Well, good morning. Well, thank you both of you. Good morning. Oh, that's much better. You're awake now. It's good to see you after a very busy evening. You guys are the die-hards that are back. So, up early and ready to go. Of course, this is the session which I know your wife drug you to because it's about the husbands and this is usually the session where the women themselves take copious notes.

So, this is probably what's going to happen here today anyhow. Let me see if I can get this up straight. Okay, good. So, we want to jump right into God's design for husbands. What is the role? The Bible clearly outlines. You know, I'm afraid that I have had the opportunity over the last 40, 45 years to counsel a lot of people in a variety of different churches, variety of different settings, and it's amazing.

Even from churches that are very solid Bible-believing, Bible-teaching churches, how unclear this is in men's minds. One of my things here is to make it very clear. I want to make this very memorable. I want you to be able to walk away and you don't even have to have a Bible in your hand.

All you have to think about is some really key principles there to just see how you're doing in order to be a godly husband. So, this is really key. In order to get started here, remember how we said last night, Romans chapter 12, verse 9, the whole theme of the conference is, somebody asked you at the end of this weekend, what did you do?

I went to a marriage conference and I learned how to hate more. I learned how to hate my own sin more. That's exactly what Romans 12, 9 talks about. Let love be genuine, abhor or hate what is evil, and cling to that which is good. So, I realize areas in my life as a husband or as a wife that I am violating God's word in, I've got to learn to turn all my negative emotions on that violation and learn to hate that about myself, and learn to cling to that which is good.

That's what I need to do. That's really important, and this is what we need to do today here as well. For husbands, we're going to talk about three key areas to help you to remember your role as a godly husband, and I just want you to use them, put them in the back pocket of your memory, and pull them out every now and then say, "How am I doing?

How am I doing?" I'm not going to share these so that wives can hold you to these standards. I'm sharing this so that you will hold yourself to this standard. So, this is really important. Even though your wife may keep copious notes on this, it's not her job to be your personal Holy Spirit.

You already have one to convict you of sin, righteousness, and judgment, and she's not the Holy Spirit. She never will be, and it's not her job to do that, to remind you of all the areas where you're doing things wrong. No, no, no. You have a Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit will do a whole bunch better job than she'll ever do.

So, it's not her job to do that kind of thing. Now, take your Bible. If you don't have a Bible near you, look on somebody who's close by. You need to see this. Let's go back to Genesis 3. Remember, we went back to Genesis last night, and we talked a little bit about what did God set as the standard for family, for marriage, we talked about the purpose of marriage being that of companionship, and that's the very thing that really suffers when a marriage gets into trouble is the issue of companionship.

Well, we're going to drop in to Genesis 3 now. After the fall has occurred, Adam and Eve have sinned, God has brought the curse upon them, and in bringing the curse, first he talks to the serpent, then he talks to the woman, then he talks to the man, but in between the man and woman's curse, there's a transitional statement there.

It says in verse 16 to the woman he said, "I will surely multiply your pain in childbearing, in pain you shall bring for children." Now, I want you to think about that for a moment, because we're going to come back to that a little bit later on the last session that we do and explain that and flush that out a little bit more fully.

But then he says, and here's the transitional phrase, "Your desire shall be for your husband and he shall rule over you." Now, the question now comes, what does that mean? I cannot tell you how many trees have died producing paper to make books explaining what that meant down through history.

There are all kinds of commentaries on this particular thing. What does it mean when it says, "Your desire," he says to the woman, "shall be for your husband and he shall rule over you." All kinds of theories are put out there. Now, one of the best hermeneutical rules, I teach hermeneutics and advanced hermeneutics in our graduate program.

This is just principles of biblical interpretation. One of the best things you can remember is a text without a context is a pretext for a proof text. A text without a context is a pretext for a proof text. That's always important in relationship to biblical understanding. If you don't understand things within context, within the way in which that author has stated something, then you really don't understand what's going on.

Now, you hate it when somebody takes you out of context, right? All right, you just hate that. I used an illustration back 2002, after the 9/11 and the towers came down. There's a story told real not far from here on a Shoney's, on Alligator Alley where a waitress overheard a couple of Muslim students talking about bringing it down in Miami, and she called the police.

The police descended on them and arrested these two Muslim students and so on, and it turned out they weren't talking about bringing buildings down, they were talking about bringing money down to Miami. So, it turned out to be the wrong thing. So, they were totally taken out of context, and you hate it when you're taken out of context.

You imagine how God feels when you take his word out of context, all right? You take it, you misuse it, and you use it for your own purposes. You don't use it the way God intended it. What does he think about that? That's why we say a text without a context is a pretext for proof text.

That's why we say that. That's really important. You can't take things out of context. So, what does this mean within context? That's the key question. Well, one of the best ways to tell that, is you go to the next closest place where that same author uses the same word, in this particular case, the same Hebrew word, and see how he used it in that sense, and then we can put it back into this, and probably be pretty sure that that's what he meant here.

Now, so the next time our author, in this case, Moses, uses this particular word, is Genesis chapter 4. If you go over to Genesis chapter 4, in verse 7, it says, God is talking to Cain and says, "If you do well, will you not be accepted?" Or really, literally, the Hebrew says, "Will not your face be lifted up?" Because there's always joy and obedience.

