ACBC Counseling Exam 2 - Developing a Caring Relationship

00:00:00.000 | in the new year, it's a great joy to meet together in this online format.

00:00:06.120 | I know that I was thinking I must be crazy committed to

00:00:10.480 | this ministry teaching this in the middle of the Super Bowl,

00:00:15.600 | but I know that all of you are very committed to

00:00:19.080 | the ministry by attending this session and don't worry,

00:00:23.400 | we'll get you to the second half by the time we're done here.

00:00:28.840 | But we're just glad that you're with us,

00:00:31.320 | glad that you're able to join us for this hour,

00:00:33.960 | and we're looking forward to a wonderful study tonight in the word of God.

00:00:39.120 | Tonight, we're going to be looking at a subject that's

00:00:41.280 | very important for counseling ministry,

00:00:43.640 | and we're going to be looking at counseling exam number 2,

00:00:48.240 | which focuses on the topic of developing a caring relationship with your counselee,

00:00:55.960 | developing a caring relationship with your counselee.

00:01:00.680 | So tonight's study is going to be a very practical subject,

00:01:05.080 | very necessary subject.

00:01:07.640 | It's been well said that people don't care about

00:01:11.440 | how much you know unless they know how much you care.

00:01:15.080 | I think that's true in ministry and in all of life

00:01:18.600 | that we want to be known as those who care for other people.

00:01:23.320 | For the simple reason that Jesus cares for people and God the Father cares for us,

00:01:30.840 | and so because we have received such care and compassion from our Heavenly Father,

00:01:36.360 | we want to be ambassadors of Christ and express that care to others in the local church.

00:01:44.000 | I've often prayed for the counseling ministry here at Kindred,

00:01:48.480 | Lord give us a reputation for being caring and compassionate in our ministry.

00:01:55.040 | I've just really prayed that those who know our counseling ministry,

00:02:00.120 | that we would develop a reputation that if you go to counselors in this ministry,

00:02:06.200 | that you will be cared for,

00:02:08.280 | that you will find counselors who listen well,

00:02:11.720 | you will find counselors who are filled with a spirit,

00:02:14.640 | who are merciful and gracious.

00:02:17.400 | We don't want to develop a reputation as a counseling center,

00:02:19.960 | that if you go to that counseling center,

00:02:22.240 | they're going to just beat you over the head with the Bible.

00:02:25.280 | We don't want that for our ministry.

00:02:28.560 | We want to develop a reputation for being those who care for other people,

00:02:34.440 | for the simple reason again,

00:02:36.080 | that that's a reflection of the character of Jesus Christ.

00:02:39.920 | Jesus saw the multitudes and he felt compassion for them.

00:02:45.480 | Tonight's session is a very practical subject.

00:02:49.920 | It is a very necessary subject.

00:02:52.680 | I'm going to say that tonight's subject really isn't a subject that's only

00:02:58.040 | applicable to doing "counseling ministry" in the church.

00:03:04.400 | It really is applicable to all of our relationships.

00:03:08.360 | I mean, if you think about all of the relationships that you have right now,

00:03:12.600 | whether that be your family relationships or relationships in

00:03:16.480 | your community or relationships in your small group or in your church,

00:03:20.840 | if you think about all of the varying relationships that you have in life,

00:03:25.720 | the question would simply be this,

00:03:28.280 | are you known as a caring person?

00:03:32.000 | Would those around you say that you genuinely care for other people's welfare and well-being?

00:03:41.000 | Is that what others would say of you?

00:03:44.280 | Because we don't want to just isolate this to doing "counseling ministry" in the church.

00:03:49.840 | We want to grow in our compassion and our care for other people,

00:03:54.600 | so that when we do have the opportunity to counsel others in the church,

00:03:59.440 | that we have the opportunity to express

00:04:02.520 | the character that the Spirit of God has been producing in us.

00:04:08.520 | Sometimes we do care about other people in the church,

00:04:12.640 | and we do care about other people in our relationships,

00:04:16.440 | in our hearts, but we don't always know how to express that care.

00:04:21.960 | We don't know how to develop the relational skills

00:04:26.480 | that would express that care to other people.

00:04:30.800 | We may care about them in our hearts,

00:04:33.160 | but we don't know, for instance,

00:04:34.680 | how to make the phone call,

00:04:37.000 | or how to write the note,

00:04:38.440 | or how to have the conversation,

00:04:40.160 | or how to set up the appointment for coffee,

00:04:43.400 | or how to create the gift that would express our care for others.

00:04:49.440 | Caring for others is, I would say, a skill.

00:04:53.400 | It is not only something that God puts in our hearts that we want to love other people,

00:05:00.880 | but it's also something we need to develop in terms of our skill set,

00:05:06.480 | in terms of how we actually practically let others know that we care for them.

00:05:11.840 | So tonight's topic is very important,

00:05:14.720 | developing a caring relationship with a counselee,

00:05:18.480 | and I trust that we will be encouraged as well as challenged by tonight's teaching.

00:05:24.680 | So let me pray for us and we will get into our study for tonight. Let's pray.

00:05:30.360 | Father, we do thank you that your word says you care for us,

00:05:34.880 | that we can cast our anxieties upon you

00:05:38.680 | because you are a caring and a loving Heavenly Father

00:05:44.280 | who does meet us where we are in our everyday lives.

00:05:47.720 | We thank you that Christ is a merciful and sympathetic High Priest,

00:05:53.240 | that he literally feels the same things that we do,

00:05:58.520 | for he has been tempted in all things as we are, yet without sin.

00:06:04.840 | Father, we pray that you would help us to understand your mercy and your compassion toward us,

00:06:12.400 | that we would be good representatives of Christ in the counseling ministry that you would give to us,

00:06:20.000 | and then also just in our relationships in everyday life.

00:06:23.120 | Make us caring people, help us to be known by this in our everyday lives,

00:06:30.920 | and may this be the hallmark of our counseling ministry,

00:06:34.320 | that we not only speak the truth, but we do so in love.

00:06:39.440 | Thank you for all my brothers and sisters who have joined us for this class tonight.

00:06:44.960 | Would you bless their training and bless their ministry for we pray this all in Jesus' name. Amen.

00:06:53.640 | Amen. Just stay on a devotional thought for tonight's session.

00:06:58.880 | As we're looking at the subject of developing a caring relationship with a counselee,

00:07:04.400 | one of the books that I would highly recommend to you is the book Dane Ortlund's Gentle and Lowly.

00:07:12.040 | This has been on the top 10, I believe, lists of many biblical counseling resources

00:07:20.240 | that the biblical counseling world has kind of embraced this book

00:07:23.920 | and has put this in the hands of biblical counselors.

00:07:27.880 | It's not specifically a biblical counseling book,

00:07:32.480 | but it is applicable to so much of what we do in counseling ministry.

00:07:37.160 | I was just talking to some of the brothers today after church of how this book is rocking our worlds,

00:07:43.880 | just saying some amazing things about Christ and about who Jesus is and how we need to reflect his character.

00:07:54.680 | And I just commend this book to you.

00:07:56.480 | And I think that some of the insights in Ortlund's book is applicable to our discussion tonight.

00:08:03.840 | And so he writes, and this is a reflection on Matthew 11, verses 28 to 30,

00:08:08.360 | where Jesus says, "Come unto me, all who labor and who are heavy laden, and I will give you rest."

00:08:15.160 | And as you know, that text says, "I am gentle and lowly of heart."

00:08:21.560 | And Ortlund reflects on this passage, and he says,

00:08:24.200 | "In the one place in the Bible where the Son of God pulls back the veil

00:08:27.480 | and lets us peer way down into the core of who he is,

00:08:31.520 | we're not told that he is austere and demanding in heart.

00:08:35.560 | We're not told that he is exalted and dignified in heart.

00:08:40.480 | We're not even told that he is joyful and generous in heart.

00:08:45.160 | Letting Jesus set the terms, his surprising claim is that he is gentle and lowly in heart."

00:08:53.040 | And he continues that one thing to get straight right from the start is that when the Bible speaks of the heart,

00:09:01.000 | whether Old Testament or new, it is not speaking of our emotional life only,

00:09:06.440 | but of the central animating center of all we do.

00:09:12.760 | Speaking of the heart, it is what gets us out of bed in the morning

00:09:15.760 | and what we daydream about as we drift off to sleep.

00:09:18.240 | It is our motivation headquarters.

00:09:21.000 | The heart in biblical terms is not part of who we are, but the center of who we are.

00:09:26.400 | Our heart is what defines and directs us.

00:09:30.440 | The heart is a matter of life.

00:09:32.160 | It is what makes us the human being each of us is.

00:09:35.880 | The heart drives all we do.

00:09:37.800 | It is who we are.

00:09:39.000 | And if you've been with us in our year one biblical counseling training,

00:09:42.600 | at this point, you should be saying amen and amen.

00:09:45.600 | We have learned of the importance of the biblical concept of the heart.

00:09:51.120 | It is out of the heart that flows the issues of life.

00:09:56.800 | Now Orlin takes that concept of the heart and he makes this astounding observation

00:10:05.120 | that Jesus in this text describes his own heart.

