Reflecting-as-a-stay-at-home-dad-for-two-years
00:00:00.000 | Hello everybody, it's Sam from Financial Samurai and happy Good Friday 2019.
00:00:06.440 | This podcast is about reflection.
00:00:08.600 | I want to reflect on two years of being a stay-at-home dad.
00:00:11.720 | There aren't many stay-at-home dads and I don't think a lot of them would voice their
00:00:16.880 | thoughts and feelings over these past two years either.
00:00:19.120 | I thought it'd be good to do something a little bit different.
00:00:22.320 | I still remember the day my son was born like it was yesterday.
00:00:25.740 | After only about an hour of labor, he joined us in this world at 11.58 p.m.
00:00:30.840 | So he just squeaked on by.
00:00:33.240 | It was the greatest moment of both of our lives.
00:00:35.800 | Nothing comes close.
00:00:37.860 | Not a job, raise or promotion, not getting into your top choice university, nothing.
00:00:44.920 | And this is something that you just have to experience for yourself.
00:00:48.000 | There's no amount of pontification or imagining to think how that moment will feel.
00:00:53.200 | And so from that time forward when he came into the world, we pledged to care for him
00:00:57.240 | as best as we could.
00:00:58.800 | And in a very big way, all the years of saving and investing were to prepare for this moment
00:01:04.280 | that we could both be stay-at-home parents.
00:01:07.100 | As first-time parents, we didn't know what to expect.
00:01:10.080 | I read maybe six books on parenting.
00:01:13.780 | My wife read probably even more and I still have three books on parenting right on my
00:01:18.320 | bedside table.
00:01:20.180 | We figured having both of us care for our boy would be the optimal way to go for his
00:01:24.320 | sake and for his safety.
00:01:26.800 | So here are my personal reflections as a stay-at-home dad for the past two years.
00:01:30.680 | I've sent this post and this podcast to his email account for him to read when he's a
00:01:35.240 | little bit older.
00:01:36.240 | I think this is a pretty good trick to just set up something, his name or her name at
00:01:41.480 | whatever gmail.com or whatever account you want to use and just randomly send some updates
00:01:47.400 | and reflections.
00:01:48.600 | I have a podcast and a personal finance site so I can regularly update him this way, but
00:01:53.680 | the email version is a little bit more personal.
00:01:56.880 | So here are some thoughts.
00:01:58.440 | And I'll start off with some personal finance thoughts because after all, this is Financial
00:02:02.240 | Samurai.
00:02:03.320 | So one, it is hard to lose so much money, but losing time is much harder.
00:02:09.840 | Due to being a stay-at-home dad for two years, I've lost out on probably over $400,000 in
00:02:15.480 | income with 18 to 20 years of experience in finance and online media.
00:02:20.920 | It's relatively straightforward and easy to get a $200,000 to $250,000 job here in the
00:02:25.880 | Bay Area plus restrict the stock units.
00:02:29.120 | If I were to go back to banking, my base salary would be $250,000 plus bonus.
00:02:35.120 | Although losing out on so much income is hard given we now have more expenses to take care
00:02:40.920 | of our son, I wouldn't miss out on the first two years of my son's life for probably any
00:02:45.800 | amount.
00:02:46.800 | I was thinking about it.
00:02:47.800 | If you give me a billion dollars, but in order to get that billion dollars, I'd have to be
00:02:51.440 | away from home and be away from him for 14 hours to make that money.
00:02:57.640 | I'd probably decline.
00:02:59.440 | I really would.
00:03:00.440 | I've spent some time with some billionaires before and maybe they're just putting on airs
00:03:04.520 | and being respectful, but they seem quite like you and me.
00:03:08.280 | They've got the same issues, same problems, same health, bum, knee.
00:03:12.840 | The only difference is they have big mansions and they get a lot of adoration and publicity,
00:03:18.440 | which I actually don't like.
