We want to begin our hour today dealing with the role of the husband, God's design for husbands, and take a look at what the Bible has to say about that. So in order to get there, I want you to start by grabbing your Bible and let's go over to Genesis chapter 3 and we're interested in verse 16, Genesis 3 and verse 16.

Of course we come into that infamous account of the fall and God's judgment upon mankind and his individual judgment upon the serpent and then Eve and then later Adam. Verse 16 is a description of the curse in relationship to the woman. He said to the woman, he said, "I would greatly multiply your pain," and then the next word is the preposition "in," I-N in the English.

It actually in the Hebrew is "avav," which probably should be translated "and," and it would be more literally translated "your pain and childbirth," "in pain you shall bring forth children, yet your desire will be for your husband and he will rule over you." Now there has been a lot of commentary on this particular verse down through rabbinic as well as church history as to what this means.

This last little phrase, "in pain you will bring forth children," or no, "yet your desire shall be for your husband and he will rule over you," that little phrase. What is he talking about? What is God saying there? Well there's only one other time that we have in the entire book of Genesis that word for desire used and it's used in close proximity in terms of context and that's over in chapter 4 and verse 7.

The same term is used here and you remember the account, this is Cain and Cain is angry, he is also depressed as a result of God accepting his brother Abel's sacrifice and not his. God comes to him in verse 6 and says, "The Lord said to Cain, 'Why are you angry and why has your countenance fallen?'" I think that's a good Hebraic description of depression.

Or at very least he is sullen and he is probably full of a lot of self-pity because God has not accepted his sacrifice. Then he says, now God gives Cain an opportunity to turn around here, "If you do well, will not your countenance be lifted up?" Which tells me, this is in a sense God's first instructions in dealing with, specifically with sin which tells us right from the very beginning that there is always joy in obedience.

If you do well, if you do the right thing, if you obey me, there is going to be joy. If you don't, things are going to get worse. In fact he says, "And if you do not do well, sin is crouching at the door." So he sort of zoomorifies his sin, in other words he turns sin into like an animal that crouches at the door and when he walks through that door it jumps on him and overpowers him.

So if you don't do not do well, sin is crouching at your door and it's desire, there's the word that's used back in 316, it's desire is for you but you must master it. Now we have a little bit better understanding within this context that in this particular case sin's desire was to control, manipulate, and dominate Cain.

This is very deliberate, willful, what later on is called in the Old Testament high-handed sins, this is very willful, presumptuous sin, as David talks about in Psalm 19. So this kind of sin desires to control you or master you but you must master it. Now if that indeed, and I think it is, the understanding of this word, it's very similar back in 316, "Yet your desire," he says to the woman, "will be for your husband." The implication is like sin's desire was to control Cain, so her desire will be to control and manipulate her husband, to in a sense dominate him, that's going to be her natural desire of her heart, and then his natural desire will be to rule over her.

Here the Hebrew word melech is the idea of to probably be heavy-handed in his rule over her, so now marriage becomes a struggle. Marriage under the curse becomes a game of king of the hill. It becomes the battleground of the sexes. Who's going to win out? Whose will is going to win the day here?

Her desire will be to control and manipulate her husband and his desire will be to rule over her. Sometimes when my wife does seminars and ladies' conferences and stuff like that, she'll talk about that. She says, "You know, I've never met a woman yet that I've ever counseled who didn't have some kind of an idea of the way that she really wanted her husband to turn out.

She always has an idea of the way she wants her husband to be, and some women are more overt about getting their husbands to be that way, the way they think they ought to be. Some women are more passive, resistive in their ability to be able to, or in their approach in trying to get their husband to be what they want him to be, but whatever the case, they go about taking steps in order to manipulate, control the situation.

Sometimes they make threats, sometimes they promise things, and then many men then want to make sure they keep their wife under control. They want to rule over her, all right? And this is where you can see in the popular culture today, at least a cultural understanding of why the Bible is so misused by men to be oppressive to women in a marital situation, because they use the concept of submission that we'll talk about a little bit later, and they'll want to suppress a wife and keep her under his thumb, so to speak.

So there is that struggle within marriage as a result of the curse. Now what's marvelous to me, sometimes when I talk about this with couples that are having marital problems, I'll describe this to help them understand that the Bible says this is a natural thing that will happen outside of Christ.

But praise God for the Lord Jesus Christ, because he comes along, takes the sting of that curse away, and he actually instills within that husband a desire to lead his wife, but serve her and her needs first before his own, and that sting taken away in the wife's life constitutes her desire to now follow her husband and be a helpful complement to him instead of competing with him, instead of struggling with him.

So in Christ now, the sting of that curse now is taken away. So marriage does not have to be a constant conflict, strife, or struggle. It doesn't have to be that way. And God has provided this in Christ. Now we'll talk about that a little bit later. But that sort of sets the tone for what I want to talk about here in terms of God's design for husbands.

The first thing that we have to talk about is bring up the question, what is the nature of a man's leadership in the home? Because the Bible's definition of leadership and the world's definition of leadership are two different things. In fact, if you were to go over to Matthew chapter 20, when Jesus is talking about the concept of leadership, we're interested in verse 25, Jesus called them to himself and said, "You know that the rulers, the Gentiles, lorded over them, and their great men exercised authority over them." Now that's the way the world views leadership, to exercise heavy-handed authority over a person.

That's why some husbands do that. They think that that's what it means for a man to lead his household, that is to exercise heavy-handed authority over his wife. But Jesus says that's the way the world thinks. Verse 26, "It's not this way among you, but whoever wishes to be great among you must be your servant." And the Greek term here is diakonos, all right?

It's the word that, the derivative of that is the word where we get our word deacon from. All right? So real leadership from a biblical perspective is being like a deacon, a servant. Verse 27 says, "And whoever wishes to be first among you shall be your slave." Now he changes the term.

Here's the word doulos, "Just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve and to give his life a ransom for many." So Christ came to be a diakonos and he came to be a doulos. He came to be a deacon, he came to be a slave, not just a servant, but to be a slave to others who have need.

Now that's a radical definition of leadership. That's radically different from what the world says where a man thinks, "I've got to be the head of my home." He struggles to be the head of the home with his wife. And what he's really trying to do is just exercise raw power in leadership.

But Jesus says, "That's not the way it is with my kingdom. That's not the way in which my gospel will go forward." What is it that God then expects of a husband? Well he expects them to lead through servanthood. Or another question, how is the husband's role really viewed in our society today?

The home is under such a heavy attack from several different locations and there are a lot of men who can command a business and they command an organization. They can even command a church, but they've abrogated their throne of responsibility in leading their home. Now so what is the condition then of your home?

That's a critical question. It's a good question for counselees that we work with. Well the Bible says whether that man is leading or not, they and their family and their ministry are hurting if they're not doing it God's way. Now what I usually do in counseling is I'll talk this through carefully with people, taking them to Scripture.

But I want these men to learn three things, three terms, three English terms to help them remember their role as a godly husband. It's just something they can stick in the back pocket, so to speak, and pull out every now and then and say, "How am I doing?" The first term that we want to deal with is taken from 1 Peter 3 and verse 7.

So if you have your Bible, let's go over there, 1 Peter 3, 7. And here Peter is writing, the context here has to do with husbands who are married primarily to unbelieving wives, and these wives are bringing hardship into their life. They're causing quite a bit of suffering because as husbands they're the believers, the wives are not believers.

