Session 4 - God's Design For Communication
00:00:00.000 | Let's see if we can talk about communication.
00:00:04.620 | Before we do, pop quiz.
00:00:06.440 | Gentlemen, there's three things you've got to
00:00:08.020 | remember in order to be a godly husband.
00:00:09.820 | Now, let's impress these ladies really well.
00:00:13.100 | Say it right out loud.
00:00:14.900 | Number one, I've got to be a.
00:00:16.460 | >> Wife.
00:00:17.580 | >> Uh-huh.
00:00:18.340 | >> Husband.
00:00:19.020 | >> Uh-huh.
00:00:19.740 | >> Teacher.
00:00:20.380 | >> Good. Ladies, put a smile on your husband's face.
00:00:24.140 | There are three things that you've got to
00:00:26.180 | remember in order to be a godly wife.
00:00:28.100 | Say them right out loud. Ready?
00:00:30.260 | >> Submission.
00:00:30.940 | >> Uh-huh.
00:00:31.580 | >> Suitable helper.
00:00:33.140 | >> Selflessly reverent.
00:00:34.620 | >> There you go. Submission, suitable helper,
00:00:37.260 | selflessly reverent. Those are three things.
00:00:39.700 | Now, we're all going to learn four rules of communication.
00:00:46.380 | We're all going to learn four rules of communication in the home,
00:00:49.980 | and from this particular point on,
00:00:52.500 | God is going to change the climate of your home.
00:00:56.740 | From this point on,
00:00:59.180 | God is going to change the climate of your home.
00:01:02.580 | What is the communication like in your home?
00:01:06.420 | Between you and your spouse,
00:01:08.380 | between you and your children, what is it like?
00:01:11.900 | Well, I want you to know that good communication in
00:01:14.580 | the Christian marriage does not happen automatically.
00:01:17.640 | It doesn't happen automatically.
00:01:20.300 | Neither is the Christian marriage immune from problems.
00:01:25.100 | Now, there are some people who think
00:01:26.940 | that just because both of us are Christian,
00:01:29.340 | you see a lot of young people who both love the Lord,
00:01:32.260 | and they're going to get married,
00:01:33.180 | they think that they're going to be immune from
00:01:34.580 | problems because we're both Christians.
00:01:36.980 | Well, that's not the case.
00:01:39.540 | In fact, this is one of
00:01:42.180 | the big problems that I have with these dating websites.
00:01:45.540 | They push on people the myth of compatibility, and it is a myth.
00:01:51.500 | As long as you take this extended test and answer all these questions,
00:01:54.980 | we'll find somebody in our data bank who answer
00:01:57.300 | questions in a similar way and we'll match you up with that person,
00:02:00.300 | and you're going to be the perfect couple because you think so like together.
00:02:09.580 | When they finally get married and get into marriage,
00:02:12.660 | and they find out they have differences,
00:02:13.980 | and they find out that both of them are sinners,
00:02:16.380 | all of a sudden, reality pops that myth of compatibility.
00:02:22.740 | Now, they say, "What is wrong?
00:02:25.380 | I thought we were so perfect for one another,
00:02:28.220 | and a computer put us together."
00:02:31.380 | What's going on?
00:02:33.700 | Reality, every marriage is dysfunctional.
00:02:40.380 | To voluntarily adopt a family systems therapy term, dysfunctional.
00:02:49.900 | Every marriage is dysfunctional because two rebellious,
00:02:55.740 | ungodly sinners who happen to be saved by grace are making a vow to each other.
00:03:02.420 | Two rebels are making a vow to each other,
00:03:07.140 | and that's going to be hard,
00:03:09.660 | and that's especially going to be hard in communication.
00:03:14.540 | Because you and your spouse are sinners,
00:03:17.340 | that's going to complicate the communication.
00:03:21.540 | Because you and your spouse are finite with sinful hearts, you're not infinite.
00:03:26.100 | You can't see what's coming around the next corner, only God can.
00:03:29.300 | You don't know what's going to happen in the next week.
00:03:31.540 | In a small home situation,
00:03:33.420 | you're eventually going to bump into each other,
00:03:35.900 | and that's going to cause problems.
00:03:39.220 | Because your heart has various cravings and desires that conflict,
00:03:44.940 | that's a problem.
00:03:47.500 | In fact, I do a whole series on biblical reconciliation.
00:03:51.460 | The world talks about peacemaking and conflict resolution.
00:03:55.580 | The Bible goes way beyond peacemaking and conflict resolution.
00:04:00.500 | It goes completely to full and complete reconciliation,
00:04:05.620 | sweet harmony within relationships better than ever before.
00:04:09.860 | That's way different than just peacemaking.
00:04:12.380 | It's way different than just finding some kind of conflict resolution.
00:04:21.860 | It goes way beyond that.
00:04:23.700 | Grab your Bible just for a moment.
00:04:25.260 | I want you to go over to James Chapter 1.
00:04:28.180 | Excuse me, James Chapter 4 and verse 1.
00:04:37.780 | James asks the question,
00:04:41.140 | "What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you?"
00:04:44.580 | That's a great question.
00:04:46.380 | "What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you?"
00:04:50.460 | Now, the typical everyday Christian in America today would
00:04:54.620 | probably answer that question by saying, "Well,
00:04:58.100 | I'm a sanguine and I'm married to a caloric,
00:05:02.860 | and men are from Mars and women are from Venus."
00:05:08.260 | Well, you know.
00:05:10.380 | That's the reason why there's so many conflicts.
00:05:14.660 | Well, the Bible has a word for that, baloney.
00:05:18.380 | That's not true. That's not what causes conflicts.
00:05:21.940 | It's not the differences in personality, not at all.
00:05:25.820 | Personality has nothing to do with conflict.
00:05:29.180 | There is no such thing as
00:05:32.060 | specific people having adversarial personalities.
00:05:36.700 | No such thing. Nowhere in the Bible does it ever say that.
00:05:39.340 | In fact, the Bible really defines all of us as having an adversarial personality.
00:05:45.100 | Every single one of us.
00:05:47.180 | It's not as if some people are worse at it than other people.
00:05:51.820 | We all have the problem.
00:05:54.020 | What is it that really causes fights and quarrels among you?
00:05:57.820 | Notice what he says.
