How to Build Confidence in Your Kids | Dr. Becky Kennedy & Dr. Andrew Huberman
00:00:00.000 | - But you say, "Hey, we're going over so-and-so's house."
00:00:04.260 | And they say, "You know, I don't like their kids."
00:00:07.220 | And you go, "Well, listen,
00:00:08.060 | "you gotta learn to play with other kids."
00:00:09.100 | And you go, "No, I don't like their kids."
00:00:10.360 | And you say, "Did something happen?"
00:00:11.740 | And so we're not talking about a dangerous situation.
00:00:13.700 | Really like, "No, I don't like them.
00:00:15.240 | "I just really wanna just stay home."
00:00:17.140 | - Yeah, this is a great-
00:00:19.000 | - So are we gonna impinge on their,
00:00:20.940 | I mean, 'cause we're teaching them,
00:00:22.420 | either way, we're teaching them something.
00:00:24.260 | You gotta do stuff you don't wanna do,
00:00:26.060 | even if you don't like it.
00:00:27.380 | And we're here again, we're ruling out the possibility
00:00:29.220 | that there's something unsafe about the environment,
00:00:31.460 | psychologically or physically unsafe.
00:00:33.920 | Or, but at the same time, we're teaching them,
00:00:36.660 | "Hey, I see you, I hear you,
00:00:39.200 | "but your desires might not be right."
00:00:42.940 | There's actually a tacit message of the way you feel
00:00:47.700 | might not be the best gauge of what's best for you,
00:00:49.660 | which sends a complicated message to a kid.
00:00:52.020 | - Totally.
00:00:52.860 | So this is, again, where I think at Good Inside,
00:00:54.940 | family jobs are so useful.
00:00:56.660 | Family jobs, to me, when I used to meet with parents,
00:00:59.340 | and they'd describe a situation,
00:01:00.780 | I feel like 90% of the time, that's where I'd start.
00:01:03.180 | Because then that flows from there.
00:01:04.260 | It's like a framework.
00:01:05.100 | So wait, what is my job?
00:01:06.740 | I'm the one who sets boundaries.
00:01:08.100 | I am the one who makes key family decisions.
00:01:10.420 | Obviously, as our kids get older,
00:01:11.700 | they should be making some decisions, too.
00:01:13.340 | No one likes to feel controlled.
00:01:14.460 | But key decisions, and my job,
00:01:17.080 | is to validate my kids' experience.
00:01:19.400 | This is actually complicated, because again,
00:01:21.340 | over and over, we think that validating my kids' experience
00:01:25.200 | means they're gonna dictate a decision.
00:01:27.140 | My boundaries don't dictate my kids' feelings,
00:01:30.420 | and my kids' feelings should not dictate my boundaries.
00:01:33.860 | They're just two equal things.
00:01:35.020 | So this is a great example.
00:01:36.020 | My kids are like, you know I don't like
00:01:37.340 | playing with those kids, and can I just stay home?
00:01:39.940 | Let's just say grandma was home.
00:01:41.420 | Can I just stay home?
00:01:42.500 | I'm like, I just think it's important to go as a family,
00:01:44.420 | but my kid doesn't wanna go.
00:01:45.740 | There's nothing dangerous.
00:01:46.620 | Okay, to me, this is that exact way
00:01:48.780 | of putting family jobs into action, sweetie.
00:01:51.460 | And to me, this phrase, I wish every parent
00:01:53.740 | could say this to their kid, I believe you.
00:01:56.620 | If you wanna make a kid feel real and confident for life,
00:02:00.660 | confidence comes from the experience of being believed,
00:02:02.540 | 'cause that's how you, for me, confidence is self-trust.
00:02:05.140 | It's not feeling good about yourself, it's self-trust.
00:02:07.980 | I really do know the way I feel.
00:02:10.820 | So let's say I say to my son in that situation,
00:02:13.140 | it's, I believe you.
00:02:14.260 | I'd start with, I believe you.
00:02:15.460 | Look, I know you wanna play football all day,
00:02:19.020 | and the kid around your age hates football.
