Lecture 12: Marriage and Family Counseling

00:00:00.000 | We want to begin our hour today dealing with the role of the husband, God's design for

00:00:14.940 | husbands, and take a look at what the Bible has to say about that.

00:00:20.900 | So in order to get there, I want you to start by grabbing your Bible and let's go over to

00:00:25.840 | Genesis chapter 3 and we're interested in verse 16, Genesis 3 and verse 16.

00:00:33.400 | Of course we come into that infamous account of the fall and God's judgment upon mankind

00:00:43.280 | and his individual judgment upon the serpent and then Eve and then later Adam.

00:00:51.100 | Verse 16 is a description of the curse in relationship to the woman.

00:00:58.860 | He said to the woman, he said, "I would greatly multiply your pain," and then the next word

00:01:04.400 | is the preposition "in," I-N in the English.

00:01:10.200 | It actually in the Hebrew is "avav," which probably should be translated "and," and it

00:01:18.280 | would be more literally translated "your pain and childbirth," "in pain you shall bring

00:01:25.160 | forth children, yet your desire will be for your husband and he will rule over you."

00:01:31.420 | Now there has been a lot of commentary on this particular verse down through rabbinic

00:01:38.240 | as well as church history as to what this means.

00:01:42.120 | This last little phrase, "in pain you will bring forth children," or no, "yet your desire

00:01:47.160 | shall be for your husband and he will rule over you," that little phrase.

00:01:52.520 | What is he talking about?

00:01:55.240 | What is God saying there?

00:01:57.240 | Well there's only one other time that we have in the entire book of Genesis that word for

00:02:03.460 | desire used and it's used in close proximity in terms of context and that's over in chapter

00:02:13.120 | 4 and verse 7.

00:02:14.120 | The same term is used here and you remember the account, this is Cain and Cain is angry,

00:02:20.480 | he is also depressed as a result of God accepting his brother Abel's sacrifice and not his.

00:02:27.520 | God comes to him in verse 6 and says, "The Lord said to Cain, 'Why are you angry and

00:02:33.600 | why has your countenance fallen?'"

00:02:36.400 | I think that's a good Hebraic description of depression.

00:02:42.960 | Or at very least he is sullen and he is probably full of a lot of self-pity because God has

00:02:52.280 | not accepted his sacrifice.

00:02:55.400 | Then he says, now God gives Cain an opportunity to turn around here, "If you do well, will

00:03:00.640 | not your countenance be lifted up?"

00:03:03.400 | Which tells me, this is in a sense God's first instructions in dealing with, specifically

00:03:08.360 | with sin which tells us right from the very beginning that there is always joy in obedience.

00:03:15.160 | If you do well, if you do the right thing, if you obey me, there is going to be joy.

00:03:21.520 | If you don't, things are going to get worse.

00:03:24.040 | In fact he says, "And if you do not do well, sin is crouching at the door."

00:03:29.280 | So he sort of zoomorifies his sin, in other words he turns sin into like an animal that

00:03:39.760 | crouches at the door and when he walks through that door it jumps on him and overpowers him.

00:03:46.760 | So if you don't do not do well, sin is crouching at your door and it's desire, there's the

00:03:52.360 | word that's used back in 316, it's desire is for you but you must master it.

00:03:59.720 | Now we have a little bit better understanding within this context that in this particular

00:04:03.440 | case sin's desire was to control, manipulate, and dominate Cain.

00:04:11.600 | This is very deliberate, willful, what later on is called in the Old Testament high-handed

00:04:18.280 | sins, this is very willful, presumptuous sin, as David talks about in Psalm 19.

00:04:24.240 | So this kind of sin desires to control you or master you but you must master it.

00:04:31.800 | Now if that indeed, and I think it is, the understanding of this word, it's very similar

00:04:40.640 | back in 316, "Yet your desire," he says to the woman, "will be for your husband."

00:04:45.720 | The implication is like sin's desire was to control Cain, so her desire will be to control

00:04:52.120 | and manipulate her husband, to in a sense dominate him, that's going to be her natural

00:04:57.720 | desire of her heart, and then his natural desire will be to rule over her.

00:05:05.040 | Here the Hebrew word melech is the idea of to probably be heavy-handed in his rule over

00:05:12.680 | her, so now marriage becomes a struggle.

00:05:19.000 | Marriage under the curse becomes a game of king of the hill.

00:05:25.080 | It becomes the battleground of the sexes.

00:05:28.400 | Who's going to win out?

00:05:30.000 | Whose will is going to win the day here?

00:05:35.560 | Her desire will be to control and manipulate her husband and his desire will be to rule

00:05:39.480 | over her.

00:05:42.480 | Sometimes when my wife does seminars and ladies' conferences and stuff like that, she'll talk

00:05:46.720 | about that.

00:05:47.720 | She says, "You know, I've never met a woman yet that I've ever counseled who didn't have

00:05:51.880 | some kind of an idea of the way that she really wanted her husband to turn out.

00:05:57.720 | She always has an idea of the way she wants her husband to be, and some women are more

00:06:05.560 | overt about getting their husbands to be that way, the way they think they ought to be.

00:06:11.320 | Some women are more passive, resistive in their ability to be able to, or in their approach

00:06:22.180 | in trying to get their husband to be what they want him to be, but whatever the case,

00:06:27.520 | they go about taking steps in order to manipulate, control the situation.

00:06:34.480 | Sometimes they make threats, sometimes they promise things, and then many men then want

00:06:44.920 | to make sure they keep their wife under control.

00:06:49.240 | They want to rule over her, all right?

00:06:52.280 | And this is where you can see in the popular culture today, at least a cultural understanding

00:06:57.780 | of why the Bible is so misused by men to be oppressive to women in a marital situation,

00:07:08.960 | because they use the concept of submission that we'll talk about a little bit later,

00:07:13.860 | and they'll want to suppress a wife and keep her under his thumb, so to speak.

00:07:23.080 | So there is that struggle within marriage as a result of the curse.

00:07:28.720 | Now what's marvelous to me, sometimes when I talk about this with couples that are having

00:07:33.940 | marital problems, I'll describe this to help them understand that the Bible says this is

00:07:40.020 | a natural thing that will happen outside of Christ.

00:07:46.580 | But praise God for the Lord Jesus Christ, because he comes along, takes the sting of

00:07:50.240 | that curse away, and he actually instills within that husband a desire to lead his wife,

00:07:58.020 | but serve her and her needs first before his own, and that sting taken away in the wife's

00:08:06.080 | life constitutes her desire to now follow her husband and be a helpful complement to

00:08:16.680 | him instead of competing with him, instead of struggling with him.

00:08:25.280 | So in Christ now, the sting of that curse now is taken away.

00:08:33.540 | So marriage does not have to be a constant conflict, strife, or struggle.

00:08:39.400 | It doesn't have to be that way.

00:08:44.080 | And God has provided this in Christ.

00:08:51.080 | Now we'll talk about that a little bit later.

00:08:53.560 | But that sort of sets the tone for what I want to talk about here in terms of God's

00:08:59.440 | design for husbands.

00:09:03.340 | The first thing that we have to talk about is bring up the question, what is the nature

00:09:10.300 | of a man's leadership in the home?

00:09:15.680 | Because the Bible's definition of leadership and the world's definition of leadership are

00:09:20.720 | two different things.

00:09:22.000 | In fact, if you were to go over to Matthew chapter 20, when Jesus is talking about the

00:09:26.440 | concept of leadership, we're interested in verse 25, Jesus called them to himself and

00:09:40.460 | said, "You know that the rulers, the Gentiles, lorded over them, and their great men exercised

00:09:44.140 | authority over them."

00:09:47.140 | Now that's the way the world views leadership, to exercise heavy-handed authority over a

00:09:52.660 | person.

00:09:53.660 | That's why some husbands do that.

00:09:55.460 | They think that that's what it means for a man to lead his household, that is to exercise

00:10:00.160 | heavy-handed authority over his wife.

00:10:05.020 | But Jesus says that's the way the world thinks.

00:10:08.480 | Verse 26, "It's not this way among you, but whoever wishes to be great among you must

00:10:13.400 | be your servant."

00:10:15.080 | And the Greek term here is diakonos, all right?

00:10:18.480 | It's the word that, the derivative of that is the word where we get our word deacon from.

00:10:23.360 | All right?

00:10:24.680 | So real leadership from a biblical perspective is being like a deacon, a servant.

00:10:35.120 | Verse 27 says, "And whoever wishes to be first among you shall be your slave."

00:10:40.880 | Now he changes the term.

00:10:42.640 | Here's the word doulos, "Just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve

00:10:49.800 | and to give his life a ransom for many."

00:10:53.380 | So Christ came to be a diakonos and he came to be a doulos.

00:10:58.920 | He came to be a deacon, he came to be a slave, not just a servant, but to be a slave to others

00:11:12.800 | who have need.

00:11:13.800 | Now that's a radical definition of leadership.

00:11:18.200 | That's radically different from what the world says where a man thinks, "I've got to be the

00:11:22.560 | head of my home."

00:11:23.720 | He struggles to be the head of the home with his wife.

00:11:29.240 | And what he's really trying to do is just exercise raw power in leadership.

00:11:37.120 | But Jesus says, "That's not the way it is with my kingdom.

00:11:40.160 | That's not the way in which my gospel will go forward."

00:11:46.640 | What is it that God then expects of a husband?

00:11:49.760 | Well he expects them to lead through servanthood.

00:11:54.080 | Or another question, how is the husband's role really viewed in our society today?

00:12:01.280 | The home is under such a heavy attack from several different locations and there are

00:12:06.960 | a lot of men who can command a business and they command an organization.

00:12:10.880 | They can even command a church, but they've abrogated their throne of responsibility in

00:12:17.700 | leading their home.

00:12:22.520 | Now so what is the condition then of your home?

00:12:26.840 | That's a critical question.

00:12:27.840 | It's a good question for counselees that we work with.

00:12:32.000 | Well the Bible says whether that man is leading or not, they and their family and their ministry

00:12:38.040 | are hurting if they're not doing it God's way.

00:12:45.320 | Now what I usually do in counseling is I'll talk this through carefully with people, taking

00:12:51.720 | them to Scripture.

00:12:53.080 | But I want these men to learn three things, three terms, three English terms to help them

00:13:01.420 | remember their role as a godly husband.

00:13:04.420 | It's just something they can stick in the back pocket, so to speak, and pull out every

00:13:09.020 | now and then and say, "How am I doing?"

00:13:13.200 | The first term that we want to deal with is taken from 1 Peter 3 and verse 7.

00:13:20.480 | So if you have your Bible, let's go over there, 1 Peter 3, 7.

00:13:29.160 | And here Peter is writing, the context here has to do with husbands who are married primarily

00:13:36.380 | to unbelieving wives, and these wives are bringing hardship into their life.

00:13:43.440 | They're causing quite a bit of suffering because as husbands they're the believers, the wives

00:13:48.800 | are not believers.

00:13:51.640 | But here in verse 7 he says, "You husbands, in the same way, live with your wives in an

00:13:56.960 | understanding way."

00:14:00.440 | So the first term I want them to understand is that a Christian husband is a learner.

00:14:08.040 | A Christian husband is a learner, and let me explain what I mean by that.

00:14:11.880 | The term that's used here, it's stated in the present tense, active participle here.

00:14:18.880 | In fact, it is a sun compound, sun oikonos, which means a husband has a responsibility

00:14:29.000 | to dwell together with his wife, and then the question is answered, how is he supposed

00:14:35.520 | to do that?

00:14:37.120 | And the next term is gnosis.

