What Advice Would You Give Newly Married John Piper?

00:00:00.000 | (upbeat music)

00:00:02.580 | - Lindsay writes in to ask, "Pastor John,

00:00:06.600 | "you've spoken before about how you've walked through

00:00:08.680 | "some challenging seasons in marriage over the years.

00:00:10.560 | "If you can go back in time to give yourself

00:00:12.380 | "some of the most important wisdom about marriage

00:00:14.280 | "that you've learned in the trenches,

00:00:16.120 | "what would you say to a younger John Piper?

00:00:18.940 | "What expectations would you tell him to relinquish

00:00:21.200 | "and what would you tell him to practice?"

00:00:23.760 | - I would say to him, "John,

00:00:29.480 | "behold the mystery of this union.

00:00:33.160 | "Behold the mystery of this amazing, God-wrought union.

00:00:39.020 | "For all the millions of marriages on the earth,

00:00:45.380 | "none of them is merely human, including yours.

00:00:49.700 | "None of them, yours included, is merely natural.

00:00:54.100 | "They're all more, they're all amazing.

00:00:58.500 | "So lift up your eyes, John Piper,

00:01:00.560 | "young, newly married John Piper.

00:01:02.740 | "Lift up your eyes to see

00:01:06.220 | "what you've gotten yourself into here,

00:01:08.540 | "an amazing, God-wrought mystery."

00:01:13.540 | Mark 10, nine, "What God has joined together,

00:01:17.900 | "let not man separate."

00:01:21.480 | So this is a God-made mystery.

00:01:24.660 | The pastor, when he said,

00:01:26.900 | "I now pronounce you man and wife," didn't do it.

00:01:29.780 | He didn't do it.

00:01:31.180 | God did it.

00:01:32.540 | What God has joined together.

00:01:34.700 | So marriage is not man-made.

00:01:36.820 | Not even for unbelievers is it man-made.

00:01:40.300 | God joins people through promise and covenant

00:01:45.300 | and union into one flesh.

00:01:49.140 | Something new has come into existence.

00:01:51.820 | So John Piper, lift up your eyes

00:01:54.980 | onto this reality and realize

00:01:59.060 | the unending implications of this for your life.

00:02:04.060 | And one of them is, it's unbreakable.

00:02:08.300 | Only death.

00:02:09.820 | There's no backdoor to this.

00:02:11.260 | So Noel and I said, and I would say to myself again,

00:02:16.260 | "Divorce is not a solution

00:02:21.220 | "to any of our miseries if we have them."

00:02:24.300 | And we have had them.

00:02:25.940 | So don't even look at it.

00:02:28.000 | Don't even contemplate it.

00:02:30.280 | Death ends this union that God has created, nothing else.

00:02:35.280 | And I would say to myself,

00:02:39.900 | look at the mystery of marriage,

00:02:42.040 | that it was conceived by God in history

00:02:48.500 | as a pattern for the church and Christ.

00:02:53.000 | Sometimes we think the other way around.

00:02:54.740 | We think, well, look, there's the church.

00:02:59.740 | How are you gonna describe marriage?

00:03:02.120 | Well, let's describe marriage

00:03:03.820 | the way Christ relates to the church.

00:03:05.760 | No, no, no.

00:03:06.600 | Marriage came first.

00:03:08.620 | Marriage came into history first,

00:03:11.080 | and it came into history in the form that it came

00:03:14.580 | so that the church could be seen this way

00:03:18.620 | and so that marriage could relate to the church

00:03:22.740 | and Christ this way.

00:03:23.660 | So what I would say to my younger self

00:03:27.520 | from Ephesians 5, 31 and 32,

00:03:30.300 | "A man shall leave his father and mother

00:03:32.100 | "and hold fast to his wife.

00:03:33.300 | "The two shall become one flesh."

00:03:34.680 | This mystery is profound,

00:03:37.100 | and I am saying it refers to Christ in the church.

00:03:40.740 | I would say, "John, look at the mystery

00:03:45.180 | "of what this means for your love of this woman.

00:03:48.240 | "This is a bottomless ocean of wisdom for you.

00:03:53.140 | "Love her like Christ loves the church."

00:03:57.340 | I just sang this morning.

00:03:58.820 | This is really amazing.

00:03:59.880 | I just sang, I sang this morning Samuel Crossman's hymn,

00:04:04.880 | "My Song is Love Unknown," which has these two lines.

00:04:10.040 | "My song is love unknown, my savior's love to me.

00:04:14.340 | "Love to the loveless shown that they might lovely be."

00:04:19.340 | And even before you asked me this question,

00:04:25.360 | I thought, "That's the mystery of marriage.

00:04:30.360 | "You love her to make her lovely.

00:04:34.220 | "You don't love her merely because she is lovely.

