Should Stay-at-Home Moms Take a Day Off?

00:00:00.000 | (upbeat music)

00:00:02.580 | - I don't know when you're gonna hear this episode,

00:00:06.280 | but it's initially launching online on a Monday,

00:00:09.220 | commonly a day off for pastors.

00:00:11.780 | And we have a question from a stay-at-home mom

00:00:13.760 | who writes us, "Hello, Pastor John.

00:00:14.960 | "I'm a stay-at-home mom to three darling daughters

00:00:17.120 | "under five and also a pastor's wife as well.

00:00:20.020 | "Like most pastors, my husband takes Mondays off

00:00:22.300 | "to recharge, but I find there's never a day off

00:00:24.720 | "I can take off from laundry, dishes, cleaning, et cetera.

00:00:28.640 | "The work never ends for me, and I find this to be

00:00:30.700 | "a challenge for a lot of moms who are feeling burnt out.

00:00:34.560 | "Without questioning the value of our husband's day off,

00:00:37.280 | "should moms get a day off too?

00:00:39.480 | "Should we try, or is this a selfish request?"

00:00:43.200 | - Whether it's a selfish request, I can't tell,

00:00:46.720 | because I don't know your heart.

00:00:49.400 | God does, but it certainly doesn't have to be

00:00:53.860 | a selfish request, and I don't assume it is.

00:00:58.400 | It may be the same as the question that my wife and I

00:01:02.840 | posed at church and with the staff, at home,

00:01:07.840 | during my pastorate, over and over.

00:01:10.800 | How do we find, how does the staff find,

00:01:14.640 | how do we as a couple find the pace to finish the race?

00:01:18.720 | That's the way we put it.

00:01:20.520 | The marriage race, the parenting race.

00:01:23.120 | They are marathons, not 100-meter dashes.

00:01:27.900 | Noelle and I have been running the marriage marathon

00:01:32.220 | for 50 years, as of last December.

00:01:35.960 | And the parenting marathon, we've been running for 47 years,

00:01:41.480 | and believe me, you still run the parenting marathon

00:01:44.140 | after your kids are grown and you've got 14 grandkids.

00:01:47.960 | And we ran the pastoring marathon for 33 years.

00:01:51.280 | So the question for all of us, moms, single moms,

00:01:55.360 | husbands, single dads, how do you find the pace

00:02:00.360 | to finish the race?

00:02:02.680 | That's the question.

00:02:04.640 | We don't want to loiter on our heavenly journey,

00:02:09.140 | and we don't want to fall exhausted halfway through.

00:02:14.760 | That's not a selfish question to ask.

00:02:16.840 | It's a wise one to ask.

00:02:18.920 | How can I find the pace to finish the race?

00:02:22.480 | So whether it's a day off or some other configuration

00:02:27.480 | of off and on, work and rest, sustaining rhythm,

00:02:32.960 | here are five observations

00:02:36.500 | that might prove helpful to think about.

00:02:41.320 | Number one, the Sabbath principle was God's idea

00:02:46.320 | before there was a fall into sin,

00:02:50.380 | before there was a fall with all the added burdens

00:02:55.000 | that the fall brought.

00:02:56.920 | One day in seven, different from others,

00:03:01.320 | not the same pressured work, but relief and spiritual focus

00:03:06.320 | to say to the Lord, "I am not God.

00:03:12.320 | "You are God."

00:03:14.160 | If I stop upholding the universe

00:03:16.280 | by the word of my power for one day,

00:03:18.760 | it's not gonna go out of existence.

00:03:20.940 | I'm not God.

00:03:22.980 | To say on that day to your own body,

00:03:25.820 | "You're not superhuman, body.

00:03:27.980 | "God is."

00:03:29.680 | That principle, one day in seven,

00:03:31.840 | to be honest with God and humble with God

00:03:34.360 | and restful with God, that principle was true

00:03:38.900 | for all the people of God, men and women.

00:03:42.800 | So husbands should take the lead.

00:03:46.540 | I'm gonna assume this in every one of these questions.

00:03:48.940 | Husbands should take the lead

00:03:51.100 | in helping the family think through

00:03:53.980 | what that will look like for them all

00:03:57.380 | as the kids are growing up, including mom.

00:04:01.700 | If all seven of mom's days are the same,

00:04:05.380 | something is amiss, given the Sabbath principle.

00:04:10.380 | Number two, recognize that marriage and children

00:04:16.140 | and ministry will have different seasons

00:04:19.420 | with very different pressures.

00:04:21.180 | Children under two present a different challenge

00:04:25.460 | than three to six and six to 13 and so on.

00:04:30.460 | Every season is demanding, but not in the same way.