But here in verse 7 he says, "You husbands, in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way." So the first term I want them to understand is that a Christian husband is a learner. A Christian husband is a learner, and let me explain what I mean by that.

The term that's used here, it's stated in the present tense, active participle here. In fact, it is a sun compound, sun oikonos, which means a husband has a responsibility to dwell together with his wife, and then the question is answered, how is he supposed to do that? And the next term is gnosis.

Now it's translated in a lot of English translations as understanding, and it can be translated. That's a good literal translation of it, but I don't like that translation because of the way in which the contemporary English man views understanding. When they read that, I think that the typical English guy says, "Oh, I'm supposed to understand her.

After all, she's a woman." Which is not the idea there at all. The idea of gnosis, where by the way was derived later on in the first and second century to describe the Gnostic movement, actually means to be knowledgeable. The Gnostics believed they had a higher knowledge or some kind of mystical, special revelation from God or Jesus Christ that other people didn't have.

So they had a knowledge. So it has to be, it means to be knowledgeable, gnosis. Conscious sensitivity, he is supposed to act in such a way that he is conscientiously sensitive to her and live with her in a knowledgeable way. By the way, that happens to be one of the main complaints that comes up in marital counseling all the time.

If I've heard it, I've probably heard it a hundred times, and I'm not exaggerating. Where I hear a wife that says, "Listen, he's just not sensitive to what's going on in my life." Well, the Bible says if you're going to be a good husband, you need to be. You have to dwell with her knowledgeably, is the idea.

So that's very interesting because there is this attitude out there in the world, and the world says basically, "Who can understand women?" You can almost see them throw their hands up and they go, "Wow, women. I mean, they're emotional, they change. One day they act so logical, and the next day they act so emotional.

One time in the month, they're really just off the planet somewhere out there in orbit. You can't get a fix on them. You just can't understand them. They're just out there." That's what the world says. But what this implies, according to what Peter is saying here, is that we're required to, and that's going to require time spent with your wife.

You cannot know your wife without spending time with her, and, of course, the question always comes up in counseling, "Well, is that quality or quantity?" All right? I don't know. Some guys are real slow learners, so it's going to have to be quantity, all right? Whatever it takes to know your wife, that's the idea.

By the way, I love the expression on the guy's face in our picture here, all right? Whatever it takes to know her, that's what you need to do. So it requires time spent with her. This also, this implication, says if we're going to really understand her, we're going to get a grasp on how did God uniquely create a woman?

What is unique about their gender? Sometimes I like to illustrate it like this. Listen, guys, you did not grow up hearing stories about giving birth. She did. Some of the pleasures of that and some of the horror stories of that. That probably, when you were growing up, never crossed your mind.

You didn't think about giving birth to a baby because you don't do that. She does. She thinks about that. When she was a girl listening to older women talking about it, she sat there and soaked that all in and she heard the stories, the good stories and the bad stories and that's something that she carries with her in the back of her mind.

You didn't have to grow up that way. You didn't have to grow up thinking about a monthly period. You didn't have to grow up doing that. She does. There's a time of the month that she just doesn't feel good and for some girls it's worse than others. That's the way God created them.

They have to go through that particular type of a struggle on a regular basis. That's something that is totally outside your sphere of experience. You don't have to do that. How did God create women? What is unique about their gender? My daughter, right at this particular point, is within a few days of giving birth to our second grandchild.

Her name is going to be, they know it's a little girl, Felicity Sophia Arns. So we're looking forward to that happening and my daughter is looking extremely pregnant. And one of her biggest concerns when she just had her doctor's appointment yesterday was I'm afraid this baby's too big. Is it too big, doctor?

Now as a guy, you probably wouldn't give a second thought to that. It's a big baby, so what? Yeah well, you don't have to bring that thing into the world, all right? So that's a concern on her part. Is this thing too big? No, it's not too big. Looks fine, you look fine, you're going to do well.

This is her first baby, she's never had this experience before, you know, this is going to be an interesting process to go through for her, so all that's going to happen. How did God create women? What's unique about their gender? What about your wife? What is unique and special about your wife?

You know, every woman has certain strengths and certain weaknesses just like every man does. What is unique about your wife? How well do you know her strengths and her weaknesses? There are some women who are very good musicians. Other women who could care less about musical things or artsy things, they would rather get out and mow the lawn and plant flowers and take care of the cattle.

They'd rather do that, you know, be out there and that's their longing, that's their interest, that's what they like. What's unique about your wife? What's special about her? What makes her different than the other women around her? Or what is the particular load that your wife bears? What is unique in her struggles in life and how is she different in this way?

Some women have grown up in homes where maybe a father or mother or brothers or sisters or aunts or uncles have abused them physically or sexually. Just a few years ago, I sat down with an international pastor and he and his wife were going through some difficult times, he had a pretty challenging ministry where he was at, and we spent time talking about events that had occurred in his wife's life years before when she was a girl growing up on how she had been sexually abused by people in her past.

Did that have an effect upon their marriage? Absolutely did. It was still something that she carried with her right into that marriage. So when the Bible talks about living knowledgeably with your wife, it talks about getting to know some of the unique challenges that she has. There are certain types of problems that women will have, like endometriosis, that as men we don't usually have any problems with that, but they'll have problems with that.

How is your wife different? Does she have a physical problem? Is it because of her history and her background? Maybe she comes from a home that's not a believing home, mother or father, we're not believers, or maybe she comes from a divorced home where mom and dad were divorced, and she wonders in the back of her mind, "Is this gonna happen to me again in my own home?

Is this something that will occur here?" That could have an effect upon how she views life. So how is she different in this way? What is it that makes your wife really unique? All of that is key. Now, notice, let's go back to 1 Peter 3, 7. He says, "We're supposed to dwell with them," and I would rather translate it in a knowledgeable way instead of an understanding way, in a knowledgeable way, "as with someone weaker since she is a woman." Now, he's not saying that negatively.

I think our culture today would read that negatively. Well, she's weaker because she's a woman. That's the way it would be read. It's not what he's saying. In fact, the word weaker is a word that actually could be translated delicate, okay? It's the same word that was used oftentimes of delicate piece of fine pottery that was handmade or hand-crafted.

If you go to Israel and you walk around Israel, almost everywhere you go, there's broken pieces of pottery all over the place. You can pick them up and see them that have just been there for centuries upon centuries. Delicate pieces of fine pottery. Since she is a woman. That's not a negative statement.

That's a positive statement. After all, Eve was the crowning point of creation. Not until Eve was created did God then call creation not just good but very good. Crowning point. So you're supposed to treat her with respect like a weaker vessel, like a delicate vessel. And it doesn't necessarily...

I don't believe that this word means that she's physically weaker. You may be able to argue that, that generally males tend to be a little bit bigger, a little bit stronger. Generally, that may be true. But that's not what he's saying here. What he is saying here is you're supposed to treat her as...

You know, there are some women who work out, all right? And they can lift some pretty good weights. You know, they're not little daisies, delicate daisies. But whether or not she's that way or not, that's not the issue. You're supposed to treat her as you would a delicate piece of fine china, like that.

A lot of men treat their wives like Tupperware, all right? Not like fine china. Let's say, for instance, you went down to Kmart and on one of their blue light specials, you bought a piece of china, maybe a flower vase. And you paid 25 bucks for it. It looked really pretty, something to go with your house.

