Why Does Gossip Feel So Good?
00:00:00.000 | (upbeat music)
00:00:02.580 | - Welcome back to the Ask Pastor John podcast.
00:00:08.040 | Well, gossip is no small problem, even for Christians.
00:00:12.200 | Spreading damaging reports about others,
00:00:14.480 | it feels so good and it comes so naturally to all of us.
00:00:18.200 | But why?
00:00:19.300 | Why is this impulse so natural?
00:00:22.080 | And how do we fight against this natural impulse
00:00:24.340 | that we feel to speak damaging things
00:00:26.760 | about other people behind their backs?
00:00:29.140 | That's the question today from a listener
00:00:30.560 | to the podcast named Amber.
00:00:32.640 | Hello, Pastor John, and thanks for this podcast.
00:00:34.920 | I'm wondering how God defines gossip.
00:00:37.800 | What's the difference between gossip
00:00:39.480 | and simply sharing information about another person?
00:00:42.880 | And how do I avoid becoming a gossiper?
00:00:46.560 | - Here are my three keys for not becoming a gossiper.
00:00:51.560 | Number one, humility that does not need prominence.
00:00:58.360 | Number two, love that does not hurt others.
00:01:03.360 | And number three, large hearted purposefulness
00:01:09.060 | that is not empty or aimless.
00:01:13.540 | Now, let me show where I got those three earlier today
00:01:18.540 | when I was pondering this from the scriptures.
00:01:21.680 | Number one, consider Proverbs 26.22.
00:01:27.720 | The words of a whisperer are like delicious morsels.
00:01:31.900 | They go down into the inner parts of the body.
00:01:36.140 | Just a side note here,
00:01:38.860 | the Greek words translated gossip in 2 Corinthians 12.20
00:01:43.860 | and Romans 1.29,
00:01:48.860 | at root mean one who whispers.
00:01:53.460 | Now, that may affect this translation
00:01:55.900 | from the Old Testament.
00:01:56.820 | So I think when they say a whisperer,
00:01:59.140 | they mean somebody kind of lowering their voice
00:02:01.860 | and saying things, which we call gossip.
00:02:06.500 | But here's the point.
00:02:08.020 | There are whispered words about other people
00:02:12.380 | which taste really good, like a morsel.
00:02:17.380 | It's going down into the inner parts of the body.
00:02:21.380 | And I think that means that the person who speaks them
00:02:25.100 | has eaten them with relish.
00:02:27.300 | And now the person who's listening, who's hearing,
00:02:31.520 | is eating them with relish.
00:02:33.900 | And we all know, we know what this feels like.
00:02:37.300 | There's a pleasure that comes from being
00:02:41.100 | one of the first people to hear some juicy piece of news
00:02:45.020 | about someone.
00:02:46.340 | And we can hardly wait to let others know
00:02:50.100 | that we're in on the know.
00:02:52.120 | We've heard the news.
00:02:53.300 | And we may be the first one who could tell somebody else
00:02:57.180 | about it.
00:02:58.900 | And of course, gossip like that
00:03:01.340 | can be of two different kinds.
00:03:02.620 | It can be what I would call hard gossip,
00:03:05.760 | which means you really are mean
00:03:08.460 | and you want to hurt somebody.
00:03:10.540 | Or it can be soft gossip,
00:03:12.840 | which is what I think Amber is really asking about,
00:03:15.980 | where you may not have any intention to hurt another person.
00:03:19.840 | It just feels so good,
00:03:21.740 | so delicious to be in on the scuttlebutt
00:03:25.240 | and to be able to tell somebody who doesn't know yet.
00:03:29.400 | And now the question is,
00:03:31.640 | why does gossip feel so good?
00:03:35.380 | What drives this thing?
00:03:37.400 | Why does hearing something before others hear it
00:03:41.300 | and telling someone as the first person that's told them,
00:03:46.200 | that is, they're hearing it from you for the first time,
00:03:49.060 | why is that so delicious?
00:03:52.280 | And I think at least part of the answer
00:03:56.620 | is found by looking at the context
00:03:58.820 | in 2 Corinthians 12 20.
00:04:01.400 | It goes like this.
00:04:02.800 | I fear that perhaps when I come,
00:04:05.120 | I may find that there may be quarreling,
00:04:08.280 | jealousy, anger, hostility, slander,
00:04:12.720 | gossip, conceit, disorder.
00:04:16.200 | Now, when I look at that list of eight destructive forces
00:04:21.200 | in the Christian community
00:04:23.660 | and try to fit them all together
00:04:25.180 | and find out which one of them is at the bottom
00:04:27.620 | giving rise to all the others,
00:04:30.380 | I think at the bottom would be the word conceit
00:04:34.700 | or the reality conceit, being puffed up.
00:04:38.620 | I think this is why gossip is so delicious,
00:04:43.620 | why it tastes so good.
00:04:45.820 | It's because it feeds pride, which is endlessly hungry.
00:04:50.820 | You got the news first.
00:04:53.920 | You get to tell somebody else
00:04:56.020 | before anybody else can tell them.
00:04:58.780 | In the chain of gossip,
00:05:01.180 | you have become center stage for a moment.
00:05:04.100 | You got the news, you give the news,
00:05:06.540 | aren't you something?
00:05:08.860 | So I conclude, number one,
00:05:12.360 | that the key to not being a gossiper is humility,
00:05:17.360 | humility that doesn't need prominence.
