Let's see if we can talk about communication. Before we do, pop quiz. Gentlemen, there's three things you've got to remember in order to be a godly husband. Now, let's impress these ladies really well. Say it right out loud. Number one, I've got to be a. >> Wife. >> Uh-huh.

>> Husband. >> Uh-huh. >> Teacher. >> Good. Ladies, put a smile on your husband's face. There are three things that you've got to remember in order to be a godly wife. Say them right out loud. Ready? >> Submission. >> Uh-huh. >> Suitable helper. >> Selflessly reverent. >> There you go.

Submission, suitable helper, selflessly reverent. Those are three things. Now, we're all going to learn four rules of communication. We're all going to learn four rules of communication in the home, and from this particular point on, God is going to change the climate of your home. From this point on, God is going to change the climate of your home.

What is the communication like in your home? Between you and your spouse, between you and your children, what is it like? Well, I want you to know that good communication in the Christian marriage does not happen automatically. It doesn't happen automatically. Neither is the Christian marriage immune from problems.

Now, there are some people who think that just because both of us are Christian, you see a lot of young people who both love the Lord, and they're going to get married, they think that they're going to be immune from problems because we're both Christians. Well, that's not the case.

In fact, this is one of the big problems that I have with these dating websites. They push on people the myth of compatibility, and it is a myth. As long as you take this extended test and answer all these questions, we'll find somebody in our data bank who answer questions in a similar way and we'll match you up with that person, and you're going to be the perfect couple because you think so like together.

When they finally get married and get into marriage, and they find out they have differences, and they find out that both of them are sinners, all of a sudden, reality pops that myth of compatibility. Now, they say, "What is wrong? I thought we were so perfect for one another, and a computer put us together." What's going on?

Reality, every marriage is dysfunctional. To voluntarily adopt a family systems therapy term, dysfunctional. Every marriage is dysfunctional because two rebellious, ungodly sinners who happen to be saved by grace are making a vow to each other. Two rebels are making a vow to each other, and that's going to be hard, and that's especially going to be hard in communication.

Because you and your spouse are sinners, that's going to complicate the communication. Because you and your spouse are finite with sinful hearts, you're not infinite. You can't see what's coming around the next corner, only God can. You don't know what's going to happen in the next week. In a small home situation, you're eventually going to bump into each other, and that's going to cause problems.

Because your heart has various cravings and desires that conflict, that's a problem. In fact, I do a whole series on biblical reconciliation. The world talks about peacemaking and conflict resolution. The Bible goes way beyond peacemaking and conflict resolution. It goes completely to full and complete reconciliation, sweet harmony within relationships better than ever before.

That's way different than just peacemaking. It's way different than just finding some kind of conflict resolution. It goes way beyond that. Grab your Bible just for a moment. I want you to go over to James Chapter 1. Excuse me, James Chapter 4 and verse 1. James asks the question, "What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you?" That's a great question.

"What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you?" Now, the typical everyday Christian in America today would probably answer that question by saying, "Well, I'm a sanguine and I'm married to a caloric, and men are from Mars and women are from Venus." Well, you know. That's the reason why there's so many conflicts.

Well, the Bible has a word for that, baloney. That's not true. That's not what causes conflicts. It's not the differences in personality, not at all. Personality has nothing to do with conflict. There is no such thing as specific people having adversarial personalities. No such thing. Nowhere in the Bible does it ever say that.

In fact, the Bible really defines all of us as having an adversarial personality. Every single one of us. It's not as if some people are worse at it than other people. We all have the problem. What is it that really causes fights and quarrels among you? Notice what he says.

He says, "Is it not that your passions are at war within you?" The you there is plural, not just within you, but the passion in you singular is at war with the passions of other people in their heart and those passions conflict. See, I want something and my wife wants something different, and those collide.

Those desires and those wants collide. They rise to idolatrous level loss in my heart. I'm willing to go to war for what I want, and that's when it's risen to an idolatrous level of lust in my life. What is it that causes fights and quarrels among us? Isn't it those desires that do battle that start in our heart?

Verse 2 says, "You desire and you do not have, so you murder." Now, I don't think James was saying that the Christians were literally going around murdering each other. I don't think he's using murder in the same sense that Jesus used murder in Matthew chapter 5 where he says, "If you hate in your heart, the heart of a hater and the heart of a murderer is the same heart.