You'd probably check it out, pay for it, throw it in one of those little plastic bags and take it out the car, pitch it in the back, take it home, put it up on the mantle there in your house, put some dried flowers in it, occasionally dust it off and comment how pretty that thing is.

But let's say, for instance, you inherited a 5th century Ming vase worth millions, millions. What would you do with it? I know some of you guys are saying you'd sell it and it ruins my whole illustration. All right, no. What would you do with that? You'd probably hire brink security to go pick this thing up in an atmospherically controlled vault, made sure that this thing was strapped down during transport on a very soft cushioned pillow, not exposed to too much light or radiation out there in the sun so it doesn't fade it at all.

You don't want to lose any value at all. Well, that's the idea here. She is your 5th century Ming vase. You are to treat her as a delicate vase, which means to honor her, respect her, cherish her as you would an expensive piece of fine china. She is to be treated with utmost value.

That's the implication. And what even magnifies this even more is the next little phrase in the verse because it says, "And show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life." That little word "as" is a very important word in our verse because in this particular case within the context and the flow of the argument, this woman is not a believer.

So he is saying you treat her, even if she's not a believer, as you would a believing wife. The same way, no different. Just because you're married to an unbeliever does not change this one iota. So that your prayers may not be hindered. In other words, you learning her affects your spiritual life.

You think your prayers aren't getting any higher than the ceiling? Then you need to check your relationship to your wife. How are you treating your wife? This really essentially says her problems become your problems. Godly husbands do not say, "Well, she made the mess. She'll just have to take care of it herself." Godly husbands don't say that.

No. So that nothing, nothing hinders your prayers. You know, not all of my problems are my wife's problems. But you know what? Every single one of her problems are my problems. Every single one. There's nothing that she has. There's nothing. Nothing that she does. There's no difficulty that she encounters that's not my problem.

Because I'm responsible before God for her. That's pretty heavy. First thing you got to remember in order to be a godly husband is be a learner. Second thing you got to remember in order to be a godly husband. Let's go over to Ephesians chapter 5 and verse 25. Ephesians 5, verse 25.

Again, this is just a little memory device. In order to be a godly husband, you got to be a lover. Verse 25 of Ephesians 5 says this, "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave himself up for her." Now the question comes, how is it that a man is to have, or what is really the love that it is that a man is to have for a woman?

Because our American European culture does not help us here at all. The popular view of a man's love for a woman really is a macho sexual conquest type of a love. I'll show her I love her, grab her hand and drag her to bed. That's the way I show her that I love her.

Well, anyone can take from a woman, but that is not biblical love. Biblical love is always defined as giving. That's true in John 3, 16, "For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten Son." Galatians 2, 20, "Christ loved us and gave himself up for us." Here in Ephesians 5, 25, he says, "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave himself up for her." So every time you see this concept of love in the New Testament, it's usually associated with this action verb, to give.

There's a giving. But this macho sexual conquest thing is nothing but taking. Anybody can take. Biblical love is really giving, and biblical love, I think, then is the real test of masculinity. It's not a test of masculinity to take sex from somebody. It is a test of masculinity to give, to give without expecting anything in return.

God-like love gives, and the more that a husband understands that, the more his wife's heart wants to respond to him in the right way. So in order to be a godly husband, first, you've got to be a learner, but secondly, you've got to be a Christ-like lover. Now, oftentimes in counseling, the question comes, "How far does this go?

What is the degree of love that I am supposed to show as a husband to my wife?" Well, you'll notice here in Ephesians 5, 25, he says, "We are to love as Christ loved." So whatever example he demonstrates for us becomes our example. And there's at least three things that we can say about that.

One is, we know that 1 John 4, 19, Christ loved us first. We love him because he first loved us. So it's not her responsibility to initiate love in the home. Sometimes I'll have husbands do that to me. They'll come in and they'll sit down in counseling, and they'll say, "There's no love in our home," and then they'll look scathingly at their wife, and I want to put a mirror in front of them and have them read 1 John 4, 19 and say, "Why?" Because it's your responsibility to initiate love.

If you're going to love as Christ loved, then he loved first. So you're the one who should initiate love in the home. It's not her responsibility to do that. It's your responsibility. We love him because he first loved us. If we're going to love like Christ, then we initiate that love.

She doesn't initiate it. So we love first. Then it says there in Ephesians 5, 25, that he loved most. He gave himself up for her, that is, for the church. So he loved most. It is a type of love that is totally giving. And then 1 John 3, 18, "Let us not love in word, neither in tongue, but in deed and in truth." So he loved unmistakably.

He loved first, most, and unmistakably. That's the kind of love that we not just tell our wives that we love them. We need to show it through what we do. Now let's go back to Ephesians 5 and skip down just a few verses to verse 28, where it says, "So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own body." That's a critical verse.

So how are we to love? We're to love as Christ loved, but we're also to love as our own bodies, Ephesians 5, 28. Here if husbands love their wives as much as they love themselves, they'd have great marriages. The assumption here at this particular point is that men already love themselves a lot.

They do. I mean, you think about it. When your husband's thirsty, what does he do? He goes get something to drink. When he's hungry, he gets something to eat. When he's hurt, he goes get something to bandage up the hurt. When he's tired, he goes to bed. He looks out for himself very well.

That's his default nature. Now if he looked out for his wife with the same degree of passion and love that he looked out for himself, then he'd have a great marriage. So we're to love as, not just as Christ loved, but we're to love as our own bodies. No one ever yet, he says, hated his own body, verse 29, but nourishes it and cherishes it just as Christ does the church.

Now that doesn't mean we don't dislike certain aspects of our body. You know, sometimes you'll get people that'll come in for counseling and I can remember back a few years ago I was sitting in my office and I had a young lady come in and she was really depressed.

In fact, I think I shared this. Did I share this illustration with you? I don't know whether I did or not, but she was really depressed and so she sat down and I said, "What's wrong?" and she says, "I just hate myself." And I said, "You do? Are you depressed?" "Yeah." "Are you miserable?" "Mm-hmm." "Well, tell me why you hate yourself." And usually when you ask that question, you'll get a whole litany of answers.

I'm too tall, too short, too fat, too skinny. I'm not athletic enough or I'm not academic enough or I'm not musical enough or whatever. And you could add to it. And eventually after I listened to her for a while, I said to her, I said, "Now I'm really confused.

You've got to help me." She says, "What are you confused about?" I said, "You came in and told me that you hated yourself, that you were depressed, that you were miserable. That doesn't make any sense to me." "Well, why not?" "Well, because if you really hated yourself," if that were the case, if you really hated self, you'd be happy you were weird and different because you'd say, "Ah, that's just the way I am.

I hate myself anyhow. That's just me. I'm weird. I'm too tall, too short, too fat, too skinny. I have a crooked nose. I have big ears. So that's just me." But the very fact that you're depressed and miserable tells me that deep down in your heart, you really love yourself an awful lot.

And because this is different on the outside, that's what makes you miserable. And the tears started to flow. And she says, "Nobody's ever said that to me before." I said, "Well, that's what the Bible says." So I took her over to passages like this and over in Matthew 22.

And the next hour, I had lunch there in the college cafeteria. And she had lunch at the same time, and I was watching her go through the salad line. And she came up to this big bowl of red cherry tomatoes, and she was rifling through the red cherry tomatoes and picking one up, looking at it for a little bit, and then putting it back, picking one up, looking at it, putting it back.

