(upbeat music) - Lindsay writes in to ask, "Pastor John, "you've spoken before about how you've walked through "some challenging seasons in marriage over the years. "If you can go back in time to give yourself "some of the most important wisdom about marriage "that you've learned in the trenches, "what would you say to a younger John Piper?

"What expectations would you tell him to relinquish "and what would you tell him to practice?" - I would say to him, "John, "behold the mystery of this union. "Behold the mystery of this amazing, God-wrought union. "For all the millions of marriages on the earth, "none of them is merely human, including yours.

"None of them, yours included, is merely natural. "They're all more, they're all amazing. "So lift up your eyes, John Piper, "young, newly married John Piper. "Lift up your eyes to see "what you've gotten yourself into here, "an amazing, God-wrought mystery." Mark 10, nine, "What God has joined together, "let not man separate." So this is a God-made mystery.

The pastor, when he said, "I now pronounce you man and wife," didn't do it. He didn't do it. God did it. What God has joined together. So marriage is not man-made. Not even for unbelievers is it man-made. God joins people through promise and covenant and union into one flesh.

Something new has come into existence. So John Piper, lift up your eyes onto this reality and realize the unending implications of this for your life. And one of them is, it's unbreakable. Only death. There's no backdoor to this. So Noel and I said, and I would say to myself again, "Divorce is not a solution "to any of our miseries if we have them." And we have had them.

So don't even look at it. Don't even contemplate it. Death ends this union that God has created, nothing else. And I would say to myself, look at the mystery of marriage, that it was conceived by God in history as a pattern for the church and Christ. Sometimes we think the other way around.

We think, well, look, there's the church. How are you gonna describe marriage? Well, let's describe marriage the way Christ relates to the church. No, no, no. Marriage came first. Marriage came into history first, and it came into history in the form that it came so that the church could be seen this way and so that marriage could relate to the church and Christ this way.

So what I would say to my younger self from Ephesians 5, 31 and 32, "A man shall leave his father and mother "and hold fast to his wife. "The two shall become one flesh." This mystery is profound, and I am saying it refers to Christ in the church. I would say, "John, look at the mystery "of what this means for your love of this woman.

"This is a bottomless ocean of wisdom for you. "Love her like Christ loves the church." I just sang this morning. This is really amazing. I just sang, I sang this morning Samuel Crossman's hymn, "My Song is Love Unknown," which has these two lines. "My song is love unknown, my savior's love to me.

"Love to the loveless shown that they might lovely be." And even before you asked me this question, I thought, "That's the mystery of marriage. "You love her to make her lovely. "You don't love her merely because she is lovely. "She's not gonna be as 20-something lovely "at 70-something, so you better love her into loveliness," which is exactly what Christ does for us.

So I would push on the young John Piper, and I would say, "Yeah, you married a very pretty girl here, "and you're all excited about lots of things about her. "You better not let that be the main way you relate to her. "Otherwise, it's gonna backfire on you "because you'll be constantly drawing your strength "for love from her lovableness "instead of from Christ's love for you "and in the gospel, which you now love her with "so that she's lovely in your love." I'd really push on that.

And then I would say, "Let this, John Piper, be a breaking of your heart, "that you do not love her like this. "Let this drive you to Christ for forgiveness "and for justification and for renewal. "Let your high role as a Christ-like leader "break your heart, that you are not a Christ-like leader, "and so lead you to lead with all patience and humility." And then I'd say, and this is just real personal because that's what she asked for, "John Piper, you're young, and you need to realize "that this is gonna be a problem for you all your life.

"Be done with little boy need for pity, "for mommy to kiss the owie and dote over you "till you get better. "Be done with that. "Be done with pouting and sulking "when you don't get what you want, "which is so immature and so built into your wiring, "and you will be regularly disappointed "because you are an intense perfectionistic wanter, "and therefore your wants are not going to be satisfied "as often as you would like.

"And so instead of pouting and pitying yourself, "draw down strength, John Piper. "Draw down strength from Christ "to stop being a reactor "and instead be a strong initiative taker in hope. "Bring hope to this family. "Bring strength to this family. "Don't use this family, "and when they don't meet your needs, "go pouting off into a corner.

"Come from the corner with Christ, "back into the family with strength and with hope. "They need you to be a leader, "not to return evil for evil." And that's the last thing I'd say probably is, be tenderhearted, John. Be tender-mouthed, John. Be tender-handed with your fingers, John, with this woman, even in her harshest moments.

Don't return harsh for harsh. Don't return blunt for blunt. Don't return hurt for hurt. A soft answer may restore her soul. So, remember, John Piper, this marriage is temporary. It's a shadow, not a reality. There's not gonna be any marriage or giving in marriage in heaven, and so it's a parable, John, pointing to something vastly greater.

Go there to Jesus and his relationship to you. Get all the strength you need, and then come back, and yes, savor this gift now. Don't belittle this gift. It's a real gift. It's a beautiful gift. Savor the sex, and savor the friendship, and savor the mutuality of all of life, but know it's always pointing to something greater, something real with Christ.

- Thank you, Pastor John, and thank you for listening to this podcast. Please email your questions to us at askpastorjohn@desiringgod.org. At desiringgod.org, you'll find thousands of free articles, books, sermons, and other resources from John Piper. I'm your host, Tony Reinke. Thanks for listening.