Hello everybody, it's Sam from Financial Samurai and in this podcast I'm gonna talk about how to survive the pressure as a sole income earning parent So before my son was born, I read several books on how to become a better parent after all This is my first son and I wanted to be prepared and I also knew that a lot of couples Divorced after having kids and I knew the statistic that Marital happiness declines by something like 80 to 90 percent in the first few Years and that's some serious stuff.

So I didn't want to mess around So I spent hours and hours reading as many books as possible And what I noticed is that a lot of the books talked about you know, how to be a supportive Husband this for my example, right during the pregnancy process and then how to be a supportive husband After she gives birth talking about postpartum depression talking about support mental support physical support Working through work issues and stuff like that, but there was never really much said about supporting the sole income earning parent now, it's interesting because To me obviously being a full-time parent is much much harder than being a day job worker It really is folks.

I mean you have no idea if you have don't have kids It is so much harder to be a full-time parent because of the stakes, right? So one look away, you know could be really devastating However at work you can slack off chill out at the water cooler talk trash about your colleagues and your boss attend social events and Drink copious amounts of free alcohol and everything will probably be okay However as an emotionally competent sole income earning parent you face the following issues One you have this constant stress of knowing that you have to provide for your family with no financial backup So it's hard enough to provide for a spouse who doesn't work But if you have an amazing amazing little one who depends on you for everything Because he or she doesn't know better and doesn't have any skills.

Well that stress ramps up - you have a constant guilt for being away from your child because of work, right? You are choosing money and work over your child and that's hard for some people Three you're not able to find support because a day job is considered the easier job, right?

I'm talking about mental support from other people who can empathize with you and then finally, you know It's the expectation of having to do an equal amount of parenting after a long day's work Now some of you might find that to be strange but in 2018 and modern society there is a strong pressure for you not to only be a income provider, but also a Equal partner in parenting as well So many couples fight over this division of labor the sole income provider often wants to come home Have a drink eat dinner, maybe watch some TV and relax before jumping into parenting duties Especially after a rough day.

Meanwhile, the stay-at-home parent who has been going non-stop since the little one woke up at 6 a.m Is probably not gonna have any of that He or she might resent the expectation of you wanting to come home and chillax Because nothing is as energy-sapping as caring for an infant, right?

The stakes are so high and the sole income provider is resentful for not being allowed to take even half an hour to unwind So you can clearly see how problems ensue and why marital happiness takes a big nose dive down in the first several years So in this podcast and in the post I want to see if we can help the sole income providing parent get him or her to a happier place Now if you want to focus on the stay-at-home parent Well, this one's not for you because there are books and books and books written about how to help support that stay-at-home parent Which is more likely the mom.

So I've got six points. I want to discuss first take everybody's opinion with a grain of salt Guilt comes from inherently knowing spending more time taking care of your child is better than spending less time Especially in the crucial first five years of development Guilt also stems from other people's opinions about what you should do Especially if people criticize you for choosing work and money over being a parent.

It's good to get advice from more experienced parents Absolutely, that's that's one of the secrets to life. Just ask people who've been there before However as a writer who shares my struggles in finance and in fatherhood I've come to realize that whatever you put out there will be judged Further a lot of parents project their guilt on to you due to their lack of parenting for example I shared with readers in my 2018 mid-year review that I wanted to provide six hours of joyful assistance or Primary care to my wife and son during his waking hours.

So he's up for about 12 hours a day I use the word assistance because during the first year of life Breastfeeding is constant and I do not have the ability to breastfeed as a man and trust me I looked up whether there were any breastfeeding contraptions for men, but couldn't find a viable solution So I use the words primary care so that I take full charge for a couple hours in the morning Especially after a rough night because my son really didn't sleep well or at least seven eight hours consistently non-stop for the first Ten to twelve months really because we didn't do the cry it out method because we didn't have anywhere to go to for work And then I also wanted to provides a couple hours in the afternoon of primary care So she could have time to herself to relax and do whatever she wants to catch up on things and on my quote off hours Which were on my work hours really I get to work writing and managing our investments Which itself could be a full-time job in order for my wife to be a stay-at-home mom with me Seems like a reasonable effort, right?

I don't know just trying I think is is an important thing that everybody should do just try harder But not according to a reader named Sarah who ignored my words primary care and wrote Sam I can't believe I didn't catch this before Quote assistance to your wife really parenting cooking cleaning etc are part of being an adult and a parent and Equally your responsibility as hers.

This is in the 1950s You're not assisting your wife. You're being a responsible adult in a relationship who shares childcare and Housekeeping duties. I can't believe this is even a goal of yours It's certainly not something you should celebrate if you achieve it as it's really the bare minimum Standard of being a parent and a spouse so whoa, I Read that I was thinking Really Sarah here.

I am putting myself out there Trying to do more parenting going from four hours to six hours. He's awake for 12 hours a day and I was thinking hey, maybe I can assist for half the time He's awake and here you are bashing me over the head for trying and it was really interesting I was totally confused by her comment because it seemed really really Unempathetic one and then she followed up and said look I Send my child to daycare And I'll see myself really so you're bashing me for trying to take more care of my son While you and your husband decide to send your child to daycare so you can work all day It totally was a messed up situation, right?

and so this type of judgment is why people why parents feel so guilty and So this is a comment where you could see how it could start a huge fight after coming home from a full day of work If you're the sole income provider You can also see how some men are too afraid to be stay-at-home dads due to the criticism and lack of support from other Parents, you know when stay-at-home dads just make up 2% of all stay-at-home Parents, it's easy to get overrun by the majority So I just really want folks to be more empathetic to those other parents your fellow parents Don't make it a competition and to support them for trying because we all know it's really really difficult So the only right way is what you and your spouse decide is the right way through constant dialogue You need that constant dialogue.