It's just that one has acted it out and the other one hasn't." The heart of a hater, the heart of a murderer, same heart, it's just that one has acted it out and the other one hasn't. There's the problem. Well, you come to LA, you drive down the 405 in LA.

If you've ever been there before, it's the busiest road in the entire United States. They call it a freeway, but it's not a freeway, it's a parking lot. It's just endless cars forever and ever, and they sell there in LA these little things in these auto shops. You can buy them, you can mount them on your dashboard for heavy traffic.

You get in heavy traffic, you're stopped there and you mount this thing on your dashboard, and it has little buttons on it, and one button says missile, the other one says machine gun, the other one says grenade launcher. You can sit there in traffic and blow up the cars in front of you figuratively.

It's supposed to make the driver feel better in doing that. This is ritualistic murder is what it is. This is what the heart of a hater and the heart of a murderer is the same heart. It's just that one has acted it out and the other one hasn't. You're in my way, so I want to remove you out of my way even if it means blowing you up.

I'm going to move you out of my way. This is the problem, and this is what happens in a Christian home, where these desires and passions rise to idolatrous level. I mean, I'll have guys, they'll say to me, "Listen, all I want is for my wife to respect me.

Is that so bad?" No, on one level, it's not bad at all. Can it become bad? Yes, absolutely, it could become bad. Why? Because that desire that starts off very legitimately, now I just want my wife to respect me, now has become an idolatrous desire in his heart, so that when he doesn't receive the respect that he really deserves, this is more important than being God's kind of man and God's kind of husband.

I want her to respect me. That's the more important thing. That's the thing I bow down to every day as an idol in my heart. When I don't receive it, then I become hateful, angry, disrespectful, or I withdraw and become sullen, and depressed, and moody. All of those are sinful responses because that desire to have her respect me, has risen to an idolatrous desire in my heart.

Now, I act out, and now I am going to make her life miserable, because I'm not getting what I want. My desires are ruling me. Or I've had so many women say to me, "Listen, Dr. Street, all I want is for my husband to love me. Is that wrong?" No, it's not wrong.

Can it become wrong? Yes, it can become an idolatrous desire in your life. It starts off as a very legitimate desire, but it soon becomes idolatrous. It becomes more important than being God's kind of woman, and God's kind of wife in her life. That idolatrous desire rules her, so much so that it's the first thing she thinks about when she gets up in the morning.

It's the last thing she thinks about before she goes to bed at night. "My husband doesn't love me. She doesn't love me. He doesn't love me. He doesn't love me." And as a result of that, then she becomes hateful, angry, mean. She becomes caustic in her words. Or she withdraws, becomes sullen, depressed, because she's not receiving the love that she thinks that she deserves in that marriage.

That's when that desire has become. It starts off as a very legitimate desire, and then it becomes a ruling, dominating desire in her life. It becomes more important in her life than being God's kind of woman. And it rules her. It dominates her thinking. This is what James is talking about.

What is it that causes fights and quarrels among you? Isn't it these passions that do battle deep inside? Things that I want that may actually start off as very legitimate desires, but then they become ungodly desires? I've seen parents, Christian parents, do that. "Oh, I so want my children to come to Christ." Is that a good desire?

Absolutely. Can it become an idolatrous, ungodly, sinful desire? Absolutely. When it becomes more important than being God's kind of mom or dad. And when I don't see my kids kneeling their knee to Christ, when I don't see them surrendering their life to Jesus as Lord and Savior, then I become angry, hateful, mean, vindictive, or I withdraw and become depressed and sullen, and I refuse to communicate any longer.

Then I know that that desire that starts off as a very legitimate desire now has risen to an idolatrous desire. It's something that I bow down to every day as my idol, and I refuse to be a godly mother or a godly father if I don't get what I want.

Wow. Wow. What is it that causes fights and quarrels among you? Isn't it these desires and passions that do battle inside that wreck your life and wreck your relationships? You're willing to go to war for those things? Oh, God never intended the Christian home to be that way, never.

But sin has turned it into that. Communication in the home is critical here. Good marriages and loving relationships can be built by couples who are committed to being God's kind of husband and wife. So if you take to heart biblical principles, communication, your marriage can begin improving today, but you've got to be sincere in your desire to do things God's way.