00:03:20.120 | They get to fly private everywhere, including to my favorite islands, Hawaii, where that
00:03:24.600 | jet costs like $10,000 to $20,000 an hour to get there and it takes five to five and
00:03:29.600 | a half hours to get to Hawaii.
00:03:31.640 | That's the only perk I would think being a billionaire would give you.
00:03:36.200 | I know I would have regretted pursuing more money over more time with my son and that's
00:03:41.880 | probably because we have enough.
00:03:44.160 | Now we don't have massive amounts of money, but we have enough.
00:03:46.440 | We have enough to live in a cozy home, to drive a car, to eat food and to pay for transportation
00:03:54.040 | and save for college and grade school.
00:03:57.040 | I think that guilt would have consumed me if I went back to work.
00:04:01.120 | I would have seen more money in my bank account, but I would start asking myself, "What's it
00:04:06.240 | for?
00:04:07.240 | What's it all for?" if it's not a means to an end to spend more time with family.
00:04:12.440 | I've gotten to know a couple of nannies over the years and they have told me how they won't
00:04:16.520 | tell the parents about new milestones so that the parents can think they're first time witnesses.
00:04:24.080 | And I thought that was really thoughtful, but at the same time, a little bit sad.
00:04:28.720 | At the end of the day, I knew I could always make more money, but I could never create
00:04:32.760 | more time with our son.
00:04:34.080 | So that post I wrote in the past called "Career or Family, You Only Have to 'Sacrifice' for
00:04:40.880 | at most five years" is really relevant.
00:04:44.120 | Two years and then maybe three years, they'll go to preschool and then you can get more
00:04:49.440 | of your time back and you can go spend time working if you want.
00:04:53.560 | But I think it's so important, at least for me, to spend those first two years at home.
00:04:59.440 | Second reflection, being a stay-at-home parent is the hardest job in the world without a
00:05:04.360 | doubt.
00:05:05.620 | For all the stay-at-home parents out there, I salute you.
00:05:09.080 | And for all the single parents out there, you have my deepest, deepest admiration for
00:05:14.920 | trying to make it all work.
00:05:16.320 | Man, it is so hard.
00:05:19.320 | Because I think about working in equities and banking 14 hours a day, where there's
00:05:23.560 | constant pressure to perform and to rank well with your clients and to bring in business.
00:05:28.360 | I think it's kind of like a walk in the park compared to full-time fatherhood.
00:05:32.080 | With full-time fatherhood, you're on 24/7 due to the risk of injury or death by the
00:05:36.120 | child.
00:05:37.240 | The first year of life is so fragile, which is why you're always on high alert for choking,
00:05:42.520 | suffocation, tumbles, running into a sharp corner and so forth.
00:05:46.720 | Oh my gosh, we spend lots of money and so many hours patting on the corners, patting
00:05:53.280 | the walls and everything around our house.
00:05:56.000 | Because no matter what, our son would find those danger zones.
00:06:00.120 | And I kept reading stories about sudden infant death syndrome, SIDS, which are also so incredibly
00:06:06.560 | heartbreaking.
00:06:07.560 | A baby would just die for no reason or would just suffocate in a crib.
00:06:13.600 | And the mom or the dad would wake up and find the baby just motionless.
00:06:18.760 | And I just couldn't get these images and these stories out of my head.
00:06:22.760 | So the first year, man, I was full of paranoia.
00:06:25.600 | I wouldn't be able to sleep uninterrupted for more than three to four hours.
00:06:31.400 | And for SIDS and for sleeping, the latest research is back is best and get rid of all
00:06:37.800 | blankets and all pillows in the crib because you don't want your little one to suffocate.
00:06:44.800 | Once your child starts to verbalize his or her desires, it's all about repetition.
00:06:49.800 | And so if you don't have patience, repetition can get really grating sometimes.
00:06:56.200 | So for example, my son loves garage doors and will say garage door, double wide garage
00:07:00.920 | door, quadruple wide, big brown garage door with horizontal lines over and over again.