00:10:11.720 | This is the one time in scripture that we find Jesus tell us what is his heart like

00:10:18.800 | in terms of a direct explanation of what is his heart like

00:10:25.600 | and what can his heart be compared to.

00:10:29.000 | So Orlin writes, when Jesus tells us what animates him most deeply,

00:10:33.240 | what is most true of him, when he exposes the innermost recesses of his being,

00:10:38.200 | what we find there is gentle and lowly.

00:10:43.680 | I am gentle, Jesus says.

00:10:46.680 | Jesus is not trigger happy, not harsh, reactionary, easily exasperated.

00:10:53.840 | He is the most understanding person in the universe.

00:10:58.800 | Think about that for a moment, brothers and sisters,

00:11:02.160 | as we reflect on the character of Christ.

00:11:06.320 | Jesus is the most understanding person in the universe.

00:11:11.520 | The posture most natural to him is not a pointed finger, but open arms.

00:11:20.320 | Or that God might raise up biblical counselors in the church

00:11:24.480 | who reflect something of this character.

00:11:29.600 | Counselors who are understanding and whose posture is not that of a pointed finger,

00:11:38.120 | but the posture of open arms for those who come for counseling.

00:11:44.840 | He reflects on the statement, I am lowly of heart.

00:11:48.160 | The meaning of the word lowly overlaps with that of gentle,

00:11:52.200 | together communicating a single reality about Jesus's heart.

00:11:56.560 | The point in saying that Jesus is lowly is that he is accessible

00:12:03.360 | for all his resplendent glory and dazzling holiness,

00:12:07.520 | his supreme uniqueness and otherness.

00:12:09.680 | No one in history, in human history has ever been more approachable than Jesus Christ.

00:12:19.360 | No prerequisites, no hoops to jump through.

00:12:25.320 | Again, as I reflect on the character of Christ,

00:12:29.520 | it is on one hand a truth that ought to drive us to worship,

00:12:34.440 | but also a truth that ought to have us reflect on our own ministry.

00:12:42.360 | Does our character reflect something of the sweetness of Christ?

00:12:47.960 | And as we relate to others, would others say of us that we are approachable?

00:12:54.680 | No prerequisites, no hoops to jump through.

00:13:00.360 | Gentle and lowly, this is, according to his own testimony, is Christ's very heart.

00:13:06.880 | This is who he is, tender, open, welcoming, accommodating, understanding, willing.

00:13:17.880 | If we are asked to say only one thing about who Jesus is,

00:13:21.520 | we would be honoring Jesus's own teaching if our answer is gentle and lowly.

00:13:28.280 | If Jesus hosted his own personal website,

00:13:31.760 | the most prominent line of the "About Me" dropdown would read,

00:13:35.680 | "Gentle and lowly in heart."

00:13:39.240 | Just a beautiful reflection of the loveliness of Christ.

00:13:44.600 | And if you're getting a taste of what this book is about,

00:13:49.600 | you would understand why it was ranked in the top 10 of biblical counseling resources

00:13:58.120 | of the last year.

00:14:01.560 | Those beautiful descriptions of who Christ is

00:14:05.560 | are at the center of counseling ministry as well,

00:14:08.720 | to be Christ-centered in our counseling ministries,

00:14:12.160 | to express something of this character.

00:14:15.560 | Tenderness, openness, welcoming, accommodating, understanding, willing.

00:14:24.720 | Not with the pointed finger of self-righteous judgment,

00:14:30.280 | but the gentle and lowly character of Christ.

00:14:35.280 | I think you can see how this brief reflection on Christ's character

00:14:41.240 | is applicable for our topic tonight.

00:14:46.160 | Because as we look at counseling exam number two,

00:14:49.720 | the question is simply this, "Describe at least six biblical strategies

00:14:54.800 | to develop a caring relationship with your counselees."

00:14:59.160 | We're talking here about caring for people.

00:15:04.400 | The question asks you to clearly identify each strategy

00:15:07.760 | and ground its use in specific passages of Scripture,

00:15:11.560 | explaining its practical utility in building a relationship.

00:15:18.560 | And we are going to get into the nuts and bolts

00:15:21.080 | of how we are to express care for people,

00:15:26.120 | and also the nuts and bolts of how we should write this essay

00:15:30.640 | in counseling exam number two.

00:15:34.040 | But just for a moment, I want you to reflect on the gentleness

00:15:40.560 | and the lowliness of Christ's heart.

00:15:42.440 | Is this not what we are called to do in counseling ministry?

00:15:46.960 | And not just in counseling ministry, but in every relationship

00:15:49.720 | God has given to us on this earth.

00:15:53.480 | Are we not called to express this type of gentleness, kindness,

00:16:00.160 | respect, humility, servanthood,

00:16:05.760 | considering others more important than ourselves,

00:16:10.240 | approachability, welcoming, not a judgmental spirit,

00:16:16.880 | but a spirit that hopes the best, believes the best?

00:16:22.920 | Are we not called to express this type of character?

00:16:26.800 | And if we do, will not those around us say of us

00:16:31.800 | that this person really does care about me?

00:16:38.080 | I've been amazed in counseling ministry

00:16:39.840 | that when our counselors, and even in a small way,

00:16:44.120 | when I've had the privilege of counseling other believers

00:16:46.840 | and when you really do let them know that you care about them,

00:16:53.400 | how disarming that is, how barriers fall down,

00:16:59.520 | how people's guards drop,

00:17:02.480 | and they start to open up about their lives

00:17:06.600 | and they start to let you address the issues of the heart.

00:17:11.520 | Often in counseling, I'll ask the question

00:17:14.840 | and those who have observed me counsel have said this of me,

00:17:18.280 | that I'll often ask for permission.

00:17:21.520 | Is it okay if I address you with the Word of God?

00:17:26.640 | Are you comfortable with talking about this issue of your life

00:17:30.840 | in light of God's Word?

00:17:34.000 | And it is amazing that when counselees really are assured

00:17:39.680 | of your care for them, how they'll say, "Let's go at it.

00:17:42.760 | Let's deal with the issues."

00:17:45.440 | And I've observed that with our other counselors as well.

00:17:48.120 | When they show that they care, people are open.

00:17:51.920 | True and genuine care for people is powerful.

00:17:58.520 | People respond to that type of love and compassion,

00:18:02.040 | and they will be open to hearing some really hard truths

00:18:06.720 | if you show them that you really do care about them.

00:18:13.040 | And so this question is dealing with developing

00:18:16.040 | that caring relationship,

00:18:17.480 | and it's talking about six biblical strategies

00:18:21.520 | to develop that type of care.

00:18:23.520 | Now, what I'm going to do in our teaching tonight

00:18:26.920 | is I'm going to give you a laundry list

00:18:29.880 | of biblical strategies.

00:18:32.320 | I'm just going to give you a number of different things

00:18:34.560 | that you can consider.

00:18:35.640 | I'm not going to be able to go into each of them

00:18:39.080 | in great detail, but what I want to do

00:18:40.680 | is kind of prime the pump and give you some ideas

00:18:44.520 | as to the strategies that you can employ

00:18:48.040 | in developing a caring relationship with your counselees.

00:18:52.560 | And what you're going to do in this essay

00:18:54.440 | is you're going to pick six of maybe,

00:18:58.000 | as you're thinking through these strategies,

00:19:00.520 | the Lord will direct you to six of these strategies

00:19:04.120 | that you find to be most applicable in your own life,

00:19:06.760 | or maybe even the most challenging in your own life,

00:19:09.880 | and then write about these six strategies.

00:19:13.000 | You would do well to write a six-paragraph essay

00:19:15.920 | for this topic, just a paragraph for each strategy,

00:19:20.240 | and just make it real simple.

00:19:22.120 | Each paragraph would have the strategy,

00:19:24.760 | some passages of scripture,

00:19:27.760 | which talk about the importance of that strategy,

00:19:30.840 | and then how practically that would show itself

00:19:33.800 | in your counseling ministry.

00:19:35.680 | So we're looking at six biblical strategies

00:19:37.900 | to develop a caring relationship.

00:19:41.480 | Now, before we go any further, let me just orient you

00:19:46.400 | and show you the forest before we look at the trees.

00:19:50.720 | You'll remember this slide from last week's teaching.

00:19:54.020 | In last week's teaching,

00:19:55.840 | we looked at the six key elements of biblical counseling,

00:19:59.100 | or what we call the six I's of biblical counseling.

00:20:03.200 | These are the practical skills

00:20:06.600 | that we employ in counseling,

00:20:08.560 | and we really do evaluate a counselor's practical methods

00:20:13.560 | according to the six I's of biblical counseling.

00:20:16.760 | I sent you a case study and a role-play assignment

00:20:21.400 | that I did with a couple of our counselors,

00:20:23.900 | and I'll send you another one this upcoming week.

00:20:27.440 | And as the counselor did the role-play,

00:20:31.120 | what we tell them beforehand

00:20:34.280 | is that we're going to evaluate your counseling skills

00:20:37.440 | according to the six I's.

00:20:39.560 | We're gonna ask the question,

00:20:41.360 | is the counselor showing involvement?

00:20:44.320 | Is there good inventory, good questions being asked?

00:20:48.040 | Is there biblical discernment being applied?