And I thought to myself as I sat there and watched her, "What is she doing? I know what she's doing. She hates herself. So she's looking for the worst tomatoes in the entire bunch. That's what she's doing because she innately hates herself." Well, you know as well as I do, that's not what was going on.

No, no, no. She was picking out the reddest, ripest, most perfect cherry tomatoes she could find in that whole salad bowl to put on her salad. Why? Because her default nature was to look out for herself first. That was her innate love of self. Same thing is true with husbands.

You come to our house, and you'll see in the middle of the dining room table, which my wife usually has a bowl that has bananas in it or oranges or apples, and we'll have college students over all the time, and they'll grab an apple, and they'll pick it up, twirl it around a little bit, put it back, get another one, twirl it around a little bit, put it back.

What are they doing? They're looking for the worst one in the bunch because people innately hate themselves. No they don't. They're looking for the best one in the bunch, the one with the least bruises on it so that they can eat it, and it tastes good, and it's not going to be sour, and well, that's the way people are, default nature.

That's the assumption that Paul makes here. Husbands are to love their wives as their own bodies, so if a husband loved his wife as much as they already loved themselves, then they'd have great marriages. They looked out for themselves. In fact, one last thing. Notice this, thirdly, that this is the thing that overcomes bitterness, Colossians 3.19.

Husbands love your wives and do not be embittered against them. You look at this in the original language, and it's very clear that it's impossible to maintain and hold on to your bitterness because sometimes I'll have wives say to me, "You don't understand my wife. You don't understand what she's done.

You don't understand what's happened in our marriage. You don't understand what a wicked tongue she has. She can slice you and dice you with her tongue. You don't understand my wife." I don't care how bitter you are, if you are practicing Christ-like love, it will be impossible for you to hold on to your bitterness.

That's going to be impossibility. So it's this kind of love that overcomes bitterness. So in order to be a godly husband, number one, first you've got to be a learner. Number two, you've got to be a Christ-like lover. Number three, Ephesians 5, 23 through 25, you've got to be a godly leader.

Now what leadership is not? A godly leader is not a dictator. We already saw that in Matthew 20, 25 through 28. Instead he's a diakonos, he's a doulos, he's a servant, or a slave really, and a deacon. He's a slave and a deacon. A godly leader is not a dominator.

Too many men think that they must make all the decisions in their marriage. No. God gave his wife certain gifts and talents and a mind, and he's a fool if he doesn't use those abilities and gifts and talents. And a godly leader is not demanding. He's not demanding. In other words, he doesn't force her to submit.

Nowhere in the Bible does it say, "Husbands, make sure your wives submit." It doesn't say that anywhere in the Bible. It's wives, submit yourselves into your husbands. It's a decision that she has to make, and by the way, there's no husband on the planet, I don't care how big and strong he might be, that can force a wife to submit, no matter how small and delicate she may be.

You know why? Because submission has to do with an attitude of the heart. It has to do with an attitude of the heart. You may get your wife to obey because you're big and strong, but you can't make her submit. It's kind of like the little boy that got in trouble with his mother, and his mother set him in the corner.

A little bit later on, she came back and looked at him, and he turned around and looked at her and he said, "Mom, on the outside, I'm sitting down, but on the inside, I'm standing up." He had obeyed, right? Had he submitted? No, he had not. He had not submitted.

So there's not, I don't care how big, strong you can be, you can't force a wife to submit. Nowhere, this is a decision that she has to make before God in her own walk with the Lord for her to be submissive to you. Well, what is it? Well, godly leadership.

I love the description in John 10, 27. I think this is a great description. Godly leadership. Jesus says, "My sheep hear my voice and they," what? "They follow me," right? That's a great definition of leadership. My sheep hear my voice and they follow me. Jesus didn't drive the sheep with a bullwhip.

You can't drive sheep. It's like herding cats. You can't do it. They'll just scatter all over the place. You can't drive sheep with a bullwhip, but you can lead them. You can get out in front of them and by the example of your life, and then they follow. That's godly leadership.

That's what Jesus did as a shepherd. So if you're going to set an example, what kind of example are you going to set? Well, a godly leader focuses on needs, the needs of others. That's what a husband should do. He sets the tone for that home, for that marriage by focusing on the needs of others.

His goal, he is also goal-oriented and he needs to set godly goals. So where are you leading your family? Where do you want your family to be in five years or 10 years or 15 years? He also sets examples of control in every area of his life, like Job set for his children in Job chapter 1, where he went out and offered sacrifices just in case his children had sinned the night before.

That's setting an example of godliness. So how much television do you watch? What kind of television do you watch? What kind of books do you read? Where do you go on the internet? How much sleep do you get? How much time do you spend with the family, not being consumed by things at work?

There's a host of things, setting examples of control. How much do you eat? What do you eat? Do you eat the proper kind of food? You're setting examples for your wife and for your family. Jeff? >> Go back to number two, he's goal-oriented. What do you do? You're counseling a family where the husband has a lot of goals, but yet the decision or the goal might not be the wisest, like moving to a new area or something.

>> Well, when we're talking about goals here, we're talking primarily spiritual goals. Those things override and set the stage for all of the intermediate goals. Intermediate goals may be like moving from one house or one location to another location, but how is that servicing the overall spiritual goals of the family?

And so you can determine the value of a wise or unwise move if you have broader spiritual goals that will help them if you're counseling a person like that. That's really quite a good question. Number four, I think being a godly leader means also that he's a problem solver.

She can turn to him for help. He may not be able to solve every problem, that's not the point. The fact that she knows that she can turn to him in order to receive help is all that's needed. Now, it does help if he's able to solve some problems.

Furthermore, he's also a teacher. He leads her in the word. He leads his family in the word. So where are you leading your family? Where do you want your family to be? And then sixth, he's also a joy to live with. That's what a godly leader is. He's a joy to live with.

You know, I've always wanted, even when I was a pastor for many years, I never wanted to bring the problems at church home with me. And when I walked in the door, I wanted my kids to see, to look forward to that time because I think I counseled so many families where the kids and the wife dreaded when dad got home.

"Dad's going to be home in 10 minutes. Everybody run for cover." All right. They're diving underneath the bed, you know, "Yeah." Dad comes in and he's a grouch. He's going to bite everybody's head off. No, I didn't want that. I wanted them to say, "You know what? 10 minutes, dad's going to be home.

Best time of the day. This is what I look forward to. He's coming home." Okay. And you walk in the door, I don't care how many problems or what the problems have been at work, you walk in the door, you're positive. That doesn't mean that you're, you know, off the wall crazy, but you're positive and it's a joy to see them.

You're a joy to live with. So what do we got? We got three things that are key, little memory devices you can stick in the back pocket in order to remember how to be godly husbands. The first thing is learner. The second thing is lover. And the third is leader.

Now I've been teaching these for years. I mean, it's several years ago, this must have been 25 years ago, I was doing a wedding and I did the premarital counseling of a couple. And this particular couple, Tim and Brenda. I was trying to think of their name, Tim and Brenda.

I did their premarital counseling and I said, "Okay, Tim, on the day of the wedding, I'm gonna ask you what are the three things you need to remember in order to be a godly husband and I want you to repeat them for me and tell me what they mean." He says, "Pastor, I'll be there.

I will be ready." The day of the wedding showed up, I usually go in and have prayer with the bride and her family and all the bridesmaids, then I go over and have prayer with the groom and all the groomsmen and his family and right in the middle of that group, I say to Tim, "Tim, there's three things you gotta remember in order to be a godly husband to Brenda.

