How-to-survive-the-pressure-as-a-sole-income-earning-parent
00:00:00.000 | Hello everybody, it's Sam from Financial Samurai and in this podcast
00:00:03.200 | I'm gonna talk about how to survive the pressure as a sole income earning parent
00:00:09.360 | So before my son was born, I read several books on how to become a better parent after all
00:00:15.060 | This is my first son and I wanted to be prepared and I also knew that a lot of couples
00:00:21.120 | Divorced after having kids and I knew the statistic that
00:00:25.680 | Marital happiness declines by something like 80 to 90 percent in the first few
00:00:31.160 | Years and that's some serious stuff. So I didn't want to mess around
00:00:35.680 | So I spent hours and hours reading as many books as possible
00:00:39.600 | And what I noticed is that a lot of the books talked about you know, how to be a supportive
00:00:46.120 | Husband this for my example, right during the pregnancy process and then how to be a supportive husband
00:00:54.320 | After she gives birth talking about postpartum depression talking about support mental support
00:00:59.480 | physical support
00:01:02.080 | Working through work issues and stuff like that, but there was never really much said about
00:01:09.160 | supporting the sole income earning parent now, it's interesting because
00:01:15.880 | To me obviously being a full-time parent is much much harder than being a day job worker
00:01:23.240 | It really is folks. I mean you have no idea if you have don't have kids
00:01:27.200 | It is so much harder to be a full-time parent because of the stakes, right?
00:01:32.560 | So one look away, you know could be really devastating
00:01:35.320 | However at work you can slack off chill out at the water cooler
00:01:39.600 | talk trash about your colleagues and your boss attend social events and
00:01:44.160 | Drink copious amounts of free alcohol and everything will probably be okay
00:01:48.920 | However as an emotionally competent sole income earning parent you face the following issues
00:01:54.880 | One you have this constant stress of knowing that you have to provide for your family with no financial backup
00:02:01.680 | So it's hard enough to provide for a spouse who doesn't work
00:02:05.200 | But if you have an amazing amazing little one who depends on you for everything
00:02:10.480 | Because he or she doesn't know better and doesn't have any skills. Well that stress ramps up
00:02:15.720 | - you have a constant guilt for being away from your child because of work, right?
00:02:20.960 | You are choosing money and work over your child and that's hard for some people
00:02:25.160 | Three you're not able to find support because a day job is considered the easier job, right?
00:02:32.240 | I'm talking about mental support from other people who can empathize with you and then finally, you know
00:02:38.960 | It's the expectation of having to do an equal amount of parenting after a long day's work
00:02:43.760 | Now some of you might find that to be strange
00:02:46.960 | but in
00:02:48.960 | 2018 and modern society there is a strong pressure for you not to only be a income provider, but also a
00:02:56.320 | Equal partner in parenting as well
00:02:59.040 | So many couples fight over this division of labor the sole income provider often wants to come home
00:03:04.840 | Have a drink eat dinner, maybe watch some TV and relax before jumping into parenting duties
00:03:10.480 | Especially after a rough day. Meanwhile, the stay-at-home parent who has been going non-stop since the little one woke up at 6 a.m
00:03:17.520 | Is probably not gonna have any of that
00:03:20.800 | He or she might resent the expectation of you wanting to come home and chillax
00:03:25.000 | Because nothing is as energy-sapping as caring for an infant, right?