00:14:40.520 | Now it's translated in a lot of English translations as understanding, and it can be translated.

00:14:47.480 | That's a good literal translation of it, but I don't like that translation because of the

00:14:51.840 | way in which the contemporary English man views understanding.

00:15:00.360 | When they read that, I think that the typical English guy says, "Oh, I'm supposed to understand

00:15:05.440 | her.

00:15:06.440 | After all, she's a woman."

00:15:10.180 | Which is not the idea there at all.

00:15:13.800 | The idea of gnosis, where by the way was derived later on in the first and second century to

00:15:20.920 | describe the Gnostic movement, actually means to be knowledgeable.

00:15:27.000 | The Gnostics believed they had a higher knowledge or some kind of mystical, special revelation

00:15:32.800 | from God or Jesus Christ that other people didn't have.

00:15:36.840 | So they had a knowledge.

00:15:38.260 | So it has to be, it means to be knowledgeable, gnosis.

00:15:42.680 | Conscious sensitivity, he is supposed to act in such a way that he is conscientiously sensitive

00:15:50.500 | to her and live with her in a knowledgeable way.

00:15:54.180 | By the way, that happens to be one of the main complaints that comes up in marital counseling

00:15:58.040 | all the time.

00:15:59.040 | If I've heard it, I've probably heard it a hundred times, and I'm not exaggerating.

00:16:05.200 | Where I hear a wife that says, "Listen, he's just not sensitive to what's going on in my

00:16:10.480 | life."

00:16:11.480 | Well, the Bible says if you're going to be a good husband, you need to be.

00:16:16.660 | You have to dwell with her knowledgeably, is the idea.

00:16:22.500 | So that's very interesting because there is this attitude out there in the world, and

00:16:29.020 | the world says basically, "Who can understand women?"

00:16:31.320 | You can almost see them throw their hands up and they go, "Wow, women.

00:16:34.600 | I mean, they're emotional, they change.

00:16:37.860 | One day they act so logical, and the next day they act so emotional.

00:16:41.840 | One time in the month, they're really just off the planet somewhere out there in orbit.

00:16:46.580 | You can't get a fix on them.

00:16:49.980 | You just can't understand them.

00:16:51.300 | They're just out there."

00:16:56.100 | That's what the world says.

00:16:58.960 | But what this implies, according to what Peter is saying here, is that we're required to,

00:17:08.440 | and that's going to require time spent with your wife.

00:17:12.380 | You cannot know your wife without spending time with her, and, of course, the question

00:17:17.580 | always comes up in counseling, "Well, is that quality or quantity?"

00:17:21.420 | All right?

00:17:23.060 | I don't know.

00:17:24.340 | Some guys are real slow learners, so it's going to have to be quantity, all right?

00:17:32.980 | Whatever it takes to know your wife, that's the idea.

00:17:38.460 | By the way, I love the expression on the guy's face in our picture here, all right?

00:17:44.400 | Whatever it takes to know her, that's what you need to do.

00:17:48.580 | So it requires time spent with her.

00:17:52.580 | This also, this implication, says if we're going to really understand her, we're going

00:17:57.860 | to get a grasp on how did God uniquely create a woman?

00:18:03.420 | What is unique about their gender?

00:18:12.560 | Sometimes I like to illustrate it like this.

00:18:14.260 | Listen, guys, you did not grow up hearing stories about giving birth.

00:18:20.220 | She did.

00:18:22.980 | Some of the pleasures of that and some of the horror stories of that.

00:18:26.580 | That probably, when you were growing up, never crossed your mind.

00:18:33.420 | You didn't think about giving birth to a baby because you don't do that.

00:18:38.840 | She does.

00:18:40.500 | She thinks about that.

00:18:42.500 | When she was a girl listening to older women talking about it, she sat there and soaked

00:18:48.260 | that all in and she heard the stories, the good stories and the bad stories and that's

00:18:57.180 | something that she carries with her in the back of her mind.

00:19:01.680 | You didn't have to grow up that way.

00:19:06.380 | You didn't have to grow up thinking about a monthly period.

00:19:08.860 | You didn't have to grow up doing that.

00:19:12.740 | She does.

00:19:14.740 | There's a time of the month that she just doesn't feel good and for some girls it's

00:19:18.860 | worse than others.

00:19:22.500 | That's the way God created them.

00:19:25.440 | They have to go through that particular type of a struggle on a regular basis.

00:19:33.700 | That's something that is totally outside your sphere of experience.

00:19:39.820 | You don't have to do that.

00:19:43.300 | How did God create women?

00:19:44.900 | What is unique about their gender?

00:19:51.660 | My daughter, right at this particular point, is within a few days of giving birth to our

00:19:55.340 | second grandchild.

00:19:58.860 | Her name is going to be, they know it's a little girl, Felicity Sophia Arns.

00:20:06.800 | So we're looking forward to that happening and my daughter is looking extremely pregnant.

00:20:15.120 | And one of her biggest concerns when she just had her doctor's appointment yesterday was

00:20:22.200 | I'm afraid this baby's too big.

00:20:24.680 | Is it too big, doctor?

00:20:28.240 | Now as a guy, you probably wouldn't give a second thought to that.

00:20:33.920 | It's a big baby, so what?

00:20:37.440 | Yeah well, you don't have to bring that thing into the world, all right?

00:20:45.480 | So that's a concern on her part.

00:20:48.800 | Is this thing too big?

00:20:49.800 | No, it's not too big.

00:20:51.840 | Looks fine, you look fine, you're going to do well.

00:20:56.080 | This is her first baby, she's never had this experience before, you know, this is going

00:21:00.440 | to be an interesting process to go through for her, so all that's going to happen.

00:21:10.080 | How did God create women?

00:21:11.200 | What's unique about their gender?

00:21:12.760 | What about your wife?

00:21:13.880 | What is unique and special about your wife?

00:21:18.280 | You know, every woman has certain strengths and certain weaknesses just like every man

00:21:22.560 | does.

00:21:23.980 | What is unique about your wife?

00:21:26.160 | How well do you know her strengths and her weaknesses?

00:21:35.200 | There are some women who are very good musicians.

00:21:40.560 | Other women who could care less about musical things or artsy things, they would rather

00:21:47.440 | get out and mow the lawn and plant flowers and take care of the cattle.

00:21:57.760 | They'd rather do that, you know, be out there and that's their longing, that's their interest,

00:22:05.600 | that's what they like.

00:22:06.880 | What's unique about your wife?

00:22:09.480 | What's special about her?

00:22:10.660 | What makes her different than the other women around her?

00:22:17.580 | Or what is the particular load that your wife bears?

00:22:20.480 | What is unique in her struggles in life and how is she different in this way?

00:22:26.760 | Some women have grown up in homes where maybe a father or mother or brothers or sisters

00:22:33.700 | or aunts or uncles have abused them physically or sexually.

00:22:44.900 | Just a few years ago, I sat down with an international pastor and he and his wife were going through

00:22:50.660 | some difficult times, he had a pretty challenging ministry where he was at, and we spent time

00:22:56.020 | talking about events that had occurred in his wife's life years before when she was

00:23:04.860 | a girl growing up on how she had been sexually abused by people in her past.

00:23:11.620 | Did that have an effect upon their marriage?

00:23:14.500 | Absolutely did.

00:23:16.580 | It was still something that she carried with her right into that marriage.

00:23:21.780 | So when the Bible talks about living knowledgeably with your wife, it talks about getting to

00:23:27.780 | know some of the unique challenges that she has.

00:23:32.580 | There are certain types of problems that women will have, like endometriosis, that as men

00:23:39.620 | we don't usually have any problems with that, but they'll have problems with that.

00:23:47.280 | How is your wife different?

00:23:49.180 | Does she have a physical problem?

00:23:51.620 | Is it because of her history and her background?

00:23:54.740 | Maybe she comes from a home that's not a believing home, mother or father, we're not believers,

00:24:00.540 | or maybe she comes from a divorced home where mom and dad were divorced, and she wonders

00:24:07.860 | in the back of her mind, "Is this gonna happen to me again in my own home?

00:24:13.380 | Is this something that will occur here?"

00:24:15.620 | That could have an effect upon how she views life.

00:24:19.580 | So how is she different in this way?

00:24:21.900 | What is it that makes your wife really unique?

00:24:28.260 | All of that is key.

00:24:29.260 | Now, notice, let's go back to 1 Peter 3, 7.

00:24:32.560 | He says, "We're supposed to dwell with them," and I would rather translate it in a knowledgeable

00:24:39.740 | way instead of an understanding way, in a knowledgeable way, "as with someone weaker

00:24:45.820 | since she is a woman."

00:24:47.420 | Now, he's not saying that negatively.

00:24:51.660 | I think our culture today would read that negatively.

00:24:54.380 | Well, she's weaker because she's a woman.

00:24:56.780 | That's the way it would be read.

00:24:58.340 | It's not what he's saying.

00:24:59.740 | In fact, the word weaker is a word that actually could be translated delicate, okay?

00:25:08.380 | It's the same word that was used oftentimes of delicate piece of fine pottery that was

00:25:15.900 | handmade or hand-crafted.

00:25:18.860 | If you go to Israel and you walk around Israel, almost everywhere you go, there's broken pieces

00:25:24.100 | of pottery all over the place.

00:25:27.820 | You can pick them up and see them that have just been there for centuries upon centuries.

00:25:33.700 | Delicate pieces of fine pottery.

00:25:36.340 | Since she is a woman.

00:25:37.340 | That's not a negative statement.

00:25:38.340 | That's a positive statement.

00:25:39.340 | After all, Eve was the crowning point of creation.

00:25:43.860 | Not until Eve was created did God then call creation not just good but very good.

00:25:51.420 | Crowning point.

00:25:53.820 | So you're supposed to treat her with respect like a weaker vessel, like a delicate vessel.

00:26:06.340 | And it doesn't necessarily...

00:26:07.540 | I don't believe that this word means that she's physically weaker.

00:26:10.980 | You may be able to argue that, that generally males tend to be a little bit bigger, a little

00:26:14.860 | bit stronger.

00:26:15.860 | Generally, that may be true.

00:26:17.540 | But that's not what he's saying here.

00:26:19.240 | What he is saying here is you're supposed to treat her as...

00:26:24.080 | You know, there are some women who work out, all right?

00:26:27.340 | And they can lift some pretty good weights.

00:26:30.340 | You know, they're not little daisies, delicate daisies.

00:26:35.740 | But whether or not she's that way or not, that's not the issue.

00:26:38.860 | You're supposed to treat her as you would a delicate piece of fine china, like that.

00:26:43.580 | A lot of men treat their wives like Tupperware, all right?

00:26:48.240 | Not like fine china.

00:26:53.860 | Let's say, for instance, you went down to Kmart and on one of their blue light specials,

00:27:00.840 | you bought a piece of china, maybe a flower vase.

00:27:07.460 | And you paid 25 bucks for it.

00:27:09.380 | It looked really pretty, something to go with your house.

00:27:13.560 | You'd probably check it out, pay for it, throw it in one of those little plastic bags and

00:27:18.340 | take it out the car, pitch it in the back, take it home, put it up on the mantle there

00:27:22.620 | in your house, put some dried flowers in it, occasionally dust it off and comment how pretty

00:27:27.860 | that thing is.

00:27:31.540 | But let's say, for instance, you inherited a 5th century Ming vase worth millions, millions.

00:27:41.020 | What would you do with it?

00:27:42.020 | I know some of you guys are saying you'd sell it and it ruins my whole illustration.

00:27:47.460 | All right, no.

00:27:51.660 | What would you do with that?

