- But you say, "Hey, we're going over so-and-so's house." And they say, "You know, I don't like their kids." And you go, "Well, listen, "you gotta learn to play with other kids." And you go, "No, I don't like their kids." And you say, "Did something happen?" And so we're not talking about a dangerous situation.

Really like, "No, I don't like them. "I just really wanna just stay home." - Yeah, this is a great- - So are we gonna impinge on their, I mean, 'cause we're teaching them, either way, we're teaching them something. You gotta do stuff you don't wanna do, even if you don't like it.

And we're here again, we're ruling out the possibility that there's something unsafe about the environment, psychologically or physically unsafe. Or, but at the same time, we're teaching them, "Hey, I see you, I hear you, "but your desires might not be right." There's actually a tacit message of the way you feel might not be the best gauge of what's best for you, which sends a complicated message to a kid.

- Totally. So this is, again, where I think at Good Inside, family jobs are so useful. Family jobs, to me, when I used to meet with parents, and they'd describe a situation, I feel like 90% of the time, that's where I'd start. Because then that flows from there. It's like a framework.

So wait, what is my job? I'm the one who sets boundaries. I am the one who makes key family decisions. Obviously, as our kids get older, they should be making some decisions, too. No one likes to feel controlled. But key decisions, and my job, is to validate my kids' experience.

This is actually complicated, because again, over and over, we think that validating my kids' experience means they're gonna dictate a decision. My boundaries don't dictate my kids' feelings, and my kids' feelings should not dictate my boundaries. They're just two equal things. So this is a great example. My kids are like, you know I don't like playing with those kids, and can I just stay home?

Let's just say grandma was home. Can I just stay home? I'm like, I just think it's important to go as a family, but my kid doesn't wanna go. There's nothing dangerous. Okay, to me, this is that exact way of putting family jobs into action, sweetie. And to me, this phrase, I wish every parent could say this to their kid, I believe you.

If you wanna make a kid feel real and confident for life, confidence comes from the experience of being believed, 'cause that's how you, for me, confidence is self-trust. It's not feeling good about yourself, it's self-trust. I really do know the way I feel. So let's say I say to my son in that situation, it's, I believe you.

I'd start with, I believe you. Look, I know you wanna play football all day, and the kid around your age hates football. Like that would probably be lowest on your list of types of kids you'd wanna hang out with for the afternoon. I totally believe you. And in this family, we know that sometimes we have to do things we don't love to do.

We do that for a family experience. I say this to my kid all the time. You know, also just to end up being a good adult, you just have to end up practicing as a kid, doing things you don't wanna do, things that are boring, things that aren't your preference.

So, you know, you notch in your belt for that. So you don't have to thank me. And also, I know you have it in you to do your best, to be polite and engaged. Like I just, I know you're a good kid and this isn't what you want, and I know we're gonna get through it.

Now, if it's really hard, maybe young, hey, let's create a sign. Like, can you look at me and go, when you feel like you're kind of at this, and then me and you, we're gonna go to the bathroom, I'm gonna give you a hug and, right? I'm gonna say, I know this isn't what you want.

And when we get home, we could watch that football game, whatever it was, right? Because what we often do is we leave ourselves with two choices with kids. We either say, fine, stay home. Their feelings actually just dictated the decision. That's not helpful for them. I don't want my kid to learn in life.

When I don't wanna do something, people twist and turn to make that thing not happen. Like that's disturbing for adulthood expectations. But then we do the other thing, which is like, you are so selfish. Just because you don't have a friend your age doesn't mean that you can't come with us.

So we either let their feelings dictate, or we think our boundaries kind of give us the right to be mad at our kid, right? Like to do both is so important. And so that's where I think to me when I hear impingement, like, I actually think that is the exact space where you have the most bang for your buck as a parent.

Like, it's not enjoyable. And again, if I have my beautiful intervention with my son, do not think my kid will look at me and say, I love how you explained that. That was so beautiful. No, he's gonna roll his eyes. My job is not to take the bait, 'cause I'm an adult, and to also hold hope.

I think that's really important. This concept of I'm validating my kid's feelings where they are today, but I need to be the one to hold hope that they can cope with it. If I can't name to my kid, I know you're gonna get through it. They're not gonna be able to see that kind of next, more mature version of themselves.

And I actually think it's the same as your best boss. You know, it's like, I know you don't wanna go on this trip. I don't know, whatever it is. I know this presentation topic isn't the one you would have chosen. And there were 10 things, and this was literally number 10.

I totally get that, and it stinks, and I'm not taking anything away from that. And this is the thing I need you to do. And I know something about you. Like, when you put your mind to something, you always do a great job. And like, it's probably not gonna be enjoyable, but I do know you're gonna do a great job on this.

Like, that's like the boss you want. - Amazing. Are you adopting children, by the way? - I actually, I finished college. I actually, I ride with them. - You I consider, Andrew, you, adult children. - What I'm hearing is don't dictate their behavior with, and I'm gonna underline in bold, dictate.

Don't dictate their behavior. You're going to do this because I said so. That's dictatorship. But at the same time, don't quash the emotion behind the resistance. Kind of acknowledge it, make them feel real. I believe you. I love this phrase, amazing. And I love your definition of confidence. If people didn't hear that, we're definitely gonna repeat it again.

And we're gonna etch it into your neural circuitry 'cause I love that. It's a self-trust. - Yes. - And this notion of giving hope. You're giving them an incentive that's based on a reward that's actually good for them, that they can translate to other situations as well. Wow. So much there.