That means He defines what is best for your marriage, not you. Take your Bible. Let's go over to Ephesians chapter 4. Ephesians chapter 4, and we're especially going to be interested in verses 25-34. We have four rules of communication we want to highlight for you. And oftentimes, when I'm using these in counseling, I'll say to the husbands, "Guys, I want you to take copious notes about what we're going to learn here because you're going to go home and you're going to teach everybody in the family these four rules of communication.

So you've got to be able to know them well enough to be able to teach them." And I'll tell the gals, "Listen, I want you to listen to these. Write down the four rules of communication, and I want you to figure out a way to display these four rules of communication in your home." Some women are incredibly creative doing this, all right?

They'll cross-stitch the four rules of communication and put them in nice frames, and others will run them off on a computer and tape them all over the place. But the key is these four rules of communication are really key to communicating in a godly way within your home from Ephesians chapter 4, verses 25 through 32.

Now, before we get there, let me take a look real quickly at the preceding context because we know that a text without a context is a pretext for a proof text, right? The preceding context of Ephesians 4 says this in verse 22, "To put off the old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness." In other words, here, before he talks about these four rules of communication, before he talks about how we should communicate in the Christian life, he says real change in the Christian life is always two-factored.

It has to do with putting off bad things, putting on good things, and then to be renewed, this is what we call a present passive, that's what God does. God gives us a renewed mind, verse 23, a renewed attitude towards these things, but we have to put off the old self, the old sinful practices of communication, and put on the new godly practices of communication.

This is a very deliberate effort you have to make. This is not going to happen automatically. And you may think you're already doing this, and in some cases you may be, but in most cases you're probably not. So it's going to take deliberate willful action on your part to change.

I like to teach this in counseling by saying, you remember that old joke kids used to say, "When is a door no longer a door?" When it's a jar, all right? Well, you use that as a paradigm. When is a liar no longer a liar? Or when is a thief no longer a thief?

Or when is a sexually immoral person no longer a sexually immoral person? Most people in the world says, "Well, a liar is no longer a liar when he stops lying." Or a thief is no longer a thief when he stops stealing. No, that's not true, that's just a thief between jobs, all right?

No. Or a sexually immoral person is no longer sexually immoral when he stops being sexually immoral. No, that's not true either. When is a liar no longer a liar? When he begins to habitually tell the truth. When is a thief no longer a thief? Well, look at verse 28.

He answers this question, "Let the thief no longer steal, but rather let him labor doing honest work with his own hands so that he may have something to share with anyone who has need." So a thief is still a thief until he's working enough to supply for himself and he has enough left over to give away to people who have need.

That's when a thief has stopped being a thief. Just because a person's not stealing doesn't mean that they're not a thief. Just because a person's not telling a lie at that point doesn't mean that they're not a liar. When that liar begins to habitually put on the truth, when the thief begins to habitually work hard to supply for himself as well as for other people, then he has stopped being a thief.

So permanent change in the Christian life is not getting rid of sin, it is getting rid of sin and replacing it consciously, actively with practiced righteousness. So if you're going to practice new rules of communication in your home, you have to practice righteousness. You have to deliberately, willfully do it.

Stop the sinful, ungodly things you're doing and saying and replace it with godly things. Sometimes it's like riding a bike for the first time. You probably remember when you first learned how to ride a bike and you were shaky and you fell off, but then eventually as you practice new habits in your life, then they become more natural as time goes on.

It's going to seem awkward. It's going to seem really awkward at first, but it doesn't have to be, because in the long run there's going to be sweetness down the line. When you practice God's rules of communication, there is always going to be sweetness there. So let's look at this, Ephesians 4 verse 25.

This is rule number one, "Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members of one another." Now let's look at this very carefully. Rule number one is this, "Be honest." That's rule number one, be honest. Now let me explain to you what I mean by that, and you've got to look at this verse carefully to understand this.

He says, "You've got to speak." That's an important word because it means you speak up. You must speak up with the truth. Why? People cannot read your mind. So that tells me that clamming up is out for the Christian. But that's the first thing that we do when we get into an argument, we'll clam up.

"Okay, I'm not going to give her the privilege of my keen insight." We just clam up. We don't say anything anymore. That's not an option. For Christians in communication, there's no option to clam up, no option to give them the silent treatment. That's not our purpose. We have to speak, verse 25 says.

"Having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak," he says. And then he says, "We've got to speak the truth." We have to speak the truth. This is really key. Speaking the truth here is a verb that involves continuous action. It's in the present tense, so it's something that should be regularly going on all of the time.