00:07:08.360 | And it's cute.
00:07:09.360 | It's very cute.
00:07:10.360 | But, you know, after the hundredth iteration, it kind of gets, hmm, let's let's talk about
00:07:14.660 | something else.
00:07:15.660 | Right.
00:07:16.660 | So you've got to be really patient, patient, patient, patient.
00:07:19.480 | And you've got to repeat the words and interact.
00:07:22.320 | Otherwise, your little one will know you're not paying attention.
00:07:25.920 | My little boy certainly does know.
00:07:28.000 | I've also heard whines, screams and crying maybe three to six times a day for seven hundred
00:07:33.680 | thirty days in a row.
00:07:34.680 | You know, in the beginning, it's just it was kind of shocking.
00:07:38.320 | Right.
00:07:39.320 | Because in our household, my wife and I, we hardly ever fight.
00:07:42.440 | We don't scream, definitely.
00:07:44.080 | And we don't cry like that.
00:07:46.380 | So it was an adjustment period.
00:07:48.880 | And our boy is a top one percent chatterbox.
00:07:51.440 | He's so determined.
00:07:53.300 | And so it's wonderful that he talks a lot.
00:07:56.280 | And it's wonderful that he's so determined.
00:07:57.960 | But these are also adjustments to make.
00:08:00.320 | And again, it takes a lot of patience.
00:08:03.120 | And over time, things are getting better as he's being able to more verbally communicate
00:08:06.760 | his needs and wants.
00:08:08.440 | And here's the kicker.
00:08:10.440 | Even though my wife spent about I would say she was 70 percent.
00:08:16.400 | She did 70 percent of the caretaking due to the nursing needs, most of all, and also nighttime.
00:08:23.520 | I still felt like being a stay at home dad was the hardest thing I've ever done.
00:08:27.320 | So one must develop that preparation and knowledge and patience before diving in, because it's
00:08:33.520 | a lot of work, folks.
00:08:35.240 | Third point and back to money again.
00:08:37.500 | Have children and the money will come.
00:08:39.560 | I've heard the saying before, and I really didn't realize how true it was until our son
00:08:44.840 | was born.
00:08:46.160 | Although both my wife and I gave up healthy salaries to raise our boy full time, we were
00:08:50.400 | somehow able to make more money each year after he was born.
00:08:54.600 | Now, how is this possible?
00:08:56.760 | Well, what happens is when you have a child, your mind and body go into overdrive to try
00:09:02.160 | and provide as much care and support as possible.
00:09:05.040 | As a result, you gain even more energy to find ways to financially support your family.
00:09:09.200 | It's kind of like adrenaline or you hear stories about someone picking up a car to save a life
00:09:14.200 | or something.
00:09:15.400 | It's like next level aftermarket boosters that just really pump you up.
00:09:20.960 | In my case, I had been waking up at around 5.30 to 6.15 a.m. to start the day for a couple
00:09:27.560 | hours before my wife would wake up to write on Financial Samurai.
00:09:31.880 | So after our son was born, I started waking up between 3.30 a.m. and 4.30 a.m. to get
00:09:36.920 | work done before he would wake up at 6.30, 7 a.m.
00:09:41.840 | So I didn't quit and I just kept on going because I just told myself my family depended
00:09:49.080 | on me and I knew my family depended on me.
00:09:51.520 | I needed to work in order to continue to generate some stable income along with the passive
00:09:57.080 | income because I have this paranoia that we're going to run out one day or something bad
00:10:02.440 | is going to happen one day because bad things happen all the time.
00:10:06.960 | I just didn't want to quit.
00:10:07.960 | I just wanted to keep on going.
00:10:09.880 | So that was something really interesting that I found.
00:10:12.520 | The days were very long.
00:10:13.720 | We're talking on average 4 a.m. to 10 p.m. with at least a 45-minute nap in between.
00:10:21.600 | Next four, it's easy to gain weight and get sick.
