(upbeat music) - I don't know when you're gonna hear this episode, but it's initially launching online on a Monday, commonly a day off for pastors. And we have a question from a stay-at-home mom who writes us, "Hello, Pastor John. "I'm a stay-at-home mom to three darling daughters "under five and also a pastor's wife as well.

"Like most pastors, my husband takes Mondays off "to recharge, but I find there's never a day off "I can take off from laundry, dishes, cleaning, et cetera. "The work never ends for me, and I find this to be "a challenge for a lot of moms who are feeling burnt out.

"Without questioning the value of our husband's day off, "should moms get a day off too? "Should we try, or is this a selfish request?" - Whether it's a selfish request, I can't tell, because I don't know your heart. God does, but it certainly doesn't have to be a selfish request, and I don't assume it is.

It may be the same as the question that my wife and I posed at church and with the staff, at home, during my pastorate, over and over. How do we find, how does the staff find, how do we as a couple find the pace to finish the race? That's the way we put it.

The marriage race, the parenting race. They are marathons, not 100-meter dashes. Noelle and I have been running the marriage marathon for 50 years, as of last December. And the parenting marathon, we've been running for 47 years, and believe me, you still run the parenting marathon after your kids are grown and you've got 14 grandkids.

And we ran the pastoring marathon for 33 years. So the question for all of us, moms, single moms, husbands, single dads, how do you find the pace to finish the race? That's the question. We don't want to loiter on our heavenly journey, and we don't want to fall exhausted halfway through.

That's not a selfish question to ask. It's a wise one to ask. How can I find the pace to finish the race? So whether it's a day off or some other configuration of off and on, work and rest, sustaining rhythm, here are five observations that might prove helpful to think about.

Number one, the Sabbath principle was God's idea before there was a fall into sin, before there was a fall with all the added burdens that the fall brought. One day in seven, different from others, not the same pressured work, but relief and spiritual focus to say to the Lord, "I am not God.

"You are God." If I stop upholding the universe by the word of my power for one day, it's not gonna go out of existence. I'm not God. To say on that day to your own body, "You're not superhuman, body. "God is." That principle, one day in seven, to be honest with God and humble with God and restful with God, that principle was true for all the people of God, men and women.

So husbands should take the lead. I'm gonna assume this in every one of these questions. Husbands should take the lead in helping the family think through what that will look like for them all as the kids are growing up, including mom. If all seven of mom's days are the same, something is amiss, given the Sabbath principle.

Number two, recognize that marriage and children and ministry will have different seasons with very different pressures. Children under two present a different challenge than three to six and six to 13 and so on. Every season is demanding, but not in the same way. So if one feels unbearable, I was just talking to a young fellow over at Desiring God today who's got a brand new baby and he said, "I never knew it would be so hard." And mainly he had in mind sleep.

Where are we gonna get enough sleep to function the way we need to? It may help to remember in those seasons, this season is gonna be over. Someday it will be over and we just need to find the pace to get through this part of the race. Idea number three, husbands take responsibility for knowing your wife.

Peter says, "Live with her according to knowledge." She is a fellow heir of the grace of life, which means study her, listen to her, watch her, discern how you can help her flourish, be maximally fruitful. That's what you want for her, flourish. How can she be maximally fruitful and happy in her calling as a homemaker and mother and all the other aspects of her church and community life?

That help will probably include daily relief of some kind from you for her and periodic relief of more extended time. For example, I aimed as a young pastor with four kids, I aimed to get home or to come out of my study at home before supper at 5.30 and from rounding up the children, four boys at one time and Talva came along later, but boys were out of the house by then.

So we had four at one time, four boys at one time and rounding them up for supper at 5.30 and until seven o'clock, the children were my responsibility. We called it playtime. Noel might work or she might rest, she might read or she might do the dishes. She'd do something, whatever she wanted to do, she did between 5.30 and seven.

