composer-5ukz2rh66_editor-clip_clip_sam-dogen-financial-samurai-syd_2023-aug-02-0809pm_financial_samurai_p
00:00:00.000 | - Hello everybody, it's Sam and Sydney
00:00:02.640 | from the Financial Samurai Podcast.
00:00:04.560 | And in this episode, we wanna do a catch up
00:00:07.000 | because Sydney, you're back from almost a week
00:00:10.960 | in Tokyo, Japan.
00:00:12.800 | The children and I missed you
00:00:14.480 | and we wanted to hear how your trip went
00:00:17.280 | and also some realizations that I had
00:00:20.140 | about basically being a single dad for almost a week.
00:00:24.280 | So how was your trip?
00:00:26.280 | - It was good, it was very productive.
00:00:28.600 | This wasn't like a vacation, just to clarify
00:00:31.240 | that I had to accompany my mother,
00:00:34.200 | who's in her late 70s,
00:00:36.040 | to take care of some family matters.
00:00:39.640 | And I left the US on Monday,
00:00:41.880 | which means I didn't get to my hotel
00:00:44.560 | until Tuesday night in Japan.
00:00:47.480 | And then was busy doing things Wednesday, Thursday, Friday,
00:00:52.240 | and then left Japan Saturday morning
00:00:54.180 | and then got back here Saturday morning
00:00:56.560 | with a time difference.
00:00:57.440 | So overall, it was a busy but productive trip
00:01:00.800 | and it went well.
00:01:02.160 | I missed you guys too.
00:01:03.240 | It was hard to be away,
00:01:04.960 | but everything worked out pretty well.
00:01:07.840 | - Yeah, it sounded really productive
00:01:10.520 | because for the couple months leading up to this trip,
00:01:13.220 | you seemed more stressed than usual,
00:01:15.760 | especially since you lost your passport
00:01:18.020 | and you had to go through the whole debacle to get it.
00:01:21.360 | I mean, it was like mission impossible.
00:01:23.560 | - It's been a rough six months.
00:01:25.560 | I don't know, for those of you out there
00:01:28.160 | who have elderly parents whom you have to take care of,
00:01:32.760 | I know how hard it is.
00:01:36.000 | I don't even live with my mom.
00:01:37.480 | She lives across the country,
00:01:39.040 | but still, even having to help her
00:01:42.240 | through so many things from a distance is hard enough.
00:01:45.400 | So it was a quite stressful six months
00:01:49.540 | and I feel a lot more at peace
00:01:52.760 | and content about things having gotten through this trip.
00:01:57.040 | There's still a lot more that we still have to do,
00:01:59.160 | but things are in much better shape than they were,
00:02:03.080 | so that's great.
00:02:04.040 | - And she's in professional hands with the lawyers in Japan
00:02:07.560 | to manage the estate for her sister,
00:02:09.060 | so that's good, that's important.
00:02:11.340 | Managing the estate for our loved ones is very difficult,
00:02:16.760 | even while they're living,
00:02:18.680 | and so I think this is a good opportunity
00:02:20.040 | to remind everyone to put together that death file,
00:02:24.720 | sad to say, but it has information on usernames, passwords,
00:02:29.720 | where to find the extra set of keys,
00:02:32.100 | and all these things that your loved ones
00:02:34.680 | need to know about if they're gonna handle your estate.
00:02:37.880 | Consider putting together a revocable living trust
00:02:40.720 | to avoid probate, and talk to an estate planning lawyer.
00:02:44.400 | These are professionals who are gonna help you
00:02:46.280 | in a really difficult time.
00:02:48.880 | And don't be surprised if you have elderly parents
00:02:51.640 | that it could take a very long time,
00:02:54.360 | at least with my parents,
00:02:57.360 | there's still so much of their own death files
00:03:00.400 | that I've requested that they still haven't done.
00:03:03.320 | I've tried all kinds of things to not bribe them,
00:03:06.320 | but essentially motivate them to get them done,
00:03:10.240 | and it's like pulling teeth, they just don't wanna do it.
00:03:15.160 | And I understand it's not something pleasant to do,
00:03:19.100 | but even as important as it is,
00:03:20.820 | it can take a very long time,
00:03:22.140 | and it takes a lot of patience on our part
00:03:24.860 | to help them along and get them to work on it.
00:03:29.860 | It's not easy.
00:03:31.780 | - And if you're a parent,
00:03:33.220 | I think we should all take the responsibility
00:03:36.140 | to work on these files,
00:03:37.660 | and get our estate clearly organized,
00:03:40.300 | and who to contact if something were to happen.
00:03:42.920 | Because this is a gift of love to our beneficiaries,
00:03:47.380 | our children, our relatives, our loved ones.