00:04:37.300 | So if one feels unbearable,

00:04:41.380 | I was just talking to a young fellow

00:04:42.940 | over at Desiring God today who's got a brand new baby

00:04:46.380 | and he said, "I never knew it would be so hard."

00:04:48.460 | And mainly he had in mind sleep.

00:04:51.820 | Where are we gonna get enough sleep

00:04:53.460 | to function the way we need to?

00:04:55.760 | It may help to remember in those seasons,

00:04:58.460 | this season is gonna be over.

00:05:00.260 | Someday it will be over and we just need to find the pace

00:05:04.880 | to get through this part of the race.

00:05:07.100 | Idea number three, husbands take responsibility

00:05:11.340 | for knowing your wife.

00:05:13.660 | Peter says, "Live with her according to knowledge."

00:05:17.940 | She is a fellow heir of the grace of life,

00:05:20.180 | which means study her, listen to her, watch her,

00:05:25.180 | discern how you can help her flourish, be maximally fruitful.

00:05:31.140 | That's what you want for her, flourish.

00:05:34.540 | How can she be maximally fruitful and happy

00:05:38.260 | in her calling as a homemaker and mother

00:05:42.140 | and all the other aspects of her church and community life?

00:05:46.420 | That help will probably include daily relief of some kind

00:05:52.620 | from you for her and periodic relief of more extended time.

00:05:59.260 | For example, I aimed as a young pastor with four kids,

00:06:07.160 | I aimed to get home or to come out of my study at home

00:06:12.160 | before supper at 5.30 and from rounding up the children,

00:06:18.420 | four boys at one time and Talva came along later,

00:06:23.100 | but boys were out of the house by then.

00:06:24.520 | So we had four at one time, four boys at one time

00:06:28.460 | and rounding them up for supper at 5.30

00:06:32.060 | and until seven o'clock,

00:06:34.140 | the children were my responsibility.

00:06:37.440 | We called it playtime.

00:06:39.400 | Noel might work or she might rest,

00:06:42.720 | she might read or she might do the dishes.

00:06:44.880 | She'd do something, whatever she wanted to do,

00:06:47.240 | she did between 5.30 and seven.

00:06:50.240 | But at least for that hour and a half,

00:06:52.560 | I lifted that part of the day's load.

00:06:56.840 | On vacation, we traded off.

00:07:00.300 | She took the kids in the morning,

00:07:02.620 | let me read till noon, we ate together.

00:07:06.200 | I took the kids in the afternoon.

00:07:08.360 | She went off and visited the town and visited bead shops

00:07:12.360 | or lay down by the lake or whatever she wanted to do.

00:07:15.600 | She was free to do what she wanted to do alone

00:07:18.560 | and I was playing wiffle ball with the kids

00:07:21.600 | for four or five hours.

00:07:23.240 | And then in the evening,

00:07:24.800 | there was all family time until the kids went to bed.

00:07:30.000 | Now, there were other times when I would see to it

00:07:32.660 | that she could go with her friends,

00:07:34.660 | go on the women's retreat.

00:07:36.400 | And the point is,

00:07:39.180 | husband's leadership does not mean

00:07:43.860 | making endless demands on your wife.

00:07:47.500 | Can we be done with that notion of what leadership,

00:07:50.900 | when I talk about a husband's calling is to be a decisive,

00:07:56.140 | uniquely responsible leader in the family.

00:08:00.620 | That's not leadership to make incessant demands.

00:08:05.620 | That's an immature tyranny.

00:08:09.480 | Leadership means know her,

00:08:12.860 | be creative in putting into place strategies of renewal

00:08:17.360 | that work for both of you.

00:08:19.200 | Take the initiative to do that,

00:08:21.160 | see that they get carried through.

00:08:23.080 | Number four, be open and on the lookout

00:08:26.880 | for multiple families and relatives and neighbors

00:08:30.360 | to help in caring for the children.

00:08:33.280 | This is especially relevant for single parents, right?

00:08:35.940 | It's that's a given, you know,

00:08:37.840 | we should feel very jealous to be helpful

00:08:42.620 | between families for those who have,

00:08:45.720 | for all kinds of reasons run into difficult circumstances

00:08:50.560 | that are seasonal.

00:08:52.120 | The nuclear family is God's idea,

00:08:56.260 | but the isolated family is not God's idea.

00:09:00.500 | A mom who feels isolated and trapped

00:09:04.680 | in the walls of her home is probably not going

00:09:07.760 | to be emotionally and spiritually healthy.

00:09:10.580 | When Hillary Clinton, let's dare to quote Hillary Clinton,

00:09:14.880 | when Hillary Clinton said,

00:09:16.800 | "It takes a village to raise a child,"

00:09:19.680 | she wasn't making that up.

