Can I Forgive Someone Who Doesn’t Confess Wronging Me?
00:00:00.000 | "Can I forgive someone who does not confess to wronging me?"
00:00:08.400 | It's a question from Jason who writes, "Pastor John, hello.
00:00:12.080 | As you know in Matthew 18, the parable of the unforgiving servant ends with a dire warning
00:00:16.320 | to those who don't forgive.
00:00:18.680 | So also my heavenly Father will do to every one of you if you do not forgive your brother
00:00:23.520 | from your heart."
00:00:25.560 | That's Matthew 18, 35.
00:00:33.000 | In anger, his master delivered him to the jailers until he should pay all his debts.
00:00:38.600 | That's Matthew 18, 34.
00:00:40.480 | I have a lot of questions about this passage, but the main two are one, can I biblically
00:00:44.800 | forgive someone if they don't ask to be forgiven?
00:00:47.520 | Or can I just be disposed or willing to forgive them if and when they ask?
00:00:52.440 | What if I or they die before I can forgive them?
00:00:56.920 | And the second question is, can I biblically forgive someone if they think they've done
00:01:01.600 | nothing wrong to me?
00:01:03.680 | Pastor John, what would you say to Jason?
00:01:06.720 | Right.
00:01:08.600 | So I hear at least three questions.
00:01:11.960 | Can we forgive a person who doesn't think they've done wrong and we think they have?
00:01:19.280 | That's really relevant to marriage, by the way.
00:01:22.520 | I think that happens a lot in marriage.
00:01:25.960 | Another one that he asks, it seems, is if they don't ask for forgiveness, can forgiveness
00:01:33.040 | proceed?
00:01:34.280 | And then lastly, what if I die before I forgive them or they ask?
00:01:40.680 | So let's start with Jesus teaching about forgiveness, because it really is as important as Jason
00:01:52.080 | shows it to be.
00:01:54.560 | Here's what Jesus says.
00:01:56.360 | He says to pray like this, "Forgive us our debts as we also have forgiven our debtors."
00:02:04.440 | And then he unpacks it.
00:02:05.960 | That's Matthew 6, verse 12, I think.
00:02:09.480 | And then he unpacks it in verse 14, "For if you forgive others their trespasses, your
00:02:14.920 | heavenly Father will forgive you.
00:02:16.760 | But if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses."
00:02:25.320 | That's huge.
00:02:27.040 | And then Jesus puts it in a parable, which is what our friend is referring to in Matthew
00:02:32.840 | 18.
00:02:34.520 | Peter had just asked the Lord, "Lord, how often will my brother sin against me and I
00:02:40.560 | forgive him?
00:02:41.560 | As many as seven times?"
00:02:43.360 | And Jesus said to him, "I do not say seven times, but seventy-seven times," or seven
00:02:48.880 | times seventy.
00:02:49.880 | Some translations have it.
00:02:51.480 | Anyway, lots and lots and lots of times.
00:02:54.100 | Then comes the parable, and a king forgives a debtor who owes him a million, million dollars.
00:03:00.720 | It's just an off-the-charts number.
00:03:03.480 | And then he goes out and strangles a friend who owes him ten dollars.
00:03:09.240 | In other words, being forgiven has had zero transforming effect on this servant.
00:03:19.280 | He's as selfish as ever.
00:03:21.600 | And the king hears about it, and that's where we pick it up.
00:03:26.240 | Then his master summoned him and said to him, "You wicked servant, I forgave you all that
00:03:31.360 | debt because you pleaded with me, and should not you have had mercy on your fellow servant
00:03:37.200 | as I had mercy on you?"
00:03:39.480 | And in anger, his master delivered him to the jailers until he should pay all his debt.
00:03:45.720 | So also, my Heavenly Father will do to every one of you, you'll get thrown into prison
00:03:54.320 | if you do not forgive your brother from the heart.
00:03:58.840 | And then James says the same thing, basically, in James 2.13 where he writes, "For judgment
00:04:07.320 | is without mercy to one who has shown no mercy."
00:04:13.040 | Mercy triumphs over judgment.
00:04:14.840 | That means my mercy towards you, Tony, will be a triumphant influence at the judgment
00:04:21.520 | day.
00:04:22.840 | Which is what Jesus said in Matthew 5, 7, "Blessed are the merciful, for they shall
00:04:29.280 | receive mercy."
00:04:30.560 | If you're a merciless person, you meet a merciless God.
00:04:36.360 | So from all this, we are sobered to realize that no one is a true Christian.
00:04:44.780 | No one is born again and destined for heaven who is an ungrateful, unforgiving person.
00:04:51.760 | Jesus would say, "You cannot genuinely receive my forgiveness and remain unforgiving.
00:05:00.080 | You can't."
00:05:02.760 | Now Jason's question is—and they're clearly important, it's a matter of life and death.
00:05:11.560 | First, what if I die—let's take them in that order—what if I die before I forgive
00:05:17.680 | my adversary?
