How Do I Process Personal Criticism?

00:00:00.000 | (upbeat music)

00:00:02.580 | Well, on Monday on the podcast,

00:00:05.800 | we open the week talking about gossip

00:00:08.120 | and why it's so tempting to speak badly

00:00:10.640 | about other people behind their backs

00:00:13.280 | in order to harm their own reputation.

00:00:16.040 | And I'm still thinking about all the hard issues

00:00:17.640 | that we talked about in a very important

00:00:19.400 | and helpful episode.

00:00:20.240 | If you didn't listen to it,

00:00:21.720 | I would encourage you to do so.

00:00:23.360 | Today, we talk about the grace

00:00:24.720 | of receiving personal criticism from others

00:00:27.040 | and learning from those criticisms

00:00:28.480 | for our own personal growth.

00:00:30.600 | There are some incredibly vivid Proverbs on this theme,

00:00:34.840 | like Proverbs 17, 10.

00:00:37.120 | "A rebuke goes deeper into a man of understanding

00:00:40.560 | "than a hundred blows into a fool."

00:00:44.720 | Wow, so how do we receive rebuke

00:00:47.920 | as a wise man seeking greater wisdom?

00:00:50.160 | And specifically, Pastor John, how do you do it?

00:00:52.520 | It's the question from an anonymous listener

00:00:54.280 | in Australia who asks this.

00:00:56.280 | Hello, Pastor John.

00:00:57.120 | I was wondering how you deal

00:00:58.520 | with personal criticisms from others.

00:01:00.340 | How do you process them, learn from them,

00:01:02.780 | and determine which ones are accurate

00:01:04.840 | and which ones are not?

00:01:06.960 | - That question, of course, is all the more relevant

00:01:11.880 | in a day of social media

00:01:14.020 | when you not only have a few dozen people

00:01:17.080 | in your family and church or neighborhood

00:01:19.720 | or network at work who might criticize you

00:01:22.640 | and you can deal with face to face,

00:01:24.980 | but you have a few million people

00:01:26.780 | who might get wind of your opinion on Twitter

00:01:32.200 | or Facebook or blog or wherever you happen to be talking.

00:01:36.360 | They might get wind of your opinion

00:01:37.840 | and call you the most vile names in the world.

00:01:42.680 | In one sense, this world of social media is unrealistic

00:01:48.800 | because we simply can't deal seriously

00:01:54.160 | with thousands of opinions about ourselves.

00:01:57.320 | And yet, on the other hand,

00:01:59.060 | this world of social media is a glimpse into reality

00:02:04.060 | because it does give a clearer sense

00:02:08.640 | of how divided the world really is

00:02:11.500 | and how deeply we would be hated

00:02:14.880 | if more people knew what we believe about Jesus.

00:02:19.420 | And I call it a glimpse into reality

00:02:21.280 | because Jesus himself said in Matthew 24, 9

00:02:25.200 | that we would be hated by all nations.

00:02:28.360 | And if you just operate among five or 10 people,

00:02:30.680 | you don't have any sense of that.

00:02:31.840 | But if you go online, you do.

00:02:33.480 | You do get a sense of being hated by all nations.

00:02:38.020 | So here's my strategy of dealing with criticism.

00:02:43.020 | And for whatever it's worth,

00:02:45.200 | I hope it helps this listener from Australia.

00:02:50.480 | Number one, realize that according to Scripture,

00:02:55.280 | it is wise to be eager to grow through rebuke

00:03:00.280 | rather than eager to defend yourself.

00:03:04.500 | Proverbs 19, 20, listen to advice,

00:03:07.320 | accept instruction that you may gain wisdom in the future.

00:03:11.720 | Proverbs 17, 10, a rebuke goes deeper

00:03:16.040 | into a man of understanding than 100 blows into a fool.

00:03:19.920 | Proverbs 9, 8, reprove a wise man and he'll love you.

00:03:24.840 | Proverbs 19, 25, reprove a man of understanding.

00:03:28.760 | He will gain knowledge.

00:03:30.960 | Psalm 141, 5, let a righteous man strike me.

00:03:35.080 | It is kindness.

00:03:36.560 | Let him rebuke me.

00:03:37.640 | It is oil from my head.

00:03:40.080 | Let my head not refuse it.

00:03:43.000 | So it's wise to want and receive correction,

00:03:48.000 | rebuke, criticism.

00:03:49.340 | Number two, I try to make it my aim to be humble and open

00:03:54.340 | rather than being controlled by anger at words of criticism.

00:04:01.080 | I say, I try.

00:04:02.880 | James 3, 17, but the wisdom from above is first,

00:04:06.360 | pure, peaceable, gentle, open to reason.

