How Do We Raise Kids Who Are Not Naive or Cynical?
00:00:00.000 | A really good parenting question in the inbox today.
00:00:07.840 | How do we raise kids who are not naive and not cynical?
00:00:10.840 | It's a question from a dad, a listener to the podcast named Rick in Fort Worth, Texas.
00:00:15.880 | Hello Pastor John.
00:00:17.400 | Matthew 10 16 says we are to be shrewd as snakes and innocent as doves.
00:00:22.440 | As we raise our children we don't want them to be gullible or naive, yet we also don't
00:00:26.440 | want them to be hard-hearted and cynical.
00:00:28.640 | How then do we shape their perspectives in preparing them for this world?
00:00:32.760 | What mistakes and consequences can be the result of this effort?
00:00:37.720 | Well this is such a good question because it reflects a very mature grasp of one of
00:00:45.560 | the main paradoxes of the Christian life.
00:00:48.680 | On the one hand, Jesus is sending us out into the world like sheep amid wolves, and sheep
00:00:55.620 | are very vulnerable.
00:00:57.800 | They're not viewed as belligerent.
00:00:59.360 | Nobody's afraid of a sheep biting them.
00:01:04.400 | But on the other hand, we are to be wise and discerning and mature and stable and strong
00:01:11.240 | and shrewd and not duped by the winds of false teaching.
00:01:16.520 | So there it is, the paradox, and he's got it.
00:01:19.040 | We're to be on the one hand humble and lowly, counting others more significant than ourselves,
00:01:25.880 | and yet on the other hand, unwavering in our convictions, full of courage, because Proverbs
00:01:33.360 | says the righteous are as bold as a lion.
00:01:36.080 | So Rick, it seems to me, has a pretty good grasp of the challenge in front of us, not
00:01:42.520 | only to be this way, but to raise kids who become adults who are this way.
00:01:49.040 | Now I don't know that I can say anything he wouldn't think of on his own, since he's
00:01:55.000 | got such a good handle on this, it seems to me, but I'll try.
00:01:59.080 | Let me make four suggestions, and I think it will be obvious what sorts of mistakes
00:02:06.000 | could arise in the effort to carry out these suggestions.
00:02:09.520 | We'll see.
00:02:10.720 | Number one, from the earliest age, teach the children from the Bible, day in and day out,
00:02:20.600 | with specific biblical statements about this paradox of shrewdness like snakes and innocence
00:02:31.080 | like doves, and fill out the teachings with stories from the Bible, and then maybe stories
00:02:38.760 | from Christian history or biography or from the current day.
00:02:43.360 | Whenever you see someone in a biography or in history or in missions or in contemporary
00:02:48.480 | life, illustrate the paradox, point it out, help the children see the beauty of it and
00:02:54.120 | how much you admire it, and they should admire it.
00:02:58.640 | Let me give a specific example of the kind of teaching I mean when I say pick out specific
00:03:05.080 | sentences to illustrate what this paradox looks like.
00:03:10.600 | I'm really influenced here by what I've been thinking about recently, because we at Desiring
00:03:16.000 | God have tried to articulate a core value that gets at this very thing.
00:03:21.040 | I'll mention the name of it in just a minute.
00:03:23.920 | It says in Ephesians 4.2, "To walk in a manner worthy of our calling as Christians."
00:03:32.760 | And then it gives three words, more than three, but I'll just mention the first three.
00:03:38.280 | Being lowly and meek and long-suffering.
00:03:43.680 | Those three words.
00:03:45.240 | So we read that to our children, and then we ask them, "What do you think those three
00:03:50.520 | words mean?
00:03:51.680 | Let's talk about lowly.
00:03:53.860 | What is lowly?
00:03:55.940 | Humble because of our sin and what terrible suffering it took to save us and how dependent
00:04:01.700 | we are on God all the time.
00:04:04.040 | Lowly and meek, dove-like, sheep-like, a way of life that fits in with lowliness and long-suffering,
00:04:14.360 | not getting angry easily, not returning evil for evil."
00:04:19.760 | And then you pause and you press in further with your kids as you work through what those
00:04:25.880 | words mean, modeling for the kids how to take words of Scripture seriously.
00:04:31.440 | And you ask, "What is the way of life that Paul calls meek, that's supposed to fit with
00:04:38.760 | this lowliness of attitude?"
