Hello everybody, it's Sam from Financial Samurai and happy Good Friday 2019. This podcast is about reflection. I want to reflect on two years of being a stay-at-home dad. There aren't many stay-at-home dads and I don't think a lot of them would voice their thoughts and feelings over these past two years either.

I thought it'd be good to do something a little bit different. I still remember the day my son was born like it was yesterday. After only about an hour of labor, he joined us in this world at 11.58 p.m. So he just squeaked on by. It was the greatest moment of both of our lives.

Nothing comes close. Not a job, raise or promotion, not getting into your top choice university, nothing. And this is something that you just have to experience for yourself. There's no amount of pontification or imagining to think how that moment will feel. And so from that time forward when he came into the world, we pledged to care for him as best as we could.

And in a very big way, all the years of saving and investing were to prepare for this moment that we could both be stay-at-home parents. As first-time parents, we didn't know what to expect. I read maybe six books on parenting. My wife read probably even more and I still have three books on parenting right on my bedside table.

We figured having both of us care for our boy would be the optimal way to go for his sake and for his safety. So here are my personal reflections as a stay-at-home dad for the past two years. I've sent this post and this podcast to his email account for him to read when he's a little bit older.

I think this is a pretty good trick to just set up something, his name or her name at whatever gmail.com or whatever account you want to use and just randomly send some updates and reflections. I have a podcast and a personal finance site so I can regularly update him this way, but the email version is a little bit more personal.

So here are some thoughts. And I'll start off with some personal finance thoughts because after all, this is Financial Samurai. So one, it is hard to lose so much money, but losing time is much harder. Due to being a stay-at-home dad for two years, I've lost out on probably over $400,000 in income with 18 to 20 years of experience in finance and online media.

It's relatively straightforward and easy to get a $200,000 to $250,000 job here in the Bay Area plus restrict the stock units. If I were to go back to banking, my base salary would be $250,000 plus bonus. Although losing out on so much income is hard given we now have more expenses to take care of our son, I wouldn't miss out on the first two years of my son's life for probably any amount.

I was thinking about it. If you give me a billion dollars, but in order to get that billion dollars, I'd have to be away from home and be away from him for 14 hours to make that money. I'd probably decline. I really would. I've spent some time with some billionaires before and maybe they're just putting on airs and being respectful, but they seem quite like you and me.

They've got the same issues, same problems, same health, bum, knee. The only difference is they have big mansions and they get a lot of adoration and publicity, which I actually don't like. They get to fly private everywhere, including to my favorite islands, Hawaii, where that jet costs like $10,000 to $20,000 an hour to get there and it takes five to five and a half hours to get to Hawaii.

That's the only perk I would think being a billionaire would give you. I know I would have regretted pursuing more money over more time with my son and that's probably because we have enough. Now we don't have massive amounts of money, but we have enough. We have enough to live in a cozy home, to drive a car, to eat food and to pay for transportation and save for college and grade school.

I think that guilt would have consumed me if I went back to work. I would have seen more money in my bank account, but I would start asking myself, "What's it for? What's it all for?" if it's not a means to an end to spend more time with family.

I've gotten to know a couple of nannies over the years and they have told me how they won't tell the parents about new milestones so that the parents can think they're first time witnesses. And I thought that was really thoughtful, but at the same time, a little bit sad.

At the end of the day, I knew I could always make more money, but I could never create more time with our son. So that post I wrote in the past called "Career or Family, You Only Have to 'Sacrifice' for at most five years" is really relevant. Two years and then maybe three years, they'll go to preschool and then you can get more of your time back and you can go spend time working if you want.

But I think it's so important, at least for me, to spend those first two years at home. Second reflection, being a stay-at-home parent is the hardest job in the world without a doubt. For all the stay-at-home parents out there, I salute you. And for all the single parents out there, you have my deepest, deepest admiration for trying to make it all work.

Man, it is so hard. Because I think about working in equities and banking 14 hours a day, where there's constant pressure to perform and to rank well with your clients and to bring in business. I think it's kind of like a walk in the park compared to full-time fatherhood.

With full-time fatherhood, you're on 24/7 due to the risk of injury or death by the child. The first year of life is so fragile, which is why you're always on high alert for choking, suffocation, tumbles, running into a sharp corner and so forth. Oh my gosh, we spend lots of money and so many hours patting on the corners, patting the walls and everything around our house.

Because no matter what, our son would find those danger zones. And I kept reading stories about sudden infant death syndrome, SIDS, which are also so incredibly heartbreaking. A baby would just die for no reason or would just suffocate in a crib. And the mom or the dad would wake up and find the baby just motionless.

And I just couldn't get these images and these stories out of my head. So the first year, man, I was full of paranoia. I wouldn't be able to sleep uninterrupted for more than three to four hours. And for SIDS and for sleeping, the latest research is back is best and get rid of all blankets and all pillows in the crib because you don't want your little one to suffocate.

Once your child starts to verbalize his or her desires, it's all about repetition. And so if you don't have patience, repetition can get really grating sometimes. So for example, my son loves garage doors and will say garage door, double wide garage door, quadruple wide, big brown garage door with horizontal lines over and over again.

