in the new year, it's a great joy to meet together in this online format. I know that I was thinking I must be crazy committed to this ministry teaching this in the middle of the Super Bowl, but I know that all of you are very committed to the ministry by attending this session and don't worry, we'll get you to the second half by the time we're done here.

But we're just glad that you're with us, glad that you're able to join us for this hour, and we're looking forward to a wonderful study tonight in the word of God. Tonight, we're going to be looking at a subject that's very important for counseling ministry, and we're going to be looking at counseling exam number 2, which focuses on the topic of developing a caring relationship with your counselee, developing a caring relationship with your counselee.

So tonight's study is going to be a very practical subject, very necessary subject. It's been well said that people don't care about how much you know unless they know how much you care. I think that's true in ministry and in all of life that we want to be known as those who care for other people.

For the simple reason that Jesus cares for people and God the Father cares for us, and so because we have received such care and compassion from our Heavenly Father, we want to be ambassadors of Christ and express that care to others in the local church. I've often prayed for the counseling ministry here at Kindred, Lord give us a reputation for being caring and compassionate in our ministry.

I've just really prayed that those who know our counseling ministry, that we would develop a reputation that if you go to counselors in this ministry, that you will be cared for, that you will find counselors who listen well, you will find counselors who are filled with a spirit, who are merciful and gracious.

We don't want to develop a reputation as a counseling center, that if you go to that counseling center, they're going to just beat you over the head with the Bible. We don't want that for our ministry. We want to develop a reputation for being those who care for other people, for the simple reason again, that that's a reflection of the character of Jesus Christ.

Jesus saw the multitudes and he felt compassion for them. Tonight's session is a very practical subject. It is a very necessary subject. I'm going to say that tonight's subject really isn't a subject that's only applicable to doing "counseling ministry" in the church. It really is applicable to all of our relationships.

I mean, if you think about all of the relationships that you have right now, whether that be your family relationships or relationships in your community or relationships in your small group or in your church, if you think about all of the varying relationships that you have in life, the question would simply be this, are you known as a caring person?

Would those around you say that you genuinely care for other people's welfare and well-being? Is that what others would say of you? Because we don't want to just isolate this to doing "counseling ministry" in the church. We want to grow in our compassion and our care for other people, so that when we do have the opportunity to counsel others in the church, that we have the opportunity to express the character that the Spirit of God has been producing in us.

Sometimes we do care about other people in the church, and we do care about other people in our relationships, in our hearts, but we don't always know how to express that care. We don't know how to develop the relational skills that would express that care to other people. We may care about them in our hearts, but we don't know, for instance, how to make the phone call, or how to write the note, or how to have the conversation, or how to set up the appointment for coffee, or how to create the gift that would express our care for others.

Caring for others is, I would say, a skill. It is not only something that God puts in our hearts that we want to love other people, but it's also something we need to develop in terms of our skill set, in terms of how we actually practically let others know that we care for them.

So tonight's topic is very important, developing a caring relationship with a counselee, and I trust that we will be encouraged as well as challenged by tonight's teaching. So let me pray for us and we will get into our study for tonight. Let's pray. Father, we do thank you that your word says you care for us, that we can cast our anxieties upon you because you are a caring and a loving Heavenly Father who does meet us where we are in our everyday lives.

We thank you that Christ is a merciful and sympathetic High Priest, that he literally feels the same things that we do, for he has been tempted in all things as we are, yet without sin. Father, we pray that you would help us to understand your mercy and your compassion toward us, that we would be good representatives of Christ in the counseling ministry that you would give to us, and then also just in our relationships in everyday life.

Make us caring people, help us to be known by this in our everyday lives, and may this be the hallmark of our counseling ministry, that we not only speak the truth, but we do so in love. Thank you for all my brothers and sisters who have joined us for this class tonight.

Would you bless their training and bless their ministry for we pray this all in Jesus' name. Amen. Amen. Just stay on a devotional thought for tonight's session. As we're looking at the subject of developing a caring relationship with a counselee, one of the books that I would highly recommend to you is the book Dane Ortlund's Gentle and Lowly.

This has been on the top 10, I believe, lists of many biblical counseling resources that the biblical counseling world has kind of embraced this book and has put this in the hands of biblical counselors. It's not specifically a biblical counseling book, but it is applicable to so much of what we do in counseling ministry.

I was just talking to some of the brothers today after church of how this book is rocking our worlds, just saying some amazing things about Christ and about who Jesus is and how we need to reflect his character. And I just commend this book to you. And I think that some of the insights in Ortlund's book is applicable to our discussion tonight.

And so he writes, and this is a reflection on Matthew 11, verses 28 to 30, where Jesus says, "Come unto me, all who labor and who are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." And as you know, that text says, "I am gentle and lowly of heart." And Ortlund reflects on this passage, and he says, "In the one place in the Bible where the Son of God pulls back the veil and lets us peer way down into the core of who he is, we're not told that he is austere and demanding in heart.

We're not told that he is exalted and dignified in heart. We're not even told that he is joyful and generous in heart. Letting Jesus set the terms, his surprising claim is that he is gentle and lowly in heart." And he continues that one thing to get straight right from the start is that when the Bible speaks of the heart, whether Old Testament or new, it is not speaking of our emotional life only, but of the central animating center of all we do.