00:05:59.100 | He says, "Is it not that your passions are at war within you?"
00:06:04.900 | The you there is plural,
00:06:06.780 | not just within you,
00:06:07.940 | but the passion in you singular is at war with
00:06:11.980 | the passions of other people in their heart and those passions conflict.
00:06:18.060 | See, I want something and my wife wants something different,
00:06:23.780 | and those collide.
00:06:26.020 | Those desires and those wants collide.
00:06:31.260 | They rise to idolatrous level loss in my heart.
00:06:38.460 | I'm willing to go to war for what I want,
00:06:43.640 | and that's when it's risen to an idolatrous level of lust in my life.
00:06:49.620 | What is it that causes fights and quarrels among us?
00:06:52.060 | Isn't it those desires that do battle that start in our heart?
00:06:58.540 | Verse 2 says, "You desire and you do not have, so you murder."
00:07:03.580 | Now, I don't think James was saying that the Christians
00:07:05.780 | were literally going around murdering each other.
00:07:08.820 | I don't think he's using murder in the same sense that Jesus used murder in
00:07:12.700 | Matthew chapter 5 where he says,
00:07:15.340 | "If you hate in your heart,
00:07:18.380 | the heart of a hater and the heart of a murderer is the same heart.
00:07:22.300 | It's just that one has acted it out and the other one hasn't."
00:07:25.180 | The heart of a hater, the heart of a murderer,
00:07:27.540 | same heart, it's just that one has acted it out and the other one hasn't.
00:07:31.580 | There's the problem.
00:07:33.940 | Well, you come to LA,
00:07:38.700 | you drive down the 405 in LA.
00:07:40.780 | If you've ever been there before,
00:07:41.820 | it's the busiest road in the entire United States.
00:07:46.940 | They call it a freeway,
00:07:48.940 | but it's not a freeway, it's a parking lot.
00:07:51.340 | It's just endless cars forever and ever,
00:07:54.700 | and they sell there in LA these little things in these auto shops.
00:07:58.900 | You can buy them, you can mount them on your dashboard for heavy traffic.
00:08:03.180 | You get in heavy traffic,
00:08:04.740 | you're stopped there and you mount this thing on your dashboard,
00:08:07.860 | and it has little buttons on it,
00:08:09.660 | and one button says missile,
00:08:11.740 | the other one says machine gun,
00:08:13.380 | the other one says grenade launcher.
00:08:17.580 | You can sit there in traffic and blow up the cars in front of you figuratively.
00:08:25.660 | It's supposed to make the driver feel better in doing that.
00:08:34.300 | This is ritualistic murder is what it is.
00:08:39.940 | This is what the heart of a hater and the heart of a murderer is the same heart.
00:08:47.180 | It's just that one has acted it out and the other one hasn't.
00:08:49.740 | You're in my way,
00:08:50.980 | so I want to remove you out of my way even if it means blowing you up.
00:08:56.460 | I'm going to move you out of my way.
00:08:59.700 | This is the problem,
00:09:01.740 | and this is what happens in a Christian home,
00:09:06.620 | where these desires and passions rise to idolatrous level.
00:09:11.820 | I mean, I'll have guys,
00:09:13.060 | they'll say to me, "Listen,
00:09:14.500 | all I want is for my wife to respect me.
00:09:18.380 | Is that so bad?"
00:09:19.660 | No, on one level, it's not bad at all.
00:09:22.020 | Can it become bad?
00:09:23.540 | Yes, absolutely, it could become bad.
00:09:25.580 | Why? Because that desire that starts off very legitimately,
00:09:29.900 | now I just want my wife to respect me,
00:09:32.540 | now has become an idolatrous desire in his heart,
00:09:36.260 | so that when he doesn't receive the respect that he really deserves,
00:09:40.060 | this is more important than being God's kind of man and God's kind of husband.
00:09:44.140 | I want her to respect me.
00:09:46.100 | That's the more important thing.
00:09:47.820 | That's the thing I bow down to every day as an idol in my heart.
00:09:51.740 | When I don't receive it, then I become hateful,
00:09:53.980 | angry, disrespectful, or I withdraw and become sullen,
00:10:00.060 | and depressed, and moody.
00:10:02.460 | All of those are sinful responses because that desire to have her respect me,
00:10:08.780 | has risen to an idolatrous desire in my heart.
00:10:12.540 | Now, I act out,
00:10:14.580 | and now I am going to make her life miserable,
00:10:18.900 | because I'm not getting what I want.
00:10:21.340 | My desires are ruling me.
00:10:23.300 | Or I've had so many women say to me,
00:10:26.180 | "Listen, Dr. Street, all I want is for my husband to love me.
00:10:29.860 | Is that wrong?"
00:10:30.940 | No, it's not wrong.
00:10:33.060 | Can it become wrong?
00:10:35.460 | Yes, it can become an idolatrous desire in your life.
00:10:38.180 | It starts off as a very legitimate desire,
00:10:40.460 | but it soon becomes idolatrous.
00:10:42.340 | It becomes more important than being God's kind of woman,
00:10:44.540 | and God's kind of wife in her life.
00:10:46.900 | That idolatrous desire rules her,
00:10:49.540 | so much so that it's the first thing she thinks about when she gets up in the morning.
00:10:53.340 | It's the last thing she thinks about before she goes to bed at night.
00:10:56.120 | "My husband doesn't love me.
00:10:57.820 | She doesn't love me.
00:10:58.780 | He doesn't love me. He doesn't love me."
00:11:00.580 | And as a result of that, then she becomes hateful, angry, mean.
00:11:08.340 | She becomes caustic in her words.
00:11:11.500 | Or she withdraws, becomes sullen, depressed,
00:11:17.220 | because she's not receiving the love that she thinks that she deserves in that marriage.
00:11:21.980 | That's when that desire has become.
00:11:24.260 | It starts off as a very legitimate desire,
00:11:27.420 | and then it becomes a ruling, dominating desire in her life.
00:11:31.520 | It becomes more important in her life than being God's kind of woman.
00:11:36.660 | And it rules her.
00:11:38.360 | It dominates her thinking.
00:11:42.140 | This is what James is talking about.
00:11:44.460 | What is it that causes fights and quarrels among you?
00:11:47.340 | Isn't it these passions that do battle deep inside?
