The Hardest Act in Parenting Teens
00:00:00.000 | (upbeat music)
00:00:02.580 | - Well, today we look at parenting,
00:00:06.020 | particularly parenting through the teen years.
00:00:09.560 | Parenting teens is full of pressures and challenges,
00:00:12.260 | and one source of those pressures are the demands
00:00:15.120 | and the questions put on mom and dad,
00:00:18.980 | for which there are no easy answers.
00:00:21.380 | We're trying to help our teens think for themselves
00:00:23.880 | with discernment in a very complex world,
00:00:27.560 | and it is one of the pressures that Pastor John
00:00:29.720 | has identified as a trigger in men
00:00:32.560 | of what we call a midlife crisis,
00:00:34.840 | a crisis that often hits a dad in his early 40s
00:00:38.040 | when he has teens at home.
00:00:40.160 | We saw that connection in APJ 1173.
00:00:44.840 | Dads as leaders bear a particular calling to their homes
00:00:49.040 | of self-sacrificing leadership,
00:00:51.380 | all to avoid giving the devil a foothold in our homes.
00:00:56.400 | Ephesians 4, 26 and 27 raises the stakes that high
00:01:00.000 | when it commands us, quote, "Be angry and do not sin.
00:01:04.200 | "Do not let the sun go down on your anger
00:01:06.880 | "and give no opportunity to the devil," end quote.
00:01:11.880 | High stakes.
00:01:13.920 | In a 2007 sermon on this text,
00:01:15.640 | Pastor John spoke directly to dads of teens.
00:01:17.800 | He began with a word on modesty,
00:01:19.500 | but then transitioned to talk about a dad's hardest role
00:01:23.480 | in parenting teenagers.
00:01:26.680 | "There are spiritual dangers, brothers,
00:01:29.760 | "coming at our families from every side today,
00:01:33.400 | "innumerable and subtle.
00:01:37.280 | "We need valiant warriors as never before,
00:01:42.080 | "but not with spears and shield,
00:01:44.440 | "but with biblical discernment and courage.
00:01:47.760 | "Husbands, pray for your wife and children
00:01:54.080 | "every day without fail,
00:01:57.160 | "over and over again during the day.
00:01:59.700 | "Protect them, protect them.
00:02:01.620 | "Lead them in paths of righteousness.
00:02:03.760 | "Don't let them go into temptation.
00:02:05.960 | "Guard their lives, make their marriages work,
00:02:08.680 | "make their children strong, protect them.
00:02:11.260 | "Oh my God, that's your job,
00:02:14.640 | "to call down from God, hour by hour,
00:02:18.100 | "blessing on this family.
00:02:20.760 | "That's what headship means."
00:02:24.120 | Prayer for them.
00:02:26.040 | Then set standards for your wife and children.
00:02:32.240 | Work them through with your wife.
00:02:35.640 | Here again, primary responsibility means
00:02:38.560 | talk to her about it.
00:02:40.280 | She's probably got some better ideas than you,
00:02:43.160 | but taking initiative to talk is what she so longs for.
00:02:48.080 | Women are not eager to be dominated.
00:02:50.760 | They're eager for their husbands to take initiative
00:02:53.240 | to make things happen in the moral sphere of their marriage.
00:02:57.480 | Would you please help me set some standards for these kids
00:03:00.960 | and then help me carry this through?
00:03:02.920 | She shouldn't have to say that.
00:03:04.520 | She wants you to step up.
00:03:07.640 | Let's do this together.
00:03:09.560 | Take some initiative.
00:03:10.600 | We gotta figure out what this kid's gonna watch on TV.
00:03:14.120 | We gotta figure out what movies they're gonna go to.
00:03:16.560 | We gotta figure out what music is coming into this house,
00:03:19.040 | and we gotta figure out how low that neckline is going.
00:03:22.160 | And that's mainly your job, Dad.
00:03:25.560 | Now on that last one, I'm fully aware
00:03:31.320 | that it is mainly mom and daughter
00:03:34.080 | that work that out from age two months to 22.
00:03:44.040 | However, Dad, they desperately need your input on this.
00:03:49.040 | They need you to celebrate when they get it right
00:03:57.760 | and look beautiful and modest.
00:04:01.920 | And they need you to say,
00:04:04.960 | "You're not going out of the house with that on."
00:04:07.440 | Here's another one.
00:04:10.600 | The Bible is very clear
00:04:13.280 | about one of the most dangerous intruders
00:04:17.080 | spiritually in the family.
00:04:18.920 | Let me read it to you from Ephesians 4, 26.
00:04:22.360 | "Do not let the sun go down on your anger.
00:04:24.800 | Give no opportunity to the devil."
00:04:29.000 | How is the devil allowed into a teenager's bedroom?
00:04:34.520 | How is the devil allowed at night
00:04:39.600 | into a married couple's bedroom?
00:04:43.120 | Answer, when they go to bed angry.
00:04:46.600 | If you go to bed angry night after night after night,
00:04:52.720 | that kid's seething at you in there
00:04:55.400 | and no steps at reconciliation have happened,
00:04:57.920 | the devil, the door, he just thrown open wide.
00:05:02.000 | And the havoc he can wreak over weeks, months, and years
00:05:10.960 | to destroy a soul, a marriage, and a family is awesome.
00:05:15.560 | So what are you gonna do?