00:20:50.640 | Does the counselor give hope?

00:20:52.760 | Does the counselor open God's word?

00:20:55.120 | And is there homework assigned?

00:20:57.280 | We're evaluating the counselor's ministry

00:21:00.600 | according to the six I's of counseling.

00:21:03.300 | And so what I would encourage you to do

00:21:04.720 | as you do counseling observation,

00:21:07.080 | and even as you may have done the IBCD

00:21:10.520 | 10 hours of counseling observation,

00:21:12.600 | or if you have the opportunities to observe live counseling,

00:21:15.800 | what I would encourage you to do is not just say,

00:21:18.560 | well, I like what that counselor did,

00:21:20.400 | or I didn't like what that counselor did,

00:21:22.480 | or I like this counselor, I don't like this counselor.

00:21:25.520 | What I would encourage you to do

00:21:26.720 | is evaluate how a counselor is

00:21:31.720 | showing the six I's of biblical counseling

00:21:34.520 | in his or her counseling ministry.

00:21:38.120 | Be asking the questions,

00:21:39.440 | does this counselor demonstrate care and compassion?

00:21:43.560 | Does this counselor ask good questions

00:21:46.240 | and seek to understand the counselee's situation?

00:21:51.240 | Does this counselor give hope?

00:21:53.440 | Has the counselor taken the counselee to the word of God

00:21:57.120 | and opened the Bible?

00:21:58.960 | So be asking the questions that are related

00:22:01.520 | to the six I's of biblical counseling,

00:22:04.260 | and that will help you to evaluate

00:22:07.100 | as you observe other counselors,

00:22:08.760 | and even to evaluate your own counseling.

00:22:11.400 | We are always asking these questions is,

00:22:14.680 | am I growing in the six key elements of biblical counseling?

00:22:19.100 | And am I showing these elements in my counseling ministry?

00:22:24.100 | So we did an overview of that last week

00:22:27.040 | for session number one,

00:22:28.920 | and I told you that for counseling essay number one,

00:22:32.620 | you would do well to write an essay

00:22:35.240 | on four of the six I's of biblical counseling,

00:22:39.320 | that you're really just taking one key element

00:22:44.080 | in each paragraph and writing a four-paragraph essay

00:22:49.260 | if that's one suggestive way to write this essay

00:22:53.340 | is a four-paragraph essay,

00:22:54.740 | one on each I of the key elements of biblical counseling.

00:22:59.740 | And that would be a strategy to write essay number one.

00:23:04.220 | You're really taking one key element at a time

00:23:08.200 | and doing a brief overview of four to five

00:23:11.780 | of the six key elements of biblical counseling.

00:23:16.660 | Now, just to show you the context

00:23:18.380 | of what we're gonna do tonight is in essay number two,

00:23:22.860 | what we're doing is we're zeroing in

00:23:25.360 | on the first key element of biblical counseling,

00:23:28.820 | which is the element of involvement.

00:23:32.340 | So essay number one,

00:23:34.740 | you've kind of done an overview

00:23:37.260 | of four of the six I's of biblical counseling.

00:23:40.540 | For essay number two,

00:23:41.780 | you're zeroing in on the first key element,

00:23:45.120 | which is involvement,

00:23:46.900 | and then showing six strategies or practical applications

00:23:51.900 | of the key element of involvement.

00:23:55.660 | So I hope that makes sense.

00:23:56.660 | I just wanna orient you as to the flow of these essays

00:23:59.940 | and where we are in considering

00:24:02.580 | the six key elements of biblical counseling.

00:24:06.360 | So the question would be,

00:24:08.340 | why are we writing an entire essay on involvement?

00:24:12.820 | Why of the six I's of biblical counseling

00:24:16.040 | does involvement get its own essay?

00:24:19.420 | And there are a number of ways we can answer that question,

00:24:23.400 | but I think on a practical level,

00:24:25.760 | this would be admittedly maybe some of the weaknesses

00:24:30.000 | of the biblical counseling movement up to this point

00:24:33.200 | is to be known more for truth than being known for love.

00:24:39.120 | And the biblical balance is always speaking the truth

00:24:42.220 | in love, Ephesians chapter four.

00:24:44.340 | We need to hold those two in balance.

00:24:46.700 | We believe in the authority

00:24:48.580 | and the sufficiency of God's word,

00:24:50.420 | and we also want to express love and care for people.

00:24:55.420 | And so I think this essay is very important in our training

00:24:59.340 | because it causes us to reflect on our relational skills

00:25:04.340 | and are we speaking to others the truth

00:25:08.160 | in the context of a loving, caring, respectful relationship.

00:25:13.160 | And I think that's a necessary balance for our ministry.

00:25:19.340 | So we are dealing with the subject of involvement.

00:25:24.880 | So to help us with this on page one of your handout,

00:25:31.660 | I have a few resources that I think will be helpful for you.

00:25:35.640 | I have Wayne Mack's Developing a Helping Relationship

00:25:39.620 | with Counselees, which is a PDF

00:25:42.000 | that I sent to you this week.

00:25:44.220 | You can also find that material in the work

00:25:48.380 | that was edited by John MacArthur,

00:25:50.300 | Counseling, How to Counsel Biblically.

00:25:53.180 | Wayne Mack has a chapter in there

00:25:54.980 | on developing a helping relationship with a counselee,

00:25:59.060 | and it's essentially the same material.

00:26:00.460 | You can either read the journal article

00:26:02.740 | or you can get the printed book,

00:26:04.980 | but that essay really is all that you really need

00:26:09.540 | to write this essay.

00:26:10.560 | He gives you a laundry list of different ways

00:26:13.300 | to develop this relationship,

00:26:14.760 | and it's just a very, very helpful resource.

00:26:19.260 | And so do star that resource.

00:26:21.780 | That would be an essential resource to write this essay

00:26:26.700 | and one that I would highly encourage

00:26:28.660 | that you read and apply to life.

00:26:32.060 | In addition, I would encourage you

00:26:33.500 | to get Jeremy Pierre and Mark Shaw's chapter

00:26:37.500 | in the book, Christ-Centered Biblical Counseling,

00:26:40.940 | which is entitled,

00:26:41.780 | The Nature of the Biblical Counseling Relationship.

00:26:45.140 | Just some excellent supplementary reading

00:26:48.140 | on that subject that will also prime the pump

00:26:52.100 | to help us to understand the key element of involvement.

00:26:58.260 | One additional resource that I would recommend to you

00:27:02.260 | is Paul Tripp's Instruments in the Redeemer's Hands,

00:27:06.540 | chapter seven and chapter eight.

00:27:09.340 | Those two chapters deal with the key element of involvement.

00:27:13.780 | Tripp doesn't call it involvement.

00:27:15.500 | He has the overview of love, know, speak, do.

00:27:20.500 | As we mentioned in year one,

00:27:22.620 | that's sort of an alternate way

00:27:23.900 | to talk about the key elements of biblical counseling,

00:27:28.100 | but he categorizes it under the heading of love,

00:27:32.580 | which is essentially the same thing we're trying to do.

00:27:35.620 | So you can read chapter seven and chapter eight

00:27:39.060 | of Paul Tripp's Instruments in the Redeemer's Hands

00:27:41.820 | as review, and that will help you to write this essay

00:27:46.380 | as well.

00:27:47.460 | So just some resources there that will help you

00:27:51.200 | to think through the issue of involvement.

00:27:55.460 | Now, let me move to page two of your notes for tonight

00:28:00.460 | and just restate the definition of involvement,

00:28:03.760 | and then we'll talk about practical strategies in a moment.

00:28:08.460 | We saw in our year one training

00:28:10.000 | that involvement can be defined as the ministry

00:28:13.340 | of expressing Christlike love and compassion

00:28:17.200 | so that a relationship can be built,

00:28:19.500 | marked by trust and openness.

00:28:22.660 | Involvement is the ministry of expressing Christlike love

00:28:27.660 | and compassion so that a relationship can be built,

00:28:32.520 | marked by trust and openness.

00:28:35.140 | As we stated in year one,

00:28:37.780 | biblical counseling then is not a clinical type of ministry.

00:28:42.780 | It's not you as a professional counselor

00:28:46.900 | dispensing information from on high,

00:28:50.540 | but it is coming alongside a fellow brother or sister

00:28:54.180 | in Christ and loving them as a blood-bought believer

00:28:59.180 | in the Lord Jesus Christ,

00:29:01.420 | loving them as a brother or sister in the Lord,

00:29:05.180 | being a fellow member of the body of Christ

00:29:08.140 | and showing the type of mercy and compassion

00:29:12.340 | that the Lord would express in his own ministry.

00:29:17.460 | And so this is the key element of involvement.

00:29:21.380 | And we looked at key passages

00:29:22.800 | such as 1 Thessalonians 2, verse seven,

00:29:25.700 | Paul's own expression of compassion and gentleness.

00:29:30.380 | He said of his ministry to the Thessalonians in verse seven,

00:29:34.020 | "We were gentle among you,

00:29:36.340 | like a nursing mother taking care of her own children.

00:29:39.840 | So being affectionately desirous of you,

00:29:42.900 | we're ready to share with you not only the gospel of God,

00:29:46.300 | but our own selves,

00:29:48.420 | because you had become very dear to us."