What is it?" He says, "I've got 'em, Pastor, learner, lover, lever." Everybody cracked up. I said, "This wedding's off." And then he smiled and he says, "No, learner, lover, leader." I said, "Do you understand what those mean?" He says, "Yes." And I said, "Explain 'em to me." Okay, and he went ahead and explained those three things.

Learner, lover, leader, not lever. Leader. That's a key thing. And I always tell that story because somehow it cements those concepts in a male's mind, but it does. Learner, lover, and then they always get this smile, leader. Alright, let's come back to the wife's role and take a look at it now.

We've talked about the husband's role. In order to be a godly husband, you've gotta be a learner, lover, and leader, those three key things. And we have three things for the wife as well. What really is God's design for wives? And as we get into this, this is a little helpful illustration, pick this up in a little comic strip.

Here's an illustration of what some wives really think of their husbands. The counselor here says, "Now, when we last met, I asked each of you to bring a list of things that your spouse does that really annoy you." Okay, now notice, the husband has a little, teeny sticky note there, and she has this pile of things.

Alright, what are the things that your spouse does that really annoy you, the counselor says. Well, and the reason why I like that particular comic strip is something very similar to that happened to me, only I had not given it as an assignment. I had actually met with this couple for the first time, and I found out that they were having marital problems, and that's the reason why they were coming to counseling.

And I had prayer with them, and after the prayer, I looked at the couple, and I said, "Alright, tell me the reasons why you're here, tell me why you believe that you have come in to receive some biblical help and counsel." And I barely got those words out of my mouth when she had reached down into her little satchel that she had brought with her, and pulled out what looked like a ream of paper.

It was about that thick, and she laid it down in front of me, and she pointed to it, and she said, "This is the reason why we're having problems in our marriage." And I looked at it, and I started rifling through the papers, and I realized that this was a record that she had kept of every wrong thing her husband had ever done in their seven or eight years of marriage.

And it was a ream, single-spaced, alright? She had kept a record of every wrong thing. And I looked up at her, and I said, "Wow, you're right. This is one of the reasons why you're having serious problems in your marriage." And she kind of smiled like I agreed with her, you know, and only I meant it in an entirely different way than what she meant it.

And I said to her, "By the way, do you love your husband?" "Oh, yes, yes, yes. I love my husband." I said, "Are you really sure that you love him?" "Oh, I do. I love my husband. Yes, I do." "And you want to make your marriage work? Is that right?" "Oh, yes.

I really want to make my marriage work." I said, "Well, do you know what the Bible says about what you've said here?" She got really quiet. "No." "What?" "The Bible says you don't love your husband at all. How can you say that? I love my husband." I said, "I didn't say that.

The Bible says that." "Where does the Bible say that?" "Well, 1 Corinthians 13." "Where does it say that in 1 Corinthians 13?" "Well, the Bible says there that love keeps no record of wrongs." Well, this is the reason why you're having problems, or at least is a part of the reason.

So there are a lot of women that are very unhappy and really discontent in marriage, not because they cannot find happiness and contentment, but because they've really not known how or even tried to do things God's way. In most homes as well, roles have sort of been meted out like tossed salad.

Few couples really have a biblical idea. A husband doesn't have any idea what his role is in our society today. The wife doesn't know really what her role is from a biblical perspective either, and so they just try to work things out. And in our culture, in our postmodern culture today, and there are many who believe that we're way past postmodernism now, and we probably are, at least from on a philosophical level.

But in our postmodern culture today, egalitarianism is very, very prominent. Egalitarianism says that God created Adam and Eve as equals in all respects without distinction as to purpose and/or roles other than is required by actual physical necessity. It says that the fall destroyed the original mutability of men and women and inaugurating a period of male over female hierarchy never originally intended by God, and that the new covenant inaugurated by Jesus Christ restored the original order of mutual submission, thereby removing all prohibitions to functional equality both in the home and within the church.

One of the primary appeals to that, of course, is Ephesians 5, 21 and 22. So that's what egalitarianism essentially says in our culture today. But would we accept that theologically? No, we would not accept that. In fact, in contrast to that, we would believe and teach that from a biblical standpoint, God does not teach egalitarianism.

God teaches complementarianism, that God created Adam and Eve as equals in all respects but with distinction as to purpose and/or roles in life. We'll see this in a little bit. So by God's design, man was originally given loving authority over the woman to whom he was bound in marriage, and that the fall destroyed the original God-ordained order of male headship in the marital relationship, inaugurating a period of mutual enmity and a desire by a woman to usurp the authority given to men at creation, and the new covenant inaugurated by Jesus Christ reaffirms to the Christian community the original order of male headship or authority both in the home and within the church.

And with the husband living with the wife in an understanding way and the wife being subject to her husband as to the Lord, both partners in Christian marriage now complement each other in their purpose and roles, thereby bringing ultimate glory to God. It is really the transformation of regeneration brought about through salvation that takes the sting of that curse away, that would naturally bring about enmity between the two.

Now, take your Bible and let's take a look at our first term here. Let's go over to Ephesians 5, and I just mentioned just a moment ago in verse 22 where it says, "Wives, be subject to your own husbands as to the Lord." Now as soon as we bring up that word subject or submission, I'm wondering what comes to your mind.

What ultimately does submission mean to you? For some women, the first thing that comes to their mind is something like this. This is the idea of submission. She's walking behind him really carrying the heavy burden of the marriage and all the responsibilities while he is sort of carefree walking before her and leading her in a path wherever it is that they're going.

Or many women think this, that submission somehow equals that. Or submission usually ends up being something like this, "Okay, I've got to be submissive to my husband, so I have the rest of my life to do this." All right, well, what does it mean? What does it mean biblically?

Well, the wife has a biblical responsibility to practice submission. We can see that in Ephesians 5, 22 through 24, as well as 1 Peter 3, 1. But in order to understand this, we probably ought to take a look at what submission is not, and then we'll talk about what it is.

Number one, it is not and it doesn't mean inequality. It never meant that. It doesn't somehow mean that males are somehow better than females in God's eyes. That is not the case at all. In fact, if that were the case, then the very Trinity, the Godhead, there would be a problem because there is functional subordination even within the Godhead.

You have God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit. The Son submits himself to the will of the Father. The Holy Spirit submits himself to the will of the Son. There is a functional subordination within the Godhead and yet all three are equally God. None of them lose any kind of equality as God.

They are all equally God. They are one as God. None add or subtract to the godliness of the Godhead. It doesn't mean inequality. Number two, it doesn't mean the infallibility of the husband. There are some women who say, "Okay, I'm willing to be submissive as long as, Lord, you make him so he doesn't make any mistakes." Well, that's pretty nice.

There's only been one husband on the entire planet that it's ever been that way and I'm sorry, he's already married to the church. You can't have him. His name is Jesus Christ. He's the only perfect husband that has ever been out there. It doesn't mean the infallibility of the husband.

It doesn't mean that somehow the wife is immobile either. My husband does everything. I don't do anything. Now, I've counseled couples that are like that. Not younger couples. Rarely do you ever find a younger couple like that, but older couples I've counseled like that. I remember one particular couple where he almost did everything in the marriage.