00:09:21.480 | That's an ancient proverb.

00:09:24.360 | It's an ancient wisdom.

00:09:25.760 | Everywhere, children need more than mom and dad.

00:09:30.620 | Children need other human beings.

00:09:35.620 | So husbands, more leadership here.

00:09:40.520 | How's the family doing in its wider network

00:09:45.440 | for the good of the children and the relief of the mom

00:09:50.360 | as we all share in the raising of our kids

00:09:53.600 | and help each other bear one another's burdens?

00:09:58.400 | Number five, I want to make a special appeal

00:10:02.080 | to young moms and dads that you give the energy

00:10:06.460 | and focus and consistency of effort

00:10:09.600 | while your children are under two

00:10:12.480 | to build into them the habit of obeying

00:10:16.560 | on the very first directive that you give them.

00:10:21.180 | No whining, no disobedience allowed.

00:10:26.760 | You will do what you're told on the first request.

00:10:31.600 | Now this requires a huge outlay of focus

00:10:36.600 | and attention and courage and wisdom and energy

00:10:42.000 | and love when the children are very small

00:10:45.720 | because it's just easier to stay on the couch

00:10:49.520 | and let the child disobey three times in a row

00:10:52.560 | 'cause you're too lazy to get up and do any enforcement.

00:10:55.680 | So I'm saying it's a long, hard job, but oh, the payoff.

00:11:00.680 | - Yes.

00:11:03.240 | - Oh, it's so beautiful to see later on.

00:11:07.900 | Now I could argue for this

00:11:10.100 | because the Bible says children obey your parents.

00:11:14.600 | That's not rocket science.

00:11:16.000 | That's what it says.

00:11:18.200 | And they don't do that naturally.

00:11:20.180 | And parents bring them up in the nurture

00:11:22.480 | and discipline of the Lord.

00:11:24.960 | But my point here is that for the sake of mom's sanity

00:11:29.960 | and health and strength,

00:11:33.440 | dad, help her raise obedient children.

00:11:39.160 | It's amazing to me that so many parents

00:11:43.300 | of young children don't require obedience.

00:11:46.680 | Seems crazy to me, insane.

00:11:49.080 | - Yeah, how totally?

00:11:49.920 | - How to make your life miserable for 15 years.

00:11:53.680 | No wonder everyone is dead tired.

00:11:57.220 | It's simply exhausting to follow a child around

00:12:01.240 | trying to keep them from killing themselves

00:12:04.360 | because they won't do what you tell them to do.

00:12:07.840 | I'm gonna say this, you can, yes, you can require

00:12:12.200 | your children say under six, seven, eight years old

00:12:16.360 | to go to bed at seven o'clock.

00:12:18.440 | Yes, you can.

00:12:19.960 | I don't care what they're made of.

00:12:21.540 | You can require that.

00:12:23.280 | And they don't get out of bed unless the house is on fire.

00:12:25.780 | They're gonna encounter dad's wrath

00:12:27.760 | if they get out of bed, if they don't smell smoke.

00:12:30.080 | I say this not to add burdens, but to lift them.

00:12:35.080 | Imagine what an emotional burden is lifted

00:12:40.660 | if children simply do what they are told

00:12:43.840 | the first time you tell them to do it.

00:12:46.400 | That takes enormous focus and effort and love

00:12:50.440 | and follow through and discipline

00:12:52.120 | in the first two years of life.

00:12:54.100 | So dads, this is your agenda.

00:12:56.840 | Know your wife, know your children,

00:12:59.720 | know your Bible, know yourself,

00:13:03.080 | and make sure your wife has what she needs

00:13:07.160 | to be fruitful and happy as a wife and mother.

00:13:12.160 | - Yeah, good words from the marathon of parenting.

00:13:16.140 | Thank you, Pastor John.

00:13:17.420 | And thanks for subscribing to Ask Pastor John

00:13:19.660 | in your favorite podcast app or on YouTube.

00:13:21.540 | We appreciate each and every one of you busy moms out there

00:13:24.780 | who are making time to listen to Ask Pastor John.

00:13:27.380 | That is no small thing,

00:13:28.980 | and we are humbled to have you along.

00:13:30.820 | I'm your host, Tony Reinke.

00:13:32.660 | We will see you on Wednesday as we talk about preaching.

00:13:35.420 | What is the goal of a sermon anyways?

00:13:38.480 | We'll see you Wednesday.

00:13:39.680 | (silence)

00:13:41.840 | (silence)

00:13:44.000 | (silence)

00:13:46.160 | you

Should Stay-at-Home Moms Take a Day Off?

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