Living Out God’s Design for Marriage in Today’s World

00:00:00.000 | Marriage is complex, far more complex than we typically expect going in, as

00:00:09.920 | Matt and Lauren Chandler explained a short while back to us. I asked them what

00:00:14.480 | it looks like in their home as they live out God's design for marriage in today's

00:00:18.780 | world. Here's what they shared. We understood complementarianism biblically,

00:00:25.040 | but I'm coming from a background where there was a lot of abuse in my home

00:00:28.520 | growing up. Lauren's coming from a background where there was a lot of kind

00:00:31.440 | of, correct me if I'm wrong here, a lot of kind of external religion but not a lot

00:00:36.680 | of heart transformation. And so the baggage I brought into the marriage and

00:00:42.120 | the baggage she brought into the marriage, although in essence we understood that we

00:00:47.640 | embraced complementarian views of the scriptures and of life, I think Lauren had

00:00:53.560 | to learn to trust me and I had to learn to try to nurture and nourish Lauren's

00:00:59.600 | gifts and abilities. And so I think early on in the marriage it was a tougher run

00:01:05.280 | for us than maybe where we are now where we've learned one another and as we've

00:01:09.600 | navigated the waters of, I mean, 15 years together, 17 years together,

00:01:13.800 | 15 years married, that really pragmatically how it looks now is a real

00:01:17.880 | seriousness about me creating the space for Lauren to pursue and become the things

00:01:23.200 | that God has put on her plate and in her heart to do that are inside our home and

00:01:27.640 | outside of our home. And then simultaneously, I mean, I know she's

00:01:31.160 | sitting right here next to me, to say anything I hadn't said to her before,

00:01:33.920 | but I just feel like the most encouraged, blessed man ever. And that's not because

00:01:39.520 | she's a yes man. I mean, she'll really...she'll go, "Well, I don't know that it

00:01:43.920 | was exactly happened that way." I mean, she'll really hold me accountable and

00:01:47.120 | encourage and go after my heart in ways that I don't even know what's going on in

00:01:51.000 | my heart. The Lord's gifted her to really dig around in there and really be my

00:01:55.480 | helpmate in every way, as the pastor of the church, as a preacher, as a leader,

00:02:00.680 | as a father. In every way, Lauren's love for me, respect for me,

00:02:05.480 | and encouragement of me has made me, I think, the things that God wanted me to be

00:02:10.480 | and needed Lauren, wanted to use Lauren to bring those things about in my life.

00:02:14.520 | - I would say the first, you know, six years of marriage were hard and I think

00:02:20.960 | I needed to learn...I was great at the submitting part, and partly because Matt

00:02:27.360 | is a great leader, and it's really freeing to submit to someone that you trust their

00:02:32.600 | leadership. But I think for me, I was squashed not by him, but by a lot of fear.

00:02:39.520 | And so there are times I wasn't his helper because I wouldn't say anything.

00:02:44.720 | There was just this kind of self-contempt. And so instead of walking in freedom in

00:02:51.200 | Jesus and really knowing who he had made me and really knowing who he was and what he

00:02:59.520 | made marriage to be, I was just squashed. But once I got to kind of have my feet

00:03:06.560 | planted in the gospel and really understanding the gospel, the Lord has

00:03:11.360 | given me as a helper. And instead of just being silent and just feeling like,

00:03:16.400 | "Well, I just have to deal with my stuff," the Lord gave me courage to love him well

00:03:21.800 | by saying some things that weren't disrespectful, but I was at least bringing

00:03:26.560 | some things up that before I just was like, "Well, it's not worth it.

00:03:30.240 | I'm not going to do that," which was self-centered. I just wanted to avoid

00:03:33.960 | conflict and I wanted what was easy and it felt easier to say nothing.

00:03:39.280 | So I think that's how we've grown in our marriage, which I think sometimes is

00:03:43.120 | different for a lot of women. Most women feel like they're just really

00:03:47.040 | struggling to kind of reign some things in where I kind of needed to...

00:03:52.240 | I need to get outside of myself and I needed to see that I wasn't being a good

00:03:56.760 | helper to him by avoiding the pain of loving him well.

00:04:02.240 | - Yeah. That's a good way to put it.

00:04:04.240 | - Yeah.

00:04:05.960 | - That was Matt and Lauren Chandler. We are grateful for them and for their

00:04:09.840 | willingness to let us see inside the struggles of their own marriage.

00:04:14.080 | And on a related note, I recently talked with Matt about dating and the challenges

00:04:18.040 | of singleness. You can find our conversation in an article titled,

00:04:22.560 | "10 Questions on Dating with Matt Chandler," and you can find it at

00:04:26.520 | DesiringGod.org. Well, what a week. If you've missed any of the episodes from

00:04:31.160 | this week, be sure to download the app for Apple and Android devices.

00:04:35.600 | Now with a continuous play feature button. Check that out. Download the apps.

00:04:40.520 | And of course, you can find links to the apps, you can find our archive of episodes,

00:04:45.080 | and you can submit a question to us all from our landing page.

00:04:48.760 | Go to DesiringGod.org/AskPastorJohn.

00:04:54.440 | Well, we are going to break for the weekend now, but we return on Monday with

00:04:57.080 | John Piper, and I will resume serving up your hard questions to him.

00:05:00.920 | I'm your host Tony Rehnke. Thanks for listening to the Ask Pastor John podcast.

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Living Out God’s Design for Marriage in Today’s World

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