Lecture 14 (Extended): Marriage and Family Counseling

00:00:00.000 | [MUSIC PLAYING]

00:00:22.960 | Gracious Lord, we again are grateful tonight

00:00:25.000 | for the opportunity to be able to study marriage

00:00:28.760 | and the family from scripture.

00:00:31.200 | And we have covered an awful lot of material

00:00:34.160 | already this semester.

00:00:35.240 | And as we go into our final sessions together,

00:00:38.760 | I pray that you'll continue to help us to be alert.

00:00:41.360 | This has been a good class.

00:00:42.680 | We've had a wonderful time together

00:00:44.680 | interacting on a variety of issues

00:00:47.240 | that deal with marriage and parenting and the home.

00:00:51.540 | And now we're entering into a territory

00:00:53.800 | that are some of the more controversial and hot topics.

00:00:57.480 | I pray that you'll help us to understand them

00:01:00.080 | as your word addresses them sufficiently.

00:01:03.760 | This we ask in Christ's name, amen.

00:01:05.880 | All right.

00:01:10.000 | Tonight we want to work on the issue of blended families.

00:01:13.800 | So if you have your material there in front of you

00:01:20.080 | or your student outline, it is on what page is that?

00:01:24.600 | It's on page 70.

00:01:27.080 | OK.

00:01:28.520 | It is on page 70.

00:01:30.120 | So let's see if we can talk about this.

00:01:35.320 | Dealing with blended family conflicts in counseling,

00:01:41.200 | I think, is one of the most challenging types of counseling

00:01:45.640 | for marriage and the family that you will face.

00:01:49.100 | This is a tough issue.

00:01:52.480 | And there's a lot of heated exchange

00:01:54.960 | that usually goes on in blended family counseling.

00:01:58.920 | And in just a little bit, we're going

00:02:03.480 | to take a look at a case study we've entitled Larry and Judy.

00:02:08.560 | But let me make a couple of comments by way of preface.

00:02:16.600 | The term blended family really is

00:02:18.800 | somewhat of a misleading term.

00:02:21.840 | It's a secular term.

00:02:24.640 | And in fact, the usage of the label

00:02:27.720 | by a lot of sociologists and psychologists,

00:02:32.640 | whether they call themselves Christians or not,

00:02:34.640 | creates, I think, more ambiguity in dealing

00:02:39.340 | with the problems that occur in blended families

00:02:42.960 | and somewhat typifies the reason why

00:02:45.680 | there is so much struggle and difficulty in resolving

00:02:49.160 | the problems that that terminology represents.

00:02:56.080 | What are we talking about?

00:02:57.160 | We're talking about two distinct people, a husband and a wife,

00:03:02.240 | with their respective children, who are properly married,

00:03:08.180 | is what oftentimes is referred to as a blended family.

00:03:13.680 | They bring their respective children

00:03:15.680 | into that relationship from a previous relationship

00:03:19.880 | and/or previous marriage.

00:03:21.240 | In reality, from a biblical standpoint,

00:03:27.480 | it does not represent a blended family.

00:03:32.440 | They form a family.

00:03:35.400 | You follow what I'm saying?

00:03:36.720 | It doesn't represent a blended family.

00:03:38.600 | They form a family.

00:03:41.760 | Whether they or their children wish to acknowledge it or not,

00:03:45.280 | they are one in God's eyes.

00:03:47.680 | They're not blended.

00:03:48.600 | And I believe that we have to resist the human tendency

00:03:54.240 | to think of them as two distinct families living

00:03:57.320 | under one roof who, in a sense, have to put up or learn

00:04:01.040 | how to cope with one another.

00:04:03.800 | All right, I'll tell you again, I hate that word cope.

00:04:07.600 | We ought to get rid of that out of Christian vocabulary.

00:04:11.200 | We're not here to help people cope.

00:04:13.480 | Nowhere in the Bible does it ever say that.

00:04:16.680 | We're here to help people resolve problems biblically,

00:04:20.320 | not learn how to cope with each other, which basically

00:04:24.000 | translated in popular cultural slang as, OK, I'm

00:04:27.760 | going to teach you how to put up with the other person

00:04:30.640 | and how to just kind of survive this misery, cope.

00:04:36.440 | No, we're not going to teach people how to survive misery.

00:04:40.040 | We want to teach them how to respond biblically

00:04:42.980 | to the hardships and the unique problems

00:04:45.560 | that blended families present.

00:04:47.040 | So whether we like it or not, they are--

00:04:54.200 | whether they like it or not, they

00:04:56.240 | are one family in God's eyes, not blended.

00:05:00.600 | So I believe that we have to resist the human tendency

00:05:06.000 | to think of them as two distinct families living under one roof.

00:05:10.720 | What God has joined together are no longer two, but one.

00:05:16.380 | Now, I fully realize they may not feel like they're a family.

00:05:20.060 | They may not even function like one family.

00:05:23.540 | And they certainly don't consider themselves

00:05:25.660 | to be one family unit, especially

00:05:27.940 | if you talk with the respective children of either one

00:05:31.420 | of the spouses.

00:05:32.900 | But that does not change the fact that they are.

00:05:36.940 | When I first went in the military,

00:05:38.540 | I didn't feel like a soldier.

00:05:40.480 | I didn't function like a soldier.

00:05:42.020 | And I certainly didn't think like a soldier.

00:05:44.260 | But that didn't change the fact that I was a soldier.

00:05:47.960 | That's who I was.

00:05:48.720 | In other words, listen, at the very core of their problems

00:05:56.220 | is the way that they choose to think and actually believe

00:06:03.140 | certain things about themselves.

00:06:04.720 | At the very core of their problems

00:06:07.960 | is the way that they choose to think and believe

00:06:12.320 | about themselves.

00:06:15.640 | So probably, I would like to call them

00:06:19.600 | step-family with step-parenting and step-partnering problems,

00:06:24.480 | because that really is where the problems lie.

00:06:27.720 | Now, what I would like to do is I

00:06:33.240 | would like to give you a typical scenario that you

00:06:36.280 | may face in your ministry when counseling

00:06:40.320 | this kind of a family.

00:06:43.000 | And if this scenario sounds like any particular family that you

00:06:45.840 | know, it's by coincidence, because this family

00:06:49.240 | is fictitious.

00:06:51.160 | And it is built upon, really, my own experience

00:06:55.640 | in counseling step-families and reading and studying

00:07:00.340 | about this issue biblically.

00:07:05.320 | According to national statistics here in America,

00:07:08.160 | studies on family in America, the most typical step-family

00:07:12.280 | with problems involves a divorced father

00:07:15.520 | whose biological children live with their biological mother,

00:07:19.000 | his former wife, who has--

00:07:22.600 | this divorced father has remarried a divorced woman

00:07:25.280 | with an average of two biological children of her own

00:07:28.460 | still living with her.

00:07:30.120 | Now, that's the national average.

00:07:35.040 | Now, the case study that I want to give you

00:07:39.320 | presents something similar to that.

00:07:41.440 | And I've made a few variations of this purposely in order

00:07:44.640 | to point out and highlight some things

00:07:46.400 | that I want to stress in biblical counseling.

00:07:48.780 | But that's the reason why I've changed a little bit

00:07:50.940 | of this scenario.

00:07:51.600 | So the variations reflect what I believe

00:07:58.400 | you're going to find in the Christian community.

00:08:01.800 | And it also affords me the opportunity

00:08:03.560 | to point out some, I think, important issues and facts

00:08:09.120 | that you're going to need to address

00:08:11.560 | that will add some clarity to counseling

00:08:15.080 | and the problems there.

00:08:16.880 | So let's talk about Larry and Judy, OK?

00:08:22.360 | Larry and Judy are a couple who were previously married.

00:08:27.720 | And they found each other at church

00:08:29.360 | and immediately hit it off.

00:08:30.760 | In fact, I think in your student notes, I've put the scenario.

00:08:34.840 | Larry has been divorced for less than two years.

00:08:41.760 | But Judy's been widowed for almost eight years.

00:08:45.080 | Everyone at church believed they were the ideal couple.

00:08:51.560 | In fact, a couple of self-appointed matchmakers

00:08:54.520 | at church took credit for putting the two of them

00:08:56.600 | together.

00:08:58.960 | And I think it's always amazing how these matchmakers fade

00:09:02.000 | into the background when it becomes obvious

00:09:03.840 | that this new family is having problems.

00:09:07.120 | Judy has two teenage daughters and a nine-year-old son--

00:09:15.800 | so she has three kids--

00:09:17.560 | from her first marriage that's living with her.

00:09:20.920 | Larry has a daughter of 13 years of age and a son of 10

00:09:26.900 | who lives with his ex-wife.

00:09:28.160 | Now, during their courtship, everyone

00:09:33.500 | was excited except Judy's teenage daughters,

00:09:37.960 | who stood off from the whole thing and were polite,

00:09:40.880 | but were confused and didn't know what to think.

00:09:44.320 | On the one hand, they were happy that mom seemed so happy--

00:09:47.360 | in fact, happier than they could remember for years.

00:09:49.980 | On the other hand, they were not comfortable with the fact

00:09:52.360 | that Larry was taking so much of mom's time

00:09:54.440 | and was beginning to act a little like a father

00:09:57.040 | figure with them.

00:09:58.600 | He wasn't their father.

00:10:00.600 | Their father was in heaven, and Larry could never

00:10:03.440 | replace their father.

00:10:07.040 | Any suggestion of that was repulsive to them.

00:10:11.400 | So Judy's son didn't seem to mind Larry's sudden intrusion

00:10:14.560 | into their home, however, because he was only one

00:10:18.040 | when his father had died, and he didn't really

00:10:20.180 | remember his father.

00:10:21.160 | And so he always wanted a dad, and Larry

00:10:24.320 | represented for the first time in his life a father.

00:10:27.080 | Larry's ex-wife had left him for another man, who she was still

00:10:36.760 | living with and refused to return,

00:10:39.040 | even after going through church discipline with their church.

00:10:43.520 | The divorce was still fresh in the minds of Larry's two

00:10:46.560 | children when they introduced them to their future step

00:10:49.480 | mother, Judy.

00:10:51.560 | Well, they disliked her from the beginning.

00:10:54.840 | After all, they still hoped mom and dad would eventually

00:10:58.200 | get back together again, and this new stepmother

00:11:00.680 | was a serious threat to that dream.

00:11:02.480 | At least their biological mother had not married her boyfriend.

00:11:10.600 | Both Larry and Judy noticed the awkwardness and tension

00:11:13.700 | when they first took a picnic with the two sets of children,

00:11:17.280 | but both attributed it to adjustment jitters, which

00:11:20.400 | would only be a temporary thing.

00:11:23.400 | Once everyone got settled in, everything would be fine,

00:11:25.760 | they reasoned.

00:11:26.880 | And even Larry's ex-wife didn't like the idea of Judy,

00:11:30.720 | not because she wanted to go back to Larry,

00:11:32.520 | but if Larry married Judy, the courts

00:11:34.760 | may view that as a more stable home,

00:11:37.920 | and then she would lose custody of her daughter and her son.

00:11:42.160 | So she didn't like the idea of the fact

00:11:44.040 | that Judy had suddenly come into Larry's life,

00:11:46.800 | and now if Larry were to marry Judy,

00:11:49.880 | then this would be a more stable relationship,

00:11:52.440 | and now the courts would look with favor upon that,

00:11:55.360 | and she could lose her biological children

00:11:58.040 | to this new home.

00:11:58.960 | So in spite of all the red flags and the excitement

00:12:05.560 | of their romance and believing all of the negative things

00:12:08.880 | would blow over, Larry and Judy decided to marry.

00:12:13.960 | With the exception of Judy's youngest son,

00:12:16.200 | both sets of children didn't want to come to the wedding.

00:12:20.160 | In fact, one of Judy's daughters showed up in a black dress

00:12:23.600 | to protest the marriage.

00:12:27.000 | Judy was angry and hurt, but withheld her comments

00:12:30.760 | to try to preserve the happiness of the occasion.

00:12:33.460 | She tried to smooth it over with Larry by saying,

00:12:35.760 | well, you know teenagers, changes

00:12:37.700 | are always hard on them.

00:12:39.200 | She'll get over it soon.

00:12:40.560 | Regardless of Judy's efforts to smooth it over,

00:12:45.760 | Larry did worry.

00:12:47.240 | After a dreamy honeymoon on the Isle of Maui,

00:12:52.680 | the newlyweds returned to a tension-filled household.

00:12:55.560 | Both Larry and Judy were determined to make it work.

00:13:03.160 | Larry found out that Judy's daughters greeted him

00:13:05.960 | with a silent treatment, and he decided

00:13:08.680 | to make the best of it by treating them kindly

00:13:11.480 | until six weeks had passed and things were only worse.

00:13:15.320 | Every time they had a problem with their homework,

00:13:19.520 | they would always go to their mother,

00:13:21.160 | even they'd wait until she returned when she was gone.

00:13:25.920 | And when Larry was home alone with them,

00:13:29.120 | they refused his help.

00:13:32.360 | So Larry was reaching the boiling point.

00:13:34.560 | He found that he and Judy were arguing more and more

00:13:37.840 | about the children.

00:13:39.400 | To make matters worse, when Larry's children visited,

00:13:42.400 | they didn't like Judy's cooking and would often refuse to eat.

00:13:47.760 | On weekends, when they were in the home,

00:13:50.800 | a turf war would break out between the two

00:13:53.160 | sets of children.

00:13:54.960 | And Judy's daughters let Larry's daughter

00:13:58.680 | know that she was not welcome in their home.

00:14:02.120 | Furthermore, even though Judy's nine-year-old son enjoyed

00:14:07.040 | having Larry as his new father, he

00:14:09.880 | resented Larry's biological son coming on weekends.

00:14:13.880 | He felt that Larry favored his son

00:14:15.600 | and would leave him out of their times together.

00:14:18.000 | He looked for times to secretly remind Larry's son

00:14:22.000 | that he had his father most of the time

00:14:23.960 | seeking to drive a wedge between Larry and his son.

00:14:28.120 | It was beginning to work.

00:14:31.120 | Larry noticed that his biological son

00:14:33.140 | was speaking more and more favorably

00:14:34.840 | about his ex-wife's boyfriend, all the fun times

00:14:37.640 | they were having, going to amusement parks and ball games.