00:03:49.940 | Sydney and I, we spent the pandemic
00:03:52.660 | getting new term life insurance policies,
00:03:55.500 | 20-year term policies,
00:03:56.460 | matching policies with the same amount of death benefits.
00:03:59.740 | And we also spend time putting together
00:04:01.820 | our respective death files.
00:04:03.460 | And so we should be set,
00:04:06.220 | and this is because we're thinking about our kids,
00:04:08.540 | and just in case something happens.
00:04:12.260 | So in terms of Japan, how was Japan?
00:04:14.380 | Was it busy, hot?
00:04:16.820 | Was it back to normal, international travel post-pandemic?
00:04:20.620 | - Yeah, I hadn't been back in more than 10 years, I think.
00:04:24.940 | And normally July is hot, but not as crazy hot as August.
00:04:29.020 | But this year the heat came early.
00:04:31.300 | So it was about 98, 99 degrees every day I was there,
00:04:36.300 | and humid.
00:04:38.000 | In the evenings you'd get a little bit of breeze,
00:04:39.980 | which would help cool things down.
00:04:41.580 | But walking with my mom at a slow pace due to her age,
00:04:46.300 | and using a cane in the summer heat there was tough.
00:04:51.300 | So while I was with her, I had to stay very patient,
00:04:56.620 | and I tried to keep her indoors as much as possible.
00:04:58.860 | And then I had to do a lot of things independently from her
00:05:01.640 | to keep her out of the heat.
00:05:03.660 | So coming from San Francisco,
00:05:06.140 | it was quite a shock to have such an extreme change
00:05:09.100 | in temperature 'cause San Francisco summers are very mild
00:05:12.300 | and actually quite cold.
00:05:14.700 | And in terms of busyness, Tokyo is as busy,
00:05:19.700 | it felt as busy as it ever was.
00:05:22.740 | People are out using the trains, the buses, going to work,
00:05:27.000 | out and about, it felt normal.
00:05:29.980 | It didn't feel unusually slow or anything like that.
00:05:34.980 | So it was good to be back,
00:05:39.340 | but also I'm happy to be home again.
00:05:42.300 | - Would you ever wanna live in Tokyo?
00:05:44.240 | Like let's say when our daughter turns five or older,
00:05:48.700 | you know, we had the opportunity to slow travel
00:05:51.420 | for months on end, maybe years on end,
00:05:53.880 | what do you think about sending them
00:05:55.100 | to international school in Tokyo?
00:05:57.220 | - I would not want to live there.
00:05:59.620 | It's fun to visit and have a vacation there,
00:06:02.780 | especially if you can go off peak when the weather is better
00:06:05.460 | and there's less people.
00:06:06.860 | Japan can get very, very crowded.
00:06:10.100 | And it's just not the type of lifestyle that I want.
00:06:14.560 | I like slower pace, I like less people.
00:06:18.240 | And Tokyo is just, it's a place where you have to
00:06:23.240 | go through really long commutes.
00:06:25.920 | For example, I saw my friend
00:06:28.280 | who I've known since kindergarten,
00:06:30.640 | she moved back to Japan a couple of years ago
00:06:32.680 | and her daughter has to commute an hour to school one way.
00:06:36.620 | Granted, she is going to an international school,
00:06:39.200 | which is going to be farther away.
00:06:41.580 | She's eight years old and she does this all by herself.
00:06:45.360 | One hour to school every day all by herself.
00:06:47.760 | - Well, that's actually good.
00:06:49.700 | Well, toughens her up.
00:06:51.280 | - Yes.
00:06:52.520 | You know, if she was going to a local Japanese school,
00:06:54.640 | she wouldn't have to travel so far.
00:06:56.360 | But you know, if we were going to do
00:06:58.040 | the international school thing,
00:07:00.080 | it would be a lot of commuting.
00:07:02.000 | - Well, not if we lived close to the international school.
00:07:04.400 | - Well, yes, but there's all kinds of pros and cons
00:07:07.360 | and whatnot that we probably don't have time
00:07:09.640 | to get into today.
00:07:10.560 | But it's not the type of lifestyle
00:07:13.680 | that I would want for our family.
00:07:16.120 | - Interesting.
00:07:17.000 | One of the things, I lived in Kobe, Osaka, Kobe,
00:07:19.680 | when I was six years old for a couple years.
00:07:22.300 | And I loved my time there.
00:07:23.560 | The food is amazing, the adventure was amazing.
00:07:25.800 | But I don't know if it's because I was six, seven years old,
00:07:28.800 | which is why the world was amazing.
00:07:31.280 | But when I went back to Tokyo,
00:07:33.840 | this was during college years,
00:07:35.200 | and see some of my friends,
00:07:36.920 | I thought it was expensive.
00:07:39.360 | However, now, as income earning adults with net worth,
00:07:44.360 | versus being a student having nothing,
00:07:47.640 | it doesn't seem that expensive now.