"But if you do not do well, sin is crouching at the door. It's desire." There's our same word. See that word, desire? "It's desire is for you, but you must master it." Now, it's very clear what he means here. That is, sin is waiting at the door of Cain's life, and if Cain goes through that door, it desires, almost like a wild animal, to jump on him, and master him, and control him, and manipulate him, is the idea.

So, desire, in this particular case, is a lust for control, a lust for desire, or desire for control. Now, if you take that meaning, plug that back in to 3.16, then all of a sudden, we get a little bit clearer understanding. Her desire is a result of the curse.

Since Eve walked out in front of her husband and did this thing with the serpent, then her husband followed her, which is exactly the reverse of what God intended to happen. She's going to follow the natural consequences of her sin, is the idea. Your desire, in this particular case, that is, your desire to control and manipulate your husband, and his desire will be to rule over you.

The word for rule there is a very heavy word that means despotic rule. So, her desire is to control and manipulate her husband. His desire is to rule. So, the husband and wife relationship under the curse becomes a game of king of the hill, all right? She wants to control and manipulate him, he wants to dominate and rule over her.

So now, under the curse, marriage becomes a constant conflict. Now, even ungodly marriages can live in a relatively peaceful environment, but that's only a sustained truce. That's all that is. It's not the true intimacy and companionship that God intended in genuine marriage. That's not it at all. Doesn't even come close to it.

But the idea here is, her desire is to control and manipulate her husband. His desire is to rule over her and dominate her, and so now marriage becomes a struggle. Even Christian marriages, to some extent, manifest that particular struggle. Sometimes the fruit or the results of that curse begins to occur even in the Christian marriage.

My wife sometimes when she does women's seminars, she'll say this. She says, "I have never, ever counseled a woman where she didn't have, either overtly or covertly, wanted to control and manipulate what her husband did in her heart." That's what she wants. She wants him to turn out a certain way, and I've never met a guy in counseling that didn't have in some way, either overtly or covertly, trying to control and manipulate and keep his thumb on his wife, and so you've got this struggle where they were supposed to work together and compliment each other.

Now, under the curse, marriage becomes, instead of a compliment, a conflict. Marriage becomes a conflict. It becomes a difficulty, a strife, if you will. There's the implication. Now, you're beginning to see why we have problems, why there are so many difficulties that go on, even in the Christian marriage.

Now, in order to help you see this, there's a little comic strip. I remember finding this several years ago, and I kept it, and I had to put it up here. It says here, "I have a great idea," the wife says. "Let's reverse things. Today, you be grouchy at church and charming at home." I think that's pretty good.

Today, I want you to be grouchy at church and charming at home. You go to church and all of a sudden, you turn on the charm and everybody sees it. Gentlemen, is that the way you are? At home, you're a grouch. You're a horrible person to live with. Then you get at church and oh my goodness, you're the most wonderful guy in the world, and you care about everybody, and now everything's going so well.

That's not the way it should be. Never ever should it be that way. No way. So, here are some introductory concerns here. Number one, what is the nature of man's leadership in the home? What are we talking about here? In order to help you to understand this, I want you to grab your Bible for a moment, and go over to Matthew chapter 20.

Matthew chapter 20. In order to understand a man's leadership in the home, Jesus talks about leadership here. He talks about how leadership is radically different than the way in which the world defines leadership. It is radically different, all right? Doesn't even come close to the world. In fact, it's an antithetical to what the world's definition of leadership is.

You read all these books in business and stuff, and how to be a good leader, and you think about just about what the exact opposite of that is, you'll probably be pretty close to what the Bible says about it. All right, you don't even have to know the Bible.

Just think about what the opposite is, all right? What is it? Well, notice this. Jesus defines leadership in verse 25. He says, "But Jesus called them to him and said, 'You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their great ones exercise authority over them.'" Now, look at that very carefully.

In fact, the world's concept of leadership is to use heavy-handed authority over people, to lord it over people. It's a top-down view of leadership. You do what I say because I'm in control. I control this in your life and that in your life, and you got to do what I say.

Jesus says that's the way the world has functioned ever since sin came into the world, ever since the curse. Oh, wow. To lord it over them. But then look at verse 26. "It shall not be so among you." He's talking to all Christians here. He's reaching across the ages and talking to you.

"It shall not be so among you, but whoever wishes to be great among you must be your servant." And here he uses the word diakonos, which is where we get our English word deacon from, which actually means to be a table waiter. If you want to be a leader in my kingdom, you're going to be a table waiter.

Is the idea. And whoever, verse 27 says, "Would be first among you must be your slave." Now he changes Greek terms. He goes to the term doulos. Slave here means third-level galley slave on those big warships. This is the same word that was used. The hottest, worst level was the third level, rowing in the galley in the hot, beastly hot, and hour after hour, your whole day, this is all you're doing.

That's a doulos. Whoever is going to be first among you must first be a third-level galley slave? What in the world? Oh my goodness, that is just the opposite of what I think in terms of leadership. That's not what I'm thinking at all. Even as the Son of Man, verse 28 says, "Came not to be saved," or not to be served, "but to serve and to give his life a ransom for many." That's the idea.

