Should I Finish School Before I Marry? Six Options to Consider
00:00:00.000 | (upbeat music)
00:00:02.580 | A friend of the ministry writes in,
00:00:07.800 | "Pastor John, I'm a 24-year-old follower of Christ
00:00:10.640 | "who serves as the student pastor
00:00:12.200 | "of a small Southern Baptist church.
00:00:14.640 | "I'm also a full-time student in seminary.
00:00:17.000 | "My girlfriend and I have been dating for a long time
00:00:19.080 | "and we both want to move forward in marriage.
00:00:21.260 | "We have prayed about it and both of our churches
00:00:23.000 | "are very supportive of our relationship
00:00:24.980 | "and future marriage.
00:00:26.240 | "The problem is that we don't make enough money.
00:00:28.660 | "She makes enough to contribute
00:00:30.080 | "to our relationship financially, but I do not.
00:00:33.000 | "I've asked my church to reevaluate my salary,
00:00:35.620 | "but they cannot afford to raise it.
00:00:38.440 | "I work 40-plus hours a week in ministry
00:00:40.420 | "and put in 30-plus hours a week in classes.
00:00:43.620 | "If I take on a second job,
00:00:44.940 | "I'll be neglecting my girlfriend,
00:00:46.500 | "my ministry, and my education.
00:00:48.920 | "So what do I do?"
00:00:50.260 | First of all, let me commend our friend
00:00:54.500 | for being the one to write with this question
00:00:58.040 | instead of assuming that his girlfriend
00:00:59.800 | should take the initiative to do that.
00:01:01.480 | I think that's a good sign that he is ready to step up
00:01:05.220 | and do what needs to be done.
00:01:07.000 | I hope so.
00:01:08.000 | I'm not a believer in long engagements.
00:01:10.320 | Seems to me that there is something,
00:01:12.200 | especially in our culture, that is unnatural and unwise
00:01:17.200 | when a couple knows that they're heading for marriage
00:01:21.720 | and others have confirmed that wisdom.
00:01:24.460 | Unnatural to keep putting it off
00:01:27.080 | for various practical reasons.
00:01:30.120 | Seems to me that in general,
00:01:31.880 | if two single people can make a living
00:01:34.140 | and get along on their own,
00:01:36.080 | then they can probably make a living
00:01:38.200 | and get along together.
00:01:40.120 | So when Noel and I believed it was time to be married,
00:01:43.560 | after two years of knowing that it was time to be married,
00:01:47.720 | and the reason we hadn't moved sooner
00:01:49.160 | is 'cause her dad wanted her to finish school,
00:01:52.240 | so I submitted.
00:01:53.980 | We finally moved forward
00:01:57.300 | without having all the practical questions answered.
00:02:00.580 | In the same way that a single person
00:02:02.960 | might launch out in life
00:02:05.160 | without having all the questions answered
00:02:07.260 | about how ends are gonna meet.
00:02:10.060 | We just decided that we'd rather starve together,
00:02:13.180 | if necessary, than be comfortable alone, so to speak.
00:02:20.740 | If I were doing this face-to-face with our friend,
00:02:25.240 | I would be filled with questions at this point.
00:02:29.080 | I would be digging into him and his fiance
00:02:34.040 | to find out about their motivations,
00:02:37.040 | their personalities, their discipline,
00:02:40.600 | their capacities for change and sacrifice,
00:02:43.960 | and what the practical options are,
00:02:46.440 | but here I am sitting at my desk
00:02:49.600 | and don't know them,
00:02:52.020 | and so I'm gonna have to go with generality, so here we go.
00:02:54.780 | I think there are five or six options in front of you.
00:02:57.660 | Number one, you could continue to wait
00:03:00.300 | until your schooling is done,
00:03:02.540 | and you have a better-paying job,
00:03:04.820 | and then move forward.
00:03:06.300 | I discourage that option,
00:03:08.460 | assuming that everybody has given the green light
00:03:10.500 | for your marriage that putting it off and putting it off
00:03:14.020 | doesn't seem wise to me.
00:03:15.480 | Number two, your fiance could try
00:03:18.100 | to get a new, better-paying job
00:03:20.320 | so that she could support you
00:03:21.780 | during the remaining years in school while you're married.