00:07:49.560 | Did you feel that Tokyo was expensive
00:07:51.400 | or inexpensive when you went back?
00:07:53.380 | - I mean, I don't know anything about
00:07:56.720 | the current cost of living expenses there.
00:08:00.720 | In terms of food, which is what I had the most exposure to,
00:08:04.040 | food is reasonable.
00:08:05.840 | Again, the friend that I met with said
00:08:08.280 | they spend less money on food than they did
00:08:10.680 | when they were living in LA.
00:08:12.600 | And not only do they save money,
00:08:15.040 | the quality of the food is better.
00:08:17.080 | - Yeah.
00:08:18.240 | - Which is true. - The food is so good.
00:08:20.640 | - The food in Japan is very good.
00:08:22.200 | Even little small places that you'll find
00:08:25.400 | in the alleyways and whatnot, it's very good.
00:08:27.760 | And even their produce, I find,
00:08:31.120 | is much fresher, much tastier
00:08:34.720 | than in the US.
00:08:36.680 | Very good produce in Japan.
00:08:38.560 | - Like the kyoho grapes and the pears
00:08:41.040 | and the peaches and nectarines,
00:08:42.680 | and the yakiniku, oh my goodness.
00:08:46.040 | What was interesting, you got me a shirt
00:08:48.480 | from the airport with Mount Fuji on it.
00:08:51.120 | I was like, oh, thank you for the shirt.
00:08:52.800 | And it said 1,500 yen,
00:08:54.720 | and I think the exchange rate is like 135 to one.
00:08:58.760 | - Well, when I left, it was about 140.
00:09:01.760 | When I was going there as a kid,
00:09:04.600 | it was about one to 100.
00:09:06.920 | So it's much better now in terms of
00:09:09.640 | how far you can stretch a US dollar.
00:09:12.160 | - Right, right, yeah, so 1,500 yen,
00:09:14.480 | I was like, oh, that's like 11 bucks.
00:09:16.040 | That's so cheap for a T-shirt,
00:09:17.160 | 'cause here in the States,
00:09:18.520 | the cheapest T-shirt would be like 20 bucks.
00:09:21.040 | Maybe $25. - In a lot of places,
00:09:22.640 | yeah, in a lot of places.
00:09:24.400 | - Was everything digital,
00:09:26.280 | or did you still use the hyaku-yen coins
00:09:28.840 | for the train and all that?
00:09:30.960 | - I used some cash and coins for little things,
00:09:34.720 | but I really didn't need cash.
00:09:37.080 | I got a mobile transit card before I left the US,
00:09:42.080 | and I used that every time I went in
00:09:45.320 | and out of the train stations.
00:09:46.480 | It automatically calculates the cost of your trip
00:09:50.200 | and any transfers that you take.
00:09:51.880 | Super easy, very, very efficient,
00:09:54.560 | very technology-forward country.
00:09:58.200 | So it's great to be able to get around very easily.
00:10:03.200 | The public transportation system in Japan is phenomenal.
00:10:07.200 | Very accurate in terms of timeliness,
00:10:10.360 | very clean, very reliable.
00:10:14.040 | - Yeah, and this Pass,
00:10:16.520 | do you just download it on Apple or something?
00:10:18.840 | How does that work?
00:10:19.680 | - Yeah, well, the one that I used is called a Suica,
00:10:22.360 | S-U-I-C-A, a Suica card.
00:10:24.620 | They also have Passmo is another very popular one.
00:10:28.420 | And I just got mine hooked up through Apple Pay
00:10:32.220 | and through the Apple Wallet system.
00:10:34.420 | The only catch was I had to use a MasterCard for some reason.
00:10:38.780 | Visa doesn't work very well, at least US-based cards.
00:10:42.900 | Amex, US Amex also works, so that's what my sister had to use.
00:10:47.660 | Little tiny things like that, but it was very easy,
00:10:50.660 | and you just basically top up your card
00:10:52.840 | through Apple Wallet when your balance starts to run low.
00:10:57.020 | - This is an app on your phone, not a card card?
00:11:00.180 | - Well, it's basically like a mobile transit card.
00:11:03.340 | You can get a physical card as well
00:11:05.340 | if you go to the airport or a train station.
00:11:07.340 | - So it's like an app?
00:11:08.440 | - Essentially, yeah, it's like a digital card
00:11:13.580 | that you use through your Apple Wallet.
00:11:16.600 | - Got it, got it.
00:11:18.500 | Okay, so it sounds like the whole trip was a success.
00:11:21.740 | Very productive, do you feel less stressed
00:11:24.240 | now that you're home?