So it's not lording it over people. That's not true leadership. God never intended that. Not among God's people. It's not exercising top-down authority over people. It's working from the bottom up. That's true leadership. That is being willing to assume the most difficult roles in the home and working from the bottom up, and then everybody in the home is supposed to follow, and we'll see how that flushes itself out in terms of the Christian home a little bit later.

So what does God expect of a husband? God expects him, whether he's leading or not, God holds him accountable for leading. You will be held accountable if you're a husband someday, and you stand before Jesus Christ. He will hold you accountable for how you are leading your home. Someday, you're gonna be there.

I'm gonna be there. That's my responsibility. That's your responsibility as a husband. What does God expect of you? And how is the husband's role viewed in our society and culture? Well, we've already talked about the fact that in our culture, the home and marriage is under such a heavy attack.

Many men command a business, an organization. They command things in the military. They command things even at church oftentimes, but they've abdicated the throne of responsibility in leading the home. They've forsaken it. This is not what God ever intended at all. In fact, what is the condition of your home?

What is the condition of your home? If you were to step back and take an honest look at your leadership within your home, what is the condition of your home? Can you say that it matches what Jesus talks about in Matthew chapter 20, verses 25 through 28? Is this what is going on in your home?

This is really key. Well, you say, okay, I understand. All right, I need help. Help me here. What does the Bible say I should be doing? Okay, I'm glad you asked that question. Let me see if I can answer that question as clearly as possible. In order to do that, there's three terms I want you to learn today.

We're gonna learn things, and I know your wife thinks it's impossible for you to learn anything new, but you're gonna prove her wrong, okay? You're going to learn something new today, all right? Take your Bible. Let's go over to 1 Peter chapter three. 1 Peter chapter three, and we're interested, and we're gonna pick up in verse seven.

Let me explain real quickly a little bit about the background of 1 Peter. 1 Peter was written to Christians undergoing severe persecution. It was during the time when Nero was emperor of Rome, and Nero persecuted Christians. In fact, I'm gonna come back to this and talk about this briefly again when we talk to the women about their leadership, or I mean about their role in terms of the home.

But the Roman emperor Nero was a wicked man. He was a wicked man. To give you an illustration of that, if you go to Italy today, you can see some of the remains of the palace areas where Nero actually lived and worked, but factual history tells us that he had huge palaces and huge gardens, and around the palaces and gardens was a shanty town.

Shanty town, it was all wood. Lots of poor people tried to get close to the really rich people sort of to gain the, at that particular time, in this case, the emperor, gain the crumbs off of his table. Whatever he would cast out, they would consider to be something great.

And so whoever was thrown out of the palace, so around Emperor Nero's palaces was this wooden shanty town. And Nero wanted to enlarge his palaces. He wanted to become greater, but Roman law wouldn't permit him to claim that land because all the poor people around the palaces owned that land.

And so what he did was, in the middle of the night, he sent out a bunch of henchmen with lidded torches, and they burned down the shanty town. Thousands upon thousands of people died in that. In fact, archeologists will tell you that there's a layer of ash there in Rome that shows where all of this was burned down.

And then, after he burned it all down, then he blamed it on all the Christians. He blamed it on the Christians. The Christians are the one who did it. When Nero was the one who did it, so he could claim their land and build bigger palaces. All right, that's what he wanted to do.

And he hated Christians. In fact, we have historical accounts of the fact that he fed Christians to wild dogs, he covered them with tar, and mounted them on posts up in the air, tied, and then lit them on fire while still alive just to light his gardens. He burned them at the stake.

He crucified them. And it's within that context that 1 Peter, that the apostle Peter, is writing to the Christians. Now, you think you've gone through a hard time? I don't think you've gone through anything like these Christians are going through, all right? And so, what do you do if you live in a world where everybody in the unbelieving world believes that you've done wicked things and you've done nothing wrong?

Everybody believes. And by the way, our culture and our society right now is heading quickly in that direction, where all the Christians are, instead of being good anymore, are now going to be viewed as bad. They're going to be falsely accused. So how do you handle that? 1 Peter's going to become more and more prevalent among Christians in reading 1 Peter in dealing with a wicked world who falsely accuses them.

And so, in the midst of this, he's talking to husband and wives. In chapter three, verses one through six, he talks to Christian women married to unbelieving husbands. And these husbands sometimes may even be professing Christians, but they're acting like unbelievers. And then in 1 Peter 3, seven, he's talking to Christian husbands married to unbelieving wives, okay?

So, what does he say in verse seven? Look at this, gentlemen. Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since, or it'd be better to translate this word as, they are heirs with you of the grace of life so that your prayers will not be hindered.

In other words, the context says that these women are unbelievers, they're very difficult to live with, they're making their Christian husbands' lives miserable, and he talks to them, these husbands, as saying you are to treat her as you would a Christian wife, as an heir with you of the grace of life, is the implication.

So, what is he saying here? All right, the first thing you need to remember in order to be a godly husband, we learn from this particular verse. In order to be a godly husband, you have got to be a learner. That's really key. In order to be a godly husband, you've got to be a learner.