Speaking of the heart, it is what gets us out of bed in the morning and what we daydream about as we drift off to sleep. It is our motivation headquarters. The heart in biblical terms is not part of who we are, but the center of who we are. Our heart is what defines and directs us.

The heart is a matter of life. It is what makes us the human being each of us is. The heart drives all we do. It is who we are. And if you've been with us in our year one biblical counseling training, at this point, you should be saying amen and amen.

We have learned of the importance of the biblical concept of the heart. It is out of the heart that flows the issues of life. Now Orlin takes that concept of the heart and he makes this astounding observation that Jesus in this text describes his own heart. This is the one time in scripture that we find Jesus tell us what is his heart like in terms of a direct explanation of what is his heart like and what can his heart be compared to.

So Orlin writes, when Jesus tells us what animates him most deeply, what is most true of him, when he exposes the innermost recesses of his being, what we find there is gentle and lowly. I am gentle, Jesus says. Jesus is not trigger happy, not harsh, reactionary, easily exasperated. He is the most understanding person in the universe.

Think about that for a moment, brothers and sisters, as we reflect on the character of Christ. Jesus is the most understanding person in the universe. The posture most natural to him is not a pointed finger, but open arms. Or that God might raise up biblical counselors in the church who reflect something of this character.

Counselors who are understanding and whose posture is not that of a pointed finger, but the posture of open arms for those who come for counseling. He reflects on the statement, I am lowly of heart. The meaning of the word lowly overlaps with that of gentle, together communicating a single reality about Jesus's heart.

The point in saying that Jesus is lowly is that he is accessible for all his resplendent glory and dazzling holiness, his supreme uniqueness and otherness. No one in history, in human history has ever been more approachable than Jesus Christ. No prerequisites, no hoops to jump through. Again, as I reflect on the character of Christ, it is on one hand a truth that ought to drive us to worship, but also a truth that ought to have us reflect on our own ministry.

Does our character reflect something of the sweetness of Christ? And as we relate to others, would others say of us that we are approachable? No prerequisites, no hoops to jump through. Gentle and lowly, this is, according to his own testimony, is Christ's very heart. This is who he is, tender, open, welcoming, accommodating, understanding, willing.

If we are asked to say only one thing about who Jesus is, we would be honoring Jesus's own teaching if our answer is gentle and lowly. If Jesus hosted his own personal website, the most prominent line of the "About Me" dropdown would read, "Gentle and lowly in heart." Just a beautiful reflection of the loveliness of Christ.

And if you're getting a taste of what this book is about, you would understand why it was ranked in the top 10 of biblical counseling resources of the last year. Those beautiful descriptions of who Christ is are at the center of counseling ministry as well, to be Christ-centered in our counseling ministries, to express something of this character.

Tenderness, openness, welcoming, accommodating, understanding, willing. Not with the pointed finger of self-righteous judgment, but the gentle and lowly character of Christ. I think you can see how this brief reflection on Christ's character is applicable for our topic tonight. Because as we look at counseling exam number two, the question is simply this, "Describe at least six biblical strategies to develop a caring relationship with your counselees." We're talking here about caring for people.

The question asks you to clearly identify each strategy and ground its use in specific passages of Scripture, explaining its practical utility in building a relationship. And we are going to get into the nuts and bolts of how we are to express care for people, and also the nuts and bolts of how we should write this essay in counseling exam number two.

But just for a moment, I want you to reflect on the gentleness and the lowliness of Christ's heart. Is this not what we are called to do in counseling ministry? And not just in counseling ministry, but in every relationship God has given to us on this earth. Are we not called to express this type of gentleness, kindness, respect, humility, servanthood, considering others more important than ourselves, approachability, welcoming, not a judgmental spirit, but a spirit that hopes the best, believes the best?

Are we not called to express this type of character? And if we do, will not those around us say of us that this person really does care about me? I've been amazed in counseling ministry that when our counselors, and even in a small way, when I've had the privilege of counseling other believers and when you really do let them know that you care about them, how disarming that is, how barriers fall down, how people's guards drop, and they start to open up about their lives and they start to let you address the issues of the heart.

Often in counseling, I'll ask the question and those who have observed me counsel have said this of me, that I'll often ask for permission. Is it okay if I address you with the Word of God? Are you comfortable with talking about this issue of your life in light of God's Word?

And it is amazing that when counselees really are assured of your care for them, how they'll say, "Let's go at it. Let's deal with the issues." And I've observed that with our other counselors as well. When they show that they care, people are open. True and genuine care for people is powerful.

People respond to that type of love and compassion, and they will be open to hearing some really hard truths if you show them that you really do care about them. And so this question is dealing with developing that caring relationship, and it's talking about six biblical strategies to develop that type of care.

Now, what I'm going to do in our teaching tonight is I'm going to give you a laundry list of biblical strategies. I'm just going to give you a number of different things that you can consider. I'm not going to be able to go into each of them in great detail, but what I want to do is kind of prime the pump and give you some ideas as to the strategies that you can employ in developing a caring relationship with your counselees.

And what you're going to do in this essay is you're going to pick six of maybe, as you're thinking through these strategies, the Lord will direct you to six of these strategies that you find to be most applicable in your own life, or maybe even the most challenging in your own life, and then write about these six strategies.