- Can I double-click on reward? - Please. - Because you know what it made me think? I didn't think until you said that. I think in a situation where you'd be tempted to say, and if you go and you're polite, I'll give you 20 extra minutes of Roblox, right?

First of all, let me just say something. Whatever I say to you, for listeners, it's not like I do this stuff all the time with my actual kids. I'm the first one sometimes to be like, here's your thing I have to dangle. - We'll provide a little section in the comment section on YouTube where your kids can, no, I'm just kidding.

- Yeah, exactly. - Your kids are forbidden. No, wait, that's, wait, that's dictating. We understand why you, I believe that you would want to comment, but we're going to trust, we're going to let you know why it's, it's good for you if you don't. Anyway, I'll practice this on someone else's kids.

- But the reward, like the reward, when your kid ends up seeing themself capable of doing something they didn't previously think they could do, you know better than me, like I feel like that is like one of the best rewards, even if it's getting through a social situation. Or I think about this a lot with, you know, my little kid is, I don't know, like struggling with a puzzle or something, and I could just do it for them.

Or if I help them kind of regulate, oh, this is a hard puzzle, and you can take a break, I just know you're going to figure it out today. I just know it. And then because of that, they get there. That feels in your body, like that is the best kind of reward.

And it's the type of reward that works for kids in adulthood. When they're in a job, we want them to be motivated by the feeling they're going to have of pride, not be saying, hey, I finished my thing early, do I get a bonus to their boss? Like that's not going to play out as well.

- I love it. I'm just pausing and shaking my head only because I love it so much. And I just want to make sure that I don't quickly move to the next question without drilling down even deeper into some of these concepts. I believe you as the feedback or response that can instill real confidence over time.

Not to get too nuanced here, but how is it different? Because I sense it is different than I hear you. I hear you, but you're going to do this anyway. Or I hear you, but listen in this family, I believe you, the word believe is powerful. And I believe there's real power in specific words, as is, you know, like for instance, sturdiness, again, such a powerful and underused word.

I believe you. You're a psychologist. What do you think we're hearing when somebody says, I believe you, that's different than I hear you? - I haven't listed these out, but I think we all have these like core needs as humans. And I think being believed is one of them because it's someone else kind of saying, you're real.

That's what, I might not feel what you're feeling, but that thing that feels strong to you that nobody can see or measure is real. And when I think about the most confident people, like I think about this girl who I went to Duke with and she was just brilliant, like so smart.

And we were in this seminar. It was one of these small classes where this professor was like talking about stuff. And like, I, for once, I was like, I have no idea what this person's talking about. But like, I was like, no one else was stopping. And this girl raised her hand and she said, I'm sorry if everyone else is annoying.

Like, I have no idea what you're talking about. Like, is there any, 'cause I usually do. And like, is there any way you could say that in a different way? That is like, to me, the utmost version of confidence that she believed her own experience of confusion was real confusion.

She didn't think it was a sign she was stupid. She believed it. She believed herself. That is so confident. And I think when someone says, I hear you, it's like a version of listening. There's many worse phrases. No damage is done. When we follow anything but but, we tend to invalidate.

So that's not good anyway. I believe you but is also not gonna. But there's a million examples of this to me that build confidence. And I actually think there's so many situations with kids where they say situations and we worry, oh, they have low confidence. And then we intervene to quote, make them feel better, which actually is the thing that lowers their confidence.

'Cause it's like, we say to them, I don't believe you. You're not really feeling the way you feel. Where I believe you is the exact opposite. So like, I like to give examples 'cause it makes it concrete. Like my kid will come home and say, I don't know. I was picked last for dodge ball today.

I was picked last and something. And they're clearly very, very sad, right? And we wanna say to them, like, it's no big deal or everyone's picked last sometimes. Or, but remember yesterday you told me you were picked first for basketball. And we think like, I need to build up my kid's confidence.

Those are confidence, I don't wanna say destroying, that's just reducing interventions. 'Cause a kid is kind of coming to a parent basically saying, I'm very, very upset that I was picked last. And we're saying to a kid, no, you weren't. And they're like, but I am. And what they learn is, and this is really terrifying to me, is other people are better feelers of my feelings than I am.

And that's like a million really scary interpersonal, I think, relationship, you know, kind of consequences later down in life. But when a kid says, you know, I was picked last and nobody even wants me and they all think I'm the worst athlete, whatever kids say, to sit and say some version of like, I'm so glad we're talking about this.

And I could tell that was a really hard gym class and sweetie, like, I believe you. You will watch your kid, it is crazy to me what parents tell me happen when they say those words to their kids. They're like, it also just like literally diffused everything and they were like ready to move on.

Like they are just trying to tell you probably like I was feeling something, it was a lot, it was confusing, right? Our feelings were always hardest when we're alone in them. So I was alone in it and I bring it to you when someone says, I believe you. Not only are they giving you that core need, they're also just like, they're like sitting down with you in it.

And that's, that makes everything better. And then meanwhile, what a kid feels like when we say, I believe you, to a hard experience or hard feeling is, they're like the feelings that overwhelm me don't overwhelm my parents. They can tolerate it. They're not scared of me kind of being a loser in gym class one day.

And if my parent likes me when I have that feeling, oh my God, I can start to like myself when I have that feeling. - Thank you for tuning in to the Huberman Lab Clips channel. If you enjoyed the clip that you just viewed, please check out the full length episode by clicking here.