00:14:41.060 | This left Larry with a sinking feeling inside,

00:14:43.680 | especially since this boyfriend was not a Christian

00:14:46.440 | and he refused to go to church.

00:14:49.400 | Then add to the fact that Larry's church had disciplined

00:14:51.720 | his new girlfriend for leaving Larry,

00:14:53.360 | so he was sour on Christians and church.

00:14:57.200 | To make matters worse, his influence on Larry's son

00:14:59.600 | was a bad one that resulted in a bad attitude and vocabulary.

00:15:03.560 | Every weekend, it seemed that Larry spent half of his time

00:15:08.080 | trying to correct the bad attitudes and behavior

00:15:10.640 | in both his daughter and his son.

00:15:13.000 | From Larry's perspective, he thought

00:15:14.560 | he would see some improvements after six months of marriage,

00:15:17.720 | but the opposite seemed to be true.

00:15:19.840 | Instead of peace, things in the family seemed to be unraveling.

00:15:26.080 | Judy noticed the same thing.

00:15:28.780 | She was beginning to realize that she didn't like the way

00:15:31.160 | that Larry ran the household.

00:15:34.200 | It was not the way that she and her children were used to.

00:15:37.720 | They didn't like his rules.

00:15:39.040 | They're rigid, inflexible.

00:15:40.640 | She found herself siding with her daughters

00:15:43.920 | when they would announce, that's not the way that mom does it.

00:15:50.000 | Larry, too, noted that they had very different parenting

00:15:54.240 | styles and her daughters did not accept his new role

00:15:57.680 | as head of the household.

00:15:59.560 | Interestingly, he discovered that if he

00:16:02.040 | tried to exercise discipline or use

00:16:04.040 | any kind of parental authority over them,

00:16:05.920 | he was overruled when they appealed to their mother.

00:16:09.720 | All their dreams of having a loving Christian home

00:16:12.200 | were quickly vanishing.

00:16:14.800 | After a year, so much resentment and bitterness had built up,

00:16:18.740 | it was impossible to have any fun together as a family.

00:16:21.840 | The tension in the home was thick.

00:16:23.520 | You could cut it with a knife.

00:16:26.280 | Larry was spending more and more time at the office,

00:16:28.640 | and Judy and the kids seemed to be happy with that.

00:16:31.960 | Their dream had turned into a horrid nightmare.

00:16:35.120 | Even people at church knew something was wrong.

00:16:37.400 | Judy's daughters could say nothing good

00:16:39.480 | about their stepdad.

00:16:41.960 | They always referred to him with disgust as that Larry,

00:16:45.200 | or not father, dad, or stepdad.

00:16:48.840 | People could also see that Larry and Judy were not

00:16:50.920 | the happy Christians they used to be.

00:16:52.800 | It seemed like they were dying inside.

00:16:55.640 | There was no joy in their lives, just mere existence.

00:16:59.360 | Their goal became a simple one.

00:17:01.120 | Just make it through another day.

00:17:05.240 | That was their goal.

00:17:06.920 | 18 months into the marriage, Larry and a close friend

00:17:09.400 | were playing golf when Larry dropped a bomb

00:17:12.040 | by announcing that he was thinking of divorcing Judy.

00:17:15.320 | She doesn't respect me.

00:17:16.720 | Her daughters despise me.

00:17:18.520 | My children hate her.

00:17:20.280 | The only person that seems to remotely like having me around

00:17:23.240 | is her son.

00:17:24.880 | Do you know what is ironic?

00:17:26.880 | He said stoically to his golfing buddy.

00:17:29.400 | After my first divorce, I was determined never

00:17:31.640 | to allow this to happen again.

00:17:33.040 | I wanted to have the best Christian home possible.

00:17:35.400 | I really tried, but I was overruled and frustrated

00:17:38.000 | every turn.

00:17:39.120 | I almost can't believe that I'm saying this.

00:17:43.280 | Don't you love Judy?

00:17:44.320 | His friend prodded.

00:17:46.520 | I don't know.

00:17:47.600 | I don't feel anything anymore.

00:17:48.840 | All my emotions are gone.

00:17:50.520 | I'm cold and empty on the inside,

00:17:52.680 | going about my responsibilities every day like a robot.

00:17:55.640 | And I know that this is not the way the Christian life is

00:17:58.000 | supposed to be.

00:17:59.000 | Frankly, I've given up hope for this marriage.

00:18:01.800 | And if I read Judy right, she has too.

00:18:05.720 | I've tried everything.

00:18:07.800 | But I believe we'd both be happier living apart.

00:18:10.080 | At least I know her children would be.

00:18:13.200 | Everything is a pretty big statement.

00:18:16.640 | Have you really tried everything, his friend remarked?

00:18:20.600 | Have you and Judy tried going to one

00:18:22.160 | of the pastors of our church to get some biblical answers

00:18:24.880 | for these problems?

00:18:25.720 | No.

00:18:26.760 | He shot back.

00:18:28.440 | I know what they'll tell me to do, pray about it

00:18:30.440 | and have devotions with the family.

00:18:31.920 | Well, you know what?

00:18:32.800 | I did that, and Judy's daughters fought me

00:18:35.120 | every step of the way.

00:18:37.480 | It was war every time I tried to be a spiritual leader.

00:18:41.080 | Hey, give our pastors more credit than that.

00:18:44.680 | There are hard issues here that need to be addressed.

00:18:46.920 | And I think you need to try to get some good biblical help.

00:18:52.960 | After what happened in your first marriage,

00:18:54.760 | I'd hate to see you give up so easily.

00:18:57.840 | Larry's friend was right.

00:19:00.160 | So Larry and Judy sit in front of you

00:19:08.880 | for their first counseling appointment.

00:19:12.400 | Tension is thick in the room.

00:19:14.880 | What are you going to do?

00:19:18.600 | It's up to you.

00:19:23.080 | What are you going to do?

00:19:25.680 | How are you going to handle this problem?

00:19:29.280 | Does the Bible say anything that will really

00:19:31.120 | give some substantive help to Larry and Judy?

00:19:35.640 | Or are we going to have to go on the web

00:19:38.880 | and Google in "blended families" and find some answers there

00:19:44.160 | on the web in order to try to deal

00:19:47.040 | with this particular problem?

00:19:49.680 | The Bible may not be sufficient, but the world wide web is.

00:19:55.600 | It has all the answers.

00:19:56.840 | No, I don't think so.

00:20:01.160 | Regretfully, that's what a lot of Christians would do,

00:20:03.440 | even Christians that believe the Bible.

00:20:05.880 | They're just out there groping in darkness

00:20:08.280 | in the midst of this ocean of information

00:20:12.040 | called the world wide web for whatever

00:20:14.720 | seemingly seems practical.

00:20:16.400 | When in reality, a lot of that advice

00:20:21.760 | is going to do nothing but add gasoline to a smoldering fire.

00:20:26.640 | And it's going to explode into a disaster.

00:20:33.680 | What do you need to do?

00:20:37.120 | Well, let's find out.

00:20:41.200 | Step families need hope.

00:20:44.240 | If there ever was a counseling scenario

00:20:50.320 | where hope needs to be given, it's in this kind of scenario.

00:20:56.480 | I mean, Larry's disgusted.

00:20:59.480 | He's lost all hope.

00:21:00.680 | He doesn't really believe that there is any possibility

00:21:03.720 | for any real change.

00:21:04.920 | He sees this spiraling down deeper and deeper.

00:21:08.400 | Judy sees the same thing.

00:21:10.400 | They're not happy together anymore.

00:21:14.400 | This whole home has broken down.

00:21:17.600 | Step families need broad based hope.

00:21:23.880 | The first order of business after you have thoroughly

00:21:29.040 | listened to the situation and you've

00:21:32.400 | gathered the appropriate data, and then later on

00:21:36.520 | between counseling sessions, you're

00:21:38.080 | going to spend a lot of time thinking through and

00:21:40.920 | interpreting that data.

00:21:44.720 | But one of the first things you can do early in counseling,

00:21:48.280 | even in the first session, is leave some time

00:21:51.280 | to give Larry and Judy some hope.

00:21:59.400 | Romans chapter 8, verses 28 and 29, 1 Corinthians 10, 13

00:22:03.880 | are very common, but very important,

00:22:07.800 | broad based promises that they need to hear.

00:22:10.920 | There's no temptation taken you except for what is common to man

00:22:20.560 | and God is faithful.

00:22:21.560 | He will always-- he will always, because of his faithful,

00:22:26.560 | provide a way of escape.

00:22:27.680 | And Romans 8, 28 talks about the fact that there's nothing--

00:22:38.560 | there's nothing out there in the world whatsoever

00:22:42.360 | that God hasn't ordained and he's ordained it for good.

00:22:54.920 | And Romans 15, in verse 4, refers to the help

00:22:58.120 | that scripture can be when it says,

00:23:01.280 | for whatever was written really in earlier times

00:23:04.080 | was written for our instruction, that through endurance

00:23:08.240 | and the encouragement of scripture, we might have hope.

00:23:11.400 | Later on in verse 13, there is--

00:23:19.960 | of Romans 15, the apostle Paul describes God and his desires

00:23:24.680 | for the people he wrote to.

00:23:26.280 | Now, may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace

00:23:30.480 | and believing that you may abound in hope

00:23:33.040 | by the power of the Holy Spirit.

00:23:34.800 | So our God is a God of hope.

00:23:37.080 | And this is not a hope that contains any uncertainty

00:23:42.680 | to it.

00:23:43.720 | Sometimes we use the word that way.

00:23:46.320 | It is a hope that knows for sure that he

00:23:48.480 | will fulfill his promises.

00:23:52.600 | The apostle Peter puts it in 1 Peter 1, 3.

00:23:56.000 | "Blessed is the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ,

00:23:58.880 | who, according to his great mercy,

00:24:00.840 | has caused us to be born again to a living hope

00:24:04.760 | through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead."

00:24:07.440 | There can be no greater thing that man's ever

00:24:13.360 | going to face that will overwhelm him

00:24:15.080 | with hopelessness other than death itself.

00:24:18.040 | That's the great hopelessness.

00:24:19.800 | And if God conquers death, and he did in Christ,

00:24:23.400 | your greatest foe, then he has answers for strife even

00:24:28.080 | in the home of a step family.

00:24:30.160 | Larry and Judy needs to have a faithful biblical counselor,

00:24:38.520 | a faithful pastor who takes the word of God seriously,

00:24:42.280 | take verses like these and many more,

00:24:44.800 | and minister hope to their despairing hearts.

00:24:49.360 | I like what Jay Adams used to say.

00:24:51.080 | God is up to something here, and he's up to something good.

00:24:54.080 | Even in this hardship, God is up to something,

00:24:59.800 | and he is up to something good.

00:25:01.960 | Well, step families also need specific hope.

00:25:10.440 | Another vital aspect of hope means

00:25:17.320 | helping them to see it in the specific details

00:25:20.640 | of their situation.

00:25:23.600 | And I believe one of the biggest things

00:25:26.720 | here in step family conflicts--

00:25:29.440 | now, listen to me--

00:25:30.880 | is helping them to own their own personal responsibility

00:25:36.040 | for their attitudes and actions, helping

00:25:40.440 | them to own their own personal responsibility

00:25:48.480 | for their attitudes and actions.

00:25:50.040 | Now, that is a very basic idea, but it

00:25:57.240 | is profound in the culture in which we live.

00:26:02.320 | Because most psychologists, Christians and otherwise,

00:26:06.440 | in their ignorance, will label this family as dysfunctional,

00:26:14.320 | which gives the impression that the unique combination

00:26:17.520 | of people in this step family with

00:26:19.720 | their distinctive personalities combine

00:26:21.840 | to form an incompatible set of relationships

00:26:24.920 | that is beyond their ability to really change.

00:26:28.640 | That's what dysfunctional family means.

00:26:32.480 | In other words, all the distinctive personalities

00:26:35.240 | that come together combine to form

00:26:38.400 | this incompatible set of relationships that's

00:26:41.160 | really beyond their ability to change.

00:26:45.360 | Because you see, fundamentally, most psychologists

00:26:48.520 | believe that personalities are fixed.

00:26:51.080 | It's a part of your DNA.

00:26:53.080 | You're hardwired that way.

00:26:55.360 | You can't change.

00:26:56.520 | That's just the way you are.

00:26:58.080 | And so the people in a family relationship like this

00:27:04.640 | have to learn to accept the differences

00:27:06.680 | and make the best of them.

00:27:08.480 | And so they teach them coping skills and methods or techniques

00:27:17.600 | of interpersonal interaction in order

00:27:23.600 | to know how to deal with the distinctive personalities.

00:27:27.800 | To put it in Christian terms, you

00:27:30.280 | know those fourfold animals.

00:27:35.800 | There's these fourfold classification of personality.

00:27:38.240 | There's the otter, the beaver, the golden retriever,

00:27:42.160 | and the-- I forget that fourth one.

00:27:46.680 | But in essence, you're an otter married to a golden retriever.

00:27:54.360 | And you've got to learn how golden retrievers think

00:27:57.560 | and respond to circumstances, just as the golden retriever

00:28:00.720 | needs to learn to think how otters respond

00:28:02.840 | to circumstances.

00:28:03.980 | And this is at the core and the root

00:28:05.600 | of the reasons why you're having so much problem,

00:28:07.720 | is you really don't understand the distinctive personality

00:28:10.320 | of that other person within the family.

00:28:13.480 | Where do you find that in the Bible?

00:28:17.320 | You don't find any of that.

00:28:18.720 | You have to commit the sin of semantic anachronism

00:28:25.680 | in order to make that happen.

00:28:27.000 | In other words, you have to read contemporary psychobabble

00:28:31.720 | terminology back into the Bible in order

00:28:34.200 | to find anything like that in terms of personality there.

00:28:36.880 | It's not there.

00:28:37.960 | A natural reading of the scripture,

00:28:39.600 | even in the original languages, will never

00:28:41.760 | render any of that nonsense.

00:28:44.040 | The reason why people have problems,

00:28:46.120 | as we've talked about before, is James 4, right?

00:28:49.240 | What is it?

00:28:51.760 | Yeah, it's the battles that occur on the inside.

00:28:55.640 | People want things.

00:28:56.920 | They desire things.

00:28:58.040 | They don't get them.

00:28:59.140 | And so they fight and they quarrel

00:29:01.440 | in order to achieve them.

00:29:02.920 | It's the battles that go on the inside.