He went to work. He had a particular job. He did all the shopping. He handled the checkbook. He did all the driving. She didn't even have a driver. Basically what she did was she stayed home, took care of the house a little bit, did a little bit of the washing, although he did a lot of that too, and a little bit of the cooking.

That's about all she did. And as they were getting older, he had pretty serious heart trouble and the doctor said, "You don't really have a long time to live," and he was scared to death. What is she going to do without me? She can't balance a checkbook. She can't drive a car.

She doesn't even know how to shop and this has been going on in years in that home. Doesn't mean that she's immobile. That's craziness. That's treating a woman like she's just an appendage without an independent mind or thought or gifts or talents. Or it doesn't mean that you have to be inarticulate.

There are some women who think that. I've got to be just totally silent. That's what submission means. No. In fact, the Bible talks about the fact if you have questions and you are to go home and talk about these questions, theological questions, the implication, in your home with your husband.

You're not to be silent. No. In fact, your husband needs your input. You need to let your counselees know that. Whether they like it or not, they need your input. You have a feminine perspective on life that he doesn't have. My wife has helped me out numerous times in ministry on that issue.

Remember I'd preach a sermon. I'd be standing in the back of the church at the foyer shaking hands with the people and they'd go by. Couples would go by and they'd say certain things to us. My wife would be standing with me and talking with them too. On the way home in the car, she'd say, "Oh, do you remember Mr.

and Mrs. Jones coming by after the service and talking with us?" "Oh, yeah, yeah. I remember that." "Do you know what Mrs. Jones was saying when she said da-da-da-da-da-da-da?" I'd say, "Oh, sure. I know what Mrs. Jones was saying. She was saying da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da." "Oh, no," my wife would say.

That's not what she was saying. "Really? Well, what was Mrs. Jones saying?" "Well, she was saying," and of course, as a good woman, she's reading between the lines. I'm just taking their words at face value. Major mistake. She was saying da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. "Really? That's what she was saying?" So, the evening service, I'd see Mrs.

Jones. I'd say, "Mrs. Jones, when we were talking this morning, did you mean when you made these comments da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da?" "Why, yes, Pastor. That's right." And I know what she was thinking. "My pastor understands me. I have a pastor who knows. I don't have the foggiest idea what she's thinking.

My wife knows what she's thinking. I don't have the foggiest idea what she's thinking." But somehow, that kind of clicked. She gives me a feminine perspective on ministry that I don't have, which I need. I kind of walk around with male blinders on, just as she can walk around with female blinders on.

You're going to need his help, as a wife, to understand your teenage sons, and you're going to need her help to understand your teenage daughters. What's going on? So it doesn't mean you're inarticulate. It doesn't mean that you are intellectually stagnant. I don't do any thinking. My husband does all the thinking for me.

No. No. In fact, God gave you a brain. When a person, when a wife thinks that, that's really a doormat mentality, because your husband may ask of you things that are biblically unjust. They're not right. And so you have a biblical responsibility to say, "Sweetheart, I love you. I'm willing to follow you in everything that's right, but as soon as you ask me to do something that's clearly biblically or morally wrong, I can't do that." If you don't think through things carefully, a wife can become a doormat.

No. God gave you a brain. There's a reason why God gave a wife a brain, and it's foolish if a husband doesn't take advantage of that. Furthermore, it doesn't mean that influence is impossible. By the way, all these start with I. I'm a pastor, okay? I have to alliterate.

It's a part of my blood, all right, that your influence is impossible. I mean, look at 1 Samuel, chapters 1 through 3, where God prepared a woman, Hannah, who eventually, through her godliness and through the rearing of her son, turns an entire nation around. And she was submissive to her husband.

It doesn't mean that your influence is impossible. And seven, it doesn't mean iniquitous manipulation. Now, I'm really stretching the I thing here, but it works, all right? It doesn't mean that. There are some wives who think that, that if I'm going to be submissive, then I'm the person that kind of controls things behind the scenes.

You've probably heard the little saying, "The husband is the head of my home, but I'm the neck that turns the head," okay? That's the idea behind this. "Oh, yeah, he's the head of the home, but I'm the neck that turns the head. I'm the one really controlling. He's the marionette out front, and I'm the one that pulls the strings.

I'm the one that makes him move and talk and do all the right things so that he does all the right things." No, that's iniquitous manipulation. No, that's not submission. So what is it? What is submission? Well, it is a divine plan of function and order. In fact, the word, the Greek term, hupotasso, that's used here is really a military term.

It refers to soldiers in rank marching in order. One soldier hupotassoing himself to another soldier. That is, there is orderliness there. And so that's the reason why we say that it is a divine plan of function and order within the home. And really, given the culture of moral chaos that's out there, of all homes, Christian homes should appear orderly and be orderly.

Now, I was in the military for six years. I was in the American Air Force, and one of the first things they do is when they get you in the military is they send you through all kinds of training and stuff, and part of that training is teaching you to march.

So they'll take you out in the parade field and teach you how to march, and you spend hours learning how to march. Now, why do they do that? So that you'll look good in parades. No, that's not the reason why they do that. This is an ancient military idea that goes way back that during war, literally, the culture, the society is falling apart all around you, and it's the military machine that can maintain discipline and order in the midst of everything falling apart around them that achieves its objectives.

This is a good term here. Hupotasso means maintaining discipline and order within the home. Soldiers in rank marching in order is the idea. It's also the way of life for every believer, verse 21. This is where egalitarians make a major mistake, and they interpret this to mean mutual submission throughout this passage.

That's not the case at all. It is not mutual submission in this passage. On the contrary, he's talking about the fact that as a person grows from the time they're a little child, they have to learn submission. When a girl gets married, that's not the first time that she has to all of a sudden struggle with the concept of submission.

She had to learn when she was a little girl to submit herself to her mother and father, and then later on to her teachers, and then later on to police officers, and later on to church leaders, and later on to her Sunday school teacher, and so on and so on and so on.

As she began to grow up, she had to learn how to submit herself. Within the body of Christ, we are to be subject to one another in the fear of Christ. He gives examples of this. He's not saying that husbands need to submit themselves to their wives. That's not the case any more than he's saying in chapter 6, verses 1 through 4, that parents and fathers need to learn how to submit themselves to their children.

That's ridiculous. No, he's not saying that. He's just using several different illustrations on how we submit ourselves to one another as we grow, is the idea, throughout our lifetime, and that's always true. It's true of men. Men have to learn to submit themselves to their parents. Men have to learn to submit themselves to their teachers.

They have to learn to submit themselves to the police officers. They have to learn to submit... All of this is true, church authorities. And even when they become adults, that's still true. We all submit ourselves to one another. But then wives need to submit themselves to their husbands, which is another way of illustrating that.

Children need to submit themselves to their parents. Slaves need to submit themselves to their masters. Employers, employees need to submit themselves to their employers. In that particular context. So that's why we say it's a way of life for every believer. It's not something that somehow a woman all of a sudden says, "Oh yeah, I've got to get married now.

Let me see if I can learn this concept of submission." If she's had problems submitting herself to her parents, to her teachers, to other people that are in authority in their church, she's probably going to have a problem submitting herself to you. If you're going to marry her. So what's her attitude?

What's her life like? Thirdly, it's a protection for the wife, almost like an umbrella. This is a great illustration. It's a protection, almost like an umbrella. And you can imagine just for a moment, a large umbrella, which is a symbol of the husband's authority, and if she is willing to submit herself and be under that particular authority, then a lot of decisions are made for her.