We must continually speak the truth, not any falsehood at all. It's to be the new lifestyle in your marriage. David said you must speak the truth from a heart of integrity, Psalm 15.2, not deceptively or with disguised, hidden, or double meanings. We have to speak the truth. This is really important.

Now why is this so important? Because we have so many deceitful ways to get around the truth. The human heart is almost limitless in its ability to be able to conjure up ways of getting around the truth. You ever watch court sessions on TV, and the way that people try to get around when they're confronted with the truth, oh, they're elaborate.

They think up all kinds of elaborate schemes and all kinds of elaborate exceptions, and your heart is no different. We as Christians have got to be different. We've got to be different from everybody in the world. In our homes, we've got to be different. We have to speak the truth.

Let me give you some examples of the way that you may be dishonest in your speech. There's outright dishonesty, which is a deliberate lie, falsification, or denial of truth. That's obviously, then you're in sin, and you're not being truthful in what you're saying. When that's the case, God understands that.

He sees it. Even though your husband or your wife may not know that you're being deceitful, God knows. He always knows every time that you do that. But there's even more sophisticated ways. For example, there's incongruities, where your speech is inconsistent with your halo data or your nonverbal communication.

Now, what do I mean by that? Well, sometimes we can say such nice things in such wicked ways, right? It's like the husband who says to his wife, "Oh, I love you." Now if you send her a text message of the exact words he said, she'd probably look at it and say, "Oh, isn't that sweet?

He said he loves me." But that's not the message that he really got. He was acting disgusted. All of his halo data, his nonverbal communication says the opposite. In fact, communicologists tell us that 93% of all of our meaning come from the nonverbals, not from the word sources we use.

That means our eyes, our facial expressions, the tone of our voice, the way we are looking at someone communicates more meaning than what we're really saying. "I love you." All right, really? Really? No, he doesn't. He's being disgusted by it. This is what the sinful human heart does, where your speech is inconsistent with your halo data.

Everything in your nonverbal says just the opposite. That's not the way it should be. What about this? There's disguised communication like innuendos, insinuations, or implied accusations. That's disguised. We imply certain things, but we always leave a back door that we can slip out of in case somebody really confronts us.

So we imply somebody has done something wrong. Our husband has done something wrong, or our wife has done something wrong. And then when they confront us with it, they say, "Oh, is that the way that you took it? Oh, no. Are you kidding me? No, no, no. Yeah, but that's exactly what you meant.

That's that incoherent. You insinuated this was true, and you said it specifically that way to insinuate it to get the message across, and now you deny ever having said it that way. That's the way. That's falsification. That's just as bad as lying when you use innuendos, insinuation, or implied accusations.

So we're seeing here that honesty is more than just not lying. It's being open and honest with the truth. If you're really going to be honest, you've got to be open and honest with the truth. That's really key. It's an attitude of the heart that you've got to have, being honest.

Colossians 3.9 says, "Do not lie to one another since you laid aside the old self with its evil practices." Well, now, I've had some guys say to me in counseling, "Well, you know what, Dr. Street? I was honest with her. I gave her a piece of my mind." He didn't realize how small I viewed his mind to be, and it felt like saying, "Don't give her any more pieces.

You won't have anything left." And so we know that he spoke, and he spoke the truth, but earlier in this chapter, Paul has already said that we're supposed to speak the truth in love. In love in verse 15. What do we mean by that? Well, some people sometimes can be brutal with the truth.

Sure they spoke the truth, but they beat the other person into the ground with the truth. You can do that with your wife. You can do that with your husband. You can tell the truth, but you beat them into the ground with the truth. That's not loving at all.

We're supposed to speak the truth in love. If you speak the truth in spite and anger, then you're not being loving. If you speak without forethought concerning the person that you're speaking to or about, that's not godly either. Christians are to speak the truth of the other person's best interest in mind.

In other words, what is my wife's best interest? How can I speak the truth with her best interest in mind? What is my husband's best interest? How can I speak the truth with his best interest in mind? It's not about me getting this off my chest, it is about them.

It's about how I can speak this for their benefit. Now, that doesn't mean they're automatically going to receive it, but I've got to do my best to say it in as loving way as I can. This is key. I love Colossians 4:6, "Let your speech," it says here, "always be with grace, seasoned as it were with salt, so that you may know how you should respond to each other." Why is that so key?