00:11:25.600 | - I do feel less stressed, and I'm just trying to,
00:11:28.400 | tether my mom, I don't know if that's the right word,
00:11:33.400 | but basically just remind her how much we did accomplish,
00:11:38.400 | and the rest will just be sorted out over time.
00:11:43.240 | - Got it, got it.
00:11:45.080 | Are there any things you learned about yourself
00:11:47.920 | that you didn't really realize from this trip?
00:11:51.440 | Because I have a lot of things to share about myself.
00:11:54.040 | - I didn't have any huge epiphanies.
00:11:57.740 | I mean, it was a nice reminder how easy it is
00:12:00.460 | to travel independently or without children.
00:12:03.980 | And I felt very safe traveling through the airports
00:12:08.460 | and the airplanes in terms of COVID.
00:12:10.820 | I didn't have any fears of getting sick,
00:12:14.140 | or everything felt like it was pre-pandemic,
00:12:17.780 | which was a nice experience to kind of have that
00:12:20.980 | out of the way.
00:12:22.900 | And yeah, traveling by myself was quite easy.
00:12:27.200 | - Yeah, I bet it was.
00:12:29.640 | You don't have to pack too much.
00:12:31.440 | - Exactly, I just had a backpack and a carry-on,
00:12:36.440 | that's all I had, it was very easy.
00:12:38.320 | - Yeah.
00:12:39.720 | Well, I wanted to share some of my perspective
00:12:41.740 | from you being away, because I was at home
00:12:44.560 | with two children, we had some help at night
00:12:48.680 | and in the morning sometimes.
00:12:51.200 | But I wanted to share some perspectives
00:12:53.180 | for those who kind of fear being alone,
00:12:56.960 | raising your children without a significant other there.
00:13:00.880 | Because you have, I don't think,
00:13:03.260 | except for the birth of our daughter,
00:13:04.800 | you haven't been away from any child,
00:13:08.600 | actually, since you were giving birth,
00:13:10.400 | you haven't been away from any child
00:13:11.560 | for six years and six and a half years.
00:13:14.400 | - Yeah, exactly.
00:13:15.680 | So they've been used to me being there all the time.
00:13:20.000 | So this was, we were both a little nervous
00:13:22.080 | about how they would react.
00:13:23.340 | Our son handled it super well.
00:13:25.680 | He has been like, bye mommy, see you later,
00:13:27.800 | I'm gonna go play.
00:13:28.700 | It was harder for our daughter, she's still very attached.
00:13:33.280 | But I think overall she handled it well.
00:13:35.880 | - She did, yeah, not bad.
00:13:38.640 | So I wanted to say that I was a little bit afraid,
00:13:42.620 | I guess, how things would go with just me.
00:13:45.980 | But I'm pleased to say that after five nights and six days,
00:13:49.520 | things went smoothly.
00:13:51.580 | And I think it went a little bit better than expected.
00:13:53.800 | And as a result, I have more confidence as a father
00:13:57.100 | to take care of the kids by myself
00:14:00.560 | and with some help when I need to.
00:14:03.160 | And so that was a real big plus,
00:14:04.560 | because you really don't know how well you can perform
00:14:07.760 | until you're faced with that situation.
00:14:10.960 | So face that fear, do it,
00:14:13.400 | and I think you'll gain a lot of confidence.
00:14:15.580 | The other thing I learned was that
00:14:17.160 | when there's no other option,
00:14:19.460 | the work actually gets easier.
00:14:21.520 | So when I say no other option,
00:14:23.340 | for example, let's say I pick up the kids after school
00:14:28.000 | and I play with them for an hour and I'm just tired.
00:14:31.440 | So the option is to say,
00:14:32.640 | hey, can you guys go play with mommy?
00:14:35.720 | And then they will.
00:14:37.460 | And I can just veg out on the phone
00:14:39.700 | or write a post or something.
00:14:42.700 | And I'm just chill.
00:14:44.020 | But when I have no other option,
00:14:45.400 | when there's nobody else to take care of them,
00:14:48.740 | I can't relax in the sense,
00:14:51.300 | but I also can't just slip off my responsibility as someone.
00:14:56.180 | I just have to do it.
00:14:57.020 | So when you know that you have to do it,
00:14:59.300 | you build this muscle where it gets easier
00:15:01.740 | and easier over time.
00:15:03.160 | So by the fourth night, fifth night,
00:15:05.220 | I was like rocking and rolling.
00:15:06.580 | I knew what to do.
00:15:08.060 | And I had the confidence and courage to do it.
00:15:10.620 | And so it just kept going.
00:15:13.260 | And this is a parallel to how the kids reacted
00:15:17.100 | while you were away.
00:15:18.700 | Because when they were gone,
00:15:20.660 | they were much less whiny, complained much less,
00:15:24.960 | and didn't cry as much as all.
00:15:26.500 | I think they only cried once when there was some small fight.