He takes the brunt of everything else that goes on in the home. She doesn't have to. She has all kinds of freedom underneath that umbrella to do whatever it is she wants. He's the one that has to shoulder the main responsibilities for what happens. Now when she decides to walk out from underneath that umbrella, then she gets exposed to the elements of the world.

Much the same way in 1 Corinthians chapter 5, when the Apostle Paul talks about church authority being very similar to an umbrella, and remember this is concerning the young man who had committed sexual immorality with his stepmother, and the Apostle Paul says the church needs to excommunicate that young man and says, "Turn him over to Satan," Paul says, "for the destruction of the flesh, that his soul might be saved." In other words, in removing him out from underneath the umbrella of the church's authority, he exposes that guy to elements in the world, "Turn him over to Satan for the destruction of the flesh, that his soul might be saved," Paul says.

So removed out from underneath that authority, now he gets exposed to elements that he shouldn't have to be exposed to, and by the time we get to 2 Corinthians chapter 2, we find out that the same man ends up repenting and coming back to the church, which is a good thing.

So it's a protection for the wife. Thirdly, it's an attitude as unto the Lord. It's an attitude as unto the Lord. It starts in her heart. It's not just merely external obedience. It says that I'm going to be submissive to my husband in the same way that I am submissive to the Lord, and to the degree that she is submissive to the Lord is the degree at which she is submissive to her husband.

Last little phrase of verse 22 says, "Wives, be subject to your own husband as to the Lord." So it's an attitude of life. It's also the act of will and not a feeling. If you wait, sometimes I'll tell counselees, if you wait until you feel like submitting yourself to your husband, then it's probably never going to happen.

You've got to do it because you know it's right, and then your feelings will come along. That's exactly what John 13, 17 says, Jesus there after washing the disciples' feet says, "Now that you know these things, blessed are you if you do them." In other words, he knew that this was going to be very hard for them to practice, and he says, "You've got to do what you've got to do based upon what you know, not based upon how you feel.

The blessing comes after you do it. The feelings come along after you do it, but you've got to do it first. Now that you know these things, blessed are you if you do them." So the doing of it comes first, then comes the blessing of it. But you've got to act upon what you know is right.

Then number six, it's the proof of her love. The proof of her love. John 14, verse 21, Jesus says, "If you love me, keep my commandments. You want to demonstrate that you really love me, then keep my commandments." Same thing's true with a wife's relationship to her husband. She can talk about loving her husband all she wants, but it's absolutely meaningless until she's willing to submit herself to him.

Number seven, not only that, but this is also an all-inclusive command. Look at verse 24, "But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands," and the last two words are, "in everything." Now the question is, what does that mean? What if my husband asked me to lie or to cheat?

Should I follow that? Well, the answer is no. If you study this within context, it means in everything that is right. Let me show you an illustration of this. Let's go over to 1 Peter 3. We were there earlier. Let's go back there. 1 Peter 3, and we're interested in verse 6.

Here within the context, earlier in verse 1, he says, "In the same way, you wives be submissive to your own husbands, so that if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won over without a word by the behavior of their wives." Verse 6 says, "Just as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him Lord, you have become her children if you do what is right without being frightened by any fear." So you're supposed to be submissive to your husband, but it's supposed to be in everything that is right.

If he tells you to lie, if he tells you to cheat, if he tells you to do anything that's clearly unbiblical or immoral, then you have a biblical responsibility to say, "Sweetheart, I can't do that. I want to follow you, and I'm willing to be submissive to you in any way that you want me to be, as long as you don't tell me to disobey God." So at that particular point, then a wife has a biblical responsibility to stand up to her husband and say, "I can't do it." So it's an all-inclusive command, but it's an all-inclusive command in terms of everything that is right.

Now Sarah's a good example of that, because Sarah lied, not just once, but twice, right? For her husband. And I think that's what's behind the statement that Peter makes here. Peter understands this. Sarah didn't always do that which is right. She lied to save her husband's skin, because Abraham had said to her, "I want you to tell them that you're my sister." Well, she wasn't his sister, and she participated in that.

Well, Sarah is a wonderful woman to follow, but not in everything. And there are two examples there that you should not follow her. You're supposed to follow her in everything that's right, though. And then, then you're a good example. You're a chip off of Sarah's block, so to speak.

Furthermore, it's a proper relationship to God's authority. What are we talking about here? Well, you have a learner's spirit. You're willing to learn. You realize that, "Wow, in my flesh, this is not something that I would naturally want to do, but I'm willing to do it because I believe that God's going to teach me something great through this.

This is the most honoring thing I can do for God." And so, it becomes a proper relationship to God's authority, because you believe that God is in sovereign control over these events. Even if you question your husband's decision, you say, "Oh, here he is making another goofy decision. There's nothing immoral or nothing overtly wrong with it, but it's just not a good one.

It's not a wise one, but I still have a responsibility to follow." I'm sure there are many times in our marriage my wife has had to do this. She's sort of rolled her eyes and thought to herself, "Here he goes again." Well, Lord, I believe you're big enough that you can overrule his stupidity.

You're big enough to do this, and she follows. So it's a proper relationship to God's authority. It's also a way to stay youthful. In fact, if you're still there in 1 Peter 3, he says this. He says, well, let's start in verse 1, "In the same way, you wives, again, be submissive to your own husbands, so that even if any one of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior." And then he says, "Your adornment must not be merely external, braiding of hair and the wearing of gold jewelry, or putting on a dress, but let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God." In other words, as you grow older, you're fighting a losing battle.

Those externals, when you're young, as a young lady, are going to go away. You're going to get crow's feet. Your chin is going to sag. Your hair is going to go thin. It's going to turn white. You can take all the vitamins you want and calcium tablets forever and ever ad infinitum ad nauseam, and you're still going to get stooped over.

Still going to happen. You can take baths in oil of ole, gallons of it, and you're still going to get wrinkles. It's just the process of getting older. So how do I stay attractive in the eyes of my husband? The answer is, it's the inner woman. It's the inner woman.

We used to have a couple in our church, and they were an older couple, and I'll never forget them because she was not the most beautiful woman on the planet, by any means. But after the service, I'd see people gathered around them because they were such gracious, godly couple.

They were just naturally attractive. It was a way to stay youthful, a way to stay beautiful in the eyes of your husband, that gentle and quiet spirit. And it's also a picture of how the church of Jesus Christ is to obey Him. Soldiers in rank, the pillars in place, the church obeying God, this is the way that the church is to obey Him.

So be submissive to your husbands. Now, on what is this based? On what is this based, which is a really good question. And in order to understand this and answer this, we've got to go over to 1 Timothy 2, and we're interested in verses 13 and 14, 1 Timothy 2, verses 13 and 14.

The Bible says when, and the context here is worship within the church, but he's talking about why women need to not exercise authority or teach in the church. And he explains his theological reasons. And in verse 13 he says, "For it was Adam who was first created and then Eve." Which by the way throws a wrench in the argument of most egalitarians, because they'll say that the whole submission thing is based upon the fall.

It's not. This was based upon the order of creation. It was Adam who was first formed and then Eve. So the foundation of godly submission is built right into the very order of creation. Even if the fall had never occurred, this still would have been true. Eve would have still had to submit herself to her husband.

Now it would have been easier because he would have been a perfect husband, and by the way she would have been a perfect wife. It would have been easier because she wouldn't have a sinful nature that would have rebelled against it. But she still would have had to be submissive to her husband.