00:27:53.300 | You'd probably hire brink security to go pick this thing up in an atmospherically controlled

00:28:00.500 | vault, made sure that this thing was strapped down during transport on a very soft cushioned

00:28:07.620 | pillow, not exposed to too much light or radiation out there in the sun so it doesn't fade it

00:28:14.620 | at all.

00:28:15.620 | You don't want to lose any value at all.

00:28:18.340 | Well, that's the idea here.

00:28:22.260 | She is your 5th century Ming vase.

00:28:25.540 | You are to treat her as a delicate vase, which means to honor her, respect her, cherish her

00:28:34.320 | as you would an expensive piece of fine china.

00:28:38.260 | She is to be treated with utmost value.

00:28:43.580 | That's the implication.

00:28:47.520 | And what even magnifies this even more is the next little phrase in the verse because

00:28:55.760 | it says, "And show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life."

00:29:00.200 | That little word "as" is a very important word in our verse because in this particular

00:29:04.480 | case within the context and the flow of the argument, this woman is not a believer.

00:29:12.080 | So he is saying you treat her, even if she's not a believer, as you would a believing wife.

00:29:21.000 | The same way, no different.

00:29:25.960 | Just because you're married to an unbeliever does not change this one iota.

00:29:33.400 | So that your prayers may not be hindered.

00:29:37.400 | In other words, you learning her affects your spiritual life.

00:29:46.140 | You think your prayers aren't getting any higher than the ceiling?

00:29:48.680 | Then you need to check your relationship to your wife.

00:29:51.840 | How are you treating your wife?

00:29:54.560 | This really essentially says her problems become your problems.

00:29:58.840 | Godly husbands do not say, "Well, she made the mess.

00:30:00.920 | She'll just have to take care of it herself."

00:30:03.400 | Godly husbands don't say that.

00:30:07.760 | No.

00:30:09.680 | So that nothing, nothing hinders your prayers.

00:30:16.920 | You know, not all of my problems are my wife's problems.

00:30:20.840 | But you know what?

00:30:22.480 | Every single one of her problems are my problems.

00:30:27.840 | Every single one.

00:30:28.840 | There's nothing that she has.

00:30:31.000 | There's nothing.

00:30:32.040 | Nothing that she does.

00:30:33.560 | There's no difficulty that she encounters that's not my problem.

00:30:40.000 | Because I'm responsible before God for her.

00:30:46.680 | That's pretty heavy.

00:30:49.160 | First thing you got to remember in order to be a godly husband is be a learner.

00:30:52.600 | Second thing you got to remember in order to be a godly husband.

00:30:55.120 | Let's go over to Ephesians chapter 5 and verse 25.

00:31:00.040 | Ephesians 5, verse 25.

00:31:03.480 | Again, this is just a little memory device.

00:31:07.800 | In order to be a godly husband, you got to be a lover.

00:31:10.960 | Verse 25 of Ephesians 5 says this, "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved

00:31:16.720 | the church and gave himself up for her."

00:31:22.560 | Now the question comes, how is it that a man is to have, or what is really the love that

00:31:29.880 | it is that a man is to have for a woman?

00:31:33.400 | Because our American European culture does not help us here at all.

00:31:39.040 | The popular view of a man's love for a woman really is a macho sexual conquest type of

00:31:44.160 | a love.

00:31:45.160 | I'll show her I love her, grab her hand and drag her to bed.

00:31:48.200 | That's the way I show her that I love her.

00:31:51.880 | Well, anyone can take from a woman, but that is not biblical love.

00:32:00.480 | Biblical love is always defined as giving.

00:32:05.120 | That's true in John 3, 16, "For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten Son."

00:32:12.120 | Galatians 2, 20, "Christ loved us and gave himself up for us."

00:32:17.140 | Here in Ephesians 5, 25, he says, "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved

00:32:25.320 | the church and gave himself up for her."

00:32:29.120 | So every time you see this concept of love in the New Testament, it's usually associated

00:32:35.440 | with this action verb, to give.

00:32:40.040 | There's a giving.

00:32:42.480 | But this macho sexual conquest thing is nothing but taking.

00:32:51.560 | Anybody can take.

00:32:52.560 | Biblical love is really giving, and biblical love, I think, then is the real test of masculinity.

00:32:57.120 | It's not a test of masculinity to take sex from somebody.

00:33:00.280 | It is a test of masculinity to give, to give without expecting anything in return.

00:33:07.960 | God-like love gives, and the more that a husband understands that, the more his wife's heart

00:33:13.280 | wants to respond to him in the right way.

00:33:20.460 | So in order to be a godly husband, first, you've got to be a learner, but secondly,

00:33:25.040 | you've got to be a Christ-like lover.

00:33:28.520 | Now, oftentimes in counseling, the question comes, "How far does this go?

00:33:38.680 | What is the degree of love that I am supposed to show as a husband to my wife?"

00:33:46.240 | Well, you'll notice here in Ephesians 5, 25, he says, "We are to love as Christ loved."

00:33:55.320 | So whatever example he demonstrates for us becomes our example.

00:34:01.040 | And there's at least three things that we can say about that.

00:34:03.640 | One is, we know that 1 John 4, 19, Christ loved us first.

00:34:08.280 | We love him because he first loved us.

00:34:10.420 | So it's not her responsibility to initiate love in the home.

00:34:17.440 | Sometimes I'll have husbands do that to me.

00:34:19.560 | They'll come in and they'll sit down in counseling, and they'll say, "There's no love in our home,"

00:34:23.440 | and then they'll look scathingly at their wife, and I want to put a mirror in front

00:34:27.800 | of them and have them read 1 John 4, 19 and say, "Why?"

00:34:32.000 | Because it's your responsibility to initiate love.

00:34:34.560 | If you're going to love as Christ loved, then he loved first.

00:34:37.420 | So you're the one who should initiate love in the home.

00:34:40.480 | It's not her responsibility to do that.

00:34:42.960 | It's your responsibility.

00:34:44.520 | We love him because he first loved us.

00:34:48.680 | If we're going to love like Christ, then we initiate that love.

00:34:52.400 | She doesn't initiate it.

00:34:54.560 | So we love first.

00:34:57.400 | Then it says there in Ephesians 5, 25, that he loved most.

00:35:02.400 | He gave himself up for her, that is, for the church.

00:35:07.160 | So he loved most.

00:35:09.220 | It is a type of love that is totally giving.

00:35:14.040 | And then 1 John 3, 18, "Let us not love in word, neither in tongue, but in deed and in

00:35:17.920 | truth."

00:35:18.920 | So he loved unmistakably.

00:35:23.880 | He loved first, most, and unmistakably.

00:35:26.600 | That's the kind of love that we not just tell our wives that we love them.

00:35:30.480 | We need to show it through what we do.

00:35:34.800 | Now let's go back to Ephesians 5 and skip down just a few verses to verse 28, where

00:35:41.280 | it says, "So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own body."

00:35:48.200 | That's a critical verse.

00:35:51.480 | So how are we to love?

00:35:53.040 | We're to love as Christ loved, but we're also to love as our own bodies, Ephesians 5, 28.

00:35:59.980 | Here if husbands love their wives as much as they love themselves, they'd have great

00:36:04.840 | marriages.

00:36:05.840 | The assumption here at this particular point is that men already love themselves a lot.

00:36:12.880 | They do.

00:36:13.880 | I mean, you think about it.

00:36:15.640 | When your husband's thirsty, what does he do?

00:36:18.960 | He goes get something to drink.

00:36:19.960 | When he's hungry, he gets something to eat.

00:36:21.880 | When he's hurt, he goes get something to bandage up the hurt.

00:36:25.420 | When he's tired, he goes to bed.

00:36:27.680 | He looks out for himself very well.

00:36:29.960 | That's his default nature.

00:36:32.320 | Now if he looked out for his wife with the same degree of passion and love that he looked

00:36:39.580 | out for himself, then he'd have a great marriage.

00:36:44.800 | So we're to love as, not just as Christ loved, but we're to love as our own bodies.

00:36:53.960 | No one ever yet, he says, hated his own body, verse 29, but nourishes it and cherishes it

00:37:05.920 | just as Christ does the church.

00:37:09.140 | Now that doesn't mean we don't dislike certain aspects of our body.

00:37:13.240 | You know, sometimes you'll get people that'll come in for counseling and I can remember

00:37:19.560 | back a few years ago I was sitting in my office and I had a young lady come in and she was

00:37:30.080 | really depressed.

00:37:31.080 | In fact, I think I shared this.

00:37:32.080 | Did I share this illustration with you?

00:37:33.080 | I don't know whether I did or not, but she was really depressed and so she sat down and

00:37:38.320 | I said, "What's wrong?" and she says, "I just hate myself."

00:37:42.080 | And I said, "You do?

00:37:47.080 | Are you depressed?"

00:37:48.080 | "Yeah."

00:37:49.080 | "Are you miserable?"

00:37:50.080 | "Mm-hmm."

00:37:51.080 | "Well, tell me why you hate yourself."

00:37:58.280 | And usually when you ask that question, you'll get a whole litany of answers.

00:38:01.000 | I'm too tall, too short, too fat, too skinny.

00:38:03.800 | I'm not athletic enough or I'm not academic enough or I'm not musical enough or whatever.

00:38:11.480 | And you could add to it.

00:38:15.280 | And eventually after I listened to her for a while, I said to her, I said, "Now I'm really

00:38:18.560 | confused.

00:38:19.560 | You've got to help me."

00:38:20.560 | She says, "What are you confused about?"

00:38:22.200 | I said, "You came in and told me that you hated yourself, that you were depressed, that

00:38:28.640 | you were miserable.

00:38:33.560 | That doesn't make any sense to me."

00:38:36.200 | "Well, why not?"

00:38:38.520 | "Well, because if you really hated yourself," if that were the case, if you really hated

00:38:44.880 | self, you'd be happy you were weird and different because you'd say, "Ah, that's just the way

00:38:51.320 | I am.

00:38:52.320 | I hate myself anyhow.

00:38:53.320 | That's just me.

00:38:56.320 | I'm weird.

00:38:57.320 | I'm too tall, too short, too fat, too skinny.

00:39:00.160 | I have a crooked nose.

00:39:01.160 | I have big ears.

00:39:03.840 | So that's just me."

00:39:08.520 | But the very fact that you're depressed and miserable tells me that deep down in your

00:39:14.600 | heart, you really love yourself an awful lot.

00:39:17.880 | And because this is different on the outside, that's what makes you miserable.

00:39:22.840 | And the tears started to flow.

00:39:28.000 | And she says, "Nobody's ever said that to me before."

00:39:32.060 | I said, "Well, that's what the Bible says."

00:39:34.440 | So I took her over to passages like this and over in Matthew 22.

00:39:43.720 | And the next hour, I had lunch there in the college cafeteria.

00:39:49.980 | And she had lunch at the same time, and I was watching her go through the salad line.

00:39:54.200 | And she came up to this big bowl of red cherry tomatoes, and she was rifling through the

00:39:58.040 | red cherry tomatoes and picking one up, looking at it for a little bit, and then putting it

00:40:02.480 | back, picking one up, looking at it, putting it back.

00:40:05.200 | And I thought to myself as I sat there and watched her, "What is she doing?

00:40:10.180 | I know what she's doing.

00:40:11.760 | She hates herself.

00:40:14.120 | So she's looking for the worst tomatoes in the entire bunch.

00:40:18.160 | That's what she's doing because she innately hates herself."

00:40:21.320 | Well, you know as well as I do, that's not what was going on.

00:40:25.600 | No, no, no.

