Session 2 - God's Design For Husbands
00:00:00.000 | Well, good morning.
00:00:03.200 | Well, thank you both of you. Good morning.
00:00:09.000 | Oh, that's much better.
00:00:10.960 | You're awake now.
00:00:12.120 | It's good to see you after a very busy evening.
00:00:16.120 | You guys are the die-hards that are back.
00:00:18.560 | So, up early and ready to go.
00:00:21.840 | Of course, this is the session which I know your wife drug you
00:00:25.240 | to because it's about the husbands and this is usually
00:00:30.280 | the session where the women themselves take copious notes.
00:00:36.040 | So, this is probably what's going to happen here today anyhow.
00:00:40.880 | Let me see if I can get this up straight.
00:00:42.680 | Okay, good. So, we want to jump right into God's design for husbands.
00:00:49.280 | What is the role? The Bible clearly outlines.
00:00:51.880 | You know, I'm afraid that I have had the opportunity over the last 40,
00:00:55.600 | 45 years to counsel a lot of people in a variety of different churches,
00:00:59.400 | variety of different settings, and it's amazing.
00:01:01.720 | Even from churches that are very solid Bible-believing,
00:01:06.080 | Bible-teaching churches, how unclear this is in men's minds.
00:01:12.800 | One of my things here is to make it very clear.
00:01:16.400 | I want to make this very memorable.
00:01:18.120 | I want you to be able to walk away and you
00:01:20.360 | don't even have to have a Bible in your hand.
00:01:22.520 | All you have to think about is some really key principles there
00:01:25.960 | to just see how you're doing in order to be a godly husband.
00:01:29.360 | So, this is really key.
00:01:31.960 | In order to get started here,
00:01:33.920 | remember how we said last night,
00:01:35.880 | Romans chapter 12, verse 9,
00:01:37.240 | the whole theme of the conference is,
00:01:39.840 | somebody asked you at the end of this weekend, what did you do?
00:01:42.440 | I went to a marriage conference and I learned how to hate more.
00:01:45.520 | I learned how to hate my own sin more.
00:01:48.840 | That's exactly what Romans 12, 9 talks about.
00:01:52.360 | Let love be genuine,
00:01:54.680 | abhor or hate what is evil,
00:01:57.280 | and cling to that which is good.
00:02:00.640 | So, I realize areas in my life as a husband or as a wife that I am violating God's word in,
00:02:10.600 | I've got to learn to turn all my negative emotions on
00:02:15.160 | that violation and learn to hate that about myself,
00:02:19.480 | and learn to cling to that which is good.
00:02:22.080 | That's what I need to do.
00:02:23.440 | That's really important, and this is what we need to do today here as well.
00:02:28.880 | For husbands, we're going to talk about three key areas to help you to
00:02:33.200 | remember your role as a godly husband,
00:02:37.000 | and I just want you to use them,
00:02:38.760 | put them in the back pocket of your memory,
00:02:40.600 | and pull them out every now and then say,
00:02:42.560 | "How am I doing? How am I doing?"
00:02:44.560 | I'm not going to share these so that wives can hold you to these standards.
00:02:49.960 | I'm sharing this so that you will hold yourself to this standard.
00:02:54.800 | So, this is really important.
00:02:56.640 | Even though your wife may keep copious notes on this,
00:03:00.160 | it's not her job to be your personal Holy Spirit.
00:03:03.760 | You already have one to convict you of sin,
00:03:05.960 | righteousness, and judgment, and she's not the Holy Spirit.
00:03:09.360 | She never will be, and it's not her job to do that,
00:03:11.760 | to remind you of all the areas where you're doing things wrong.
00:03:15.680 | No, no, no. You have a Holy Spirit.
00:03:17.640 | The Holy Spirit will do a whole bunch better job than she'll ever do.
00:03:21.720 | So, it's not her job to do that kind of thing.
00:03:25.000 | Now, take your Bible.
00:03:26.680 | If you don't have a Bible near you,
00:03:28.120 | look on somebody who's close by. You need to see this.
00:03:31.280 | Let's go back to Genesis 3.
00:03:32.760 | Remember, we went back to Genesis last night,
00:03:35.080 | and we talked a little bit about what did God set as the standard for family,
00:03:41.640 | for marriage, we talked about the purpose of marriage being that of companionship,
00:03:46.920 | and that's the very thing that really suffers
00:03:49.480 | when a marriage gets into trouble is the issue of companionship.
00:03:53.480 | Well, we're going to drop in to Genesis 3 now.
00:03:57.920 | After the fall has occurred,
00:03:59.840 | Adam and Eve have sinned,
00:04:01.440 | God has brought the curse upon them,
00:04:04.400 | and in bringing the curse,
00:04:06.040 | first he talks to the serpent,
00:04:07.880 | then he talks to the woman,
00:04:09.080 | then he talks to the man,
00:04:10.480 | but in between the man and woman's curse,
00:04:14.480 | there's a transitional statement there.
00:04:17.160 | It says in verse 16 to the woman he said,
00:04:19.840 | "I will surely multiply your pain in childbearing,
00:04:24.600 | in pain you shall bring for children."
00:04:26.760 | Now, I want you to think about that for a moment,
00:04:28.400 | because we're going to come back to that a little bit later on the last session that we
00:04:32.000 | do and explain that and flush that out a little bit more fully.
00:04:36.320 | But then he says, and here's the transitional phrase,
00:04:39.400 | "Your desire shall be for your husband and he shall rule over you."
00:04:44.640 | Now, the question now comes,
00:04:46.080 | what does that mean?
00:04:47.840 | I cannot tell you how many trees have died producing
00:04:51.760 | paper to make books explaining what that meant down through history.
00:04:56.480 | There are all kinds of commentaries on this particular thing.
00:05:01.120 | What does it mean when it says,
00:05:03.180 | "Your desire," he says to the woman,
00:05:05.000 | "shall be for your husband and he shall rule over you."
00:05:08.240 | All kinds of theories are put out there.
00:05:10.680 | Now, one of the best hermeneutical rules,
00:05:12.840 | I teach hermeneutics and advanced hermeneutics in our graduate program.
00:05:16.400 | This is just principles of biblical interpretation.
00:05:18.960 | One of the best things you can remember is a text without a context is a pretext for
00:05:23.920 | a proof text. A text without a context is a pretext for a proof text.
00:05:28.240 | That's always important in relationship to biblical understanding.
00:05:32.680 | If you don't understand things within context,
00:05:34.920 | within the way in which that author has stated something,
00:05:38.040 | then you really don't understand what's going on.
00:05:41.560 | Now, you hate it when somebody takes you out of context, right?
00:05:45.320 | All right, you just hate that.
00:05:46.920 | I used an illustration back 2002,
00:05:49.640 | after the 9/11 and the towers came down.
00:05:53.680 | There's a story told real not far from here on a Shoney's,
00:05:57.040 | on Alligator Alley where a waitress overheard
00:06:00.600 | a couple of Muslim students talking about bringing it down in Miami,
00:06:04.480 | and she called the police.
00:06:05.840 | The police descended on them and arrested these two Muslim students and so on,
00:06:09.960 | and it turned out they weren't talking about bringing buildings down,
00:06:12.600 | they were talking about bringing money down to Miami.
00:06:15.000 | So, it turned out to be the wrong thing.
00:06:16.880 | So, they were totally taken out of context,
00:06:18.800 | and you hate it when you're taken out of context.
00:06:20.960 | You imagine how God feels when you take his word out of context, all right?
00:06:26.480 | You take it, you misuse it,
00:06:28.280 | and you use it for your own purposes.
00:06:30.080 | You don't use it the way God intended it.
00:06:32.040 | What does he think about that?
00:06:33.760 | That's why we say a text without a context is a pretext for proof text.
00:06:37.240 | That's why we say that. That's really important.
00:06:39.000 | You can't take things out of context.
00:06:40.360 | So, what does this mean within context?
00:06:42.960 | That's the key question.
00:06:44.080 | Well, one of the best ways to tell that,
00:06:46.080 | is you go to the next closest place where that same author uses the same word,
00:06:51.320 | in this particular case, the same Hebrew word,
00:06:54.240 | and see how he used it in that sense,
00:06:57.840 | and then we can put it back into this,
00:06:59.800 | and probably be pretty sure that that's what he meant here.
00:07:03.300 | Now, so the next time our author, in this case,
00:07:05.880 | Moses, uses this particular word,
00:07:08.560 | is Genesis chapter 4.
00:07:10.800 | If you go over to Genesis chapter 4,
00:07:13.960 | in verse 7, it says,
00:07:18.880 | God is talking to Cain and says,
00:07:21.600 | "If you do well, will you not be accepted?"
00:07:24.320 | Or really, literally, the Hebrew says,
00:07:26.000 | "Will not your face be lifted up?"
00:07:28.120 | Because there's always joy and obedience.
00:07:30.120 | "But if you do not do well,
00:07:32.040 | sin is crouching at the door.
00:07:35.280 | It's desire."
00:07:36.660 | There's our same word. See that word, desire?
00:07:38.500 | "It's desire is for you,
00:07:41.020 | but you must master it."
00:07:42.500 | Now, it's very clear what he means here.