00:29:04.720 | The Bible says nothing about the fact

00:29:06.960 | that, well, he's caloric and she's phlegmatic.

00:29:10.720 | And the two just don't get along.

00:29:12.880 | They don't understand each other's

00:29:14.440 | distinctive personalities.

00:29:16.080 | And so we've got to go through a whole set of understanding

00:29:19.280 | these distinctive personalities so we can mesh better together

00:29:22.600 | in the home.

00:29:23.400 | It doesn't say anything about that at all.

00:29:26.920 | In fact, that just gets people way off the track

00:29:32.920 | in dealing with issues.

00:29:34.080 | So the unique combination of adversarial personalities,

00:29:40.520 | they would say, are the cause of the problem.

00:29:43.240 | It's like trying to make a family of pit bulls

00:29:45.760 | live in harmony with a family of poodles.

00:29:49.280 | It's not going to be a pretty sight.

00:29:52.240 | There's going to be a lot of blood.

00:29:53.680 | But maybe we can help them to kind of accept one another

00:30:02.420 | and adjust to one another.

00:30:03.520 | One publication written by Christian psychiatrists

00:30:12.240 | and psychologists-- and it's interesting, by the way,

00:30:16.240 | because this particular article went on

00:30:18.560 | for pages without a single reference to scripture

00:30:22.440 | in counseling blended families-- said this.

00:30:25.560 | If the parents do their job and face their issues,

00:30:28.560 | the family will come through the crisis

00:30:30.880 | and work to make adjustments.

00:30:33.280 | Now, that's key to their whole thinking.

00:30:35.680 | Work to make adjustments that they learn through counseling

00:30:39.920 | must be made.

00:30:41.000 | These adjustments include-- now, follow this--

00:30:43.640 | negotiation of roles.

00:30:46.880 | That's interesting.

00:30:48.160 | Negotiation of roles.

00:30:49.960 | I always thought from scripture that roles

00:30:52.080 | were fixed in the family.

00:30:54.480 | Well, now we've got Mom negotiating her roles with Dad,

00:30:57.720 | and Dad negotiating his roles with Mom,

00:31:00.340 | and the children negotiating their role with the parents.

00:31:03.440 | So we have all this negotiation going on.

00:31:08.000 | That's the first thing on the list.

00:31:10.560 | Then they talk about relationship building.

00:31:12.480 | OK, I could buy that relationship building.

00:31:15.520 | That would be good if they mean by that edification,

00:31:19.480 | but that's not what they mean by it.

00:31:21.560 | When they talk about relationship building,

00:31:23.720 | what they talk about is talking about making adjustments

00:31:28.080 | to other people's personalities.

00:31:31.000 | Has nothing to do with edification

00:31:33.200 | from a biblical perspective.

00:31:35.480 | Validation of family rules.

00:31:38.680 | Well, that's OK.

00:31:39.760 | Everybody needs to validate the family rules,

00:31:42.200 | but when they talk about it, they talk about the fact

00:31:44.400 | that everybody in the family comes together and helps

00:31:47.040 | to set the rules corporately.

00:31:49.640 | This is a democracy.

00:31:52.360 | The Bible never set the family up to be a democracy.

00:31:56.160 | That sounds so fair to us Americans,

00:31:58.120 | but it's not a democracy.

00:32:00.640 | The family is a benevolent dictatorship.

00:32:05.200 | That's what it is based upon scripture.

00:32:08.960 | Mom and Dad lead the family, and when there's a disagreement,

00:32:12.480 | Dad wins out.

00:32:16.200 | That's a benevolent dictatorship.

00:32:18.040 | That's the way the family was supposed to be run.

00:32:22.960 | Oh, they almost have a conniption on that.

00:32:28.480 | They almost go into apoplexy if you ever mention that.

00:32:31.800 | So they talk about negotiation of rules,

00:32:37.120 | relationship building, validation of family rules,

00:32:39.200 | traditions and customs, validation

00:32:41.520 | of the new family unit.

00:32:44.400 | And again, this validation terminology.

00:32:47.240 | It's not just simple.

00:32:49.480 | They're not just saying acknowledging the fact

00:32:51.680 | that they're a new family.

00:32:52.760 | It's not just saying it.

00:32:53.920 | That means acknowledging the personal value and self

00:33:01.280 | worth of everybody.

00:33:02.960 | It all goes back to the issue of everybody

00:33:05.120 | learning to love themselves, and at the core of this disagreement

00:33:08.040 | is the fact that a person really doesn't love themself very

00:33:11.080 | well.

00:33:13.840 | And of course, one of the key words they use is adjustment.

00:33:18.560 | Those families need to adjust to one another.

00:33:23.240 | But not a single word is given in this article

00:33:25.440 | the personal responsibility for change

00:33:27.760 | when it comes to interaction with other members

00:33:29.760 | of the family.

00:33:30.680 | Not a single word.

00:33:31.920 | Such a treatment of this problem then

00:33:36.720 | predicates the peace and harmony of the home

00:33:41.640 | when everyone making external judgments instead of really

00:33:44.440 | seeking to change and grow, or even better,

00:33:50.440 | treating a problem this way actually undermines

00:33:52.640 | the peace and harmony of the home.

00:33:56.520 | And I think that kind of counsel really

00:33:58.720 | strips step families of genuine hope.

00:34:03.440 | If this family is truly dysfunctional

00:34:05.040 | due to unchangeable personalities,

00:34:06.600 | then it's stuck in a hopeless quagmire of endless adjusting

00:34:10.760 | and coping.

00:34:12.080 | That's what it's stuck in.

00:34:13.440 | It is stuck in an endless quagmire of adjustment

00:34:18.080 | and coping, which I think amounts

00:34:21.560 | to nothing more than the age-old heresy of asceticism.

00:34:24.320 | It means, in a sense, to resign yourself to the notion

00:34:28.120 | that you just have to suffer through the indignities

00:34:30.640 | of other people in your family by practicing

00:34:33.120 | personal self-abasement and repressing

00:34:36.560 | any kind of external angry responses.

00:34:41.520 | In reality, it teaches people within these families

00:34:44.140 | to be Pharisees.

00:34:45.760 | You repress your angry responses.

00:34:48.020 | You make coping through these coping mechanisms.

00:34:51.640 | You adjust to other people and their different personalities.

00:34:55.080 | But on the inside, there's all of this seething anger and hate

00:35:01.280 | and maliciousness that is just repressed

00:35:04.760 | for the sake of the harmony, the external harmony of the family.

00:35:09.760 | Those kind of attitudes aren't biblical at all.

00:35:13.000 | As Colossians 2:23 says, "These are

00:35:15.120 | matters which have, to be sure, the appearance of wisdom

00:35:18.620 | and self-made religion and self-abasement

00:35:20.840 | and severe treatment of the body,

00:35:22.360 | but are of no value against fleshly indulgences."

00:35:25.680 | Or fleshly passions would be better.

00:35:28.280 | They have no value when it comes to fleshly passions.

00:35:33.280 | All the self-abasement, self-restraint,

00:35:35.480 | and externalism is never going to bring the passions

00:35:38.760 | under the control.

00:35:40.680 | They are of no value.

00:35:41.800 | Really, as biblical counselors, you

00:35:48.960 | have to address the family on the heart level.

00:35:53.320 | Each member.

00:35:56.400 | If the members of this family, beginning with Larry and Judy,

00:35:59.240 | are willing and convinced that they can change and grow

00:36:02.840 | from the heart, then hope begins to return.

00:36:05.920 | A sense of expectation and a re-energized commitment

00:36:09.160 | returns.

00:36:11.040 | So by the end of your first session,

00:36:12.760 | Larry and Judy are ready to re-engage the battle

00:36:16.520 | and begin to make changes in their own lives

00:36:18.920 | that they desperately need to make.

00:36:22.160 | And they do face a battle.

00:36:23.440 | It's a fleshly battle.

00:36:24.480 | And the battlefront is in the heart.

00:36:27.280 | It's not with the other person.

00:36:29.600 | It's the battlefront of their own heart.

00:36:31.880 | There's a difference.

00:36:32.720 | That's why we say, as a counselor of step-families,

00:36:39.920 | you need to view your role as that of an ideological warrior.

00:36:46.200 | Take your Bible.

00:36:46.860 | Let's go over to 2 Corinthians chapter 10.

00:36:50.480 | I realize the immediate context of this

00:36:55.800 | does not have to do with blended family counseling.

00:37:00.080 | But I think the flow and the argument of even the context

00:37:05.200 | brings to us broader theological principles that

00:37:08.100 | are applicable in blended family situations.

00:37:10.440 | Verse 3 says, "For though we walk in the flesh,

00:37:18.920 | we do not war according to the flesh.

00:37:22.720 | For the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh,

00:37:26.040 | but divinely powerful for the destruction of fortresses.

00:37:30.360 | We are destroying speculations and every lofty thing raised up

00:37:34.400 | against the knowledge of God.

00:37:36.240 | And we are taking captive every thought

00:37:39.280 | or taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ.

00:37:43.200 | And we are ready to punish all disobedience whenever

00:37:46.840 | your obedience is complete."

00:37:49.720 | Now, what is this saying?

00:37:52.360 | The term "speculations" that Paul uses here

00:37:55.240 | is that which is lifted up or higher exalted.

00:37:58.280 | It has to do with high-sounding ideas that are not

00:38:02.200 | based upon truth, but more related to man's ideas

00:38:05.400 | about life rather than God's ideas.

00:38:07.840 | Man thinks he knows better about life than God knows.

00:38:14.160 | This is what Proverbs 122 calls a real fool.

00:38:19.520 | It's where my ideas are above the law.

00:38:23.720 | They're above what God says.

00:38:25.160 | I know better than God.

00:38:26.840 | And that's an ideological issue that

00:38:35.180 | has to do with how the members of this particular family

00:38:39.360 | think of themselves.

00:38:41.880 | Every lofty thing, and this is stated in the middle voice,

00:38:45.440 | it means to lift oneself up.

00:38:47.600 | It means to exalt oneself or one's own ideas

00:38:51.320 | or something that belongs to you for the purpose--

00:38:54.400 | for our purposes, we could say that many step-parents exalt

00:38:57.240 | their biological children or their family

00:38:59.200 | to a higher plane of priority than God gives them.

00:39:03.760 | They have exalted ideas about themselves

00:39:06.120 | and about their families.

00:39:08.320 | They have exalted ideas about themselves

00:39:11.000 | and about their families, especially

00:39:19.000 | their biological families.

00:39:20.600 | Paul says here in verse 4 that he

00:39:27.640 | is out to destroy such ideological fortresses.

00:39:34.480 | He sees himself as going to war with the ministry of the Word

00:39:38.300 | to bring such a foreign enemy of thought into captivity

00:39:42.040 | and to make it obedient to Christ, verse 5.

00:39:44.640 | Now, you see, in other words, what we're saying is this.

00:39:56.720 | Don't ever get bogged down into trying

00:40:00.120 | to help them understand personality differences.

00:40:03.400 | That is just absolutely fruitless.

00:40:05.640 | The bottom line is you're just going to make Pharisees out

00:40:09.360 | of your counselors.

00:40:11.000 | You're going to turn them into externally behavioristic

00:40:15.880 | Christians.

00:40:16.380 | No, you've got to address their heart.

00:40:24.040 | And in addressing their heart, you've

00:40:25.640 | got to address how they think.

00:40:27.120 | One of the first battlefronts in this war is that--

00:40:34.960 | listen to me-- most biological parents in a step-family

00:40:39.120 | relationship operate with a low view of marriage.

00:40:45.960 | Can I say it again?

00:40:48.840 | One of the first battlefronts in this war

00:40:51.600 | is that most biological parents in a step-family relationship

00:40:56.560 | operate with a low view of marriage,

00:41:00.200 | even with those supposed quote, unquote,

00:41:02.920 | "strong" Christians who are having these family conflicts.

00:41:06.440 | Even when you come in, and if you

00:41:08.480 | were to ask them straight out, do you

00:41:10.160 | have a low view of marriage?

00:41:11.320 | Oh, no, none of them will not.

00:41:12.960 | There's not a one of them I've ever

00:41:14.400 | found that will acknowledge that I have a low view of marriage.

00:41:17.040 | But when I get done, then they say, oh, yeah,

00:41:21.880 | I have a low view of marriage.

00:41:23.120 | So this brings us to Roman numeral number two.

00:41:30.400 | Step-parents must be taught a high view of marriage.

00:41:36.480 | This is critical.

00:41:38.520 | Step-parents need to be taught a high view of marriage.

00:41:45.240 | Now, one of the strongholds to be assaulted here,

00:41:48.040 | ideologically, by you as a counselor

00:41:51.000 | is the false doctrine held by many step-parents that

00:41:55.640 | basically say this, "my children come first."

00:42:04.160 | That is an assumption that they bring in because, after all,

00:42:09.800 | guess what?

00:42:11.560 | Blood is thicker than water.

00:42:15.200 | And I'm not blood-related to my husband or my wife.

00:42:19.200 | But I am blood-related to my children.

00:42:24.640 | Or, as the culture says, and if you in the last 10,

00:42:30.160 | 15 years have been watching on American television,

00:42:33.360 | you've probably seen this national campaign

00:42:35.920 | with the slogan, "children first."

00:42:39.920 | Well, that may agree with Dr. Laura.

00:42:43.120 | But it doesn't agree with the Bible.

00:42:46.400 | Children are not first.

00:42:47.720 | And we've already learned this in this class.

00:42:52.800 | Many step-parents are rooted in this cultural ideology.

00:42:56.960 | My children are the most important thing.

00:42:59.160 | And as a good soldier for Jesus Christ,

00:43:05.000 | you've got to engage that wrong notion with the scripture.

00:43:08.160 | The Bible teaches us from the beginning

00:43:09.800 | that your marriage takes precedence

00:43:11.440 | over your own relationship to your children.

00:43:14.960 | Early in the counseling process, you've

00:43:16.920 | got to teach a high and elevated view of marriage.

00:43:20.640 | Strengthening the ideological commitment

00:43:23.040 | that both the remarried husband and the remarried wife

00:43:27.040 | have a relationship that takes priority over the children

00:43:32.880 | is a hard thing for them to ideologically accept.

00:43:40.320 | You're going to run into a brick wall in their thinking.

00:43:45.520 | OK?

00:43:47.520 | But it's a brick wall that's worth attacking.

