back to indexHow-to-survive-the-pressure-as-a-sole-income-earning-parent
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Hello everybody, it's Sam from Financial Samurai and in this podcast 00:00:03.200 |
I'm gonna talk about how to survive the pressure as a sole income earning parent 00:00:09.360 |
So before my son was born, I read several books on how to become a better parent after all 00:00:15.060 |
This is my first son and I wanted to be prepared and I also knew that a lot of couples 00:00:21.120 |
Divorced after having kids and I knew the statistic that 00:00:25.680 |
Marital happiness declines by something like 80 to 90 percent in the first few 00:00:31.160 |
Years and that's some serious stuff. So I didn't want to mess around 00:00:35.680 |
So I spent hours and hours reading as many books as possible 00:00:39.600 |
And what I noticed is that a lot of the books talked about you know, how to be a supportive 00:00:46.120 |
Husband this for my example, right during the pregnancy process and then how to be a supportive husband 00:00:54.320 |
After she gives birth talking about postpartum depression talking about support mental support 00:01:02.080 |
Working through work issues and stuff like that, but there was never really much said about 00:01:09.160 |
supporting the sole income earning parent now, it's interesting because 00:01:15.880 |
To me obviously being a full-time parent is much much harder than being a day job worker 00:01:23.240 |
It really is folks. I mean you have no idea if you have don't have kids 00:01:27.200 |
It is so much harder to be a full-time parent because of the stakes, right? 00:01:32.560 |
So one look away, you know could be really devastating 00:01:35.320 |
However at work you can slack off chill out at the water cooler 00:01:39.600 |
talk trash about your colleagues and your boss attend social events and 00:01:44.160 |
Drink copious amounts of free alcohol and everything will probably be okay 00:01:48.920 |
However as an emotionally competent sole income earning parent you face the following issues 00:01:54.880 |
One you have this constant stress of knowing that you have to provide for your family with no financial backup 00:02:01.680 |
So it's hard enough to provide for a spouse who doesn't work 00:02:05.200 |
But if you have an amazing amazing little one who depends on you for everything 00:02:10.480 |
Because he or she doesn't know better and doesn't have any skills. Well that stress ramps up 00:02:15.720 |
- you have a constant guilt for being away from your child because of work, right? 00:02:20.960 |
You are choosing money and work over your child and that's hard for some people 00:02:25.160 |
Three you're not able to find support because a day job is considered the easier job, right? 00:02:32.240 |
I'm talking about mental support from other people who can empathize with you and then finally, you know 00:02:38.960 |
It's the expectation of having to do an equal amount of parenting after a long day's work 00:02:43.760 |
Now some of you might find that to be strange 00:02:48.960 |
2018 and modern society there is a strong pressure for you not to only be a income provider, but also a 00:02:59.040 |
So many couples fight over this division of labor the sole income provider often wants to come home 00:03:04.840 |
Have a drink eat dinner, maybe watch some TV and relax before jumping into parenting duties 00:03:10.480 |
Especially after a rough day. Meanwhile, the stay-at-home parent who has been going non-stop since the little one woke up at 6 a.m 00:03:20.800 |
He or she might resent the expectation of you wanting to come home and chillax 00:03:25.000 |
Because nothing is as energy-sapping as caring for an infant, right? 00:03:28.920 |
The stakes are so high and the sole income provider is resentful for not being allowed to take even half an hour to unwind 00:03:36.000 |
So you can clearly see how problems ensue and why marital happiness takes a big nose dive down in the first several years 00:03:46.200 |
I want to see if we can help the sole income providing parent get him or her to a happier place 00:03:51.640 |
Now if you want to focus on the stay-at-home parent 00:03:54.320 |
Well, this one's not for you because there are books and books and books written about how to help support that stay-at-home parent 00:04:01.320 |
Which is more likely the mom. So I've got six points. I want to discuss 00:04:06.440 |