00:07:44.320 | That is, sin is waiting at the door of Cain's life,
00:07:49.700 | and if Cain goes through that door,
00:07:53.420 | it desires, almost like a wild animal,
00:07:55.900 | to jump on him, and master him,
00:07:57.220 | and control him, and manipulate him, is the idea.
00:08:00.380 | So, desire, in this particular case,
00:08:02.480 | is a lust for control,
00:08:04.520 | a lust for desire,
00:08:06.700 | or desire for control.
00:08:08.360 | Now, if you take that meaning,
00:08:10.160 | plug that back in to 3.16,
00:08:12.760 | then all of a sudden, we get
00:08:14.080 | a little bit clearer understanding.
00:08:16.140 | Her desire is a result of the curse.
00:08:18.400 | Since Eve walked out in front of
00:08:20.200 | her husband and did this thing with the serpent,
00:08:22.200 | then her husband followed her,
00:08:23.520 | which is exactly the reverse of
00:08:25.280 | what God intended to happen.
00:08:27.980 | She's going to follow the natural consequences
00:08:31.220 | of her sin, is the idea.
00:08:33.960 | Your desire, in this particular case,
00:08:37.600 | that is, your desire to
00:08:40.200 | control and manipulate your husband,
00:08:43.440 | and his desire will be to rule over you.
00:08:46.640 | The word for rule there is
00:08:48.160 | a very heavy word that means despotic rule.
00:08:51.500 | So, her desire is to
00:08:52.760 | control and manipulate her husband.
00:08:54.400 | His desire is to rule.
00:08:56.040 | So, the husband and wife relationship
00:08:58.780 | under the curse becomes
00:09:00.220 | a game of king of the hill, all right?
00:09:03.180 | She wants to control and manipulate him,
00:09:06.020 | he wants to dominate and rule over her.
00:09:09.100 | So now, under the curse,
00:09:10.740 | marriage becomes a constant conflict.
00:09:15.540 | Now, even ungodly marriages can live in
00:09:18.540 | a relatively peaceful environment,
00:09:20.940 | but that's only a sustained truce.
00:09:23.860 | That's all that is.
00:09:25.460 | It's not the true intimacy and
00:09:28.020 | companionship that God
00:09:30.020 | intended in genuine marriage.
00:09:32.580 | That's not it at all.
00:09:33.900 | Doesn't even come close to it.
00:09:35.740 | But the idea here is,
00:09:37.660 | her desire is to control and manipulate her husband.
00:09:40.820 | His desire is to rule over her and dominate her,
00:09:44.980 | and so now marriage becomes a struggle.
00:09:49.180 | Even Christian marriages, to some extent,
00:09:52.460 | manifest that particular struggle.
00:09:56.020 | Sometimes the fruit or the results of
00:09:58.500 | that curse begins to
00:10:00.540 | occur even in the Christian marriage.
00:10:03.060 | My wife sometimes when she
00:10:04.340 | does women's seminars, she'll say this.
00:10:06.060 | She says, "I have never,
00:10:07.300 | ever counseled a woman where she didn't have,
00:10:09.780 | either overtly or covertly,
00:10:12.780 | wanted to control and manipulate
00:10:14.700 | what her husband did in her heart."
00:10:17.220 | That's what she wants.
00:10:18.260 | She wants him to turn out a certain way,
00:10:20.580 | and I've never met a guy in
00:10:23.060 | counseling that didn't have in some way,
00:10:25.180 | either overtly or covertly,
00:10:27.500 | trying to control and manipulate
00:10:30.180 | and keep his thumb on his wife,
00:10:34.020 | and so you've got this struggle where they were
00:10:37.220 | supposed to work together and compliment each other.
00:10:40.820 | Now, under the curse,
00:10:42.300 | marriage becomes, instead of a compliment, a conflict.
00:10:46.700 | Marriage becomes a conflict.
00:10:49.500 | It becomes a difficulty,
00:10:51.820 | a strife, if you will.
00:10:55.100 | There's the implication.
00:10:57.060 | Now, you're beginning to see why we have problems,
00:11:01.340 | why there are so many difficulties that go on,
00:11:07.180 | even in the Christian marriage.
00:11:09.540 | Now, in order to help you see this,
00:11:11.220 | there's a little comic strip.
00:11:12.460 | I remember finding this several years ago,
00:11:14.340 | and I kept it, and I had to put it up here.
00:11:17.100 | It says here, "I have a great idea," the wife says.
00:11:23.420 | "Let's reverse things.
00:11:24.740 | Today, you be grouchy at church and charming at home."
00:11:28.780 | I think that's pretty good.
00:11:33.660 | Today, I want you to be grouchy at church and charming at home.
00:11:38.180 | You go to church and all of a sudden,
00:11:39.660 | you turn on the charm and everybody sees it.
00:11:42.740 | Gentlemen, is that the way you are?
00:11:45.460 | At home, you're a grouch.
00:11:47.700 | You're a horrible person to live with.
00:11:50.500 | Then you get at church and oh my goodness,
00:11:52.940 | you're the most wonderful guy in the world,
00:11:54.980 | and you care about everybody,
00:11:56.620 | and now everything's going so well.
00:11:58.860 | That's not the way it should be.
00:12:00.780 | Never ever should it be that way. No way.
00:12:04.580 | So, here are some introductory concerns here.
00:12:07.340 | Number one, what is the nature of man's leadership in the home?
00:12:10.860 | What are we talking about here?
00:12:13.420 | In order to help you to understand this,
00:12:15.500 | I want you to grab your Bible for a moment,
00:12:17.540 | and go over to Matthew chapter 20.
00:12:21.100 | Matthew chapter 20.
00:12:24.420 | In order to understand a man's leadership in the home,
00:12:29.260 | Jesus talks about leadership here.
00:12:32.660 | He talks about how leadership is radically
00:12:35.780 | different than the way in which the world defines leadership.
00:12:39.260 | It is radically different, all right?
00:12:43.660 | Doesn't even come close to the world.
00:12:45.820 | In fact, it's an antithetical
00:12:48.500 | to what the world's definition of leadership is.
00:12:51.660 | You read all these books in business and stuff,
00:12:54.660 | and how to be a good leader,
00:12:55.740 | and you think about just about what the exact opposite of that is,
00:12:59.620 | you'll probably be pretty close to what the Bible says about it.
00:13:02.580 | All right, you don't even have to know the Bible.
00:13:04.980 | Just think about what the opposite is, all right?
00:13:08.300 | What is it?
00:13:09.780 | Well, notice this.
00:13:11.380 | Jesus defines leadership in verse 25.
00:13:14.700 | He says, "But Jesus called them to him and said,
00:13:18.060 | 'You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them,
00:13:22.460 | and their great ones exercise authority over them.'"
00:13:26.660 | Now, look at that very carefully.
00:13:28.260 | In fact, the world's concept of leadership
00:13:32.220 | is to use heavy-handed authority over people,
00:13:37.500 | to lord it over people.
00:13:39.860 | It's a top-down view of leadership.
00:13:43.380 | You do what I say because I'm in control.
00:13:47.700 | I control this in your life and that in your life,
00:13:50.700 | and you got to do what I say.
00:13:54.220 | Jesus says that's the way the world has functioned
00:13:56.900 | ever since sin came into the world,
00:13:59.380 | ever since the curse.
00:14:01.340 | Oh, wow.
00:14:03.220 | To lord it over them.
00:14:05.700 | But then look at verse 26.
00:14:08.500 | "It shall not be so among you."
00:14:12.300 | He's talking to all Christians here.
00:14:13.940 | He's reaching across the ages and talking to you.
00:14:16.740 | "It shall not be so among you,
00:14:19.500 | but whoever wishes to be great among you must be your servant."
00:14:24.860 | And here he uses the word diakonos,
00:14:26.780 | which is where we get our English word deacon from,
00:14:29.460 | which actually means to be a table waiter.
00:14:31.740 | If you want to be a leader in my kingdom,
00:14:33.460 | you're going to be a table waiter.
00:14:35.580 | Is the idea.
00:14:36.860 | And whoever, verse 27 says,
00:14:40.380 | "Would be first among you must be your slave."
00:14:43.860 | Now he changes Greek terms.
00:14:45.220 | He goes to the term doulos.
00:14:47.140 | Slave here means third-level galley slave
00:14:50.700 | on those big warships.
00:14:52.140 | This is the same word that was used.
00:14:54.260 | The hottest, worst level was the third level,
00:14:58.380 | rowing in the galley in the hot, beastly hot,
00:15:02.860 | and hour after hour, your whole day,
00:15:05.900 | this is all you're doing.
00:15:07.660 | That's a doulos.
00:15:09.500 | Whoever is going to be first among you
00:15:12.300 | must first be a third-level galley slave?
00:15:17.060 | What in the world?
00:15:18.420 | Oh my goodness, that is just the opposite
00:15:20.180 | of what I think in terms of leadership.
00:15:22.460 | That's not what I'm thinking at all.
00:15:24.300 | Even as the Son of Man, verse 28 says,
00:15:28.820 | "Came not to be saved," or not to be served,
00:15:32.340 | "but to serve and to give his life a ransom for many."