00:43:50.680 | And if you, with the word of God and the Holy Spirit

00:43:58.520 | working in their heart, are able to break through this brick

00:44:01.680 | wall, you're going to see great improvement almost overnight

00:44:07.400 | in their home.

00:44:12.800 | But I've got to warn you, most of them

00:44:14.800 | believe that even though their marriage is threatened,

00:44:17.040 | they have a high view of marriage.

00:44:20.040 | And I think this goes back to Proverbs 16 in verse 2,

00:44:23.760 | where Proverbs says, "A man already

00:44:27.520 | has an elevated view of himself.

00:44:29.640 | He already thinks very highly of his own ideas."

00:44:32.080 | I have never seen a man who has an elevated view of himself

00:44:40.360 | say, I have never found in a step-family situation

00:44:46.320 | where the husband and wife involved,

00:44:49.800 | their concept of marriage was too high.

00:44:52.240 | I've never found that.

00:44:54.440 | Even with Larry and his desire to have a better

00:44:57.520 | marriage after his divorce, it's not too high.

00:45:02.080 | It could always use elevating.

00:45:06.520 | That's why we said in Genesis 2:24 early in this class,

00:45:09.480 | "For this cause a man shall leave his father and mother."

00:45:12.320 | In other words, the husband-wife relationship

00:45:15.680 | takes priority over the parent-child relationship.

00:45:19.200 | That is always true, even in a remarriage situation.

00:45:23.880 | Always, always true.

00:45:25.680 | So with that in mind, let's make eight counseling observations.

00:45:35.600 | Number one, the husband-wife relationship

00:45:38.680 | is intended by God to be the permanent relationship.

00:45:42.000 | Just because this is your second marriage

00:45:44.400 | does not make this any less of a marriage in God's eyes.

00:45:48.960 | This is not a second-rate marriage.

00:45:52.360 | Oh, there's the original marriage,

00:45:54.600 | and that was the real one in God's eyes.

00:45:56.920 | This is the substitute marriage.

00:45:59.840 | No, that's wrong.

00:46:04.840 | And any thoughts that come close to that are wrong.

00:46:07.680 | And if you listen to this couple talk,

00:46:11.440 | you'll pick this out in the language they use.

00:46:15.320 | How they refer to each other, how

00:46:17.000 | they refer to the concept of marriage,

00:46:18.680 | how they refer to their children,

00:46:20.400 | their biological children, as well as their stepchildren

00:46:22.880 | in the relationship, you'll pick this up.

00:46:27.600 | The husband-wife relationship is intended by God

00:46:29.960 | to be the permanent relationship.

00:46:33.240 | Secondly, the parent-child relationship

00:46:36.080 | is intended by God to be a temporary relationship.

00:46:39.280 | That shouldn't be any new concept to you

00:46:41.040 | so far in this course.

00:46:42.120 | In other words, the parents have a biblical responsibility

00:46:49.360 | to rear their children to leave the home, not stay in the home.

00:46:56.520 | That's the biblical responsibility,

00:47:02.760 | not stay in the home, but to leave the home.

00:47:06.880 | And again, as I said before, that

00:47:08.280 | doesn't mean that you love your children

00:47:09.980 | any less than anybody else.

00:47:11.880 | It just means that their relationship to you

00:47:14.360 | is temporary.

00:47:15.240 | And listen, some of you get older

00:47:19.880 | and you have older children and they start leaving the home,

00:47:22.420 | you realize how hard that is to let them go.

00:47:28.880 | Here you have daughters that you have reared up and vested

00:47:34.280 | your life into.

00:47:36.440 | And you feel like on the wedding day

00:47:39.040 | you're turning a Stradivarius into the hands of a baboon.

00:47:42.520 | So you feel like you're turning this wonderful instrument that

00:47:52.040 | can be used by God to create beautiful music

00:47:57.080 | and you're giving it to an ape.

00:48:00.680 | All right?

00:48:01.880 | Now in case my son-in-laws watch this video,

00:48:08.960 | I really don't believe you're an ape.

00:48:12.720 | But I'm saying that's what parents feel.

00:48:16.720 | That's what they feel.

00:48:18.720 | So it's hard to let them go.

00:48:20.640 | It's hard for these step-parents to say

00:48:26.480 | that their relationship to each other

00:48:28.560 | takes precedence over those biological children who maybe

00:48:32.000 | they have spent years with those biological children

00:48:34.920 | and their relationship with this new spouse

00:48:36.920 | is only a few months old.

00:48:38.360 | That's hard.

00:48:42.080 | That is really hard to do.

00:48:46.880 | To say, I'm sorry, but my husband comes first, not you.

00:48:53.240 | Those biological children are going to stand there

00:48:56.520 | and they're going to have eyes the size of watermelon.

00:49:00.240 | What are you talking about?

00:49:03.160 | Thirdly, your biological children and stepchildren

00:49:11.800 | must be reared to leave the home, not stay.

00:49:14.520 | And this is really hard.

00:49:15.600 | It's especially hard for step-parents.

00:49:20.800 | And let me explain why.

00:49:22.240 | We're going to get into this in the next section.

00:49:26.440 | But especially if you have a, like in Judy's situation,

00:49:34.000 | where she had a husband previously eight years before.

00:49:38.880 | And they had a good relationship.

00:49:40.200 | And he passed away.

00:49:41.040 | He died.

00:49:42.760 | And now her only relationship now

00:49:46.440 | has been with those children.

00:49:47.800 | In other words, she really loved her relationship

00:49:49.800 | with her former husband.

00:49:50.840 | And by God's sovereign purposes, this

00:49:53.520 | is a Deuteronomy 29, 29 issue.

00:49:56.040 | By God's sovereign purposes, he has taken her husband away.

00:50:00.200 | Then her tendency now is to replace all that loneliness

00:50:03.760 | that she feels, is to put her children

00:50:06.880 | in the place of her husband.

00:50:08.320 | So now she grows very, very close to her children.

00:50:11.440 | And she also has a heart for her children.

00:50:13.240 | After all, her children have lost their dad.

00:50:16.560 | And so that just draws her close.

00:50:18.440 | Her mother's heart is dying on the inside.

00:50:21.240 | And now for her to go into this new relationship with Larry

00:50:25.160 | and have this relationship with him,

00:50:27.000 | and now to set him above her children

00:50:30.480 | is one of the hardest things in her life to do.

00:50:34.680 | That is really tough.

00:50:37.160 | Everything in her flesh is saying no to this.

00:50:43.640 | Fourth, your example of setting their stepfather or stepmother

00:50:48.360 | ahead of them as children is the model

00:50:52.360 | they need to see for their own future marriage.

00:50:55.640 | It's a model they need to see.

00:51:03.680 | In creation, in Paul's description

00:51:07.120 | of the Christian home, in the qualification of the elders

00:51:11.600 | in 1 Timothy 3, the priority is always

00:51:14.240 | given to the husband and wife relationship first.

00:51:16.880 | And the children are always listed second.

00:51:21.760 | The children are never put on the list first.

00:51:31.080 | It may hurt Judy to set Larry above her children,

00:51:37.880 | but this is exactly what her children needs to see

00:51:41.880 | before they leave the home.

00:51:43.560 | Her daughters, her son, needs to see this.

00:51:47.920 | This is the model she needs to set,

00:51:51.440 | which basically she's saying to them, when you leave the home,

00:51:54.880 | you need to go out and do the same thing in your home.

00:51:59.000 | That's what should happen.

00:52:00.160 | So your example of setting their stepfather and stepmother

00:52:11.840 | ahead of them as children is the model they need to see.

00:52:14.280 | This is tough.

00:52:19.360 | I'm telling you, this kind of counseling,

00:52:21.380 | you're climbing straight uphill, and you've got lead boots on.

00:52:28.800 | This is hard.

00:52:29.480 | Just a few weeks ago, I was in Colorado Springs,

00:52:39.840 | right in the shadows of a prominent Christian ministry.

00:52:43.840 | And I did a blended family conference.

00:52:46.640 | And several of the families that were there

00:52:48.800 | were heavily influenced by that particular ministry.

00:52:52.880 | And we talked about these very principles.

00:52:55.460 | And during the break sessions, I was barraged with people

00:53:01.440 | who said, I have never heard anybody say this before.

00:53:06.960 | I said, well, the key is not whether or not I'm saying it.

00:53:11.640 | The key is whether or not this is what

00:53:13.220 | you see the word of God saying.

00:53:14.740 | If this is what the word of God says,

00:53:16.360 | then you better believe it.

00:53:17.480 | This is what God says.

00:53:19.360 | Fifth, marriage is thicker than blood.

00:53:25.060 | You know, I've actually had husbands, a wife,

00:53:26.700 | in counseling say that and repeat that three or four times

00:53:29.500 | for me.

00:53:30.460 | Marriage is thicker than blood.

00:53:32.700 | All right, I say to Larry.

00:53:33.820 | OK, Larry, listen to me now.

00:53:36.220 | We're done with our counseling session today.

00:53:39.180 | And they're going to interview Larry.

00:53:40.740 | He's going to talk to you.

00:53:41.900 | He's going to talk to you.

00:53:42.980 | He's going to talk to you.

00:53:44.060 | He's going to talk to you.

00:53:45.140 | He's going to talk to you.

00:53:46.140 | He's going to talk to you.

00:53:47.180 | And they're going to interview Larry as soon as you step out

00:53:49.640 | the door.

00:53:50.140 | And one of the interviewers of Channel 7 News

00:53:52.180 | is going to stick a mic in your face and say to you,

00:53:54.580 | Larry, what's the most important thing you got out

00:53:58.260 | of this counseling session?

00:53:59.460 | What are you going to say to them, Larry?

00:54:01.260 | Larry looks at me and goes, marriage is thicker than blood.

00:54:05.620 | That's it, Larry.

00:54:06.900 | You got it.

00:54:08.340 | Marriage is thicker than blood.

00:54:11.420 | You may be blood related to your children,

00:54:13.380 | but your commitment to them is temporary.

00:54:15.620 | However, even though you are not blood related to your spouse,

00:54:19.460 | your commitment is for a lifetime.

00:54:21.260 | Marriage is thicker than blood.

00:54:28.860 | Yeah, blood's thicker than water.

00:54:30.660 | But marriage is thicker than blood.

00:54:32.120 | Number six, the powerful and natural parental compulsion

00:54:41.980 | to love their children must be surrendered

00:54:44.340 | to the higher priority of being a godly mate and loving spouse.

00:54:47.460 | And I want you to feel that.

00:54:54.140 | This powerful and very natural compulsion to love children

00:55:03.380 | has to be surrendered to the higher priority of loving

00:55:07.300 | a godly mate and spouse, or being a godly mate and loving

00:55:12.940 | spouse.

00:55:13.440 | That's got to be the priority.

00:55:18.200 | In other words, what you naturally feel

00:55:26.080 | is not what God wants you to do.

00:55:28.420 | Can I say it again?

00:55:32.540 | What you naturally feel is not what God wants you to do.

00:55:36.580 | Because everything inside of you

00:55:48.340 | is going to be screaming at you, this is wrong.

00:55:52.060 | Number seven, a child-centered home,

00:56:04.420 | whether it is the first or second marriage,

00:56:06.700 | will always experience trouble because the children will

00:56:09.180 | eventually grow up and leave.

00:56:11.300 | That leaves you as a couple with a relationship in shambles.

00:56:14.460 | Little or no investment time or energy

00:56:16.260 | has been given to it over the years.

00:56:18.380 | So as a result, when the children really finally

00:56:21.220 | do leave the home, mom and dad split as well.

00:56:26.640 | And this is one of the reasons why, statistically, I

00:56:29.700 | think the world says, and it's true,

00:56:35.020 | if you can believe some of the ways in which they compile

00:56:37.860 | these statistics, that second marriages statistically

00:56:41.660 | last or end a lot sooner than first marriages.

00:56:45.500 | And this is one of the reasons.

00:56:51.680 | Even if they survive, the children growing up,

00:56:54.380 | then they eventually divorce once the children are gone.

00:56:57.020 | Because they've turned that home into a child-centered home.

00:57:00.820 | Last and finally, fashion your seat belts

00:57:15.220 | and put your crash helmets on.

00:57:17.980 | Number eight, the fleshly, sinful passions and desires

00:57:22.580 | of your biological children.

00:57:25.180 | Proverbs 22.15, "A foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child."

00:57:27.940 | Will always pit you as a biological parent

00:57:31.820 | against their step-parent, your spouse,

00:57:34.660 | if you allow your home to be child-centered.

00:57:37.780 | Now follow that thought.

00:57:40.420 | They will prey on your parental affections

00:57:42.840 | and use them to drive a wedge between you

00:57:44.780 | and your spouse for their own self-centered purposes.

00:57:47.820 | When you allow yourself to be manipulated,

00:57:50.780 | you are pandering their sinful nature.

00:57:53.420 | And in this way, you're hurting both your marriage

00:57:56.340 | and your children.

00:57:57.140 | See, it is the sinful nature of a child

00:58:10.780 | to prey on the parent's affections.

00:58:15.620 | Children become manipulative in this way.

00:58:19.100 | And they will actually say to Judy--

00:58:21.740 | her children will say to her, you don't love me.

00:58:25.900 | You're actually choosing that Larry over me.

00:58:30.980 | Yes, she is, but that does not mean she does not love them.

00:58:36.460 | In fact, from a biblical perspective,

00:58:39.020 | she's actually loving them better

00:58:43.020 | because she's setting up a model that they need

00:58:45.740 | to see for their future home.

00:58:48.180 | So you're allowing yourself as a step-parent

00:58:55.980 | to be manipulated when you pander their sinful nature.

00:59:01.740 | And you cater to their manipulative ways.

00:59:06.060 | You're allowing yourself-- you're

00:59:07.460 | sowing seeds of your home's destruction

00:59:11.020 | when you're doing that kind of thing.

00:59:12.560 | And that will destroy your home.

00:59:22.520 | Children and their sinful desires

00:59:34.440 | will wreak havoc in the heart of a mother or father who

00:59:46.600 | feels bad about their kids.

00:59:49.360 | After all, their father or their mother died,

00:59:52.240 | or they experienced the horrible events of this divorce.

01:00:01.360 | When you cater to that, you are sowing seeds of destruction

01:00:06.960 | for your home.

01:00:07.760 | And it will undermine that home.

