How Do I Teach My Kids to Focus?

00:00:00.000 | [MUSIC PLAYING]

00:00:03.360 | See what we got here.

00:00:07.480 | So we have a question here from Alexis.

00:00:11.800 | Sort of similar to a question we did earlier,

00:00:13.680 | so we can come at it from a different angle.

00:00:15.360 | Alexis says, how would you apply the concepts of Deep

00:00:17.520 | Ork to one's kids?

00:00:20.560 | So she says, I'm a parent and have

00:00:23.440 | noticed that electronics generally reduce

00:00:25.840 | our daughter's attention span.

00:00:28.080 | As such, we ban video games and social media,

00:00:30.040 | but we do let her do protective activities on electronics.

00:00:33.360 | Mostly we require reading.

00:00:36.040 | She gets to do TV, movies, has earned time

00:00:37.760 | for piano school, et cetera.

00:00:38.800 | What would you do?

00:00:39.360 | Our daughter is 14 now.

00:00:40.480 | I mean, I think that's fine.

00:00:42.880 | So 14-year-olds are not going to be fantastic at focus.

00:00:45.720 | It's a practiced art, and their brains are scattered.

00:00:50.120 | So yes, avoid, as I talked about earlier in the show,

00:00:53.080 | avoid online video games, avoid social media for kids.

00:00:57.160 | And by kids, I mean even adolescents.

00:00:58.720 | That's going to be poison.

00:01:00.120 | I don't really mind TV.

00:01:01.640 | I don't mind your shows you watch.

00:01:03.080 | You obviously do the same advice we learned in the 1980s,

00:01:06.760 | have some control over it.

00:01:07.920 | So you can't just use the TV all the time.

00:01:10.320 | But I'm not one of these strict screen time zealots

00:01:13.880 | where my 14-year-old gets to watch one minute of TV.

00:01:16.360 | I think some of that's more about the parents wanting

00:01:18.440 | to feel like they're optimizing parenting,

00:01:20.200 | that it is going to make some big difference for the kid.

00:01:22.620 | And it makes the kids kind of weird.

00:01:24.160 | So I don't worry about that too much.

00:01:25.740 | And then separately, you need to sort of introduce the notion

00:01:33.160 | that concentration on hard things

00:01:34.840 | is an important, respectable, really useful skill.

00:01:39.520 | You can talk about this.

00:01:41.000 | There's examples of this.

00:01:42.200 | We're watching the Olympics.

00:01:43.120 | We're looking at this artist.

00:01:44.320 | We went to this movie.

00:01:46.360 | This type of stuff that's really inspiring.

00:01:48.160 | How do you do that?

00:01:48.780 | You focus really hard on things.

00:01:50.160 | You're willing to do it even when it's hard.

00:01:52.000 | You push yourself.

00:01:52.760 | There's grace in that.

00:01:54.240 | There's something really deeply human in that.

00:01:56.160 | You demonstrate it.

00:01:57.920 | If you're walking around your house

00:01:59.420 | as a parent with your phone, looking on your phone

00:02:01.120 | all the time, doing all these text message threads,

00:02:03.360 | it doesn't matter what you say.

00:02:04.660 | They see it.

00:02:05.240 | Like, no, no, this is what life should be.

00:02:06.800 | So keep the phone in the foyer.

00:02:07.960 | Don't carry it with you throughout their house.

00:02:09.960 | Let them see in your life, hey, I prioritize other things.

00:02:12.880 | I'm not constantly distracted.

00:02:14.600 | And then you can literally just give them structure

00:02:16.760 | so they can practice it.

00:02:18.400 | All right, so you have some homework.

00:02:19.940 | Let's think through how we want to do this.

00:02:21.880 | Let's schedule it on the calendar.

00:02:23.320 | We have set times we do it.

00:02:25.080 | Let's push ourselves, take a break.

00:02:28.680 | How do you organize your thoughts?

00:02:30.120 | You can literally work with and practice and help kids

00:02:32.640 | get more comfortable with this.

00:02:34.120 | I talked with my nine-year-old about this with math.

00:02:37.840 | Really walking him through, what are you

00:02:40.720 | doing in your head when you're trying to solve a hard math

00:02:43.240 | problem?

00:02:43.840 | Because we don't tell kids this, and they don't know.

00:02:45.560 | Like, I don't know.

00:02:46.040 | I just kind of hope it comes to me or something.

00:02:47.600 | Really walking him through.

00:02:48.400 | Like, your paper is an extension of your working memory,

00:02:50.960 | and it's a strategy.

00:02:52.000 | And then you're recording your work.

00:02:53.520 | And then this is when you concentrate,

00:02:55.060 | is at very set leaps.

00:02:56.160 | Like, it's not just random.

00:02:57.320 | It's not just you thinking and hoping something comes from it.

00:02:59.940 | So then you can practice.

00:03:00.920 | Practice structured thinking.

00:03:02.080 | So do those three things.

00:03:03.040 | Get rid of the poison, which is the online video

00:03:04.960 | games and the social media.

00:03:07.800 | Demonstrate that you prioritize depth.

00:03:10.840 | Talk about depth and concentration

00:03:12.480 | and how it's the key to a life well-lived.

00:03:14.240 | And then actually literally help them practice.

00:03:16.640 | And then don't expect your 14-year-old

00:03:18.240 | to be Richard Feynman.

00:03:20.560 | It's a 14-year-old brain, not a 34-year-old brain,

00:03:23.440 | not a 44-year-old brain that's been doing this for a long time.

00:03:26.040 | So then have some flexibility on your expectations there.

00:03:29.280 | Kids are kids.

00:03:31.440 | They don't need to be--

00:03:33.280 | you don't necessarily want them to be super locked in.

00:03:36.480 | That's actually something I talk about a lot.

00:03:38.320 | I think-- and we've talked about this on the show before.

00:03:43.240 | You know, careful what you wish for.

00:03:46.320 | You get this around here in these competitive areas,

00:03:48.760 | like the Washington, DC area, this sort of underlying dream

00:03:52.800 | of like, man, I kind of wish my kid was a prodigy,

00:03:56.000 | like just awesome at math or something.

00:03:59.400 | And just, you know--

00:04:01.120 | because you get as a parent these victory points,

00:04:03.600 | these victories of like, they're the best,

00:04:06.080 | and they're moving up, and you somehow

00:04:08.160 | vicariously take these victories.

00:04:09.760 | And all I'm saying is be careful what you wish for.

00:04:13.440 | Rarely the foundation of a good, meaningful, deep life

00:04:16.560 | if you're too good at something like that early on.

00:04:18.680 | Be that physical or intellectual.

00:04:20.760 | Careful what you wish for.

00:04:22.400 | Find things you can do in your own life

00:04:24.120 | to feel good about yourself, not what did my kid do?

00:04:27.520 | Because you didn't do that anyway,

00:04:28.960 | so you shouldn't feel good about that anyways.

00:04:30.960 | [MUSIC PLAYING]

00:04:34.320 | (upbeat music)

How Do I Teach My Kids to Focus?

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