00:40:26.880 | She was picking out the reddest, ripest, most perfect cherry tomatoes she could find in

00:40:32.160 | that whole salad bowl to put on her salad.

00:40:35.520 | Why?

00:40:36.520 | Because her default nature was to look out for herself first.

00:40:42.480 | That was her innate love of self.

00:40:45.600 | Same thing is true with husbands.

00:40:48.720 | You come to our house, and you'll see in the middle of the dining room table, which my

00:40:53.040 | wife usually has a bowl that has bananas in it or oranges or apples, and we'll have college

00:41:00.320 | students over all the time, and they'll grab an apple, and they'll pick it up, twirl it

00:41:04.280 | around a little bit, put it back, get another one, twirl it around a little bit, put it

00:41:07.000 | back.

00:41:08.000 | What are they doing?

00:41:09.000 | They're looking for the worst one in the bunch because people innately hate themselves.

00:41:12.440 | No they don't.

00:41:13.640 | They're looking for the best one in the bunch, the one with the least bruises on it so that

00:41:18.680 | they can eat it, and it tastes good, and it's not going to be sour, and well, that's the

00:41:25.120 | way people are, default nature.

00:41:28.280 | That's the assumption that Paul makes here.

00:41:33.280 | Husbands are to love their wives as their own bodies, so if a husband loved his wife

00:41:37.400 | as much as they already loved themselves, then they'd have great marriages.

00:41:44.360 | They looked out for themselves.

00:41:48.920 | In fact, one last thing.

00:41:51.320 | Notice this, thirdly, that this is the thing that overcomes bitterness, Colossians 3.19.

00:41:59.280 | Husbands love your wives and do not be embittered against them.

00:42:02.920 | You look at this in the original language, and it's very clear that it's impossible to

00:42:09.000 | maintain and hold on to your bitterness because sometimes I'll have wives say to me, "You

00:42:14.120 | don't understand my wife.

00:42:15.640 | You don't understand what she's done.

00:42:17.620 | You don't understand what's happened in our marriage.

00:42:19.800 | You don't understand what a wicked tongue she has.

00:42:22.240 | She can slice you and dice you with her tongue.

00:42:25.000 | You don't understand my wife."

00:42:26.480 | I don't care how bitter you are, if you are practicing Christ-like love, it will be impossible

00:42:32.640 | for you to hold on to your bitterness.

00:42:36.280 | That's going to be impossibility.

00:42:39.680 | So it's this kind of love that overcomes bitterness.

00:42:48.100 | So in order to be a godly husband, number one, first you've got to be a learner.

00:42:51.700 | Number two, you've got to be a Christ-like lover.

00:42:53.600 | Number three, Ephesians 5, 23 through 25, you've got to be a godly leader.

00:43:02.320 | Now what leadership is not?

00:43:06.920 | A godly leader is not a dictator.

00:43:08.860 | We already saw that in Matthew 20, 25 through 28.

00:43:12.360 | Instead he's a diakonos, he's a doulos, he's a servant, or a slave really, and a deacon.

00:43:18.560 | He's a slave and a deacon.

00:43:21.440 | A godly leader is not a dominator.

00:43:24.560 | Too many men think that they must make all the decisions in their marriage.

00:43:28.640 | No.

00:43:29.640 | God gave his wife certain gifts and talents and a mind, and he's a fool if he doesn't

00:43:34.960 | use those abilities and gifts and talents.

00:43:39.200 | And a godly leader is not demanding.

00:43:41.800 | He's not demanding.

00:43:44.360 | In other words, he doesn't force her to submit.

00:43:50.200 | Nowhere in the Bible does it say, "Husbands, make sure your wives submit."

00:43:54.480 | It doesn't say that anywhere in the Bible.

00:43:58.160 | It's wives, submit yourselves into your husbands.

00:44:01.000 | It's a decision that she has to make, and by the way, there's no husband on the planet,

00:44:04.560 | I don't care how big and strong he might be, that can force a wife to submit, no matter

00:44:08.560 | how small and delicate she may be.

00:44:10.800 | You know why?

00:44:12.200 | Because submission has to do with an attitude of the heart.

00:44:14.640 | It has to do with an attitude of the heart.

00:44:18.540 | You may get your wife to obey because you're big and strong, but you can't make her submit.

00:44:24.120 | It's kind of like the little boy that got in trouble with his mother, and his mother

00:44:27.640 | set him in the corner.

00:44:28.640 | A little bit later on, she came back and looked at him, and he turned around and looked at

00:44:33.920 | her and he said, "Mom, on the outside, I'm sitting down, but on the inside, I'm standing

00:44:38.840 | up."

00:44:41.640 | He had obeyed, right?

00:44:43.080 | Had he submitted?

00:44:44.080 | No, he had not.

00:44:46.680 | He had not submitted.

00:44:48.280 | So there's not, I don't care how big, strong you can be, you can't force a wife to submit.

00:44:53.400 | Nowhere, this is a decision that she has to make before God in her own walk with the Lord

00:45:01.380 | for her to be submissive to you.

00:45:04.520 | Well, what is it?

00:45:06.520 | Well, godly leadership.

00:45:07.880 | I love the description in John 10, 27.

00:45:10.360 | I think this is a great description.

00:45:13.700 | Godly leadership.

00:45:15.960 | Jesus says, "My sheep hear my voice and they," what?

00:45:18.600 | "They follow me," right?

00:45:21.080 | That's a great definition of leadership.

00:45:23.900 | My sheep hear my voice and they follow me.

00:45:28.420 | Jesus didn't drive the sheep with a bullwhip.

00:45:31.640 | You can't drive sheep.

00:45:32.640 | It's like herding cats.

00:45:35.120 | You can't do it.

00:45:36.120 | They'll just scatter all over the place.

00:45:38.160 | You can't drive sheep with a bullwhip, but you can lead them.

00:45:41.080 | You can get out in front of them and by the example of your life, and then they follow.

00:45:46.340 | That's godly leadership.

00:45:47.740 | That's what Jesus did as a shepherd.

00:45:53.400 | So if you're going to set an example, what kind of example are you going to set?

00:45:56.840 | Well, a godly leader focuses on needs, the needs of others.

00:46:00.600 | That's what a husband should do.

00:46:03.400 | He sets the tone for that home, for that marriage by focusing on the needs of others.

00:46:08.460 | His goal, he is also goal-oriented and he needs to set godly goals.

00:46:15.320 | So where are you leading your family?

00:46:16.480 | Where do you want your family to be in five years or 10 years or 15 years?

00:46:22.560 | He also sets examples of control in every area of his life, like Job set for his children

00:46:29.400 | in Job chapter 1, where he went out and offered sacrifices just in case his children had sinned

00:46:35.640 | the night before.

00:46:36.640 | That's setting an example of godliness.

00:46:41.440 | So how much television do you watch?

00:46:43.800 | What kind of television do you watch?

00:46:45.840 | What kind of books do you read?

00:46:46.840 | Where do you go on the internet?

00:46:51.280 | How much sleep do you get?

00:46:54.040 | How much time do you spend with the family, not being consumed by things at work?

00:46:58.600 | There's a host of things, setting examples of control.

00:47:01.360 | How much do you eat?

00:47:02.600 | What do you eat?

00:47:03.600 | Do you eat the proper kind of food?

00:47:06.320 | You're setting examples for your wife and for your family.

00:47:08.320 | Jeff?

00:47:09.320 | >> Go back to number two, he's goal-oriented.

00:47:10.320 | What do you do?

00:47:11.320 | You're counseling a family where the husband has a lot of goals, but yet the decision or

00:47:12.320 | the goal might not be the wisest, like moving to a new area or something.

00:47:27.560 | >> Well, when we're talking about goals here, we're talking primarily spiritual goals.

00:47:32.960 | Those things override and set the stage for all of the intermediate goals.

00:47:43.400 | Intermediate goals may be like moving from one house or one location to another location,

00:47:48.600 | but how is that servicing the overall spiritual goals of the family?

00:47:53.680 | And so you can determine the value of a wise or unwise move if you have broader spiritual

00:48:02.320 | goals that will help them if you're counseling a person like that.

00:48:07.920 | That's really quite a good question.

00:48:13.000 | Number four, I think being a godly leader means also that he's a problem solver.

00:48:18.320 | She can turn to him for help.

00:48:20.760 | He may not be able to solve every problem, that's not the point.

00:48:24.040 | The fact that she knows that she can turn to him in order to receive help is all that's

00:48:32.920 | needed.

00:48:33.920 | Now, it does help if he's able to solve some problems.

00:48:39.200 | Furthermore, he's also a teacher.

00:48:42.120 | He leads her in the word.

00:48:44.040 | He leads his family in the word.

00:48:47.620 | So where are you leading your family?

00:48:48.960 | Where do you want your family to be?

00:48:53.960 | And then sixth, he's also a joy to live with.

00:48:58.680 | That's what a godly leader is.

00:49:00.440 | He's a joy to live with.

00:49:01.440 | You know, I've always wanted, even when I was a pastor for many years, I never wanted

00:49:05.360 | to bring the problems at church home with me.

00:49:09.680 | And when I walked in the door, I wanted my kids to see, to look forward to that time

00:49:18.480 | because I think I counseled so many families where the kids and the wife dreaded when dad

00:49:23.200 | got home.

00:49:24.200 | "Dad's going to be home in 10 minutes.

00:49:26.880 | Everybody run for cover."

00:49:27.880 | All right.

00:49:29.640 | They're diving underneath the bed, you know, "Yeah."

00:49:33.720 | Dad comes in and he's a grouch.

00:49:35.760 | He's going to bite everybody's head off.

00:49:37.720 | No, I didn't want that.

00:49:40.600 | I wanted them to say, "You know what?

00:49:43.200 | 10 minutes, dad's going to be home.

00:49:46.760 | Best time of the day.

00:49:50.580 | This is what I look forward to.

00:49:53.120 | He's coming home."

00:49:54.120 | Okay.

00:49:55.120 | And you walk in the door, I don't care how many problems or what the problems have been

00:49:59.000 | at work, you walk in the door, you're positive.

00:50:01.480 | That doesn't mean that you're, you know, off the wall crazy, but you're positive and it's

00:50:10.440 | a joy to see them.

00:50:13.000 | You're a joy to live with.

00:50:15.120 | So what do we got?

00:50:16.120 | We got three things that are key, little memory devices you can stick in the back pocket in

00:50:20.560 | order to remember how to be godly husbands.

00:50:23.520 | The first thing is learner.

00:50:25.080 | The second thing is lover.

00:50:27.280 | And the third is leader.

00:50:29.960 | Now I've been teaching these for years.

00:50:31.160 | I mean, it's several years ago, this must have been 25 years ago, I was doing a wedding

00:50:35.040 | and I did the premarital counseling of a couple.

00:50:44.880 | And this particular couple, Tim and Brenda.

00:50:50.280 | I was trying to think of their name, Tim and Brenda.

00:50:54.320 | I did their premarital counseling and I said, "Okay, Tim, on the day of the wedding, I'm

00:50:58.480 | gonna ask you what are the three things you need to remember in order to be a godly husband

00:51:01.600 | and I want you to repeat them for me and tell me what they mean."

00:51:04.440 | He says, "Pastor, I'll be there.

00:51:06.440 | I will be ready."

00:51:07.440 | The day of the wedding showed up, I usually go in and have prayer with the bride and her

00:51:12.080 | family and all the bridesmaids, then I go over and have prayer with the groom and all

00:51:17.760 | the groomsmen and his family and right in the middle of that group, I say to Tim, "Tim,

00:51:23.360 | there's three things you gotta remember in order to be a godly husband to Brenda.