01:00:12.520 | As Proverbs chapter 14 and verse 1 says,

01:00:23.760 | "The wise woman builds her house,

01:00:26.760 | but the foolish tears it down with her own hands."

01:00:31.520 | And I believe that one of the ways that a step-parent wife

01:00:39.120 | can tear her home down is by allowing her heart to be

01:00:44.000 | manipulated by her biological children.

01:00:46.640 | The genuine Christian home rejects the notion--

01:00:54.560 | my children come first.

01:00:56.720 | God is always first.

01:00:58.400 | But before the children, the spouse

01:01:00.080 | has to be your first human priority.

01:01:01.920 | That's the foundational concept.

01:01:07.240 | That is the first battle and war you have to fight in this home.

01:01:14.120 | Because whether or not-- if you don't win this war,

01:01:17.160 | then everything else from this particular point

01:01:19.200 | on in dealing with step-parent counseling

01:01:21.980 | is going to be superfluous.

01:01:24.680 | It is not going to be valuable.

01:01:27.460 | You're not going to make a whole lot of progress.

01:01:30.920 | You have to win this war, and you

01:01:32.960 | have to win this war early in their minds and their thinking.

01:01:36.720 | All right, questions at this point so far?

01:01:46.280 | We have more to cover.

01:01:51.480 | Yes, Rebecca.

01:01:52.440 | I have a couple of questions later.

01:01:53.900 | But what if they have a good marriage and stuff,

01:01:58.880 | but the father-- the father's coming in,

01:02:00.860 | and the woman has daughters or sons or whatever.

01:02:04.360 | And they both agree on punishments and stuff.

01:02:07.360 | Should he go ahead and completely assert it?

01:02:10.840 | Or should he allow her to want the agreed rules

01:02:14.320 | that they've done?

01:02:16.300 | And he eventually becomes that.

01:02:19.300 | Yeah.

01:02:19.800 | [INAUDIBLE]

01:02:22.000 | I want you to save your question.

01:02:23.560 | I think it's going to be answered in the next session

01:02:25.800 | that we deal-- next section here.

01:02:29.640 | But if I don't answer it completely

01:02:31.140 | on what you're asking, then bring it back up again.

01:02:33.760 | Because I think we'll cover that.

01:02:36.360 | David.

01:02:37.120 | What's the best political verse for rejecting children first?

01:02:42.320 | For rejecting children first?

01:02:47.200 | Yeah, the idea of children first.

01:02:48.960 | Oh, Genesis 224.

01:02:52.200 | What God has intended, the standard for marriage

01:02:55.720 | is right there.

01:02:58.360 | A man shall leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife.

01:03:02.480 | There's a lot in that statement.

01:03:04.680 | That's what God has intended from the very beginning.

01:03:07.120 | And remember, when we went through that, I said,

01:03:10.680 | Adam didn't even have parents at this point.

01:03:16.000 | So in stating that, God was stating a universal axiom

01:03:20.600 | that all of his people should follow,

01:03:23.520 | the way he intended life to function.

01:03:27.600 | Timur.

01:03:28.100 | Are you having a chance to teach these things

01:03:31.400 | in the premarital counseling for those families?

01:03:34.080 | Yes.

01:03:35.360 | Yeah.

01:03:36.800 | The question is, does this come up?

01:03:39.040 | Do you bring these issues up in premarital counseling?

01:03:41.360 | Absolutely.

01:03:43.080 | With stepfamily, remarried situations,

01:03:45.800 | especially where biological children are involved, oh yes,

01:03:48.680 | you've got to bring this up in that kind of counseling.

01:03:53.920 | In fact, it's really funny.

01:03:56.160 | These are the very homes that, because they maybe

01:04:01.000 | had a prior Christian home where a spouse died,

01:04:04.880 | they will try to get around.

01:04:06.640 | They really don't think they need premarital counseling.

01:04:09.080 | And they're the very homes.

01:04:10.520 | They're usually older adults.

01:04:12.280 | They're the very homes that need it the most.

01:04:16.320 | But this is the home that somehow doesn't

01:04:19.040 | think they really need it.

01:04:20.160 | We're both Christians.

01:04:21.120 | We're more mature than we were.

01:04:22.680 | After all, we're not two teenagers getting married,

01:04:24.880 | da-da-da-da-da-da.

01:04:25.960 | We don't need premarital counseling.

01:04:28.600 | Oh my goodness.

01:04:29.560 | It is that prideful assumption that

01:04:31.840 | is going to lay the foundation for the destruction

01:04:35.340 | of that marriage.

01:04:41.700 | So there's the conclusion.

01:04:42.960 | Genuine Christian home rejects the notion

01:04:44.680 | my children come first.

01:04:45.680 | God always comes first.

01:04:46.720 | But before the children, the spouse

01:04:48.440 | must be the first human priority.

01:04:51.520 | John.

01:04:52.020 | I'm just curious if there's any reason why Larry's divorce is

01:04:55.800 | not mentioned.

01:04:57.960 | Obviously, it seems like there is a pattern that's

01:05:00.560 | going on here with his lack of spiritual leadership

01:05:04.740 | in the family.

01:05:06.080 | What do you mean by Larry's divorce is not mentioned?

01:05:08.280 | What do you mean by that?

01:05:09.080 | Well, he says he's divorced.

01:05:10.240 | Why is he-- why he got divorced?

01:05:12.140 | Well, she left him.

01:05:13.000 | She left him.

01:05:13.700 | Yeah, she left him and ran off with a boyfriend.

01:05:16.180 | And the church disciplined her.

01:05:18.540 | All right?

01:05:19.140 | Yeah, disciplined her out of the church.

01:05:21.220 | And she had no desire to return.

01:05:23.580 | And so when the church disciplined her,

01:05:25.260 | that declared her to be an unbeliever.

01:05:27.580 | And then Larry then has the option to divorce her

01:05:31.300 | if she doesn't repent.

01:05:32.340 | Right, but it still doesn't negate the fact

01:05:34.300 | that there was probably some sin involved that involved her.

01:05:37.900 | You know, or what did--

01:05:40.920 | You mean his sin, you mean?

01:05:42.360 | His sin.

01:05:43.040 | In contributing to--

01:05:45.520 | oh, yeah, I'm sure that that's the case.

01:05:48.400 | Yeah.

01:05:49.080 | We don't go into that detail because right now, that

01:05:53.200 | is not as significant at this point in our discussion

01:05:59.620 | for what we want to highlight in the Splendid Family Counseling.

01:06:05.160 | All right, good.

01:06:06.080 | All right, we will take about a 15-minute break,

01:06:08.360 | and we'll come back and hit the next section here.

01:06:10.760 | All right, good.

01:06:17.560 | Let's see if we can get started now with part two here,

01:06:27.680 | the step-parent trap.

01:06:29.200 | All right, in the first session that we had together,

01:06:34.000 | we learned that the children are to be

01:06:35.600 | reared to think of themselves as second on the priority

01:06:38.080 | list in that family.

01:06:39.880 | No exception is made in a step-parenting home.

01:06:42.920 | Even though your spouse may not be the biological parent,

01:06:46.400 | they still are to be viewed with the same priority and authority

01:06:50.240 | as the biological parent.

01:06:51.760 | Why?

01:06:53.360 | Listen to this.

01:06:54.160 | Because your priority in the home determines your authority.

01:07:01.360 | Your priority in the home determines your authority.

01:07:04.240 | If you put your children before your mate,

01:07:07.080 | then your children will use it against you

01:07:09.560 | and ruin the model of marriage that God intends them to have.

01:07:13.240 | If you do not treat your mate with equal priority

01:07:16.880 | to your own role, your children will not

01:07:20.120 | treat them with equal authority.

01:07:21.920 | There must be-- listen.

01:07:29.480 | There must be no daylight between you

01:07:32.360 | and your children's step-parent.

01:07:36.400 | They must view you as one, even though that

01:07:40.680 | may be repulsive to them at the beginning.

01:07:44.760 | They'll adjust to it.

01:07:46.240 | This is not going to wound their little psyches to do this.

01:07:50.960 | It's not going to do that.

01:07:52.080 | The only exception would be if clear issues of biblical

01:07:59.360 | morality are at stake, or your new spouse

01:08:03.320 | is a physical danger to your children.

01:08:06.600 | And we'll talk about abuse later on.

01:08:10.920 | But what are we dealing with?

01:08:12.680 | There are a variety in scripture.

01:08:14.440 | There are a variety of different types of step-families.

01:08:18.440 | And we're not going to take time to go into all of these.

01:08:21.520 | But if you were to take a look in Genesis chapter 4

01:08:24.360 | and verse 19, there's the polygamous type.

01:08:27.360 | Then there is the adulterous type.

01:08:29.320 | In Genesis 16, 3 and 21, 9 through 11.

01:08:32.440 | Deuteronomy 21, 15 through 17.

01:08:35.440 | There's a second type of polygamous form

01:08:40.000 | of step-families in Genesis 29, 31 through 35.

01:08:43.960 | And then there's the death of a spouse type

01:08:47.080 | in 2 Corinthians 12, 9, 13, 1, 28, and 29.

01:08:52.760 | These are all different kinds of step-families in scripture.

01:09:00.200 | The scripture really deals with this.

01:09:03.040 | Because in a lot of these, the same kind of pressure points

01:09:11.000 | in situations that we see today in contemporary step-family

01:09:15.000 | relationships, you can see in a lot

01:09:17.560 | of the polygamous relationships of the Old Testament.

01:09:27.680 | And boy, there are just a variety of wicked things.

01:09:30.960 | More prominently, probably, you could

01:09:34.560 | see this in David's own home.

01:09:36.880 | And the stress and the problems that

01:09:39.160 | occurred between the half sisters and brothers of David

01:09:47.280 | with his various wives are the same kind of pressures

01:09:52.400 | that you can see in contemporary step-family relationships.

01:09:56.440 | With this in mind, children are to be

01:10:04.480 | reared to think of themselves as second on the priority list.

01:10:10.360 | Priority in the home determines your authority.

01:10:15.200 | So it's vitally important that, as parents,

01:10:17.920 | you present a united front.

01:10:20.920 | It's vitally important that, as parents,

01:10:23.240 | you present a united front.

01:10:26.360 | That's where we say the children must not

01:10:29.400 | see a speck of daylight between you

01:10:31.960 | and your spouse in a step-family relationship.

01:10:36.520 | When you act and when you make decisions,

01:10:39.120 | you act and you make decisions as one.

01:10:41.800 | At the end of the last session, I mentioned, as my last point,

01:10:46.920 | the fleshly or sinful passions that children are born with.

01:10:50.480 | And the Bible tells us that a child, because

01:10:55.760 | of his sinful nature, is already well-disposed of himself.

01:11:01.640 | Contrary to Alfred Adler and Karen Horney and Abraham Maslow,

01:11:07.800 | and the rest of the Impressionistic child

01:11:10.800 | psychologists, in contrast to that, who believe that children

01:11:15.480 | are born with an inferiority complex that

01:11:18.720 | is fixed by the age of six, the Bible

01:11:21.760 | says that a child is born with an intense self-love

01:11:25.000 | that it looks out for itself naturally all the time.

01:11:29.600 | That's his or her depraved nature.

01:11:34.160 | So we would say this, that stepchildren are sinners, too.

01:11:40.000 | Proverbs 22.15, "Foolishness is bound up

01:11:45.200 | in the heart of a child."

01:11:46.400 | And you've heard me talking about this in the past, where

01:11:56.040 | in dealing with a young lady who came in for counseling,

01:12:01.840 | who came in for counseling here at the college

01:12:05.880 | because she had low self-esteem.

01:12:11.200 | And I talked with her about the fact

01:12:16.600 | that it really didn't make a whole lot of sense

01:12:18.520 | that she was saying that, because she

01:12:20.060 | was miserable and depressed.

01:12:21.520 | If she really had true low self-esteem,

01:12:23.520 | then she'd be saying, with all the difficulties

01:12:28.200 | and hardships that she was facing in life,

01:12:30.120 | she'd be saying, I really don't care about them.

01:12:33.680 | I'm not really depressed or discouraged, because after all,

01:12:36.520 | I think low of myself to begin with,

01:12:38.120 | so all these hardships are just naturally what I expect.

01:12:42.000 | The very fact that she was miserable and depressed

01:12:44.760 | demonstrates that she already has a lot of high self-esteem

01:12:47.440 | anyhow.

01:12:50.440 | And I was watching that same young lady, just an hour later,

01:12:54.000 | standing in the cafeteria line, rifling

01:12:56.200 | through the cherry tomatoes at the salad bar.

01:12:59.160 | What was she doing?

01:12:59.960 | And she rifled through those cherry tomatoes.

01:13:01.920 | Was she looking for the worst cherry tomatoes

01:13:05.040 | in the entire bunch to put on her salad

01:13:07.960 | because she thought low of herself?

01:13:10.920 | No, she wasn't.

01:13:11.800 | She was standing there rifling through those cherry tomatoes

01:13:15.400 | to find the best ones of the bunch to put on her salad.

01:13:19.320 | Why?

01:13:19.880 | Because that's our default nature.

01:13:24.080 | Our default nature, and a child's default nature,

01:13:27.000 | is always to think well of themselves.

01:13:30.240 | And so they look out for themselves naturally.

01:13:34.440 | That's the default nature of everyone.

01:13:37.720 | So the biblical description of a child is this way.

01:13:42.200 | Everyone wants to be sure they have the best.

01:13:48.600 | People always look out for themselves,

01:13:50.500 | and stepchildren are no different.

01:13:52.400 | And in fact, they tend to even be

01:14:03.440 | more at the mercy of their own desires

01:14:05.360 | because of the circumstances that

01:14:06.560 | have occurred in their life.

01:14:07.720 | Now let's take a look at the biblical description of a child.

01:14:15.060 | If you have your Bible and you want to draw this close,

01:14:19.560 | go over to Proverbs chapter 20 and verse 11.

01:14:26.560 | Let's do a little bit of biblical mathematics

01:14:28.760 | and add up how the Bible views a child.

01:14:33.480 | The Bible makes no distinction on whether these children

01:14:36.440 | are stepchildren, half brothers or sisters, adopted children.

01:14:47.040 | It makes no distinction.

01:14:48.040 | It just says all children are this way.

01:14:49.760 | Chapter 20 and verse 11 says it is by his deed

01:14:58.400 | that a lad distinguishes himself if his conduct is

01:15:02.000 | pure and right.