00:02:20.940 | Like that would probably be lowest on your list
00:02:24.220 | of types of kids you'd wanna hang out with
00:02:26.340 | for the afternoon.
00:02:27.160 | I totally believe you.
00:02:28.760 | And in this family, we know that sometimes
00:02:35.020 | we have to do things we don't love to do.
00:02:37.060 | We do that for a family experience.
00:02:38.920 | I say this to my kid all the time.
00:02:41.100 | You know, also just to end up being a good adult,
00:02:43.780 | you just have to end up practicing as a kid,
00:02:45.900 | doing things you don't wanna do,
00:02:47.180 | things that are boring, things that aren't your preference.
00:02:49.180 | So, you know, you notch in your belt for that.
00:02:51.420 | So you don't have to thank me.
00:02:53.380 | And also, I know you have it in you
00:02:56.020 | to do your best, to be polite and engaged.
00:02:58.460 | Like I just, I know you're a good kid
00:03:00.380 | and this isn't what you want,
00:03:01.540 | and I know we're gonna get through it.
00:03:03.120 | Now, if it's really hard, maybe young,
00:03:04.300 | hey, let's create a sign.
00:03:05.900 | Like, can you look at me and go,
00:03:07.500 | when you feel like you're kind of at this,
00:03:10.720 | and then me and you, we're gonna go to the bathroom,
00:03:12.580 | I'm gonna give you a hug and, right?
00:03:14.220 | I'm gonna say, I know this isn't what you want.
00:03:16.100 | And when we get home, we could watch that football game,
00:03:18.140 | whatever it was, right?
00:03:20.060 | Because what we often do
00:03:21.180 | is we leave ourselves with two choices with kids.
00:03:23.340 | We either say, fine, stay home.
00:03:25.580 | Their feelings actually just dictated the decision.
00:03:28.620 | That's not helpful for them.
00:03:30.160 | I don't want my kid to learn in life.
00:03:32.100 | When I don't wanna do something,
00:03:33.580 | people twist and turn to make that thing not happen.
00:03:35.660 | Like that's disturbing for adulthood expectations.
00:03:38.380 | But then we do the other thing,
00:03:39.460 | which is like, you are so selfish.
00:03:41.340 | Just because you don't have a friend your age
00:03:44.100 | doesn't mean that you can't come with us.
00:03:46.700 | So we either let their feelings dictate,
00:03:50.620 | or we think our boundaries kind of give us the right
00:03:53.380 | to be mad at our kid, right?
00:03:55.260 | Like to do both is so important.
00:03:58.860 | And so that's where I think to me when I hear impingement,
00:04:01.180 | like, I actually think that is the exact space
00:04:04.260 | where you have the most bang for your buck as a parent.
00:04:06.180 | Like, it's not enjoyable.
00:04:07.500 | And again, if I have my beautiful intervention with my son,
00:04:10.000 | do not think my kid will look at me and say,
00:04:12.180 | I love how you explained that.
00:04:13.380 | That was so beautiful.
00:04:14.380 | No, he's gonna roll his eyes.
00:04:16.040 | My job is not to take the bait, 'cause I'm an adult,
00:04:19.280 | and to also hold hope.
00:04:21.940 | I think that's really important.
00:04:23.060 | This concept of I'm validating my kid's feelings
00:04:26.020 | where they are today,
00:04:27.420 | but I need to be the one to hold hope
00:04:30.380 | that they can cope with it.
00:04:31.880 | If I can't name to my kid,
00:04:32.860 | I know you're gonna get through it.
00:04:34.540 | They're not gonna be able to see that kind of next,
00:04:36.940 | more mature version of themselves.
00:04:39.180 | And I actually think it's the same as your best boss.
00:04:41.540 | You know, it's like,
00:04:42.500 | I know you don't wanna go on this trip.
00:04:43.940 | I don't know, whatever it is.
00:04:44.780 | I know this presentation topic
00:04:46.560 | isn't the one you would have chosen.