00:11:52.900 | Things that I want that may actually start off as very legitimate desires,
00:11:57.860 | but then they become ungodly desires?
00:12:01.140 | I've seen parents, Christian parents, do that.
00:12:03.540 | "Oh, I so want my children to come to Christ."
00:12:07.540 | Is that a good desire?
00:12:09.020 | Absolutely.
00:12:10.020 | Can it become an idolatrous, ungodly, sinful desire?
00:12:13.540 | Absolutely.
00:12:14.540 | When it becomes more important than being God's kind of mom or dad.
00:12:19.100 | And when I don't see my kids kneeling their knee to Christ,
00:12:24.860 | when I don't see them surrendering their life to Jesus as Lord and Savior,
00:12:29.420 | then I become angry, hateful, mean, vindictive,
00:12:33.700 | or I withdraw and become depressed and sullen,
00:12:37.140 | and I refuse to communicate any longer.
00:12:40.420 | Then I know that that desire that starts off as a very legitimate desire
00:12:44.700 | now has risen to an idolatrous desire.
00:12:47.740 | It's something that I bow down to every day as my idol,
00:12:52.140 | and I refuse to be a godly mother or a godly father if I don't get what I want.
00:13:00.300 | Wow.
00:13:01.660 | Wow.
00:13:02.780 | What is it that causes fights and quarrels among you?
00:13:06.100 | Isn't it these desires and passions that do battle inside
00:13:11.260 | that wreck your life and wreck your relationships?
00:13:15.460 | You're willing to go to war for those things?
00:13:19.260 | Oh, God never intended the Christian home to be that way, never.
00:13:26.180 | But sin has turned it into that.
00:13:30.180 | Communication in the home is critical here.
00:13:32.620 | Good marriages and loving relationships can be built by couples
00:13:35.980 | who are committed to being God's kind of husband and wife.
00:13:39.540 | So if you take to heart biblical principles, communication,
00:13:43.020 | your marriage can begin improving today, but you've got to be sincere
00:13:48.100 | in your desire to do things God's way.
00:13:50.260 | That means He defines what is best for your marriage, not you.
00:13:55.500 | Take your Bible.
00:13:56.500 | Let's go over to Ephesians chapter 4.
00:14:01.420 | Ephesians chapter 4, and we're especially going to be interested in verses 25-34.
00:14:07.060 | We have four rules of communication we want to highlight for you.
00:14:12.260 | And oftentimes, when I'm using these in counseling, I'll say to the husbands,
00:14:17.700 | "Guys, I want you to take copious notes about what we're going to learn here
00:14:22.460 | because you're going to go home and you're going to teach everybody in the family
00:14:25.700 | these four rules of communication.
00:14:27.540 | So you've got to be able to know them well enough to be able to teach them."
00:14:32.220 | And I'll tell the gals, "Listen, I want you to listen to these.
00:14:36.140 | Write down the four rules of communication, and I want you to figure out a way
00:14:39.620 | to display these four rules of communication in your home."
00:14:43.020 | Some women are incredibly creative doing this, all right?
00:14:47.260 | They'll cross-stitch the four rules of communication and put them in nice frames,
00:14:53.140 | and others will run them off on a computer and tape them all over the place.
00:14:58.420 | But the key is these four rules of communication are really key to communicating
00:15:04.460 | in a godly way within your home from Ephesians chapter 4, verses 25 through 32.
00:15:10.580 | Now, before we get there, let me take a look real quickly at the preceding context
00:15:17.740 | because we know that a text without a context is a pretext for a proof text, right?
00:15:22.020 | The preceding context of Ephesians 4 says this in verse 22, "To put off the old self,
00:15:29.300 | which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires,
00:15:34.420 | and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self created
00:15:38.620 | after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness."
00:15:42.700 | In other words, here, before he talks about these four rules of communication,
00:15:49.060 | before he talks about how we should communicate in the Christian life,
00:15:55.380 | he says real change in the Christian life is always two-factored.
00:16:01.740 | It has to do with putting off bad things, putting on good things, and then to be renewed,
00:16:12.580 | this is what we call a present passive, that's what God does.
00:16:15.740 | God gives us a renewed mind, verse 23, a renewed attitude towards these things,
00:16:22.100 | but we have to put off the old self, the old sinful practices of communication,
00:16:28.780 | and put on the new godly practices of communication.
00:16:33.260 | This is a very deliberate effort you have to make.
00:16:37.060 | This is not going to happen automatically.
00:16:39.900 | And you may think you're already doing this, and in some cases you may be,
00:16:44.020 | but in most cases you're probably not.
00:16:48.500 | So it's going to take deliberate willful action on your part to change.
00:16:56.780 | I like to teach this in counseling by saying, you remember that old joke kids used to say,
00:17:01.940 | "When is a door no longer a door?"
00:17:05.100 | When it's a jar, all right?
00:17:07.060 | Well, you use that as a paradigm.
00:17:09.500 | When is a liar no longer a liar?
00:17:14.380 | Or when is a thief no longer a thief?
00:17:18.740 | Or when is a sexually immoral person no longer a sexually immoral person?
00:17:24.500 | Most people in the world says, "Well, a liar is no longer a liar when he stops lying."
00:17:28.260 | Or a thief is no longer a thief when he stops stealing.
00:17:31.940 | No, that's not true, that's just a thief between jobs, all right?
00:17:37.780 | No.
00:17:38.860 | Or a sexually immoral person is no longer sexually immoral when he stops being sexually
00:17:42.980 | immoral.
00:17:43.980 | No, that's not true either.
00:17:47.780 | When is a liar no longer a liar?
00:17:49.980 | When he begins to habitually tell the truth.
00:17:55.380 | When is a thief no longer a thief?
00:17:57.180 | Well, look at verse 28.
00:17:59.060 | He answers this question, "Let the thief no longer steal, but rather let him labor doing
00:18:05.100 | honest work with his own hands so that he may have something to share with anyone who
00:18:09.260 | has need."
00:18:10.340 | So a thief is still a thief until he's working enough to supply for himself and he has enough
00:18:15.820 | left over to give away to people who have need.
00:18:19.060 | That's when a thief has stopped being a thief.
00:18:21.580 | Just because a person's not stealing doesn't mean that they're not a thief.