You would do well to write a six-paragraph essay for this topic, just a paragraph for each strategy, and just make it real simple. Each paragraph would have the strategy, some passages of scripture, which talk about the importance of that strategy, and then how practically that would show itself in your counseling ministry.

So we're looking at six biblical strategies to develop a caring relationship. Now, before we go any further, let me just orient you and show you the forest before we look at the trees. You'll remember this slide from last week's teaching. In last week's teaching, we looked at the six key elements of biblical counseling, or what we call the six I's of biblical counseling.

These are the practical skills that we employ in counseling, and we really do evaluate a counselor's practical methods according to the six I's of biblical counseling. I sent you a case study and a role-play assignment that I did with a couple of our counselors, and I'll send you another one this upcoming week.

And as the counselor did the role-play, what we tell them beforehand is that we're going to evaluate your counseling skills according to the six I's. We're gonna ask the question, is the counselor showing involvement? Is there good inventory, good questions being asked? Is there biblical discernment being applied? Does the counselor give hope?

Does the counselor open God's word? And is there homework assigned? We're evaluating the counselor's ministry according to the six I's of counseling. And so what I would encourage you to do as you do counseling observation, and even as you may have done the IBCD 10 hours of counseling observation, or if you have the opportunities to observe live counseling, what I would encourage you to do is not just say, well, I like what that counselor did, or I didn't like what that counselor did, or I like this counselor, I don't like this counselor.

What I would encourage you to do is evaluate how a counselor is showing the six I's of biblical counseling in his or her counseling ministry. Be asking the questions, does this counselor demonstrate care and compassion? Does this counselor ask good questions and seek to understand the counselee's situation? Does this counselor give hope?

Has the counselor taken the counselee to the word of God and opened the Bible? So be asking the questions that are related to the six I's of biblical counseling, and that will help you to evaluate as you observe other counselors, and even to evaluate your own counseling. We are always asking these questions is, am I growing in the six key elements of biblical counseling?

And am I showing these elements in my counseling ministry? So we did an overview of that last week for session number one, and I told you that for counseling essay number one, you would do well to write an essay on four of the six I's of biblical counseling, that you're really just taking one key element in each paragraph and writing a four-paragraph essay if that's one suggestive way to write this essay is a four-paragraph essay, one on each I of the key elements of biblical counseling.

And that would be a strategy to write essay number one. You're really taking one key element at a time and doing a brief overview of four to five of the six key elements of biblical counseling. Now, just to show you the context of what we're gonna do tonight is in essay number two, what we're doing is we're zeroing in on the first key element of biblical counseling, which is the element of involvement.

So essay number one, you've kind of done an overview of four of the six I's of biblical counseling. For essay number two, you're zeroing in on the first key element, which is involvement, and then showing six strategies or practical applications of the key element of involvement. So I hope that makes sense.

I just wanna orient you as to the flow of these essays and where we are in considering the six key elements of biblical counseling. So the question would be, why are we writing an entire essay on involvement? Why of the six I's of biblical counseling does involvement get its own essay?

And there are a number of ways we can answer that question, but I think on a practical level, this would be admittedly maybe some of the weaknesses of the biblical counseling movement up to this point is to be known more for truth than being known for love. And the biblical balance is always speaking the truth in love, Ephesians chapter four.

We need to hold those two in balance. We believe in the authority and the sufficiency of God's word, and we also want to express love and care for people. And so I think this essay is very important in our training because it causes us to reflect on our relational skills and are we speaking to others the truth in the context of a loving, caring, respectful relationship.

And I think that's a necessary balance for our ministry. So we are dealing with the subject of involvement. So to help us with this on page one of your handout, I have a few resources that I think will be helpful for you. I have Wayne Mack's Developing a Helping Relationship with Counselees, which is a PDF that I sent to you this week.

You can also find that material in the work that was edited by John MacArthur, Counseling, How to Counsel Biblically. Wayne Mack has a chapter in there on developing a helping relationship with a counselee, and it's essentially the same material. You can either read the journal article or you can get the printed book, but that essay really is all that you really need to write this essay.

He gives you a laundry list of different ways to develop this relationship, and it's just a very, very helpful resource. And so do star that resource. That would be an essential resource to write this essay and one that I would highly encourage that you read and apply to life.

In addition, I would encourage you to get Jeremy Pierre and Mark Shaw's chapter in the book, Christ-Centered Biblical Counseling, which is entitled, The Nature of the Biblical Counseling Relationship. Just some excellent supplementary reading on that subject that will also prime the pump to help us to understand the key element of involvement.

One additional resource that I would recommend to you is Paul Tripp's Instruments in the Redeemer's Hands, chapter seven and chapter eight. Those two chapters deal with the key element of involvement. Tripp doesn't call it involvement. He has the overview of love, know, speak, do. As we mentioned in year one, that's sort of an alternate way to talk about the key elements of biblical counseling, but he categorizes it under the heading of love, which is essentially the same thing we're trying to do.

So you can read chapter seven and chapter eight of Paul Tripp's Instruments in the Redeemer's Hands as review, and that will help you to write this essay as well. So just some resources there that will help you to think through the issue of involvement. Now, let me move to page two of your notes for tonight and just restate the definition of involvement, and then we'll talk about practical strategies in a moment.

