We have talked about jealousy in dating relationships. That was the main theme of episode 1177. But we've never really talked about codependency in dating. That theme is also important. The question came in to us from a young man. No name was given. "Hello, Pastor John. Thank you for the APJ podcast.

I have been in a relationship where my girlfriend has come to depend on me to what feels like an unhealthy extent. She spends less and less time with her friends, even less and less time with her family, and increasingly relies on me as her sole relationship. This does not seem healthy to me, is it?

And what should I do?" Even though this young man doesn't say so, I'm going to assume that part of what is behind this question is the prospect of marriage and the concern that this woman's excessive dependence on him might bode ill for what she would be like as a wife, as a partner for a lifetime.

Marriage is not an experiment. It's a lifelong covenant. It is good that the traditional wedding vows contain the phrase, "As long as we both shall live," or "Till death do us part." That kind of promise is biblically rooted. It's right. We should promise that at our wedding service. So every man and woman who contemplates such a lifelong covenant should be looking for evidences of unshakable faith in Christ and deep roots of Christian character and strength.

Of course, no one is an infallible judge of faith and character, no one but God, which is why a Christian man and a Christian woman should be earnest in prayer that God would protect them from marrying someone who would destroy the marriage or who would make the relationship a dishonor to Christ.

So the young man who asked this question is putting his finger on the criteria that we should look for when dating someone who could become our spouse. He's putting his finger on what we might call this young woman's neediness. Now I'm in no position to judge on the particular issue of this woman that he's talking about.

I know so little about her and so many factors can shape a person's behavior. I would be foolish to pass any judgment on her. So let me just speak generally about what he should be looking for, especially as it relates to spiritual or psychological neediness or what he's referring to, I think, as codependency.

I have five suggestions based on five passages of Scripture, and since it's a man who asked about a woman that he's dating, I'll state these suggestions in terms of the kind of woman that he should be looking for, even though in these five cases I think the same things apply to what a woman should be looking for in a man.

Number one, does she value Jesus and her relationship to Jesus as more precious than any other relationship she has? Philippians 3, 7, "Whatever gain I had, I counted as lost for the sake of Christ. Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord." This is the most important question.

Can you detect that you are number two in her life, not number one? Can you discern that she would rejoice to be number two in your life, not number one? If the supremacy of Christ is not firmly in place, nothing else in the relationship will be properly in place.

Number two, has Christ become so hope-giving and so stabilizing and so satisfying for her that you can see whether her strengths and her identity and her stability are undermined or not by low points and high points of her life? Philippians 4, 11, "Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content." Has she learned this?

"I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him, namely Christ, who strengthens me." Do you see this kind of inner strength coming from her faith in Christ so that she is functioning and fruitful as a person in the best of times and the worst of times?

Number three, it is not unchristian. I'll just admit this, it is not unchristian for a person to, in faith in Christ, feel the need for another person. There is a biblical kind of need which is not the same as neediness. Does she have the kind of need for you which is at root capable of honoring you, not using you?

Now, here's where I'm getting that idea. Consider the peculiar way that Paul argues in 1 Corinthians 12, 21 to 23. In describing relationships between Christians in the body of Christ, he says this, "The eye cannot say to the hand, 'I have no need of you.' On the contrary, the parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable, and on those parts of the body that we think are less honorable, we bestow the greater honor." In other words, he interprets the kind of need that a member of the body has for another member as a need which honors the other member.

That's really strange and wonderful. That's a very unusual kind of need. So the question for the young man is, is this young woman's need for him the kind of need that Paul's talking about? Does it have the capacity and the commitment not to consume him with neediness, but to confer on him honor?

Number four, does she have the inner composure and resilience so that her joy in Christ is not ruined if she is rejected by other people? Luke 6:22, "Blessed are you when people hate you and when they exclude you and revile you on account of the Son of Man. Rejoice in that day and leap for joy, for behold, your reward is great in heaven." In other words, the reward is supposed to be so deep, so stabilizing, so satisfying that rejection by people does not undermine the joy.

Do you see evidence in her that she would respond the way Paul does in 1 Corinthians 4.12? "When reviled, we bless; when persecuted, we endure; when slandered, we entreat." Or do you see evidence that if she were treated that way, she would be emotionally incapacitated? Finally, number five, does she have some track record of the paradoxical Christian experience of sorrowful yet always rejoicing?

2 Corinthians 6.10, Paul describes his own experience as sorrowful yet always rejoicing. In other words, no matter how real or painful the loss, the boulder of God's joy beneath the waves of the sorrow never moves. So those five questions I would ask in trying to discern whether the emotional and relational dependence in a dating relationship is dysfunctional or unhealthy or codependent.

And if, as I can imagine, your response to these kinds of questions is to say, "Piper, nobody, nobody measures up to that standard." My response is, "To be sure, nobody is perfect in these five ways. But a person who is truly born of God knows some measure of these things, has tasted them, and does not shrink back from such questions, but really wants to grow in all these ways.

So look for this, and may God give you discernment in the second biggest decision of your life." Thank you, Pastor John. And we have a dozen or so episodes in the archive right now on dating relationships. You can check them out or send a follow-up question of your own.

You can do all that from our online home at desiringgod.org/askpastorjohn. And not to mention, we have many articles and books at the site too for those who are dating. Check those out. Well, do angels walk among us today? It's a classic Bible question, but one we haven't gotten to yet on the podcast.

Until now, the question is about Hebrews 13.2. That text says, "Do not neglect to show hospitality to strangers, for thereby some have entertained angels unawares." So do angels walk among us today? I'm your host Tony Reinke. We will see you back here on Monday for that. Have a great weekend.

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