Well, Friday we talked about the difference between unholy anger and holy anger, and you, Pastor John, talked about anger as a marriage killer. Today we look more closely at anger and its destructive force inside of the home. An anonymous woman who listens to the podcast has written us a really sharp question, Pastor John, here it is.

Pastor John, thank you for the years you have faithfully invested in this podcast. Over those years, I don't believe you have ever spoken on emotional and verbal abuse inside of the home. At what point do emotional outbursts from an adult in a home call for church discipline or for the involvement of the local church leadership?

I'm talking about verbal put-downs aimed at children, cuss words, and raised voices used in anger to force an opinion on the home in a consistent pattern. I want to keep this in the general level because I want you to offer general categories for me and other listeners to use.

It's pretty obvious, amazingly, that this woman has really carefully crafted the description of the behavior she's asking about. In other words, she asked me to provide the categories to think about this, but she, I think, has done a remarkable job—and I'm sure it did not come quickly—a remarkably good job providing them already herself.

Now let me reread her key sentence, and you'll see exactly what I mean. And then I want to give some Scriptures that throw what she says into such serious relief, and then close with a few other aspects that she may or may not be thinking about, but I think are also important.

So here's the sentence which describes the kind of behavior she's asking about. Quote, "I'm talking about verbal put-downs," and I'm going to make a comment after each key phrase because she has chosen her words very carefully, and I'm going to tell you what I think is meant, what I would mean by them, and I think she means by them.

"I'm talking about verbal put-downs," which is the opposite, I'm saying, of language that builds up and offers grace. She continues, "Aimed at children," and I add, "Aimed at anyone would be a problem, but this introduces the added long-term damage as well as the cruel use of power," she continues, "and cuss words," I add, "which introduces the dimension of ugly and dirty intensity," she continues, "and raised voices used in anger," I add, "which names the emotion and heightens the sense of fearfulness and attack," she adds, "to force," I add, "which identifies a sense of coercion rather than appeal or persuasion," she continues, "and opinion on the home," I interpret, "which suggests it's not just shared convictions that are at stake here, but opinions that don't necessarily have any moral weight and are still being with such high-level intensity of anger forced," and then she finishes with, "in a consistent pattern," which points out that this is not an occasional outburst, but an ongoing and unrepented pattern.

Now that's a pretty carefully crafted definition of a pattern of behavior called verbal abuse or emotional abuse, and I, for one, really appreciate that kind of verbal care. She clearly does not want this to be treated or dismissed as an ordinary run-of-the-mill or minor conflict, as might mar a good marriage now and then, and I don't dismiss it that way or treat it that way, and the reason is the text that follows.

So let me just read some passages of Scripture, and every one of them could be correlated with the particular points that she was making about the spouse's behavior, who is speaking that way and acting that way. Colossians 3, 8, "Now you must put away all anger, wrath, malice, slander, and obscene talk from your mouth." Ephesians 4, 31, "Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, with all malice, and be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you." Colossians 3, 19, "Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them." First Peter 3, 8, "All of you have unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, tender heart, humble mind.

Don't repay evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary, bless, for to this you were called that you may obtain a blessing." Ephesians 5, 25, "Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself for her." Husbands should love their wives as their own bodies.

He who loves his wife loves himself, for no one ever hated his own flesh but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church because we're members of his body. Ephesians 4, 29, "Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouth, but only what is good for up-building, building up as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear." And finally, Philippians 1, 8, "Accordingly, though I am bold enough in Christ to command you to do what is required, yet for love's sake I prefer to appeal to you." I, Paul, an old man, now a prisoner.

And we could, of course, go on. These passages make every phrase of her sentence that we looked at, make it warranted as a serious spiritual moral issue, whether from a husband or from a wife. So my short answer is this. The behavior as she defined it, and as I tried to interpret it and illuminate it, is enough to warrant a spouse turning to the elders of the church for help, possibly for discipline, depending on the spouse's response, and possibly then for excommunication.

That's a pretty serious statement about that sentence. But here's what I want to add. I think it might be helpful to point out, and I'm sure she knows this, but all of our listeners not think in these categories, and it's pretty radical what I'm going to say. There should be, in every Christian marriage, a web of relationships in the church, in the community, among friends.

However, among Christians it can happen. There should be a web of relationships, and I know there are not a lot of healthy communities and aren't as many healthy churches as we would like. I get that. I'm talking about what ought to be and what a young couple should pursue.

There should be a web of relationships which should exert correcting and rebuking and healing influence before there is the need for official involvement of the elders. The New Testament is shot through with commands to ordinary laypeople to exhort us to exhort each other and rebuke each other and correct each other and pray for each other regularly.

It's amazing how many marriages painfully limp along with nobody able to do that. That's tragic. And I would say to every young couple, and I know it's too late for many couples who are so far gone in the dysfunctional relationship, they won't ever do this without a miracle, but I would say to every young couple from the beginning, enmesh yourselves in a web of relationships, a small group, a set of friends who are close enough to you that they can know when problems are happening in your marriage.

And I would even say that a husband and wife should get permission from the other to have one or two people that they are willing to have the spouse share absolutely everything with in the marriage that's going on. Not that they always would share everything, but that the trust level is high enough that they are allowed at their own judgment to make that call.

For example, I, years ago, we were having enough trouble. We did this. I gave Noelle the permission to say to one or two other women absolutely anything about our marriage without betraying me. I said, "It will not be a betrayal. I give you permission to say absolutely anything to her, and I trust you not to do so in a way that would be destructive." And she did the same for me.

Noelle has given me permission to say to one or two other men absolutely anything about what's going on in our home, and she trusts me not to say things that would be destructive or damaging. And I realize this requires an enormous amount of trust, both between the spouses and with the friends, and I would say ultimately in God, and a great deal of courage for friends, the friends, to then turn around and confront the husband or the wife.

But that's the kind of web of relationships I'm talking about. Then, if all of that involvement of other friends does not bring about the repentance for the kind of behavior we're talking about here, then the involvement of the elders will not at all seem precipitous, but all things will be established in the mouth of two or three witnesses.

Very sobering. Thank you, Pastor John. And as Pastor John said earlier, a question like this takes a lot of time to articulate, and these are the questions we're looking for. Really think hard about the core of what it is you're asking about. And thanks for listening and making this podcast part of your day and commute.

It's an honor to join you as part of your day, even as we address some pretty sobering questions like this one. You can subscribe to our audio feeds, search our past episodes, even reach us by email with a question of your own through our online home at DesiringGod.org/AskPastorJohn. Well in scripture we see that God wants our hearts enlightened so that we may know what is the hope to which he has called you.

What are the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints? But what are the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints that we read about in Ephesians 118? I will ask John Piper that question on Friday when we return. I'm your host Tony Reinke. Thanks for listening to the podcast.

We'll see you next time. we'll see you next time.