00:04:42.200 | And then you show them.
00:04:43.840 | I'm thinking of this right now just because in my working through Ephesians in "Look
00:04:49.160 | at the Book" on Ephesians 4-2, this is what I did.
00:04:52.720 | And this was so incredibly fresh to me.
00:04:55.920 | I'd never seen these three verses together like this.
00:04:58.160 | So I asked the question to myself, and now I'm asking it to my imaginary kids in front
00:05:02.000 | of me.
00:05:03.000 | What are some illustrations of what meekness looks like?
00:05:06.680 | Because we want to get this right here.
00:05:08.040 | We don't want meekness to look like it isn't.
00:05:11.120 | And here are the three illustrations.
00:05:13.040 | Galatians 6-1, "If anyone is caught in a transgression, you who are spiritual should
00:05:19.840 | restore him in a spirit of meekness, keeping watch over yourself, lest you too be tempted."
00:05:28.160 | Now here's the catcher.
00:05:30.520 | It takes a lot of guts, a lot of courage to confront somebody in a bad behavior.
00:05:35.780 | It's just so much easier to sweep it under the rug.
00:05:38.540 | Somebody else is just ignoring it, and you're going to go to him with courage, confront
00:05:44.080 | him, but you're going to do it in meekness.
00:05:46.800 | So meekness is that courageous, lowly way of doing it.
00:05:52.480 | Here's the second illustration.
00:05:55.560 | Second Timothy 2-24, "The Lord's servant must not be quarrelsome, but kind to everyone,
00:06:00.280 | able to teach, patiently enduring evil."
00:06:02.880 | And here comes correcting his opponents with meekness.
00:06:08.580 | Now there it is again.
00:06:09.580 | The first illustration from Galatians was correct their behavior.
00:06:12.720 | The second illustration is correct their doctrine.
00:06:15.260 | And that may even require more courage, depending on what kind of person they are.
00:06:21.060 | But you're going to get in their face, tell them what you believe about this is not true,
00:06:25.300 | but you're going to do it with meekness.
00:06:28.600 | So meekness is combined in those two instances with courage.
00:06:32.340 | Here's the third one.
00:06:33.780 | First Peter 3-15, "Have no fear of them, nor be troubled, but always be prepared to
00:06:40.100 | give a reason for the hope that is in you, yet do it with meekness and respect, having
00:06:47.700 | a good conscience, so that when you are slandered, those who revile your good behavior in Christ
00:06:54.820 | may be put to shame."
00:06:55.820 | So meekness stands in front of people who are perhaps gnashing their teeth and ready
00:07:01.180 | to revile you and slander you and speaks a witness for Jesus, courageously, boldly, and
00:07:09.300 | yet with meekness.
00:07:12.780 | So you step back then with those three illustrations out there for your kids, and you say, "So
00:07:18.820 | what is meekness?
00:07:20.380 | What is a meek person like?"
00:07:23.500 | And the answer is courage, courage, courage, courage, correcting behaviors, correcting
00:07:28.480 | teachings, bearing witness in front of slanderers, but all of it with a gentle and humble demeanor.
00:07:37.180 | Now that's going to be a paradox for them.
00:07:40.060 | They're going to wrestle with for the rest of their lives.
00:07:42.260 | But oh my, to return to it again and again and again in our Bible reading would be wonderful.
00:07:48.600 | And then you might illustrate it from Acts 5, where the apostles have been beaten for
00:07:55.740 | their witness, and it says in 541, "Then they left the presence of the council rejoicing,
00:08:03.460 | rejoicing that they were counted worthy to suffer dishonor for the name."
00:08:09.100 | So meekness is willing to take suffering, and it is so content in God, so confident
00:08:17.340 | in God, that it rejoices in the suffering.
00:08:21.340 | So you teach from specific texts and stories and illustrations about this paradox of courage
00:08:29.620 | and meekness.
00:08:30.620 | And the second thing would be simply to look for sharp, clear, memorable, provocative phrases
00:08:40.740 | that can sum up what you're trying to get across.
00:08:43.420 | Now that's what we've been doing at Desiring God, and we've hit upon two phrases.
00:08:48.000 | One is called brokenhearted boldness, and the other is contrite courage.