00:05:19.840 | I'll tell you, Dad, this is where headship is so hard
00:05:23.840 | no woman would ever want it.
00:05:25.440 | This is the hardest thing in the world.
00:05:30.800 | Headship means you must initiate reconciliation.
00:05:40.760 | No matter how many times it's been her fault
00:05:44.400 | or the kid's fault, you have not the luxury as head
00:05:49.360 | to say, "She did it, and if she doesn't say she's sorry,
00:05:53.120 | I'm hitting the pillow."
00:05:55.320 | No way.
00:05:56.280 | Justice might say, "Yes, that's the right way to act."
00:06:01.880 | But let me ask you this,
00:06:03.200 | is that the way Jesus treated his bride?
00:06:08.800 | How many times has he come back to her and back to her?
00:06:13.800 | You, you, how many times he come back to you
00:06:17.320 | and back to you and back to you and back to you
00:06:19.480 | saying, "Here I am, ready to make up."
00:06:22.600 | A thousand times, 70 times, seven times, seven times,
00:06:29.560 | seven he has come back to you
00:06:33.560 | when it's your fault and not his.
00:06:36.840 | And he took the initiative to make it right.
00:06:39.920 | He died to make it right.
00:06:42.520 | Will we husbands say, "It's her turn."
00:06:45.760 | Yes, we will, without the Holy Spirit.
00:06:50.800 | This is impossible without Christ.
00:06:55.080 | You don't wanna be heads, women,
00:06:57.800 | because I'm holding the men accountable
00:07:03.080 | that this family not go to bed angry at night.
00:07:07.280 | You knock on that teenager's door.
00:07:09.840 | Oh, this can be sweet brothers.
00:07:11.760 | This is as hard as it gets.
00:07:13.600 | You knock on that door
00:07:14.880 | and any little increment of fault that you bear
00:07:18.800 | over against his many faults, you confess it.
00:07:22.160 | Not many things will break a teenager, but that might.
00:07:30.000 | To walk in and say, "Son,
00:07:32.000 | my reaction to what you did was over the top.
00:07:36.280 | What you did was wrong.
00:07:37.320 | That's not the issue here.
00:07:39.080 | But my reaction to it was over the top.
00:07:40.920 | I wanna apologize and say, it wasn't in love.
00:07:44.640 | I just got out of control and I'm sorry.
00:07:47.320 | And I'd like you to forgive me."
00:07:49.400 | You talk about sweet sleep.
00:07:52.400 | You talk about healing balms in the mind and the soul, dads.
00:07:56.760 | Now I'm not naive.
00:07:59.320 | Good night.
00:08:00.160 | I've been married 38 years.
00:08:01.400 | There are attempts at peace that don't work, all right?
00:08:06.720 | But you've got to try.
00:08:09.160 | You get down on your knees.
00:08:11.160 | Noelle and I have knelt beside each other
00:08:13.200 | and we haven't hardly been able to pray.
00:08:15.400 | We just kneel there in silence.
00:08:18.880 | Who's gonna pray first?
00:08:19.960 | Neither of us feel like praying.
00:08:22.080 | We're so upset and these hinder your prayers big time.
00:08:27.720 | And you can just eke out, "God, help us.
00:08:31.560 | I want it to be better."
00:08:34.160 | It's your job, dad.
00:08:37.640 | Hardest thing in the world.
00:08:40.320 | Keep the devil out of the bedroom
00:08:43.120 | and out of the kids' rooms
00:08:45.160 | by not letting the sun go down on your anger
00:08:47.880 | in as much as it lies within you.
00:08:50.960 | - The hardest thing in the world,
00:08:53.560 | initiating reconciliation.
00:08:55.520 | Strong words, strong urgency,
00:08:57.960 | strong encouragement for all dads of teens.
00:09:01.600 | That was from a 2007 sermon titled,
00:09:03.600 | "Lionhearted and Lamb-like,
00:09:05.280 | What Does It Mean to Lead, Part Two?"
00:09:07.840 | You can find the full message at desiringgod.org.
00:09:10.680 | And this episode on anger reminds me
00:09:13.720 | of an episode from 2017.
00:09:15.800 | We recorded where Pastor John said, quote,
00:09:18.480 | "Anger kills marriages way more often
00:09:21.240 | than sexual misconduct does," end quote.
00:09:25.400 | I remember that one.
00:09:26.360 | If you've been listening since 2017,
00:09:28.120 | you might remember that episode.
00:09:29.280 | That was an episode called, "The Great Marriage Killer,"
00:09:32.160 | ABJ 1100, back in 2017.
00:09:35.480 | You can find ABJ 1100 at askpastorjohn.com.
00:09:40.480 | Maybe you were not listening in 2017,
00:09:44.240 | but if you've been listening for the past 18 months or so,
00:09:47.040 | you might remember ABJ 1699,
00:09:50.120 | "Why Did God Make Me Unattractive?"
00:09:54.040 | That became a fairly popular episode
00:09:55.720 | and it generated quite a lot of follow-up questions,
00:09:57.920 | including one we will field next time.
00:10:00.480 | I'm your host Tony Rehnke,
00:10:01.400 | and we are rejoined in studio with Pastor John on Friday.
00:10:04.520 | We'll see you then.
00:10:05.440 | (upbeat music)
00:10:08.040 | (upbeat music)
00:10:10.640 | (upbeat music)
00:10:13.240 | you