Now, why do I say that? Well, when you look at this verse carefully, it says live with your wives in an understanding way. I really don't like that English translation, living in an understanding way, because when you tell a guy you're supposed to be understanding with your wife, he'll say, oh, pfft, I understand her.

After all, she's a woman. I mean, pfft, I understand her. It's almost a dismissive thing. That's not at all what he means here. In fact, the term that's used here is a term to dwell together with her, it's a soon compound Greek word, dwell together with her knowledgeably. Gnosis is the term.

That is with conscious sensitivity. That's a very deliberate word. It's where we get the word gnostic from. Gnostics believe that they had a higher knowledge. Well, in this particular case, you're supposed to dwell with your unbelieving wife on a higher level of knowledge. You're supposed to dwell with her with a very special conscious sensitivity, not just understanding that she's a woman.

We're talking about being knowledgeable about her. That's what we're talking about. Really knowing her, that's what we're talking about here. So the implication is that the world, when you say women, the world will throw their arms up in the air and say, ah, who can understand women? After all, they're like satellites in orbit.

You can't get a fix on them. One day, they're on top of the world. The next day, they're down in the depression. The next day, they're on top of the world. The next day, they're down in depression. They live on the basis of their feelings. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da. That's what the world says.

But the Bible says the opposite. The biblical implication requires time. You cannot know your wife without spending time with her. You've got to spend time. And I always get the question in counseling. Well, Dr. Shree, is that quantity of time? Is that quality time? I don't know. Some men are slow learners, so it's got to be quantity.

All right. Others, it's quality time. Whatever the case may be, you cannot know her until you spend time with her. Now, I've counseled a lot of mixed marriages where you have a Christian husband married to an unbelieving wife. And in fact, one notorious counseling case I had several years ago, the wife was an avowed anti-Christian feminist, but she wanted to come to Christian counseling.

So, eh, fine, come on in. All right. So I can't counsel her because you can't counsel an unbeliever. It's an impossibility. You cannot counsel an unbeliever. Why? Well, because if you did try to counsel them, you may get them to obey the Bible, but you can only get them to obey the Bible externally.

So what have you really done? You've created a really good Pharisee. They can never obey the Bible from the heart. All right. All counseling is pre-counseling until the person comes to Christ. You cannot counsel them with the word of God. They have nothing inside of them that's going to be responsive to that truth.

What you have to do is evangelize them. That's what you have to do. So I said, well, you're welcome to come in counseling. You're welcome to sit, but I'm gonna work on your husband. Fine. He needs work. All right. So she came in and I began talking about her responsibility to know, and she liked this.

She's sitting there, she's going, "Wow, yeah, that's it. "I want him to know me." That's right. So in within every woman's heart, there is this desire for their husbands to know them. That's there. I want him to know me. He doesn't really know me. It's not, this is not an admonition given to their mothers or their closest girlfriend.

This is an admonition that God gives the husband. The husband has the responsibility to know her better than anyone else on the planet. You are supposed to be God's resident expert on that woman and nobody else should know her any better than you do. You've gotta be a learner of her.

Too many guys know how to command a huge business. They know their business inside and out. They don't have a clue what's going on in the life of their wife. And so their whole life becomes another failure. Even though from a secular point of view, it looks like they're succeeding really well.

But their life is a failure. They don't know their wife. Now, there's recently been a new book out on how to understand women. I don't know whether you've seen it in bookstores or not. All right. It's pretty extensive. The book on understanding women has finally arrived in bookstores, okay?

So there it is. No, actually, it's not quite as complicated as that at all. I don't wanna give you that kind of an idea. What are we talking about here? Well, the biblical implication requires that you study your wife. There's the idea. The biblical understanding, you study her. How did God create women?

What is unique about their gender? That's really key. I mean, when you were growing up as a young boy, you didn't stand around in the kitchen listening to all the women tell horror stories about giving birth. She probably did. That's a whole different set of experiences and thoughts. Oh my goodness, someday I may have to go through this.

How did God create them in their unique gender? This is really important. A lot of men have not really given a whole lot of thought to that. And yet the Bible says, if you're gonna dwell with your wife, you've gotta dwell with her knowledgably. You've gotta know her. That involves knowing how God created women.

Then it talks about the fact that not only must you understand how God created women, but what about your wife? What is unique and special about her? What are her unique gifts and her unique abilities that's different from every other woman in the world? She's not the same as every other woman in the world.

So what is it that makes your wife, with her skillset and her abilities, what is it that makes her unique? She is a unique combination of skills and abilities and gifts, and most men have never given a whole lot of thought to that. What is unique about your wife?

And then what is your wife's particular load that she bears in life? What is unique to her struggles in life? How is she different in this way? Some women have grown up where they've come out of terrible homes where mom and dad were physically abusive, or sometimes even sexually abusive, or other members of the family where that was the case, or they've grown up and they've had certain physical struggles all of their life, and that makes unique.

That's a load that she bears in life, or she has a mother or father or brother or sisters that do not know the Lord, and this is a burden on her heart. That's a unique load that she bears in life. So how is your wife unique in that way, in her struggles in life, and how is she different in this way?