00:03:28.920 | The stakes are so high and the sole income provider is resentful for not being allowed to take even half an hour to unwind
00:03:36.000 | So you can clearly see how problems ensue and why marital happiness takes a big nose dive down in the first several years
00:03:43.840 | So in this podcast and in the post
00:03:46.200 | I want to see if we can help the sole income providing parent get him or her to a happier place
00:03:51.640 | Now if you want to focus on the stay-at-home parent
00:03:54.320 | Well, this one's not for you because there are books and books and books written about how to help support that stay-at-home parent
00:04:01.320 | Which is more likely the mom. So I've got six points. I want to discuss
00:04:06.440 | first take everybody's opinion with a grain of salt
00:04:10.000 | Guilt comes from inherently knowing spending more time taking care of your child is better than spending less time
00:04:17.360 | Especially in the crucial first five years of development
00:04:20.880 | Guilt also stems from other people's opinions about what you should do
00:04:25.360 | Especially if people criticize you for choosing work and money over being a parent. It's good to get advice from more experienced parents
00:04:33.240 | Absolutely, that's that's one of the secrets to life. Just ask people who've been there before
00:04:37.240 | However as a writer who shares my struggles in finance and in fatherhood
00:04:42.480 | I've come to realize that whatever you put out there will be judged
00:04:46.320 | Further a lot of parents project their guilt on to you due to their lack of parenting
00:04:52.360 | for example
00:04:53.640 | I shared with readers in my 2018 mid-year review that I wanted to provide six hours of joyful assistance or
00:05:00.960 | Primary care to my wife and son during his waking hours. So he's up for about 12 hours a day
00:05:06.440 | I use the word assistance because during the first year of life
00:05:10.680 | Breastfeeding is constant and I do not have the ability to breastfeed as a man and trust me
00:05:17.200 | I looked up whether there were any breastfeeding contraptions for men, but couldn't find a viable solution
00:05:23.240 | So I use the words primary care so that I take full charge for a couple hours in the morning
00:05:28.680 | Especially after a rough night because my son really didn't sleep well or at least seven eight hours
00:05:34.360 | consistently non-stop for the first
00:05:38.000 | Ten to twelve months really because we didn't do the cry it out method because we didn't have anywhere to go to for work
00:05:44.880 | And then I also wanted to provides a couple hours in the afternoon of primary care
00:05:49.680 | So she could have time to herself to relax and do whatever she wants to catch up on things and on my quote off hours
00:05:55.920 | Which were on my work hours really I get to work writing and managing our investments
00:06:01.440 | Which itself could be a full-time job in order for my wife to be a stay-at-home mom with me
00:06:07.240 | Seems like a reasonable effort, right? I don't know just trying I think is is an important thing that everybody should do just try harder
00:06:15.480 | But not according to a reader named Sarah who ignored my words primary care and wrote Sam
00:06:22.960 | I can't believe I didn't catch this before
00:06:25.860 | Quote assistance to your wife
00:06:28.560 | really
00:06:30.760 | parenting cooking cleaning etc are part of being an adult and a parent and
00:06:36.000 | Equally your responsibility as hers. This is in the 1950s
00:06:40.960 | You're not assisting your wife. You're being a responsible adult in a relationship who shares childcare and
00:06:48.520 | Housekeeping duties. I can't believe this is even a goal of yours
00:06:52.360 | It's certainly not something you should celebrate if you achieve it as it's really the bare minimum
00:06:58.080 | Standard of being a parent and a spouse
00:07:00.600 | so whoa, I
00:07:03.040 | Read that I was thinking
00:07:04.840 | Really Sarah here. I am putting myself out there
00:07:08.080 | Trying to do more parenting going from four hours to six hours. He's awake for 12 hours a day and
00:07:16.840 | I was thinking hey, maybe I can assist for half the time
00:07:20.200 | He's awake and here you are bashing me over the head for trying and it was really interesting
00:07:26.560 | I was totally confused by her comment because it seemed really really
00:07:30.720 | Unempathetic one and then she followed up and said look I
00:07:36.720 | Send my child to daycare
00:07:39.320 | And I'll see myself really so you're bashing me for trying to take more care of my son
00:07:46.520 | While you and your husband decide to send your child to daycare so you can work all day
00:07:52.760 | It totally was a messed up situation, right?