00:15:29.700 | - Right, when I was away, they were better behaved.
00:15:32.620 | - Right, exactly.
00:15:33.580 | They were better behaved.
00:15:35.300 | And the epiphany there is,
00:15:37.300 | I think they also realized the next day,
00:15:39.140 | mommy wasn't coming back until Saturday.
00:15:41.700 | And so when they had no other option,
00:15:45.060 | they said, well, you know what,
00:15:45.900 | there's no point in whining and complaining
00:15:48.260 | and fighting for love and intention.
00:15:50.420 | They just got to get on with it, right?
00:15:52.380 | And so this is really important, I think,
00:15:55.460 | as a lesson for all of us,
00:15:57.700 | trying to face challenges and hardships,
00:16:01.380 | that when you have no other option,
00:16:03.060 | it's just that one choice, actually embrace it.
00:16:06.500 | Because the only thing you can do is go forward.
00:16:09.520 | There's no distractions, you know?
00:16:11.180 | There's no 10 opportunity choices
00:16:13.980 | that's gonna cause you to think and wonder,
00:16:18.000 | should I do this or that?
00:16:19.180 | You just have to do one thing.
00:16:20.940 | And I think that's really relieving.
00:16:23.840 | Now, what do you think?
00:16:26.540 | - Yeah, I can see that.
00:16:28.100 | I had a prediction that with me away,
00:16:31.300 | they would be a lot better behaved,
00:16:33.620 | there wouldn't be so many fights and crying and screaming,
00:16:37.220 | and that I also predicted that the day I would get back,
00:16:41.860 | all hell would break loose,
00:16:43.500 | and the whole week's worth of pent up emotions
00:16:47.040 | in their little bodies would just kinda let loose
00:16:49.300 | and explode, and that is actually what happened,
00:16:51.940 | which is pretty funny.
00:16:53.700 | I remember texting you. - With our daughter, right?
00:16:55.700 | - I remember texting you, the screaming has started,
00:16:58.040 | like when they were with me,
00:16:59.100 | they just started attacking each other.
00:17:01.260 | But again, this doesn't happen all the time.
00:17:03.620 | Things were much better the second day that I was back.
00:17:08.180 | But yeah, they tend to be very emotional with me,
00:17:12.500 | and less so with you.
00:17:15.500 | But it all works out, it all works out.
00:17:17.460 | - Right.
00:17:18.300 | (laughing)
00:17:19.140 | And here's another epiphany for creators,
00:17:21.700 | and actually for all spouses or people in relationships.
00:17:25.980 | And so every time I write a post,
00:17:28.060 | it takes hour and a half, two and a half hours to write,
00:17:31.140 | and after I'm done, I feel very proud.
00:17:34.020 | And especially after I press publish,
00:17:35.620 | I'm excited to see what the community
00:17:38.680 | will think about the post,
00:17:39.700 | whether they'll comment or share or get upset
00:17:42.460 | or be really laudatory.
00:17:44.860 | It's just the way it is as a writer.
00:17:46.960 | As a writer, you just wanna be read,
00:17:48.460 | and as, let's say, a podcaster, you wanna be heard,
00:17:51.420 | and as a videographer, you wanna be seen.
00:17:54.240 | And so I know that every time I write a post,
00:17:58.920 | I text you and I say, oh, I finished this great post
00:18:01.720 | on this great topic that came to me.
00:18:03.520 | And the reason why I do that is because you're my rock,
00:18:07.020 | and you're my cheerleader and support system,
00:18:10.140 | and I depend on you for support.
00:18:13.380 | Because when you're putting yourself out there, folks,
00:18:15.880 | sometimes you can get attacked, right?
00:18:17.900 | And the more opinionated you are,
00:18:19.900 | the more you're gonna get attacked.
00:18:21.460 | And so this is one of the reasons why
00:18:23.140 | you see a lot of vanilla content out there,
00:18:25.060 | because people get tired of getting attacked all the time,
00:18:27.820 | even though their intentions are good,
00:18:29.600 | even though they come up with some reasonable explanations
00:18:32.720 | for why they think the way they do.
00:18:35.320 | And so when you were gone,
00:18:37.020 | I just didn't seek fulfillment,
00:18:42.520 | not fulfillment, approval anymore,
00:18:44.240 | because during the day here in San Francisco
00:18:46.360 | was nighttime in Tokyo, and vice versa.
00:18:48.720 | And so I just sucked it up.
00:18:50.440 | I said, well, nobody's here to praise me or anything,
00:18:53.200 | or support me, I'm just gonna keep my head down
00:18:56.300 | and go, go, go.
00:18:57.600 | And what I realized also is that it is kind of a burden.
00:19:01.900 | It's a heavy responsibility for any couple,
00:19:06.620 | any person in a relationship,
00:19:08.640 | to provide constant support,
00:19:11.100 | and you can do it, and encouragement.