The better you understand that, the better you will know your wife. Sometimes in counseling, I have a list of 50 questions that are often given husbands, and I'll say, "Okay, between now "and the next counseling appointment that we have, "I want you to take your wife out on a date.

"I want you to find a little restaurant "where you can get along, "where just the two of you are just set aside over there, "and I want you to interview her with these 50 questions, "just like somebody from a television station "would come and interview her. "I want you to interview her, "and I want you to write down all of her answers." Okay?

And the first questions are pretty easy, but when they get into them about, we're getting down to 30, 31, 32, 33, they start to get more and more difficult. It requires a lot more thought, and pretty soon she's saying, "You know, I'm not sure what I really think about that.

"Let me think on it for a little bit." Now, I want him to show me that he did it, but I'm not interested in what she said, because it's not my responsibility to know her. I wanna make sure he did it. That's it. I wanna make sure he's interviewed her, he knows her.

That kind of primes the pump. That gets him started thinking in those areas. He probably knows his business really, really well. Now he's gotta know his wife even better than his business. He's gotta know her better than her best friend knows her, better than their oldest daughter knows her.

That's his job. That's his responsibility. You're supposed to dwell with her knowledgeably. This is important. Why? Why is it so important? Well, you have to give attention to her as to a weaker vessel. Now that does not mean, you'll notice here, and I'm reading from the English Standard Version, here it says, "Showing honor with her as the weaker vessel." That doesn't mean she's necessarily physically weak.

That's not what it's referring to. The word weaker really should be translated here, delicate. And the word vessel is referenced to a clay pot. Back in the first century, clay pots were used. When you go to the well, you'd fill a clay pot full of water and if you set it down too hard on a sharp stone or rock, it would crack the clay pot, so you had to be really careful.

When you filled it with water, it was very heavy to set it in a place where it wouldn't crack. And in this similar way, you had to treat it with delicacy. This is exactly what needs to be done in regards to your wife. Why? Because God says He's the one who sovereignly, in His goodness, gave her to you.

So you need to treat her as a special gift from Him, as a delicate clay pot. Let me use this as an illustration. Let's say, for instance, some long-launched relative willed you, in their will, a fifth-century Ming vase worth millions. Oh, wouldn't that be nice? All right? Now, if you wanted a picture for your living room or above your fireplace, you do have fireplaces here in Florida, right?

No fireplaces, okay, on your table. But if you wanted a vase and you went down to Walmart or Target or whatever your favorite, not Cracker Barrel, but wherever you buy vases, and you bought it, my guess would be you'd pay $25, $30 for that vase, you'd check it out, throw it in a plastic bag, take it out, throw it in the backseat, take it home, put it up on the mantel, put some dried flowers in it, dust it off occasionally.

Now, if you inherited a fifth-century Ming vase, you wouldn't go collect it, throw it in a plastic bag, pitch it in the backseat, take it home, sit it up, put some dried flowers in it, dust it off occasionally. No, you'd probably, now I know some of you guys are sitting, I'd sell it, and that ruins my whole illustration.

(audience laughing) All right? No, you just had to keep it for a little while. The value's going up. All right? No, you'd probably hire Brink Security with an atmospherically-controlled vault that would pull up and get this thing, and you would strap it down on a nice, really soft pillow to make sure that it doesn't get damaged in transport, and you would lock it up in a, now, I'm not talking about locking your wife up in a vault, but you get the idea, you would treat it with extreme value, all right?

Most guys don't treat their wives like that. They don't treat their wives like fifth-century Ming vase, they treat 'em like Tupperware, all right? That's the way they treat their wives. No, no, no, sitting next to you is your fifth-century Ming vase. You are treated with respect as a delicate vase, as a piece of fine china, is the idea, where you're not gonna throw it around and bump it around, you're not gonna do any of that stuff.

No, no, no, this is your treasure. That's what should be happening. You're to give attention to her. This means to honor her, respect her, cherish her as you would an expensive piece of fine china. She is to be treated with utmost value. Hence the idea, listen to this, husbands, live with your wives in a knowledgeable way, showing honor, the word there, honor, is respect to the woman as a delicate vase, is the idea.

And as she is, heirs with you of the gracious gift of life. Let me ask you a question. Are you treating your wife that way? Are you treating your wife that way? Treating her with respect, with honor? That's really important. Bible says you're failing, and you're failing miserably when you don't do that.

This has become maybe a major sinful issue in your life. You're harsh, you're demanding, you're upset all the time at her, you're angry at her all the time. You would not do that in relationship to something of extreme value in your life. You would treasure it, you would protect it.

You treat her as if there is no value. No, no, no, the Bible says God is the one who gave that precious gift to you, and it's up to you to treat that gift with the utmost lovable stewardship you can. Treat her with utmost respect as a fifth century Ming Voss worth millions and millions.

That is your responsibility. Give honor to her. And then it says this, your learning her affects your spiritual life. Your learning her affects your spiritual life. That means this, that her problems become your problems. He says that in verse seven. He says, "As heirs with you the gracious gift of life "so that your prayers will not be hindered," he says.