And it's cute. It's very cute. But, you know, after the hundredth iteration, it kind of gets, hmm, let's let's talk about something else. Right. So you've got to be really patient, patient, patient, patient. And you've got to repeat the words and interact. Otherwise, your little one will know you're not paying attention.

My little boy certainly does know. I've also heard whines, screams and crying maybe three to six times a day for seven hundred thirty days in a row. You know, in the beginning, it's just it was kind of shocking. Right. Because in our household, my wife and I, we hardly ever fight.

We don't scream, definitely. And we don't cry like that. So it was an adjustment period. And our boy is a top one percent chatterbox. He's so determined. And so it's wonderful that he talks a lot. And it's wonderful that he's so determined. But these are also adjustments to make.

And again, it takes a lot of patience. And over time, things are getting better as he's being able to more verbally communicate his needs and wants. And here's the kicker. Even though my wife spent about I would say she was 70 percent. She did 70 percent of the caretaking due to the nursing needs, most of all, and also nighttime.

I still felt like being a stay at home dad was the hardest thing I've ever done. So one must develop that preparation and knowledge and patience before diving in, because it's a lot of work, folks. Third point and back to money again. Have children and the money will come.

I've heard the saying before, and I really didn't realize how true it was until our son was born. Although both my wife and I gave up healthy salaries to raise our boy full time, we were somehow able to make more money each year after he was born. Now, how is this possible?

Well, what happens is when you have a child, your mind and body go into overdrive to try and provide as much care and support as possible. As a result, you gain even more energy to find ways to financially support your family. It's kind of like adrenaline or you hear stories about someone picking up a car to save a life or something.

It's like next level aftermarket boosters that just really pump you up. In my case, I had been waking up at around 5.30 to 6.15 a.m. to start the day for a couple hours before my wife would wake up to write on Financial Samurai. So after our son was born, I started waking up between 3.30 a.m.

and 4.30 a.m. to get work done before he would wake up at 6.30, 7 a.m. So I didn't quit and I just kept on going because I just told myself my family depended on me and I knew my family depended on me. I needed to work in order to continue to generate some stable income along with the passive income because I have this paranoia that we're going to run out one day or something bad is going to happen one day because bad things happen all the time.

I just didn't want to quit. I just wanted to keep on going. So that was something really interesting that I found. The days were very long. We're talking on average 4 a.m. to 10 p.m. with at least a 45-minute nap in between. Next four, it's easy to gain weight and get sick.

This is something that's probably will be new to a lot of parents as well because as adults we probably only get sick like once a year maybe because when all you're doing is caring for your baby at home, it's easy to gain weight. I went from 168 pounds at 5'10" to 173 pounds even though I was consciously trying not to overeat.

But after about the 18th month, I started losing weight and I got back to about 166 to 169. The main reason why is because our boy likes to take hour plus long walks around our hilly hills. There's this one time, hour 20-minute walk. It was an awesome beautiful day.

Down the hill, up the hill and then let's have some lunch and fingers crossed, let's time to take an hour to two-hour nap. Nope, he just kept on going right to 8 p.m. So that takes a lot of energy. In terms of sickness, first year he didn't get sick and then on the 12th month, he got a little bit sick.

And then after that, as we started going more and more into public settings, every quarter he would get sick, runny nose or something and then that vomiting virus came after we visited a preschool the very next day and that sickness spread to us. So we're always fighting some kind of cold.

So that's something we got to be aware of. So for folks who are planning to have a baby, for men, try to lose 5 or 10 pounds before to give yourself a buffer after. Fifth takeaway and I think this is really going to disappoint and surprise a lot of folks.

Nannies are not paying attention. I'm really sad to report this but after spending over 150 sessions in a public setting, whether it's at a park or a museum or a playground, the vast majority of nannies, I would say 90 plus percent, are on their phones the entire one hour they're there.

We're addicted to our phones. We've got this epidemic going on. And so if you think about it, if you can get paid that hour while having fun and doing whatever on your phone, that's the natural tendency. Every time I play chase with my boy, every time, there will inevitably be 2 or 3 other kids who will start playing along and playing chase because their nannies are not paying attention to them.

And I've seen countless falls by 10 month old to 18 months old just learning to walk because their nannies are not paying attention. And I often wonder actually whether one of the reasons for slow speech development is because the nanny simply does not spend enough time speaking to their child or describing things to the child as they happen.

We parents should be verbally describing everything to our children on an ongoing basis. But with the nannies, I've observed, you know, it's kind of largely silence. And maybe one of the reasons why is because I would say 90 plus percent of the nannies, at least here in San Francisco, are not native English speakers.

So if you're going to go the nanny route, I would explicitly tell them to stay off their phones during playtime. And if you're having a difficult decision on whether to return to work or stay at home, I would choose staying at home if you can afford to because nobody will care more about your child than you.

Sixth point, there's three more points by the way. There is no discrimination. I didn't feel one sense of exclusion from moms in the two years. You know, you sometimes hear the stories about moms just pushing dad's side or mocking them behind their backs or in front of their faces about being a stay-at-home parent.