00:18:25.120 | Just because a person's not telling a lie at that point doesn't mean that they're not
00:18:29.260 | a liar.
00:18:30.420 | When that liar begins to habitually put on the truth, when the thief begins to habitually
00:18:35.580 | work hard to supply for himself as well as for other people, then he has stopped being
00:18:41.700 | a thief.
00:18:43.500 | So permanent change in the Christian life is not getting rid of sin, it is getting rid
00:18:49.500 | of sin and replacing it consciously, actively with practiced righteousness.
00:18:57.540 | So if you're going to practice new rules of communication in your home, you have to practice
00:19:05.700 | righteousness.
00:19:07.900 | You have to deliberately, willfully do it.
00:19:10.860 | Stop the sinful, ungodly things you're doing and saying and replace it with godly things.
00:19:17.500 | Sometimes it's like riding a bike for the first time.
00:19:19.660 | You probably remember when you first learned how to ride a bike and you were shaky and
00:19:23.940 | you fell off, but then eventually as you practice new habits in your life, then they become
00:19:33.140 | more natural as time goes on.
00:19:35.220 | It's going to seem awkward.
00:19:37.720 | It's going to seem really awkward at first, but it doesn't have to be, because in the
00:19:43.780 | long run there's going to be sweetness down the line.
00:19:47.460 | When you practice God's rules of communication, there is always going to be sweetness there.
00:19:55.140 | So let's look at this, Ephesians 4 verse 25.
00:19:59.820 | This is rule number one, "Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak
00:20:05.860 | the truth with his neighbor, for we are members of one another."
00:20:10.660 | Now let's look at this very carefully.
00:20:12.780 | Rule number one is this, "Be honest."
00:20:17.340 | That's rule number one, be honest.
00:20:20.900 | Now let me explain to you what I mean by that, and you've got to look at this verse carefully
00:20:25.260 | to understand this.
00:20:27.420 | He says, "You've got to speak."
00:20:31.420 | That's an important word because it means you speak up.
00:20:36.000 | You must speak up with the truth.
00:20:39.140 | Why?
00:20:40.260 | People cannot read your mind.
00:20:44.140 | So that tells me that clamming up is out for the Christian.
00:20:49.620 | But that's the first thing that we do when we get into an argument, we'll clam up.
00:20:53.940 | "Okay, I'm not going to give her the privilege of my keen insight."
00:21:00.140 | We just clam up.
00:21:01.140 | We don't say anything anymore.
00:21:04.800 | That's not an option.
00:21:06.380 | For Christians in communication, there's no option to clam up, no option to give them
00:21:12.500 | the silent treatment.
00:21:15.100 | That's not our purpose.
00:21:16.600 | We have to speak, verse 25 says.
00:21:20.020 | "Having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak," he says.
00:21:24.940 | And then he says, "We've got to speak the truth."
00:21:29.180 | We have to speak the truth.
00:21:30.840 | This is really key.
00:21:32.500 | Speaking the truth here is a verb that involves continuous action.
00:21:35.940 | It's in the present tense, so it's something that should be regularly going on all of the
00:21:41.260 | time.
00:21:42.260 | We must continually speak the truth, not any falsehood at all.
00:21:47.700 | It's to be the new lifestyle in your marriage.
00:21:50.820 | David said you must speak the truth from a heart of integrity, Psalm 15.2, not deceptively
00:21:55.700 | or with disguised, hidden, or double meanings.
00:21:59.660 | We have to speak the truth.
00:22:02.780 | This is really important.
00:22:04.660 | Now why is this so important?
00:22:06.980 | Because we have so many deceitful ways to get around the truth.
00:22:12.900 | The human heart is almost limitless in its ability to be able to conjure up ways of getting
00:22:21.460 | around the truth.
00:22:24.420 | You ever watch court sessions on TV, and the way that people try to get around when they're
00:22:30.140 | confronted with the truth, oh, they're elaborate.
00:22:35.300 | They think up all kinds of elaborate schemes and all kinds of elaborate exceptions, and
00:22:39.980 | your heart is no different.
00:22:43.260 | We as Christians have got to be different.
00:22:45.580 | We've got to be different from everybody in the world.
00:22:48.040 | In our homes, we've got to be different.
00:22:50.020 | We have to speak the truth.
00:22:51.420 | Let me give you some examples of the way that you may be dishonest in your speech.
00:22:57.060 | There's outright dishonesty, which is a deliberate lie, falsification, or denial of truth.
00:23:01.940 | That's obviously, then you're in sin, and you're not being truthful in what you're saying.
00:23:09.100 | When that's the case, God understands that.
00:23:11.260 | He sees it.
00:23:12.420 | Even though your husband or your wife may not know that you're being deceitful, God
00:23:17.420 | knows.
00:23:18.420 | He always knows every time that you do that.
00:23:21.660 | But there's even more sophisticated ways.
00:23:23.880 | For example, there's incongruities, where your speech is inconsistent with your halo
00:23:27.860 | data or your nonverbal communication.
00:23:30.100 | Now, what do I mean by that?
00:23:32.460 | Well, sometimes we can say such nice things in such wicked ways, right?
00:23:41.960 | It's like the husband who says to his wife, "Oh, I love you."
00:23:47.720 | Now if you send her a text message of the exact words he said, she'd probably look at
00:23:52.480 | it and say, "Oh, isn't that sweet?
00:23:53.480 | He said he loves me."
00:23:54.480 | But that's not the message that he really got.
00:23:57.640 | He was acting disgusted.
00:23:59.340 | All of his halo data, his nonverbal communication says the opposite.
00:24:04.440 | In fact, communicologists tell us that 93% of all of our meaning come from the nonverbals,
00:24:11.040 | not from the word sources we use.
00:24:13.880 | That means our eyes, our facial expressions, the tone of our voice, the way we are looking
00:24:20.240 | at someone communicates more meaning than what we're really saying.
00:24:26.960 | "I love you."
00:24:29.040 | All right, really?
00:24:31.120 | Really?
00:24:32.120 | No, he doesn't.
00:24:33.800 | He's being disgusted by it.
00:24:36.760 | This is what the sinful human heart does, where your speech is inconsistent with your
00:24:44.080 | halo data.
00:24:46.160 | Everything in your nonverbal says just the opposite.
00:24:50.580 | That's not the way it should be.