Godly husbands don't say she made the mess, she'll just have to take care of it herself. Godly husbands don't say that. All of my wife's problems are my problems, but not all of my problems are her problems. All of my wife's problems are my problems as part of leadership, every single one.

That's my responsibility. So I'm not gonna demean her or try to act like she's making mountains out of molehills when she presents problems to me. If it's a problem to her, then it is a problem to me. That's really key. I'm not gonna dismiss her, I'm not gonna act like it's trivial, I'm gonna do my best to address that problem.

Now, my wife knows that I cannot solve every problem in her life. She knows that. I'm not God, I can't do that, but just the fact that she knows that I'm interested in all the problems in her life makes the difference, you follow me? This is really important, the fact that she knows that.

So you're learning her. If you ever wonder why your prayers are not getting any higher than the ceiling, then you need to check your relationship to your wife. God's not listening to me, you may say. The first thing you do is you check your relationship with your wife so that your prayers will not be hindered, he says.

God says, listen, don't pretend to be spiritual and pray to me and treat your wife in an ungodly way. I'm not gonna listen to you, God says. I'm not gonna listen to your prayers. I'm not interested in anything you have to say until you start treating your wife well.

That's pretty significant. This is important. So the second thing, by the way, take your Bible, let's go over to Ephesians chapter five. The first thing you gotta remember is to be a godly husband, you gotta be a learner. The second thing is you need to be a Christ-like lover.

What are we talking about here? Ephesians chapter five, verse 25. Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. So I've gotta be a learner. The second thing is I gotta be a lover, a Christ-like lover. Now, what is the love that a man is supposed to have for a woman because our American culture doesn't help us here at all.

The popular view of a man's love for a woman is a macho sexual conquest type of a love. I'll show her I love her, I'll grab her and drag her to bed. That's the way I show her I love her. But that is not at all the way that God describes love.

Anyone can take from a woman, but it takes a biblical man to give. Let me give you an illustration of this. When you see the word to give, or excuse me, the word love in the New Testament, it's usually accompanied with the action verb to give. God so loved the world that he gave, right?

That's John chapter three, verse 16. Galatians chapter two and verse 20. Christ loved us and gave himself up for us. Ephesians 5:25, we just read this. Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. Biblical love does not take from a woman. Biblical love gives to a woman.

There's a difference between the two. So biblical love, I want to suggest to you, is the real test of masculinity. Because God-like love gives without expecting anything in return. And by the way, God has so designed her life that when you are constantly giving to her, her heart is naturally responsive to that and want to be reciprocal in a similar way.

That's the way God designed that woman's heart. But you are not doing it to get anything out of her or from her. You're doing it because you're being God-like in giving love, whether she reciprocates or not is not the issue. You're doing it in a unilateral fashion. That's really key.

Without any kind of expectations attached to that love at all. That's the real test of masculinity. Why? Because we don't take from our wives. We give to them, we give to them, we give to them. That's what we do. Everybody knows that little saying in our household, if mom ain't happy, ain't nobody happy, right?

That's right, we know it. She is the queen of our castle. And I'm not the king, I'm her servant. I want the kids to know that. She's the queen. Mama is the queen. Even my grandkids know that. She is. That's the way it should be. Now, what degrees should we show this kind of love?

To what degree? Well, notice this. That we're supposed to love as Christ loved. That's what verse 25 says. Well, how did he love? Well, look at this. One thing we know, 1 John 4, 19, we love him because he what? First loved us, right? So he was a first type lover.

We don't wait for our wives to love us. We are the ones, as men, who initiate the love. I'll never forget, several years ago, having a husband and wife come in. They were having some pretty serious marital problems in counseling. At one point in the counseling, he sort of sat back in his chair and he folded his arm.

He says, "There's no love in this household." And he kind of looked at her with a scathing look. I'm going, "Whoa." I wanted to pull out a mirror and stick it in his face and say, "Why not?" Because it's not her job. It's his job. If we're gonna love as Christ loved, we love him because he first loved us.

We're gonna be first type lovers. We're the ones that are going to initiate the love. It's not her job to do that. It's your job to do that. We're gonna love as Christ loved. Wow. Second thing, verse 25 of Ephesians says that Christ loved us and gave himself up for us.

So we're not just gonna love first. We're gonna love most. In other words, of the two, the husband and the wife, you've gotta overwhelm her with your love instead of her overwhelming you with her love. You need to overwhelm her with your love. You're doing the most. And then 1 John 3:18 talks about, "Let us not love in word, neither in tongue, "but in deed and in truth." That means we don't just tell her that we love her.

I talk about this when I train men in pastoral ministry and we train counselors in our graduate program. I talk about the fact that, listen, don't tell people that you're counseling, all right, Tom, I want you to go home this week and love Trudy. You know what that means to Tom?

That means he's gonna go home and he's gonna sit down in his easy chair and emote love towards her. Okay, I love Trudy this week. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Let us not love in word, neither in tongue, but in deed and in truth. That means not falsely, but truthfully, not with a fake or facade.

