On Codependent Dating Relationships
00:00:00.000 | We have talked about jealousy in dating relationships.
00:00:07.000 | That was the main theme of episode 1177.
00:00:11.840 | But we've never really talked about codependency in dating.
00:00:14.720 | That theme is also important.
00:00:16.520 | The question came in to us from a young man.
00:00:18.880 | No name was given.
00:00:19.880 | "Hello, Pastor John.
00:00:20.880 | Thank you for the APJ podcast.
00:00:23.200 | I have been in a relationship where my girlfriend has come to depend on me to what feels like
00:00:29.000 | an unhealthy extent.
00:00:31.040 | She spends less and less time with her friends, even less and less time with her family, and
00:00:35.240 | increasingly relies on me as her sole relationship.
00:00:40.120 | This does not seem healthy to me, is it?
00:00:43.480 | And what should I do?"
00:00:45.480 | Even though this young man doesn't say so, I'm going to assume that part of what is behind
00:00:52.960 | this question is the prospect of marriage and the concern that this woman's excessive
00:01:00.160 | dependence on him might bode ill for what she would be like as a wife, as a partner
00:01:07.920 | for a lifetime.
00:01:10.000 | Marriage is not an experiment.
00:01:14.200 | It's a lifelong covenant.
00:01:17.320 | It is good that the traditional wedding vows contain the phrase, "As long as we both
00:01:24.240 | shall live," or "Till death do us part."
00:01:28.040 | That kind of promise is biblically rooted.
00:01:32.360 | It's right.
00:01:33.360 | We should promise that at our wedding service.
00:01:37.640 | So every man and woman who contemplates such a lifelong covenant should be looking for
00:01:45.280 | evidences of unshakable faith in Christ and deep roots of Christian character and strength.
00:01:55.480 | Of course, no one is an infallible judge of faith and character, no one but God, which
00:02:04.080 | is why a Christian man and a Christian woman should be earnest in prayer that God would
00:02:10.440 | protect them from marrying someone who would destroy the marriage or who would make the
00:02:18.680 | relationship a dishonor to Christ.
00:02:21.960 | So the young man who asked this question is putting his finger on the criteria that we
00:02:29.140 | should look for when dating someone who could become our spouse.
00:02:33.600 | He's putting his finger on what we might call this young woman's neediness.
00:02:40.640 | Now I'm in no position to judge on the particular issue of this woman that he's talking about.
00:02:48.160 | I know so little about her and so many factors can shape a person's behavior.
00:02:54.680 | I would be foolish to pass any judgment on her.
00:02:58.800 | So let me just speak generally about what he should be looking for, especially as it
00:03:06.600 | relates to spiritual or psychological neediness or what he's referring to, I think, as codependency.
00:03:17.360 | I have five suggestions based on five passages of Scripture, and since it's a man who asked
00:03:26.020 | about a woman that he's dating, I'll state these suggestions in terms of the kind of
00:03:31.900 | woman that he should be looking for, even though in these five cases I think the same
00:03:37.300 | things apply to what a woman should be looking for in a man.
00:03:41.780 | Number one, does she value Jesus and her relationship to Jesus as more precious than any other relationship
00:03:52.640 | she has?
00:03:53.640 | Philippians 3, 7, "Whatever gain I had, I counted as lost for the sake of Christ.
00:04:00.220 | Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ
00:04:08.060 | Jesus my Lord."
00:04:11.220 | This is the most important question.
00:04:14.660 | Can you detect that you are number two in her life, not number one?
00:04:23.220 | Can you discern that she would rejoice to be number two in your life, not number one?
00:04:32.180 | If the supremacy of Christ is not firmly in place, nothing else in the relationship will
00:04:40.100 | be properly in place.
00:04:42.600 | Number two, has Christ become so hope-giving and so stabilizing and so satisfying for her
00:04:53.720 | that you can see whether her strengths and her identity and her stability are undermined
00:05:02.880 | or not by low points and high points of her life?
00:05:09.240 | Philippians 4, 11, "Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever
00:05:15.440 | situation I am to be content."
00:05:18.760 | Has she learned this?
00:05:20.080 | "I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound.
00:05:25.760 | In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance
00:05:33.600 | and need.
00:05:35.460 | I can do all things through him, namely Christ, who strengthens me."
00:05:41.000 | Do you see this kind of inner strength coming from her faith in Christ so that she is functioning
00:05:48.580 | and fruitful as a person in the best of times and the worst of times?
00:05:55.480 | Number three, it is not unchristian.
00:05:58.360 | I'll just admit this, it is not unchristian for a person to, in faith in Christ, feel
00:06:09.560 | the need for another person.