00:19:13.680 | You know, I think some of us
00:19:14.600 | have higher self-esteems than others.
00:19:17.120 | Some of us want more encouragement than others.
00:19:19.200 | And I didn't realize how much
00:19:21.680 | I had relied on you for support.
00:19:24.420 | So first of all, I really appreciate that.
00:19:27.360 | After all these years.
00:19:29.200 | And second of all, I think I need to look inward more
00:19:32.560 | and actually be more quiet,
00:19:34.640 | and just write because I wanna write,
00:19:38.240 | and actually not bother you so much,
00:19:40.400 | because you're always busy doing other things.
00:19:44.200 | - Well, what I will add is that
00:19:46.920 | I'm not that great over text,
00:19:49.080 | and I'm even worse over email.
00:19:51.540 | And a lot of times we're on opposite schedules, right?
00:19:54.300 | When you're working, and writing, and doing things.
00:19:59.300 | I am with the kids,
00:20:01.340 | and so you tend to send these messages over text,
00:20:06.340 | and while they're coming in,
00:20:09.380 | I'm like, you know, in the bathroom,
00:20:11.900 | helping the kids go potty, or making their food.
00:20:14.860 | My mind is very frazzled and distracted,
00:20:17.820 | and I'm not as good as I could be
00:20:21.660 | in terms of pausing what I'm doing,
00:20:24.620 | and looking at those messages,
00:20:25.760 | and acknowledging and appreciating
00:20:28.740 | everything that you're doing
00:20:30.780 | on the other side of the house
00:20:32.260 | while I'm doing these things.
00:20:33.920 | So I think, I just thought of this right now,
00:20:36.420 | I'm much better in person,
00:20:39.100 | so we just need to do more of these conversations
00:20:41.220 | and catch-ups when we're together in person,
00:20:45.140 | and the kids aren't distracting.
00:20:47.580 | 'Cause my mind, you know me,
00:20:51.060 | my mind gets very frazzled very easily,
00:20:53.340 | and I get distracted and lose track of things easily.
00:20:57.860 | - It's called the mental load.
00:21:00.020 | There's like this great comic strip
00:21:02.220 | about this mother doing so much work,
00:21:06.160 | and maybe the husband said,
00:21:08.100 | can you just do this and that?
00:21:09.760 | And it was just like these little things,
00:21:11.300 | they sound little, but when you add them up,
00:21:13.620 | the mental load gets huge,
00:21:15.860 | and it can overflow and become super burdensome.
00:21:19.700 | But yeah, communication is so important in any relationship.
00:21:24.380 | I was watching something online,
00:21:28.780 | and it was talking about how unsaid expectations
00:21:33.240 | are what crush relationships.
00:21:35.260 | So again, unspoken expectations.
00:21:38.780 | So first of all, if you expect the world
00:21:40.860 | of your partner or someone,
00:21:42.820 | that is really dangerous,
00:21:44.020 | because if you expect 99% performance,
00:21:46.740 | and they give you 98% performance,
00:21:48.980 | you will be disappointed in their performance, right?
00:21:52.280 | So expectations is one thing,
00:21:55.140 | you gotta manage your expectations
00:21:56.700 | of what you can expect in terms of support, love,
00:22:00.220 | attention, all that stuff from your partner.
00:22:02.860 | And at the same time, you need to speak your expectations,
00:22:07.060 | and you can't expect your significant other
00:22:09.820 | to read your mind.
00:22:11.060 | So-- - Yeah.
00:22:12.940 | I think the more we have,
00:22:16.860 | more in terms of us and other couples
00:22:19.340 | have in-person communication, the better.
00:22:22.100 | We all forget how reliant we are on our phones.
00:22:25.780 | And communicating over a text message and emails,
00:22:29.780 | it's just really not the same.
00:22:31.340 | So much can get lost in the shuffle.
00:22:36.300 | Even just text messages.
00:22:38.580 | That's why I do like how Apple added the reply feature
00:22:43.460 | to their iMessage.
00:22:45.220 | 'Cause sometimes you get,
00:22:46.600 | well you might get 10 text messages from somebody,
00:22:50.100 | and there might be three questions thrown in there.
00:22:52.660 | And if you're trying to reply,
00:22:54.460 | you might forget what you're responding to
00:22:56.660 | for something earlier.
00:22:57.600 | So you can click on, let's say,
00:22:59.620 | the first question in a chain of 10,
00:23:02.500 | and you can reply to that specific message
00:23:05.980 | so that the recipient knows what you're talking about.
00:23:09.580 | It's just a little tiny thing. - Got it.
00:23:10.620 | Oh, okay. - But in terms of--
00:23:11.780 | - Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:23:12.900 | Reply to a specific message, yes, yes.