00:51:26.640 | What is it?"

00:51:27.640 | He says, "I've got 'em, Pastor, learner, lover, lever."

00:51:35.240 | Everybody cracked up.

00:51:37.480 | I said, "This wedding's off."

00:51:38.720 | And then he smiled and he says, "No, learner, lover, leader."

00:51:44.880 | I said, "Do you understand what those mean?"

00:51:46.560 | He says, "Yes."

00:51:47.560 | And I said, "Explain 'em to me."

00:51:48.880 | Okay, and he went ahead and explained those three things.

00:51:51.680 | Learner, lover, leader, not lever.

00:51:55.320 | Leader.

00:51:56.960 | That's a key thing.

00:51:57.960 | And I always tell that story because somehow it cements those concepts in a male's mind,

00:52:03.120 | but it does.

00:52:04.120 | Learner, lover, and then they always get this smile, leader.

00:52:08.200 | Alright, let's come back to the wife's role and take a look at it now.

00:52:15.760 | We've talked about the husband's role.

00:52:17.360 | In order to be a godly husband, you've gotta be a learner, lover, and leader, those three

00:52:22.300 | key things.

00:52:23.300 | And we have three things for the wife as well.

00:52:26.840 | What really is God's design for wives?

00:52:30.880 | And as we get into this, this is a little helpful illustration, pick this up in a little

00:52:36.920 | comic strip.

00:52:37.920 | Here's an illustration of what some wives really think of their husbands.

00:52:42.240 | The counselor here says, "Now, when we last met, I asked each of you to bring a list of

00:52:48.040 | things that your spouse does that really annoy you."

00:52:51.920 | Okay, now notice, the husband has a little, teeny sticky note there, and she has this

00:53:02.240 | pile of things.

00:53:05.240 | Alright, what are the things that your spouse does that really annoy you, the counselor

00:53:11.720 | says.

00:53:12.720 | Well, and the reason why I like that particular comic strip is something very similar to that

00:53:19.720 | happened to me, only I had not given it as an assignment.

00:53:24.080 | I had actually met with this couple for the first time, and I found out that they were

00:53:29.240 | having marital problems, and that's the reason why they were coming to counseling.

00:53:32.600 | And I had prayer with them, and after the prayer, I looked at the couple, and I said,

00:53:38.680 | "Alright, tell me the reasons why you're here, tell me why you believe that you have come

00:53:43.000 | in to receive some biblical help and counsel."

00:53:46.960 | And I barely got those words out of my mouth when she had reached down into her little

00:53:51.640 | satchel that she had brought with her, and pulled out what looked like a ream of paper.

00:54:00.120 | It was about that thick, and she laid it down in front of me, and she pointed to it, and

00:54:05.560 | she said, "This is the reason why we're having problems in our marriage."

00:54:11.880 | And I looked at it, and I started rifling through the papers, and I realized that this

00:54:18.080 | was a record that she had kept of every wrong thing her husband had ever done in their seven

00:54:25.320 | or eight years of marriage.

00:54:29.000 | And it was a ream, single-spaced, alright?

00:54:34.320 | She had kept a record of every wrong thing.

00:54:37.840 | And I looked up at her, and I said, "Wow, you're right.

00:54:41.360 | This is one of the reasons why you're having serious problems in your marriage."

00:54:45.680 | And she kind of smiled like I agreed with her, you know, and only I meant it in an entirely

00:54:51.280 | different way than what she meant it.

00:54:54.160 | And I said to her, "By the way, do you love your husband?"

00:54:58.280 | "Oh, yes, yes, yes.

00:54:59.280 | I love my husband."

00:55:02.080 | I said, "Are you really sure that you love him?"

00:55:04.560 | "Oh, I do.

00:55:05.560 | I love my husband.

00:55:06.560 | Yes, I do."

00:55:07.560 | "And you want to make your marriage work?

00:55:08.560 | Is that right?"

00:55:09.560 | "Oh, yes.

00:55:10.560 | I really want to make my marriage work."

00:55:11.560 | I said, "Well, do you know what the Bible says about what you've said here?"

00:55:16.040 | She got really quiet.

00:55:17.400 | "No."

00:55:18.400 | "What?"

00:55:19.400 | "The Bible says you don't love your husband at all.

00:55:24.000 | How can you say that?

00:55:25.000 | I love my husband."

00:55:26.000 | I said, "I didn't say that.

00:55:27.000 | The Bible says that."

00:55:28.000 | "Where does the Bible say that?"

00:55:29.000 | "Well, 1 Corinthians 13."

00:55:30.000 | "Where does it say that in 1 Corinthians 13?"

00:55:33.320 | "Well, the Bible says there that love keeps no record of wrongs."

00:55:38.920 | Well, this is the reason why you're having problems, or at least is a part of the reason.

00:55:54.840 | So there are a lot of women that are very unhappy and really discontent in marriage,

00:56:08.960 | not because they cannot find happiness and contentment, but because they've really not

00:56:14.000 | known how or even tried to do things God's way.

00:56:21.160 | In most homes as well, roles have sort of been meted out like tossed salad.

00:56:26.520 | Few couples really have a biblical idea.

00:56:28.440 | A husband doesn't have any idea what his role is in our society today.

00:56:33.440 | The wife doesn't know really what her role is from a biblical perspective either, and

00:56:37.360 | so they just try to work things out.

00:56:40.200 | And in our culture, in our postmodern culture today, and there are many who believe that

00:56:44.760 | we're way past postmodernism now, and we probably are, at least from on a philosophical level.

00:56:53.200 | But in our postmodern culture today, egalitarianism is very, very prominent.

00:57:03.560 | Egalitarianism says that God created Adam and Eve as equals in all respects without

00:57:07.680 | distinction as to purpose and/or roles other than is required by actual physical necessity.

00:57:15.040 | It says that the fall destroyed the original mutability of men and women and inaugurating

00:57:22.880 | a period of male over female hierarchy never originally intended by God, and that the new

00:57:30.280 | covenant inaugurated by Jesus Christ restored the original order of mutual submission, thereby

00:57:35.280 | removing all prohibitions to functional equality both in the home and within the church.

00:57:42.480 | One of the primary appeals to that, of course, is Ephesians 5, 21 and 22.

00:57:53.720 | So that's what egalitarianism essentially says in our culture today.

00:58:00.720 | But would we accept that theologically?

00:58:04.440 | No, we would not accept that.

00:58:05.960 | In fact, in contrast to that, we would believe and teach that from a biblical standpoint,

00:58:14.560 | God does not teach egalitarianism.

00:58:17.440 | God teaches complementarianism, that God created Adam and Eve as equals in all respects but

00:58:25.520 | with distinction as to purpose and/or roles in life.

00:58:29.520 | We'll see this in a little bit.

00:58:31.440 | So by God's design, man was originally given loving authority over the woman to whom he

00:58:36.320 | was bound in marriage, and that the fall destroyed the original God-ordained order of male headship

00:58:44.880 | in the marital relationship, inaugurating a period of mutual enmity and a desire by

00:58:50.160 | a woman to usurp the authority given to men at creation, and the new covenant inaugurated

00:58:58.400 | by Jesus Christ reaffirms to the Christian community the original order of male headship

00:59:04.240 | or authority both in the home and within the church.

00:59:08.720 | And with the husband living with the wife in an understanding way and the wife being

00:59:12.360 | subject to her husband as to the Lord, both partners in Christian marriage now complement

00:59:17.440 | each other in their purpose and roles, thereby bringing ultimate glory to God.

00:59:22.600 | It is really the transformation of regeneration brought about through salvation that takes

00:59:30.100 | the sting of that curse away, that would naturally bring about enmity between the two.

00:59:40.320 | Now, take your Bible and let's take a look at our first term here.

00:59:45.120 | Let's go over to Ephesians 5, and I just mentioned just a moment ago in verse 22 where

00:59:54.160 | it says, "Wives, be subject to your own husbands as to the Lord."

01:00:00.720 | Now as soon as we bring up that word subject or submission, I'm wondering what comes to

01:00:06.160 | your mind.

01:00:08.080 | What ultimately does submission mean to you?

01:00:11.760 | For some women, the first thing that comes to their mind is something like this.

01:00:18.880 | This is the idea of submission.

01:00:22.600 | She's walking behind him really carrying the heavy burden of the marriage and all the responsibilities

01:00:29.520 | while he is sort of carefree walking before her and leading her in a path wherever it

01:00:38.200 | is that they're going.

01:00:39.480 | Or many women think this, that submission somehow equals that.

01:00:46.480 | Or submission usually ends up being something like this, "Okay, I've got to be submissive

01:00:51.080 | to my husband, so I have the rest of my life to do this."

01:00:56.160 | All right, well, what does it mean?

01:01:00.960 | What does it mean biblically?

01:01:03.520 | Well, the wife has a biblical responsibility to practice submission.

01:01:08.700 | We can see that in Ephesians 5, 22 through 24, as well as 1 Peter 3, 1.

01:01:15.040 | But in order to understand this, we probably ought to take a look at what submission is

01:01:18.760 | not, and then we'll talk about what it is.

01:01:22.320 | Number one, it is not and it doesn't mean inequality.

01:01:28.120 | It never meant that.

01:01:30.320 | It doesn't somehow mean that males are somehow better than females in God's eyes.

01:01:36.240 | That is not the case at all.

01:01:39.720 | In fact, if that were the case, then the very Trinity, the Godhead, there would be a problem

01:01:47.680 | because there is functional subordination even within the Godhead.

01:01:52.320 | You have God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit.

01:01:56.440 | The Son submits himself to the will of the Father.

01:01:58.720 | The Holy Spirit submits himself to the will of the Son.

01:02:01.800 | There is a functional subordination within the Godhead and yet all three are equally

01:02:06.400 | God.

01:02:07.400 | None of them lose any kind of equality as God.

01:02:12.760 | They are all equally God.

01:02:14.200 | They are one as God.

01:02:17.640 | None add or subtract to the godliness of the Godhead.

01:02:24.120 | It doesn't mean inequality.

01:02:27.480 | Number two, it doesn't mean the infallibility of the husband.

01:02:30.120 | There are some women who say, "Okay, I'm willing to be submissive as long as, Lord,

01:02:33.960 | you make him so he doesn't make any mistakes."

01:02:36.080 | Well, that's pretty nice.

01:02:40.120 | There's only been one husband on the entire planet that it's ever been that way and I'm

01:02:45.400 | sorry, he's already married to the church.

01:02:47.160 | You can't have him.

01:02:49.520 | His name is Jesus Christ.

01:02:51.040 | He's the only perfect husband that has ever been out there.

01:02:55.060 | It doesn't mean the infallibility of the husband.

01:02:57.900 | It doesn't mean that somehow the wife is immobile either.

01:03:02.040 | My husband does everything.

01:03:03.040 | I don't do anything.

01:03:04.040 | Now, I've counseled couples that are like that.

01:03:08.200 | Not younger couples.

01:03:09.200 | Rarely do you ever find a younger couple like that, but older couples I've counseled like

01:03:13.480 | that.

01:03:14.480 | I remember one particular couple where he almost did everything in the marriage.

01:03:17.720 | He went to work.

01:03:18.720 | He had a particular job.

01:03:20.560 | He did all the shopping.

01:03:21.600 | He handled the checkbook.

01:03:22.800 | He did all the driving.

01:03:23.880 | She didn't even have a driver.

01:03:25.480 | Basically what she did was she stayed home, took care of the house a little bit, did a

01:03:29.640 | little bit of the washing, although he did a lot of that too, and a little bit of the

01:03:33.320 | cooking.

01:03:34.320 | That's about all she did.