We saw in our year one training that involvement can be defined as the ministry of expressing Christlike love and compassion so that a relationship can be built, marked by trust and openness. Involvement is the ministry of expressing Christlike love and compassion so that a relationship can be built, marked by trust and openness.

As we stated in year one, biblical counseling then is not a clinical type of ministry. It's not you as a professional counselor dispensing information from on high, but it is coming alongside a fellow brother or sister in Christ and loving them as a blood-bought believer in the Lord Jesus Christ, loving them as a brother or sister in the Lord, being a fellow member of the body of Christ and showing the type of mercy and compassion that the Lord would express in his own ministry.

And so this is the key element of involvement. And we looked at key passages such as 1 Thessalonians 2, verse seven, Paul's own expression of compassion and gentleness. He said of his ministry to the Thessalonians in verse seven, "We were gentle among you, like a nursing mother taking care of her own children.

So being affectionately desirous of you, we're ready to share with you not only the gospel of God, but our own selves, because you had become very dear to us." I don't know any way to do this in any other way. You will love your counselees and you will find that you not only love your counselees, you will find that you like your counselees.

You will be sad when the counseling sessions end. Your counselees will be sad when the counseling sessions end because this is just New Testament ministry. I think any true believer in Christ filled with the spirit and filled with the love for Christ will love other believers in Christ who serve the same Lord and have the same spirit.

And so Paul says, "We didn't just dispense information to you. We loved you. We were affectionate towards you. We had a genuine desire to serve you in the Lord." And he even goes on to say in verse 20, "For what is our hope or joy or crown or boasting before the Lord Jesus at his coming?

Is it not you? For you are our glory and joy." I mean, what a thought that some of your counselees in the future will be your grounds of boasting before the Lord at his coming. You make an investment in people's souls and souls live forever. And there may be Lord willing, those who are saved through the counseling ministry that you will be engaged in, or those who are saved and who will be sanctified as a result of you reaching out into their lives.

And when Jesus returns, that fruit will be lasting. There are many things that you can invest in, in this life that really have little or no eternal value. But when you invest in souls, souls live forever. And so what a thought that those you invest in, in this ministry may be the grounds of your boasting at the coming of the Lord Jesus Christ.

So we don't merely fix problems. Can I put it that way? We minister to people. We're not problem oriented. We are people oriented. As Dr. Robert Jones has well said, I don't counsel anxiety. I don't counsel anger. I don't counsel depression. I counsel Bill. And Bill may struggle with anxiety and anger, but I'm ministering to this person.

God has given to me this privilege of serving this person. We tell our counselees, it is a privilege to serve you. And it really is. It's a privilege to walk alongside you in ministry. What a privilege to be part of a ministry where people come to this ministry and they share openly about their lives.

They tell you what they're struggling with. They open up their heart to you and you have an opportunity to speak the truth and love. I mean, what a privilege to walk alongside others in this way. And it is just a joy. It's a privilege to serve you. And so I don't counsel problems.

I counsel people. And those people become very near and dear to your heart. I've noticed that some of our counselors that we've trained in this ministry who really are just great. They have far outpaced my own ability to counsel. They have taken what I've taught them and they've just ran with it.

And just what a joy to see them thrive in this ministry. And then to also see that these counselors have a hard time getting off campus on Sunday because they've so honed and refined some of these skills of showing care for others that so many people just need ministry and they know where to find a caring counselor.

And so it's a godly struggle. It's a good struggle, but just these counselors will say to me, "Dan, I have trouble getting off campus on Sunday because people come to me now for ministry." And what a privilege, what a joy. If you develop a reputation for being a caring counselor, you will have that type of ministry in people's lives.

So we minister to people. We don't just fix problems. We're in the people business, which means we have to learn relational skills. Some of us are more wired towards studying the Bible and we just know a lot of truth and we know a lot of theology, but we're mean and unkind and we can be short with people and impatient and we need to really learn the relational side of ministry.

And others of us are just wired for relationships and we just love people, but our counseling does not have enough theology and we need to work hard on the other side of studying the Bible and learning the truth of God. It's truth and love. So if you look at the middle of that handout or further down, I'm gonna skip some of those quotations, but Proverbs 27, verse six is a really good summary, I think, of the essence of counseling ministry, where the proverb says, "Faithful are the wounds of a friend." You wanna be that friend to others in ministry.

Verse nine says, "Oil and perfume make the heart glad "and the sweetness of a friend "comes from his earnest counsel." I have counselors in my life. Some people think that once you become a pastor, you never need anyone to counsel you and that's far from the truth. Counselors need other counselors and I have counselors in my life who are dear friends.

They give earnest counsel and they love me in the Lord and I trust them with my life. I have no problem opening up to them about what's going on with my spiritual walk and what's going on with my family and what's going on with my ministry because I know that they have given me earnest counsel, that they are good friends to me and I pray that I may be that type of friend to others and that you might be that type of friend to others who need that type of earnest counsel.

And so the sweetness of a friend comes from his earnest counsel. And then I try to remind myself, this again is just basic New Testament ministry. This is not just counseling ministry, this is just being a New Testament believer. Romans 12, verse 10, "Love one another with brotherly affection, "outdo one another in showing honor.

"Do not be slothful and zeal, "be fervent in spirit, serve the Lord. "Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, "be constant in prayer, "contribute to the needs of the saints "and seek to show hospitality. "Bless those who persecute you, "bless and do not curse them. "Rejoice with those who rejoice, "weep with those who weep." I mean, if our counselors just followed those basic New Testament commands, we would exercise a very powerful ministry by God's grace.