00:07:55.840 | and so this type of judgment is why people why parents feel so guilty and
00:08:01.760 | So this is a comment where you could see how it could start a huge fight after coming home from a full day of work
00:08:08.600 | If you're the sole income provider
00:08:10.600 | You can also see how some men are too afraid to be stay-at-home dads due to the criticism and lack of support from other
00:08:18.480 | Parents, you know when stay-at-home dads just make up 2% of all stay-at-home
00:08:22.240 | Parents, it's easy to get overrun by the majority
00:08:25.760 | So I just really want folks to be more empathetic to those other parents your fellow parents
00:08:32.480 | Don't make it a competition and to support them for trying because we all know it's really really difficult
00:08:39.720 | So the only right way is what you and your spouse decide is the right way through constant dialogue
00:08:45.680 | You need that constant dialogue. It's your life. Don't let anybody come between you and your partner
00:08:51.080 | Certainly don't let other parents project their guilt onto you
00:08:55.040 | We're trying to do better. Well, Sarah did end up apologizing in the end and that's cool. I accepted that apology
00:09:01.080 | Just know that whatever things that you're trying to go through just deal with them yourself
00:09:06.720 | There's no use putting other people down
00:09:09.320 | To be explicitly clear about the budget money stress is strong when you're the only one generating income
00:09:16.840 | so if you're the stay-at-home spouse really realize this as
00:09:19.760 | A result make sure you and your spouse know your exact
00:09:24.080 | After-tax income in order to calculate how much of the income can be spent on supporting the family while also saving for retirement
00:09:30.800 | Paying down debt and saving for your child's education
00:09:35.120 | Don't just break down your expense budget by month figure out how much the family can spend by week and stick to it
00:09:40.840 | After each week review the actual expenses with the budget and give yourselves a high-five celebrate when you spend less
00:09:48.200 | This exercise will help reduce the sole income providers anxiety
00:09:53.160 | Because there will always be a little worry when even the person you trust the most is in charge of spending
00:09:58.800 | Now before our son was born
00:10:00.920 | I gave my wife a carte blanche green light to spend as much as she needed to prepare for our son's arrival
00:10:05.800 | you know, we signed up for Amazon Prime and
00:10:08.160 | She got everything and she was awesome and getting everything that we needed that our son needed
00:10:13.280 | After our son was born the green light continued for a full year without us discussing a single item of expense and in retrospect
00:10:21.200 | This was a bad move
00:10:22.560 | We should have reviewed our budget because after the first year I began carrying some anxiety
00:10:27.360 | For months that we were spending about two and a half times more than reality
00:10:31.960 | So it felt like such a relief after I actually saw the expense report when she tallied up the numbers
00:10:38.800 | three
00:10:40.840 | Practice gratitude you're able to work and have a stay-at-home spouse
00:10:44.800 | Gratitude always helps dissolve any festering resentment or bitterness
00:10:49.160 | Instead of seeing being a sole income provider as a burden see it as a luxury and as an honor
00:10:56.880 | Two parent households where both parents work full-time
00:11:00.080 | Today account for about 46 percent of the population compared to just 31 percent in the 1970s
00:11:07.280 | This is according to Pew Research Center. Now. Why is that? Well, it's simple
00:11:11.680 | It just costs more and more to live with housing prices
00:11:16.480 | Tuition and childcare. It's tough because wage inflation is not keeping pace
00:11:23.080 | So if you can have the person you love and trust the most take care of your child full-time
00:11:27.840 | Before going off to preschool or kindergarten. It's a wonderful blessing remind each other daily of this luxury
00:11:34.920 | For know that it gets better after your child goes to preschool or kindergarten
00:11:39.680 | a child usually starts preschool between the age of
00:11:42.640 | Two to three and kindergarten between the ages of five and six
00:11:46.480 | Therefore no matter how much pain and suffering and frustration you're dealing with now
00:11:50.920 | Know that your schedule will get easier for both of you within six years for a developmentally normal child
00:11:57.200 | As soon as you commit to a timeline goal, everything becomes easier to accomplish
00:12:01.560 | For example, a lot of people ask me how can I continue to publish several times a week since 2009?