00:10:25.960 | This is something that's probably will be new to a lot of parents as well because as
00:10:29.760 | adults we probably only get sick like once a year maybe because when all you're doing
00:10:34.360 | is caring for your baby at home, it's easy to gain weight.
00:10:37.120 | I went from 168 pounds at 5'10" to 173 pounds even though I was consciously trying not to
00:10:43.560 | overeat.
00:10:45.000 | But after about the 18th month, I started losing weight and I got back to about 166
00:10:49.880 | to 169.
00:10:51.720 | The main reason why is because our boy likes to take hour plus long walks around our hilly
00:10:56.840 | hills.
00:10:57.840 | There's this one time, hour 20-minute walk.
00:11:00.640 | It was an awesome beautiful day.
00:11:03.200 | Down the hill, up the hill and then let's have some lunch and fingers crossed, let's
00:11:08.920 | time to take an hour to two-hour nap.
00:11:11.520 | Nope, he just kept on going right to 8 p.m.
00:11:14.840 | So that takes a lot of energy.
00:11:18.040 | In terms of sickness, first year he didn't get sick and then on the 12th month, he got
00:11:22.920 | a little bit sick.
00:11:24.160 | And then after that, as we started going more and more into public settings, every quarter
00:11:28.740 | he would get sick, runny nose or something and then that vomiting virus came after we
00:11:34.600 | visited a preschool the very next day and that sickness spread to us.
00:11:39.240 | So we're always fighting some kind of cold.
00:11:41.240 | So that's something we got to be aware of.
00:11:43.320 | So for folks who are planning to have a baby, for men, try to lose 5 or 10 pounds before
00:11:49.080 | to give yourself a buffer after.
00:11:51.280 | Fifth takeaway and I think this is really going to disappoint and surprise a lot of
00:11:54.960 | folks.
00:11:56.240 | Nannies are not paying attention.
00:11:58.400 | I'm really sad to report this but after spending over 150 sessions in a public setting, whether
00:12:03.200 | it's at a park or a museum or a playground, the vast majority of nannies, I would say
00:12:07.640 | 90 plus percent, are on their phones the entire one hour they're there.
00:12:14.800 | We're addicted to our phones.
00:12:16.200 | We've got this epidemic going on.
00:12:18.280 | And so if you think about it, if you can get paid that hour while having fun and doing
00:12:24.960 | whatever on your phone, that's the natural tendency.
00:12:28.520 | Every time I play chase with my boy, every time, there will inevitably be 2 or 3 other
00:12:33.640 | kids who will start playing along and playing chase because their nannies are not paying
00:12:37.200 | attention to them.
00:12:38.540 | And I've seen countless falls by 10 month old to 18 months old just learning to walk
00:12:45.120 | because their nannies are not paying attention.
00:12:48.440 | And I often wonder actually whether one of the reasons for slow speech development is
00:12:52.480 | because the nanny simply does not spend enough time speaking to their child or describing
00:12:57.200 | things to the child as they happen.
00:12:59.800 | We parents should be verbally describing everything to our children on an ongoing basis.
00:13:04.960 | But with the nannies, I've observed, you know, it's kind of largely silence.
00:13:09.720 | And maybe one of the reasons why is because I would say 90 plus percent of the nannies,
00:13:13.800 | at least here in San Francisco, are not native English speakers.
00:13:17.920 | So if you're going to go the nanny route, I would explicitly tell them to stay off their
00:13:21.360 | phones during playtime.
00:13:22.720 | And if you're having a difficult decision on whether to return to work or stay at home,
00:13:29.600 | I would choose staying at home if you can afford to because nobody will care more about
00:13:33.240 | your child than you.
00:13:36.080 | Sixth point, there's three more points by the way.
00:13:39.040 | There is no discrimination.
00:13:40.720 | I didn't feel one sense of exclusion from moms in the two years.