I try to remind myself when I counsel that I'm a member of the body of Christ and I counsel as an expression of the body of Christ, which means I have the responsibility of representing Christ. Not just giving correct information, but representing his character, his methods, his ways, his perspective, his outlook on life.

How would Jesus see this person who is coming for counseling ministry? And if I am a member of his body and if he is the head of that body, then I have a responsibility to reflect something of his character and his perspective and his outlook. And I've given that privilege to be an expression of the body of Christ.

I pray that that would be true of you as well. If you move to page three of your handout, this is an overview of the relational qualities that reflect the character of Christ. We cover this in year one. We're not gonna go into this in any detail, but just looking down that list, I can't read this list of compassion, humility, gentleness, patience, so forth and so on.

I can't ever read that list without being challenged in my own life, can you? ACBC has actually listed on their website, they have a document that's called Standards of Conduct for Biblical Counselors. And I remember Dr. Stuart Scott encouraging anyone who is in counseling ministry to review that at least on a yearly basis.

And he was remarking that it is impossible to read through that document without being challenged afresh and anew of just ways that we need to grow, of being even rebuked and corrected, reproved as to our lack of showing these qualities in our everyday lives. And so I just encourage you to be constantly reviewing these things and challenging yourself, how can I better express the character of Christ?

With that said, just as an overview, I just wanna mention this for a moment. ACBC Standards of Conduct has an entire section on commitment to care. I didn't put this in your notes, but you can find this on their website, or I'll send out a link to you this week.

And just the basic statement there, without going into much detail, that the call to engage in counseling conversations is the call to love others well. And they're just trying to summarize this basic idea that we are called not only to communicate truth, we are called to love people and to express care.

And they have four different areas that I'll briefly review. Caring for counselors and sacrificing time for them. You have caring for counselors through tangible acts of care. You have caring for counselors in deciding whether or not to charge fees for counseling. Our own counseling ministry does not charge fees for counseling.

In the ACBC world generally, we do not charge fees for counseling. There are some situations where charging a fee or a suggested donation might be appropriate, but they're just saying there that you wanna communicate that clearly what policy you have on charging fees. And then they have a statement on caring for counselees in protecting the weak from harm.

And I would just encourage you to think through that document and read that, and you can get more detail on that from the website. Let me move then to page, I believe this is page number four. And what I'm gonna do here as just an overview is I'm gonna give you in summary, Wayne Mac has 18 strategies to develop a caring relationship.

If you read the chapter in Christ-Centered Biblical Counseling by Jeremy Pierre and Mark Shaw, they have 10 strategies for developing a caring relationship. And then I've developed just from my own experience and observing counselors in our own counseling ministry, I've developed 13 strategies for developing a caring relationship. So if you add all that up, 18, 10, and 13, we have potentially 41 practical strategies for developing a caring relationship in this document and in our course notes.

Now, you only need six to write an essay on this subject. So what I would encourage you to do is we're gonna just go rapid pace and just bullet point, here are some strategies, and you'll find that many of them overlap in some ways, but just pick out as we walk through this, what are the six strategies that you find most interesting or the most convicting or the most challenging, or maybe you haven't thought about that strategy before, and you want to just do some more reflection on that.

Choose six, and you can even star them as we go along. We're gonna go fairly rapidly, but we'll just go through as an overview some of these strategies, and then for your essay purposes, choose six and do a further study on those six strategies. And I hope this will prime the pump for you to write this essay.

So let me go through some of Wayne Mack's 18 strategies, and you will find this on his document or his journal article, "Developing a Caring Relationship with a Counselee." He says, "Strategy number one is think about "how you would feel if you were in the counselee's position. "Jesus showed compassion.

"Compassion is your pain in my heart, "and so placing yourself in the position of a counselee, "seeing the world through their eyes." We talked about in year one, the whole idea of if you're a five-year-old, and if you've lost a blanket, you've lost your world, you've lost your security, you've lost what you hold dear, and maybe a 45-year-old would look at that five-year-old and say, "Hey, it's not a big deal.

"It's just a blanket. "We can get you another blanket." But entering that person's world means not seeing the blanket through the eyes of a 45-year-old adult, but seeing that blanket through the eyes of the five-year-old who has just lost his or her blanket. And that's essentially a strategy for developing a caring relationship is seeing life through the eyes of a counselee.

Number two, think of the counselee as a family member. When I counsel, I try to ask the question if my wife or my son or my daughter were to really need counseling, and if they were to go to a biblical counselor, what would I want that counselor to be like?

What type of care would I want that counselor to express to my son or my daughter? And then I try to be that type of counselor to this person, because I need to be reminded this person is someone's son or daughter. And so think of the counselee as a family member.

How would you treat one of your close relatives? What tone of voice would you use? What words would you use? What approach would you use to help that person? In reality, our counselees are our spiritual brothers and sisters in Christ. Number three, think about your own sinfulness. Always remind yourself that you are not immune to sin yourself.

Be on guard against the spirit of self-righteousness that says, "Well, I would never sin in this way," or, "I would never do what this counselee has done." I think one of the greatest ways to hinder a caring relationship is to allow self-righteousness to grow in your heart, is to go home after a counseling session and say, "Boy, my counselee is just way out there.