00:04:10.320 | I love that little phrase

00:04:11.440 | because the Greek word open to reason there is persuadable.

00:04:16.140 | In other words, you've just said something,

00:04:17.900 | somebody disagrees, they say something back to you

00:04:20.640 | and you are persuadable.

00:04:23.020 | That is, you're gonna listen.

00:04:25.200 | You are willing to be changed if you're wrong.

00:04:30.000 | Or James 1, 19, my beloved brothers,

00:04:34.140 | let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak,

00:04:37.640 | slow to anger.

00:04:39.880 | The anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.

00:04:44.820 | So humility listens, anger pushes back real quickly.

00:04:49.820 | Let's strive to be humble and not quick

00:04:54.880 | and self-defensive in anger.

00:04:57.120 | Number three, when I feel knocked off balance by criticism

00:05:02.120 | or deeply destabilized, which can really happen,

00:05:07.280 | it can go really deep sometimes and shake you deeply,

00:05:11.560 | I pray for God to hold onto me and guide me

00:05:16.560 | and I try to trust his promises.

00:05:19.300 | So Psalm 139, nine, I take,

00:05:23.260 | if I take the wings of the morning

00:05:24.820 | and dwell in the uttermost part of the sea,

00:05:26.700 | even there, your hand shall lead me

00:05:29.620 | and your right hand shall hold me.

00:05:34.220 | I really need to feel that God is holding me

00:05:38.620 | if I'm being pummeled by somebody or hundreds

00:05:43.620 | and feel like I'm being knocked off balance in my life.

00:05:48.500 | Or Psalm 25, 15, my eyes are ever toward the Lord.

00:05:53.380 | He will pluck my feet out of the net.

00:05:55.660 | If I feel like I'm getting all netted

00:05:57.980 | and obstructed and confused, I turn to God's promise,

00:06:02.980 | he will pluck your feet out of the net.

00:06:06.900 | Or Psalm 25, eight and nine, good and upright is the Lord,

00:06:10.780 | therefore he instructs sinners in the way.

00:06:14.340 | He'll instruct me, he'll help me know what criticism

00:06:17.100 | is to be embraced and which ones I have to let go.

00:06:21.020 | He leads the humble in what is right,

00:06:23.380 | he teaches the humble his way.

00:06:27.020 | Or Psalm 25, 14, the friendship,

00:06:30.140 | and the literal translation there is the inner counsels,

00:06:34.120 | the friendship, the counsel of the Lord

00:06:36.800 | is for those who fear him,

00:06:38.660 | and he makes known to them his covenant.

00:06:40.420 | So I wanna draw near to God in reverential fear

00:06:44.300 | and believe he's going to give me stability,

00:06:47.540 | he's gonna pluck my feet out, he's gonna hold onto me,

00:06:50.100 | he's going to instruct me and get me through

00:06:52.020 | this emotional mess of criticism.

00:06:56.380 | Number four, I try to test everything by the word of God,

00:07:02.720 | not just by my preferences or tradition.

00:07:06.000 | And that includes testing not just ideas,

00:07:09.980 | but also attitudes and behaviors.

00:07:13.900 | Test everything, hold fast to what is good,

00:07:16.060 | 1 Thessalonians 5, 21, or Psalm 119, 24,

00:07:20.760 | your testimonies are my delight, they are my counselors.

00:07:25.760 | So what if you're criticized for being unloving?

00:07:32.920 | 1 John 5, 2 is a real stabilizing help.

00:07:36.520 | It says, "By this we know that we love the children of God,

00:07:41.520 | "when we love God and obey his commandments."

00:07:47.360 | In other words, the measure is not just my feeling wobbly

00:07:52.360 | right now that I just got criticized

00:07:54.680 | for being loving or unloving,

00:07:57.120 | the question is, was I in obedience to his commandments,

00:08:02.120 | his word, was I following his word

00:08:06.100 | when I said what he said or did what I did?

00:08:09.860 | So measure the criticisms by the word of God.

00:08:14.020 | Number five, this is so practically important,

00:08:18.200 | for me anyway, give yourself time

00:08:22.240 | to consider the criticism before you speak,

00:08:25.500 | because the flesh, my flesh,

00:08:29.180 | is quick to strike out in defense.

00:08:32.460 | And I'm thinking, first, Tony, of marriage.

00:08:36.360 | (laughing)

00:08:38.380 | The person who corrects me most often

00:08:41.980 | in the universe is my wife, all right?

00:08:45.340 | And my guess is most spouses would say this,

00:08:49.260 | because you drive together

00:08:50.640 | and she didn't think you should make that turn

00:08:52.440 | or the way you, whatever, you know.

00:08:55.920 | Well, here's Ecclesiastes 7, 8, and 9.