00:15:37.260 | That's the idea.
00:15:39.900 | So it's not lording it over people.
00:15:44.940 | That's not true leadership.
00:15:46.660 | God never intended that.
00:15:47.820 | Not among God's people.
00:15:50.540 | It's not exercising top-down authority over people.
00:15:53.960 | It's working from the bottom up.
00:15:56.120 | That's true leadership.
00:15:57.820 | That is being willing to assume
00:16:00.940 | the most difficult roles in the home
00:16:04.860 | and working from the bottom up,
00:16:06.980 | and then everybody in the home is supposed to follow,
00:16:09.540 | and we'll see how that flushes itself out
00:16:13.820 | in terms of the Christian home a little bit later.
00:16:16.420 | So what does God expect of a husband?
00:16:18.280 | God expects him, whether he's leading or not,
00:16:22.220 | God holds him accountable for leading.
00:16:24.820 | You will be held accountable if you're a husband someday,
00:16:27.540 | and you stand before Jesus Christ.
00:16:30.820 | He will hold you accountable
00:16:32.300 | for how you are leading your home.
00:16:35.460 | Someday, you're gonna be there.
00:16:37.020 | I'm gonna be there.
00:16:38.140 | That's my responsibility.
00:16:39.560 | That's your responsibility as a husband.
00:16:41.860 | What does God expect of you?
00:16:45.020 | And how is the husband's role viewed
00:16:46.660 | in our society and culture?
00:16:48.760 | Well, we've already talked about the fact
00:16:51.380 | that in our culture, the home and marriage
00:16:53.540 | is under such a heavy attack.
00:16:55.640 | Many men command a business, an organization.
00:16:58.700 | They command things in the military.
00:17:00.340 | They command things even at church oftentimes,
00:17:03.140 | but they've abdicated the throne of responsibility
00:17:05.540 | in leading the home.
00:17:06.540 | They've forsaken it.
00:17:09.700 | This is not what God ever intended at all.
00:17:13.740 | In fact, what is the condition of your home?
00:17:16.840 | What is the condition of your home?
00:17:20.820 | If you were to step back and take an honest look
00:17:23.900 | at your leadership within your home,
00:17:27.540 | what is the condition of your home?
00:17:30.300 | Can you say that it matches what Jesus talks about
00:17:33.980 | in Matthew chapter 20, verses 25 through 28?
00:17:37.780 | Is this what is going on in your home?
00:17:42.780 | This is really key.
00:17:44.580 | Well, you say, okay, I understand.
00:17:47.300 | All right, I need help.
00:17:48.700 | Help me here.
00:17:49.720 | What does the Bible say I should be doing?
00:17:52.340 | Okay, I'm glad you asked that question.
00:17:54.360 | Let me see if I can answer that question
00:17:56.420 | as clearly as possible.
00:17:58.300 | In order to do that, there's three terms
00:18:00.580 | I want you to learn today.
00:18:02.100 | We're gonna learn things, and I know your wife thinks
00:18:04.420 | it's impossible for you to learn anything new,
00:18:07.160 | but you're gonna prove her wrong, okay?
00:18:10.220 | You're going to learn something new today, all right?
00:18:14.240 | Take your Bible.
00:18:15.080 | Let's go over to 1 Peter chapter three.
00:18:17.860 | 1 Peter chapter three, and we're interested,
00:18:21.860 | and we're gonna pick up in verse seven.
00:18:24.080 | Let me explain real quickly a little bit
00:18:27.860 | about the background of 1 Peter.
00:18:29.660 | 1 Peter was written to Christians
00:18:31.540 | undergoing severe persecution.
00:18:35.460 | It was during the time when Nero was emperor of Rome,
00:18:40.300 | and Nero persecuted Christians.
00:18:43.500 | In fact, I'm gonna come back to this
00:18:45.940 | and talk about this briefly again
00:18:47.780 | when we talk to the women about their leadership,
00:18:51.260 | or I mean about their role in terms of the home.
00:18:54.660 | But the Roman emperor Nero was a wicked man.
00:18:59.660 | He was a wicked man.
00:19:03.780 | To give you an illustration of that,
00:19:08.340 | if you go to Italy today, you can see some of the remains
00:19:13.720 | of the palace areas where Nero actually lived and worked,
00:19:18.720 | but factual history tells us that he had huge palaces
00:19:24.300 | and huge gardens, and around the palaces
00:19:27.780 | and gardens was a shanty town.
00:19:31.220 | Shanty town, it was all wood.
00:19:34.220 | Lots of poor people tried to get close
00:19:37.460 | to the really rich people sort of to gain the,
00:19:41.620 | at that particular time, in this case, the emperor,
00:19:43.620 | gain the crumbs off of his table.
00:19:46.240 | Whatever he would cast out,
00:19:47.740 | they would consider to be something great.
00:19:50.020 | And so whoever was thrown out of the palace,
00:19:52.140 | so around Emperor Nero's palaces
00:19:56.540 | was this wooden shanty town.
00:19:59.740 | And Nero wanted to enlarge his palaces.
00:20:02.900 | He wanted to become greater,
00:20:04.620 | but Roman law wouldn't permit him to claim that land
00:20:06.860 | because all the poor people around the palaces
00:20:08.740 | owned that land.
00:20:10.040 | And so what he did was, in the middle of the night,
00:20:12.580 | he sent out a bunch of henchmen with lidded torches,
00:20:16.780 | and they burned down the shanty town.
00:20:20.340 | Thousands upon thousands of people died in that.
00:20:23.900 | In fact, archeologists will tell you
00:20:26.580 | that there's a layer of ash there in Rome
00:20:31.140 | that shows where all of this was burned down.
00:20:35.300 | And then, after he burned it all down,
00:20:37.880 | then he blamed it on all the Christians.
00:20:41.620 | He blamed it on the Christians.
00:20:42.540 | The Christians are the one who did it.
00:20:44.140 | When Nero was the one who did it,
00:20:45.660 | so he could claim their land and build bigger palaces.
00:20:49.660 | All right, that's what he wanted to do.
00:20:51.940 | And he hated Christians.
00:20:54.220 | In fact, we have historical accounts of the fact
00:20:57.580 | that he fed Christians to wild dogs,
00:21:00.740 | he covered them with tar,
00:21:03.060 | and mounted them on posts up in the air,
00:21:07.100 | tied, and then lit them on fire while still alive
00:21:11.620 | just to light his gardens.
00:21:13.980 | He burned them at the stake.
00:21:19.220 | He crucified them.
00:21:21.900 | And it's within that context that 1 Peter,
00:21:26.180 | that the apostle Peter, is writing to the Christians.
00:21:28.620 | Now, you think you've gone through a hard time?
00:21:30.540 | I don't think you've gone through anything
00:21:31.780 | like these Christians are going through, all right?
00:21:34.500 | And so, what do you do if you live in a world
00:21:37.480 | where everybody in the unbelieving world
00:21:40.420 | believes that you've done wicked things
00:21:42.900 | and you've done nothing wrong?
00:21:45.260 | Everybody believes.
00:21:46.240 | And by the way, our culture and our society right now
00:21:48.580 | is heading quickly in that direction,
00:21:50.780 | where all the Christians are,
00:21:52.680 | instead of being good anymore,
00:21:54.140 | are now going to be viewed as bad.
00:21:56.320 | They're going to be falsely accused.
00:21:57.500 | So how do you handle that?
00:21:58.660 | 1 Peter's going to become more and more prevalent
00:22:01.260 | among Christians in reading 1 Peter
00:22:03.400 | in dealing with a wicked world who falsely accuses them.
00:22:06.200 | And so, in the midst of this,
00:22:10.540 | he's talking to husband and wives.
00:22:12.460 | In chapter three, verses one through six,
00:22:15.620 | he talks to Christian women married to unbelieving husbands.
00:22:20.620 | And these husbands sometimes may even be
00:22:25.220 | professing Christians, but they're acting like unbelievers.
00:22:27.900 | And then in 1 Peter 3, seven,
00:22:30.660 | he's talking to Christian husbands
00:22:33.300 | married to unbelieving wives, okay?
00:22:37.700 | So, what does he say in verse seven?
00:22:40.420 | Look at this, gentlemen.
00:22:42.860 | Likewise, husbands, live with your wives
00:22:46.120 | in an understanding way,
00:22:47.820 | showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel,
00:22:51.400 | since, or it'd be better to translate this word as,
00:22:56.320 | they are heirs with you of the grace of life
00:22:58.700 | so that your prayers will not be hindered.
00:23:01.100 | In other words, the context says
00:23:02.620 | that these women are unbelievers,
00:23:04.300 | they're very difficult to live with,
00:23:07.180 | they're making their Christian husbands' lives miserable,
00:23:11.780 | and he talks to them, these husbands,
00:23:14.940 | as saying you are to treat her
00:23:17.540 | as you would a Christian wife,
00:23:20.260 | as an heir with you of the grace of life,
00:23:22.940 | is the implication.
00:23:24.140 | So, what is he saying here?
00:23:26.120 | All right, the first thing you need to remember
00:23:27.740 | in order to be a godly husband,
00:23:29.180 | we learn from this particular verse.