00:29:52.160 | I don't know any way to do this in any other way.

00:29:57.160 | You will love your counselees

00:30:02.540 | and you will find that you not only love your counselees,

00:30:06.540 | you will find that you like your counselees.

00:30:10.300 | You will be sad when the counseling sessions end.

00:30:14.620 | Your counselees will be sad when the counseling sessions end

00:30:19.620 | because this is just New Testament ministry.

00:30:23.540 | I think any true believer in Christ filled with the spirit

00:30:27.220 | and filled with the love for Christ

00:30:28.700 | will love other believers in Christ

00:30:31.540 | who serve the same Lord and have the same spirit.

00:30:36.460 | And so Paul says,

00:30:37.300 | "We didn't just dispense information to you.

00:30:40.020 | We loved you.

00:30:41.020 | We were affectionate towards you.

00:30:44.460 | We had a genuine desire to serve you in the Lord."

00:30:48.920 | And he even goes on to say in verse 20,

00:30:50.640 | "For what is our hope or joy or crown

00:30:53.300 | or boasting before the Lord Jesus at his coming?

00:30:56.920 | Is it not you?

00:30:59.080 | For you are our glory and joy."

00:31:01.860 | I mean, what a thought that some of your counselees

00:31:05.180 | in the future will be your grounds of boasting

00:31:08.340 | before the Lord at his coming.

00:31:11.500 | You make an investment in people's souls

00:31:14.060 | and souls live forever.

00:31:17.780 | And there may be Lord willing,

00:31:19.980 | those who are saved through the counseling ministry

00:31:24.020 | that you will be engaged in,

00:31:25.680 | or those who are saved and who will be sanctified

00:31:29.460 | as a result of you reaching out into their lives.

00:31:34.180 | And when Jesus returns, that fruit will be lasting.

00:31:38.460 | There are many things that you can invest in,

00:31:40.860 | in this life that really have little or no eternal value.

00:31:45.860 | But when you invest in souls, souls live forever.

00:31:51.580 | And so what a thought that those you invest in,

00:31:54.580 | in this ministry may be the grounds of your boasting

00:31:58.360 | at the coming of the Lord Jesus Christ.

00:32:02.020 | So we don't merely fix problems.

00:32:06.560 | Can I put it that way?

00:32:08.260 | We minister to people.

00:32:11.260 | We're not problem oriented.

00:32:13.500 | We are people oriented.

00:32:16.300 | As Dr. Robert Jones has well said,

00:32:18.380 | I don't counsel anxiety.

00:32:21.460 | I don't counsel anger.

00:32:23.160 | I don't counsel depression.

00:32:25.840 | I counsel Bill.

00:32:28.100 | And Bill may struggle with anxiety and anger,

00:32:35.020 | but I'm ministering to this person.

00:32:38.500 | God has given to me this privilege of serving this person.

00:32:42.760 | We tell our counselees, it is a privilege to serve you.

00:32:46.740 | And it really is.

00:32:49.020 | It's a privilege to walk alongside you in ministry.

00:32:53.180 | What a privilege to be part of a ministry

00:32:56.820 | where people come to this ministry

00:33:00.660 | and they share openly about their lives.

00:33:05.140 | They tell you what they're struggling with.

00:33:08.840 | They open up their heart to you

00:33:11.180 | and you have an opportunity to speak the truth and love.

00:33:15.800 | I mean, what a privilege

00:33:18.020 | to walk alongside others in this way.

00:33:21.660 | And it is just a joy.

00:33:25.180 | It's a privilege to serve you.

00:33:26.820 | And so I don't counsel problems.

00:33:31.100 | I counsel people.

00:33:33.940 | And those people become very near and dear to your heart.

00:33:38.940 | I've noticed that some of our counselors

00:33:41.700 | that we've trained in this ministry

00:33:42.940 | who really are just great.

00:33:45.100 | They have far outpaced my own ability to counsel.

00:33:51.620 | They have taken what I've taught them

00:33:55.100 | and they've just ran with it.

00:33:57.540 | And just what a joy to see them thrive in this ministry.

00:34:01.780 | And then to also see that these counselors

00:34:04.000 | have a hard time getting off campus on Sunday

00:34:06.420 | because they've so honed and refined some of these skills

00:34:11.580 | of showing care for others

00:34:14.500 | that so many people just need ministry

00:34:17.500 | and they know where to find a caring counselor.

00:34:21.780 | And so it's a godly struggle.

00:34:24.500 | It's a good struggle,

00:34:25.660 | but just these counselors will say to me,

00:34:29.620 | "Dan, I have trouble getting off campus on Sunday

00:34:32.900 | because people come to me now for ministry."

00:34:36.180 | And what a privilege, what a joy.

00:34:37.980 | If you develop a reputation for being a caring counselor,

00:34:42.100 | you will have that type of ministry in people's lives.

00:34:46.020 | So we minister to people.

00:34:47.820 | We don't just fix problems.

00:34:51.220 | We're in the people business,

00:34:53.740 | which means we have to learn relational skills.

00:34:57.460 | Some of us are more wired towards studying the Bible

00:35:00.420 | and we just know a lot of truth

00:35:02.140 | and we know a lot of theology,

00:35:05.880 | but we're mean and unkind

00:35:09.020 | and we can be short with people and impatient

00:35:11.740 | and we need to really learn the relational side of ministry.

00:35:15.700 | And others of us are just wired for relationships

00:35:19.460 | and we just love people,

00:35:21.500 | but our counseling does not have enough theology

00:35:24.940 | and we need to work hard on the other side

00:35:27.580 | of studying the Bible and learning the truth of God.

00:35:31.680 | It's truth and love.

00:35:34.200 | So if you look at the middle of that handout

00:35:37.260 | or further down, I'm gonna skip some of those quotations,

00:35:39.780 | but Proverbs 27, verse six is a really good summary,

00:35:44.420 | I think, of the essence of counseling ministry,

00:35:47.380 | where the proverb says, "Faithful are the wounds of a friend."

00:35:52.380 | You wanna be that friend to others in ministry.

00:35:58.740 | Verse nine says, "Oil and perfume make the heart glad

00:36:02.340 | "and the sweetness of a friend

00:36:04.920 | "comes from his earnest counsel."

00:36:08.620 | I have counselors in my life.

00:36:12.940 | Some people think that once you become a pastor,

00:36:15.380 | you never need anyone to counsel you

00:36:17.120 | and that's far from the truth.

00:36:20.020 | Counselors need other counselors

00:36:23.380 | and I have counselors in my life who are dear friends.

00:36:28.380 | They give earnest counsel and they love me in the Lord

00:36:33.260 | and I trust them with my life.

00:36:36.500 | I have no problem opening up to them

00:36:39.100 | about what's going on with my spiritual walk

00:36:42.300 | and what's going on with my family

00:36:44.060 | and what's going on with my ministry

00:36:46.620 | because I know that they have given me earnest counsel,

00:36:51.340 | that they are good friends to me

00:36:55.040 | and I pray that I may be that type of friend to others

00:36:59.540 | and that you might be that type of friend to others

00:37:03.440 | who need that type of earnest counsel.

00:37:06.600 | And so the sweetness of a friend

00:37:10.640 | comes from his earnest counsel.

00:37:14.320 | And then I try to remind myself,

00:37:16.160 | this again is just basic New Testament ministry.

00:37:19.620 | This is not just counseling ministry,

00:37:22.320 | this is just being a New Testament believer.

00:37:25.600 | Romans 12, verse 10,

00:37:26.660 | "Love one another with brotherly affection,

00:37:30.360 | "outdo one another in showing honor.

00:37:33.440 | "Do not be slothful and zeal,

00:37:35.060 | "be fervent in spirit, serve the Lord.

00:37:38.020 | "Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation,

00:37:41.200 | "be constant in prayer,

00:37:43.680 | "contribute to the needs of the saints

00:37:45.380 | "and seek to show hospitality.

00:37:47.160 | "Bless those who persecute you,

00:37:49.720 | "bless and do not curse them.

00:37:51.780 | "Rejoice with those who rejoice,

00:37:53.460 | "weep with those who weep."

00:37:54.760 | I mean, if our counselors

00:37:56.480 | just followed those basic New Testament commands,

00:38:01.200 | we would exercise a very powerful ministry by God's grace.

00:38:06.200 | I try to remind myself when I counsel

00:38:09.700 | that I'm a member of the body of Christ

00:38:12.460 | and I counsel as an expression of the body of Christ,

00:38:16.360 | which means I have the responsibility

00:38:19.160 | of representing Christ.

00:38:21.640 | Not just giving correct information,

00:38:23.880 | but representing his character, his methods,

00:38:28.360 | his ways, his perspective, his outlook on life.

00:38:32.640 | How would Jesus see this person

00:38:35.920 | who is coming for counseling ministry?

00:38:38.840 | And if I am a member of his body

00:38:42.120 | and if he is the head of that body,

00:38:44.120 | then I have a responsibility

00:38:46.040 | to reflect something of his character

00:38:49.760 | and his perspective and his outlook.

00:38:53.360 | And I've given that privilege

00:38:56.080 | to be an expression of the body of Christ.