00:04:48.160 | And there were 10 things, and this was literally number 10.
00:04:50.720 | I totally get that, and it stinks,
00:04:52.600 | and I'm not taking anything away from that.
00:04:54.600 | And this is the thing I need you to do.
00:04:58.640 | And I know something about you.
00:05:00.200 | Like, when you put your mind to something,
00:05:02.120 | you always do a great job.
00:05:03.560 | And like, it's probably not gonna be enjoyable,
00:05:05.520 | but I do know you're gonna do a great job on this.
00:05:07.840 | Like, that's like the boss you want.
00:05:10.200 | - Amazing.
00:05:11.040 | Are you adopting children, by the way?
00:05:13.580 | - I actually, I finished college.
00:05:16.260 | I actually, I ride with them.
00:05:17.100 | - You I consider, Andrew, you, adult children.
00:05:20.000 | - What I'm hearing is don't dictate their behavior with,
00:05:25.900 | and I'm gonna underline in bold, dictate.
00:05:28.060 | Don't dictate their behavior.
00:05:29.420 | You're going to do this because I said so.
00:05:32.140 | That's dictatorship.
00:05:34.140 | But at the same time,
00:05:35.500 | don't quash the emotion behind the resistance.
00:05:38.780 | Kind of acknowledge it, make them feel real.
00:05:41.980 | I believe you.
00:05:44.000 | I love this phrase, amazing.
00:05:45.800 | And I love your definition of confidence.
00:05:48.160 | If people didn't hear that,
00:05:49.160 | we're definitely gonna repeat it again.
00:05:50.520 | And we're gonna etch it into your neural circuitry
00:05:53.640 | 'cause I love that.
00:05:55.160 | It's a self-trust.
00:05:57.320 | - Yes.
00:05:58.980 | - And this notion of giving hope.
00:06:01.480 | You're giving them an incentive
00:06:04.240 | that's based on a reward that's actually good for them,
00:06:07.400 | that they can translate to other situations as well.
00:06:10.140 | Wow.
00:06:12.380 | So much there. - Can I double-click
00:06:14.240 | on reward? - Please.
00:06:15.080 | - Because you know what it made me think?
00:06:15.900 | I didn't think until you said that.
00:06:17.120 | I think in a situation where you'd be tempted to say,
00:06:19.740 | and if you go and you're polite,
00:06:22.140 | I'll give you 20 extra minutes of Roblox, right?
00:06:25.340 | First of all, let me just say something.
00:06:29.780 | Whatever I say to you, for listeners,
00:06:31.580 | it's not like I do this stuff
00:06:32.500 | all the time with my actual kids.
00:06:33.820 | I'm the first one sometimes to be like,
00:06:35.140 | here's your thing I have to dangle.
00:06:36.500 | - We'll provide a little section in the comment section
00:06:38.500 | on YouTube where your kids can,
00:06:39.580 | no, I'm just kidding. - Yeah, exactly.
00:06:40.700 | - Your kids are forbidden.
00:06:41.580 | No, wait, that's, wait, that's dictating.
00:06:44.100 | We understand why you,
00:06:45.380 | I believe that you would want to comment,
00:06:47.980 | but we're going to trust,
00:06:49.280 | we're going to let you know why it's,
00:06:50.740 | it's good for you if you don't.
00:06:51.700 | Anyway, I'll practice this on someone else's kids.
00:06:53.660 | - But the reward, like the reward,
00:06:55.420 | when your kid ends up seeing themself
00:06:59.640 | capable of doing something
00:07:01.540 | they didn't previously think they could do,
00:07:03.980 | you know better than me,
00:07:05.820 | like I feel like that is like one of the best rewards,
00:07:08.980 | even if it's getting through a social situation.
00:07:11.580 | Or I think about this a lot with, you know,
00:07:13.260 | my little kid is, I don't know,
00:07:15.440 | like struggling with a puzzle or something,
00:07:17.460 | and I could just do it for them.