00:23:31.500 | In order to be a godly husband,
00:23:32.940 | you have got to be a learner.
00:23:34.340 | That's really key.
00:23:36.600 | In order to be a godly husband,
00:23:38.180 | you've got to be a learner.
00:23:39.940 | Now, why do I say that?
00:23:41.420 | Well, when you look at this verse carefully,
00:23:43.100 | it says live with your wives in an understanding way.
00:23:46.260 | I really don't like that English translation,
00:23:49.060 | living in an understanding way,
00:23:50.960 | because when you tell a guy
00:23:53.000 | you're supposed to be understanding with your wife,
00:23:54.860 | he'll say, oh, pfft, I understand her.
00:23:56.820 | After all, she's a woman.
00:23:58.340 | I mean, pfft, I understand her.
00:24:00.420 | It's almost a dismissive thing.
00:24:02.180 | That's not at all what he means here.
00:24:04.260 | In fact, the term that's used here
00:24:06.420 | is a term to dwell together with her,
00:24:08.820 | it's a soon compound Greek word,
00:24:11.100 | dwell together with her knowledgeably.
00:24:14.620 | Gnosis is the term.
00:24:16.700 | That is with conscious sensitivity.
00:24:19.700 | That's a very deliberate word.
00:24:21.340 | It's where we get the word gnostic from.
00:24:23.260 | Gnostics believe that they had a higher knowledge.
00:24:26.740 | Well, in this particular case,
00:24:28.060 | you're supposed to dwell with your unbelieving wife
00:24:32.020 | on a higher level of knowledge.
00:24:34.380 | You're supposed to dwell with her
00:24:36.220 | with a very special conscious sensitivity,
00:24:39.760 | not just understanding that she's a woman.
00:24:42.300 | We're talking about being knowledgeable about her.
00:24:46.820 | That's what we're talking about.
00:24:48.340 | Really knowing her, that's what we're talking about here.
00:24:52.460 | So the implication is that the world,
00:24:55.900 | when you say women, the world will throw their arms
00:24:58.980 | up in the air and say, ah, who can understand women?
00:25:03.180 | After all, they're like satellites in orbit.
00:25:05.580 | You can't get a fix on them.
00:25:07.180 | One day, they're on top of the world.
00:25:08.980 | The next day, they're down in the depression.
00:25:11.180 | The next day, they're on top of the world.
00:25:12.520 | The next day, they're down in depression.
00:25:14.140 | They live on the basis of their feelings.
00:25:15.860 | Da-da-da-da-da-da-da.
00:25:17.220 | That's what the world says.
00:25:19.100 | But the Bible says the opposite.
00:25:21.720 | The biblical implication requires time.
00:25:24.260 | You cannot know your wife without spending time with her.
00:25:29.260 | You've got to spend time.
00:25:30.800 | And I always get the question in counseling.
00:25:32.460 | Well, Dr. Shree, is that quantity of time?
00:25:37.860 | Is that quality time?
00:25:40.280 | I don't know.
00:25:42.460 | Some men are slow learners, so it's got to be quantity.
00:25:44.980 | All right.
00:25:47.220 | Others, it's quality time.
00:25:50.900 | Whatever the case may be, you cannot know her
00:25:55.900 | until you spend time with her.
00:25:59.460 | Now, I've counseled a lot of mixed marriages
00:26:01.900 | where you have a Christian husband married
00:26:03.220 | to an unbelieving wife.
00:26:04.380 | And in fact, one notorious counseling case
00:26:06.980 | I had several years ago,
00:26:08.060 | the wife was an avowed anti-Christian feminist,
00:26:11.940 | but she wanted to come to Christian counseling.
00:26:13.420 | So, eh, fine, come on in.
00:26:15.860 | All right.
00:26:16.820 | So I can't counsel her
00:26:18.260 | because you can't counsel an unbeliever.
00:26:20.380 | It's an impossibility.
00:26:21.660 | You cannot counsel an unbeliever.
00:26:23.640 | Why?
00:26:25.320 | Well, because if you did try to counsel them,
00:26:28.740 | you may get them to obey the Bible,
00:26:30.380 | but you can only get them to obey the Bible externally.
00:26:32.660 | So what have you really done?
00:26:33.620 | You've created a really good Pharisee.
00:26:36.060 | They can never obey the Bible from the heart.
00:26:38.860 | All right.
00:26:39.700 | All counseling is pre-counseling
00:26:41.060 | until the person comes to Christ.
00:26:43.060 | You cannot counsel them with the word of God.
00:26:45.600 | They have nothing inside of them
00:26:47.300 | that's going to be responsive to that truth.
00:26:50.740 | What you have to do is evangelize them.
00:26:53.020 | That's what you have to do.
00:26:53.860 | So I said, well, you're welcome to come in counseling.
00:26:56.060 | You're welcome to sit,
00:26:56.900 | but I'm gonna work on your husband.
00:26:57.980 | Fine.
00:26:58.980 | He needs work.
00:27:00.220 | All right.
00:27:01.060 | So she came in and I began talking about
00:27:04.540 | her responsibility to know, and she liked this.
00:27:07.380 | She's sitting there, she's going,
00:27:08.460 | "Wow, yeah, that's it.
00:27:10.460 | "I want him to know me."
00:27:11.860 | That's right.
00:27:12.700 | So in within every woman's heart,
00:27:14.060 | there is this desire for their husbands to know them.
00:27:18.420 | That's there.
00:27:19.420 | I want him to know me.
00:27:20.600 | He doesn't really know me.
00:27:22.140 | It's not, this is not an admonition given to their mothers
00:27:26.360 | or their closest girlfriend.
00:27:28.700 | This is an admonition that God gives the husband.
00:27:32.120 | The husband has the responsibility to know her
00:27:35.880 | better than anyone else on the planet.
00:27:38.520 | You are supposed to be God's resident expert on that woman
00:27:43.520 | and nobody else should know her any better than you do.
00:27:48.840 | You've gotta be a learner of her.
00:27:51.580 | Too many guys know how to command a huge business.
00:27:54.920 | They know their business inside and out.
00:27:56.680 | They don't have a clue what's going on
00:27:58.480 | in the life of their wife.
00:28:00.360 | And so their whole life becomes another failure.
00:28:02.880 | Even though from a secular point of view,
00:28:05.040 | it looks like they're succeeding really well.
00:28:07.280 | But their life is a failure.
00:28:10.280 | They don't know their wife.
00:28:11.880 | Now, there's recently been a new book out
00:28:14.600 | on how to understand women.
00:28:17.200 | I don't know whether you've seen it in bookstores or not.
00:28:19.860 | [congregation laughing]
00:28:23.040 | All right.
00:28:23.880 | It's pretty extensive.
00:28:27.060 | [laughing]
00:28:29.300 | The book on understanding women
00:28:33.060 | has finally arrived in bookstores, okay?
00:28:35.980 | So there it is.
00:28:38.500 | No, actually, it's not quite as complicated as that at all.
00:28:42.180 | I don't wanna give you that kind of an idea.
00:28:43.780 | What are we talking about here?
00:28:45.580 | Well, the biblical implication
00:28:47.620 | requires that you study your wife.
00:28:50.640 | There's the idea.
00:28:51.700 | The biblical understanding, you study her.
00:28:53.760 | How did God create women?
00:28:55.540 | What is unique about their gender?
00:28:58.380 | That's really key.
00:29:00.100 | I mean, when you were growing up as a young boy,
00:29:02.620 | you didn't stand around in the kitchen
00:29:03.940 | listening to all the women tell horror stories
00:29:05.720 | about giving birth.
00:29:07.100 | She probably did.
00:29:08.760 | That's a whole different set of experiences and thoughts.
00:29:14.760 | Oh my goodness, someday I may have to go through this.
00:29:19.260 | How did God create them in their unique gender?
00:29:25.260 | This is really important.
00:29:27.660 | A lot of men have not really given
00:29:31.100 | a whole lot of thought to that.
00:29:32.660 | And yet the Bible says,
00:29:35.360 | if you're gonna dwell with your wife,
00:29:37.220 | you've gotta dwell with her knowledgably.
00:29:39.820 | You've gotta know her.
00:29:42.360 | That involves knowing how God created women.
00:29:46.080 | Then it talks about the fact
00:29:49.220 | that not only must you understand how God created women,
00:29:51.660 | but what about your wife?
00:29:52.660 | What is unique and special about her?
00:29:55.720 | What are her unique gifts and her unique abilities
00:30:01.660 | that's different from every other woman in the world?
00:30:05.820 | She's not the same as every other woman in the world.
00:30:10.460 | So what is it that makes your wife,
00:30:14.020 | with her skillset and her abilities,
00:30:18.080 | what is it that makes her unique?
00:30:22.180 | She is a unique combination of skills
00:30:26.020 | and abilities and gifts,
00:30:28.780 | and most men have never given a whole lot of thought to that.
00:30:32.220 | What is unique about your wife?
00:30:35.980 | And then what is your wife's particular load
00:30:40.260 | that she bears in life?
00:30:41.860 | What is unique to her struggles in life?
00:30:46.220 | How is she different in this way?
