How Can I Encourage Without Flattering?

00:00:04.000 | Welcome back to the podcast. Recently we've been talking about how we serve and praise God.

00:00:09.000 | A week ago we looked at what it means to serve God, one of the most important questions a Christian can ask,

00:00:15.000 | Pastor John said, and that was back in EBJ 1956.

00:00:19.000 | And that led to the question, "What do we offer God as we serve Him? Does He need us?"

00:00:25.000 | And the answer to that question was, "No, He does not need us. We meet no need in Him."

00:00:32.000 | So then, what do we offer Him as we serve Him? It's another essential question to resolve,

00:00:37.000 | and that was last time in EBJ 1957.

00:00:40.000 | Today we look at praise, but a different kind of praise than what we've been talking about on the podcast recently.

00:00:46.000 | Today we're talking about praise in the context of celebrating one another.

00:00:51.000 | How do we celebrate one another authentically and do so without flattery, which is a sin?

00:00:57.000 | Today's question is from Sarah, a listener who writes us this,

00:01:00.000 | "Pastor John, hello. Can you explain to me the difference between flattery and encouragement?

00:01:06.000 | We are called to encourage one another, but also to not puff one another up in pride.

00:01:11.000 | How can I know which one is which?"

00:01:15.000 | There is such a thing as flattery. Not all getting is good, so we have the word greed, right?

00:01:24.000 | And not all giving is good, so we have the word bribe.

00:01:30.000 | Praise, which involves both getting and giving, may not be good, and so we have the word flattery.

00:01:38.000 | The Greek word for flattery, kolikia, occurs one time in the New Testament.

00:01:48.000 | Paul is defending his ministry to the Thessalonians, and he says,

00:01:53.000 | "We never came with flattering speech, as you know, nor with a pretext for greed,

00:02:01.000 | nor did we seek glory from men, either from you or from others."

00:02:07.000 | And it's, I think, more than coincidental that flattery occurs in that sentence with the word greed.

00:02:15.000 | In other words, I want something from you.

00:02:17.000 | You're kind of getting at the heart of flattery when you think about that.

00:02:20.000 | The idea of flattery is present, without the word, in Jude 1:16,

00:02:27.000 | where Jude accuses certain men of admiring persons for the sake of their own advantage.

00:02:34.000 | That's the idea. You're admiring and you're saying nice things about somebody for the sake of your own advantage.

00:02:40.000 | Now, lots more is said about flattery in the Old Testament than in the New.

00:02:46.000 | The word flattery is built on the Hebrew word for smooth or slippery.

00:02:53.000 | So, a person who flatters is smoothing and caressing.

00:02:59.000 | "The lips of an adulteress drip honey, and smoother than oil is her speech," or that's Proverbs 5:3.

00:03:08.000 | Here's 721. "With her many persuasions she entices him, and with her flattering lips she seduces him."

00:03:19.000 | The most general statement about flattery in its destructive effects is Proverbs 26-28.

00:03:26.000 | "A flattering mouth works ruin," or Proverbs 29-5.

00:03:32.000 | A man who flatters his neighbor is spreading a net for his steps.

00:03:38.000 | So, the key question becomes, how can we celebrate or praise good things about another person

00:03:48.000 | without spreading a net for their feet or working their ruin?

00:03:54.000 | I think the key is to keep in mind the essential difference between good praise and bad flattery.

00:04:04.000 | Flattery is bad because it's calculated.

00:04:08.000 | It's given with a view to obtaining some advantage, Jude 1:16.

00:04:15.000 | Flattery may be true, it may be not true.

00:04:18.000 | Sometimes people think it has to do with whether it's true or not.

00:04:20.000 | That's not the issue. You may be saying something true about somebody and still be flattering.

00:04:25.000 | That's not the issue.

00:04:26.000 | The issue is whether it's calculated to achieve some purpose that is not rooted in the authentic,

00:04:35.000 | spontaneous delight that we take in the virtue we are praising.

00:04:42.000 | In other words, the key mark of genuine, non-flattering praise is that it's the overflow of authentic delight

00:04:52.000 | in what we're observing about the other person.

00:04:55.000 | It's the opposite of calculation. It's spontaneous.

00:04:59.000 | Lewis, C.S. Lewis, one of my favorite quotes, he says,

00:05:03.000 | "We delight to praise what we enjoy because the praise not only expresses but completes the enjoyment.

00:05:15.000 | It is its appointed consummation."

00:05:18.000 | Yes, exactly right.

00:05:20.000 | But flattery does not flow from a sincere delight in the thing being praised.

00:05:27.000 | It's all external and manipulative.

00:05:30.000 | It's elicited out of us by some other benefit that we're hoping to get through the flattery,

00:05:37.000 | not by the benefit that we just got from the person's kindness or virtue or beauty or accomplishment.