Genuinely, she's gotta see it in the deeds that we do. So if we're gonna love as Christ loved, we're gonna love first, we're gonna love most, and we're gonna love unmistakably. Those three things. If we're gonna love as Christ loved, we're gonna love first, we're gonna love most, we're gonna love unmistakably.

That's the way Christ loved. Now notice this. Now, gentlemen, you really do need a fastener seatbelt, put your crash helmets on, and you may wanna add a flak vest to it now, all right? Are you ready? Look at Ephesians 5 now. Drop down to verse 28. In the same way.

Now in what way? In the way that Christ loved us. Husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. So we're not supposed to just love them as Christ, we're supposed to love them as our own bodies. What does that mean? Nowhere in the Bible does it ever say we hate ourselves.

Nowhere in the Bible does it ever say we love ourselves too little. The Bible is constantly replete with the idea, and all that comes out of psychology, and has been adopted into a lot of Christian psychology to get day. That's not biblical at all. The Bible is replete with warnings that we love ourselves way too much.

I mean, some of you guys love yourself really good. I mean, I can tell. I watched some of you back there with those rolls and donuts. All right? You are loving on yourself, man. You do really, when you're hurt, what do you do? You bandage yourself when you're thirsty.

You get something to drink when you're hungry. You get something to eat. You do, when you're cold, you make sure that you're warm. By the way, I understand here in South Florida, cold is 80 degree weather. So when you're warm, you make sure you get cool. All right? So you take really good care of your, if you took as good a care of your wife as you do of yourself, you'd have a great marriage.

The Bible actually assumes that husbands already love themselves a lot. It assumes that. This is what Jesus said, by the way, as well. Matthew 19, when he says, the Pharisees confronted him about what's the greatest commandment in the law, and Jesus said, "Love the Lord your God "with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength, "and love your neighbor as yourself." Jesus was not saying you need to love yourself.

Jesus was saying you need to love your neighbor as passionately as you already love yourself. You're supposed to love God as passionately as you already love yourself. Why? Because in the very next verse, he says, "Upon these two commands," not three, "these two commands, the entire law hangs." What does that?

How much we love God and how much we love other people. The Bible actually assumes we love ourselves an awful lot, and if we loved ourselves less and loved other people more, we'd have great relationships. Husbands need to love their wives more than the natural tendency to love self.

That's the idea. This is such a key thing. Why? Well, because this is the kind of love that overcomes bitterness. Colossians chapter three and verse 19 says this. "Husbands, love your wives "and do not be harsh or embittered with them." The way the Greek construction of that sentence implies that when you're genuinely loving your wife, it's impossible for you to hold on to bitterness towards her.

I know that because in counseling, I've had a lot of men say to me, "Well, you don't understand. "My wife has a sharp tongue. "She can slice you and dice you with it." All right? She has a sharp tongue. For years, this is what she's done in our marriage.

(vocalizing) And usually, women are better verbally than men are, and so they go after their husbands verbally, and then the husbands react physically, and they get, "Oh, oh, what has happened here? "I don't understand. "What has happened?" It's because, da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da, what has happened. And so, but he's held onto this bitterness in his heart for a long, long time.

He's held onto this, and he refuses not to be bitter, and I explained to him, "Now, listen. "Imagine for a moment I have two large horses, "one on this side going that direction, "one on that side going that direction, "and you got a hold of both of their tails.

"One horse on this side is bitterness. "The other horse on this side is love, "and God says, 'Giddy up!'" At some particular point, you're gonna have to choose which one to let go of. You cannot hold onto your bitterness, and at the same time, hold onto your love for her.

You can't do that. Now, hopefully, you're going to let go of your bitterness, and you're gonna hold onto your love for her. It is this kind of love that overcomes bitterness. Well, you don't know what my wife has done. Yeah, I don't know what your wife has done in the past.

Maybe she's done some wicked things. Maybe she's done some bad things. But this is where a forgiving, loving heart makes all the difference in the world and can return sweetness to your marriage. You've gotta determine to do it, and the ball is in your court as a husband to do that.

It's in your court. This is really important. So the first thing you gotta remember is you gotta be a learner. The second thing you gotta remember is be a Christlike lover. But the third thing, let's go back to Ephesians 5, pick up in verse 23, where it says, "For the husband is the head of the wife, "he is in Christ, is the head of the church, "his body, and he himself is the Savior.

"Now as the church submits to Christ, "so also wives should submit in everything "to their husbands." The third thing is this. In order to be a godly husband, you gotta be a leader. Let me explain what leadership is not, and then I'll talk about what it is. I talked a little bit before about the fact that what leadership was not when we went over to Matthew chapter 20 at the very beginning.

Leadership is not being a dictator. That's not leadership, not in God's place. It's not where you're dictating things to your wife. It's not where you're dominating your wife. Too many men think that they must make all the decisions in their marriage, and that is not true. That implies that somehow God made a mistake by giving your wife a brain.

He should've given you an automaton for a wife instead of a wife. No, no, no, your wife has a brain. You need her input. She has a feminine view of life that you don't have, and my wife's feminine view has helped me enormously in ministry. If you don't take advantage of that, you're a fool.