00:30:49.060 | Some women have grown up
00:30:50.420 | where they've come out of terrible homes
00:30:53.020 | where mom and dad were physically abusive,
00:30:56.700 | or sometimes even sexually abusive,
00:30:59.100 | or other members of the family where that was the case,
00:31:02.260 | or they've grown up and they've had
00:31:04.000 | certain physical struggles all of their life,
00:31:07.360 | and that makes unique.
00:31:08.960 | That's a load that she bears in life,
00:31:10.720 | or she has a mother or father or brother or sisters
00:31:13.980 | that do not know the Lord,
00:31:15.500 | and this is a burden on her heart.
00:31:17.880 | That's a unique load that she bears in life.
00:31:22.520 | So how is your wife unique in that way,
00:31:26.580 | in her struggles in life,
00:31:28.260 | and how is she different in this way?
00:31:31.440 | The better you understand that,
00:31:35.220 | the better you will know your wife.
00:31:38.380 | Sometimes in counseling,
00:31:39.900 | I have a list of 50 questions that are often given husbands,
00:31:43.060 | and I'll say, "Okay, between now
00:31:44.820 | "and the next counseling appointment that we have,
00:31:47.440 | "I want you to take your wife out on a date.
00:31:49.840 | "I want you to find a little restaurant
00:31:51.620 | "where you can get along,
00:31:52.940 | "where just the two of you are just set aside over there,
00:31:55.520 | "and I want you to interview her with these 50 questions,
00:31:58.900 | "just like somebody from a television station
00:32:01.860 | "would come and interview her.
00:32:02.960 | "I want you to interview her,
00:32:03.940 | "and I want you to write down all of her answers."
00:32:06.660 | Okay?
00:32:07.580 | And the first questions are pretty easy,
00:32:09.100 | but when they get into them about,
00:32:11.120 | we're getting down to 30, 31, 32, 33,
00:32:14.420 | they start to get more and more difficult.
00:32:15.980 | It requires a lot more thought,
00:32:17.040 | and pretty soon she's saying,
00:32:17.960 | "You know, I'm not sure what I really think about that.
00:32:19.780 | "Let me think on it for a little bit."
00:32:21.740 | Now, I want him to show me that he did it,
00:32:26.760 | but I'm not interested in what she said,
00:32:29.440 | because it's not my responsibility to know her.
00:32:31.840 | I wanna make sure he did it.
00:32:34.060 | That's it.
00:32:35.240 | I wanna make sure he's interviewed her, he knows her.
00:32:39.020 | That kind of primes the pump.
00:32:40.780 | That gets him started thinking in those areas.
00:32:44.820 | He probably knows his business really, really well.
00:32:48.320 | Now he's gotta know his wife even better than his business.
00:32:53.320 | He's gotta know her better than her best friend knows her,
00:32:57.800 | better than their oldest daughter knows her.
00:33:01.800 | That's his job.
00:33:04.560 | That's his responsibility.
00:33:06.480 | You're supposed to dwell with her knowledgeably.
00:33:11.480 | This is important.
00:33:13.940 | Why?
00:33:14.900 | Why is it so important?
00:33:15.860 | Well, you have to give attention to her
00:33:18.400 | as to a weaker vessel.
00:33:21.160 | Now that does not mean, you'll notice here,
00:33:23.880 | and I'm reading from the English Standard Version,
00:33:27.480 | here it says, "Showing honor with her as the weaker vessel."
00:33:32.480 | That doesn't mean she's necessarily physically weak.
00:33:35.640 | That's not what it's referring to.
00:33:37.000 | The word weaker really should be translated here, delicate.
00:33:40.960 | And the word vessel is referenced to a clay pot.
00:33:44.220 | Back in the first century, clay pots were used.
00:33:46.220 | When you go to the well, you'd fill a clay pot full of water
00:33:49.300 | and if you set it down too hard on a sharp stone or rock,
00:33:52.460 | it would crack the clay pot, so you had to be really careful.
00:33:55.380 | When you filled it with water, it was very heavy
00:33:57.060 | to set it in a place where it wouldn't crack.
00:34:00.140 | And in this similar way, you had to treat it with delicacy.
00:34:03.780 | This is exactly what needs to be done
00:34:06.620 | in regards to your wife.
00:34:08.300 | Why?
00:34:10.780 | Because God says He's the one who sovereignly,
00:34:15.780 | in His goodness, gave her to you.
00:34:18.760 | So you need to treat her as a special gift from Him,
00:34:25.420 | as a delicate clay pot.
00:34:29.060 | Let me use this as an illustration.
00:34:32.940 | Let's say, for instance,
00:34:36.220 | some long-launched relative willed you, in their will,
00:34:40.660 | a fifth-century Ming vase worth millions.
00:34:46.120 | Oh, wouldn't that be nice?
00:34:49.860 | All right?
00:34:51.380 | Now, if you wanted a picture for your living room
00:34:55.580 | or above your fireplace,
00:34:57.620 | you do have fireplaces here in Florida, right?
00:35:00.020 | No fireplaces, okay, on your table.
00:35:05.140 | But if you wanted a vase and you went down to Walmart
00:35:10.140 | or Target or whatever your favorite, not Cracker Barrel,
00:35:15.740 | but wherever you buy vases,
00:35:18.660 | and you bought it, my guess would be you'd pay $25, $30
00:35:24.180 | for that vase, you'd check it out, throw it in a plastic bag,
00:35:27.580 | take it out, throw it in the backseat, take it home,
00:35:29.940 | put it up on the mantel, put some dried flowers in it,
00:35:32.700 | dust it off occasionally.
00:35:34.280 | Now, if you inherited a fifth-century Ming vase,
00:35:37.620 | you wouldn't go collect it, throw it in a plastic bag,
00:35:41.100 | pitch it in the backseat, take it home, sit it up,
00:35:43.700 | put some dried flowers in it, dust it off occasionally.
00:35:46.100 | No, you'd probably, now I know some of you guys are sitting,
00:35:49.780 | I'd sell it, and that ruins my whole illustration.
00:35:52.340 | (audience laughing)
00:35:53.700 | All right?
00:35:54.540 | No, you just had to keep it for a little while.
00:36:01.580 | The value's going up.
00:36:03.340 | All right?
00:36:04.180 | No, you'd probably hire Brink Security
00:36:09.340 | with an atmospherically-controlled vault
00:36:12.460 | that would pull up and get this thing,
00:36:14.620 | and you would strap it down on a nice, really soft pillow
00:36:18.640 | to make sure that it doesn't get damaged in transport,
00:36:22.060 | and you would lock it up in a,
00:36:25.620 | now, I'm not talking about locking your wife up in a vault,
00:36:28.540 | but you get the idea, you would treat it
00:36:31.940 | with extreme value, all right?
00:36:34.620 | Most guys don't treat their wives like that.
00:36:39.260 | They don't treat their wives like fifth-century Ming vase,
00:36:42.060 | they treat 'em like Tupperware, all right?
00:36:44.640 | That's the way they treat their wives.
00:36:47.860 | No, no, no, sitting next to you
00:36:50.100 | is your fifth-century Ming vase.
00:36:53.180 | You are treated with respect as a delicate vase,
00:36:58.460 | as a piece of fine china, is the idea,
00:37:02.460 | where you're not gonna throw it around and bump it around,
00:37:04.420 | you're not gonna do any of that stuff.
00:37:06.340 | No, no, no, this is your treasure.
00:37:09.780 | That's what should be happening.
00:37:11.820 | You're to give attention to her.
00:37:13.500 | This means to honor her, respect her,
00:37:17.740 | cherish her as you would an expensive piece of fine china.
00:37:21.140 | She is to be treated with utmost value.
00:37:25.660 | Hence the idea, listen to this,
00:37:27.960 | husbands, live with your wives in a knowledgeable way,
00:37:32.300 | showing honor, the word there, honor,
00:37:34.260 | is respect to the woman as a delicate vase, is the idea.
00:37:39.260 | And as she is, heirs with you of the gracious gift of life.
00:37:45.820 | Let me ask you a question.
00:37:49.520 | Are you treating your wife that way?
00:37:52.420 | Are you treating your wife that way?
00:37:57.180 | Treating her with respect, with honor?
00:38:01.860 | That's really important.
00:38:04.940 | Bible says you're failing, and you're failing miserably
00:38:08.940 | when you don't do that.
00:38:10.100 | This has become maybe a major sinful issue in your life.
00:38:16.500 | You're harsh, you're demanding,
00:38:20.140 | you're upset all the time at her,
00:38:22.900 | you're angry at her all the time.
00:38:26.340 | You would not do that in relationship
00:38:28.940 | to something of extreme value in your life.
00:38:32.420 | You would treasure it, you would protect it.
00:38:36.460 | You treat her as if there is no value.
00:38:40.080 | No, no, no, the Bible says God is the one
00:38:44.700 | who gave that precious gift to you,
00:38:47.220 | and it's up to you to treat that gift
00:38:50.660 | with the utmost lovable stewardship you can.
00:38:55.960 | Treat her with utmost respect as a fifth century Ming Voss
00:39:00.960 | worth millions and millions.
00:39:03.880 | That is your responsibility.
00:39:07.460 | Give honor to her.