"They have strayed so far. "I would never do that. "Oh, really?" Theologically, is that true? Each of us have a sin nature, and it is by the grace of God that we have been protected from certain sins, and so if we have made any progress in our sanctification, we should say with Paul, "By the grace of God, "I am what I am." So think about your own sinfulness when you're tempted to judge.

Number four, think of practical ways to show compassion, telling your counselee that you care. I don't think people will ever hear that too much. There are certain things that people never tire of. I don't think there's ever a problem with a counselee that I've had where my counselee has said to me, "Dan, I just am too encouraged.

"I'm just experiencing too much encouragement, "and so don't encourage me anymore." I've never heard that. Anyone say that to me? That just stop encouraging me because that's my problem is I'm just overloaded with hope. There are certain things, just telling your counselee, "I care about you. "We love you in the Lord.

"We want you to grow. "I'm thankful for you." Paul always told people he ministered to that, "I'm thankful for you. "I'm always thanking God for you." He even said that of the Corinthians who had a lot of problems. But he said, "I thank God for you "and for the fellowship that we have in Christ." Praying for them, rejoicing and grieving with your counselee.

I'll say a little bit more about that in a moment. Dealing with your counselee gently and tenderly, being tactful, speaking with graciousness, continuing to love and accept them even when they reject your counsel. So I was told this by another counselor that whatever your counselee's sin issue is, they will at some point sin that sin against you if they're struggling with anger.

At some point in the counseling relationship, they're gonna get angry with you. And so just learning to forgive, learning to pray for that counselee, forgiving them of any wrong that they've done to you, being willing to meet their physical needs. Not that you have to do all of that yourself, but just engaging the body of Christ in the counseling process is helpful.

Using proper verbal communication, gentleness, sweetness of speech, using proper nonverbal communication. Wayne Mack has this helpful acronym, SOLVER, squared soldiers, open stance, lean forward slightly, vocal quality, eye contact and relational posture. I think that's just a helpful overview of just think through posture, think through nonverbal communication, how you're communicating care for others by how you're even sitting or how you're speaking to others in terms of tone of voice.

Going back to continuing the list, taking the counselee's problems seriously, never minimize the problems presented by your counselees. You may be even going through a trial that is objectively 10 times greater than what your counselee is going through, but don't use that as an opportunity to minimize their struggle.

What your counselee is going through is significant to him or her. And so never minimizing that, never saying, well, I've got a bigger trial or I went through a bigger trial than you are and I came out fine. But just acknowledging that what this person is going through in his or her experience is very real and very big to them.

Trusting your counselee, believe what your counselee says. I mean, this is a good rule of thumb is just believing what they say unless you have facts to prove otherwise. Bringing a suspicious attitude into a counseling session is one way to really break down that caring relationship. And so you're asking questions in order to gather data, but you're not asking questions like a lawyer would cross-examine a defendant.

You're not bringing a suspicious attitude into that relationship. Expressing confidence in your counselee, as Paul did to the Corinthians in 2 Corinthians 7, verse 16, "I rejoice because I have complete confidence in you." I mean, so many times you're coming alongside people and just saying, "I know you can do this.

I know that you can complete this assignment. I know you can grow in this area. I have confidence in you because I know that you're a Christian, you're filled with the spirit of God. I know you can grow in this." Or just saying, "I know you can go home and apologize to your wife.

I'm gonna pray for you and I'm eager and excited to hear how that goes because I think it's gonna go well if you humble yourself. And I know you can do that by the grace of God." Just being an encourager in that way is helpful in this relationship. Welcoming your counselee's input, even asking, "How can I grow as a counselor?

Is there anything here that you can help me with in terms of me growing as a minister of Christ?" He mentions maintaining confidentiality, which is, I think, essential. Building a relationship of trust. We do practice limited confidentiality, not absolute confidentiality. So there are times where you do need to go to an elder or go to your elder board or go to a pastor with an issue.

But if that's not the case, in most sessions, there is practiced, ought to be practiced confidentiality. Just being trustworthy with that information. You should not be in a counseling session and then sharing with your small group what went on in that session or sharing with anyone else what happened in that session.

Most of the counseling sessions, even that I oversee in our counseling ministry, I don't know the details as a pastor unless I really need to know. The counselors practice confidentiality as much as possible because that builds trust to know that you're going to be discreet with information that is shared.

And then he has being honest about your own qualifications, being honest about your own weaknesses, being honest about your own goals and agenda, being honest about your own limitations. Be balanced with this. You don't need to overshare about your weaknesses. You don't want to make the session all about you and your problems, but there are appropriate times in counseling where it's just appropriate to insert, I'm wrestling with this just as you are.

I've often counseled husbands with 1 Peter 3, verse seven, husbands live with your wives in an understanding way. And as I've counseled them, I've shared with them, I'm trying to learn this in my own, in my own marriage and express this type of care for my own wife. And it's a battle for me as well.

I'm seeking to grow and be challenged as well alongside of you. And so just in appropriate times, being willing to share your own weaknesses. Jeremy Pierre and Mark Shaw have 10 strategies doing the hard work of listening well. It does take time and patience, just not being distracted, not looking at the bird that's flying out in the sky, in the window, not being distracted by texts, or I always have my phone off when I counsel, just not even on silent, just have your phone off.