00:24:52.400 | What about this?
00:24:53.760 | There's disguised communication like innuendos, insinuations, or implied accusations.
00:25:02.160 | That's disguised.
00:25:03.240 | We imply certain things, but we always leave a back door that we can slip out of in case
00:25:09.320 | somebody really confronts us.
00:25:11.040 | So we imply somebody has done something wrong.
00:25:14.460 | Our husband has done something wrong, or our wife has done something wrong.
00:25:18.280 | And then when they confront us with it, they say, "Oh, is that the way that you took it?
00:25:23.800 | Oh, no.
00:25:24.880 | Are you kidding me?
00:25:26.400 | No, no, no.
00:25:27.880 | Yeah, but that's exactly what you meant.
00:25:31.900 | That's that incoherent.
00:25:32.900 | You insinuated this was true, and you said it specifically that way to insinuate it to
00:25:40.560 | get the message across, and now you deny ever having said it that way.
00:25:46.840 | That's the way.
00:25:47.840 | That's falsification.
00:25:48.960 | That's just as bad as lying when you use innuendos, insinuation, or implied accusations.
00:25:56.460 | So we're seeing here that honesty is more than just not lying.
00:26:02.800 | It's being open and honest with the truth.
00:26:06.240 | If you're really going to be honest, you've got to be open and honest with the truth.
00:26:10.880 | That's really key.
00:26:13.420 | It's an attitude of the heart that you've got to have, being honest.
00:26:18.320 | Colossians 3.9 says, "Do not lie to one another since you laid aside the old self with its
00:26:22.640 | evil practices."
00:26:23.640 | Well, now, I've had some guys say to me in counseling, "Well, you know what, Dr. Street?
00:26:31.520 | I was honest with her.
00:26:33.040 | I gave her a piece of my mind."
00:26:35.320 | He didn't realize how small I viewed his mind to be, and it felt like saying, "Don't give
00:26:40.120 | her any more pieces.
00:26:41.120 | You won't have anything left."
00:26:46.960 | And so we know that he spoke, and he spoke the truth, but earlier in this chapter, Paul
00:26:54.160 | has already said that we're supposed to speak the truth in love.
00:26:59.560 | In love in verse 15.
00:27:02.560 | What do we mean by that?
00:27:03.840 | Well, some people sometimes can be brutal with the truth.
00:27:08.000 | Sure they spoke the truth, but they beat the other person into the ground with the truth.
00:27:13.600 | You can do that with your wife.
00:27:14.800 | You can do that with your husband.
00:27:16.480 | You can tell the truth, but you beat them into the ground with the truth.
00:27:21.560 | That's not loving at all.
00:27:23.320 | We're supposed to speak the truth in love.
00:27:26.660 | If you speak the truth in spite and anger, then you're not being loving.
00:27:32.000 | If you speak without forethought concerning the person that you're speaking to or about,
00:27:37.440 | that's not godly either.
00:27:39.520 | Christians are to speak the truth of the other person's best interest in mind.
00:27:44.080 | In other words, what is my wife's best interest?
00:27:47.640 | How can I speak the truth with her best interest in mind?
00:27:50.480 | What is my husband's best interest?
00:27:52.940 | How can I speak the truth with his best interest in mind?
00:27:56.280 | It's not about me getting this off my chest, it is about them.
00:28:02.120 | It's about how I can speak this for their benefit.
00:28:05.640 | Now, that doesn't mean they're automatically going to receive it, but I've got to do my
00:28:09.560 | best to say it in as loving way as I can.
00:28:14.120 | This is key.
00:28:15.520 | I love Colossians 4:6, "Let your speech," it says here, "always be with grace, seasoned
00:28:21.400 | as it were with salt, so that you may know how you should respond to each other."
00:28:26.400 | Why is that so key?
00:28:27.520 | He compares gracious speech to salt.
00:28:32.880 | Now, why is there a comparison between gracious speech and salt?
00:28:36.800 | Well, back in ancient times, they knew that salt preserves food, but they also knew something
00:28:41.760 | that we know in our day and age, that salty foods create what?
00:28:46.880 | Thirst, right?
00:28:48.840 | Yeah, gracious words do the same thing.
00:28:52.340 | Gracious words create thirst.
00:28:56.280 | When you say things graciously, people will want to hear more.
00:29:03.880 | That's the key.
00:29:04.880 | You heard what the young farmer said to the old farmer, "Well, you know, you can lead
00:29:11.040 | a horse to water, but you can't make him drink."
00:29:14.120 | And the old farmer said, "Well, that's true, but you can sure salt his oats.
00:29:23.500 | You can make him want to drink."
00:29:26.160 | Well, that's what you do when you use gracious speech.
00:29:31.880 | You salt your words with gracious speech that even though your spouse disagrees with you,
00:29:40.760 | they want to hear more, all right?
00:29:44.680 | You said it so lovingly that they say, "Oh, you know, I don't agree with that, but I want
00:29:53.800 | to hear more.
00:29:56.760 | I want to hear more, bring it on, come on.
00:30:02.040 | You said it so nice, you were so sweet, and the way that you said that, I don't agree,
00:30:09.280 | but it was so good," when the opposite's the case, right?
00:30:14.360 | We say it, we speak the truth, but we speak the truth in anger.
00:30:18.440 | We speak the truth in bitterness.
00:30:20.440 | We speak the truth because we want them to hurt the way we think we have been hurt, and
00:30:25.840 | that just destroys everything in a Christian home.
00:30:28.120 | Then we act no different than people in the world.
00:30:31.520 | We're supposed to speak the truth, but we're supposed to speak the truth in love.
00:30:35.360 | That's really key.
00:30:36.360 | The first rule of communication is be honest.
00:30:40.520 | Be honest.
00:30:42.200 | That's really key.
00:30:43.880 | There's a second rule.
00:30:45.360 | Look at verse 26 and 27, "Be angry and do not sin.
00:30:52.280 | Do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil."
00:30:58.720 | So rule number one, be honest.
00:31:00.200 | Rule number two, keep current.
00:31:03.560 | Keep current.
00:31:04.840 | This is really important.
00:31:06.040 | Why?
00:31:07.040 | Well, sometimes it's possible to be righteously angry.
00:31:12.680 | God gets angry.