00:39:10.160 | And then it says this, your learning her
00:39:12.920 | affects your spiritual life.
00:39:14.760 | Your learning her affects your spiritual life.
00:39:17.920 | That means this, that her problems become your problems.
00:39:21.000 | He says that in verse seven.
00:39:22.560 | He says, "As heirs with you the gracious gift of life
00:39:27.560 | "so that your prayers will not be hindered," he says.
00:39:34.840 | Godly husbands don't say she made the mess,
00:39:37.080 | she'll just have to take care of it herself.
00:39:39.440 | Godly husbands don't say that.
00:39:40.920 | All of my wife's problems are my problems,
00:39:44.480 | but not all of my problems are her problems.
00:39:48.800 | All of my wife's problems are my problems
00:39:53.800 | as part of leadership, every single one.
00:39:58.160 | That's my responsibility.
00:39:59.600 | So I'm not gonna demean her or try to act
00:40:04.520 | like she's making mountains out of molehills
00:40:07.600 | when she presents problems to me.
00:40:09.560 | If it's a problem to her, then it is a problem to me.
00:40:13.900 | That's really key.
00:40:17.540 | I'm not gonna dismiss her, I'm not gonna act
00:40:19.720 | like it's trivial, I'm gonna do my best
00:40:22.960 | to address that problem.
00:40:23.800 | Now, my wife knows that I cannot solve
00:40:25.560 | every problem in her life.
00:40:26.800 | She knows that.
00:40:27.680 | I'm not God, I can't do that, but just the fact
00:40:33.600 | that she knows that I'm interested in all the problems
00:40:37.920 | in her life makes the difference, you follow me?
00:40:42.020 | This is really important, the fact that she knows that.
00:40:46.880 | So you're learning her.
00:40:48.320 | If you ever wonder why your prayers
00:40:49.640 | are not getting any higher than the ceiling,
00:40:52.200 | then you need to check your relationship to your wife.
00:40:54.680 | God's not listening to me, you may say.
00:40:56.880 | The first thing you do is you check your relationship
00:40:58.760 | with your wife so that your prayers
00:41:01.160 | will not be hindered, he says.
00:41:03.040 | God says, listen, don't pretend to be spiritual
00:41:08.240 | and pray to me and treat your wife in an ungodly way.
00:41:11.880 | I'm not gonna listen to you, God says.
00:41:14.240 | I'm not gonna listen to your prayers.
00:41:15.260 | I'm not interested in anything you have to say
00:41:17.320 | until you start treating your wife well.
00:41:19.680 | That's pretty significant.
00:41:22.300 | This is important.
00:41:25.460 | So the second thing, by the way, take your Bible,
00:41:31.360 | let's go over to Ephesians chapter five.
00:41:33.040 | The first thing you gotta remember is to be
00:41:34.880 | a godly husband, you gotta be a learner.
00:41:36.400 | The second thing is you need to be a Christ-like lover.
00:41:39.000 | What are we talking about here?
00:41:40.520 | Ephesians chapter five, verse 25.
00:41:42.080 | Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church
00:41:44.800 | and gave himself up for her.
00:41:48.260 | So I've gotta be a learner.
00:41:51.060 | The second thing is I gotta be a lover, a Christ-like lover.
00:41:54.720 | Now, what is the love that a man is supposed to have
00:41:57.720 | for a woman because our American culture
00:41:59.860 | doesn't help us here at all.
00:42:02.080 | The popular view of a man's love for a woman
00:42:04.120 | is a macho sexual conquest type of a love.
00:42:06.740 | I'll show her I love her, I'll grab her and drag her to bed.
00:42:09.640 | That's the way I show her I love her.
00:42:11.480 | But that is not at all the way that God describes love.
00:42:16.180 | Anyone can take from a woman,
00:42:19.800 | but it takes a biblical man to give.
00:42:23.280 | Let me give you an illustration of this.
00:42:25.640 | When you see the word to give, or excuse me,
00:42:29.520 | the word love in the New Testament,
00:42:33.440 | it's usually accompanied with the action verb to give.
00:42:38.400 | God so loved the world that he gave, right?
00:42:43.400 | That's John chapter three, verse 16.
00:42:48.760 | Galatians chapter two and verse 20.
00:42:50.560 | Christ loved us and gave himself up for us.
00:42:55.560 | Ephesians 5:25, we just read this.
00:42:58.400 | Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church
00:43:01.100 | and gave himself up for her.
00:43:04.920 | Biblical love does not take from a woman.
00:43:09.160 | Biblical love gives to a woman.
00:43:12.680 | There's a difference between the two.
00:43:14.520 | So biblical love, I want to suggest to you,
00:43:18.640 | is the real test of masculinity.
00:43:21.500 | Because God-like love gives
00:43:26.440 | without expecting anything in return.
00:43:29.320 | And by the way, God has so designed her life
00:43:31.760 | that when you are constantly giving to her,
00:43:34.200 | her heart is naturally responsive to that
00:43:37.080 | and want to be reciprocal in a similar way.
00:43:40.400 | That's the way God designed that woman's heart.
00:43:42.980 | But you are not doing it to get anything
00:43:46.440 | out of her or from her.
00:43:48.400 | You're doing it because you're being God-like
00:43:51.680 | in giving love, whether she reciprocates or not
00:43:54.680 | is not the issue.
00:43:56.000 | You're doing it in a unilateral fashion.
00:43:58.720 | That's really key.
00:44:02.280 | Without any kind of expectations
00:44:05.040 | attached to that love at all.
00:44:06.480 | That's the real test of masculinity.
00:44:09.680 | Why?
00:44:10.520 | Because we don't take from our wives.
00:44:13.160 | We give to them, we give to them, we give to them.
00:44:16.360 | That's what we do.
00:44:17.520 | Everybody knows that little saying in our household,
00:44:20.840 | if mom ain't happy, ain't nobody happy, right?
00:44:24.880 | That's right, we know it.
00:44:27.160 | She is the queen of our castle.
00:44:29.620 | And I'm not the king, I'm her servant.
00:44:32.880 | I want the kids to know that.
00:44:34.400 | She's the queen.
00:44:37.320 | Mama is the queen.
00:44:39.000 | Even my grandkids know that.
00:44:41.920 | She is.
00:44:45.880 | That's the way it should be.
00:44:47.560 | Now, what degrees should we show this kind of love?
00:44:50.120 | To what degree?
00:44:51.020 | Well, notice this.
00:44:52.540 | That we're supposed to love as Christ loved.
00:44:56.940 | That's what verse 25 says.
00:44:58.880 | Well, how did he love?
00:45:00.560 | Well, look at this.
00:45:01.760 | One thing we know, 1 John 4, 19,
00:45:03.760 | we love him because he what?
00:45:06.520 | First loved us, right?
00:45:08.000 | So he was a first type lover.
00:45:10.100 | We don't wait for our wives to love us.
00:45:13.880 | We are the ones, as men, who initiate the love.
00:45:18.200 | I'll never forget, several years ago,
00:45:19.780 | having a husband and wife come in.
00:45:20.880 | They were having some pretty serious marital problems
00:45:23.320 | in counseling.
00:45:24.160 | At one point in the counseling,
00:45:25.200 | he sort of sat back in his chair and he folded his arm.
00:45:27.600 | He says, "There's no love in this household."
00:45:30.000 | And he kind of looked at her with a scathing look.
00:45:32.840 | I'm going, "Whoa."
00:45:34.400 | I wanted to pull out a mirror and stick it in his face
00:45:36.400 | and say, "Why not?"
00:45:37.640 | Because it's not her job.
00:45:41.340 | It's his job.
00:45:42.880 | If we're gonna love as Christ loved,
00:45:44.880 | we love him because he first loved us.
00:45:47.080 | We're gonna be first type lovers.
00:45:48.880 | We're the ones that are going to initiate the love.
00:45:51.880 | It's not her job to do that.
00:45:54.520 | It's your job to do that.
00:45:55.960 | We're gonna love as Christ loved.
00:45:57.880 | Wow.
00:45:59.160 | Second thing, verse 25 of Ephesians says
00:46:02.160 | that Christ loved us and gave himself up for us.
00:46:08.640 | So we're not just gonna love first.
00:46:10.760 | We're gonna love most.
00:46:12.520 | In other words, of the two, the husband and the wife,
00:46:16.160 | you've gotta overwhelm her with your love
00:46:20.200 | instead of her overwhelming you with her love.
00:46:23.000 | You need to overwhelm her with your love.
00:46:27.560 | You're doing the most.
00:46:29.960 | And then 1 John 3:18 talks about,
00:46:34.160 | "Let us not love in word, neither in tongue,
00:46:36.360 | "but in deed and in truth."
00:46:40.320 | That means we don't just tell her that we love her.
00:46:43.580 | I talk about this when I train men in pastoral ministry
00:46:47.320 | and we train counselors in our graduate program.
00:46:49.980 | I talk about the fact that, listen,
00:46:52.080 | don't tell people that you're counseling,
00:46:55.760 | all right, Tom, I want you to go home this week
00:46:58.720 | and love Trudy.
00:47:00.200 | You know what that means to Tom?
00:47:02.320 | That means he's gonna go home
00:47:03.640 | and he's gonna sit down in his easy chair
00:47:05.480 | and emote love towards her.