00:39:01.080 | I pray that that would be true of you as well.

00:39:05.000 | If you move to page three of your handout,

00:39:09.360 | this is an overview of the relational qualities

00:39:13.880 | that reflect the character of Christ.

00:39:15.600 | We cover this in year one.

00:39:17.680 | We're not gonna go into this in any detail,

00:39:20.120 | but just looking down that list,

00:39:22.880 | I can't read this list of compassion, humility,

00:39:26.440 | gentleness, patience, so forth and so on.

00:39:29.000 | I can't ever read that list

00:39:30.360 | without being challenged in my own life, can you?

00:39:33.180 | ACBC has actually listed on their website,

00:39:39.320 | they have a document that's called

00:39:40.920 | Standards of Conduct for Biblical Counselors.

00:39:44.880 | And I remember Dr. Stuart Scott encouraging anyone

00:39:49.320 | who is in counseling ministry to review that

00:39:52.040 | at least on a yearly basis.

00:39:54.180 | And he was remarking that it is impossible

00:39:59.040 | to read through that document

00:40:00.800 | without being challenged afresh and anew

00:40:04.960 | of just ways that we need to grow,

00:40:08.080 | of being even rebuked and corrected,

00:40:11.560 | reproved as to our lack of showing these qualities

00:40:15.480 | in our everyday lives.

00:40:17.760 | And so I just encourage you to be constantly

00:40:21.880 | reviewing these things and challenging yourself,

00:40:24.320 | how can I better express the character of Christ?

00:40:28.560 | With that said, just as an overview,

00:40:34.120 | I just wanna mention this for a moment.

00:40:36.120 | ACBC Standards of Conduct has an entire section

00:40:39.760 | on commitment to care.

00:40:41.880 | I didn't put this in your notes,

00:40:43.360 | but you can find this on their website,

00:40:45.700 | or I'll send out a link to you this week.

00:40:48.440 | And just the basic statement there,

00:40:50.880 | without going into much detail,

00:40:52.320 | that the call to engage in counseling conversations

00:40:55.240 | is the call to love others well.

00:40:59.140 | And they're just trying to summarize this basic idea

00:41:03.960 | that we are called not only to communicate truth,

00:41:08.160 | we are called to love people and to express care.

00:41:13.040 | And they have four different areas

00:41:15.380 | that I'll briefly review.

00:41:17.920 | Caring for counselors and sacrificing time for them.

00:41:21.080 | You have caring for counselors

00:41:26.140 | through tangible acts of care.

00:41:29.340 | You have caring for counselors in deciding

00:41:32.520 | whether or not to charge fees for counseling.

00:41:36.000 | Our own counseling ministry

00:41:37.160 | does not charge fees for counseling.

00:41:39.560 | In the ACBC world generally,

00:41:41.940 | we do not charge fees for counseling.

00:41:43.880 | There are some situations where charging a fee

00:41:47.240 | or a suggested donation might be appropriate,

00:41:49.600 | but they're just saying there

00:41:51.020 | that you wanna communicate that clearly

00:41:52.920 | what policy you have on charging fees.

00:41:56.480 | And then they have a statement on caring for counselees

00:42:00.080 | in protecting the weak from harm.

00:42:01.760 | And I would just encourage you

00:42:02.720 | to think through that document and read that,

00:42:07.440 | and you can get more detail on that from the website.

00:42:11.200 | Let me move then to page, I believe this is page number four.

00:42:17.620 | And what I'm gonna do here as just an overview

00:42:22.840 | is I'm gonna give you in summary,

00:42:26.380 | Wayne Mac has 18 strategies

00:42:29.000 | to develop a caring relationship.

00:42:31.820 | If you read the chapter in Christ-Centered Biblical Counseling

00:42:34.700 | by Jeremy Pierre and Mark Shaw,

00:42:36.360 | they have 10 strategies

00:42:38.560 | for developing a caring relationship.

00:42:41.720 | And then I've developed just from my own experience

00:42:45.160 | and observing counselors in our own counseling ministry,

00:42:48.720 | I've developed 13 strategies

00:42:50.680 | for developing a caring relationship.

00:42:52.560 | So if you add all that up, 18, 10, and 13,

00:42:56.520 | we have potentially 41 practical strategies

00:43:00.320 | for developing a caring relationship

00:43:02.140 | in this document and in our course notes.

00:43:05.500 | Now, you only need six to write an essay on this subject.

00:43:10.500 | So what I would encourage you to do

00:43:12.200 | is we're gonna just go rapid pace and just bullet point,

00:43:14.940 | here are some strategies,

00:43:16.160 | and you'll find that many of them overlap in some ways,

00:43:19.380 | but just pick out as we walk through this,

00:43:22.120 | what are the six strategies that you find most interesting

00:43:26.740 | or the most convicting or the most challenging,

00:43:29.580 | or maybe you haven't thought about that strategy before,

00:43:33.100 | and you want to just do some more reflection on that.

00:43:36.900 | Choose six, and you can even star them as we go along.

00:43:40.620 | We're gonna go fairly rapidly,

00:43:44.020 | but we'll just go through as an overview

00:43:46.940 | some of these strategies,

00:43:48.620 | and then for your essay purposes,

00:43:50.700 | choose six and do a further study on those six strategies.

00:43:57.780 | And I hope this will prime the pump

00:43:59.100 | for you to write this essay.

00:44:01.040 | So let me go through some of Wayne Mack's 18 strategies,

00:44:06.040 | and you will find this on his document

00:44:09.380 | or his journal article,

00:44:11.500 | "Developing a Caring Relationship with a Counselee."

00:44:15.380 | He says, "Strategy number one is think about

00:44:17.980 | "how you would feel if you were in the counselee's position.

00:44:21.200 | "Jesus showed compassion.

00:44:24.040 | "Compassion is your pain in my heart,

00:44:26.560 | "and so placing yourself in the position of a counselee,

00:44:30.620 | "seeing the world through their eyes."

00:44:32.960 | We talked about in year one,

00:44:35.500 | the whole idea of if you're a five-year-old,

00:44:38.760 | and if you've lost a blanket,

00:44:41.020 | you've lost your world, you've lost your security,

00:44:46.220 | you've lost what you hold dear,

00:44:48.920 | and maybe a 45-year-old would look at that five-year-old

00:44:52.040 | and say, "Hey, it's not a big deal.

00:44:53.800 | "It's just a blanket.

00:44:55.420 | "We can get you another blanket."

00:44:57.920 | But entering that person's world

00:45:00.360 | means not seeing the blanket

00:45:02.960 | through the eyes of a 45-year-old adult,

00:45:06.360 | but seeing that blanket through the eyes of the five-year-old

00:45:10.860 | who has just lost his or her blanket.

00:45:14.700 | And that's essentially a strategy

00:45:16.620 | for developing a caring relationship

00:45:19.320 | is seeing life through the eyes of a counselee.

00:45:23.000 | Number two, think of the counselee as a family member.

00:45:28.000 | When I counsel, I try to ask the question

00:45:31.560 | if my wife or my son or my daughter

00:45:34.480 | were to really need counseling,

00:45:40.040 | and if they were to go to a biblical counselor,

00:45:44.160 | what would I want that counselor to be like?

00:45:48.000 | What type of care would I want that counselor

00:45:50.500 | to express to my son or my daughter?

00:45:53.500 | And then I try to be that type of counselor to this person,

00:45:59.580 | because I need to be reminded

00:46:04.020 | this person is someone's son or daughter.

00:46:08.180 | And so think of the counselee as a family member.

00:46:14.060 | How would you treat one of your close relatives?

00:46:18.660 | What tone of voice would you use?

00:46:20.860 | What words would you use?

00:46:22.580 | What approach would you use to help that person?

00:46:27.580 | In reality, our counselees are

00:46:31.500 | our spiritual brothers and sisters in Christ.

00:46:34.900 | Number three, think about your own sinfulness.

00:46:38.400 | Always remind yourself

00:46:42.220 | that you are not immune to sin yourself.

00:46:44.860 | Be on guard against the spirit of self-righteousness

00:46:49.060 | that says, "Well, I would never sin in this way,"

00:46:51.860 | or, "I would never do what this counselee has done."

00:46:54.900 | I think one of the greatest ways

00:46:58.500 | to hinder a caring relationship

00:47:00.260 | is to allow self-righteousness to grow in your heart,

00:47:03.460 | is to go home after a counseling session and say,

00:47:05.180 | "Boy, my counselee is just way out there.

00:47:10.180 | "They have strayed so far.

00:47:12.900 | "I would never do that.

00:47:15.820 | "Oh, really?"

00:47:16.960 | Theologically, is that true?

00:47:19.960 | Each of us have a sin nature,

00:47:25.040 | and it is by the grace of God

00:47:28.180 | that we have been protected from certain sins,

00:47:32.620 | and so if we have made any progress in our sanctification,

00:47:36.040 | we should say with Paul, "By the grace of God,

00:47:38.620 | "I am what I am."

00:47:41.700 | So think about your own sinfulness

00:47:43.520 | when you're tempted to judge.

00:47:44.820 | Number four, think of practical ways to show compassion,

00:47:48.460 | telling your counselee that you care.