01:15:04.840 | So in essence, Proverbs says in chapter 20 verse 11

01:15:10.240 | that a child becomes known by his actions,

01:15:15.440 | either proper or improper action,

01:15:18.160 | the behavior of that child, whether it

01:15:21.560 | be by external deeds or attitudinal behavior,

01:15:26.440 | characterizes that child's life.

01:15:31.000 | You've heard people say, oh my goodness,

01:15:32.600 | that child's always caustic.

01:15:34.800 | Or you'll hear people say, every time I've ever

01:15:39.760 | seen that child, that child is always happy.

01:15:45.220 | So a child becomes known by his actions,

01:15:48.240 | whether they're proper or improper.

01:15:51.880 | Then we've already reviewed Proverbs 22.6,

01:15:54.140 | train up a child in the way he should go,

01:15:55.880 | and when he is old he will not depart from it.

01:15:57.840 | And we've said that that's not a promise, it's a warning.

01:16:04.040 | In other words, you train up a child in such a way

01:16:06.480 | that he walks his own way.

01:16:08.560 | When he is old, he'll not stop walking his own way.

01:16:13.360 | Now that's an important characteristic of a child.

01:16:17.140 | If you let a child be at the mercy of his or her own

01:16:20.540 | passions while they're growing up,

01:16:22.340 | and you don't call them into check when they grow old,

01:16:26.980 | they'll not stop that.

01:16:29.700 | And I think we used as an illustration 1 Kings chapter 1

01:16:34.540 | Adonijah, didn't we?

01:16:37.340 | And we talked about how David violated this.

01:16:42.980 | And I think it's interesting how Solomon, David's own son,

01:16:47.340 | writes in Proverbs 22.6.

01:16:49.660 | Because his own step-brother, so to speak, or half-brother,

01:16:53.900 | Adonijah, who was the son of Hagath, that was his mother,

01:17:00.600 | exalted himself.

01:17:01.540 | I mean, no wonder this kid was this way,

01:17:03.160 | to have a mother by the name of Hagath.

01:17:05.740 | But this son says, I will be king.

01:17:15.340 | And so he prepared for himself chariots and horsemen

01:17:17.460 | with 50 men to run before him.

01:17:19.180 | And his father had never crossed him at any time.

01:17:22.660 | And the Hebrew says, his father had never pained him,

01:17:27.140 | never brought pain into his life by asking, what have you done,

01:17:31.380 | or why have you done so?

01:17:33.100 | He never questioned him about anything.

01:17:34.720 | He let him do his own thing.

01:17:36.180 | And so that's a hands-off type of parenting.

01:17:39.300 | And so as a result of that, you train up a child in such a way

01:17:43.260 | where you have a hands-off role on that child.

01:17:45.740 | And when he grows old, he won't stop being that way.

01:17:48.100 | He'll be at the mercy of his own passions.

01:17:49.980 | And then 22.15 then says, a folly

01:17:54.940 | is bound up in the heart of a child.

01:17:56.740 | It's the rod of discipline to drive it far from him.

01:17:58.940 | I mean, he's not naturally wise.

01:18:01.320 | It's possible for children to be smart, even better

01:18:07.960 | than their siblings, or even better

01:18:09.800 | than other kids at their age.

01:18:11.520 | But that doesn't necessarily mean that a child is wise.

01:18:15.880 | There's a difference biblically.

01:18:18.640 | And it's significant later on in life.

01:18:22.200 | He's not wise and will choose the things

01:18:24.280 | on the basis of immediate gratification and satisfaction.

01:18:27.800 | And then 23.13 says, parents are warned not to leave

01:18:30.920 | a child without discipline.

01:18:34.800 | And then 29.15, a child left to himself

01:18:37.080 | will disgrace his mother.

01:18:38.640 | So if you were to sum up all that Proverbs

01:18:44.640 | has to say about a child, we could

01:18:47.220 | say that a child's judgment cannot be trusted.

01:18:49.920 | A child is foolhardy, tends to be undisciplined,

01:18:55.240 | and if left without correction, will go astray and disgrace

01:18:57.760 | his parents.

01:18:58.260 | Boy, that is not what the behaviorists say.

01:19:02.960 | The behaviorists say a child is basically born neutral.

01:19:05.560 | And you bring him up in the right kind of environment,

01:19:07.040 | and he'll turn out right.

01:19:08.080 | We can assume that a child left to himself,

01:19:15.120 | contrary to what Piaget says in terms of all

01:19:18.480 | of his self-discovery of truth, contrary to Piaget,

01:19:23.040 | a child left to himself grows up at the mercy of his own passions

01:19:27.080 | and urges.

01:19:29.040 | And he or she will follow those passions and urges

01:19:31.520 | as long as there's no external restraint

01:19:34.320 | or until the heart changes and they grow up

01:19:36.920 | in spiritual maturity.

01:19:39.160 | When a stepchild says, you're not my parent,

01:19:46.100 | it is a child's way of manipulating the situation

01:19:49.960 | for their own ends.

01:19:52.320 | You get me?

01:19:53.800 | When a stepchild says, you're not my parent,

01:19:57.120 | it is that stepchild's way of manipulating

01:20:00.760 | the situation for his own ends.

01:20:02.840 | All right.

01:20:07.080 | So a child's judgment cannot be trusted.

01:20:10.960 | This child who's left to himself will disgrace his parents.

01:20:19.000 | He grows up living at the mercy of his own passions and urges.

01:20:24.360 | And he or she will follow those passions and urges

01:20:26.720 | as long as there is no external restraint

01:20:28.480 | or until their heart changes and they grow up

01:20:30.560 | in spiritual maturity.

01:20:31.440 | So when they make those statements,

01:20:37.960 | you're not my parent, that's supposed

01:20:40.240 | to put off a step-parent.

01:20:42.400 | It's intended to cause the step-parent to back up and say,

01:20:46.480 | oh, you're right.

01:20:47.320 | I'm really not the parent.

01:20:48.440 | That child is manipulating a situation.

01:20:50.600 | The step-parent needs to respond in love to that situation

01:20:58.560 | and say, you may not think I'm your parent, but I do love you.

01:21:04.800 | And God has placed me here as a parent in your home

01:21:07.760 | at this particular time.

01:21:09.800 | And I am your parent.

01:21:10.960 | I may not be your biological parent.

01:21:13.520 | You have a biological father or mother.

01:21:15.840 | And I may not be that person.

01:21:18.320 | But still, in terms of authority in your life,

01:21:21.520 | I'm your parent.

01:21:24.520 | They may not like that.

01:21:25.720 | A child may stomp and scream and do whatever.

01:21:30.920 | But that doesn't change the fact that in God's eyes

01:21:34.520 | that step-parent is still in that home for a godly purpose,

01:21:44.640 | to bring some kind of authority or structure into that home.

01:21:49.400 | You take a look at Psalms 51 and verse 5.

01:21:55.080 | "Behold," David says, "I was brought forth in iniquity

01:21:58.040 | and in sin.

01:21:58.800 | My mother conceived me."

01:22:00.280 | Psalm 53, verses 2 and 3, "God has looked down from heaven

01:22:07.200 | upon the sons of man to see if there

01:22:08.680 | is anyone who understands or seeks after him.

01:22:11.400 | Every one of them has turned aside.

01:22:13.040 | Together they have become corrupt."

01:22:17.480 | Psalm 58, verse 3, "The wicked are estranged from the womb.

01:22:20.920 | These who speak lies go astray from birth."

01:22:25.320 | So children are not the innocent creatures

01:22:27.960 | we make them out to be.

01:22:29.120 | From birth, God says, they begin their wickedness.

01:22:37.200 | Paul on children, what does Paul say?

01:22:43.160 | 1 Corinthians 13, 12, "When I was a child,

01:22:45.400 | I used to speak as a child, think as a child,

01:22:48.240 | reason as a child.

01:22:49.880 | When I became a man, I did away with childish things."

01:22:55.080 | Now, to speak as a child is to say things without thinking.

01:22:59.680 | You ever seen kids talk?

01:23:01.240 | They just say things.

01:23:02.240 | Whatever comes to their minds is what they say.

01:23:05.920 | Wow, you're stupid.

01:23:08.040 | All right?

01:23:11.040 | They'll just say things.

01:23:12.120 | You heard about the family who invited the pastor over

01:23:19.200 | to their home one day to have a meal on a Sunday afternoon.

01:23:22.520 | And so in order to impress the pastor,

01:23:24.100 | the mother asked the young boy to return thanks for the meal.

01:23:28.600 | And the young boy didn't want to do it.

01:23:30.480 | And so the mother tried to encourage him and says,

01:23:32.760 | well, sweetheart, go ahead and pray.

01:23:34.920 | The pastor would like it if you'd pray.

01:23:38.600 | He says, well, mom, I don't know what to say.

01:23:40.560 | And she says, well, just say what I say.

01:23:44.080 | So the little boy bowed his head and said, dear Lord,

01:23:52.240 | we're happy to have the pastor here,

01:23:55.080 | but we hope he goes home soon.

01:24:03.280 | That's what a kid will do.

01:24:04.360 | To speak as a child is to speak without thinking.

01:24:10.320 | To think as a child is to think in selfish ways.

01:24:14.320 | To reason like a child is to make decisions

01:24:17.840 | based upon what is most beneficial at the moment.

01:24:20.240 | That's reasoning.

01:24:21.880 | There's really no logic except for whatever

01:24:24.160 | pleases me the most at this given moment.

01:24:28.920 | If you say to a child, I'll tell you what,

01:24:34.040 | I'm going to give you $100 right now.

01:24:39.520 | If you stop teasing your sister, but if you're

01:24:52.880 | able to do this for six weeks, I'll give you $100,000.

01:25:00.800 | 99% of young children are going to take the $100 right now.

01:25:06.520 | As an adult, we say, all they got to do is wait six weeks.

01:25:09.680 | They'll get $100,000.

01:25:12.560 | But a child's going to take that which is pleasurable

01:25:15.480 | at that given moment.

01:25:18.360 | What can I do with $100?

01:25:19.480 | Well, I could buy a Nintendo.

01:25:23.120 | I could get all the candy I ever wanted and get sick on it.

01:25:28.040 | And then Ephesians chapter 4 and verse 14

01:25:34.440 | says, as a result, we are no longer children tossed here

01:25:37.640 | and there by waves and carried about by every wind of doctrine,

01:25:40.560 | by the trickery of men, by craftiness

01:25:43.600 | and deceitful scheming.

01:25:45.240 | Now, what's that say?

01:25:46.760 | The biblical description of a child

01:25:48.200 | is that children are gullible.

01:25:50.800 | And they're easily led astray and deceived

01:25:53.120 | because of their foolishness and selfish ways.

01:25:56.240 | And deceitful people know that, and they

01:26:00.080 | will appeal to the children in their flesh.

01:26:02.840 | I mean, in our culture today, our children

01:26:08.280 | don't have hope because they're so gullible and so

01:26:11.440 | tied into their selfish ways.

01:26:13.880 | And they've got men out there paid millions of dollars

01:26:17.520 | every year to entice them to buy stuff they don't need.

01:26:20.000 | So deceitful men know how to appeal to their flesh.

01:26:26.000 | They can be taught to believe anything

01:26:27.920 | if it appeals to their passion and caters to their flesh

01:26:29.800 | right at that given moment.

01:26:30.920 | Think about how the scripture defines a child.

01:26:37.320 | Let me illustrate a child's basic nature.

01:26:44.280 | Have you ever heard of the 10 property laws of toddlers?

01:26:47.680 | If I like it, it's mine.

01:26:49.200 | If it's in my hand, it's mine.

01:26:51.440 | If I can take it from you, it's mine.

01:26:54.320 | If I had it a little while ago, it should be.

01:26:56.960 | It's mine.

01:26:59.400 | If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.

01:27:03.040 | If I'm building something, all the pieces are mine.

01:27:05.760 | If it looks just like mine, it's mine.

01:27:08.480 | If I saw it first, it's mine.

01:27:10.400 | If you're playing with something and you put it down,

01:27:12.680 | it automatically becomes mine.

01:27:15.080 | If it's broken, it's yours.

01:27:16.560 | That's the 10 property laws of toddlers.

01:27:23.520 | That's the way the toddler thinks.

01:27:25.600 | Now, how could anybody ever look at that

01:27:28.120 | and say that the basic nature of a child isn't selfish?

01:27:30.520 | Yeah, yeah.

01:27:34.760 | There's a lot of adults that think that way, too.

01:27:36.760 | That's exactly right.

01:27:39.800 | When you have children with that kind of an attitude

01:27:41.960 | in a stepfamily environment with all the unique struggles

01:27:44.600 | and temptations, you have a cauldron of trouble brewing.

01:27:48.760 | All right?

01:27:49.960 | That's what you have.

01:27:51.680 | All right.

01:27:52.200 | What about child psychology and step-parenting confusion?

01:27:54.920 | What about that?

01:27:56.400 | Well, in contrast to the biblical description

01:27:59.640 | of the nature of a child is the psychologized assumption

01:28:02.040 | that most biological parents adopt in reference

01:28:04.160 | to their children, especially when they and their children

01:28:07.320 | have been through a messy divorce

01:28:09.040 | and battled over child custody.

01:28:12.920 | Impressionistic child psychology has taught our culture

01:28:16.000 | and Christians well.

01:28:18.080 | Our culture tends to view the children as essentially

01:28:20.520 | good, innocent little people with highly impressionable

01:28:24.720 | psyches.

01:28:27.040 | Crisis events like the loss of a parent

01:28:29.360 | through death or emotional fights between a mother

01:28:32.120 | and father and nasty divorce, a lengthy child custody

01:28:35.760 | fight in the courts damage their innocent psyches

01:28:38.840 | and tear away at parent's heart.

01:28:43.680 | So given the bad events of the past, which

01:28:45.680 | might include the horrible mess of a divorce,

01:28:48.440 | and assuming the children have had enough negative things

01:28:51.800 | occur, biological mom--

01:28:56.440 | she's the one who usually becomes the custodial parent--

01:28:59.600 | begins to view the children as helpless victims who

01:29:02.480 | are emotionally scarred.

01:29:05.480 | And with that kind of view of children,

01:29:08.440 | no wonder that Christian parents buy

01:29:12.800 | into the nonsense that's presented

01:29:16.720 | them in Christian psychology.

01:29:19.920 | It basically says, seek out a therapist

01:29:22.120 | who specializes in blended family issues.