00:06:13.180 | There is a biblical kind of need which is not the same as neediness.
00:06:19.460 | Does she have the kind of need for you which is at root capable of honoring you, not using
00:06:28.260 | you?
00:06:29.260 | Now, here's where I'm getting that idea.
00:06:31.780 | Consider the peculiar way that Paul argues in 1 Corinthians 12, 21 to 23.
00:06:41.220 | In describing relationships between Christians in the body of Christ, he says this, "The
00:06:47.260 | eye cannot say to the hand, 'I have no need of you.'
00:06:55.300 | On the contrary, the parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable, and on
00:07:04.180 | those parts of the body that we think are less honorable, we bestow the greater honor."
00:07:11.420 | In other words, he interprets the kind of need that a member of the body has for another
00:07:18.320 | member as a need which honors the other member.
00:07:25.700 | That's really strange and wonderful.
00:07:28.500 | That's a very unusual kind of need.
00:07:31.840 | So the question for the young man is, is this young woman's need for him the kind of need
00:07:41.620 | that Paul's talking about?
00:07:44.300 | Does it have the capacity and the commitment not to consume him with neediness, but to
00:07:52.380 | confer on him honor?
00:07:55.980 | Number four, does she have the inner composure and resilience so that her joy in Christ is
00:08:04.180 | not ruined if she is rejected by other people?
00:08:09.740 | Luke 6:22, "Blessed are you when people hate you and when they exclude you and revile you
00:08:19.100 | on account of the Son of Man.
00:08:21.700 | Rejoice in that day and leap for joy, for behold, your reward is great in heaven."
00:08:31.860 | In other words, the reward is supposed to be so deep, so stabilizing, so satisfying
00:08:37.300 | that rejection by people does not undermine the joy.
00:08:42.420 | Do you see evidence in her that she would respond the way Paul does in 1 Corinthians
00:08:50.580 | 4.12?
00:08:51.580 | "When reviled, we bless; when persecuted, we endure; when slandered, we entreat."
00:09:01.140 | Or do you see evidence that if she were treated that way, she would be emotionally incapacitated?
00:09:09.580 | Finally, number five, does she have some track record of the paradoxical Christian experience
00:09:18.340 | of sorrowful yet always rejoicing?
00:09:21.540 | 2 Corinthians 6.10, Paul describes his own experience as sorrowful yet always rejoicing.
00:09:29.340 | In other words, no matter how real or painful the loss, the boulder of God's joy beneath
00:09:37.460 | the waves of the sorrow never moves.
00:09:42.940 | So those five questions I would ask in trying to discern whether the emotional and relational
00:09:52.180 | dependence in a dating relationship is dysfunctional or unhealthy or codependent.
00:10:00.620 | And if, as I can imagine, your response to these kinds of questions is to say, "Piper,
00:10:09.180 | nobody, nobody measures up to that standard."
00:10:14.580 | My response is, "To be sure, nobody is perfect in these five ways.
00:10:22.980 | But a person who is truly born of God knows some measure of these things, has tasted them,
00:10:34.340 | and does not shrink back from such questions, but really wants to grow in all these ways.
00:10:43.140 | So look for this, and may God give you discernment in the second biggest decision of your life."
00:10:51.980 | Thank you, Pastor John.
00:10:54.180 | And we have a dozen or so episodes in the archive right now on dating relationships.
00:10:58.140 | You can check them out or send a follow-up question of your own.
00:11:00.580 | You can do all that from our online home at desiringgod.org/askpastorjohn.
00:11:06.260 | And not to mention, we have many articles and books at the site too for those who are
00:11:10.820 | dating.
00:11:11.820 | Check those out.
00:11:12.860 | Well, do angels walk among us today?
00:11:15.860 | It's a classic Bible question, but one we haven't gotten to yet on the podcast.
00:11:20.860 | Until now, the question is about Hebrews 13.2.
00:11:23.860 | That text says, "Do not neglect to show hospitality to strangers, for thereby some have entertained
00:11:28.860 | angels unawares."
00:11:30.860 | So do angels walk among us today?
00:11:33.860 | I'm your host Tony Reinke.
00:11:34.860 | We will see you back here on Monday for that.
00:11:36.860 | Have a great weekend.
00:11:37.860 | [END]
00:11:39.860 | Page 1 of 10
00:11:40.860 | Page 1 of 10
00:11:41.860 | Page 1 of 10
00:11:42.860 | Page 1 of 10
00:11:43.860 | Page 1 of 10
00:11:43.860 | [BLANK_AUDIO]