00:47:50.740 | I don't think people will ever hear that too much.

00:47:55.580 | There are certain things that people never tire of.

00:48:00.260 | I don't think there's ever a problem

00:48:04.080 | with a counselee that I've had

00:48:08.000 | where my counselee has said to me,

00:48:09.880 | "Dan, I just am too encouraged.

00:48:14.400 | "I'm just experiencing too much encouragement,

00:48:18.860 | "and so don't encourage me anymore."

00:48:21.140 | I've never heard that.

00:48:23.340 | Anyone say that to me?

00:48:25.220 | That just stop encouraging me

00:48:26.540 | because that's my problem is I'm just overloaded with hope.

00:48:31.180 | There are certain things,

00:48:32.340 | just telling your counselee, "I care about you.

00:48:35.460 | "We love you in the Lord.

00:48:38.400 | "We want you to grow.

00:48:39.960 | "I'm thankful for you."

00:48:41.160 | Paul always told people he ministered to

00:48:43.460 | that, "I'm thankful for you.

00:48:46.540 | "I'm always thanking God for you."

00:48:48.660 | He even said that of the Corinthians

00:48:51.700 | who had a lot of problems.

00:48:54.220 | But he said, "I thank God for you

00:48:56.700 | "and for the fellowship that we have in Christ."

00:49:00.860 | Praying for them, rejoicing and grieving

00:49:03.620 | with your counselee.

00:49:04.440 | I'll say a little bit more about that in a moment.

00:49:06.740 | Dealing with your counselee gently and tenderly,

00:49:10.660 | being tactful, speaking with graciousness,

00:49:15.260 | continuing to love and accept them

00:49:18.000 | even when they reject your counsel.

00:49:19.800 | So I was told this by another counselor

00:49:24.800 | that whatever your counselee's sin issue is,

00:49:27.960 | they will at some point sin that sin against you

00:49:32.960 | if they're struggling with anger.

00:49:34.520 | At some point in the counseling relationship,

00:49:36.080 | they're gonna get angry with you.

00:49:38.340 | And so just learning to forgive,

00:49:40.340 | learning to pray for that counselee,

00:49:44.520 | forgiving them of any wrong that they've done to you,

00:49:48.360 | being willing to meet their physical needs.

00:49:50.860 | Not that you have to do all of that yourself,

00:49:52.940 | but just engaging the body of Christ

00:49:55.500 | in the counseling process is helpful.

00:49:58.620 | Using proper verbal communication,

00:50:03.820 | gentleness, sweetness of speech,

00:50:06.580 | using proper nonverbal communication.

00:50:09.880 | Wayne Mack has this helpful acronym,

00:50:13.700 | SOLVER, squared soldiers, open stance,

00:50:17.220 | lean forward slightly, vocal quality,

00:50:19.540 | eye contact and relational posture.

00:50:23.800 | I think that's just a helpful overview

00:50:26.980 | of just think through posture,

00:50:28.700 | think through nonverbal communication,

00:50:30.860 | how you're communicating care for others

00:50:34.660 | by how you're even sitting

00:50:36.700 | or how you're speaking to others in terms of tone of voice.

00:50:41.700 | Going back to continuing the list,

00:50:47.160 | taking the counselee's problems seriously,

00:50:49.820 | never minimize the problems presented by your counselees.

00:50:54.820 | You may be even going through a trial

00:51:00.380 | that is objectively 10 times greater

00:51:05.220 | than what your counselee is going through,

00:51:07.500 | but don't use that as an opportunity

00:51:10.380 | to minimize their struggle.

00:51:12.100 | What your counselee is going through

00:51:15.100 | is significant to him or her.

00:51:18.580 | And so never minimizing that,

00:51:20.660 | never saying, well, I've got a bigger trial

00:51:23.140 | or I went through a bigger trial than you are

00:51:25.540 | and I came out fine.

00:51:27.540 | But just acknowledging that what this person

00:51:30.100 | is going through in his or her experience

00:51:32.900 | is very real and very big to them.

00:51:37.380 | Trusting your counselee,

00:51:41.860 | believe what your counselee says.

00:51:45.580 | I mean, this is a good rule of thumb

00:51:46.900 | is just believing what they say

00:51:49.540 | unless you have facts to prove otherwise.

00:51:52.220 | Bringing a suspicious attitude into a counseling session

00:51:57.680 | is one way to really break down that caring relationship.

00:52:01.720 | And so you're asking questions in order to gather data,

00:52:07.180 | but you're not asking questions

00:52:08.780 | like a lawyer would cross-examine a defendant.

00:52:12.580 | You're not bringing a suspicious attitude

00:52:16.100 | into that relationship.

00:52:17.900 | Expressing confidence in your counselee,

00:52:21.020 | as Paul did to the Corinthians

00:52:22.540 | in 2 Corinthians 7, verse 16,

00:52:24.700 | "I rejoice because I have complete confidence

00:52:27.540 | in you."

00:52:28.380 | I mean, so many times you're coming alongside people

00:52:30.220 | and just saying, "I know you can do this.

00:52:32.540 | I know that you can complete this assignment.

00:52:35.980 | I know you can grow in this area.

00:52:37.720 | I have confidence in you

00:52:38.960 | because I know that you're a Christian,

00:52:40.980 | you're filled with the spirit of God.

00:52:44.380 | I know you can grow in this."

00:52:47.260 | Or just saying, "I know you can go home

00:52:50.020 | and apologize to your wife.

00:52:51.400 | I'm gonna pray for you

00:52:52.720 | and I'm eager and excited to hear how that goes

00:52:55.960 | because I think it's gonna go well

00:52:57.900 | if you humble yourself.

00:52:59.060 | And I know you can do that by the grace of God."

00:53:02.300 | Just being an encourager in that way

00:53:04.700 | is helpful in this relationship.

00:53:07.380 | Welcoming your counselee's input,

00:53:09.440 | even asking, "How can I grow as a counselor?

00:53:12.900 | Is there anything here that you can help me with

00:53:19.100 | in terms of me growing as a minister of Christ?"

00:53:25.100 | He mentions maintaining confidentiality,

00:53:28.780 | which is, I think, essential.

00:53:30.940 | Building a relationship of trust.

00:53:34.880 | We do practice limited confidentiality,

00:53:37.240 | not absolute confidentiality.

00:53:38.840 | So there are times where you do need to go to an elder

00:53:43.360 | or go to your elder board

00:53:44.540 | or go to a pastor with an issue.

00:53:46.740 | But if that's not the case,

00:53:48.460 | in most sessions,

00:53:51.700 | there is practiced,

00:53:54.760 | ought to be practiced confidentiality.

00:53:57.700 | Just being trustworthy with that information.

00:54:00.700 | You should not be in a counseling session

00:54:02.900 | and then sharing with your small group

00:54:04.980 | what went on in that session

00:54:06.420 | or sharing with anyone else what happened in that session.

00:54:09.360 | Most of the counseling sessions,

00:54:11.020 | even that I oversee in our counseling ministry,

00:54:15.020 | I don't know the details as a pastor

00:54:17.220 | unless I really need to know.

00:54:19.980 | The counselors practice confidentiality as much as possible

00:54:24.860 | because that builds trust

00:54:26.660 | to know that you're going to be discreet

00:54:29.020 | with information that is shared.

00:54:32.400 | And then he has being honest about your own qualifications,

00:54:35.300 | being honest about your own weaknesses,

00:54:38.260 | being honest about your own goals and agenda,

00:54:41.580 | being honest about your own limitations.

00:54:45.360 | Be balanced with this.

00:54:47.620 | You don't need to overshare about your weaknesses.

00:54:51.860 | You don't want to make the session

00:54:54.140 | all about you and your problems,

00:54:56.500 | but there are appropriate times in counseling

00:54:59.100 | where it's just appropriate to insert,

00:55:01.500 | I'm wrestling with this just as you are.

00:55:05.180 | I've often counseled husbands

00:55:06.940 | with 1 Peter 3, verse seven,

00:55:08.700 | husbands live with your wives in an understanding way.

00:55:11.900 | And as I've counseled them, I've shared with them,

00:55:14.580 | I'm trying to learn this in my own,

00:55:16.900 | in my own marriage and express this type of care

00:55:19.780 | for my own wife.

00:55:20.780 | And it's a battle for me as well.

00:55:23.340 | I'm seeking to grow and be challenged as well

00:55:25.540 | alongside of you.

00:55:28.000 | And so just in appropriate times,

00:55:32.100 | being willing to share your own weaknesses.

00:55:35.640 | Jeremy Pierre and Mark Shaw have 10 strategies

00:55:41.700 | doing the hard work of listening well.

00:55:46.700 | It does take time and patience,

00:55:48.500 | just not being distracted,

00:55:50.820 | not looking at the bird that's flying out in the sky,

00:55:55.460 | in the window, not being distracted by texts,

00:56:00.020 | or I always have my phone off when I counsel,

00:56:03.220 | just not even on silent, just have your phone off.

00:56:06.460 | I encourage my counselee to have his phone off

00:56:09.980 | as we counsel.

00:56:10.860 | I'm respecting you by devoting this time to you.