first take everybody's opinion with a grain of salt 00:04:10.000 |
Guilt comes from inherently knowing spending more time taking care of your child is better than spending less time 00:04:17.360 |
Especially in the crucial first five years of development 00:04:20.880 |
Guilt also stems from other people's opinions about what you should do 00:04:25.360 |
Especially if people criticize you for choosing work and money over being a parent. It's good to get advice from more experienced parents 00:04:33.240 |
Absolutely, that's that's one of the secrets to life. Just ask people who've been there before 00:04:37.240 |
However as a writer who shares my struggles in finance and in fatherhood 00:04:42.480 |
I've come to realize that whatever you put out there will be judged 00:04:46.320 |
Further a lot of parents project their guilt on to you due to their lack of parenting 00:04:53.640 |
I shared with readers in my 2018 mid-year review that I wanted to provide six hours of joyful assistance or 00:05:00.960 |
Primary care to my wife and son during his waking hours. So he's up for about 12 hours a day 00:05:06.440 |
I use the word assistance because during the first year of life 00:05:10.680 |
Breastfeeding is constant and I do not have the ability to breastfeed as a man and trust me 00:05:17.200 |
I looked up whether there were any breastfeeding contraptions for men, but couldn't find a viable solution 00:05:23.240 |
So I use the words primary care so that I take full charge for a couple hours in the morning 00:05:28.680 |
Especially after a rough night because my son really didn't sleep well or at least seven eight hours 00:05:38.000 |
Ten to twelve months really because we didn't do the cry it out method because we didn't have anywhere to go to for work 00:05:44.880 |
And then I also wanted to provides a couple hours in the afternoon of primary care 00:05:49.680 |
So she could have time to herself to relax and do whatever she wants to catch up on things and on my quote off hours 00:05:55.920 |
Which were on my work hours really I get to work writing and managing our investments 00:06:01.440 |
Which itself could be a full-time job in order for my wife to be a stay-at-home mom with me 00:06:07.240 |
Seems like a reasonable effort, right? I don't know just trying I think is is an important thing that everybody should do just try harder 00:06:15.480 |
But not according to a reader named Sarah who ignored my words primary care and wrote Sam 00:06:30.760 |
parenting cooking cleaning etc are part of being an adult and a parent and 00:06:36.000 |
Equally your responsibility as hers. This is in the 1950s 00:06:40.960 |
You're not assisting your wife. You're being a responsible adult in a relationship who shares childcare and 00:06:48.520 |
Housekeeping duties. I can't believe this is even a goal of yours 00:06:52.360 |
It's certainly not something you should celebrate if you achieve it as it's really the bare minimum 00:07:04.840 |
Really Sarah here. I am putting myself out there 00:07:08.080 |
Trying to do more parenting going from four hours to six hours. He's awake for 12 hours a day and 00:07:16.840 |
I was thinking hey, maybe I can assist for half the time 00:07:20.200 |
He's awake and here you are bashing me over the head for trying and it was really interesting 00:07:26.560 |
I was totally confused by her comment because it seemed really really 00:07:30.720 |
Unempathetic one and then she followed up and said look I 00:07:39.320 |
And I'll see myself really so you're bashing me for trying to take more care of my son 00:07:46.520 |
While you and your husband decide to send your child to daycare so you can work all day 00:07:55.840 |
and so this type of judgment is why people why parents feel so guilty and 00:08:01.760 |
So this is a comment where you could see how it could start a huge fight after coming home from a full day of work 00:08:10.600 |
You can also see how some men are too afraid to be stay-at-home dads due to the criticism and lack of support from other 00:08:18.480 |
Parents, you know when stay-at-home dads just make up 2% of all stay-at-home 00:08:22.240 |
Parents, it's easy to get overrun by the majority 00:08:25.760 |
So I just really want folks to be more empathetic to those other parents your fellow parents 00:08:32.480 |
Don't make it a competition and to support them for trying because we all know it's really really difficult 00:08:39.720 |