In verse 14, not only that but it says, "And it was not Adam who was deceived, but the woman being deceived fell into transgression." It's based also then upon the fall, the fall into sin. And the implication here is that Eve has a problem giving in to people. That's the reason why submission becomes a protection for her.

And by the way, most business practices and studies have indicated this. When you get a phone call around suppertime at your home and they want to sell you storm doors and garage doors and whatever it is they want to sell you, they know statistically that if they can talk to the woman of the house they'll sell more.

They know that. Car salesmen know the same thing. Statistically, if you can talk the woman into it, they have a bigger, greater opportunity of making a sale than going after the husband. Eve has a problem giving in to people. I remember taking my daughter to go buy a car and even though the salesman knew that I was the one financing the whole process, he almost totally ignored me and focused on her and what she wanted.

Bad move. Bad move. He didn't make any sale. It's based upon Eve's fall into sin, so it becomes a protection for her. It's also a lesson that God once taught. So godly submission becomes, by the way the lesson is, as a wife submits herself into her husband so the church of Jesus Christ is to submit himself unto the groom and that is Christ in the same way.

So in order to be a godly husband, or wife, excuse me, you've got to be submissive, submissive to your husband. Second thing is Genesis chapter 2 and verse 18, in order to be a godly wife you've got to be a suitable helper. A suitable helper. So Genesis 2 verse 18 says, "Then the Lord God said, 'It is not good for man to be alone.

I will make a helper suitable for him.'" Now what is this? This is someone who is ideally suited for him. She is his perfect complement. She's not a housewife or a dishwasher or a babysitter. She is a completer. She is exactly what Adam needs. He needs a feminine perspective on life.

Otherwise he's going to be alone. This also tells us that from God's perspective her husband is her number one primary ministry. When my wife was a pastor's wife she understood that real well. The women's ministries wanted her to do this, and other ministries wanted her to do that, and she would do some things but she would always say my first ministry is my husband and secondly is my kids, and thirdly is the church.

Her husband is her primary ministry. She finds her greatest joy and contentment in that role because that's the way in which God has designed her (Titus 2 verses 3-5) that her main role is to be busy at home. She is to be a busy homemaker. She's not a babysitter.

She's not a clothes washer. She's not a dishwasher. She's not a housewife. She is a contributing member of a partnership. He needs her as his partner. So in order to be a godly wife you've got to be submissive, you've got to be a suitable helper, and then last of all, grab your Bible and let's go over to Ephesians chapter 5, we're back there, and we're interested in verse 33, "Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband." The third area has to do with the fact that she is to be selflessly reverent.

And you need to read through, if you haven't already, what I've attached to your notes, the Good Wife's Guide there from Housekeeping, monthly, 13th of May, 1955. That is an amazing description made in a secular magazine back in 1955. What does it mean to be selflessly reverent? What does that mean?

Well the word there that's used is the word phobos, it's where we translate sometimes the word phobia or fear from, but it doesn't mean fear as in terror, it doesn't mean fear as in horror, it's a word fear that means to deeply respect and reverence. In other words, it means to honor him, prefer him, venerate him, esteem him, praise him, love him, admire him exceedingly.

She is to hold him in the highest esteem within her own heart and mind. Now sometimes when you teach this to counselees, women are standing there and they sort of sit back in their chair and they say, "Oh, you don't know what this is going to do to my husband.

This is just going to feed his male ego if I do this and then he is going to be impossible to live with." Well I don't deny that in many husbands that could be the case, but in a husband that truly loves the Lord and a wife does this seriously, it has the opposite effect.

He realizes above all people, he does not deserve that from her because he knows his own heart and it actually has the opposite effect upon him. It actually makes him more humble, more gentle, more reasonable, more gracious towards her. She is to honor him, prefer him, venerate him, esteem him, praise him, love him, admire him exceedingly.

You know, I don't think there's ever been a case in our marriage where my wife has ever said anything really negative about me. At least it's never come back to me. She does this so well to speak out. Now I'm not talking about falsely. I'm not talking about puff up your husband in such a way that it's really not true and you're attributing to him attributes that are not consistent with his character.

I'm not talking about that at all. No matter how bad your marriage can be, every wife can still find some good virtuous things that she can identify in her husband's life that she can respect. And you know what? Respect always precedes romantic love. That's always the case. Respect always precedes.

And the first thing that goes out the window when romantic love goes out is respect. You can't really romantically love someone that you don't respect. You've got to respect them first, then you romantically love them. And romantic love usually goes out the window because respect has gone out the window.

The reason why a lot of women have fallen "out of love" with their husbands is because they have not cultivated this respect for them. And this has to be very intentional on their part. What does it mean? It means reverence him, don't try to revamp him. You know why?

Because you're not his personal Holy Spirit, I tell counselees. There are some women who think that it's their appointed position in their husband's life to convict him of sin, righteousness, and judgment. I am appointed by God to do that, to point out all of his problems, like the woman who came and brought that whole ream of paper.

I am there to point out every wrong thing that he's ever done. That's my role. No, no, no, no, no. That is the Holy Spirit's role, that's not your role. And he'll do a whole lot better job than you'll ever do, I tell counselees. Let the Holy Spirit do his job.

And get out of the Holy Spirit's way. When you try to revamp him, change him, this is what I believe is that Genesis 3.16 thing. Control him, manipulate him, revamp him, change him. Focusing on his negatives becomes your excuse not to obey him. Well, look. Look at all the wrong things he does.

He does this wrong, he does that wrong, he does that wrong, I mean, should I follow somebody like that? No, is our human conclusion, but God says yes. Because failure to do so will ultimately destroy your love for him. It will slowly eat away at him, because you no longer respect him.

I don't respect him any longer. And when a wife says that, or she's come to that particular conclusion, then she really doesn't love him, and there's not a whole lot of future for that marriage. They're just going to perpetually coexist together, or they're going to end up separating and getting a divorce.

In fact, you could set this up like dominoes. You can see this fall in a woman's life as a wife, because a failure here, ultimately, to actively pursue a high degree of respect for your husband will result in growing tension in your marriage, it's the first domino to fall, increased anger, second domino, discouragement is the third domino, depression is right on the heels of that, fourth domino, and ultimately just a general hindering of God's work in your marriage and in your home, fifth domino.

And sometimes when couples come in for marriage counseling, you can almost identify exactly where they're at by looking at the wife's attitude towards the marriage. She becomes the barometer on how the marriage is really faring. Where is it? Where is that? What has really happened here? There are some marriages that will come in, and I'm telling you, they are in intensive care.

I mean, they're bleeding, and the patient is dying. This marriage is ready to pass away. Now is not the time to correct all the problems. Now is the time to use a tourniquet and triage procedures to keep this thing alive so you can ultimately bring about real healing. Then you go after the core issues.

You may have to do that. And some of these triage procedures is going after a husband or going after a wife and what they view their role to be. Serious violations of God's Word has occurred because they are not, as a husband, a learner, a lover, a leader, as a wife, submission, suitable helper, selflessly reverent.

Somewhere along the line, they've fallen apart. And they're not going to be able to get back up. They're not going to be able to get back up. They're not going to be able to get back up. They're not going to be able to get back up. They're not going to be able to get back up.

They're not going to be able to get back up. They're not going to be able to get back up. They're not going to be able to get back up. They're not going to be able to get back up.