01:29:25.280 | That's what one encyclopedia of Christian psychology says.

01:29:31.200 | And the therapist doesn't even have to be a Christian.

01:29:37.080 | Why, because the therapist is going

01:29:38.520 | to help the children deal with these wounded psyches, which

01:29:42.440 | is the all-important thing for them.

01:29:44.040 | So the natural heart of the mother

01:29:52.460 | will want to buy into the image of her children

01:29:54.880 | being helpless victims of terrible circumstances.

01:29:59.000 | And so she proceeds to compensate for it

01:30:01.800 | in her attitude as well as her approach

01:30:03.680 | to discipline of her children.

01:30:06.420 | And on top of all of that enters into the mixed a new stepfather

01:30:12.400 | who wants to be a good father, wishes

01:30:14.280 | to help his new wife rear the children properly.

01:30:17.640 | But by contrast, a mom's approach

01:30:20.120 | to household discipline, which is pretty lenient,

01:30:24.320 | this new authority figure in their life

01:30:27.320 | appears to be Attila the Hun.

01:30:30.520 | I mean, this guy is a drill sergeant,

01:30:34.640 | even though he doesn't try to be.

01:30:36.440 | This is what happened in Larry and Judy's home.

01:30:42.440 | Judy began to realize she didn't like the way in which Larry

01:30:48.200 | ran the household, especially the way

01:30:50.480 | that he dealt with her children.

01:30:51.840 | Well, let me go back there for a minute.

01:30:56.480 | He appeared rigid to her, inflexible.

01:31:04.400 | She sided with her daughters frequently

01:31:06.280 | when a question of discipline came up.

01:31:08.700 | And after seeing all the negative stuff

01:31:10.280 | her children had gone through and losing her father

01:31:12.400 | and mother's-- her mother's heart ached for them.

01:31:15.760 | And to see Larry come into their new home

01:31:18.320 | and expect of her daughters things

01:31:21.040 | that she didn't expect of them was more

01:31:23.560 | than she could really take.

01:31:26.040 | So Judy found herself countering most of Larry's things,

01:31:30.600 | expectations of her children.

01:31:32.120 | And consequently, Larry was hearing things

01:31:34.440 | from her children like, that's not the way mom does it.

01:31:37.000 | You're not my father.

01:31:38.420 | And my father would have never done it that way.

01:31:40.840 | And my mom, when she gets home, she's

01:31:44.360 | going to change what you've done.

01:31:46.080 | In fact, Larry thought Judy's daughters had almost

01:31:51.920 | elevated their biological dad to the level of sainthood

01:31:55.080 | now that he was in heaven.

01:31:57.080 | It's tough to live in the shadow of a saint,

01:31:59.040 | especially one that could never do any wrong.

01:32:01.600 | Scripture warns us not to live in the past.

01:32:07.480 | It's wrong to dream about bygone days

01:32:09.680 | and to cultivate an unrealistic nostalgia.

01:32:12.520 | Ecclesiastes chapter 7 and verse 10,

01:32:16.160 | "Do not say, why is it that the former days are

01:32:18.480 | better than these?

01:32:19.360 | For it is not from wisdom that you ask about this."

01:32:23.800 | Well, another way of putting it is,

01:32:25.600 | you're a fool if you live with unrealistic images

01:32:28.220 | of past events.

01:32:29.720 | Why?

01:32:30.220 | Because human memory is notoriously self-serving.

01:32:35.680 | You and I tend to remember things

01:32:37.440 | in very self-favoring ways.

01:32:39.680 | That's exactly what Judy's daughters were doing.

01:32:43.740 | The point of Ecclesiastes 7 and verse 14

01:32:46.600 | is that in the day of prosperity, be happy.

01:32:49.320 | But in the day of adversity, consider God

01:32:52.000 | has made the one as well as the other.

01:32:54.600 | And since God made the bad day as well as the good day,

01:33:00.720 | it must always be for our good.

01:33:03.880 | And Judy's daughters have elevated

01:33:05.480 | their biological father to this unrealistic level,

01:33:07.920 | and Judy had allowed it to happen.

01:33:11.520 | Children are not emotionally helpless victims.

01:33:14.080 | They may be victims of sinful people, or physical abuse,

01:33:18.880 | or bad circumstances.

01:33:20.800 | But how they choose to deal with such things is their choice.

01:33:24.960 | And God made both the good and the bad times.

01:33:28.480 | They, in turn, are not helpless.

01:33:30.320 | They are human choice makers with selfish desires

01:33:33.440 | that swirl in this cauldron around them

01:33:36.280 | like powerful currents affecting the type of person

01:33:39.340 | that they are going to become once their choices are made.

01:33:45.040 | Often, children in remarried families

01:33:47.320 | will choose to view their past family life

01:33:49.600 | with idealized memories.

01:33:52.400 | This is something you have to address as a counselor.

01:33:57.920 | They're living in a make-believe world

01:34:00.120 | and refusing to accept reality.

01:34:02.960 | And those memories are colored in self-favoring ways.

01:34:09.260 | They enjoy the role of a pitiful, helpless victim,

01:34:12.000 | and they will use it because of their depravity

01:34:14.680 | for their own sinful ends.

01:34:19.080 | They forget the tough times in the past.

01:34:21.280 | They forget that.

01:34:22.640 | They don't remember the decisions

01:34:24.040 | and the actions of their biological father or mother

01:34:26.880 | that they just as vehemently disagreed with.

01:34:29.760 | In their sinful recounting of these memories,

01:34:32.600 | they'll leave out all the bad memories

01:34:34.320 | when they want to manipulate their step-parent.

01:34:36.480 | They would have everybody believe

01:34:37.900 | that their biological parent that's no longer with them

01:34:40.360 | made no mistakes or would never have

01:34:42.760 | had such unreasonable expectations of them.

01:34:45.840 | John.

01:34:47.760 | Just with children and authority in general,

01:34:50.280 | there's a natural bent for them to reject it.

01:34:53.840 | I recall as a child with the babysitter coming over,

01:34:58.140 | saying the exact same thing.

01:34:59.320 | You're not my mom.

01:35:00.280 | I don't have to listen to you.

01:35:01.540 | Yes.

01:35:02.040 | The same thing with the school teacher.

01:35:03.040 | Babysitters, yep.

01:35:04.200 | You're not my mom.

01:35:05.160 | I don't have to listen to you.

01:35:06.880 | So I guess my question is, it's not so much just

01:35:11.480 | with parent and step-parent as much as--

01:35:14.520 | Right.

01:35:16.000 | Teaching your child equitably at all levels of authority.

01:35:19.880 | Yeah.

01:35:20.380 | Is that true?

01:35:20.960 | But I think in the step-parent family relationship,

01:35:23.880 | because of the biological bond that's there

01:35:27.200 | and the fact that this new individual, the step-parent,

01:35:31.320 | lives in their home, it just makes it all the more acute.

01:35:36.440 | But you're right.

01:35:37.560 | Normal children have the same problem

01:35:40.120 | when a babysitter comes.

01:35:41.120 | They'll say, you're not my real father or mother.

01:35:45.160 | That's really true.

01:35:46.040 | I mean, that's true.

01:35:47.040 | Just magnify that 10 times in a step-parent relationship,

01:35:51.520 | and you see how tough it is.

01:35:53.400 | I mean, the babysitter can go home and get away from this.

01:35:57.280 | The step-parent can't.

01:35:58.520 | So we saw earlier that the Bible views children as essentially

01:36:04.880 | sinful and foolish.

01:36:05.800 | Their sinful nature and foolish hearts

01:36:07.380 | teach us that a child is both a responsible and stubborn

01:36:11.000 | decision maker.

01:36:12.880 | There will be adverse things that happen in their life,

01:36:15.320 | but they'll choose how they think and respond

01:36:17.440 | to those circumstances.

01:36:20.120 | Now, the therapeutic way of dealing with this

01:36:22.760 | is to get the child to talk about their feelings.

01:36:26.080 | In fact, a group of Christian psychologists

01:36:27.880 | advise, encourage all the participants

01:36:29.840 | in the new family, children and adults,

01:36:31.720 | to express their feelings openly in a constructive way.

01:36:34.480 | That's one step out of seven to help a blended family.

01:36:39.600 | Let me ask you a question.

01:36:40.680 | If you get these children together and you say to them,

01:36:44.800 | I want you to just openly express

01:36:47.080 | your feelings about your new family and step-family

01:36:50.160 | with mom and dad present, you know what it's going to be?

01:36:53.640 | It's going to be all-out war on that step-parent.

01:36:58.120 | There's just going to be all wickedness come out,

01:37:02.360 | because that child is going to say what the first thing

01:37:05.000 | on their mind.

01:37:06.520 | I hate you.

01:37:08.760 | Now, according to therapy, that's

01:37:10.560 | OK, because it's a cathartic thing that's going on there.

01:37:14.080 | I mean, if they're able to get these negative emotions

01:37:16.680 | and express them, they'll feel a lot better.

01:37:19.120 | Well, I got news for you.

01:37:20.240 | The feelings of the child is not the gauge of goodness

01:37:24.600 | in terms of the counseling relationship there.

01:37:26.920 | It's not.

01:37:27.840 | Never was.

01:37:29.280 | Righteousness is the gauge.

01:37:31.960 | And that child needs to learn to rethink that relationship

01:37:36.600 | in biblical terms and then deal with all this anger

01:37:40.520 | and realize how sinful that anger is

01:37:42.440 | towards their step-parent.

01:37:44.860 | So I believe a lot of self-centered memories

01:37:47.120 | and hurts are going to only come out,

01:37:48.660 | and then it will fuel a division.

01:37:50.520 | I don't believe there can be a constructive sharing

01:37:53.280 | of feelings when most step-children have the agenda

01:37:56.280 | to get rid of the step-parent.

01:37:58.320 | That's their agenda.

01:38:00.480 | In fact, it's going to be destructive.

01:38:02.320 | And as a counselor who desires to help

01:38:03.940 | the family deal biblically needs to get

01:38:07.440 | them to evaluate their feelings and their thoughts

01:38:09.720 | from scripture, not dump all their emotions

01:38:13.520 | like gigantic dump trucks in this big free-for-all

01:38:17.440 | of counseling to get all their grievances off their chest

01:38:20.360 | and have some kind of cathartic experience.

01:38:24.400 | It's not the idea.

01:38:26.360 | A unified parenting agreement here

01:38:28.600 | is essential in this cauldron.

01:38:33.160 | As a counselor, you need to cover four vital areas

01:38:37.640 | that the biological and step-parent

01:38:39.240 | needs to agree upon.

01:38:41.080 | Number one is this.

01:38:43.040 | They need to agree with the scripture

01:38:44.840 | about the roles of the husband and wife in the home.

01:38:47.440 | This is not to negotiate the roles.

01:38:51.440 | There's no negotiation going on here.

01:38:54.040 | But as a counselor, you're going to teach them the roles,

01:38:56.920 | and they're going to fix these roles of the husband

01:38:59.320 | and wife in their home.

01:39:01.560 | That's key.

01:39:04.200 | Assuming both parents are biological--

01:39:07.120 | or both parents are Christian and desire

01:39:09.800 | to do things God's way, they've got

01:39:11.600 | to understand and be willing to practice

01:39:13.320 | biblical roles of husband and wife within the home.

01:39:16.160 | Too often, this issue is ignored in counseling step-families.

01:39:21.280 | But it's common reason so much conflict

01:39:23.720 | is going on in the home.

01:39:26.520 | Practicing the proper biblical roles within the step-family

01:39:30.040 | is like setting boundary lines in tennis.

01:39:33.120 | People can still break the rules,

01:39:34.520 | but the boundary lines of the husband and wife

01:39:36.200 | determines the court area in which the game's

01:39:38.120 | going to be played.

01:39:39.360 | And you need to set those boundary lines so

01:39:41.160 | that the kids understand it.

01:39:43.920 | They're not open for discussion or revision.

01:39:46.640 | They are what God expects in the home.

01:39:48.720 | The husband is the head of the home.

01:39:50.920 | Ephesians 5, 25 through 33.

01:39:53.240 | I don't care whether he's a stepfather or not.

01:39:55.680 | He's the head of that home.

01:39:57.920 | Mom's not anymore.

01:40:00.720 | Now that she's remarried, this means

01:40:02.360 | that he is to be a loving servant in that home,

01:40:05.560 | setting examples of meeting the needs of every family

01:40:08.040 | member without partiality.

01:40:10.200 | It also means that he is the one who

01:40:13.520 | has the last say on the discipline of the children,

01:40:15.760 | even if he's a stepfather.

01:40:17.960 | It is the fathers in the home who

01:40:19.720 | are responsible in God's eyes for bringing up

01:40:22.480 | a child in the discipline and nurture of the Lord.

01:40:25.520 | Larry abrogated his authority when

01:40:27.800 | he decided to stop coming home and spend evenings

01:40:30.840 | at the office.

01:40:31.360 | He should seek and trust, however, his wife's insight

01:40:39.040 | into her biological children.

01:40:40.760 | He doesn't ignore that.

01:40:41.720 | If he really loves his wife, he's

01:40:43.100 | going to listen to her carefully.

01:40:44.760 | And he's going to listen to her insight

01:40:47.160 | and actually follow her counsel.

01:40:48.880 | And he's responsible to lead his home

01:40:54.360 | in a selfless, caring way by treating

01:40:56.480 | her biological children as lovingly as he does his own,

01:41:01.360 | roughly parallel to the way in which the kinsman redeemer is

01:41:05.180 | to treat the family and the wife of his brother

01:41:10.840 | or distant cousin when he marries her and takes her

01:41:17.360 | under his household.

01:41:20.040 | The wife, then, is a suitable helper,

01:41:21.600 | submissive to the husband's leadership.

01:41:23.960 | She's responsible to support her husband

01:41:25.840 | and follow his lead in all matters

01:41:27.760 | unless he requires something of her that's

01:41:29.520 | clearly unbiblical and immoral.

01:41:33.000 | She must ensure that the children see a unified front

01:41:37.380 | in front of her husband.

01:41:39.120 | It's not his responsibility to come in line with her ideas.

01:41:41.800 | It's her responsibility to come in line with his ideas.

01:41:45.580 | Of course, as a good leader, the husband

01:41:47.240 | is going to be careful to listen to her concerns in regard

01:41:49.840 | to the children and take them seriously into account when he

01:41:52.340 | makes decisions.