I encourage my counselee to have his phone off as we counsel. I'm respecting you by devoting this time to you. And I ask you to respect this time as well by having your phone off and having no distractions. And just listening well, learning to take judicious notes. Different counselors have different styles of taking notes.

Some counselors like to take more notes, some take less. I personally like to take minimal notes in this session. I like to keep eye contact and just try to stay concentrated and stay focused on what the counselee is saying. I will write down specific information, especially names when the counselee shares about his wife's name or his children's name, or his mom or dad's name.

I wanna write that down. I wanna learn those names. And then I wanna use those names from that point on in the counseling session. I don't wanna be referring to the wife or the mom or the mother-in-law. I want to use the name of the person in the counseling session because that's just a way of expressing care.

So in note-taking, I'll write down key information like that but I won't be taking copious notes in the counseling session. What I'll do is after the counseling session is over, I will do detailed notes from what happened in the session. But different counselors have different styles on that. You'll learn your style.

That will help you the best. But that's part of the hard work of listening well. They have asking insightful questions, keeping the love of Christ central, being wise in the word, demonstrating Christ-like sympathy, displaying hope that in a situation that may seem hopeless, setting proper expectations, demonstrating dependence on the Lord through prayer, being available while maintaining proper limits.

You wanna talk through this when you get into phase three of your training, the limits of texting and emailing. That's a discussion. There's no hard and fast rule on that but that's something that does need to be thought through before you get into formal counseling is how much of texting and emailing and phone calls going to be part of that counseling relationship.

There really is no one rule on that but it is something you want to set limits on and communicate clearly with your counselee. And then setting up clear expectations regarding time and duration of meetings. Okay, let me get to the last part here with what we've learned here at Kindred.

And this is just, this isn't from a book, this is just things that have proven to work well in our own ministry, in our own church. I'm not gonna say these are genius things but they're just things that have proven to express care for our counselees. Number one would be make a commitment to pray for your counselees on a regular basis.

I mean, we can get so complicated with counseling ministry. We can get into all these seminars and read all these books and tapes and just make it more complicated than it ought to be and get back, get away from just doing the biblical basics. And the biblical basic is when you counsel someone, make a commitment to pray for them every day.

Just make that commitment, just that I'm gonna engage in intercessory prayer on behalf of my counselee and you will be amazed at how that does change and transform the way you relate to your counselee in the counseling session. I remember in a small group meeting, one of the counselors in our ministry, she's also in our small group and she was sharing in the small group, she was saying, I feel so close to you all and fellowship to the members of the small group.

And we were wondering why she felt that way, seeing that we hadn't met in two weeks. And she just said, since the last time we met, I've been praying for each of you every day in my prayer life. And because of that, I feel so close to you in fellowship.

I feel like I'm part of your lives. It's just amazing that when you make that simple commitment to pray for your counselees, how that does strengthen your relationship with that person. Withholding judgment until you've heard both sides of a conflict, just very practical, especially in a marital counseling situation.

You want to believe all things. Oftentimes you'll hear one side of a marital conflict and you'll just think the worst of the other spouse. And when the other spouse comes in and you get them together in counseling, you realize that there are really two sides of the story. And so you always want to be on guard, not to prejudge the other person until you have heard the other side of the story.

Proverbs 18, verse 17, the one who states his case first seems right until the other comes and examines him. I can't think of a better way to destroy a relationship with a counselee than to allow an unfair judgmental spirit to enter into the counseling meetings. Number three, celebrate each step of obedience in a counselee's life.

Counseling is like teaching a child to walk. Each of my children, we taught them to walk. And when they took that first step, we were overjoyed. So you did it, you took one step, now take another one. And that's how we need to be with our counselees. You did it, you did this homework assignment, you went to this service, you read this book.

I have confidence in you that you can take the next step. Learn to celebrate each step in the life of a counselee. Number four is be diligent in preparing for the counseling sessions. Just little things, showing up on time or showing up early so that you can set up the room and not be hurried.

Making sure that there's water and coffee and tissues. And I've learned that temperature matters in counseling ministry. That if you're in a room that's just really stuffy and you're meeting with a counselee for an hour and a half, you're both gonna be falling asleep by the end of that session.

So just setting the right temperature that's comfortable, that's not too hot and not too cold. And doing those little things does make a difference in counseling ministry and just being prepared. The counseling session may go a different direction than you had planned, but just preparing for that session is one way of honoring the person that you are ministering to.

I wanna hit number five and just kind of emphasize this for a moment, but respecting the counselee's comfort level and talking about sensitive issues. As I mentioned, I like to ask permission. I like to make sure, do I have your permission to ask about this area of your life?

I don't wanna assume the right to just talk about anything in the counselee's life. I want to ask, would it be okay if I asked about this area of your life? And to get buy-in and verbal permission to do so. I mean, your counseling may have had a really rough family life growing up.

And before you just barge into that and start asking questions about mom and dad and brother and sister, you just want to ask permission. Do I have permission to ask you about your family or about your dad? Some of those discussions can get real sensitive and you just wanna be aware of that.

And I think that helps to build a caring relationship. There are even areas where I will ask our counselee, if you're gonna go into that area of life, even to get written permission, just to make it clear that I do have permission to talk about this area of your life and not have any misunderstanding of that.

