Confronting Emotional and Verbal Abuse in the Home
00:00:00.000 | Well, Friday we talked about the difference between unholy anger and holy anger, and you,
00:00:08.800 | Pastor John, talked about anger as a marriage killer.
00:00:12.220 | Today we look more closely at anger and its destructive force inside of the home.
00:00:16.900 | An anonymous woman who listens to the podcast has written us a really sharp question, Pastor
00:00:20.740 | John, here it is.
00:00:21.740 | Pastor John, thank you for the years you have faithfully invested in this podcast.
00:00:27.400 | Over those years, I don't believe you have ever spoken on emotional and verbal abuse
00:00:32.480 | inside of the home.
00:00:34.320 | At what point do emotional outbursts from an adult in a home call for church discipline
00:00:39.640 | or for the involvement of the local church leadership?
00:00:43.080 | I'm talking about verbal put-downs aimed at children, cuss words, and raised voices used
00:00:48.600 | in anger to force an opinion on the home in a consistent pattern.
00:00:52.800 | I want to keep this in the general level because I want you to offer general categories for
00:00:57.320 | me and other listeners to use.
00:01:00.520 | It's pretty obvious, amazingly, that this woman has really carefully crafted the description
00:01:11.200 | of the behavior she's asking about.
00:01:15.120 | In other words, she asked me to provide the categories to think about this, but she, I
00:01:22.280 | think, has done a remarkable job—and I'm sure it did not come quickly—a remarkably
00:01:29.760 | good job providing them already herself.
00:01:34.400 | Now let me reread her key sentence, and you'll see exactly what I mean.
00:01:40.460 | And then I want to give some Scriptures that throw what she says into such serious relief,
00:01:48.880 | and then close with a few other aspects that she may or may not be thinking about, but
00:01:56.360 | I think are also important.
00:01:58.120 | So here's the sentence which describes the kind of behavior she's asking about.
00:02:06.000 | Quote, "I'm talking about verbal put-downs," and I'm going to make a comment after each
00:02:12.480 | key phrase because she has chosen her words very carefully, and I'm going to tell you
00:02:17.480 | what I think is meant, what I would mean by them, and I think she means by them.
00:02:22.640 | "I'm talking about verbal put-downs," which is the opposite, I'm saying, of language that
00:02:29.320 | builds up and offers grace.
00:02:32.760 | She continues, "Aimed at children," and I add, "Aimed at anyone would be a problem, but
00:02:40.720 | this introduces the added long-term damage as well as the cruel use of power," she continues,
00:02:49.320 | "and cuss words," I add, "which introduces the dimension of ugly and dirty intensity,"
00:02:57.800 | she continues, "and raised voices used in anger," I add, "which names the emotion and
00:03:06.960 | heightens the sense of fearfulness and attack," she adds, "to force," I add, "which identifies
00:03:16.680 | a sense of coercion rather than appeal or persuasion," she continues, "and opinion on
00:03:24.240 | the home," I interpret, "which suggests it's not just shared convictions that are at stake
00:03:32.760 | here, but opinions that don't necessarily have any moral weight and are still being
00:03:38.840 | with such high-level intensity of anger forced," and then she finishes with, "in a consistent
00:03:47.000 | pattern," which points out that this is not an occasional outburst, but an ongoing and
00:03:53.720 | unrepented pattern.
00:03:56.000 | Now that's a pretty carefully crafted definition of a pattern of behavior called verbal abuse
00:04:03.320 | or emotional abuse, and I, for one, really appreciate that kind of verbal care.
00:04:11.920 | She clearly does not want this to be treated or dismissed as an ordinary run-of-the-mill
00:04:20.160 | or minor conflict, as might mar a good marriage now and then, and I don't dismiss it that
00:04:26.680 | way or treat it that way, and the reason is the text that follows.
00:04:31.600 | So let me just read some passages of Scripture, and every one of them could be correlated
00:04:37.840 | with the particular points that she was making about the spouse's behavior, who is speaking
00:04:44.360 | that way and acting that way.
00:04:46.120 | Colossians 3, 8, "Now you must put away all anger, wrath, malice, slander, and obscene
00:04:55.520 | talk from your mouth."
00:04:59.240 | Ephesians 4, 31, "Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away
00:05:05.180 | from you, with all malice, and be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one
00:05:10.920 | another, as God in Christ forgave you."
00:05:14.640 | Colossians 3, 19, "Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them."
00:05:22.640 | First Peter 3, 8, "All of you have unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, tender
00:05:31.840 | heart, humble mind.
00:05:36.080 | Don't repay evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary, bless, for
00:05:41.320 | to this you were called that you may obtain a blessing."
00:05:44.120 | Ephesians 5, 25, "Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself
00:05:49.080 | for her."
00:05:50.080 | Husbands should love their wives as their own bodies.
00:05:55.120 | He who loves his wife loves himself, for no one ever hated his own flesh but nourishes
00:06:03.000 | and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church because we're members of his body.
00:06:09.160 | Ephesians 4, 29, "Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouth, but only what is good
00:06:15.400 | for up-building, building up as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear."
00:06:24.920 | And finally, Philippians 1, 8, "Accordingly, though I am bold enough in Christ to command
00:06:31.860 | you to do what is required, yet for love's sake I prefer to appeal to you."