I remember after, when I was a pastor years ago, and I used to preach on Sunday morning, I'd be standing, talking to people afterwards, and they'd come by and make comments about the sermon or what's going on in their lives, stuff. So my wife and I and kids would drive home for lunch on Sunday afternoon, and my wife would say, "By the way, did you remember a Mr.

and Mrs. Jones "coming up to you and saying da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da?" I'd say, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, I do remember that. "Do you know what Mrs. Jones was saying "when she said da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da?" I said, "Sure, Mrs. Jones was saying da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da." She said, "No, that's not what she was saying." I made the mistake of taking Mrs.

Jones at her word, all right? (audience laughing) There were subtle things in between there, all right? And she says, "Mrs. Jones was saying da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da." Really? That's what Mrs. Jones was saying? Yes. Ugh. All right, I see Mrs. Jones later on that evening, the Sunday evening service. I say, "Mrs.

Jones, this morning when you came up and you said, "Duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh," did you mean, "Duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh that you have special, you can have input into people's lives if you listen to her, meaningful input. So a lot of men who don't take advantage of that. And then a guy leader's not demanding, he doesn't force her to submit, nowhere in the Bible, nowhere in the Bible does it ever say that it's a husband's job to make sure his wife submits.

Nowhere in the Bible does it say that. And by the way, you couldn't do that anyhow. You may make her obey because you're bigger, physically stronger. You may make her obey, but you can't force her to submit because submission is always an attitude of the heart. You can't do that.

You cannot force submission, nobody can force submission on anybody. You can't do that. It's something that she has to decide in her heart before God to do, and you make it either easy or hard. Let's make it, ha, I got an idea, easy. Let's make it easy for her to do this.

That is revolutionary. All right? A godly leader is not demanding, he does not force her to submit. What is godly leadership? I love John 10:27 because it says, "My sheep hear my voice and they follow me." All right? Jesus did not get behind the sheep with a bullwhip and drive them to where He wanted them to go.

He didn't do that. Jesus didn't do that. In other words, He got out in front, and by the behavior of His life, they followed His model. "My sheep hear my voice, they follow me." That is godly leadership. So how are your wife and children, how are you leading them?

If you're going to be a leader, you've got to focus on needs. That is the needs of others. You're going to put their needs above your own needs. You're going to be very goal-oriented, and by setting godly goals, where do you want to be in five years of your marriage, 10 years of your marriage, 15 years of your marriage, where do you want to be?

You've got to set godly goals in order to attain them. You've got to set examples of control in every area of your life. How much you watch TV, how much you read, what you watch on TV, where you go on the internet, how you use your smartphone, and where you go on the internet with your smartphone.

Everybody's watching you. Your wife and your kids are watching you. You're setting examples of purity and godliness by everything you do or don't do. This is so key. Where do you want to take them spiritually? You're leading them in the Word of God, in prayer. Where are you? Set examples of control.

You're a problem solver. She knows that she can turn to you for help. She knows that. And you're a teacher. You lead her in the Word, and you're a joy to live with. You know how many husbands are not joys to live with? I mean, this comes out of years.

That whole principle comes out of years of counseling. Why? Because I know that some husbands, when they come home from work, six o'clock in the evening, the wife and the kids are running for cover, because he walks in the door, and he's a grouch. He's biting everybody's head off.

I never wanted that in my home. I never wanted... You know, I had my share of problems. In fact, I've listened to people's problems for 45 years, all right? I don't want to just have my own problems. I'd listen to everybody else's problems. And I never wanted to come home, and I never, ever wanted to bring those problems home.

You know, when I turned the corner to our little subdivision, I left all my problems right there in that corner. Next morning, I went by and picked them back up and went back to work. But I wanted my wife and kids to say, just before I got home, "Ten minutes, Dad's going to be home.

Best time of the day." I didn't want them running for cover. You've got to be a joy to live with. Are you a joy, or are you a pain where we cannot explain to live with? What are you? What are you? Three things you've got to remember in order to be a godly husband, learner, lover, leader.

Let me tell you a quick story. Years ago, premarital counseling, I was talking. Tim Jennings and Brenda Casho, they were getting married, and I was talking about his responsibility as a future husband, taught him you've got to be a learner, lover, leader. Those three things you've got to remember.

And on the day of your wedding, I'm going to ask you before you get married, what do you need to do, remember, in order to get married to Brenda? Tim says, "Okay, I'll have them." No problem. The day of the wedding, showed up, went in and had prayer with the bride and her family.

Then I went ahead and had prayer with the groom, his family. I said, "Tim, three things you've got to remember in order to be a godly husband to Brenda. What are they?" He said, "I've got them, learner, lover, and lever." This wedding's off. No, no, no. Not learner, lover, lever.

Learner, lover, leader. Learner, lover, leader. Now, I want you to put those in the back pocket of your memory. Now, gentlemen, look at me. Don't look at your wife's notes. Look at me. All right, say it out loud to me. Ready? In order to be a godly husband, I am going to be a...uh-huh.

Uh-huh. Oh, listen to that, ladies. They got to memorize. One more time, gentlemen, just to let it sink in. Ready? In order to be a godly husband, I'm going to be a...uh-huh. Uh-huh. Oh, yes.