00:23:15.180 | - Right, right, right.
00:23:16.000 | 'Cause so much gets lost in the shuffle.
00:23:17.780 | We're all so busy doing so many things at once.
00:23:20.540 | And digital communication is super convenient,
00:23:24.620 | but it's also not as great
00:23:28.380 | as in-person communication a lot of times.
00:23:30.460 | Or video, you know?
00:23:32.060 | - And this is another point.
00:23:34.740 | If you do, your example is 10 text messages.
00:23:37.500 | So the chances are higher that the other person's
00:23:40.260 | gonna miss one or two points.
00:23:42.100 | And it's the same thing with crafting an argument.
00:23:44.940 | Let's say if you have 10 reasons why,
00:23:47.120 | it kinda dilutes the reasoning
00:23:50.120 | versus if you had three reasons why
00:23:52.280 | you should do this, this, or that.
00:23:53.900 | So that's something to work on.
00:23:55.120 | And communication is something that I've been trying
00:23:57.160 | to work on as much as possible.
00:23:58.640 | It was my favorite class in business school,
00:24:01.040 | communications class.
00:24:02.760 | And as a writer, and now as a regular podcaster,
00:24:06.680 | I'm trying to speak more clearly,
00:24:09.160 | deliver more clear, concise prose
00:24:12.800 | so that people can understand better
00:24:14.680 | because if I'm talking over people, then I'm failing.
00:24:17.920 | So I thought, in conclusion,
00:24:20.920 | this was a great conversation to catch up
00:24:22.520 | and I'm glad you're back.
00:24:23.880 | It seems like it went really quickly.
00:24:26.380 | What do you think?
00:24:27.220 | - On my side, it did because of the time change
00:24:29.680 | getting there, right?
00:24:30.520 | I basically lost a day, lost two days almost
00:24:34.880 | because I left here midday Monday.
00:24:37.840 | It didn't really get settled until Tuesday evening.
00:24:40.560 | So, and then, yeah.
00:24:41.920 | And then I was leaving already Saturday morning.
00:24:44.140 | So it went fast.
00:24:45.800 | - Oh, this is one other thing,
00:24:47.440 | another realization of you being gone.
00:24:49.720 | 'Cause we're seldom not apart
00:24:53.000 | because you're at home, I'm at home, we don't travel.
00:24:56.840 | We're always together.
00:24:58.080 | - We work from home too.
00:24:59.760 | - So yeah, the biggest, the other cool realization,
00:25:03.260 | so I've been a very focused and serious
00:25:05.480 | stay-at-home father since 2017, since our son was born.
00:25:09.160 | But man, it has been tough being second fiddle since 2017.
00:25:14.340 | For, I would say, at least three and a half years,
00:25:16.780 | I was second fiddle to our son.
00:25:19.280 | He always would run to you or want you.
00:25:22.020 | And same thing with our daughter.
00:25:24.540 | I've been, you know, just kinda like chopped liver
00:25:30.060 | many times and I've written about that.
00:25:32.340 | And so, one of the positives of you being away
00:25:36.440 | was that finally, ah, it was me.
00:25:39.260 | I was number one.
00:25:41.700 | - You got all the love.
00:25:42.900 | - I got all the love.
00:25:44.120 | They ran to me, they gave me the hugs,
00:25:46.100 | they gave me the kisses, they said, "I love you, Daddy."
00:25:48.220 | So that was an amazing, amazing feeling.
00:25:51.780 | - Yeah, yeah, it's hard.
00:25:54.020 | Kids can be so loving and they can also be so cruel
00:25:57.540 | at the same time, you know?
00:25:59.180 | There've been a few occasions when they've rejected me,
00:26:03.100 | but definitely not that many.
00:26:05.380 | And I know it's been hard on you so many times
00:26:09.460 | when all you wanna do is play with them
00:26:11.140 | and they're like, "No, I wanna do this with Mommy instead."
00:26:15.740 | It's hard to hear that.
00:26:17.660 | - It is hard to hear that.
00:26:18.740 | And this is one of the reasons why, folks,
00:26:20.820 | that I wanna go back to work once our daughter
00:26:24.700 | is in school full-time in the fall of 2023.
00:26:27.580 | Because then, once that happens,
00:26:29.520 | I've got eight hours of free time, right?
00:26:32.860 | And I can't play pickleball and tennis all day.
00:26:36.420 | I wanna fulfill my time.
00:26:37.460 | Yes, I can spend time writing a book,
00:26:39.580 | recording podcasts, FS,
00:26:41.940 | but I do miss that camaraderie with other people.
00:26:45.060 | I do miss having a nice, steady paycheck.
00:26:47.660 | It'd be nice to have healthcare benefits.
00:26:49.140 | It seems like a more efficient path.