00:07:19.100 | Or if I help them kind of regulate,
00:07:21.300 | oh, this is a hard puzzle,
00:07:23.220 | and you can take a break,
00:07:24.300 | I just know you're going to figure it out today.
00:07:27.380 | I just know it.
00:07:28.860 | And then because of that, they get there.
00:07:32.220 | That feels in your body,
00:07:33.700 | like that is the best kind of reward.
00:07:35.580 | And it's the type of reward
00:07:37.740 | that works for kids in adulthood.
00:07:39.500 | When they're in a job,
00:07:40.500 | we want them to be motivated
00:07:42.160 | by the feeling they're going to have of pride,
00:07:44.820 | not be saying, hey, I finished my thing early,
00:07:47.020 | do I get a bonus to their boss?
00:07:48.500 | Like that's not going to play out as well.
00:07:50.880 | - I love it.
00:07:51.720 | I'm just pausing and shaking my head
00:07:55.020 | only because I love it so much.
00:07:56.940 | And I just want to make sure
00:07:57.820 | that I don't quickly move to the next question
00:07:59.680 | without drilling down even deeper
00:08:01.380 | into some of these concepts.
00:08:04.500 | I believe you as the feedback or response
00:08:08.860 | that can instill real confidence over time.
00:08:11.660 | Not to get too nuanced here,
00:08:15.200 | but how is it different?
00:08:17.640 | Because I sense it is different than I hear you.
00:08:21.100 | I hear you, but you're going to do this anyway.
00:08:24.860 | Or I hear you, but listen in this family,
00:08:27.500 | I believe you, the word believe is powerful.
00:08:32.060 | And I believe there's real power in specific words,
00:08:34.200 | as is, you know, like for instance, sturdiness,
00:08:36.340 | again, such a powerful and underused word.
00:08:39.620 | I believe you.
00:08:40.520 | You're a psychologist.
00:08:43.740 | What do you think we're hearing
00:08:45.920 | when somebody says, I believe you,
00:08:47.700 | that's different than I hear you?
00:08:49.980 | - I haven't listed these out,
00:08:50.940 | but I think we all have these like core needs as humans.
00:08:53.940 | And I think being believed is one of them
00:08:56.300 | because it's someone else kind of saying, you're real.
00:09:02.180 | That's what, I might not feel what you're feeling,
00:09:05.400 | but that thing that feels strong to you
00:09:08.360 | that nobody can see or measure is real.
00:09:12.900 | And when I think about the most confident people,
00:09:17.920 | like I think about this girl who I went to Duke with
00:09:21.000 | and she was just brilliant, like so smart.
00:09:23.160 | And we were in this seminar.
00:09:24.720 | It was one of these small classes
00:09:25.720 | where this professor was like talking about stuff.
00:09:28.160 | And like, I, for once, I was like,
00:09:29.160 | I have no idea what this person's talking about.
00:09:30.600 | But like, I was like, no one else was stopping.
00:09:33.020 | And this girl raised her hand and she said,
00:09:34.900 | I'm sorry if everyone else is annoying.
00:09:36.300 | Like, I have no idea what you're talking about.
00:09:39.380 | Like, is there any, 'cause I usually do.
00:09:40.940 | And like, is there any way
00:09:41.940 | you could say that in a different way?
00:09:44.460 | That is like, to me, the utmost version of confidence
00:09:48.340 | that she believed her own experience of confusion
00:09:51.980 | was real confusion.
00:09:54.020 | She didn't think it was a sign she was stupid.
00:09:56.020 | She believed it.
00:09:57.460 | She believed herself.
00:09:58.740 | That is so confident.
00:10:01.300 | And I think when someone says, I hear you,
00:10:04.300 | it's like a version of listening.
00:10:07.860 | There's many worse phrases.
00:10:08.900 | No damage is done.
00:10:10.660 | When we follow anything but but, we tend to invalidate.
00:10:13.060 | So that's not good anyway.
00:10:13.980 | I believe you but is also not gonna.
00:10:15.900 | But there's a million examples of this to me
00:10:18.380 | that build confidence.