He compares gracious speech to salt. Now, why is there a comparison between gracious speech and salt? Well, back in ancient times, they knew that salt preserves food, but they also knew something that we know in our day and age, that salty foods create what? Thirst, right? Yeah, gracious words do the same thing.

Gracious words create thirst. When you say things graciously, people will want to hear more. That's the key. You heard what the young farmer said to the old farmer, "Well, you know, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink." And the old farmer said, "Well, that's true, but you can sure salt his oats.

You can make him want to drink." Well, that's what you do when you use gracious speech. You salt your words with gracious speech that even though your spouse disagrees with you, they want to hear more, all right? You said it so lovingly that they say, "Oh, you know, I don't agree with that, but I want to hear more.

I want to hear more, bring it on, come on. You said it so nice, you were so sweet, and the way that you said that, I don't agree, but it was so good," when the opposite's the case, right? We say it, we speak the truth, but we speak the truth in anger.

We speak the truth in bitterness. We speak the truth because we want them to hurt the way we think we have been hurt, and that just destroys everything in a Christian home. Then we act no different than people in the world. We're supposed to speak the truth, but we're supposed to speak the truth in love.

That's really key. The first rule of communication is be honest. Be honest. That's really key. There's a second rule. Look at verse 26 and 27, "Be angry and do not sin. Do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil." So rule number one, be honest.

Rule number two, keep current. Keep current. This is really important. Why? Well, sometimes it's possible to be righteously angry. God gets angry. The psalmist says God is angry every day. Jesus became angry. Not all anger is sin. He overturned the tables and the money changers in the temple. Jesus became angry.

That was righteous anger. But you can be righteously angry, and I know you think all of your anger is righteous when probably only 1.0000001% of it is, but I know you think all the rest of it is righteous. We're not like Jesus. We're not perfect in our anger. And so as a result of that, even our righteous anger can become quickly sinful anger if we let the sun go down on our anger.

Let the sun go down on our anger. I'll never forget working with a couple one day, and we were talking about this, and the husband just kind of looked at me and says, "Well, then we're going to move to Alaska." Went right over my head. Alaska? She caught on before I did.

"Well, you know how the sun in the summer shines 23 out of 24 hours, and he wants to hold on to his anger against me?" Now I gave him points for creativity. But I said, "That's not what this means. It means deal with your anger ASAP." This is a Semitic colloquialism, which means deal with your anger as soon as possible.

Don't let a day go by without dealing with that day's anger is the idea. All anger is not sin, self-centered anger is sin, and it's always sin. And a failure to deal with that day's anger that day means at least four things. Number one, it means you're guilty of sin.

That's pretty obvious. And remember, one of the reasons we're here at this marriage retreat is to learn how to turn all of our negative emotions and hate upon those sins. That's why we're here. So we're guilty of sin if we're holding on to something and we're not dealing with it every day.

Secondly, you open the way to resentment and bitterness, because now you begin to view your spouse through colored glasses. It's colored by the anger and the resentment that you have towards them that has not been dealt with. And so now everything in their life, by looking through those glasses, everything in their life looks distorted and wrong to you.

And you're picking out little things now, because this is unresolved in your own heart and you're looking at them through colored glasses. In addition to that, you distort subsequent problems. This is what I call spiritual gunny-sacking. You know what gunny-sacks are? It's an old hunting term. They used to have big burlap bags when they'd go hunting, and they'd shoot a bird or a rabbit for food, and they'd throw it in the burlap bag, and they'd go hunting the rest of the day and shoot a few more and throw it in the bag.

At the end of the day, they'd empty their bag out, they'd process all of that and cut it into meat and cook it or salt it or whatever the case may be back in old times. That's exactly what people do with wrongs and offenses that have been done against them.

They gunny-sack them. You can't see it, but they're there. All right, here's an offense my husband did against me, and I threw it in a gunny-sack. There's another offense, and I throw that in a gunny-sack. I don't deal with it. Another one, I throw that in a gunny-sack, another one.

This gunny-sack's getting bigger and bigger and bigger, and we carry it around all the time on our back. And then our husband finally does something relatively small, not a big thing, but you don't like it. And you choose that particular time to empty your gunny-sack. And so you pull your gunny-sack out, and you empty all of it out, and they're going, "Whoa, whoa, what is the problem?

What is going on?" And you say, "It's not what you've done. It's who you are that's the problem." And he's going, "Whoa." And now you don't remember any of the specifics of all those things that have gone wrong anymore because they happened so far in the past. All you know is that you have good reason to be angry.