But at least for that hour and a half, I lifted that part of the day's load. On vacation, we traded off. She took the kids in the morning, let me read till noon, we ate together. I took the kids in the afternoon. She went off and visited the town and visited bead shops or lay down by the lake or whatever she wanted to do.

She was free to do what she wanted to do alone and I was playing wiffle ball with the kids for four or five hours. And then in the evening, there was all family time until the kids went to bed. Now, there were other times when I would see to it that she could go with her friends, go on the women's retreat.

And the point is, husband's leadership does not mean making endless demands on your wife. Can we be done with that notion of what leadership, when I talk about a husband's calling is to be a decisive, uniquely responsible leader in the family. That's not leadership to make incessant demands. That's an immature tyranny.

Leadership means know her, be creative in putting into place strategies of renewal that work for both of you. Take the initiative to do that, see that they get carried through. Number four, be open and on the lookout for multiple families and relatives and neighbors to help in caring for the children.

This is especially relevant for single parents, right? It's that's a given, you know, we should feel very jealous to be helpful between families for those who have, for all kinds of reasons run into difficult circumstances that are seasonal. The nuclear family is God's idea, but the isolated family is not God's idea.

A mom who feels isolated and trapped in the walls of her home is probably not going to be emotionally and spiritually healthy. When Hillary Clinton, let's dare to quote Hillary Clinton, when Hillary Clinton said, "It takes a village to raise a child," she wasn't making that up. That's an ancient proverb.

It's an ancient wisdom. Everywhere, children need more than mom and dad. Children need other human beings. So husbands, more leadership here. How's the family doing in its wider network for the good of the children and the relief of the mom as we all share in the raising of our kids and help each other bear one another's burdens?

Number five, I want to make a special appeal to young moms and dads that you give the energy and focus and consistency of effort while your children are under two to build into them the habit of obeying on the very first directive that you give them. No whining, no disobedience allowed.

You will do what you're told on the first request. Now this requires a huge outlay of focus and attention and courage and wisdom and energy and love when the children are very small because it's just easier to stay on the couch and let the child disobey three times in a row 'cause you're too lazy to get up and do any enforcement.

So I'm saying it's a long, hard job, but oh, the payoff. - Yes. - Oh, it's so beautiful to see later on. Now I could argue for this because the Bible says children obey your parents. That's not rocket science. That's what it says. And they don't do that naturally.

And parents bring them up in the nurture and discipline of the Lord. But my point here is that for the sake of mom's sanity and health and strength, dad, help her raise obedient children. It's amazing to me that so many parents of young children don't require obedience. Seems crazy to me, insane.

- Yeah, how totally? - How to make your life miserable for 15 years. No wonder everyone is dead tired. It's simply exhausting to follow a child around trying to keep them from killing themselves because they won't do what you tell them to do. I'm gonna say this, you can, yes, you can require your children say under six, seven, eight years old to go to bed at seven o'clock.

Yes, you can. I don't care what they're made of. You can require that. And they don't get out of bed unless the house is on fire. They're gonna encounter dad's wrath if they get out of bed, if they don't smell smoke. I say this not to add burdens, but to lift them.

Imagine what an emotional burden is lifted if children simply do what they are told the first time you tell them to do it. That takes enormous focus and effort and love and follow through and discipline in the first two years of life. So dads, this is your agenda. Know your wife, know your children, know your Bible, know yourself, and make sure your wife has what she needs to be fruitful and happy as a wife and mother.

- Yeah, good words from the marathon of parenting. Thank you, Pastor John. And thanks for subscribing to Ask Pastor John in your favorite podcast app or on YouTube. We appreciate each and every one of you busy moms out there who are making time to listen to Ask Pastor John.

That is no small thing, and we are humbled to have you along. I'm your host, Tony Reinke. We will see you on Wednesday as we talk about preaching. What is the goal of a sermon anyways? We'll see you Wednesday. (silence) (silence) (silence) you