01:41:54.880 | Antibiblical, feminist, egalitarian dogmas

01:41:57.680 | of male-female roles within the home

01:41:59.840 | have done more to produce confusion and division

01:42:03.240 | within stepfamilies than any other single element.

01:42:06.520 | In our case, Judy decided at one point

01:42:09.240 | to reject her husband's leadership

01:42:11.600 | and to always side with her daughters.

01:42:15.140 | And it caused a fissure in the family and almost tore it apart.

01:42:18.520 | She decided her ideas of child-rearing

01:42:20.480 | were better than his ideas.

01:42:22.280 | And her children took full advantage of it.

01:42:27.320 | Now, I realize that our scenario up to this particular point

01:42:29.760 | haven't dealt with an unbelieving spouse.

01:42:32.580 | What do you do if you have a stepfather who's an unbeliever?

01:42:35.080 | What do you do if the stepmother is an unbeliever?

01:42:37.160 | And the short answer is simple.

01:42:38.720 | Putting into action is more complicated.

01:42:40.720 | The believing spouse is still responsible to practice

01:42:43.440 | the same God-given biblical role.

01:42:46.040 | Of course, any time an unbelieving spouse

01:42:47.760 | would require anything that is clearly not scriptural,

01:42:51.040 | the believing spouse has a biblical responsibility

01:42:54.440 | to obey God rather than man.

01:42:57.120 | In any case, stepchildren desperately

01:42:58.920 | need to see biblical roles practiced in the home.

01:43:03.040 | Secondly, communication that addresses

01:43:05.120 | the hearts of the children.

01:43:06.840 | Another common error of many stepparents

01:43:09.120 | is to come into a new home situation,

01:43:11.600 | lay down the law, especially stepfathers.

01:43:17.080 | The home was never intended to be a police state.

01:43:21.680 | A home must be built on close personal relationship.

01:43:25.320 | So if you're a stepparent who is given to legislating laws,

01:43:29.760 | you're guilty of behaviorism.

01:43:31.920 | You'll produce children and stepchildren

01:43:34.520 | who will be little Pharisees.

01:43:35.880 | On the outside, they'll know how to perform.

01:43:40.560 | But on the inside, they'll rebel against you

01:43:42.480 | and everything you stand for.

01:43:44.840 | You've got to learn to address their hearts

01:43:46.600 | as a biological parent and a stepparent.

01:43:48.960 | Don't be the type of parent that just passes out discipline

01:43:52.200 | like an arresting officer.

01:43:54.160 | Children, and especially stepchildren,

01:43:57.040 | need to be convinced in the depths of their own heart

01:43:59.720 | that you have their long-term interests in mind.

01:44:04.020 | The way you build this is through

01:44:05.360 | meaningful, godly communication.

01:44:07.560 | And that takes time.

01:44:08.480 | It takes practice.

01:44:10.320 | Most stepparents prefer behavioristic parenting

01:44:13.080 | techniques because it's very quick and easy.

01:44:15.760 | Larry loved discipline-- I mean, behaviorism.

01:44:20.360 | He thought parenting consisted in laying down rules

01:44:22.800 | and correcting the children when they violated him.

01:44:25.760 | And his rationalization-- he rationalized his approach

01:44:30.200 | with the observation that Judy had let her kids go on

01:44:35.440 | for so many years with little discipline

01:44:38.120 | that he had to make up for lost time.

01:44:40.280 | No wonder her step-- or his stepdaughters hated him.

01:44:45.600 | Parents-- good parenting does involve discipline.

01:44:52.240 | But as children grow older, the discipline

01:44:54.520 | needs to be replaced with instruction.

01:44:57.480 | Children need to internalize biblical principles.

01:45:01.120 | And it is patient, loving communication

01:45:03.720 | that will make that happen.

01:45:07.080 | So help your children and your stepchildren

01:45:08.880 | address the idols of their heart.

01:45:10.360 | Help them learn how to understand their own heart

01:45:12.440 | and what drives their actions and attitudes.

01:45:15.080 | Train them, as we've talked about earlier in this class,

01:45:18.120 | to be biblically wise in evaluating their wants

01:45:20.760 | and their desires and their cravings.

01:45:23.280 | Those eight questions that we asked earlier

01:45:25.320 | in addressing the heart, those eight questions

01:45:28.480 | are key questions.

01:45:29.400 | Of course, if you as a parent are not

01:45:35.960 | honest about your own heart idols, they will never be.

01:45:39.280 | Larry wanted a submissive wife and obedient children.

01:45:43.480 | And the fact that he grew angry, withdrew,

01:45:45.840 | and began to consider divorce revealed

01:45:48.080 | that his desires had become idolatrous desires.

01:45:52.880 | Furthermore, his biological children's stepfather

01:45:56.280 | was a major test of trust in him.

01:45:58.500 | Well, he really wasn't a stepfather,

01:46:00.040 | because he wasn't married to Larry's ex-wife.

01:46:02.360 | But technically, he was, in a sense,

01:46:04.720 | acting like a stepfather.

01:46:07.080 | And Judy, then, on the other hand,

01:46:08.920 | didn't want her children to suffer any more adversity.

01:46:11.280 | And so she was unwilling to confront her children

01:46:13.460 | with their rebellious ways.

01:46:15.120 | This became an idol in Judy's heart.

01:46:17.760 | She also began to resent Larry's children,

01:46:19.760 | because they brought additional unwanted trouble

01:46:22.320 | into her home.

01:46:23.760 | She had an idol of peace at any cost for her children.

01:46:27.200 | Until Larry and Judy confront their own idols,

01:46:29.400 | they're never going to be able to help their own children

01:46:31.880 | with theirs.

01:46:34.160 | Now, how can Larry and Judy help their children?

01:46:37.960 | Well, here's the communication part of it.

01:46:40.520 | Larry's biological children.

01:46:42.800 | His daughter and son want their old family to be restored.

01:46:48.200 | They're angry and they're bitter, because Larry's

01:46:50.200 | remarriage has prevented it.

01:46:51.960 | It's wrong for them to want the restoration of their father

01:46:54.360 | and mother.

01:46:54.860 | Was that wrong?

01:46:55.760 | No.

01:46:56.760 | But they have allowed that desire

01:46:58.280 | to be more important than God's will in their lives.

01:47:02.080 | They want their old home more than they want to please God.

01:47:06.400 | And that's rebellion against God.

01:47:10.080 | This is what drives their anger towards Judy

01:47:12.640 | and all of their disagreements with Judy's children.

01:47:15.340 | Larry can help them understand this

01:47:17.000 | and show them how the Bible says that bitterness and anger

01:47:22.200 | can destroy their lives.

01:47:24.680 | Judy can help her stepchildren by loving them

01:47:29.160 | in spite of their anger and showing them

01:47:31.880 | that their real anger is against God.

01:47:37.040 | As Ecclesiastes 7.14 said earlier,

01:47:39.960 | God makes the bad times as well as the good.

01:47:42.960 | But he always has our long-term interests and good in mind.

01:47:50.520 | Now, what about Judy's biological children?

01:47:53.800 | Well, Judy's teenage daughters have

01:47:55.520 | grown used to their mother's full attention for eight years.

01:47:58.840 | They now view Larry as a chief competitor

01:48:01.280 | in striving for mom's attention.

01:48:03.560 | Mom even treated them almost as an equal

01:48:06.440 | after their father's death.

01:48:08.760 | And now that she no longer had a husband to turn to for comfort

01:48:11.680 | and to share her adult concerns about life,

01:48:14.160 | she turned to her oldest daughters.

01:48:16.120 | So they had become accustomed to being on the same adult level

01:48:18.800 | as their mother.

01:48:20.680 | Combine the factors that Judy did not

01:48:23.080 | want to practice good discipline with them,

01:48:26.240 | believing that they had suffered already

01:48:27.960 | enough because of the death of their father,

01:48:29.800 | and the fact that they no longer viewed Judy as an authority

01:48:33.600 | figure but as an equal companion, all of those issues

01:48:37.680 | conspired together to cause her daughters

01:48:40.480 | to view all adults as equal.

01:48:43.160 | And when Larry came into the home,

01:48:44.960 | Larry was an equal to them.

01:48:46.560 | Consequently, when Larry came in as an authority figure that

01:48:54.640 | was intent on having a well-disciplined family,

01:48:56.880 | their resentment turned to hatred and open rebellion.

01:49:00.960 | Judy's son had a different heart idol.

01:49:04.440 | He had always wanted a father like other boys his age.

01:49:07.040 | Larry was a welcome addition to the family,

01:49:08.780 | but Larry's biological son was a threat to his dream.

01:49:12.160 | Jealousy grew in his heart as Larry's son

01:49:14.520 | came for a visit every weekend.

01:49:16.900 | And his dream for a father did not include a stepbrother

01:49:20.840 | that he'd have to share his father with.

01:49:24.960 | Soon, Judy's son was taking every opportunity

01:49:27.520 | he could to privately sabotage Larry's relationship

01:49:30.280 | with his biological son when Larry wasn't around.

01:49:33.920 | Now, Judy needs to help her daughters and her sons

01:49:37.160 | see the issues that dominate their hearts.

01:49:40.560 | Larry, as their stepfather, can support this effort

01:49:44.000 | by individually building personal relationships

01:49:46.200 | with each of those stepchildren.

01:49:49.040 | And together, they need to meet with each of the children

01:49:52.280 | individually and work with them to identify and repent

01:49:56.200 | of these idols biblically.

01:49:58.460 | Issues like anger, bitterness, resentment, jealousy,

01:50:01.800 | unfulfilled expectations are all addressed--

01:50:05.880 | they're all a part of this home, and they're

01:50:07.720 | addressed in the Bible.

01:50:09.280 | Larry and Judy must do their biblical homework

01:50:11.520 | and arrange time to build this kind of understanding

01:50:14.520 | with each child.

01:50:16.320 | Now, number three, minimal rules for the home.

01:50:21.620 | What are those?

01:50:22.760 | Well, you could divide them into two groups.

01:50:25.880 | Number one, there's absolute rules

01:50:28.100 | that cannot be compromised.

01:50:31.860 | Where the Bible speaks about the conduct of people and children

01:50:34.700 | in clarity, it must be known that these cannot be

01:50:37.100 | compromised in the home.

01:50:38.800 | Those are God's absolute rules.

01:50:41.460 | Those are the rules of heaven.

01:50:45.540 | They're not just the household rules.

01:50:48.680 | But the second type is rules of the household.

01:50:53.100 | And those are not necessarily God's rules,

01:50:55.060 | but a stepdad and stepmom's best ways of living out

01:50:58.540 | godliness in their home.

01:51:00.200 | They're not always perfect, because they

01:51:02.140 | are human inventions.

01:51:03.700 | But unless there is a good biblical reason,

01:51:05.620 | they should be changed.

01:51:08.420 | Children are supposed to follow them.

01:51:10.360 | What are we talking about?

01:51:11.460 | We're talking about standards of cleaning, rooms, curfews,

01:51:14.380 | dress, music, chores, allowance, use of the car,

01:51:17.460 | academic grades, choice of friends.

01:51:19.980 | All of those are wisdom issues that

01:51:21.980 | have no direct biblical commands.

01:51:26.220 | But parents must make decisions about these issues

01:51:28.580 | if they're going to be good parents.

01:51:31.100 | Last of all, what are the procedures and policy

01:51:34.900 | for discipline?

01:51:35.780 | And I believe it is vitally important

01:51:38.860 | that a step-parent and biological parent

01:51:40.640 | sit down and work out a consistent, workable plan

01:51:43.540 | of discipline for their home that both in good conscience

01:51:47.600 | can be committed to.

01:51:49.100 | Often, a biblical counselor can help them work through this.

01:51:51.600 | But remember the warning of Ephesians 6:4.

01:51:54.140 | Don't produce a plan that will incite your children

01:51:56.380 | to anger and exasperation.

01:51:59.700 | I like what Charles Hodge says in commenting on Ephesians 6:4,

01:52:03.780 | that parents are not to excite the bad passions

01:52:06.120 | of their children, nor is the father, by his own conduct,

01:52:09.740 | to nurture evil in the heart of the child.

01:52:14.300 | William Hendrickson, his commentary,

01:52:15.820 | says do not exasperate or embitter your child.

01:52:18.220 | Do not provoke your child to an angry mood.

01:52:21.580 | Larry, in our example, could very well

01:52:24.540 | have done this with his stepchildren.

01:52:26.540 | In other words, do not provoke your children

01:52:28.660 | to a wrathful kind of living, to become

01:52:30.980 | angry young men and women.

01:52:32.980 | You'll produce an angry man or woman

01:52:35.020 | that Proverbs warns about in Proverbs 22, 24,

01:52:39.500 | or a man of great anger in Proverbs 19, 19,

01:52:42.940 | or a man who has no control over his spirit in Proverbs 25, 28.

01:52:49.540 | So those are the four rules of basic agreement

01:52:55.340 | that need to be there.

01:52:57.540 | So the husband must be the head of the home.

01:53:03.620 | The wife is a suitable helper.

01:53:05.100 | The biblical communication, the rules

01:53:09.780 | must be policy in the home.

01:53:14.460 | Absolute rules of God cannot be compromised.

01:53:17.660 | Provisional rules of the household are needed.

01:53:20.840 | Biblical discipline should be consistent.

01:53:22.740 | That's what we're after.

01:53:25.620 | Questions about that?

01:53:27.060 | Covered a lot of material.

01:53:31.900 | Let me emphasize in this before you leave.

01:53:34.860 | In counseling, it's vitally important

01:53:36.940 | that if the step parents disagree,

01:53:39.940 | that they disagree with one another behind closed doors,

01:53:44.020 | out of the view and the hearing of the children.

01:53:48.180 | If mom disagrees with dad, she does it behind closed doors.

01:53:52.260 | They are always presenting a united front

01:53:55.900 | before the children, where the children do not

01:53:57.940 | see a speck of daylight between mom and dad.

01:54:03.060 | That always-- especially in a step parent home.

01:54:11.580 | Well, I have one last assignment.

01:54:14.220 | Have a good evening.

01:54:16.460 | Bye.

01:54:18.020 | [AUDIO OUT]

01:54:21.380 | [AUDIO OUT]

01:54:24.740 | [BLANK_AUDIO]

Lecture 14 (Extended): Marriage and Family Counseling - Dr. John D. Street

Chapters