It's your life. Don't let anybody come between you and your partner Certainly don't let other parents project their guilt onto you We're trying to do better. Well, Sarah did end up apologizing in the end and that's cool. I accepted that apology Just know that whatever things that you're trying to go through just deal with them yourself There's no use putting other people down To be explicitly clear about the budget money stress is strong when you're the only one generating income so if you're the stay-at-home spouse really realize this as A result make sure you and your spouse know your exact After-tax income in order to calculate how much of the income can be spent on supporting the family while also saving for retirement Paying down debt and saving for your child's education Don't just break down your expense budget by month figure out how much the family can spend by week and stick to it After each week review the actual expenses with the budget and give yourselves a high-five celebrate when you spend less This exercise will help reduce the sole income providers anxiety Because there will always be a little worry when even the person you trust the most is in charge of spending Now before our son was born I gave my wife a carte blanche green light to spend as much as she needed to prepare for our son's arrival you know, we signed up for Amazon Prime and She got everything and she was awesome and getting everything that we needed that our son needed After our son was born the green light continued for a full year without us discussing a single item of expense and in retrospect This was a bad move We should have reviewed our budget because after the first year I began carrying some anxiety For months that we were spending about two and a half times more than reality So it felt like such a relief after I actually saw the expense report when she tallied up the numbers three Practice gratitude you're able to work and have a stay-at-home spouse Gratitude always helps dissolve any festering resentment or bitterness Instead of seeing being a sole income provider as a burden see it as a luxury and as an honor Two parent households where both parents work full-time Today account for about 46 percent of the population compared to just 31 percent in the 1970s This is according to Pew Research Center.

Now. Why is that? Well, it's simple It just costs more and more to live with housing prices Tuition and childcare. It's tough because wage inflation is not keeping pace So if you can have the person you love and trust the most take care of your child full-time Before going off to preschool or kindergarten.

It's a wonderful blessing remind each other daily of this luxury For know that it gets better after your child goes to preschool or kindergarten a child usually starts preschool between the age of Two to three and kindergarten between the ages of five and six Therefore no matter how much pain and suffering and frustration you're dealing with now Know that your schedule will get easier for both of you within six years for a developmentally normal child As soon as you commit to a timeline goal, everything becomes easier to accomplish For example, a lot of people ask me how can I continue to publish several times a week since 2009?

Well to me, it's not that hard because I set a goal and I said I wouldn't do it for ten years in a row Ten years so that ten-year anniversary is in 2019 July and so to quit now would be a travesty. I'm so close So I'm just gonna keep on going no matter what sure there will be more child raising issues that come up as your little one ages But with more sleep and free time during the day you can do a lot more things five Take mental sick days very seriously feeling the pressure to provide is not a physical pressure It's a mental pressure feeling the guilt of not being able to raise your children Instead paying someone you don't really know to raise your children can be mental torture When your mind breaks down you don't do your best work you become irritable Combative and sometimes very volatile mental illness can lead to neglect fights over stupid things adultery Divorce and sometimes even suicide.

So for goodness sake, please don't be ashamed to take all your sick and vacation days Please know the Family and Medical Leave Act is a federal law that guarantees certain employees Up to 12 work weeks of unpaid leave each year with no threat of job loss Be open with your colleagues about why you need time off if they are good people Especially if they have families of their own they'll understand and then finally six Have your stay-at-home spouse generate some income if gratitude budgeting patience taking time off and Ignoring other parents opinions don't work.

The only solution left is to have your spouse start earning income again the income can be generated preferably through freelance work or through a part-time job and preferably after your son or daughter starts sleeping better and preferably after they start going to school and If you can run your own business from home even better some households Simply cannot afford to have one spouse stay at home until their little one goes to preschool or kindergarten I understand that money stress can really strain a relationship Even if being a stay-at-home spouse is worth a hundred thousand dollar plus your job Just know that there are now plenty of ways to make money online Now through freelance marketplaces like up work based here in San Francisco or task rabbit There are a dozen things you can do from design and creative to admin support like data entry transcription web research to customer service sales and marketing writing IT and networking analytics translation legal engineering architecture accounting and consulting and You have no skills in any of that You can always perhaps drive for uber or lyft like I did When I gave over 500 rides to check it out and see what it was like Just know there are a lot of things you can do now to make money from the comfort of your own home Not only is my wife an amazing mom.

She is also an amazing online business partner I couldn't have done it without her for so long Once our son started sleeping for at least seven to eight hours stretches on a regular basis She began updating older posts with fresh content and writing new pages on top of the quarterly bookkeeping that she does Not only did her work help our business.

It also gave her a lot of pride and satisfaction as well So definitely get your spouse involved if she or he has more time as the sole income earning spouse Although it may not seem like you're doing enough when you come home to a tired and stressed out spouse who sometimes Will make you feel guilty for being away from the house all day Know that you are doing a great great service to your family The person you trust the most can be a stay-at-home spouse because of you Practice gratitude every day keep the dialogue running.

So resentment does not build up Forgive each other the first five years before kindergarten right give each other passes Don't listen to the criticism of others who don't walk in your shoes Please take time off to heal your mind and finally cherish every single moment every single moment I can't believe my son is 16 months old now that time went by so quick and I remember the day He was born.

It was just like yesterday and all these little milestone moments from his first crawl to his first step To his first babble are priceless I wouldn't give up anything and I hope everyone can figure out what best works for them I'd love to hear your thoughts if you are a sole income provider and how you've been able to make things work and how you plan To make things work going forward.

Thanks so much