I experienced none of that out of all my outings. I was never made to feel embarrassed or feel bad about being a stay-at-home dad. I was actually felt good. You know, moms were very interactive. They were very supportive. And nobody really said, "Where's your wife?" or "What does your wife do?" or whatever.

That's probably because my wife was largely with me most of the time on our public outings. But I don't know, maybe it's also because San Francisco is a much more accepting city. Not sure. You know, one time I went for a walk with a mom's group in Golden Gate Park and we decided to take a break under a large tree.

And then all the moms started to breastfeed their children but only one of them had a shawl and that was all right in front of me. So it was actually me who felt a little bit embarrassed or a little out of place. So I went for a walk to give them privacy.

And I think this is a demonstration that men, we men, when we're stay-at-home dads, we probably have this self-doubt and these type of feelings more – we're thinking about it more than the reality of how other people see us. So for all the stay-at-home dads out there, I would just say own your stay-at-home dadness.

Be proud that you're a stay-at-home dad. It's the most important job in the world. Don't say, "Oh, I retired early and while your wife works." Just say you're a stay-at-home dad. You don't have to feel embarrassed at all. Just own it. The share of stay-at-home parents that are dads is steadily increasing.

So in 1970, that percentage was like, I don't know, 2%. I'm looking at this chart in my post. And now in the year 2019, that percentage is 20%. So that's a huge six to seven-fold increase over the past 40, 50 years. And I think that's going to continue to increase if you look at the upward sloping trend line.

So be proud, dads. Seven, I wish I started sooner. I find that men are a little too relaxed about when to have children because we don't have that same biological pressure as women do. We like to avoid the subject for as long as possible. But I think that's not fair to women who want to have children and it's not fair to our partners who assume, I would think, largely assume that maybe a family is on the horizon if they're going to marry you.

So I think it's very important to have a mature discussion early on in your relationship. And I wish I did because I was just go, go, go in my 20s and I really only seriously started thinking and talking about children at around age 33. There's no harm talking and thinking, folks.

So I think we should all do more of it. Physically, I'm still holding up pretty well, but I'm definitely not as limber as I used to be as it takes me longer to recover from a cold or a sports injury. Man, I mean, seriously, these injuries used to take me like two weeks, three weeks to recover.

Now it takes me a month or two months. After about the age of 45, I'm not sure if my body would be able to handle all the necessary bending over and caring anymore. So there's a deadline, folks. Even our minds might be stronger than our bodies. There is a deadline and I wouldn't really test our bodies because biologically they're not conforming to our later stage marriages and family formations.

And here's the eighth and final takeaway. As a dad, you never feel like you're doing enough. I'm constantly in awe of my wife because of her patience, kindness, and ability to naturally feed our boy when he was a baby. I've never seen my wife upset over these past two years.

She's had times where she's had to walk away and just cool down, but it's never been something upset, yelling, hitting, or nothing. I mean, it's been amazing because a baby will test your patience, I guarantee you. As a stay-at-home dad, my son and I have a close connection. I think we really do.

But it's not as close as the connection he has with his mom, largely because of the nursing and more time she's spending with him. As a result, I used to feel a little sad and a little jealous when he would cry out to mommy while I was still right there in the room playing with him.

I would think to myself, "What am I, chopped liver or something?" And because I'm unable to nurse our boy, I try to make up for my deficiency in other ways. Cleaning, driving, grocery shopping, playing, washing dishes, ordering food, and so forth. I throw myself deep into my work in order to feel that power of being a provider and feeling useful again.

And again, one of the earlier points, "Have children and the money will come." It just goes back to that desire for a man to want to provide and feel useful. And slowly I'm starting to feel more and more worthy of being a father. As he gets older, I hope all he'll want to do is play with his old man.

It's just such a weird feeling to never feel like you're doing enough, no matter how hard you try. But I think it's just going to get better over time. After two years of being a stay-at-home dad, I'm firmly, firmly on the side of the rest of the world that provides six to 12 months of parental leave after having a baby.

For a woman to return to work after three months seems cruel. Seems cruel. I've witnessed the recovery period and it is not easy, especially if you have a C-section. Give me a break. Are you going to return to work after a C-section within several months? It just doesn't seem right.

All a baby wants to do at that age is to be with his or her mother and father. One doctor said it best, nine months to create, nine months to heal. Unfortunately, companies aren't in the business of subsidizing our personal life decisions regarding having children. And I think we all understand that.

Having children is personal and we need to take responsibility to care for that child. My hope is that American institutions will soon start to offer some type of token paid parental time off for at least the first child. Why not? The rest of the developed world does that. So in conclusion, I just want to say congrats to all the stay-at-home parents out there for doing so much to take care of your children while your partner or spouse is also trying to make it work and provide for your family.

And if you're a single parent, just keep on grinding forward. I think we've got to look into the future. No phase lasts forever and I think we need to enjoy it. So thanks so much for letting me reflect on my time as a stay-at-home dad. And son, I love you so, so much and I look forward to spending so much time with you