That's all you know. And now you can't solve anything. Now it's even worse than ever before. God never intended us to live that way. We distort. We're guilty of spiritual gunny-sacking. Don't let the sun go down on your anger. You have to keep current. It will affect you in so many negative ways.

The fourth thing here is that it will endanger your physical relationship. Do you know why? Because nobody wants to go to bed and have sex with their problem. Nobody wants to do that. And you have become my problem, all right? That's because we have held all of this anger and bitterness for such a long period of time.

We've not resolved it. That person is a problem with two legs. They're just one big problem. And it's our fault because we're not dealing with these problems. We're choosing to ignore them. We're sweeping them under the rug. No, God says that should never be the case. Number one, be honest.

Number two, keep current. Number three, I want you to pick up in verse 29, "Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths but only such as is good for building up as it fits the occasion that it may give grace to those who hear and do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption." So be honest, keep current.

Number three, attack the problem, not the person. Attack the problem, not the person. This is really important. Now take a look at this real carefully. When he says he refers to corrupt talk, it's really interesting. We have a very narrow view of corrupt talk. We think cursing, taking God's name in vain, swearing is corrupt talk, and it is, but it's a very, very narrow view.

It's just a very narrow view. It's not very big at all. God's view of corrupt talk is huge. There's all kinds of corrupt talk that we do that goes way beyond swearing, cursing, or taking God's name in vain. Incidentally, that Greek word for corrupt is the word that means rotten.

It was something in the first century Greek that they used to describe rotten fish. Something stinks more than rotten fish, but that's corrupt talk, and we have a tendency to think that only a small few things are really corrupt. What are these unwholesome, corrupt words? Well, they zero in on the person and their character.

It's those kind of words. They tear down and demolish the other person. It's words like you always, you never, you turkey, you idiot, you dummy, you stupid, you dumbbell. We never let our kids use any of those terms and more, even though they're not technically swear words, they're not curse words, they're not taking God's name in vain, but what are they doing?

They're attacking their brother or sister's character. That's what they're doing. When you use words like that, you're tearing people down. You're tearing your spouse down. You're not building them up at all. That's not what we should be doing. We tend to label only curse words as unwholesome words, and that's a very narrow definition.

God's definition is much broader than that. Those are the kind of things we have to get rid of. Those are the kind of things that we have to stop doing in our communication. Anything that zeros in on their person and zeros in on their character, I've got to stop talking.

For some of us, we don't know how to talk except that way. For a while, we're going to be ... because I have to learn new ways to say things because almost every time I speak, I'm attacking somebody's character. Sometimes I think some people in counseling are going to explode.

It's kind of building up. All right. End of thing. No, no. You've got to channel all that energy towards learning new ways to respond. What kind of words? He says here in this verse in verse 29 exactly what kind of words they need to be. These need to be edifying words.

They are the type of words that build the other person up, that build the other person up. These are words that focus on the problem, not the person. They're selected in order to make it easy for two people to find a solution. They're solution-oriented words full of graciousness. That's what we're talking about.

Like for instance, they always have a partner's welfare first and foremost in mind. So when you're thinking about your partner rather than thinking about you and their welfare first before your wants and your welfare, then it's going to be easier. For example, I disagree with what you've done, but I'm open to hear your side of the story.

Now that's a creative way. That is a good way. I disagree. Now if you were to say that in your marriage, your spouse is liable to have a heart attack, who are you and what did you do with my husband or wife? But I'm interested in hearing your side of the story or words like this, "I want to find a solution to our problem that will be best for you and our home." Those are edifying words.

They're intended to build up. They're not intended to tear another person down. I want to work through this with you so that Jesus Christ is honored in our marriage. I want to work with you so that Jesus Christ is honored in everything that we do. Can you imagine that in the midst?

Think about your most heated conflict. Think about that for a moment. In saying these things in the midst of that, "You know, I don't fully agree with you, but I love you and I want to do our best to work on this for God's honor and glory. I want to do that with you." Oh my goodness, you're going to make it really hard for your spouse to hate you.

You're going to make it really hard, and that's okay because that's the kind of words. Be honest, keep current, attack the problem, not the person. Attack the problem, not the person. Number four, the last one, I want you to look at this in verses 31 and 32. Verse 31 says, "Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice, be kind to one another and tenderhearted, forgiving one another as God in Christ forgave you." Be honest, keep current, attack the problem, not the person, and then fourth, act, don't react.