00:04:38.740 | "She's not gonna be as 20-something lovely

00:04:42.700 | "at 70-something, so you better love her into loveliness,"

00:04:47.700 | which is exactly what Christ does for us.

00:04:51.860 | So I would push on the young John Piper,

00:04:54.460 | and I would say, "Yeah, you married a very pretty girl here,

00:04:57.020 | "and you're all excited about lots of things about her.

00:04:59.880 | "You better not let that be the main way you relate to her.

00:05:04.080 | "Otherwise, it's gonna backfire on you

00:05:06.240 | "because you'll be constantly drawing your strength

00:05:08.720 | "for love from her lovableness

00:05:11.700 | "instead of from Christ's love for you

00:05:14.760 | "and in the gospel, which you now love her with

00:05:17.440 | "so that she's lovely in your love."

00:05:20.420 | I'd really push on that.

00:05:22.560 | And then I would say,

00:05:25.640 | "Let this, John Piper, be a breaking of your heart,

00:05:30.520 | "that you do not love her like this.

00:05:33.540 | "Let this drive you to Christ for forgiveness

00:05:36.620 | "and for justification and for renewal.

00:05:39.560 | "Let your high role as a Christ-like leader

00:05:44.560 | "break your heart, that you are not a Christ-like leader,

00:05:49.240 | "and so lead you to lead with all patience and humility."

00:05:54.240 | And then I'd say, and this is just real personal

00:05:59.140 | because that's what she asked for,

00:06:00.900 | "John Piper, you're young, and you need to realize

00:06:07.240 | "that this is gonna be a problem for you all your life.

00:06:09.720 | "Be done with little boy need for pity,

00:06:14.720 | "for mommy to kiss the owie and dote over you

00:06:18.980 | "till you get better.

00:06:20.960 | "Be done with that.

00:06:22.680 | "Be done with pouting and sulking

00:06:26.040 | "when you don't get what you want,

00:06:28.900 | "which is so immature and so built into your wiring,

00:06:34.300 | "and you will be regularly disappointed

00:06:39.300 | "because you are an intense perfectionistic wanter,

00:06:44.220 | "and therefore your wants are not going to be satisfied

00:06:47.920 | "as often as you would like.

00:06:50.240 | "And so instead of pouting and pitying yourself,

00:06:55.240 | "draw down strength, John Piper.

00:06:58.340 | "Draw down strength from Christ

00:07:01.520 | "to stop being a reactor

00:07:04.340 | "and instead be a strong initiative taker in hope.

00:07:08.200 | "Bring hope to this family.

00:07:10.260 | "Bring strength to this family.

00:07:12.040 | "Don't use this family,

00:07:14.440 | "and when they don't meet your needs,

00:07:16.280 | "go pouting off into a corner.

00:07:18.900 | "Come from the corner with Christ,

00:07:21.140 | "back into the family with strength and with hope.

00:07:24.880 | "They need you to be a leader,

00:07:27.260 | "not to return evil for evil."

00:07:30.440 | And that's the last thing I'd say probably is,

00:07:32.780 | be tenderhearted, John.

00:07:37.300 | Be tender-mouthed, John.

00:07:39.400 | Be tender-handed with your fingers, John,

00:07:44.400 | with this woman, even in her harshest moments.

00:07:49.420 | Don't return harsh for harsh.

00:07:52.840 | Don't return blunt for blunt.

00:07:55.180 | Don't return hurt for hurt.

00:07:58.360 | A soft answer may restore her soul.

00:08:02.600 | So, remember, John Piper, this marriage is temporary.

00:08:06.920 | It's a shadow, not a reality.

00:08:09.760 | There's not gonna be any marriage or giving

00:08:12.200 | in marriage in heaven, and so it's a parable, John,

00:08:15.600 | pointing to something vastly greater.

00:08:18.080 | Go there to Jesus and his relationship to you.

00:08:21.880 | Get all the strength you need, and then come back,

00:08:25.280 | and yes, savor this gift now.

00:08:28.360 | Don't belittle this gift.

00:08:29.480 | It's a real gift.

00:08:30.320 | It's a beautiful gift.

00:08:31.840 | Savor the sex, and savor the friendship,

00:08:34.300 | and savor the mutuality of all of life,

00:08:37.900 | but know it's always pointing to something greater,

00:08:40.840 | something real with Christ.

00:08:43.920 | - Thank you, Pastor John,

00:08:44.760 | and thank you for listening to this podcast.

00:08:46.360 | Please email your questions to us

00:08:47.800 | at askpastorjohn@desiringgod.org.

00:08:49.880 | At desiringgod.org, you'll find thousands

00:08:52.360 | of free articles, books, sermons,

00:08:53.800 | and other resources from John Piper.

00:08:56.040 | I'm your host, Tony Reinke.

00:08:56.960 | Thanks for listening.

00:08:58.060 | [BLANK_AUDIO]

What Advice Would You Give Newly Married John Piper?

Chapters