So the only right way is what you and your spouse decide is the right way through constant dialogue 00:08:45.680 |
You need that constant dialogue. It's your life. Don't let anybody come between you and your partner 00:08:51.080 |
Certainly don't let other parents project their guilt onto you 00:08:55.040 |
We're trying to do better. Well, Sarah did end up apologizing in the end and that's cool. I accepted that apology 00:09:01.080 |
Just know that whatever things that you're trying to go through just deal with them yourself 00:09:09.320 |
To be explicitly clear about the budget money stress is strong when you're the only one generating income 00:09:16.840 |
so if you're the stay-at-home spouse really realize this as 00:09:19.760 |
A result make sure you and your spouse know your exact 00:09:24.080 |
After-tax income in order to calculate how much of the income can be spent on supporting the family while also saving for retirement 00:09:30.800 |
Paying down debt and saving for your child's education 00:09:35.120 |
Don't just break down your expense budget by month figure out how much the family can spend by week and stick to it 00:09:40.840 |
After each week review the actual expenses with the budget and give yourselves a high-five celebrate when you spend less 00:09:48.200 |
This exercise will help reduce the sole income providers anxiety 00:09:53.160 |
Because there will always be a little worry when even the person you trust the most is in charge of spending 00:10:00.920 |
I gave my wife a carte blanche green light to spend as much as she needed to prepare for our son's arrival 00:10:08.160 |
She got everything and she was awesome and getting everything that we needed that our son needed 00:10:13.280 |
After our son was born the green light continued for a full year without us discussing a single item of expense and in retrospect 00:10:22.560 |
We should have reviewed our budget because after the first year I began carrying some anxiety 00:10:27.360 |
For months that we were spending about two and a half times more than reality 00:10:31.960 |
So it felt like such a relief after I actually saw the expense report when she tallied up the numbers 00:10:40.840 |
Practice gratitude you're able to work and have a stay-at-home spouse 00:10:44.800 |
Gratitude always helps dissolve any festering resentment or bitterness 00:10:49.160 |
Instead of seeing being a sole income provider as a burden see it as a luxury and as an honor 00:10:56.880 |
Two parent households where both parents work full-time 00:11:00.080 |
Today account for about 46 percent of the population compared to just 31 percent in the 1970s 00:11:07.280 |
This is according to Pew Research Center. Now. Why is that? Well, it's simple 00:11:11.680 |
It just costs more and more to live with housing prices 00:11:16.480 |
Tuition and childcare. It's tough because wage inflation is not keeping pace 00:11:23.080 |
So if you can have the person you love and trust the most take care of your child full-time 00:11:27.840 |
Before going off to preschool or kindergarten. It's a wonderful blessing remind each other daily of this luxury 00:11:34.920 |
For know that it gets better after your child goes to preschool or kindergarten 00:11:39.680 |
a child usually starts preschool between the age of 00:11:42.640 |
Two to three and kindergarten between the ages of five and six 00:11:46.480 |
Therefore no matter how much pain and suffering and frustration you're dealing with now 00:11:50.920 |
Know that your schedule will get easier for both of you within six years for a developmentally normal child 00:11:57.200 |
As soon as you commit to a timeline goal, everything becomes easier to accomplish 00:12:01.560 |
For example, a lot of people ask me how can I continue to publish several times a week since 2009? 00:12:08.820 |
Well to me, it's not that hard because I set a goal and I said I wouldn't do it for ten years in a row 00:12:15.880 |
Ten years so that ten-year anniversary is in 2019 July and so to quit now would be a travesty. I'm so close 00:12:22.560 |
So I'm just gonna keep on going no matter what sure there will be more child raising issues that come up as your little one ages 00:12:29.720 |
But with more sleep and free time during the day you can do a lot more things 00:12:37.000 |
Take mental sick days very seriously feeling the pressure to provide is not a physical pressure 00:12:43.520 |