00:56:14.660 | And I ask you to respect this time as well

00:56:17.880 | by having your phone off and having no distractions.

00:56:22.740 | And just listening well, learning to take judicious notes.

00:56:27.740 | Different counselors have different styles of taking notes.

00:56:32.860 | Some counselors like to take more notes, some take less.

00:56:35.720 | I personally like to take minimal notes in this session.

00:56:39.400 | I like to keep eye contact and just try to stay concentrated

00:56:43.980 | and stay focused on what the counselee is saying.

00:56:46.460 | I will write down specific information,

00:56:49.100 | especially names when the counselee shares

00:56:52.660 | about his wife's name or his children's name,

00:56:57.500 | or his mom or dad's name.

00:56:59.000 | I wanna write that down.

00:57:00.200 | I wanna learn those names.

00:57:01.620 | And then I wanna use those names from that point on

00:57:04.900 | in the counseling session.

00:57:05.740 | I don't wanna be referring to the wife

00:57:07.540 | or the mom or the mother-in-law.

00:57:09.920 | I want to use the name of the person

00:57:12.260 | in the counseling session because that's just a way

00:57:14.380 | of expressing care.

00:57:16.060 | So in note-taking, I'll write down key information like that

00:57:20.220 | but I won't be taking copious notes

00:57:22.180 | in the counseling session.

00:57:23.460 | What I'll do is after the counseling session is over,

00:57:25.860 | I will do detailed notes from what happened in the session.

00:57:29.860 | But different counselors have different styles on that.

00:57:31.980 | You'll learn your style.

00:57:33.780 | That will help you the best.

00:57:35.780 | But that's part of the hard work of listening well.

00:57:39.680 | They have asking insightful questions,

00:57:42.380 | keeping the love of Christ central,

00:57:45.080 | being wise in the word,

00:57:47.180 | demonstrating Christ-like sympathy,

00:57:50.700 | displaying hope that in a situation that may seem hopeless,

00:57:56.720 | setting proper expectations,

00:58:02.080 | demonstrating dependence on the Lord through prayer,

00:58:05.400 | being available while maintaining proper limits.

00:58:09.040 | You wanna talk through this when you get into phase three

00:58:12.040 | of your training, the limits of texting and emailing.

00:58:16.880 | That's a discussion.

00:58:19.320 | There's no hard and fast rule on that

00:58:21.040 | but that's something that does need to be thought through

00:58:24.700 | before you get into formal counseling

00:58:27.300 | is how much of texting and emailing and phone calls

00:58:30.720 | going to be part of that counseling relationship.

00:58:34.840 | There really is no one rule on that

00:58:37.580 | but it is something you want to set limits on

00:58:41.780 | and communicate clearly with your counselee.

00:58:45.440 | And then setting up clear expectations

00:58:47.480 | regarding time and duration of meetings.

00:58:49.600 | Okay, let me get to the last part here

00:58:53.240 | with what we've learned here at Kindred.

00:58:58.240 | And this is just, this isn't from a book,

00:59:00.720 | this is just things that have proven to work well

00:59:04.760 | in our own ministry, in our own church.

00:59:06.960 | I'm not gonna say these are genius things

00:59:09.380 | but they're just things that have proven

00:59:12.360 | to express care for our counselees.

00:59:15.140 | Number one would be make a commitment

00:59:16.680 | to pray for your counselees on a regular basis.

00:59:18.920 | I mean, we can get so complicated with counseling ministry.

00:59:23.920 | We can get into all these seminars

00:59:26.120 | and read all these books and tapes

00:59:29.000 | and just make it more complicated than it ought to be

00:59:34.160 | and get back, get away from just doing the biblical basics.

00:59:39.160 | And the biblical basic is when you counsel someone,

00:59:43.100 | make a commitment to pray for them every day.

00:59:46.240 | Just make that commitment,

00:59:47.560 | just that I'm gonna engage in intercessory prayer

00:59:51.120 | on behalf of my counselee and you will be amazed

00:59:55.480 | at how that does change and transform

00:59:58.440 | the way you relate to your counselee

01:00:00.040 | in the counseling session.

01:00:03.080 | I remember in a small group meeting,

01:00:04.680 | one of the counselors in our ministry,

01:00:07.580 | she's also in our small group

01:00:08.880 | and she was sharing in the small group,

01:00:11.640 | she was saying, I feel so close to you all

01:00:14.320 | and fellowship to the members of the small group.

01:00:17.140 | And we were wondering why she felt that way,

01:00:22.440 | seeing that we hadn't met in two weeks.

01:00:24.080 | And she just said, since the last time we met,

01:00:25.880 | I've been praying for each of you every day

01:00:28.400 | in my prayer life.

01:00:31.200 | And because of that, I feel so close to you in fellowship.

01:00:34.020 | I feel like I'm part of your lives.

01:00:36.040 | It's just amazing that when you make that simple commitment

01:00:40.840 | to pray for your counselees,

01:00:42.840 | how that does strengthen your relationship with that person.

01:00:47.800 | Withholding judgment until you've heard both sides

01:00:52.000 | of a conflict, just very practical,

01:00:54.720 | especially in a marital counseling situation.

01:00:58.120 | You want to believe all things.

01:01:00.320 | Oftentimes you'll hear one side of a marital conflict

01:01:03.040 | and you'll just think the worst of the other spouse.

01:01:05.560 | And when the other spouse comes in

01:01:07.240 | and you get them together in counseling,

01:01:09.200 | you realize that there are really two sides of the story.

01:01:11.880 | And so you always want to be on guard,

01:01:13.620 | not to prejudge the other person

01:01:15.920 | until you have heard the other side of the story.

01:01:18.360 | Proverbs 18, verse 17,

01:01:20.400 | the one who states his case first seems right

01:01:22.720 | until the other comes and examines him.

01:01:27.020 | I can't think of a better way to destroy a relationship

01:01:29.880 | with a counselee than to allow an unfair judgmental spirit

01:01:34.880 | to enter into the counseling meetings.

01:01:40.000 | Number three, celebrate each step of obedience

01:01:42.280 | in a counselee's life.

01:01:43.340 | Counseling is like teaching a child to walk.

01:01:46.320 | Each of my children, we taught them to walk.

01:01:49.200 | And when they took that first step, we were overjoyed.

01:01:52.840 | So you did it, you took one step, now take another one.

01:01:57.720 | And that's how we need to be with our counselees.

01:02:00.040 | You did it, you did this homework assignment,

01:02:02.480 | you went to this service, you read this book.

01:02:06.000 | I have confidence in you that you can take the next step.

01:02:08.600 | Learn to celebrate each step in the life of a counselee.

01:02:13.600 | Number four is be diligent

01:02:15.400 | in preparing for the counseling sessions.

01:02:17.720 | Just little things, showing up on time or showing up early

01:02:23.480 | so that you can set up the room and not be hurried.

01:02:27.440 | Making sure that there's water and coffee and tissues.

01:02:31.080 | And I've learned that temperature matters

01:02:34.540 | in counseling ministry.

01:02:36.200 | That if you're in a room that's just really stuffy

01:02:38.680 | and you're meeting with a counselee for an hour and a half,

01:02:41.440 | you're both gonna be falling asleep

01:02:43.580 | by the end of that session.

01:02:44.840 | So just setting the right temperature that's comfortable,

01:02:48.080 | that's not too hot and not too cold.

01:02:50.160 | And doing those little things does make a difference

01:02:54.080 | in counseling ministry and just being prepared.

01:02:57.740 | The counseling session may go a different direction

01:03:00.960 | than you had planned, but just preparing for that session

01:03:04.280 | is one way of honoring the person

01:03:06.680 | that you are ministering to.

01:03:08.860 | I wanna hit number five

01:03:11.900 | and just kind of emphasize this for a moment,

01:03:14.040 | but respecting the counselee's comfort level

01:03:16.400 | and talking about sensitive issues.

01:03:19.000 | As I mentioned, I like to ask permission.

01:03:22.700 | I like to make sure, do I have your permission

01:03:25.200 | to ask about this area of your life?

01:03:28.520 | I don't wanna assume the right

01:03:30.800 | to just talk about anything in the counselee's life.

01:03:35.360 | I want to ask, would it be okay

01:03:38.400 | if I asked about this area of your life?

01:03:42.300 | And to get buy-in and verbal permission to do so.

01:03:49.640 | I mean, your counseling may have had

01:03:51.860 | a really rough family life growing up.

01:03:54.820 | And before you just barge into that

01:03:58.700 | and start asking questions about mom and dad

01:04:00.900 | and brother and sister, you just want to ask permission.

01:04:05.220 | Do I have permission to ask you about your family

01:04:11.580 | or about your dad?

01:04:13.340 | Some of those discussions can get real sensitive

01:04:15.460 | and you just wanna be aware of that.

01:04:18.540 | And I think that helps to build a caring relationship.

01:04:23.200 | There are even areas where I will ask our counselee,

01:04:27.020 | if you're gonna go into that area of life,

01:04:31.320 | even to get written permission,

01:04:33.780 | just to make it clear that I do have permission

01:04:36.600 | to talk about this area of your life

01:04:39.680 | and not have any misunderstanding of that.