00:05:22.560 | You have a deep, humble contentment in God
00:05:27.040 | and you don't need to feed your craven ego
00:05:30.640 | with delicious morsels of being the first to hear
00:05:34.640 | and the first to tell the juicy bit of gossip.
00:05:39.640 | That's number one.
00:05:40.720 | Number two, the second key to not being a gossiper,
00:05:44.480 | love that does not hurt others.
00:05:49.080 | Here's Proverbs 26 20,
00:05:51.400 | "For lack of wood, the fire goes out.
00:05:54.920 | And where there is no whisperer, quarreling ceases."
00:06:00.800 | And Proverbs 17 nine,
00:06:04.600 | "Whoever covers an offense seeks love,
00:06:10.080 | but he who repeats a matter separates close friends."
00:06:15.080 | In other words, if you put to death the pride
00:06:20.520 | that craves prominence
00:06:22.880 | and are willing to get no credit whatsoever
00:06:26.600 | for being in the know,
00:06:29.080 | and if you deny yourself the delicious pleasure
00:06:33.160 | of hearing and telling news
00:06:35.700 | that may stoke the fires of quarreling or dissension,
00:06:39.520 | you are acting in love.
00:06:43.000 | You're doing what you can do
00:06:45.020 | to keep from adding hurt to others.
00:06:49.360 | For lack of wood, the fire goes out.
00:06:53.600 | Covering an offense is the pursuit of love.
00:06:58.240 | So the key question is,
00:07:00.120 | are you being motivated by love or pride
00:07:04.800 | and by the pleasure of being seen as in the know?
00:07:09.160 | So the second key to not being a gossiper
00:07:13.200 | is love that does not hurt others.
00:07:16.480 | Number three, "Large-hearted purposefulness
00:07:22.160 | that is not empty and aimless."
00:07:26.260 | Here's where I get that.
00:07:27.400 | This was new for me, a new insight
00:07:29.240 | as I thought about this particular context.
00:07:32.960 | Paul cautions young widows in the Christian community
00:07:38.800 | who've had their ordinary patterns of purposefulness in life
00:07:42.720 | ripped away from them in losing their husbands.
00:07:46.600 | He urges them not to become, quote, "idlers,"
00:07:51.600 | going about from house to house,
00:07:55.320 | and not only idlers,
00:07:58.080 | but also gossips and busybodies
00:08:02.680 | saying what they should not.
00:08:05.560 | Now, notice, on one side of gossip is the word "idler,"
00:08:10.560 | and on the other side of gossip is the word "busybody."
00:08:17.800 | An idler is someone whose heart is empty and aimless.
00:08:22.800 | They just have nothing purposeful to do.
00:08:26.200 | More time on their hands and no purpose, no vision,
00:08:29.800 | no great dream for their life.
00:08:31.880 | They're just coasting from day to day,
00:08:34.920 | and the result is they become busybodies, meddlers.
00:08:39.600 | They don't have any significant affairs of their own,
00:08:42.440 | and so they nose into the affairs of others.
00:08:45.800 | And sandwiched between emptiness and aimlessness on one side
00:08:50.800 | and intrusiveness on the other side, busybodies, is gossip.
00:08:56.080 | So my conclusion is that the third key
00:09:00.600 | to not becoming a gossiper is large-hearted purposefulness
00:09:05.600 | that's not empty and not aimless
00:09:10.240 | and doesn't need to poke its nose
00:09:12.920 | into other people's business or promote oneself
00:09:17.880 | in the spreading of what belongs to somebody else.
00:09:20.960 | So Amber asks, "What's the difference between gossip
00:09:25.960 | and simply sharing information?"
00:09:29.920 | And my answer is, to answer that question,
00:09:33.480 | ask these three questions.
00:09:36.200 | Number one, is the sharing of this information
00:09:39.860 | a mark of humility that does not need prominence,
00:09:44.860 | or is it motivated by pride
00:09:47.920 | that loves the delicious feeling of being in the know?
00:09:52.920 | Number two, ask this, is the sharing of this information
00:09:57.760 | motivated by love that wants to avoid hurting others,
00:10:01.560 | or is it indifferent to what the destructive effects may be?
00:10:06.560 | And finally, third question to ask,
00:10:10.660 | is the sharing of this information
00:10:13.560 | part of my large-hearted purposefulness in life
00:10:18.560 | or simply an echo of how empty and aimless I really am?
00:10:25.800 | Three very helpful diagnostic questions.
00:10:27.840 | Thank you, Pastor John.
00:10:29.240 | And such a really good dive
00:10:30.440 | into soft gossip and hard gossip.
00:10:33.360 | Man, so much of the Christian life
00:10:34.720 | is just holding our impulses,
00:10:36.980 | our natural impulses in check by God's grace.
00:10:40.120 | Thank you for listening and making the podcast
00:10:41.960 | part of your week.
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00:10:47.240 | You can reach us by email with a question of your own,
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00:11:00.240 | Well, when we return, we have a question
00:11:01.960 | about how we take personal criticism from others
00:11:05.160 | and apply it to ourselves for the betterment of ourselves,
00:11:08.840 | which is a nice little tie-in to this episode.
00:11:11.380 | That's next time on Wednesday,
00:11:12.720 | and I will ask you, Pastor John,
00:11:14.060 | how you process personal criticism yourself.
00:11:17.160 | Until then, I'm your host, Tony Reinke.
00:11:18.320 | We'll see you then.
00:11:19.480 | (upbeat music)
00:11:22.060 | (upbeat music)
00:11:24.640 | [BLANK_AUDIO]