It's a mental pressure feeling the guilt of not being able to raise your children 00:12:47.640 |
Instead paying someone you don't really know to raise your children can be mental torture 00:12:53.320 |
When your mind breaks down you don't do your best work you become irritable 00:12:58.440 |
Combative and sometimes very volatile mental illness can lead to neglect 00:13:08.480 |
Divorce and sometimes even suicide. So for goodness sake, please don't be ashamed to take all your sick and vacation days 00:13:15.160 |
Please know the Family and Medical Leave Act is a federal law that guarantees certain employees 00:13:20.520 |
Up to 12 work weeks of unpaid leave each year with no threat of job loss 00:13:25.520 |
Be open with your colleagues about why you need time off if they are good people 00:13:29.680 |
Especially if they have families of their own they'll understand and then finally six 00:13:36.080 |
Have your stay-at-home spouse generate some income if gratitude 00:13:44.600 |
Ignoring other parents opinions don't work. The only solution left is to have your spouse start earning income again 00:13:52.120 |
the income can be generated preferably through freelance work or through a part-time job and 00:13:57.800 |
preferably after your son or daughter starts sleeping better and 00:14:02.000 |
preferably after they start going to school and 00:14:05.840 |
If you can run your own business from home even better 00:14:10.640 |
Simply cannot afford to have one spouse stay at home until their little one goes to preschool or kindergarten 00:14:15.160 |
I understand that money stress can really strain a relationship 00:14:19.120 |
Even if being a stay-at-home spouse is worth a hundred thousand dollar plus your job 00:14:24.320 |
Just know that there are now plenty of ways to make money online 00:14:28.200 |
Now through freelance marketplaces like up work based here in San Francisco or task rabbit 00:14:34.520 |
There are a dozen things you can do from design and creative to admin support like data entry 00:14:41.000 |
transcription web research to customer service 00:14:50.880 |
translation legal engineering architecture accounting and consulting and 00:14:57.600 |
You can always perhaps drive for uber or lyft like I did 00:15:01.640 |
When I gave over 500 rides to check it out and see what it was like 00:15:04.960 |
Just know there are a lot of things you can do now to make money from the comfort of your own home 00:15:10.600 |
Not only is my wife an amazing mom. She is also an amazing online business partner 00:15:16.040 |
I couldn't have done it without her for so long 00:15:18.460 |
Once our son started sleeping for at least seven to eight hours stretches on a regular basis 00:15:23.760 |
She began updating older posts with fresh content and writing new pages on top of the quarterly bookkeeping that she does 00:15:30.440 |
Not only did her work help our business. It also gave her a lot of pride and satisfaction as well 00:15:36.080 |
So definitely get your spouse involved if she or he has more time as the sole income earning spouse 00:15:43.160 |
Although it may not seem like you're doing enough when you come home to a tired and stressed out spouse who sometimes 00:15:48.600 |
Will make you feel guilty for being away from the house all day 00:15:51.240 |
Know that you are doing a great great service to your family 00:15:55.120 |
The person you trust the most can be a stay-at-home spouse because of you 00:16:00.200 |
Practice gratitude every day keep the dialogue running. So resentment does not build up 00:16:05.240 |
Forgive each other the first five years before kindergarten right give each other passes 00:16:10.360 |
Don't listen to the criticism of others who don't walk in your shoes 00:16:14.080 |
Please take time off to heal your mind and finally cherish every single moment every single moment 00:16:21.440 |
I can't believe my son is 16 months old now that time went by so quick and I remember the day 00:16:28.800 |
He was born. It was just like yesterday and all these little milestone moments from his first crawl to his first step 00:16:38.720 |
I wouldn't give up anything and I hope everyone can figure out what best works for them 00:16:44.900 |
I'd love to hear your thoughts if you are a sole income provider and how you've been able to make things work and how you plan 00:16:51.560 |
To make things work going forward. Thanks so much