So just respecting the counselee's comfort level in talking about sensitive issues. I think is another strategy. Number six, giving your counselee undistracted attention. I think I talked about that. That's something that we all need to develop. Number seven, learning to say by the grace of God, I am what I am and avoiding the spirit of a Pharisee.

Number eight, especially with grieving people, don't be in a hurry to move people past their sorrow. I think that's one way of just respecting and caring for our counselees. There are very few people who request counseling who come in for the first session and say, my problem is I'm just too happy.

But there are many who come in for counseling who say, I'm just really struggling with the sorrows of life. And I have found in working with people in the church that sometimes Christians, they feel guilty. That they're struggling with sorrow or experiencing sorrow for a length of time. It's almost as if, well, I'm supposed to be a Christian.

So I should only be sad for one day out of the year and I should really just get over it. And I just try to encourage believers whenever I get the chance that Jesus was a man of sorrows and he wept at the grave side of Lazarus. He was perfect humanity and yet he was sad.

He experienced real sorrow. So you can experience sorrow and be like Jesus. You can weep and it's okay. You can be like Jesus as you cry tears. And I've just learned also in counseling ministry, always have tissues. You have a counselor who comes in and you just think, well, this person seems strong and we're not gonna need tissues for this session.

It's a big mistake. Always have tissues because people are dealing with the brokenness of this world. They're going through heavy times. And one of the ways that you care for them is just letting them know it's okay. It's okay to grieve. It's okay to experience sorrow. And we're gonna walk with God through this sorrow together.

And I'm gonna be patient with you. I'm not going to try to rush you through this process. And I think that's just one way of developing a caring relationship. Ask God to give you emotions where emotions are appropriate, whether that's joy or sorrow. We could say much more about that, but just there are times in a counseling session where just quick prayer up to the Lord.

I prayed, Lord, give me the appropriate emotion here. I should be feeling joy and I'm not feeling joy. Lord, give me joy because my counselee has just experienced a breakthrough or I should be feeling sorrow because my counselee is sharing something very heavy. And so Lord, give me the appropriate emotion for this setting.

As I mentioned, when appropriate, be open about sharing your own weaknesses. Number 11, ask the counselee to pray for you. Even the Apostle Paul asked believers to pray for him. And if Paul needed prayer, then all of us need prayer. And we shouldn't be ashamed of asking for that.

We can say to our counselees, I'm praying for you. And will you pray for me that I would have wisdom in guiding this relationship? I've observed some of our counselors and they just do a wonderful job of weaving that into the counseling session. Would you pray for me? Because I wanna be the best help to you as I can be.

We already mentioned number 12, being confidential and trustworthy. And then number 13, I'll end with this, remembering names, remembering names. I think I shared this in some setting. I'm not sure if it was in this class, but I used to say, I'm just not good at names. I'm not good at learning names.

And I guess people like to say that. And I really wasn't good at learning names. And when I studied Romans 16, I was convicted that learning names is an act of love. And if the Apostle Paul can learn this entire chapter full of names, and he wasn't even at the church at Rome, then surely I can learn my counselee's name and the names of my counselee's family, friends and neighbors.

And just to, as a discipline, to use their names and to learn their names. And I just found that that does help to, it changes the dynamic of the counseling relationship when you're speaking of names and you're saying, I'm not just praying for your father or mother, but you're praying for Jack or you're praying for Sally.

You're using the names. That's just a skill that I think communicates care. So there you have it. Those are like 40 something plus strategies of developing a counseling relationship. Of course, the challenge is not only being able to list these, but to actually put these into practice in our own lives.

So for this essay, pick six. What are some of the things that you've heard in this session that would be helpful or challenging to you? Pick six. And star them, circle them. And for your essay, write six paragraphs. Name some scriptural support for each strategy and then talk about how practically that would work out in your life.

And so I wanna close with this. Wayne Mack has said, "Though God sometimes chooses "to accomplish His work through unlikely ways "and unlikely people, the Bible emphasizes "that God usually changes lives in a situation "where relationship of concern and trust exists "between the helper and the one who needs help." As biblical counselors, we must do all that we can, and I love this.

This is what we're aiming for here, to wrap the content of our counseling in a package of compassion, respect, and honesty. And I trust that the Lord will give you grace to do that. Let me pray for us. Father, thank you so much for this look at your word and how it would challenge and instruct our lives.

And I just pray that this would be true of each of us. Help us, Lord, to express the character of Christ, who was gentle, lowly, compassionate, approachable, welcoming, not pointing the finger of self-righteous judgment, but touching the leper, healing the blind man, weeping at the gravesite of Lazarus, walking among those who were afflicted with sorrow and who were in sin.

We thank you that Jesus is the mighty friend of sinners. He is the wonderful counselor. And we pray that if he is the friend of sinners, we may learn to be earnest and good friends as well, and that we would wrap this content of the truth of your word in a package of Christ-like compassion and care.

Do this work in each of our hearts. Give us, the students here, just a wonderful time of study as they write this essay. And bless us all, we pray in Jesus' name, amen. - Amen, well, God bless you. If you have any questions, what I'm gonna do is ask you to email me this week, and I'll do my best to get back to you this week.

And you can also email counseling@kinderchurch.org if you have any questions on admin. God bless you, have a wonderful.