00:31:13.880 | The psalmist says God is angry every day.
00:31:17.120 | Jesus became angry.
00:31:19.320 | Not all anger is sin.
00:31:20.480 | He overturned the tables and the money changers in the temple.
00:31:24.040 | Jesus became angry.
00:31:25.080 | That was righteous anger.
00:31:27.880 | But you can be righteously angry, and I know you think all of your anger is righteous when
00:31:32.920 | probably only 1.0000001% of it is, but I know you think all the rest of it is righteous.
00:31:45.480 | We're not like Jesus.
00:31:46.480 | We're not perfect in our anger.
00:31:48.120 | And so as a result of that, even our righteous anger can become quickly sinful anger if we
00:31:55.400 | let the sun go down on our anger.
00:31:59.600 | Let the sun go down on our anger.
00:32:01.080 | I'll never forget working with a couple one day, and we were talking about this, and the
00:32:05.600 | husband just kind of looked at me and says, "Well, then we're going to move to Alaska."
00:32:10.080 | Went right over my head.
00:32:14.840 | Alaska?
00:32:16.320 | She caught on before I did.
00:32:17.800 | "Well, you know how the sun in the summer shines 23 out of 24 hours, and he wants to
00:32:24.080 | hold on to his anger against me?"
00:32:26.520 | Now I gave him points for creativity.
00:32:29.800 | But I said, "That's not what this means.
00:32:32.200 | It means deal with your anger ASAP."
00:32:35.560 | This is a Semitic colloquialism, which means deal with your anger as soon as possible.
00:32:44.000 | Don't let a day go by without dealing with that day's anger is the idea.
00:32:49.880 | All anger is not sin, self-centered anger is sin, and it's always sin.
00:32:57.280 | And a failure to deal with that day's anger that day means at least four things.
00:33:03.440 | Number one, it means you're guilty of sin.
00:33:05.160 | That's pretty obvious.
00:33:06.160 | And remember, one of the reasons we're here at this marriage retreat is to learn how to
00:33:12.200 | turn all of our negative emotions and hate upon those sins.
00:33:16.720 | That's why we're here.
00:33:17.720 | So we're guilty of sin if we're holding on to something and we're not dealing with it
00:33:21.960 | every day.
00:33:23.080 | Secondly, you open the way to resentment and bitterness, because now you begin to view
00:33:29.480 | your spouse through colored glasses.
00:33:33.240 | It's colored by the anger and the resentment that you have towards them that has not been
00:33:40.080 | dealt with.
00:33:41.080 | And so now everything in their life, by looking through those glasses, everything in their
00:33:46.760 | life looks distorted and wrong to you.
00:33:50.560 | And you're picking out little things now, because this is unresolved in your own heart
00:33:55.240 | and you're looking at them through colored glasses.
00:33:58.580 | In addition to that, you distort subsequent problems.
00:34:02.880 | This is what I call spiritual gunny-sacking.
00:34:05.400 | You know what gunny-sacks are?
00:34:08.040 | It's an old hunting term.
00:34:09.920 | They used to have big burlap bags when they'd go hunting, and they'd shoot a bird or a rabbit
00:34:15.040 | for food, and they'd throw it in the burlap bag, and they'd go hunting the rest of the
00:34:19.240 | day and shoot a few more and throw it in the bag.
00:34:21.000 | At the end of the day, they'd empty their bag out, they'd process all of that and cut
00:34:25.040 | it into meat and cook it or salt it or whatever the case may be back in old times.
00:34:29.840 | That's exactly what people do with wrongs and offenses that have been done against them.
00:34:34.000 | They gunny-sack them.
00:34:35.160 | You can't see it, but they're there.
00:34:36.480 | All right, here's an offense my husband did against me, and I threw it in a gunny-sack.
00:34:40.480 | There's another offense, and I throw that in a gunny-sack.
00:34:42.280 | I don't deal with it.
00:34:43.280 | Another one, I throw that in a gunny-sack, another one.
00:34:45.400 | This gunny-sack's getting bigger and bigger and bigger, and we carry it around all the
00:34:49.400 | time on our back.
00:34:50.880 | And then our husband finally does something relatively small, not a big thing, but you
00:34:56.560 | don't like it.
00:34:58.160 | And you choose that particular time to empty your gunny-sack.
00:35:02.020 | And so you pull your gunny-sack out, and you empty all of it out, and they're going, "Whoa,
00:35:06.640 | whoa, what is the problem?
00:35:08.720 | What is going on?"
00:35:09.760 | And you say, "It's not what you've done.
00:35:11.840 | It's who you are that's the problem."
00:35:15.280 | And he's going, "Whoa."
00:35:17.320 | And now you don't remember any of the specifics of all those things that have gone wrong anymore
00:35:22.080 | because they happened so far in the past.
00:35:24.000 | All you know is that you have good reason to be angry.
00:35:26.960 | That's all you know.
00:35:29.560 | And now you can't solve anything.
00:35:31.520 | Now it's even worse than ever before.
00:35:35.180 | God never intended us to live that way.
00:35:38.880 | We distort.
00:35:39.880 | We're guilty of spiritual gunny-sacking.
00:35:44.120 | Don't let the sun go down on your anger.
00:35:48.600 | You have to keep current.
00:35:51.400 | It will affect you in so many negative ways.
00:35:54.440 | The fourth thing here is that it will endanger your physical relationship.
00:35:58.680 | Do you know why?
00:36:01.320 | Because nobody wants to go to bed and have sex with their problem.
00:36:06.160 | Nobody wants to do that.
00:36:08.200 | And you have become my problem, all right?
00:36:13.080 | That's because we have held all of this anger and bitterness for such a long period of time.
00:36:19.080 | We've not resolved it.
00:36:21.000 | That person is a problem with two legs.
00:36:25.520 | They're just one big problem.
00:36:30.080 | And it's our fault because we're not dealing with these problems.
00:36:35.280 | We're choosing to ignore them.
00:36:36.840 | We're sweeping them under the rug.
00:36:40.160 | No, God says that should never be the case.
00:36:46.000 | Number one, be honest.
00:36:48.280 | Number two, keep current.
00:36:51.180 | Number three, I want you to pick up in verse 29, "Let no corrupting talk come out of your
00:36:58.960 | mouths but only such as is good for building up as it fits the occasion that it may give
00:37:06.680 | grace to those who hear and do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God by whom you were sealed
00:37:12.440 | for the day of redemption."