01:03:35.320 | And as they were getting older, he had pretty serious heart trouble and the doctor said,

01:03:40.380 | "You don't really have a long time to live," and he was scared to death.

01:03:42.960 | What is she going to do without me?

01:03:45.000 | She can't balance a checkbook.

01:03:46.360 | She can't drive a car.

01:03:47.880 | She doesn't even know how to shop and this has been going on in years in that home.

01:03:55.460 | Doesn't mean that she's immobile.

01:03:57.080 | That's craziness.

01:03:58.440 | That's treating a woman like she's just an appendage without an independent mind or thought

01:04:04.040 | or gifts or talents.

01:04:07.600 | Or it doesn't mean that you have to be inarticulate.

01:04:13.520 | There are some women who think that.

01:04:15.360 | I've got to be just totally silent.

01:04:17.080 | That's what submission means.

01:04:18.360 | No.

01:04:19.360 | In fact, the Bible talks about the fact if you have questions and you are to go home

01:04:23.200 | and talk about these questions, theological questions, the implication, in your home with

01:04:27.640 | your husband.

01:04:28.640 | You're not to be silent.

01:04:31.120 | No.

01:04:32.120 | In fact, your husband needs your input.

01:04:38.280 | You need to let your counselees know that.

01:04:43.360 | Whether they like it or not, they need your input.

01:04:47.520 | You have a feminine perspective on life that he doesn't have.

01:04:51.200 | My wife has helped me out numerous times in ministry on that issue.

01:04:55.440 | Remember I'd preach a sermon.

01:04:56.440 | I'd be standing in the back of the church at the foyer shaking hands with the people

01:04:58.640 | and they'd go by.

01:04:59.640 | Couples would go by and they'd say certain things to us.

01:05:01.960 | My wife would be standing with me and talking with them too.

01:05:04.840 | On the way home in the car, she'd say, "Oh, do you remember Mr. and Mrs. Jones coming

01:05:09.160 | by after the service and talking with us?"

01:05:10.880 | "Oh, yeah, yeah.

01:05:11.880 | I remember that."

01:05:12.880 | "Do you know what Mrs. Jones was saying when she said da-da-da-da-da-da-da?"

01:05:15.040 | I'd say, "Oh, sure.

01:05:17.520 | I know what Mrs. Jones was saying.

01:05:19.120 | She was saying da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da."

01:05:21.440 | "Oh, no," my wife would say.

01:05:24.920 | That's not what she was saying.

01:05:27.240 | "Really?

01:05:28.680 | Well, what was Mrs. Jones saying?"

01:05:31.680 | "Well, she was saying," and of course, as a good woman, she's reading between the lines.

01:05:37.520 | I'm just taking their words at face value.

01:05:40.160 | Major mistake.

01:05:45.240 | She was saying da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da.

01:05:50.000 | "Really?

01:05:51.000 | That's what she was saying?"

01:05:52.000 | So, the evening service, I'd see Mrs. Jones.

01:05:54.440 | I'd say, "Mrs. Jones, when we were talking this morning, did you mean when you made these

01:05:58.480 | comments da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da?"

01:06:01.480 | "Why, yes, Pastor.

01:06:03.920 | That's right."

01:06:04.920 | And I know what she was thinking.

01:06:05.920 | "My pastor understands me.

01:06:08.520 | I have a pastor who knows.

01:06:09.520 | I don't have the foggiest idea what she's thinking.

01:06:11.320 | My wife knows what she's thinking.

01:06:12.320 | I don't have the foggiest idea what she's thinking."

01:06:16.520 | But somehow, that kind of clicked.

01:06:19.280 | She gives me a feminine perspective on ministry that I don't have, which I need.

01:06:23.280 | I kind of walk around with male blinders on, just as she can walk around with female blinders

01:06:31.080 | on.

01:06:36.440 | You're going to need his help, as a wife, to understand your teenage sons, and you're

01:06:42.760 | going to need her help to understand your teenage daughters.

01:06:48.200 | What's going on?

01:06:50.120 | So it doesn't mean you're inarticulate.

01:06:52.960 | It doesn't mean that you are intellectually stagnant.

01:06:58.680 | I don't do any thinking.

01:06:59.680 | My husband does all the thinking for me.

01:07:03.000 | No.

01:07:04.000 | No.

01:07:05.000 | In fact, God gave you a brain.

01:07:09.360 | When a person, when a wife thinks that, that's really a doormat mentality, because your husband

01:07:15.800 | may ask of you things that are biblically unjust.

01:07:19.500 | They're not right.

01:07:23.720 | And so you have a biblical responsibility to say, "Sweetheart, I love you.

01:07:26.920 | I'm willing to follow you in everything that's right, but as soon as you ask me to do something

01:07:30.640 | that's clearly biblically or morally wrong, I can't do that."

01:07:38.200 | If you don't think through things carefully, a wife can become a doormat.

01:07:45.600 | No.

01:07:47.440 | God gave you a brain.

01:07:48.440 | There's a reason why God gave a wife a brain, and it's foolish if a husband doesn't take

01:07:53.920 | advantage of that.

01:07:55.680 | Furthermore, it doesn't mean that influence is impossible.

01:07:58.400 | By the way, all these start with I.

01:07:59.840 | I'm a pastor, okay?

01:08:00.840 | I have to alliterate.

01:08:01.840 | It's a part of my blood, all right, that your influence is impossible.

01:08:09.760 | I mean, look at 1 Samuel, chapters 1 through 3, where God prepared a woman, Hannah, who

01:08:18.160 | eventually, through her godliness and through the rearing of her son, turns an entire nation

01:08:24.520 | around.

01:08:27.840 | And she was submissive to her husband.

01:08:29.280 | It doesn't mean that your influence is impossible.

01:08:33.120 | And seven, it doesn't mean iniquitous manipulation.

01:08:36.040 | Now, I'm really stretching the I thing here, but it works, all right?

01:08:40.760 | It doesn't mean that.

01:08:44.280 | There are some wives who think that, that if I'm going to be submissive, then I'm the

01:08:47.160 | person that kind of controls things behind the scenes.

01:08:50.320 | You've probably heard the little saying, "The husband is the head of my home, but I'm the

01:08:55.480 | neck that turns the head," okay?

01:08:58.200 | That's the idea behind this.

01:08:59.480 | "Oh, yeah, he's the head of the home, but I'm the neck that turns the head.

01:09:02.520 | I'm the one really controlling.

01:09:04.000 | He's the marionette out front, and I'm the one that pulls the strings.

01:09:07.480 | I'm the one that makes him move and talk and do all the right things so that he does all

01:09:10.840 | the right things."

01:09:11.840 | No, that's iniquitous manipulation.

01:09:15.200 | No, that's not submission.

01:09:18.300 | So what is it?

01:09:19.840 | What is submission?

01:09:20.840 | Well, it is a divine plan of function and order.

01:09:23.960 | In fact, the word, the Greek term, hupotasso, that's used here is really a military term.

01:09:31.480 | It refers to soldiers in rank marching in order.

01:09:39.380 | One soldier hupotassoing himself to another soldier.

01:09:43.480 | That is, there is orderliness there.

01:09:46.800 | And so that's the reason why we say that it is a divine plan of function and order within

01:09:52.440 | the home.

01:09:54.320 | And really, given the culture of moral chaos that's out there, of all homes, Christian

01:10:00.520 | homes should appear orderly and be orderly.

01:10:04.760 | Now, I was in the military for six years.

01:10:09.440 | I was in the American Air Force, and one of the first things they do is when they get

01:10:13.040 | you in the military is they send you through all kinds of training and stuff, and part

01:10:19.680 | of that training is teaching you to march.

01:10:22.600 | So they'll take you out in the parade field and teach you how to march, and you spend

01:10:25.040 | hours learning how to march.

01:10:26.040 | Now, why do they do that?

01:10:27.680 | So that you'll look good in parades.

01:10:29.800 | No, that's not the reason why they do that.

01:10:33.680 | This is an ancient military idea that goes way back that during war, literally, the culture,

01:10:45.280 | the society is falling apart all around you, and it's the military machine that can maintain

01:10:51.400 | discipline and order in the midst of everything falling apart around them that achieves its

01:10:56.840 | objectives.

01:10:59.400 | This is a good term here.

01:11:01.200 | Hupotasso means maintaining discipline and order within the home.

01:11:08.440 | Soldiers in rank marching in order is the idea.

01:11:12.480 | It's also the way of life for every believer, verse 21.

01:11:15.560 | This is where egalitarians make a major mistake, and they interpret this to mean mutual submission

01:11:21.540 | throughout this passage.

01:11:22.960 | That's not the case at all.

01:11:24.400 | It is not mutual submission in this passage.

01:11:27.920 | On the contrary, he's talking about the fact that as a person grows from the time they're

01:11:33.800 | a little child, they have to learn submission.

01:11:40.720 | When a girl gets married, that's not the first time that she has to all of a sudden struggle

01:11:46.080 | with the concept of submission.

01:11:47.960 | She had to learn when she was a little girl to submit herself to her mother and father,

01:11:51.920 | and then later on to her teachers, and then later on to police officers, and later on

01:11:59.920 | to church leaders, and later on to her Sunday school teacher, and so on and so on and so

01:12:06.280 | on.

01:12:07.280 | As she began to grow up, she had to learn how to submit herself.

01:12:10.680 | Within the body of Christ, we are to be subject to one another in the fear of Christ.

01:12:15.360 | He gives examples of this.

01:12:16.800 | He's not saying that husbands need to submit themselves to their wives.

01:12:21.960 | That's not the case any more than he's saying in chapter 6, verses 1 through 4, that parents

01:12:30.080 | and fathers need to learn how to submit themselves to their children.

01:12:33.880 | That's ridiculous.

01:12:34.880 | No, he's not saying that.

01:12:37.960 | He's just using several different illustrations on how we submit ourselves to one another

01:12:45.560 | as we grow, is the idea, throughout our lifetime, and that's always true.

01:12:52.720 | It's true of men.

01:12:53.720 | Men have to learn to submit themselves to their parents.

01:12:55.920 | Men have to learn to submit themselves to their teachers.

01:12:58.560 | They have to learn to submit themselves to the police officers.

01:13:00.720 | They have to learn to submit...

01:13:01.960 | All of this is true, church authorities.

01:13:05.800 | And even when they become adults, that's still true.

01:13:09.460 | We all submit ourselves to one another.

01:13:12.680 | But then wives need to submit themselves to their husbands, which is another way of illustrating

01:13:17.240 | that.

01:13:18.480 | Children need to submit themselves to their parents.

01:13:21.920 | Slaves need to submit themselves to their masters.

01:13:25.040 | Employers, employees need to submit themselves to their employers.

01:13:30.960 | In that particular context.

01:13:32.600 | So that's why we say it's a way of life for every believer.

01:13:37.120 | It's not something that somehow a woman all of a sudden says, "Oh yeah, I've got to get

01:13:40.760 | married now.

01:13:41.760 | Let me see if I can learn this concept of submission."

01:13:44.420 | If she's had problems submitting herself to her parents, to her teachers, to other people

01:13:50.520 | that are in authority in their church, she's probably going to have a problem submitting

01:13:55.120 | herself to you.

01:14:00.520 | If you're going to marry her.

01:14:04.880 | So what's her attitude?

01:14:07.360 | What's her life like?

01:14:09.040 | Thirdly, it's a protection for the wife, almost like an umbrella.

01:14:14.880 | This is a great illustration.

01:14:17.440 | It's a protection, almost like an umbrella.