00:08:58.700 | Better is the end of a thing than the beginning.

00:09:03.080 | And the patient in spirit

00:09:05.900 | is better than the proud in spirit.

00:09:08.360 | Be not quick in your spirit to become angry,

00:09:13.360 | for anger lodges in the heart of fools.

00:09:17.840 | Ecclesiastes 7, 8, and 9.

00:09:20.520 | Oh, how many times I have struck out quickly

00:09:25.520 | in self-defense toward Noel, my wife,

00:09:31.580 | and had to eat my words within 10 minutes

00:09:37.500 | because she was right.

00:09:40.680 | A quick tongue is notoriously unreliable.

00:09:48.160 | Give yourself time.

00:09:50.640 | Don't have knee-jerk, self-defensive reactions.

00:09:55.640 | Try to kill that impulse.

00:09:58.900 | The flesh does not like to be criticized

00:10:02.400 | and lashes out quickly, but the spirit is gentle

00:10:06.880 | and you give the spirit time,

00:10:09.020 | he will reveal your sin or her sin,

00:10:12.560 | and it will be dealt with in a godly way.

00:10:17.300 | Six, surround yourselves with enough people

00:10:22.000 | who can give balanced assessment

00:10:24.460 | of what you're being criticized for.

00:10:26.880 | Proverbs 11, 14, where there is no guidance

00:10:31.320 | of people falls, but in an abundance of counselors,

00:10:35.360 | there is safety.

00:10:36.440 | And I would say safety, not just from outside,

00:10:39.160 | but safety from your own despair

00:10:42.000 | over how many people have criticized you.

00:10:44.480 | And there are 10 people who know you,

00:10:46.720 | and if eight of them say, no, no, no, no, no,

00:10:49.000 | you have not done what they say you have done,

00:10:53.960 | that's a huge stabilizing force.

00:10:58.040 | This is especially true

00:11:01.320 | when assessing really serious criticism.

00:11:04.160 | We need to ask wise counselors whether they see in us

00:11:09.160 | the things we're being criticized for.

00:11:14.360 | One last thing, number seven.

00:11:16.520 | In the end, we do what Jesus did when he was abused.

00:11:21.520 | This is whether it's true or not.

00:11:23.240 | I mean, right or wrong, when we're criticized,

00:11:25.840 | he entrusted himself to him who judges justly.

00:11:30.680 | First Peter 2, 23.

00:11:32.400 | For us, us sinners, that means we do not pass

00:11:37.400 | final judgment on ourselves,

00:11:41.880 | and others do not pass final judgment on us.

00:11:46.140 | God has the final word in Christ,

00:11:51.140 | and it's our only hope that he would treat us graciously

00:11:56.640 | because of Christ.

00:11:59.360 | None of us is without sin,

00:12:02.000 | and therefore probably there's a grain of truth

00:12:04.640 | in every criticism,

00:12:06.520 | but the gospel will keep us from sinking in despair.

00:12:11.520 | - Yeah, this is so important.

00:12:13.400 | Thank you, Pastor John.

00:12:14.480 | This is good balance here to listening to criticism

00:12:17.340 | and then drawing in others to help parse out

00:12:19.820 | what criticisms are most accurate.

00:12:22.300 | And thank you for listening and making the podcast

00:12:24.220 | a part of your week.

00:12:25.300 | Three times a week we publish,

00:12:26.560 | and you can subscribe to our audio feeds

00:12:28.460 | and search our past episodes in our archive,

00:12:31.020 | and even reach us by email with a question of your own,

00:12:33.020 | questions as they relate to friendship

00:12:35.020 | and the grace of giving and receiving rebuke.

00:12:38.340 | You can do all that through our online home

00:12:39.940 | at desiringgod.org/askpastorjohn.

00:12:44.300 | Well, I know a lot of you are listening

00:12:46.480 | on your drive to work or from work,

00:12:49.440 | and we spend so much of our lives invested in working.

00:12:52.740 | So how do we not waste our jobs?

00:12:56.060 | And how do we pursue excellence and pleasing God

00:12:58.240 | nine to five or eight to five,

00:13:00.080 | or whenever your shift starts and ends?

00:13:02.080 | That's the question on Friday when we return.

00:13:04.800 | I'm your host, Tony Reinke,

00:13:05.800 | and thanks for joining us once again

00:13:07.000 | on the Ask Pastor John podcast

00:13:08.280 | with longtime pastor and author, John Piper.

00:13:11.160 | We'll see you next time.

00:13:12.360 | (upbeat music)

00:13:14.940 | (upbeat music)

00:13:17.520 | [BLANK_AUDIO]

How Do I Process Personal Criticism?

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