00:05:45.000 | So flattery is a form of hypocrisy.

00:05:49.000 | We try to give the impression that we are being moved by a spontaneous delight in something we admire,

00:05:56.000 | but we're not really being moved by spontaneous admiration.

00:06:01.000 | We're being calculating and we're desiring to use praise to get something.

00:06:09.000 | I think the very phrase "use praise" makes me gag.

00:06:13.000 | Like, you're going to go to God and use praise?

00:06:16.000 | Ick! You know, it's a horrible way to think, and it's pretty prevalent today.

00:06:22.000 | So this raises the question of whether it's appropriate to "use praise"

00:06:29.000 | as a means of bringing about behaviors in children or employees or friends.

00:06:37.000 | Doesn't that imply some kind of calculated use of praise for ulterior motives?

00:06:44.000 | And that's a tough question.

00:06:46.000 | I think the answer goes something like this.

00:06:48.000 | If the praise can still be an expression of authentic, spontaneous delight in some good that we have observed,

00:07:01.000 | and if our goal is that the child or the friend do more of that behavior,

00:07:09.000 | not for the sake of praise, but because it's intrinsically beautiful in God honoring,

00:07:17.000 | then it's legitimate to hope that our praise will produce more good behavior.

00:07:24.000 | But in general, I think it's dangerous to think of our praise of others,

00:07:30.000 | including our children, in utilitarian terms.

00:07:34.000 | Children are going to catch on to this eventually.

00:07:37.000 | They're going to say, "I don't think Daddy really enjoyed what I just did.

00:07:40.000 | He's just trying to use it to get me to do something."

00:07:43.000 | Namely, thinking that our praise will bring about behaviors that we want,

00:07:48.000 | that kids are going to catch on to that.

00:07:51.000 | It's not going to be authentic.

00:07:52.000 | Our parents are going to start thinking like psychologically trained manipulators.

00:07:59.000 | Far better to be the kind of person, the kind of parent,

00:08:03.000 | who sees God-given virtue or God-given achievements and being so authentically stirred

00:08:13.000 | with admiration and joy that we spill over with praise.

00:08:19.000 | And of course, it's going to have wonderful effects on our relationships

00:08:24.000 | and on the future behaviors of our kids and others.

00:08:27.000 | But if we start making the utilitarian dimension of praise prominent,

00:08:34.000 | which it is being made prominent today, if we start making it prominent,

00:08:39.000 | it will cease to be authentic, and in the long run, I think it will backfire.

00:08:44.000 | Just one last help.

00:08:47.000 | I have friends who have taught me that a good way to conceive of our praising

00:08:55.000 | other people is to think of it as drawing attention, spontaneously enjoying

00:09:02.000 | and thus drawing attention to "evidences of God's grace."

00:09:07.000 | That little phrase is pretty common in some circles, and I think it's a good one.

00:09:12.000 | If we believe that in sinful human beings, all virtue is ultimately from God,

00:09:21.000 | which it is, then all praising of true virtue or true accomplishments

00:09:28.000 | or any beautiful traits that we see will be conceived of as honoring God,

00:09:33.000 | not just man.

00:09:35.000 | So it is a good thing in a family, in a church, among friends,

00:09:40.000 | to habitually call attention to "evidences of grace" in each other's lives,

00:09:47.000 | to say to our children in a dozen ways--don't have to be mechanical about this--

00:09:52.000 | in a dozen ways, "I love what God is doing in your life.

00:09:56.000 | That was so good of the way you shared your toys with Jimmy."

00:10:00.000 | Kids aren't going to think, "Oh, Daddy's preaching."

00:10:03.000 | Not if it's authentic. Not if it's authentic and you really feel joy

00:10:08.000 | in what your child just did and joy in the grace of God.

00:10:12.000 | But my earnest plea--last thing I'll say--my earnest plea is try to avoid

00:10:18.000 | utilitarian, calculated approaches which turn spontaneity into manipulation.

00:10:25.000 | That's the soil of flattery.

00:10:28.000 | A wonderful definition of flattery and how to avoid it in our hearts

00:10:31.000 | and a great little primer on pointing out evidences of grace in each other's lives.

00:10:37.000 | Thank you, Pastor John, and thanks for joining us today.

00:10:39.000 | If you want to ask Pastor John, email your question to us at

00:10:42.000 | AskPastorJohn@DesiringGod.org

00:10:46.000 | Well, the Bible says Christians have been saved, and it says we will be saved,

00:10:52.000 | and it says we are being saved right now.

00:10:55.000 | We are being saved. We're going to look at that last one,

00:10:58.000 | the present tense "being saved" next time.

00:11:02.000 | How are we being saved right now?

00:11:05.000 | That's the question. I'm your host, Tony Reinke.

00:11:06.000 | We'll find out on Monday. We'll see you then.

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