01:14:20.080 | And you can imagine just for a moment, a large umbrella, which is a symbol of the husband's

01:14:26.560 | authority, and if she is willing to submit herself and be under that particular authority,

01:14:33.880 | then a lot of decisions are made for her.

01:14:36.080 | He takes the brunt of everything else that goes on in the home.

01:14:40.720 | She doesn't have to.

01:14:42.080 | She has all kinds of freedom underneath that umbrella to do whatever it is she wants.

01:14:48.960 | He's the one that has to shoulder the main responsibilities for what happens.

01:14:54.640 | Now when she decides to walk out from underneath that umbrella, then she gets exposed to the

01:14:59.640 | elements of the world.

01:15:02.640 | Much the same way in 1 Corinthians chapter 5, when the Apostle Paul talks about church

01:15:07.040 | authority being very similar to an umbrella, and remember this is concerning the young

01:15:15.520 | man who had committed sexual immorality with his stepmother, and the Apostle Paul says

01:15:23.040 | the church needs to excommunicate that young man and says, "Turn him over to Satan,"

01:15:27.560 | Paul says, "for the destruction of the flesh, that his soul might be saved."

01:15:31.240 | In other words, in removing him out from underneath the umbrella of the church's authority, he

01:15:36.240 | exposes that guy to elements in the world, "Turn him over to Satan for the destruction

01:15:42.360 | of the flesh, that his soul might be saved," Paul says.

01:15:47.240 | So removed out from underneath that authority, now he gets exposed to elements that he shouldn't

01:15:51.720 | have to be exposed to, and by the time we get to 2 Corinthians chapter 2, we find out

01:15:59.160 | that the same man ends up repenting and coming back to the church, which is a good thing.

01:16:06.720 | So it's a protection for the wife.

01:16:08.120 | Thirdly, it's an attitude as unto the Lord.

01:16:12.480 | It's an attitude as unto the Lord.

01:16:18.920 | It starts in her heart.

01:16:22.000 | It's not just merely external obedience.

01:16:24.160 | It says that I'm going to be submissive to my husband in the same way that I am submissive

01:16:28.960 | to the Lord, and to the degree that she is submissive to the Lord is the degree at which

01:16:33.840 | she is submissive to her husband.

01:16:38.040 | Last little phrase of verse 22 says, "Wives, be subject to your own husband as to the Lord."

01:16:47.640 | So it's an attitude of life.

01:16:49.480 | It's also the act of will and not a feeling.

01:16:52.720 | If you wait, sometimes I'll tell counselees, if you wait until you feel like submitting

01:16:56.560 | yourself to your husband, then it's probably never going to happen.

01:17:04.680 | You've got to do it because you know it's right, and then your feelings will come along.

01:17:11.320 | That's exactly what John 13, 17 says, Jesus there after washing the disciples' feet says,

01:17:17.520 | "Now that you know these things, blessed are you if you do them."

01:17:20.920 | In other words, he knew that this was going to be very hard for them to practice, and

01:17:25.080 | he says, "You've got to do what you've got to do based upon what you know, not based

01:17:28.800 | upon how you feel.

01:17:30.040 | The blessing comes after you do it.

01:17:32.800 | The feelings come along after you do it, but you've got to do it first.

01:17:37.480 | Now that you know these things, blessed are you if you do them."

01:17:41.520 | So the doing of it comes first, then comes the blessing of it.

01:17:45.720 | But you've got to act upon what you know is right.

01:17:52.920 | Then number six, it's the proof of her love.

01:17:58.880 | The proof of her love.

01:17:59.880 | John 14, verse 21, Jesus says, "If you love me, keep my commandments.

01:18:05.140 | You want to demonstrate that you really love me, then keep my commandments."

01:18:08.320 | Same thing's true with a wife's relationship to her husband.

01:18:12.240 | She can talk about loving her husband all she wants, but it's absolutely meaningless

01:18:18.760 | until she's willing to submit herself to him.

01:18:24.840 | Number seven, not only that, but this is also an all-inclusive command.

01:18:31.720 | Look at verse 24, "But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to

01:18:37.520 | their husbands," and the last two words are, "in everything."

01:18:44.140 | Now the question is, what does that mean?

01:18:45.460 | What if my husband asked me to lie or to cheat?

01:18:52.700 | Should I follow that?

01:18:53.700 | Well, the answer is no.

01:18:55.340 | If you study this within context, it means in everything that is right.

01:19:01.480 | Let me show you an illustration of this.

01:19:02.920 | Let's go over to 1 Peter 3.

01:19:05.200 | We were there earlier.

01:19:08.300 | Let's go back there.

01:19:10.340 | 1 Peter 3, and we're interested in verse 6.

01:19:14.340 | Here within the context, earlier in verse 1, he says, "In the same way, you wives be

01:19:18.340 | submissive to your own husbands, so that if any of them are disobedient to the word, they

01:19:22.540 | may be won over without a word by the behavior of their wives."

01:19:27.320 | Verse 6 says, "Just as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him Lord, you have become her children

01:19:33.900 | if you do what is right without being frightened by any fear."

01:19:38.980 | So you're supposed to be submissive to your husband, but it's supposed to be in everything

01:19:43.780 | that is right.

01:19:44.780 | If he tells you to lie, if he tells you to cheat, if he tells you to do anything that's

01:19:48.380 | clearly unbiblical or immoral, then you have a biblical responsibility to say, "Sweetheart,

01:19:54.500 | I can't do that.

01:19:56.220 | I want to follow you, and I'm willing to be submissive to you in any way that you want

01:20:01.340 | me to be, as long as you don't tell me to disobey God."

01:20:06.480 | So at that particular point, then a wife has a biblical responsibility to stand up to her

01:20:10.240 | husband and say, "I can't do it."

01:20:15.720 | So it's an all-inclusive command, but it's an all-inclusive command in terms of everything

01:20:19.360 | that is right.

01:20:22.180 | Now Sarah's a good example of that, because Sarah lied, not just once, but twice, right?

01:20:26.780 | For her husband.

01:20:27.780 | And I think that's what's behind the statement that Peter makes here.

01:20:30.900 | Peter understands this.

01:20:32.780 | Sarah didn't always do that which is right.

01:20:35.420 | She lied to save her husband's skin, because Abraham had said to her, "I want you to tell

01:20:41.940 | them that you're my sister."

01:20:43.580 | Well, she wasn't his sister, and she participated in that.

01:20:49.980 | Well, Sarah is a wonderful woman to follow, but not in everything.

01:20:55.100 | And there are two examples there that you should not follow her.

01:20:58.860 | You're supposed to follow her in everything that's right, though.

01:21:02.500 | And then, then you're a good example.

01:21:05.620 | You're a chip off of Sarah's block, so to speak.

01:21:10.020 | Furthermore, it's a proper relationship to God's authority.

01:21:14.620 | What are we talking about here?

01:21:16.860 | Well, you have a learner's spirit.

01:21:21.660 | You're willing to learn.

01:21:22.660 | You realize that, "Wow, in my flesh, this is not something that I would naturally want

01:21:26.100 | to do, but I'm willing to do it because I believe that God's going to teach me something

01:21:32.580 | great through this.

01:21:34.540 | This is the most honoring thing I can do for God."

01:21:39.200 | And so, it becomes a proper relationship to God's authority, because you believe that

01:21:45.860 | God is in sovereign control over these events.

01:21:49.700 | Even if you question your husband's decision, you say, "Oh, here he is making another goofy

01:21:56.340 | decision.

01:21:57.340 | There's nothing immoral or nothing overtly wrong with it, but it's just not a good one.

01:22:01.820 | It's not a wise one, but I still have a responsibility to follow."

01:22:05.980 | I'm sure there are many times in our marriage my wife has had to do this.

01:22:08.940 | She's sort of rolled her eyes and thought to herself, "Here he goes again."

01:22:11.880 | Well, Lord, I believe you're big enough that you can overrule his stupidity.

01:22:20.220 | You're big enough to do this, and she follows.

01:22:26.940 | So it's a proper relationship to God's authority.

01:22:29.420 | It's also a way to stay youthful.

01:22:32.540 | In fact, if you're still there in 1 Peter 3, he says this.

01:22:38.260 | He says, well, let's start in verse 1, "In the same way, you wives, again, be submissive

01:22:44.660 | to your own husbands, so that even if any one of them are disobedient to the word, they

01:22:52.980 | may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your chaste

01:22:58.700 | and respectful behavior."

01:23:00.480 | And then he says, "Your adornment must not be merely external, braiding of hair and the

01:23:04.860 | wearing of gold jewelry, or putting on a dress, but let it be the hidden person of the heart,

01:23:09.380 | with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the

01:23:12.900 | sight of God."

01:23:15.220 | In other words, as you grow older, you're fighting a losing battle.

01:23:21.280 | Those externals, when you're young, as a young lady, are going to go away.

01:23:25.460 | You're going to get crow's feet.

01:23:27.780 | Your chin is going to sag.

01:23:31.580 | Your hair is going to go thin.

01:23:33.620 | It's going to turn white.

01:23:35.420 | You can take all the vitamins you want and calcium tablets forever and ever ad infinitum

01:23:41.420 | ad nauseam, and you're still going to get stooped over.

01:23:45.380 | Still going to happen.

01:23:47.280 | You can take baths in oil of ole, gallons of it, and you're still going to get wrinkles.

01:23:57.220 | It's just the process of getting older.

01:24:00.280 | So how do I stay attractive in the eyes of my husband?

01:24:04.460 | The answer is, it's the inner woman.

01:24:08.260 | It's the inner woman.

01:24:09.740 | We used to have a couple in our church, and they were an older couple, and I'll never

01:24:14.780 | forget them because she was not the most beautiful woman on the planet, by any means.

01:24:20.580 | But after the service, I'd see people gathered around them because they were such gracious,

01:24:27.100 | godly couple.

01:24:28.100 | They were just naturally attractive.

01:24:33.820 | It was a way to stay youthful, a way to stay beautiful in the eyes of your husband, that

01:24:38.920 | gentle and quiet spirit.

01:24:40.160 | And it's also a picture of how the church of Jesus Christ is to obey Him.

01:24:44.500 | Soldiers in rank, the pillars in place, the church obeying God, this is the way that the

01:24:51.300 | church is to obey Him.

01:24:53.860 | So be submissive to your husbands.

01:24:57.700 | Now, on what is this based?

01:25:02.420 | On what is this based, which is a really good question.

01:25:06.580 | And in order to understand this and answer this, we've got to go over to 1 Timothy 2,

01:25:11.620 | and we're interested in verses 13 and 14, 1 Timothy 2, verses 13 and 14.

01:25:24.780 | The Bible says when, and the context here is worship within the church, but he's talking

01:25:30.900 | about why women need to not exercise authority or teach in the church.

01:25:40.960 | And he explains his theological reasons.

01:25:43.540 | And in verse 13 he says, "For it was Adam who was first created and then Eve."

01:25:49.420 | Which by the way throws a wrench in the argument of most egalitarians, because they'll say

01:25:56.340 | that the whole submission thing is based upon the fall.

01:26:01.100 | It's not.

01:26:03.420 | This was based upon the order of creation.

01:26:07.220 | It was Adam who was first formed and then Eve.

01:26:11.220 | So the foundation of godly submission is built right into the very order of creation.

01:26:19.140 | Even if the fall had never occurred, this still would have been true.

01:26:25.820 | Eve would have still had to submit herself to her husband.

01:26:31.100 | Now it would have been easier because he would have been a perfect husband, and by the way

01:26:35.940 | she would have been a perfect wife.

01:26:39.100 | It would have been easier because she wouldn't have a sinful nature that would have rebelled

01:26:42.540 | against it.