00:03:24.840 | That's the way Noelle and I did it.
00:03:26.400 | She worked as a secretary in two different ways
00:03:30.100 | during my schooling years
00:03:31.800 | and was a homemaker for 40-plus years afterwards.
00:03:36.440 | That was the deal,
00:03:37.820 | and she was so gracious to help in that way.
00:03:41.280 | Third, you could resign your position at the church
00:03:44.320 | and look for a better-paying job.
00:03:46.200 | I don't know the degree of your commitment to that church
00:03:48.560 | or what the expectations are,
00:03:51.460 | but that's one option.
00:03:52.940 | Fourth, and this is the one I would encourage you
00:03:55.360 | to think hardest about,
00:03:57.360 | can you not really lower your expenses
00:04:01.880 | as a married couple
00:04:03.800 | so that you can actually live on the combined salaries?
00:04:08.360 | Really, come on.
00:04:09.500 | Do you have expectations of how you must live
00:04:14.680 | that make this seem impossible when it's really not?
00:04:18.480 | Are those expectations necessary?
00:04:21.060 | Your food's not gonna cost any more
00:04:23.380 | than when you live together.
00:04:25.040 | Depending on where you live now,
00:04:26.960 | you might be able to find a rental situation
00:04:28.960 | that's just as cheap as what you both are doing now,
00:04:31.720 | and so on.
00:04:32.560 | My guess is you've thought a lot about this,
00:04:36.000 | but I don't know,
00:04:37.840 | and I wonder if you are willing to make the sacrifices
00:04:43.820 | so that you can be together.
00:04:46.140 | And fifth is part of four, really.
00:04:50.980 | As part of that fourth option,
00:04:53.880 | you might negotiate with your church.
00:04:57.060 | If they can't give you a raise,
00:04:58.700 | perhaps they could give you access to a living situation,
00:05:02.140 | like a bedroom in somebody's house or a basement
00:05:05.580 | or some attached apartment or something
00:05:08.900 | that the church would pick up
00:05:10.700 | or that would just be offered free
00:05:12.780 | by a member in the church who believes in you
00:05:14.900 | for a couple of years,
00:05:17.060 | and so you get your living situation free
00:05:20.180 | as part of the deal for working at the church.
00:05:22.680 | And the last thing I would say is try to discern
00:05:25.700 | if God's leading and calling is on you
00:05:29.080 | to move forward now with marriage.
00:05:31.240 | Is it God's time?
00:05:33.320 | I know that's subjective and difficult to tell,
00:05:36.660 | but is it God's time?
00:05:38.980 | And if you sense that it is,
00:05:41.860 | as Noelle and I did,
00:05:43.420 | then expect God to do wonderful things
00:05:47.220 | to make life together possible.
00:05:49.460 | And as part of that, pray together.
00:05:52.100 | Pray earnestly together that the Lord would open the door
00:05:56.180 | for this good thing in your life called marriage.
00:06:00.620 | - Beautiful, thank you, Pastor John.
00:06:02.260 | This episode was targeting a couple in ministry.
00:06:04.900 | We also released episode number 295,
00:06:06.900 | which is titled "RB2 Financially Unstable to Get Married"
00:06:10.500 | and it has some other factors to keep in mind,
00:06:12.580 | especially when it comes to the provisional capacity
00:06:14.660 | of the man involved.
00:06:15.900 | Check that out, number 295 in the archive.
00:06:19.640 | Well, we are always becoming like what we most admire.
00:06:23.860 | It's one of the most fundamental dynamics
00:06:25.580 | of the Christian life.
00:06:26.580 | It's one of the most fundamental dynamics
00:06:28.240 | of what it means to be human.
00:06:29.860 | John Piper will explain tomorrow how this works.
00:06:31.940 | I'm your host, Tony Ranke.
00:06:32.780 | Thanks for making the Ask Pastor John podcast
00:06:34.660 | a part of your day.
00:06:35.620 | (upbeat music)
00:06:38.200 | (upbeat music)
00:06:40.780 | [BLANK_AUDIO]