01:04:42.300 | So just respecting the counselee's comfort level

01:04:45.940 | in talking about sensitive issues.

01:04:48.340 | I think is another strategy.

01:04:50.160 | Number six, giving your counselee undistracted attention.

01:04:54.060 | I think I talked about that.

01:04:56.420 | That's something that we all need to develop.

01:04:59.240 | Number seven, learning to say by the grace of God,

01:05:02.020 | I am what I am and avoiding the spirit of a Pharisee.

01:05:07.020 | Number eight, especially with grieving people,

01:05:12.020 | don't be in a hurry to move people past their sorrow.

01:05:17.220 | I think that's one way of just respecting

01:05:19.180 | and caring for our counselees.

01:05:20.940 | There are very few people who request counseling

01:05:27.480 | who come in for the first session and say,

01:05:30.780 | my problem is I'm just too happy.

01:05:32.540 | But there are many who come in for counseling who say,

01:05:37.260 | I'm just really struggling with the sorrows of life.

01:05:39.580 | And I have found in working with people in the church

01:05:43.320 | that sometimes Christians, they feel guilty.

01:05:47.180 | That they're struggling with sorrow

01:05:49.940 | or experiencing sorrow for a length of time.

01:05:53.300 | It's almost as if, well, I'm supposed to be a Christian.

01:05:55.320 | So I should only be sad for one day out of the year

01:05:58.620 | and I should really just get over it.

01:06:00.460 | And I just try to encourage believers

01:06:03.700 | whenever I get the chance that Jesus was a man of sorrows

01:06:06.460 | and he wept at the grave side of Lazarus.

01:06:09.160 | He was perfect humanity and yet he was sad.

01:06:13.940 | He experienced real sorrow.

01:06:17.140 | So you can experience sorrow and be like Jesus.

01:06:20.340 | You can weep and it's okay.

01:06:22.860 | You can be like Jesus as you cry tears.

01:06:27.660 | And I've just learned also in counseling ministry,

01:06:32.220 | always have tissues.

01:06:33.840 | You have a counselor who comes in and you just think,

01:06:38.220 | well, this person seems strong

01:06:40.820 | and we're not gonna need tissues for this session.

01:06:43.460 | It's a big mistake.

01:06:44.800 | Always have tissues because people are dealing

01:06:49.920 | with the brokenness of this world.

01:06:52.340 | They're going through heavy times.

01:06:54.100 | And one of the ways that you care for them

01:06:56.360 | is just letting them know it's okay.

01:06:58.300 | It's okay to grieve.

01:07:00.780 | It's okay to experience sorrow.

01:07:04.320 | And we're gonna walk with God through this sorrow together.

01:07:09.320 | And I'm gonna be patient with you.

01:07:11.220 | I'm not going to try to rush you through this process.

01:07:14.420 | And I think that's just one way

01:07:16.620 | of developing a caring relationship.

01:07:21.340 | Ask God to give you emotions where emotions are appropriate,

01:07:25.620 | whether that's joy or sorrow.

01:07:29.380 | We could say much more about that,

01:07:32.220 | but just there are times in a counseling session

01:07:34.540 | where just quick prayer up to the Lord.

01:07:36.720 | I prayed, Lord, give me the appropriate emotion here.

01:07:41.180 | I should be feeling joy and I'm not feeling joy.

01:07:45.040 | Lord, give me joy

01:07:46.700 | because my counselee has just experienced a breakthrough

01:07:49.900 | or I should be feeling sorrow

01:07:51.940 | because my counselee is sharing something very heavy.

01:07:54.820 | And so Lord, give me the appropriate emotion

01:07:57.180 | for this setting.

01:07:59.400 | As I mentioned, when appropriate,

01:08:02.060 | be open about sharing your own weaknesses.

01:08:05.700 | Number 11, ask the counselee to pray for you.

01:08:09.040 | Even the Apostle Paul asked believers to pray for him.

01:08:13.940 | And if Paul needed prayer, then all of us need prayer.

01:08:18.100 | And we shouldn't be ashamed of asking for that.

01:08:21.300 | We can say to our counselees, I'm praying for you.

01:08:23.900 | And will you pray for me that I would have wisdom

01:08:26.660 | in guiding this relationship?

01:08:27.940 | I've observed some of our counselors

01:08:30.220 | and they just do a wonderful job

01:08:32.920 | of weaving that into the counseling session.

01:08:36.220 | Would you pray for me?

01:08:37.680 | Because I wanna be the best help to you as I can be.

01:08:42.200 | We already mentioned number 12,

01:08:45.540 | being confidential and trustworthy.

01:08:49.420 | And then number 13, I'll end with this,

01:08:52.260 | remembering names, remembering names.

01:08:56.100 | I think I shared this in some setting.

01:08:58.460 | I'm not sure if it was in this class,

01:08:59.780 | but I used to say, I'm just not good at names.

01:09:03.600 | I'm not good at learning names.

01:09:06.240 | And I guess people like to say that.

01:09:08.340 | And I really wasn't good at learning names.

01:09:11.540 | And when I studied Romans 16,

01:09:13.600 | I was convicted that learning names is an act of love.

01:09:18.060 | And if the Apostle Paul can learn this entire chapter

01:09:21.020 | full of names, and he wasn't even at the church at Rome,

01:09:24.060 | then surely I can learn my counselee's name

01:09:27.920 | and the names of my counselee's family,

01:09:31.860 | friends and neighbors.

01:09:33.780 | And just to, as a discipline, to use their names

01:09:36.620 | and to learn their names.

01:09:38.140 | And I just found that that does help to,

01:09:41.020 | it changes the dynamic of the counseling relationship

01:09:43.940 | when you're speaking of names and you're saying,

01:09:46.700 | I'm not just praying for your father or mother,

01:09:50.140 | but you're praying for Jack or you're praying for Sally.

01:09:54.020 | You're using the names.

01:09:55.780 | That's just a skill that I think communicates care.

01:09:59.500 | So there you have it.

01:10:01.980 | Those are like 40 something plus strategies

01:10:05.040 | of developing a counseling relationship.

01:10:06.780 | Of course, the challenge is not only being able

01:10:09.220 | to list these, but to actually put these into practice

01:10:12.860 | in our own lives.

01:10:15.260 | So for this essay, pick six.

01:10:18.120 | What are some of the things that you've heard

01:10:20.100 | in this session that would be helpful

01:10:21.600 | or challenging to you?

01:10:22.440 | Pick six.

01:10:23.820 | And star them, circle them.

01:10:25.900 | And for your essay, write six paragraphs.

01:10:30.720 | Name some scriptural support for each strategy

01:10:35.300 | and then talk about how practically

01:10:36.900 | that would work out in your life.

01:10:39.900 | And so I wanna close with this.

01:10:42.260 | Wayne Mack has said, "Though God sometimes chooses

01:10:44.860 | "to accomplish His work through unlikely ways

01:10:47.800 | "and unlikely people, the Bible emphasizes

01:10:50.220 | "that God usually changes lives in a situation

01:10:53.820 | "where relationship of concern and trust exists

01:10:56.980 | "between the helper and the one who needs help."

01:11:00.140 | As biblical counselors, we must do all that we can,

01:11:02.620 | and I love this.

01:11:03.460 | This is what we're aiming for here,

01:11:04.900 | to wrap the content of our counseling

01:11:09.300 | in a package of compassion, respect, and honesty.

01:11:14.300 | And I trust that the Lord will give you grace to do that.

01:11:19.020 | Let me pray for us.

01:11:19.860 | Father, thank you so much for this look at your word

01:11:23.300 | and how it would challenge and instruct our lives.

01:11:25.980 | And I just pray that this would be true of each of us.

01:11:30.260 | Help us, Lord, to express the character of Christ,

01:11:35.220 | who was gentle, lowly, compassionate,

01:11:39.260 | approachable, welcoming, not pointing the finger

01:11:44.180 | of self-righteous judgment, but touching the leper,

01:11:49.180 | healing the blind man, weeping at the gravesite of Lazarus,

01:11:55.940 | walking among those who were afflicted with sorrow

01:12:00.060 | and who were in sin.

01:12:01.720 | We thank you that Jesus is the mighty friend of sinners.

01:12:07.280 | He is the wonderful counselor.

01:12:10.040 | And we pray that if he is the friend of sinners,

01:12:14.780 | we may learn to be earnest and good friends as well,

01:12:19.560 | and that we would wrap this content

01:12:23.780 | of the truth of your word

01:12:26.060 | in a package of Christ-like compassion and care.

01:12:30.140 | Do this work in each of our hearts.

01:12:33.180 | Give us, the students here,

01:12:36.340 | just a wonderful time of study as they write this essay.

01:12:39.860 | And bless us all, we pray in Jesus' name, amen.

01:12:43.200 | - Amen, well, God bless you.

01:12:46.740 | If you have any questions, what I'm gonna do

01:12:49.020 | is ask you to email me this week,

01:12:51.760 | and I'll do my best to get back to you this week.

01:12:55.100 | And you can also email counseling@kinderchurch.org

01:12:57.820 | if you have any questions on admin.

01:12:59.500 | God bless you, have a wonderful.

ACBC Counseling Exam 2 - Developing a Caring Relationship

Chapters