00:13:45.560 | You know, you sometimes hear the stories about moms just pushing dad's side or mocking them
00:13:50.200 | behind their backs or in front of their faces about being a stay-at-home parent.
00:13:53.960 | I experienced none of that out of all my outings.
00:13:57.160 | I was never made to feel embarrassed or feel bad about being a stay-at-home dad.
00:14:01.880 | I was actually felt good.
00:14:04.640 | You know, moms were very interactive.
00:14:06.800 | They were very supportive.
00:14:08.560 | And nobody really said, "Where's your wife?" or "What does your wife do?" or whatever.
00:14:13.080 | That's probably because my wife was largely with me most of the time on our public outings.
00:14:18.880 | But I don't know, maybe it's also because San Francisco is a much more accepting city.
00:14:23.000 | Not sure.
00:14:24.000 | You know, one time I went for a walk with a mom's group in Golden Gate Park and we decided
00:14:28.560 | to take a break under a large tree.
00:14:31.020 | And then all the moms started to breastfeed their children but only one of them had a
00:14:35.040 | shawl and that was all right in front of me.
00:14:37.560 | So it was actually me who felt a little bit embarrassed or a little out of place.
00:14:41.780 | So I went for a walk to give them privacy.
00:14:44.540 | And I think this is a demonstration that men, we men, when we're stay-at-home dads, we probably
00:14:52.620 | have this self-doubt and these type of feelings more – we're thinking about it more than
00:15:00.280 | the reality of how other people see us.
00:15:03.400 | So for all the stay-at-home dads out there, I would just say own your stay-at-home dadness.
00:15:08.480 | Be proud that you're a stay-at-home dad.
00:15:10.360 | It's the most important job in the world.
00:15:12.920 | Don't say, "Oh, I retired early and while your wife works."
00:15:18.440 | Just say you're a stay-at-home dad.
00:15:19.440 | You don't have to feel embarrassed at all.
00:15:22.100 | Just own it.
00:15:23.360 | The share of stay-at-home parents that are dads is steadily increasing.
00:15:28.120 | So in 1970, that percentage was like, I don't know, 2%.
00:15:32.040 | I'm looking at this chart in my post.
00:15:34.600 | And now in the year 2019, that percentage is 20%.
00:15:38.940 | So that's a huge six to seven-fold increase over the past 40, 50 years.
00:15:45.080 | And I think that's going to continue to increase if you look at the upward sloping
00:15:47.860 | trend line.
00:15:49.080 | So be proud, dads.
00:15:51.000 | Seven, I wish I started sooner.
00:15:54.480 | I find that men are a little too relaxed about when to have children because we don't have
00:15:58.920 | that same biological pressure as women do.
00:16:02.140 | We like to avoid the subject for as long as possible.
00:16:05.160 | But I think that's not fair to women who want to have children and it's not fair
00:16:08.280 | to our partners who assume, I would think, largely assume that maybe a family is on the
00:16:13.680 | horizon if they're going to marry you.
00:16:16.800 | So I think it's very important to have a mature discussion early on in your relationship.
00:16:21.000 | And I wish I did because I was just go, go, go in my 20s and I really only seriously started
00:16:28.140 | thinking and talking about children at around age 33.
00:16:32.720 | There's no harm talking and thinking, folks.
00:16:35.620 | So I think we should all do more of it.
00:16:37.480 | Physically, I'm still holding up pretty well, but I'm definitely not as limber as I used
00:16:41.440 | to be as it takes me longer to recover from a cold or a sports injury.
00:16:46.000 | Man, I mean, seriously, these injuries used to take me like two weeks, three weeks to
00:16:51.000 | recover.
00:16:52.000 | Now it takes me a month or two months.
00:16:54.160 | After about the age of 45, I'm not sure if my body would be able to handle all the necessary
00:16:58.080 | bending over and caring anymore.
00:17:00.600 | So there's a deadline, folks.
00:17:02.440 | Even our minds might be stronger than our bodies.