00:37:14.280 | So be honest, keep current.
00:37:17.080 | Number three, attack the problem, not the person.
00:37:22.640 | Attack the problem, not the person.
00:37:26.640 | This is really important.
00:37:28.540 | Now take a look at this real carefully.
00:37:30.760 | When he says he refers to corrupt talk, it's really interesting.
00:37:37.760 | We have a very narrow view of corrupt talk.
00:37:42.100 | We think cursing, taking God's name in vain, swearing is corrupt talk, and it is, but it's
00:37:50.360 | a very, very narrow view.
00:37:52.560 | It's just a very narrow view.
00:37:54.600 | It's not very big at all.
00:37:57.360 | God's view of corrupt talk is huge.
00:38:02.880 | There's all kinds of corrupt talk that we do that goes way beyond swearing, cursing,
00:38:09.440 | or taking God's name in vain.
00:38:12.400 | Incidentally, that Greek word for corrupt is the word that means rotten.
00:38:17.080 | It was something in the first century Greek that they used to describe rotten fish.
00:38:21.880 | Something stinks more than rotten fish, but that's corrupt talk, and we have a tendency
00:38:28.080 | to think that only a small few things are really corrupt.
00:38:34.840 | What are these unwholesome, corrupt words?
00:38:37.640 | Well, they zero in on the person and their character.
00:38:41.560 | It's those kind of words.
00:38:43.460 | They tear down and demolish the other person.
00:38:48.100 | It's words like you always, you never, you turkey, you idiot, you dummy, you stupid,
00:38:54.200 | you dumbbell.
00:38:55.200 | We never let our kids use any of those terms and more, even though they're not technically
00:39:00.640 | swear words, they're not curse words, they're not taking God's name in vain, but what are
00:39:04.800 | they doing?
00:39:05.800 | They're attacking their brother or sister's character.
00:39:09.920 | That's what they're doing.
00:39:10.920 | When you use words like that, you're tearing people down.
00:39:16.080 | You're tearing your spouse down.
00:39:17.860 | You're not building them up at all.
00:39:21.200 | That's not what we should be doing.
00:39:24.000 | We tend to label only curse words as unwholesome words, and that's a very narrow definition.
00:39:31.840 | God's definition is much broader than that.
00:39:36.660 | Those are the kind of things we have to get rid of.
00:39:39.840 | Those are the kind of things that we have to stop doing in our communication.
00:39:47.000 | Anything that zeros in on their person and zeros in on their character, I've got to stop
00:39:53.840 | talking.
00:39:55.240 | For some of us, we don't know how to talk except that way.
00:40:01.640 | For a while, we're going to be ... because I have to learn new ways to say things because
00:40:09.960 | almost every time I speak, I'm attacking somebody's character.
00:40:15.560 | Sometimes I think some people in counseling are going to explode.
00:40:19.720 | It's kind of building up.
00:40:20.720 | All right.
00:40:21.720 | End of thing.
00:40:22.720 | No, no.
00:40:23.720 | You've got to channel all that energy towards learning new ways to respond.
00:40:28.200 | What kind of words?
00:40:29.200 | He says here in this verse in verse 29 exactly what kind of words they need to be.
00:40:33.860 | These need to be edifying words.
00:40:35.960 | They are the type of words that build the other person up, that build the other person
00:40:42.040 | up.
00:40:43.240 | These are words that focus on the problem, not the person.
00:40:47.140 | They're selected in order to make it easy for two people to find a solution.
00:40:51.280 | They're solution-oriented words full of graciousness.
00:40:56.440 | That's what we're talking about.
00:40:58.560 | Like for instance, they always have a partner's welfare first and foremost in mind.
00:41:07.480 | So when you're thinking about your partner rather than thinking about you and their welfare
00:41:13.520 | first before your wants and your welfare, then it's going to be easier.
00:41:20.760 | For example, I disagree with what you've done, but I'm open to hear your side of the story.
00:41:29.600 | Now that's a creative way.
00:41:31.920 | That is a good way.
00:41:33.160 | I disagree.
00:41:35.840 | Now if you were to say that in your marriage, your spouse is liable to have a heart attack,
00:41:41.200 | who are you and what did you do with my husband or wife?
00:41:46.040 | But I'm interested in hearing your side of the story or words like this, "I want to find
00:41:50.540 | a solution to our problem that will be best for you and our home."
00:41:56.240 | Those are edifying words.
00:41:58.040 | They're intended to build up.
00:42:00.200 | They're not intended to tear another person down.
00:42:05.600 | I want to work through this with you so that Jesus Christ is honored in our marriage.
00:42:13.640 | I want to work with you so that Jesus Christ is honored in everything that we do.
00:42:21.480 | Can you imagine that in the midst?
00:42:24.640 | Think about your most heated conflict.
00:42:26.720 | Think about that for a moment.
00:42:28.820 | In saying these things in the midst of that, "You know, I don't fully agree with you, but
00:42:34.880 | I love you and I want to do our best to work on this for God's honor and glory.
00:42:40.240 | I want to do that with you."
00:42:42.240 | Oh my goodness, you're going to make it really hard for your spouse to hate you.
00:42:47.400 | You're going to make it really hard, and that's okay because that's the kind of words.
00:42:55.440 | Be honest, keep current, attack the problem, not the person.
00:43:02.360 | Attack the problem, not the person.
00:43:05.400 | Number four, the last one, I want you to look at this in verses 31 and 32.
00:43:12.840 | Verse 31 says, "Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away
00:43:17.600 | from you, along with all malice, be kind to one another and tenderhearted, forgiving one
00:43:23.400 | another as God in Christ forgave you."
00:43:29.120 | Be honest, keep current, attack the problem, not the person, and then fourth, act, don't
00:43:36.120 | react.
00:43:37.120 | Act, don't react.
00:43:40.280 | All the reactions are in verse 31.
00:43:44.280 | What are they?
00:43:46.100 | Reactions to problems are bitterness, are perpetual animosity that leads to harsh and
00:43:50.560 | unloving opinions about other people.