00:47:07.080 | Okay, I love Trudy this week.
00:47:13.260 | No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
00:47:16.800 | Let us not love in word, neither in tongue,
00:47:20.840 | but in deed and in truth.
00:47:22.600 | That means not falsely, but truthfully,
00:47:26.960 | not with a fake or facade.
00:47:29.360 | Genuinely, she's gotta see it in the deeds that we do.
00:47:33.840 | So if we're gonna love as Christ loved,
00:47:36.720 | we're gonna love first, we're gonna love most,
00:47:38.520 | and we're gonna love unmistakably.
00:47:40.920 | Those three things.
00:47:41.760 | If we're gonna love as Christ loved,
00:47:44.040 | we're gonna love first, we're gonna love most,
00:47:45.920 | we're gonna love unmistakably.
00:47:47.540 | That's the way Christ loved.
00:47:50.240 | Now notice this.
00:47:51.500 | Now, gentlemen, you really do need a fastener seatbelt,
00:47:54.880 | put your crash helmets on,
00:47:56.280 | and you may wanna add a flak vest to it now, all right?
00:48:00.320 | Are you ready?
00:48:01.480 | Look at Ephesians 5 now.
00:48:03.800 | Drop down to verse 28.
00:48:05.720 | In the same way.
00:48:08.800 | Now in what way?
00:48:09.620 | In the way that Christ loved us.
00:48:11.280 | Husbands should love their wives as their own bodies.
00:48:16.280 | So we're not supposed to just love them as Christ,
00:48:19.880 | we're supposed to love them as our own bodies.
00:48:21.480 | What does that mean?
00:48:22.960 | Nowhere in the Bible does it ever say we hate ourselves.
00:48:26.480 | Nowhere in the Bible does it ever say
00:48:27.780 | we love ourselves too little.
00:48:29.800 | The Bible is constantly replete with the idea,
00:48:32.560 | and all that comes out of psychology,
00:48:34.900 | and has been adopted into a lot of Christian psychology
00:48:37.340 | to get day.
00:48:38.300 | That's not biblical at all.
00:48:39.740 | The Bible is replete with warnings
00:48:41.260 | that we love ourselves way too much.
00:48:43.440 | I mean, some of you guys love yourself really good.
00:48:47.380 | I mean, I can tell.
00:48:50.580 | I watched some of you back there
00:48:52.420 | with those rolls and donuts.
00:48:54.440 | All right?
00:48:57.620 | You are loving on yourself, man.
00:49:00.020 | You do really, when you're hurt, what do you do?
00:49:04.860 | You bandage yourself when you're thirsty.
00:49:07.540 | You get something to drink when you're hungry.
00:49:09.740 | You get something to eat.
00:49:11.340 | You do, when you're cold, you make sure that you're warm.
00:49:15.320 | By the way, I understand here in South Florida,
00:49:17.260 | cold is 80 degree weather.
00:49:19.580 | So when you're warm, you make sure you get cool.
00:49:23.380 | All right?
00:49:25.420 | So you take really good care of your,
00:49:27.340 | if you took as good a care of your wife
00:49:29.900 | as you do of yourself, you'd have a great marriage.
00:49:34.140 | The Bible actually assumes
00:49:35.700 | that husbands already love themselves a lot.
00:49:38.980 | It assumes that.
00:49:41.020 | This is what Jesus said, by the way, as well.
00:49:44.820 | Matthew 19, when he says,
00:49:47.340 | the Pharisees confronted him
00:49:49.380 | about what's the greatest commandment in the law,
00:49:51.380 | and Jesus said, "Love the Lord your God
00:49:53.420 | "with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength,
00:49:54.660 | "and love your neighbor as yourself."
00:49:56.660 | Jesus was not saying you need to love yourself.
00:49:58.900 | Jesus was saying you need to love your neighbor
00:50:02.500 | as passionately as you already love yourself.
00:50:05.160 | You're supposed to love God
00:50:06.500 | as passionately as you already love yourself.
00:50:08.860 | Why?
00:50:09.680 | Because in the very next verse,
00:50:10.520 | he says, "Upon these two commands," not three,
00:50:13.060 | "these two commands, the entire law hangs."
00:50:15.260 | What does that?
00:50:16.080 | How much we love God and how much we love other people.
00:50:18.180 | The Bible actually assumes we love ourselves an awful lot,
00:50:20.860 | and if we loved ourselves less and loved other people more,
00:50:25.020 | we'd have great relationships.
00:50:27.380 | Husbands need to love their wives more
00:50:30.380 | than the natural tendency to love self.
00:50:33.780 | That's the idea.
00:50:34.720 | This is such a key thing.
00:50:38.080 | Why?
00:50:38.920 | Well, because this is the kind of love
00:50:40.740 | that overcomes bitterness.
00:50:44.180 | Colossians chapter three and verse 19 says this.
00:50:48.640 | "Husbands, love your wives
00:50:51.300 | "and do not be harsh or embittered with them."
00:50:55.480 | The way the Greek construction of that sentence implies
00:50:58.440 | that when you're genuinely loving your wife,
00:51:01.400 | it's impossible for you to hold on to bitterness towards her.
00:51:04.860 | I know that because in counseling,
00:51:08.600 | I've had a lot of men say to me,
00:51:10.600 | "Well, you don't understand.
00:51:11.840 | "My wife has a sharp tongue.
00:51:13.680 | "She can slice you and dice you with it."
00:51:15.940 | All right?
00:51:17.840 | She has a sharp tongue.
00:51:18.660 | For years, this is what she's done in our marriage.
00:51:20.640 | (vocalizing)
00:51:21.960 | And usually, women are better verbally than men are,
00:51:25.760 | and so they go after their husbands verbally,
00:51:27.880 | and then the husbands react physically,
00:51:29.840 | and they get, "Oh, oh, what has happened here?
00:51:31.540 | "I don't understand.
00:51:32.380 | "What has happened?"
00:51:33.200 | It's because, da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da,
00:51:35.800 | what has happened.
00:51:36.760 | And so, but he's held onto this bitterness
00:51:40.960 | in his heart for a long, long time.
00:51:44.180 | He's held onto this, and he refuses not to be bitter,
00:51:47.780 | and I explained to him, "Now, listen.
00:51:49.640 | "Imagine for a moment I have two large horses,
00:51:51.820 | "one on this side going that direction,
00:51:53.480 | "one on that side going that direction,
00:51:55.140 | "and you got a hold of both of their tails.
00:51:57.180 | "One horse on this side is bitterness.
00:51:59.420 | "The other horse on this side is love,
00:52:01.900 | "and God says, 'Giddy up!'"
00:52:04.300 | At some particular point, you're gonna have to choose
00:52:09.040 | which one to let go of.
00:52:10.380 | You cannot hold onto your bitterness,
00:52:13.300 | and at the same time, hold onto your love for her.
00:52:15.780 | You can't do that.
00:52:16.640 | Now, hopefully, you're going to let go of your bitterness,
00:52:21.680 | and you're gonna hold onto your love for her.
00:52:25.320 | It is this kind of love that overcomes bitterness.
00:52:30.320 | Well, you don't know what my wife has done.
00:52:32.100 | Yeah, I don't know what your wife has done in the past.
00:52:34.620 | Maybe she's done some wicked things.
00:52:36.260 | Maybe she's done some bad things.
00:52:38.420 | But this is where a forgiving, loving heart
00:52:41.020 | makes all the difference in the world
00:52:42.860 | and can return sweetness to your marriage.
00:52:45.660 | You've gotta determine to do it,
00:52:47.160 | and the ball is in your court as a husband to do that.
00:52:50.480 | It's in your court.
00:52:52.480 | This is really important.
00:52:54.920 | So the first thing you gotta remember
00:52:56.140 | is you gotta be a learner.
00:52:58.040 | The second thing you gotta remember
00:52:59.460 | is be a Christlike lover.
00:53:01.220 | But the third thing, let's go back to Ephesians 5,
00:53:05.260 | pick up in verse 23, where it says,
00:53:07.400 | "For the husband is the head of the wife,
00:53:08.740 | "he is in Christ, is the head of the church,
00:53:10.460 | "his body, and he himself is the Savior.
00:53:13.580 | "Now as the church submits to Christ,
00:53:15.140 | "so also wives should submit in everything
00:53:18.060 | "to their husbands."
00:53:19.300 | The third thing is this.
00:53:21.620 | In order to be a godly husband, you gotta be a leader.
00:53:23.740 | Let me explain what leadership is not,
00:53:25.300 | and then I'll talk about what it is.
00:53:27.180 | I talked a little bit before about the fact
00:53:29.860 | that what leadership was not
00:53:31.980 | when we went over to Matthew chapter 20
00:53:34.020 | at the very beginning.
00:53:35.660 | Leadership is not being a dictator.
00:53:38.760 | That's not leadership, not in God's place.
00:53:41.880 | It's not where you're dictating things to your wife.
00:53:44.440 | It's not where you're dominating your wife.
00:53:47.360 | Too many men think that they must make
00:53:48.880 | all the decisions in their marriage,
00:53:50.680 | and that is not true.