00:08:53.280 | And that's one of our core values now, because we want to try to get at this paradox in a
00:08:58.240 | very controversial, strident, angry age we live in, and look at what courage looks like.
00:09:06.800 | What is it supposed to look like when Christians are courageous?
00:09:10.420 | Are they supposed to be brash and braggart and loud and strident?
00:09:16.480 | Or is there another way?
00:09:18.640 | And so I think finding a phrase that you repeat year after year for your kids, so that when
00:09:24.200 | they leave home 20 years from now, they'll remember, "Well, there was something called
00:09:28.600 | brokenhearted boldness.
00:09:30.000 | There was something called contrite courage that my dad believed in, and I'd like to discover
00:09:36.600 | it again."
00:09:37.600 | And the third thing I would suggest is be a model for your children in this.
00:09:43.080 | Be bold, be humble, be courageous, be contrite.
00:09:46.440 | Over time, they're going to see this.
00:09:49.360 | And one special form of modeling that I think is really important in this media-saturated
00:09:54.680 | time where you're looking at the news, you're looking at videos, you're looking at YouTube,
00:09:58.560 | you're looking at all kinds of things, and you see stuff you can't stand.
00:10:01.760 | It really bothers you.
00:10:03.060 | It's so harmful.
00:10:04.320 | It's so unbiblical.
00:10:06.240 | And the kids know that you feel that way about it, and they're watching.
00:10:09.520 | Now, how's dad, how's mom going to respond to these things they so strongly disagree
00:10:15.080 | with?
00:10:16.080 | Well, you want to model for them by saying, "Now, this is wrong.
00:10:20.640 | This is hurtful.
00:10:22.160 | This dishonors God."
00:10:25.320 | But you want to show them how do you love your enemy at that moment.
00:10:29.640 | And you might pause at that very moment, turn off the news and pray.
00:10:35.840 | Pray for the person who you just criticized because of how destructive their view was.
00:10:42.500 | And the kids will learn.
00:10:43.500 | You can be a sharp, careful, incisive critic of the culture, and yet you might love it
00:10:51.520 | and care for it and pray for it as you ought.
00:10:56.860 | And the last thing I would say is don't be joyless.
00:11:00.640 | Be full of joy.
00:11:03.000 | I look back on my parents' effort to give me strong convictions in the midst of worldliness
00:11:09.160 | that they thought was encroaching on every side, even back in the '50s and '60s.
00:11:15.000 | And I think the key that won me over so that I embrace their faith today, the key was that
00:11:24.040 | they were both not only Bible-saturated with high moral standards, but they were the happiest
00:11:30.760 | people I think I've ever known.
00:11:34.480 | I took it for granted growing up, but now I look back on some of the things they went
00:11:39.880 | through in their marriage and in finances and in culture and in disputes, and I marvel
00:11:46.400 | that they were as happy as they were.
00:11:48.460 | So joy in the Lord in the midst of hardship is a great evidence to the children that Christ
00:11:56.520 | is real.
00:11:57.960 | It doesn't guarantee that they will embrace the truth and the beauty of Christ, but it
00:12:03.200 | is a powerful attraction.
00:12:04.760 | Yeah, amen.
00:12:05.760 | Thank you, Pastor John, and thank you for the excellent parenting question, Rick, in
00:12:09.480 | Fort Worth, Texas.
00:12:11.400 | Wherever you live, and we have listeners now spread out all across the globe, we publish
00:12:15.880 | this podcast online three times a week with over 1,500 episodes now in the archive.
00:12:20.800 | You can find them, subscribe, or send us a question of your own.
00:12:24.600 | All of that can be done online at DesiringGod.org/AskPastorJohn.
00:12:30.320 | Well I believe on Monday when we return, we're going to talk about our past sins and our
00:12:33.480 | past regrets.
00:12:34.480 | Specifically, when looking at Romans 8:28, does Paul mean to say that even my past sins,
00:12:41.440 | too, are working together for my future good?
00:12:45.920 | Really, really important question.
00:12:48.520 | Oh man.
00:12:49.520 | Do our past sinful regrets work together for our future good?
00:12:54.920 | I'm Tony Reinke.
00:12:57.360 | We'll see you after the weekend.
00:12:58.360 | Thanks for watching.
00:12:59.360 | God bless.
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