00:10:19.820 | And I actually think there's so many situations with kids
00:10:23.380 | where they say situations and we worry,
00:10:25.220 | oh, they have low confidence.
00:10:26.660 | And then we intervene to quote, make them feel better,
00:10:29.940 | which actually is the thing that lowers their confidence.
00:10:32.180 | 'Cause it's like, we say to them, I don't believe you.
00:10:34.820 | You're not really feeling the way you feel.
00:10:36.900 | Where I believe you is the exact opposite.
00:10:39.340 | So like, I like to give examples
00:10:41.300 | 'cause it makes it concrete.
00:10:42.300 | Like my kid will come home and say,
00:10:44.060 | I don't know.
00:10:48.020 | I was picked last for dodge ball today.
00:10:52.140 | I was picked last and something.
00:10:53.420 | And they're clearly very, very sad, right?
00:10:56.620 | And we wanna say to them, like, it's no big deal
00:10:59.540 | or everyone's picked last sometimes.
00:11:01.340 | Or, but remember yesterday you told me
00:11:03.260 | you were picked first for basketball.
00:11:04.940 | And we think like, I need to build up my kid's confidence.
00:11:08.820 | Those are confidence, I don't wanna say destroying,
00:11:12.100 | that's just reducing interventions.
00:11:14.460 | 'Cause a kid is kind of coming to a parent basically saying,
00:11:17.500 | I'm very, very upset that I was picked last.
00:11:20.780 | And we're saying to a kid, no, you weren't.
00:11:23.740 | And they're like, but I am.
00:11:25.380 | And what they learn is,
00:11:27.180 | and this is really terrifying to me,
00:11:29.300 | is other people are better feelers of my feelings than I am.
00:11:34.300 | And that's like a million really scary interpersonal,
00:11:39.620 | I think, relationship, you know,
00:11:41.700 | kind of consequences later down in life.
00:11:44.620 | But when a kid says, you know, I was picked last
00:11:46.900 | and nobody even wants me
00:11:48.060 | and they all think I'm the worst athlete,
00:11:49.620 | whatever kids say, to sit and say some version of like,
00:11:53.620 | I'm so glad we're talking about this.
00:11:55.500 | And I could tell that was a really hard gym class
00:11:57.420 | and sweetie, like, I believe you.
00:12:01.820 | You will watch your kid,
00:12:04.300 | it is crazy to me what parents tell me happen
00:12:07.380 | when they say those words to their kids.
00:12:08.780 | They're like, it also just like literally
00:12:11.220 | diffused everything and they were like ready to move on.
00:12:13.540 | Like they are just trying to tell you probably
00:12:16.220 | like I was feeling something, it was a lot,
00:12:18.660 | it was confusing, right?
00:12:20.420 | Our feelings were always hardest when we're alone in them.
00:12:22.260 | So I was alone in it and I bring it to you
00:12:23.740 | when someone says, I believe you.
00:12:25.620 | Not only are they giving you that core need,
00:12:28.980 | they're also just like,
00:12:30.060 | they're like sitting down with you in it.
00:12:32.060 | And that's, that makes everything better.
00:12:33.820 | And then meanwhile, what a kid feels like
00:12:35.780 | when we say, I believe you,
00:12:36.820 | to a hard experience or hard feeling is,
00:12:38.980 | they're like the feelings that overwhelm me
00:12:41.620 | don't overwhelm my parents.
00:12:43.460 | They can tolerate it.
00:12:44.340 | They're not scared of me kind of being a loser
00:12:46.620 | in gym class one day.
00:12:48.220 | And if my parent likes me when I have that feeling,
00:12:52.700 | oh my God, I can start to like myself
00:12:54.740 | when I have that feeling.
00:12:56.060 | - Thank you for tuning in
00:12:56.940 | to the Huberman Lab Clips channel.
00:12:58.740 | If you enjoyed the clip that you just viewed,
00:13:00.860 | please check out the full length episode by clicking here.
00:13:03.900 | [BLANK_AUDIO]