01:26:45.580 | But she still would have had to be submissive to her husband.

01:26:48.740 | In verse 14, not only that but it says, "And it was not Adam who was deceived, but the

01:26:53.300 | woman being deceived fell into transgression."

01:26:57.220 | It's based also then upon the fall, the fall into sin.

01:27:04.880 | And the implication here is that Eve has a problem giving in to people.

01:27:10.380 | That's the reason why submission becomes a protection for her.

01:27:14.500 | And by the way, most business practices and studies have indicated this.

01:27:18.940 | When you get a phone call around suppertime at your home and they want to sell you storm

01:27:24.700 | doors and garage doors and whatever it is they want to sell you, they know statistically

01:27:31.060 | that if they can talk to the woman of the house they'll sell more.

01:27:34.780 | They know that.

01:27:37.060 | Car salesmen know the same thing.

01:27:40.420 | Statistically, if you can talk the woman into it, they have a bigger, greater opportunity

01:27:46.700 | of making a sale than going after the husband.

01:27:53.020 | Eve has a problem giving in to people.

01:27:57.900 | I remember taking my daughter to go buy a car and even though the salesman knew that

01:28:01.980 | I was the one financing the whole process, he almost totally ignored me and focused on

01:28:09.260 | her and what she wanted.

01:28:11.900 | Bad move.

01:28:12.900 | Bad move.

01:28:13.900 | He didn't make any sale.

01:28:17.660 | It's based upon Eve's fall into sin, so it becomes a protection for her.

01:28:23.420 | It's also a lesson that God once taught.

01:28:27.780 | So godly submission becomes, by the way the lesson is, as a wife submits herself into

01:28:36.740 | her husband so the church of Jesus Christ is to submit himself unto the groom and that

01:28:43.140 | is Christ in the same way.

01:28:48.380 | So in order to be a godly husband, or wife, excuse me, you've got to be submissive, submissive

01:28:56.320 | to your husband.

01:28:57.940 | Second thing is Genesis chapter 2 and verse 18, in order to be a godly wife you've got

01:29:01.680 | to be a suitable helper.

01:29:05.380 | A suitable helper.

01:29:06.380 | So Genesis 2 verse 18 says, "Then the Lord God said, 'It is not good for man to be alone.

01:29:13.980 | I will make a helper suitable for him.'"

01:29:19.260 | Now what is this?

01:29:20.260 | This is someone who is ideally suited for him.

01:29:23.180 | She is his perfect complement.

01:29:30.220 | She's not a housewife or a dishwasher or a babysitter.

01:29:33.740 | She is a completer.

01:29:37.020 | She is exactly what Adam needs.

01:29:39.180 | He needs a feminine perspective on life.

01:29:45.300 | Otherwise he's going to be alone.

01:29:48.700 | This also tells us that from God's perspective her husband is her number one primary ministry.

01:29:59.540 | When my wife was a pastor's wife she understood that real well.

01:30:02.700 | The women's ministries wanted her to do this, and other ministries wanted her to do that,

01:30:07.260 | and she would do some things but she would always say my first ministry is my husband

01:30:11.060 | and secondly is my kids, and thirdly is the church.

01:30:17.020 | Her husband is her primary ministry.

01:30:21.180 | She finds her greatest joy and contentment in that role because that's the way in which

01:30:27.140 | God has designed her (Titus 2 verses 3-5) that her main role is to be busy at home.

01:30:38.260 | She is to be a busy homemaker.

01:30:45.900 | She's not a babysitter.

01:30:47.540 | She's not a clothes washer.

01:30:49.100 | She's not a dishwasher.

01:30:51.140 | She's not a housewife.

01:30:54.700 | She is a contributing member of a partnership.

01:31:02.380 | He needs her as his partner.

01:31:13.820 | So in order to be a godly wife you've got to be submissive, you've got to be a suitable

01:31:20.180 | helper, and then last of all, grab your Bible and let's go over to Ephesians chapter 5,

01:31:26.500 | we're back there, and we're interested in verse 33, "Nevertheless, each individual among

01:31:34.980 | you also is to love his own wife as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects

01:31:40.820 | her husband."

01:31:43.380 | The third area has to do with the fact that she is to be selflessly reverent.

01:31:52.120 | And you need to read through, if you haven't already, what I've attached to your notes,

01:31:56.060 | the Good Wife's Guide there from Housekeeping, monthly, 13th of May, 1955.

01:32:04.420 | That is an amazing description made in a secular magazine back in 1955.

01:32:10.340 | What does it mean to be selflessly reverent?

01:32:12.340 | What does that mean?

01:32:14.940 | Well the word there that's used is the word phobos, it's where we translate sometimes

01:32:20.540 | the word phobia or fear from, but it doesn't mean fear as in terror, it doesn't mean fear

01:32:27.340 | as in horror, it's a word fear that means to deeply respect and reverence.

01:32:36.540 | In other words, it means to honor him, prefer him, venerate him, esteem him, praise him,

01:32:43.420 | love him, admire him exceedingly.

01:32:46.860 | She is to hold him in the highest esteem within her own heart and mind.

01:32:53.020 | Now sometimes when you teach this to counselees, women are standing there and they sort of

01:32:58.180 | sit back in their chair and they say, "Oh, you don't know what this is going to do to

01:33:02.080 | my husband.

01:33:04.380 | This is just going to feed his male ego if I do this and then he is going to be impossible

01:33:10.900 | to live with."

01:33:14.460 | Well I don't deny that in many husbands that could be the case, but in a husband that truly

01:33:22.740 | loves the Lord and a wife does this seriously, it has the opposite effect.

01:33:30.380 | He realizes above all people, he does not deserve that from her because he knows his

01:33:36.340 | own heart and it actually has the opposite effect upon him.

01:33:42.500 | It actually makes him more humble, more gentle, more reasonable, more gracious towards her.

01:33:59.420 | She is to honor him, prefer him, venerate him, esteem him, praise him, love him, admire

01:34:05.940 | him exceedingly.

01:34:08.020 | You know, I don't think there's ever been a case in our marriage where my wife has ever

01:34:13.140 | said anything really negative about me.

01:34:16.540 | At least it's never come back to me.

01:34:22.600 | She does this so well to speak out.

01:34:29.700 | Now I'm not talking about falsely.

01:34:31.900 | I'm not talking about puff up your husband in such a way that it's really not true and

01:34:37.180 | you're attributing to him attributes that are not consistent with his character.

01:34:41.740 | I'm not talking about that at all.

01:34:43.660 | No matter how bad your marriage can be, every wife can still find some good virtuous things

01:34:49.300 | that she can identify in her husband's life that she can respect.

01:34:53.300 | And you know what?

01:34:55.540 | Respect always precedes romantic love.

01:34:58.420 | That's always the case.

01:35:00.040 | Respect always precedes.

01:35:01.600 | And the first thing that goes out the window when romantic love goes out is respect.

01:35:05.920 | You can't really romantically love someone that you don't respect.

01:35:10.380 | You've got to respect them first, then you romantically love them.

01:35:15.860 | And romantic love usually goes out the window because respect has gone out the window.

01:35:22.220 | The reason why a lot of women have fallen "out of love" with their husbands is because

01:35:27.580 | they have not cultivated this respect for them.

01:35:31.980 | And this has to be very intentional on their part.

01:35:36.460 | What does it mean?

01:35:41.020 | It means reverence him, don't try to revamp him.

01:35:44.020 | You know why?

01:35:45.100 | Because you're not his personal Holy Spirit, I tell counselees.

01:35:49.500 | There are some women who think that it's their appointed position in their husband's life

01:35:53.700 | to convict him of sin, righteousness, and judgment.

01:35:57.460 | I am appointed by God to do that, to point out all of his problems, like the woman who

01:36:01.840 | came and brought that whole ream of paper.

01:36:03.860 | I am there to point out every wrong thing that he's ever done.

01:36:07.380 | That's my role.

01:36:08.380 | No, no, no, no, no.

01:36:10.100 | That is the Holy Spirit's role, that's not your role.

01:36:15.060 | And he'll do a whole lot better job than you'll ever do, I tell counselees.

01:36:21.620 | Let the Holy Spirit do his job.

01:36:25.300 | And get out of the Holy Spirit's way.

01:36:30.780 | When you try to revamp him, change him, this is what I believe is that Genesis 3.16 thing.

01:36:38.620 | Control him, manipulate him, revamp him, change him.

01:36:44.420 | Focusing on his negatives becomes your excuse not to obey him.

01:36:47.700 | Well, look.

01:36:48.700 | Look at all the wrong things he does.

01:36:50.460 | He does this wrong, he does that wrong, he does that wrong, I mean, should I follow somebody

01:36:54.620 | like that?

01:36:57.140 | No, is our human conclusion, but God says yes.

01:37:04.540 | Because failure to do so will ultimately destroy your love for him.

01:37:13.780 | It will slowly eat away at him, because you no longer respect him.

01:37:17.740 | I don't respect him any longer.

01:37:21.520 | And when a wife says that, or she's come to that particular conclusion, then she really

01:37:26.620 | doesn't love him, and there's not a whole lot of future for that marriage.

01:37:32.340 | They're just going to perpetually coexist together, or they're going to end up separating

01:37:38.100 | and getting a divorce.

01:37:43.580 | In fact, you could set this up like dominoes.

01:37:46.540 | You can see this fall in a woman's life as a wife, because a failure here, ultimately,

01:37:58.680 | to actively pursue a high degree of respect for your husband will result in growing tension

01:38:05.280 | in your marriage, it's the first domino to fall, increased anger, second domino, discouragement

01:38:14.560 | is the third domino, depression is right on the heels of that, fourth domino, and ultimately

01:38:22.140 | just a general hindering of God's work in your marriage and in your home, fifth domino.

01:38:30.340 | And sometimes when couples come in for marriage counseling, you can almost identify exactly

01:38:37.660 | where they're at by looking at the wife's attitude towards the marriage.

01:38:41.620 | She becomes the barometer on how the marriage is really faring.

01:38:50.700 | Where is it?

01:38:51.700 | Where is that?

01:38:52.700 | What has really happened here?

01:38:56.980 | There are some marriages that will come in, and I'm telling you, they are in intensive

01:39:00.060 | care.

01:39:01.060 | I mean, they're bleeding, and the patient is dying.

01:39:04.260 | This marriage is ready to pass away.

01:39:08.180 | Now is not the time to correct all the problems.

01:39:10.500 | Now is the time to use a tourniquet and triage procedures to keep this thing alive so you

01:39:21.380 | can ultimately bring about real healing.

01:39:24.260 | Then you go after the core issues.

01:39:27.820 | You may have to do that.

01:39:30.380 | And some of these triage procedures is going after a husband or going after a wife and

01:39:36.700 | what they view their role to be.

01:39:40.460 | Serious violations of God's Word has occurred because they are not, as a husband, a learner,

01:39:44.740 | a lover, a leader, as a wife, submission, suitable helper, selflessly reverent.

01:39:51.460 | Somewhere along the line, they've fallen apart.

01:39:54.300 | And they're not going to be able to get back up.

01:39:55.300 | They're not going to be able to get back up.

01:39:56.300 | They're not going to be able to get back up.

01:39:57.300 | They're not going to be able to get back up.

01:39:58.300 | They're not going to be able to get back up.

01:39:59.300 | They're not going to be able to get back up.

01:40:00.300 | They're not going to be able to get back up.

01:40:01.300 | They're not going to be able to get back up.

01:40:02.300 | They're not going to be able to get back up.

Lecture 12: Marriage and Family Counseling - Dr. John D. Street

Chapters