00:17:05.400 | There is a deadline and I wouldn't really test our bodies because biologically they're
00:17:09.800 | not conforming to our later stage marriages and family formations.
00:17:14.560 | And here's the eighth and final takeaway.
00:17:17.280 | As a dad, you never feel like you're doing enough.
00:17:20.800 | I'm constantly in awe of my wife because of her patience, kindness, and ability to naturally
00:17:26.440 | feed our boy when he was a baby.
00:17:28.800 | I've never seen my wife upset over these past two years.
00:17:32.440 | She's had times where she's had to walk away and just cool down, but it's never been something
00:17:36.840 | upset, yelling, hitting, or nothing.
00:17:39.160 | I mean, it's been amazing because a baby will test your patience, I guarantee you.
00:17:45.040 | As a stay-at-home dad, my son and I have a close connection.
00:17:48.440 | I think we really do.
00:17:50.160 | But it's not as close as the connection he has with his mom, largely because of the nursing
00:17:55.040 | and more time she's spending with him.
00:17:58.000 | As a result, I used to feel a little sad and a little jealous when he would cry out to
00:18:01.760 | mommy while I was still right there in the room playing with him.
00:18:05.400 | I would think to myself, "What am I, chopped liver or something?"
00:18:09.520 | And because I'm unable to nurse our boy, I try to make up for my deficiency in other
00:18:13.920 | ways.
00:18:14.920 | Cleaning, driving, grocery shopping, playing, washing dishes, ordering food, and so forth.
00:18:21.480 | I throw myself deep into my work in order to feel that power of being a provider and
00:18:26.880 | feeling useful again.
00:18:29.160 | And again, one of the earlier points, "Have children and the money will come."
00:18:34.240 | It just goes back to that desire for a man to want to provide and feel useful.
00:18:40.240 | And slowly I'm starting to feel more and more worthy of being a father.
00:18:43.600 | As he gets older, I hope all he'll want to do is play with his old man.
00:18:48.160 | It's just such a weird feeling to never feel like you're doing enough, no matter how hard
00:18:52.260 | you try.
00:18:53.260 | But I think it's just going to get better over time.
00:18:56.260 | After two years of being a stay-at-home dad, I'm firmly, firmly on the side of the rest
00:19:00.480 | of the world that provides six to 12 months of parental leave after having a baby.
00:19:05.920 | For a woman to return to work after three months seems cruel.
00:19:09.920 | Seems cruel.
00:19:10.920 | I've witnessed the recovery period and it is not easy, especially if you have a C-section.
00:19:17.720 | Give me a break.
00:19:18.720 | Are you going to return to work after a C-section within several months?
00:19:22.840 | It just doesn't seem right.
00:19:24.440 | All a baby wants to do at that age is to be with his or her mother and father.
00:19:29.520 | One doctor said it best, nine months to create, nine months to heal.
00:19:35.080 | Unfortunately, companies aren't in the business of subsidizing our personal life decisions
00:19:38.920 | regarding having children.
00:19:40.480 | And I think we all understand that.
00:19:41.960 | Having children is personal and we need to take responsibility to care for that child.
00:19:47.080 | My hope is that American institutions will soon start to offer some type of token paid
00:19:52.180 | parental time off for at least the first child.
00:19:55.400 | Why not?
00:19:56.400 | The rest of the developed world does that.
00:19:58.600 | So in conclusion, I just want to say congrats to all the stay-at-home parents out there
00:20:04.080 | for doing so much to take care of your children while your partner or spouse is also trying
00:20:09.760 | to make it work and provide for your family.
00:20:12.080 | And if you're a single parent, just keep on grinding forward.
00:20:15.320 | I think we've got to look into the future.
00:20:18.180 | No phase lasts forever and I think we need to enjoy it.
00:20:21.040 | So thanks so much for letting me reflect on my time as a stay-at-home dad.
00:20:24.920 | And son, I love you so, so much and I look forward to spending so much time with you