Act, don't react. All the reactions are in verse 31. What are they? Reactions to problems are bitterness, are perpetual animosity that leads to harsh and unloving opinions about other people. Wrath, which the term there is outbursts of passionate rage, anger, which has to do with a subtle, deep-flowing anger, clamor, which is outcry and shouting, slander, speaking evil in other person that comes from some kind of settled indignation.

You may say, "Okay, well, I understand that, but you know I'm not really bitter or wrathful or angry or clamorous or slanderous. That's just not me." Well, Paul understands what you're thinking at this point, and then he grabs a term, which is a big blanket that throws over a lot of things, along, he says in verse 31, "With all malice." What is malice?

Malice is a general wishing of ill will towards someone else, a general wishing of ill will towards someone else. I've got to get rid of that as quickly as possible, a general wishing of ill will towards other people. That is maliceness that is in the heart. You know, it's like early in the morning, husband and wife get up for breakfast, and they have an argument, and they get into a conflict, and he runs out the door, slams the door, jumps in the car, spins out of the driveway, throwing real estate all over the place, goes screaming down the road, drives into traffic, goes weaving in and out of traffic, and all along he's thinking to himself, "I hope the children make her life miserable today." That's malice.

She's standing there doing the breakfast dishes, and she's thinking to herself, "I hope he has a horrible day at work." That's malice, a general wishing of ill will towards anyone else. That should never be a part of the Christian home or Christians in a marital relationship that's supposed to be a Christlike and loving relationship.

All of those things have to be put off, but it's not enough to just merely put off those things, in addition, they have to put on three key things. Notice these things in verse 32. Number one, you've got to be kind. What's the most kind thing you can say or think or do for that person in the midst of that conflict?

That means being useful, worthy, good, benevolent towards your spouse. What's the kindest thing I can say or think or do for them? Or tenderhearted. Literally, it means having healthy bowels. That has to do with emotions in the Bible. They're the seat of emotions and attention, therefore, it means being compassionate.

What's the most compassionate thing I can say or think or do in the midst of this conflict? What's the most compassionate thing? And then last of all, forgiving. That is to exercise grace and releasing the offense of your spouse. This includes the willingness from the heart, Mark 11:25, the verbal granting of forgiveness when repentance has taken place, which is often we refer to as transactional forgiveness in Luke 17, verses 3 and 4.

There has to be that. What's the most forgiving thing I can say or think or do for my spouse? When that becomes automatic in your relationships, then you know that you've changed. When you've created brand new habit of righteousness, when you've created that, then you know that you've changed.

What is a habit? There's three characteristics of a habit. It's comfortable, it's automatic, and it's unconscious. It's comfortable, it's automatic, and it's unconscious. So you have sinful habits that you have to break, and you have to replace them with righteous habits of speaking, of talking, of interacting. And those have to be...

You really haven't changed. You haven't really created a brand new habit until it's comfortable, it's automatic, and it's unconscious in your life. When you are comfortable being kind, tenderhearted, and forgiving, when you are unconsciously are kind, tenderhearted, and forgiving, when it's automatic and unconscious when you're kind, tenderhearted, and forgiving, then you've really changed.

Then you have new habits. But until you are doing that in an automatic way, you haven't changed. So there's four rules of communication, right? Four rules in Ephesians 4, 25 through 32. Be honest, keep current, attack the problem, not the person, act, don't react, all right? Ready for a quiz?

Ready for a quiz? Look at me, not at your notes. Look at me. Here we go. I'll prompt you a little bit here. Four rules of communication. We're going to go home and start practicing these today. We're going to begin changes now. Number one, be honest, keep current, attack the problem, not the person.

Don't get those mixed up. Act, don't react, all right? One more time, be honest, keep current, attack the problem, not the person, act, don't react, not the person, pastor, they're good learners, all right? They're good learners. Let's bow for prayer and then we have lunch and you look like you're hungry.

I'm being honest. Dear Father, we thank you so much for your word. We thank you for the clarity of your word. If this is what is practiced in the home, there will be radical changes that occur in our homes for the good, for your honor and glory. May the homes that are represented here today uplift the testimony of Jesus Christ in a supreme way throughout this town, throughout this community, throughout this state, throughout our country.

This we pray in Christ's name, amen.