00:05:19.700 | Now the answer to that hangs on the way you see your forgiveness functioning—that is,
00:05:30.040 | your forgiving others—functioning in your final salvation.
00:05:35.820 | If you think that God looks at each deed of your forgiving and repays it with salvation,
00:05:45.080 | and if it's missing when you die, you would lose your salvation.
00:05:50.520 | That's the way you conceive about it.
00:05:53.600 | But if you think that the deed of your forgiving is one of the fruits of your union with Christ,
00:06:04.440 | then if one of your fruits had not yet ripened into an act of forgiving, it would not necessarily
00:06:16.160 | prove that you're not united to Christ for two reasons.
00:06:22.440 | First, because there are other fruits to show the reality of your union with Christ, and
00:06:29.400 | second, because the Lord himself could see—he could see the seed of your act, even if you
00:06:41.560 | did not have time for the seed of forgiveness to grow into the deed of forgiving.
00:06:50.480 | So that is, in fact, I think, how it works.
00:06:55.360 | That's the way the final experience of salvation relates to our being forgiving people.
00:07:05.860 | Salvation is not payback for good works.
00:07:10.120 | The good works are the fruit of union with Christ, who is the all-sufficient ground of
00:07:18.880 | our acceptance with God, so one good deed left undone is not a proof of our lostness.
00:07:28.760 | It will be covered by the blood of Jesus because of our union with him through faith.
00:07:34.540 | And all of our other acts of forgiveness in our life are testifying to that reality, that
00:07:40.560 | we've believed on him and his blood is covering us.
00:07:44.380 | Which brings us now to Jason's other question.
00:07:47.580 | Can we forgive a person who doesn't think he's done wrong, and we think he has, or
00:07:54.060 | if he doesn't ask for any forgiveness?
00:07:57.120 | And the answer is, we can.
00:08:01.600 | And we must.
00:08:03.420 | We must do our part in the forgiveness.
00:08:07.060 | This is what Jesus meant, I think, when he said, "Love your enemies, bless those who
00:08:12.680 | curse you, pray for those who abuse you," Luke 6:27.
00:08:18.820 | They are still our enemies when we do that.
00:08:22.960 | They have not asked for any forgiveness, and they don't think they need any.
00:08:27.440 | They're making life miserable for us, and they think they ought to.
00:08:31.460 | We are to bless them, and that blessing means that our part of the inward forgiveness has
00:08:41.160 | happened.
00:08:42.280 | The opposite of forgiveness is holding a grudge, but blessing is the opposite of holding a
00:08:48.700 | grudge, and so blessing is a kind of forgiving.
00:08:54.200 | It is true, and I suppose this is what he's thinking, it is true that the full effect
00:09:00.600 | of forgiveness can only happen if the other person believes they need it and want it.
00:09:07.460 | That's why it's so frustrating when you want to forgive somebody and they don't think they
00:09:11.280 | need any forgiveness.
00:09:13.880 | But we do not wait for that, right?
00:09:17.380 | We don't wait for them to do their half before we do our half.
00:09:22.080 | We must be rid of bitterness and grudges right away.
00:09:28.240 | We do what Jesus did on the cross.
00:09:31.600 | And 1 Peter described so powerfully, 1 Peter 2.23, "When he was reviled," so this is like
00:09:38.800 | he's setting an example for us, "when he was reviled, he did not revile in return, and
00:09:44.240 | when he suffered, he did not threaten."
00:09:46.640 | In fact, he prayed for their forgiveness.
00:09:48.520 | But here's what it says, "But he continued entrusting himself to the one who judges justly."
00:09:56.280 | We must renounce revenge and trust our cause to God and then return good for evil.
00:10:05.220 | That's our part of forgiveness, and we can do it whether the adversary admits wrong or
00:10:14.440 | not.
00:10:16.000 | One great miracle has already happened in us, and we're not responsible for the other
00:10:23.660 | miracle of repentance in them.
00:10:25.800 | Yeah, may that miracle of humble repentance and confession become more and more real in
00:10:31.320 | our lives and marriages.
00:10:32.600 | Thank you, Pastor John.
00:10:33.880 | Well, if you cannot get enough of the Ask Pastor John podcast, and let's be honest,
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00:10:53.840 | And of course, you can reach us by email with a question of your own.
00:10:57.280 | Where can you do all of these things?
00:10:59.080 | I'm glad you asked.
00:11:00.080 | You can go to our online home at DesiringGod.org/AskPastorJohn.
00:11:04.080 | DesiringGod.org/AskPastorJohn.
00:11:05.080 | Well, what's the difference between foolishness and sinfulness?
00:11:14.500 | And is there a distinction between them in Scripture?
00:11:17.700 | That's on the docket on Friday.
00:11:19.200 | I'm your host, Tony Reinke.
00:11:20.600 | Thanks for listening to the podcast.
00:11:21.600 | We'll see you then.
00:11:22.400 | Bye.
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