00:53:52.260 | That implies that somehow God made a mistake
00:53:55.920 | by giving your wife a brain.
00:53:57.760 | He should've given you an automaton for a wife
00:54:01.360 | instead of a wife.
00:54:03.020 | No, no, no, your wife has a brain.
00:54:05.120 | You need her input.
00:54:07.960 | She has a feminine view of life that you don't have,
00:54:10.320 | and my wife's feminine view has helped me enormously
00:54:13.240 | in ministry.
00:54:14.080 | If you don't take advantage of that, you're a fool.
00:54:16.680 | I remember after, when I was a pastor years ago,
00:54:21.680 | and I used to preach on Sunday morning,
00:54:22.920 | I'd be standing, talking to people afterwards,
00:54:25.160 | and they'd come by and make comments about the sermon
00:54:27.560 | or what's going on in their lives, stuff.
00:54:29.400 | So my wife and I and kids would drive home
00:54:32.120 | for lunch on Sunday afternoon, and my wife would say,
00:54:34.120 | "By the way, did you remember a Mr. and Mrs. Jones
00:54:35.960 | "coming up to you and saying da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da?"
00:54:39.880 | I'd say, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, I do remember that.
00:54:42.480 | "Do you know what Mrs. Jones was saying
00:54:44.280 | "when she said da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da?"
00:54:47.120 | I said, "Sure, Mrs. Jones was saying da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da."
00:54:51.680 | She said, "No, that's not what she was saying."
00:54:54.160 | I made the mistake of taking Mrs. Jones at her word,
00:55:01.380 | all right?
00:55:02.220 | (audience laughing)
00:55:04.780 | There were subtle things in between there, all right?
00:55:09.180 | And she says, "Mrs. Jones was saying da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da."
00:55:14.540 | Really?
00:55:16.300 | That's what Mrs. Jones was saying?
00:55:18.740 | Yes.
00:55:19.820 | Ugh.
00:55:21.580 | All right, I see Mrs. Jones later on that evening,
00:55:23.700 | the Sunday evening service.
00:55:24.660 | I say, "Mrs. Jones, this morning when you came up
00:55:27.180 | and you said, "Duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh," did you mean, "Duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh
00:55:57.180 | that you have special, you can have input into people's lives if you listen to her,
00:56:05.420 | meaningful input.
00:56:07.180 | So a lot of men who don't take advantage of that.
00:56:10.260 | And then a guy leader's not demanding, he doesn't force her to submit, nowhere in the
00:56:13.180 | Bible, nowhere in the Bible does it ever say that it's a husband's job to make sure his
00:56:18.740 | wife submits.
00:56:19.740 | Nowhere in the Bible does it say that.
00:56:21.020 | And by the way, you couldn't do that anyhow.
00:56:24.460 | You may make her obey because you're bigger, physically stronger.
00:56:28.180 | You may make her obey, but you can't force her to submit because submission is always
00:56:31.500 | an attitude of the heart.
00:56:34.280 | You can't do that.
00:56:35.280 | You cannot force submission, nobody can force submission on anybody.
00:56:39.780 | You can't do that.
00:56:41.160 | It's something that she has to decide in her heart before God to do, and you make it either
00:56:48.900 | easy or hard.
00:56:53.060 | Let's make it, ha, I got an idea, easy.
00:56:57.660 | Let's make it easy for her to do this.
00:57:00.540 | That is revolutionary.
00:57:02.020 | All right?
00:57:03.420 | A godly leader is not demanding, he does not force her to submit.
00:57:10.260 | What is godly leadership?
00:57:11.260 | I love John 10:27 because it says, "My sheep hear my voice and they follow me."
00:57:18.340 | All right?
00:57:19.700 | Jesus did not get behind the sheep with a bullwhip and drive them to where He wanted
00:57:25.020 | them to go.
00:57:26.020 | He didn't do that.
00:57:27.020 | Jesus didn't do that.
00:57:28.020 | In other words, He got out in front, and by the behavior of His life, they followed His
00:57:33.820 | model.
00:57:34.820 | "My sheep hear my voice, they follow me."
00:57:37.620 | That is godly leadership.
00:57:39.100 | So how are your wife and children, how are you leading them?
00:57:48.060 | If you're going to be a leader, you've got to focus on needs.
00:57:50.580 | That is the needs of others.
00:57:51.580 | You're going to put their needs above your own needs.
00:57:55.380 | You're going to be very goal-oriented, and by setting godly goals, where do you want
00:57:59.300 | to be in five years of your marriage, 10 years of your marriage, 15 years of your marriage,
00:58:03.420 | where do you want to be?
00:58:04.420 | You've got to set godly goals in order to attain them.
00:58:06.660 | You've got to set examples of control in every area of your life.
00:58:11.140 | How much you watch TV, how much you read, what you watch on TV, where you go on the
00:58:17.300 | internet, how you use your smartphone, and where you go on the internet with your smartphone.
00:58:25.020 | Everybody's watching you.
00:58:26.020 | Your wife and your kids are watching you.
00:58:28.380 | You're setting examples of purity and godliness by everything you do or don't do.
00:58:35.220 | This is so key.
00:58:36.220 | Where do you want to take them spiritually?
00:58:42.620 | You're leading them in the Word of God, in prayer.
00:58:46.820 | Where are you?
00:58:48.220 | Set examples of control.
00:58:49.220 | You're a problem solver.
00:58:50.940 | She knows that she can turn to you for help.
00:58:54.520 | She knows that.
00:58:55.520 | And you're a teacher.
00:58:58.140 | You lead her in the Word, and you're a joy to live with.
00:59:03.900 | You know how many husbands are not joys to live with?
00:59:06.420 | I mean, this comes out of years.
00:59:08.900 | That whole principle comes out of years of counseling.
00:59:11.740 | Why?
00:59:12.980 | Because I know that some husbands, when they come home from work, six o'clock in the evening,
00:59:18.540 | the wife and the kids are running for cover, because he walks in the door, and he's a grouch.
00:59:23.620 | He's biting everybody's head off.
00:59:26.580 | I never wanted that in my home.
00:59:27.980 | I never wanted...
00:59:28.980 | You know, I had my share of problems.
00:59:30.580 | In fact, I've listened to people's problems for 45 years, all right?
00:59:34.840 | I don't want to just have my own problems.
00:59:36.260 | I'd listen to everybody else's problems.
00:59:39.220 | And I never wanted to come home, and I never, ever wanted to bring those problems home.
00:59:44.780 | You know, when I turned the corner to our little subdivision, I left all my problems
00:59:49.620 | right there in that corner.
00:59:51.940 | Next morning, I went by and picked them back up and went back to work.
00:59:57.740 | But I wanted my wife and kids to say, just before I got home, "Ten minutes, Dad's going
01:00:03.580 | to be home.
01:00:05.380 | Best time of the day."
01:00:08.300 | I didn't want them running for cover.
01:00:11.940 | You've got to be a joy to live with.
01:00:14.180 | Are you a joy, or are you a pain where we cannot explain to live with?
01:00:25.460 | What are you?
01:00:26.460 | What are you?
01:00:27.460 | Three things you've got to remember in order to be a godly husband, learner, lover, leader.
01:00:32.740 | Let me tell you a quick story.
01:00:35.820 | Years ago, premarital counseling, I was talking.
01:00:38.780 | Tim Jennings and Brenda Casho, they were getting married, and I was talking about his responsibility
01:00:44.180 | as a future husband, taught him you've got to be a learner, lover, leader.
01:00:48.180 | Those three things you've got to remember.
01:00:49.180 | And on the day of your wedding, I'm going to ask you before you get married, what do
01:00:51.740 | you need to do, remember, in order to get married to Brenda?
01:00:54.340 | Tim says, "Okay, I'll have them."
01:00:56.860 | No problem.
01:00:57.860 | The day of the wedding, showed up, went in and had prayer with the bride and her family.
01:01:01.140 | Then I went ahead and had prayer with the groom, his family.
01:01:05.660 | I said, "Tim, three things you've got to remember in order to be a godly husband to Brenda.
01:01:10.460 | What are they?"
01:01:11.460 | He said, "I've got them, learner, lover, and lever."
01:01:18.260 | This wedding's off.
01:01:19.780 | No, no, no.
01:01:22.300 | Not learner, lover, lever.
01:01:25.460 | Learner, lover, leader.
01:01:28.260 | Learner, lover, leader.
01:01:29.580 | Now, I want you to put those in the back pocket of your memory.
01:01:32.860 | Now, gentlemen, look at me.
01:01:34.300 | Don't look at your wife's notes.
01:01:36.260 | Look at me.
01:01:37.260 | All right, say it out loud to me.
01:01:38.780 | Ready?
01:01:39.780 | In order to be a godly husband, I am going to be a...uh-huh.
01:01:42.380 | Uh-huh.
01:01:43.380 | Oh, listen to that, ladies.
01:01:48.060 | They got to memorize.
01:01:49.580 | One more time, gentlemen, just to let it sink in.
01:01:52.180 | Ready?
01:01:53.180 | In order to be a godly husband, I'm going to be a...uh-huh.
01:01:56.180 | Uh-huh.
01:01:57.180 | Oh, yes.