00:06:40.440 | I, Paul, an old man, now a prisoner.
00:06:44.560 | And we could, of course, go on.
00:06:46.280 | These passages make every phrase of her sentence that we looked at, make it warranted as a
00:06:56.720 | serious spiritual moral issue, whether from a husband or from a wife.
00:07:05.460 | So my short answer is this.
00:07:08.500 | The behavior as she defined it, and as I tried to interpret it and illuminate it, is enough
00:07:16.320 | to warrant a spouse turning to the elders of the church for help, possibly for discipline,
00:07:23.960 | depending on the spouse's response, and possibly then for excommunication.
00:07:31.240 | That's a pretty serious statement about that sentence.
00:07:36.120 | But here's what I want to add.
00:07:39.000 | I think it might be helpful to point out, and I'm sure she knows this, but all of our
00:07:43.600 | listeners not think in these categories, and it's pretty radical what I'm going to say.
00:07:49.880 | There should be, in every Christian marriage, a web of relationships in the church, in the
00:07:55.920 | community, among friends.
00:07:58.040 | However, among Christians it can happen.
00:08:00.720 | There should be a web of relationships, and I know there are not a lot of healthy communities
00:08:06.800 | and aren't as many healthy churches as we would like.
00:08:09.640 | I get that.
00:08:11.040 | I'm talking about what ought to be and what a young couple should pursue.
00:08:15.920 | There should be a web of relationships which should exert correcting and rebuking and healing
00:08:24.160 | influence before there is the need for official involvement of the elders.
00:08:30.360 | The New Testament is shot through with commands to ordinary laypeople to exhort us to exhort
00:08:40.280 | each other and rebuke each other and correct each other and pray for each other regularly.
00:08:46.920 | It's amazing how many marriages painfully limp along with nobody able to do that.
00:08:54.440 | That's tragic.
00:08:55.840 | And I would say to every young couple, and I know it's too late for many couples who
00:09:00.600 | are so far gone in the dysfunctional relationship, they won't ever do this without a miracle,
00:09:08.600 | but I would say to every young couple from the beginning, enmesh yourselves in a web
00:09:16.880 | of relationships, a small group, a set of friends who are close enough to you that they
00:09:23.960 | can know when problems are happening in your marriage.
00:09:29.800 | And I would even say that a husband and wife should get permission from the other to have
00:09:37.560 | one or two people that they are willing to have the spouse share absolutely everything
00:09:46.920 | with in the marriage that's going on.
00:09:49.880 | Not that they always would share everything, but that the trust level is high enough that
00:09:56.400 | they are allowed at their own judgment to make that call.
00:10:01.200 | For example, I, years ago, we were having enough trouble.
00:10:05.400 | We did this.
00:10:06.400 | I gave Noelle the permission to say to one or two other women absolutely anything about
00:10:16.080 | our marriage without betraying me.
00:10:18.200 | I said, "It will not be a betrayal.
00:10:19.640 | I give you permission to say absolutely anything to her, and I trust you not to do so in a
00:10:27.080 | way that would be destructive."
00:10:28.280 | And she did the same for me.
00:10:30.120 | Noelle has given me permission to say to one or two other men absolutely anything about
00:10:36.080 | what's going on in our home, and she trusts me not to say things that would be destructive
00:10:42.360 | or damaging.
00:10:43.480 | And I realize this requires an enormous amount of trust, both between the spouses and with
00:10:51.560 | the friends, and I would say ultimately in God, and a great deal of courage for friends,
00:10:57.840 | the friends, to then turn around and confront the husband or the wife.
00:11:02.860 | But that's the kind of web of relationships I'm talking about.
00:11:09.680 | Then, if all of that involvement of other friends does not bring about the repentance
00:11:17.560 | for the kind of behavior we're talking about here, then the involvement of the elders will
00:11:23.000 | not at all seem precipitous, but all things will be established in the mouth of two or
00:11:29.260 | three witnesses.
00:11:31.560 | Very sobering.
00:11:32.560 | Thank you, Pastor John.
00:11:33.560 | And as Pastor John said earlier, a question like this takes a lot of time to articulate,
00:11:39.480 | and these are the questions we're looking for.
00:11:41.780 | Really think hard about the core of what it is you're asking about.
00:11:46.180 | And thanks for listening and making this podcast part of your day and commute.
00:11:49.620 | It's an honor to join you as part of your day, even as we address some pretty sobering
00:11:53.500 | questions like this one.
00:11:56.020 | You can subscribe to our audio feeds, search our past episodes, even reach us by email
00:11:59.900 | with a question of your own through our online home at DesiringGod.org/AskPastorJohn.
00:12:06.660 | Well in scripture we see that God wants our hearts enlightened so that we may know what
00:12:11.620 | is the hope to which he has called you.
00:12:14.160 | What are the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints?
00:12:18.740 | But what are the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints that we read about in Ephesians
00:12:23.580 | 118?
00:12:24.580 | I will ask John Piper that question on Friday when we return.
00:12:28.260 | I'm your host Tony Reinke.
00:12:29.740 | Thanks for listening to the podcast.
00:12:30.740 | We'll see you next time.
00:12:30.740 | we'll see you next time.
00:12:33.800 | [ Silence ]
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