00:12:08.820 | Well to me, it's not that hard because I set a goal and I said I wouldn't do it for ten years in a row
00:12:15.880 | Ten years so that ten-year anniversary is in 2019 July and so to quit now would be a travesty. I'm so close
00:12:22.560 | So I'm just gonna keep on going no matter what sure there will be more child raising issues that come up as your little one ages
00:12:29.720 | But with more sleep and free time during the day you can do a lot more things
00:12:34.800 | five
00:12:37.000 | Take mental sick days very seriously feeling the pressure to provide is not a physical pressure
00:12:43.520 | It's a mental pressure feeling the guilt of not being able to raise your children
00:12:47.640 | Instead paying someone you don't really know to raise your children can be mental torture
00:12:53.320 | When your mind breaks down you don't do your best work you become irritable
00:12:58.440 | Combative and sometimes very volatile mental illness can lead to neglect
00:13:04.280 | fights over stupid things
00:13:06.920 | adultery
00:13:08.480 | Divorce and sometimes even suicide. So for goodness sake, please don't be ashamed to take all your sick and vacation days
00:13:15.160 | Please know the Family and Medical Leave Act is a federal law that guarantees certain employees
00:13:20.520 | Up to 12 work weeks of unpaid leave each year with no threat of job loss
00:13:25.520 | Be open with your colleagues about why you need time off if they are good people
00:13:29.680 | Especially if they have families of their own they'll understand and then finally six
00:13:36.080 | Have your stay-at-home spouse generate some income if gratitude
00:13:40.560 | budgeting
00:13:42.440 | patience taking time off and
00:13:44.600 | Ignoring other parents opinions don't work. The only solution left is to have your spouse start earning income again
00:13:52.120 | the income can be generated preferably through freelance work or through a part-time job and
00:13:57.800 | preferably after your son or daughter starts sleeping better and
00:14:02.000 | preferably after they start going to school and
00:14:05.840 | If you can run your own business from home even better
00:14:08.400 | some households
00:14:10.640 | Simply cannot afford to have one spouse stay at home until their little one goes to preschool or kindergarten
00:14:15.160 | I understand that money stress can really strain a relationship
00:14:19.120 | Even if being a stay-at-home spouse is worth a hundred thousand dollar plus your job
00:14:24.320 | Just know that there are now plenty of ways to make money online
00:14:28.200 | Now through freelance marketplaces like up work based here in San Francisco or task rabbit
00:14:34.520 | There are a dozen things you can do from design and creative to admin support like data entry
00:14:41.000 | transcription web research to customer service
00:14:44.320 | sales and marketing
00:14:46.840 | writing IT and networking
00:14:48.840 | analytics
00:14:50.880 | translation legal engineering architecture accounting and consulting and
00:14:55.200 | You have no skills in any of that
00:14:57.600 | You can always perhaps drive for uber or lyft like I did
00:15:01.640 | When I gave over 500 rides to check it out and see what it was like
00:15:04.960 | Just know there are a lot of things you can do now to make money from the comfort of your own home
00:15:10.600 | Not only is my wife an amazing mom. She is also an amazing online business partner
00:15:16.040 | I couldn't have done it without her for so long
00:15:18.460 | Once our son started sleeping for at least seven to eight hours stretches on a regular basis
00:15:23.760 | She began updating older posts with fresh content and writing new pages on top of the quarterly bookkeeping that she does
00:15:30.440 | Not only did her work help our business. It also gave her a lot of pride and satisfaction as well
00:15:36.080 | So definitely get your spouse involved if she or he has more time as the sole income earning spouse
00:15:43.160 | Although it may not seem like you're doing enough when you come home to a tired and stressed out spouse who sometimes
00:15:48.600 | Will make you feel guilty for being away from the house all day
00:15:51.240 | Know that you are doing a great great service to your family
00:15:55.120 | The person you trust the most can be a stay-at-home spouse because of you
00:16:00.200 | Practice gratitude every day keep the dialogue running. So resentment does not build up
00:16:05.240 | Forgive each other the first five years before kindergarten right give each other passes
00:16:10.360 | Don't listen to the criticism of others who don't walk in your shoes
00:16:14.080 | Please take time off to heal your mind and finally cherish every single moment every single moment
00:16:21.440 | I can't believe my son is 16 months old now that time went by so quick and I remember the day
00:16:28.800 | He was born. It was just like yesterday and all these little milestone moments from his first crawl to his first step
00:16:35.680 | To his first babble are priceless
00:16:38.720 | I wouldn't give up anything and I hope everyone can figure out what best works for them
00:16:44.900 | I'd love to hear your thoughts if you are a sole income provider and how you've been able to make things work and how you plan
00:16:51.560 | To make things work going forward. Thanks so much