Welcome back to the podcast. Recently we've been talking about how we serve and praise God. A week ago we looked at what it means to serve God, one of the most important questions a Christian can ask, Pastor John said, and that was back in EBJ 1956. And that led to the question, "What do we offer God as we serve Him?

Does He need us?" And the answer to that question was, "No, He does not need us. We meet no need in Him." So then, what do we offer Him as we serve Him? It's another essential question to resolve, and that was last time in EBJ 1957. Today we look at praise, but a different kind of praise than what we've been talking about on the podcast recently.

Today we're talking about praise in the context of celebrating one another. How do we celebrate one another authentically and do so without flattery, which is a sin? Today's question is from Sarah, a listener who writes us this, "Pastor John, hello. Can you explain to me the difference between flattery and encouragement?

We are called to encourage one another, but also to not puff one another up in pride. How can I know which one is which?" There is such a thing as flattery. Not all getting is good, so we have the word greed, right? And not all giving is good, so we have the word bribe.

Praise, which involves both getting and giving, may not be good, and so we have the word flattery. The Greek word for flattery, kolikia, occurs one time in the New Testament. Paul is defending his ministry to the Thessalonians, and he says, "We never came with flattering speech, as you know, nor with a pretext for greed, nor did we seek glory from men, either from you or from others." And it's, I think, more than coincidental that flattery occurs in that sentence with the word greed.

In other words, I want something from you. You're kind of getting at the heart of flattery when you think about that. The idea of flattery is present, without the word, in Jude 1:16, where Jude accuses certain men of admiring persons for the sake of their own advantage. That's the idea.

You're admiring and you're saying nice things about somebody for the sake of your own advantage. Now, lots more is said about flattery in the Old Testament than in the New. The word flattery is built on the Hebrew word for smooth or slippery. So, a person who flatters is smoothing and caressing.

"The lips of an adulteress drip honey, and smoother than oil is her speech," or that's Proverbs 5:3. Here's 721. "With her many persuasions she entices him, and with her flattering lips she seduces him." The most general statement about flattery in its destructive effects is Proverbs 26-28. "A flattering mouth works ruin," or Proverbs 29-5.

A man who flatters his neighbor is spreading a net for his steps. So, the key question becomes, how can we celebrate or praise good things about another person without spreading a net for their feet or working their ruin? I think the key is to keep in mind the essential difference between good praise and bad flattery.

Flattery is bad because it's calculated. It's given with a view to obtaining some advantage, Jude 1:16. Flattery may be true, it may be not true. Sometimes people think it has to do with whether it's true or not. That's not the issue. You may be saying something true about somebody and still be flattering.

That's not the issue. The issue is whether it's calculated to achieve some purpose that is not rooted in the authentic, spontaneous delight that we take in the virtue we are praising. In other words, the key mark of genuine, non-flattering praise is that it's the overflow of authentic delight in what we're observing about the other person.

It's the opposite of calculation. It's spontaneous. Lewis, C.S. Lewis, one of my favorite quotes, he says, "We delight to praise what we enjoy because the praise not only expresses but completes the enjoyment. It is its appointed consummation." Yes, exactly right. But flattery does not flow from a sincere delight in the thing being praised.

It's all external and manipulative. It's elicited out of us by some other benefit that we're hoping to get through the flattery, not by the benefit that we just got from the person's kindness or virtue or beauty or accomplishment. So flattery is a form of hypocrisy. We try to give the impression that we are being moved by a spontaneous delight in something we admire, but we're not really being moved by spontaneous admiration.

We're being calculating and we're desiring to use praise to get something. I think the very phrase "use praise" makes me gag. Like, you're going to go to God and use praise? Ick! You know, it's a horrible way to think, and it's pretty prevalent today. So this raises the question of whether it's appropriate to "use praise" as a means of bringing about behaviors in children or employees or friends.

Doesn't that imply some kind of calculated use of praise for ulterior motives? And that's a tough question. I think the answer goes something like this. If the praise can still be an expression of authentic, spontaneous delight in some good that we have observed, and if our goal is that the child or the friend do more of that behavior, not for the sake of praise, but because it's intrinsically beautiful in God honoring, then it's legitimate to hope that our praise will produce more good behavior.

But in general, I think it's dangerous to think of our praise of others, including our children, in utilitarian terms. Children are going to catch on to this eventually. They're going to say, "I don't think Daddy really enjoyed what I just did. He's just trying to use it to get me to do something." Namely, thinking that our praise will bring about behaviors that we want, that kids are going to catch on to that.

It's not going to be authentic. Our parents are going to start thinking like psychologically trained manipulators. Far better to be the kind of person, the kind of parent, who sees God-given virtue or God-given achievements and being so authentically stirred with admiration and joy that we spill over with praise.

And of course, it's going to have wonderful effects on our relationships and on the future behaviors of our kids and others. But if we start making the utilitarian dimension of praise prominent, which it is being made prominent today, if we start making it prominent, it will cease to be authentic, and in the long run, I think it will backfire.

Just one last help. I have friends who have taught me that a good way to conceive of our praising other people is to think of it as drawing attention, spontaneously enjoying and thus drawing attention to "evidences of God's grace." That little phrase is pretty common in some circles, and I think it's a good one.

If we believe that in sinful human beings, all virtue is ultimately from God, which it is, then all praising of true virtue or true accomplishments or any beautiful traits that we see will be conceived of as honoring God, not just man. So it is a good thing in a family, in a church, among friends, to habitually call attention to "evidences of grace" in each other's lives, to say to our children in a dozen ways--don't have to be mechanical about this-- in a dozen ways, "I love what God is doing in your life.

That was so good of the way you shared your toys with Jimmy." Kids aren't going to think, "Oh, Daddy's preaching." Not if it's authentic. Not if it's authentic and you really feel joy in what your child just did and joy in the grace of God. But my earnest plea--last thing I'll say--my earnest plea is try to avoid utilitarian, calculated approaches which turn spontaneity into manipulation.

That's the soil of flattery. A wonderful definition of flattery and how to avoid it in our hearts and a great little primer on pointing out evidences of grace in each other's lives. Thank you, Pastor John, and thanks for joining us today. If you want to ask Pastor John, email your question to us at AskPastorJohn@DesiringGod.org Well, the Bible says Christians have been saved, and it says we will be saved, and it says we are being saved right now.

We are being saved. We're going to look at that last one, the present tense "being saved" next time. How are we being saved right now? That's the question. I'm your host, Tony Reinke. We'll find out on Monday. We'll see you then.