00:26:51.060 | So many times over the past six and a half years,
00:26:55.380 | I've thought about going back to work
00:26:57.160 | because it was hard being the second fiddle
00:26:59.620 | stay-at-home parent.
00:27:00.820 | It really is hard.
00:27:01.740 | So for mothers out there who have fathers
00:27:05.780 | who wanna be stay-at-home parents, who are trying,
00:27:08.700 | we're trying.
00:27:10.100 | And a lot of times, the return,
00:27:12.100 | the quote, "return on an effort,"
00:27:14.180 | isn't there because of the innocent
00:27:16.300 | and honest rebuffs of our children.
00:27:20.060 | And so, I've got to this point,
00:27:23.260 | and we'll see whether I get that job or figure it out.
00:27:27.340 | I mean, what are your thoughts on that?
00:27:28.940 | - I mean, I know you very well,
00:27:32.700 | and I think, while it might sound great,
00:27:37.400 | I think the reality of it might not be
00:27:39.980 | as wonderful as you might be imagining.
00:27:44.100 | And I think you work a lot more
00:27:46.420 | than you give yourself credit for.
00:27:48.180 | You work very, very hard.
00:27:51.520 | And for those readers out there
00:27:53.400 | who have never written a blog before or run a website,
00:27:58.300 | it takes a lot of time.
00:27:59.980 | Sam works so hard, you guys.
00:28:02.460 | It takes a lot to run a website.
00:28:06.680 | And we're all very, very appreciative
00:28:09.640 | of everything that you do.
00:28:11.200 | So you definitely need to give yourself more credit.
00:28:15.240 | And don't forget how much it used to annoy you
00:28:19.200 | at your old job when you had to go
00:28:21.120 | to all of those meetings about meetings.
00:28:24.360 | - Oh, but I-- - Meetings about meetings.
00:28:26.120 | - But I feel like I could be a meeting sit-downer expert.
00:28:29.520 | Just go in there, pretend you're listening,
00:28:32.720 | and then nod your head, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.
00:28:34.680 | And then-- - Yeah.
00:28:35.840 | - And then like-- - Maybe you'd--
00:28:36.760 | - That's it. - Maybe you'd have fun
00:28:38.240 | with that for like a month, and then you'd be like,
00:28:40.060 | why am I here wasting my time?
00:28:41.640 | I wanna be doing this.
00:28:42.760 | I could be so much more efficient and, yeah.
00:28:46.120 | - I don't know. - Maybe.
00:28:47.240 | - Maybe, maybe not.
00:28:48.280 | I've been inspired by many of the techies that I've met
00:28:51.220 | during the middle of the weekdays playing pickleball.
00:28:53.840 | - Right.
00:28:54.720 | - They're making good money, and they're having fun.
00:28:57.160 | And I'm like, how many hours a week do you guys work?
00:28:59.760 | It's like, yeah, like 20 to 25, 30.
00:29:02.320 | And they make multiple six figures.
00:29:04.040 | And I'm like, wow, that sounds pretty good to me,
00:29:07.360 | but unfortunately I have no technical skills.
00:29:09.840 | So, that will be tough.
00:29:14.240 | But it always seems, you know,
00:29:15.640 | grass is always greener on the other side.
00:29:17.240 | - Grass is always greener.
00:29:19.760 | - Alrighty, folks, well, that's our latest catch-up.
00:29:22.840 | Sydney and me, I hope you liked it.
00:29:25.720 | If you enjoyed this podcast, we'd love a share, a review.
00:29:30.480 | It helps keep us going.
00:29:32.480 | A lot more episodes in the future.
00:29:34.200 | Also, just on the audio stuff in the future,
00:29:38.700 | I'm doing my best to figure out
00:29:40.180 | how to get the best audio quality possible.
00:29:42.340 | Sometimes it's not possible because of the technical setups
00:29:45.520 | or the Wi-Fi of the guests on the other side.
00:29:47.420 | Hopefully this audio setup right now
00:29:49.600 | with this interview is really good
00:29:50.640 | because we're in the same house with the same Wi-Fi system.
00:29:53.600 | So just bear with me, folks.
00:29:55.240 | Hopefully the content is what matters most.
00:29:57.740 | I'm just a one-man band sourcing the interviewees.
00:30:02.640 | Recording, doing the show notes,
00:30:05.200 | doing a little bit of editing, not really,
00:30:07.960 | and putting it all together.
00:30:09.960 | So keep in touch, folks.
00:30:11.200 | Please subscribe to the Financial Samurai newsletter
00:30:13.360 | at financialsamurai.com/news,
00:30:16.560 | and we will hear from you on the next episode.
00:30:20.000 | Take care. - Bye, everybody.
00:30:21.440 | (silence)
00:30:23.600 | (silence)
00:30:25.760 | .