00:43:52.960 | Wrath, which the term there is outbursts of passionate rage, anger, which has to do with
00:43:59.360 | a subtle, deep-flowing anger, clamor, which is outcry and shouting, slander, speaking
00:44:06.520 | evil in other person that comes from some kind of settled indignation.
00:44:10.320 | You may say, "Okay, well, I understand that, but you know I'm not really bitter or wrathful
00:44:14.960 | or angry or clamorous or slanderous.
00:44:17.880 | That's just not me."
00:44:19.440 | Well, Paul understands what you're thinking at this point, and then he grabs a term, which
00:44:24.160 | is a big blanket that throws over a lot of things, along, he says in verse 31, "With
00:44:31.480 | all malice."
00:44:33.800 | What is malice?
00:44:35.560 | Malice is a general wishing of ill will towards someone else, a general wishing of ill will
00:44:43.400 | towards someone else.
00:44:44.800 | I've got to get rid of that as quickly as possible, a general wishing of ill will towards
00:44:51.560 | other people.
00:44:53.880 | That is maliceness that is in the heart.
00:44:59.280 | You know, it's like early in the morning, husband and wife get up for breakfast, and
00:45:04.080 | they have an argument, and they get into a conflict, and he runs out the door, slams
00:45:13.280 | the door, jumps in the car, spins out of the driveway, throwing real estate all over the
00:45:19.240 | place, goes screaming down the road, drives into traffic, goes weaving in and out of traffic,
00:45:25.400 | and all along he's thinking to himself, "I hope the children make her life miserable
00:45:31.560 | today."
00:45:33.200 | That's malice.
00:45:34.960 | She's standing there doing the breakfast dishes, and she's thinking to herself, "I hope he
00:45:40.080 | has a horrible day at work."
00:45:43.440 | That's malice, a general wishing of ill will towards anyone else.
00:45:50.680 | That should never be a part of the Christian home or Christians in a marital relationship
00:45:59.040 | that's supposed to be a Christlike and loving relationship.
00:46:02.920 | All of those things have to be put off, but it's not enough to just merely put off those
00:46:08.440 | things, in addition, they have to put on three key things.
00:46:13.080 | Notice these things in verse 32.
00:46:15.160 | Number one, you've got to be kind.
00:46:17.200 | What's the most kind thing you can say or think or do for that person in the midst of
00:46:23.800 | that conflict?
00:46:25.160 | That means being useful, worthy, good, benevolent towards your spouse.
00:46:29.000 | What's the kindest thing I can say or think or do for them?
00:46:34.000 | Or tenderhearted.
00:46:35.000 | Literally, it means having healthy bowels.
00:46:37.540 | That has to do with emotions in the Bible.
00:46:40.340 | They're the seat of emotions and attention, therefore, it means being compassionate.
00:46:44.680 | What's the most compassionate thing I can say or think or do in the midst of this conflict?
00:46:51.880 | What's the most compassionate thing?
00:46:53.800 | And then last of all, forgiving.
00:46:55.960 | That is to exercise grace and releasing the offense of your spouse.
00:46:59.520 | This includes the willingness from the heart, Mark 11:25, the verbal granting of forgiveness
00:47:04.440 | when repentance has taken place, which is often we refer to as transactional forgiveness
00:47:09.360 | in Luke 17, verses 3 and 4.
00:47:12.240 | There has to be that.
00:47:13.560 | What's the most forgiving thing I can say or think or do for my spouse?
00:47:20.360 | When that becomes automatic in your relationships, then you know that you've changed.
00:47:27.200 | When you've created brand new habit of righteousness, when you've created that, then you know that
00:47:34.280 | you've changed.
00:47:35.280 | What is a habit?
00:47:36.280 | There's three characteristics of a habit.
00:47:38.480 | It's comfortable, it's automatic, and it's unconscious.
00:47:42.360 | It's comfortable, it's automatic, and it's unconscious.
00:47:45.700 | So you have sinful habits that you have to break, and you have to replace them with righteous
00:47:52.400 | habits of speaking, of talking, of interacting.
00:47:57.680 | And those have to be...
00:48:01.360 | You really haven't changed.
00:48:02.360 | You haven't really created a brand new habit until it's comfortable, it's automatic, and
00:48:06.940 | it's unconscious in your life.
00:48:08.880 | When you are comfortable being kind, tenderhearted, and forgiving, when you are unconsciously
00:48:15.360 | are kind, tenderhearted, and forgiving, when it's automatic and unconscious when you're
00:48:25.720 | kind, tenderhearted, and forgiving, then you've really changed.
00:48:28.600 | Then you have new habits.
00:48:30.540 | But until you are doing that in an automatic way, you haven't changed.
00:48:36.560 | So there's four rules of communication, right?
00:48:38.960 | Four rules in Ephesians 4, 25 through 32.
00:48:42.320 | Be honest, keep current, attack the problem, not the person, act, don't react, all right?
00:48:49.600 | Ready for a quiz?
00:48:51.360 | Ready for a quiz?
00:48:52.360 | Look at me, not at your notes.
00:48:53.360 | Look at me.
00:48:54.360 | Here we go.
00:48:55.360 | I'll prompt you a little bit here.
00:48:56.800 | Four rules of communication.
00:48:57.960 | We're going to go home and start practicing these today.
00:49:01.520 | We're going to begin changes now.
00:49:03.540 | Number one, be honest, keep current, attack the problem, not the person.
00:49:10.600 | Don't get those mixed up.
00:49:12.920 | Act, don't react, all right?
00:49:15.800 | One more time, be honest, keep current, attack the problem, not the person, act, don't react,
00:49:25.320 | not the person, pastor, they're good learners, all right?
00:49:29.120 | They're good learners.
00:49:30.120 | Let's bow for prayer and then we have lunch and you look like you're hungry.
00:49:34.920 | I'm being honest.
00:49:38.920 | Dear Father, we thank you so much for your word.
00:49:41.240 | We thank you for the clarity of your word.
00:49:43.920 | If this is what is practiced in the home, there will be radical changes that occur in
00:49:49.280 | our homes for the good, for your honor and glory.
00:49:53.400 | May the homes that are represented here today uplift the testimony of Jesus Christ in a
00:49:58.160 | supreme way throughout this town, throughout this community, throughout this state, throughout
00:50:03.080 | our country.
00:50:04.380 | This we pray in Christ's name, amen.