Gracious Lord, we again are grateful tonight for the opportunity to be able to study marriage and the family from scripture. And we have covered an awful lot of material already this semester. And as we go into our final sessions together, I pray that you'll continue to help us to be alert.

This has been a good class. We've had a wonderful time together interacting on a variety of issues that deal with marriage and parenting and the home. And now we're entering into a territory that are some of the more controversial and hot topics. I pray that you'll help us to understand them as your word addresses them sufficiently.

This we ask in Christ's name, amen. All right. Tonight we want to work on the issue of blended families. So if you have your material there in front of you or your student outline, it is on what page is that? It's on page 70. OK. It is on page 70.

So let's see if we can talk about this. Dealing with blended family conflicts in counseling, I think, is one of the most challenging types of counseling for marriage and the family that you will face. This is a tough issue. And there's a lot of heated exchange that usually goes on in blended family counseling.

And in just a little bit, we're going to take a look at a case study we've entitled Larry and Judy. But let me make a couple of comments by way of preface. The term blended family really is somewhat of a misleading term. It's a secular term. And in fact, the usage of the label by a lot of sociologists and psychologists, whether they call themselves Christians or not, creates, I think, more ambiguity in dealing with the problems that occur in blended families and somewhat typifies the reason why there is so much struggle and difficulty in resolving the problems that that terminology represents.

What are we talking about? We're talking about two distinct people, a husband and a wife, with their respective children, who are properly married, is what oftentimes is referred to as a blended family. They bring their respective children into that relationship from a previous relationship and/or previous marriage. In reality, from a biblical standpoint, it does not represent a blended family.

They form a family. You follow what I'm saying? It doesn't represent a blended family. They form a family. Whether they or their children wish to acknowledge it or not, they are one in God's eyes. They're not blended. And I believe that we have to resist the human tendency to think of them as two distinct families living under one roof who, in a sense, have to put up or learn how to cope with one another.

All right, I'll tell you again, I hate that word cope. We ought to get rid of that out of Christian vocabulary. We're not here to help people cope. Nowhere in the Bible does it ever say that. We're here to help people resolve problems biblically, not learn how to cope with each other, which basically translated in popular cultural slang as, OK, I'm going to teach you how to put up with the other person and how to just kind of survive this misery, cope.

No, we're not going to teach people how to survive misery. We want to teach them how to respond biblically to the hardships and the unique problems that blended families present. So whether we like it or not, they are-- whether they like it or not, they are one family in God's eyes, not blended.

So I believe that we have to resist the human tendency to think of them as two distinct families living under one roof. What God has joined together are no longer two, but one. Now, I fully realize they may not feel like they're a family. They may not even function like one family.

And they certainly don't consider themselves to be one family unit, especially if you talk with the respective children of either one of the spouses. But that does not change the fact that they are. When I first went in the military, I didn't feel like a soldier. I didn't function like a soldier.

And I certainly didn't think like a soldier. But that didn't change the fact that I was a soldier. That's who I was. In other words, listen, at the very core of their problems is the way that they choose to think and actually believe certain things about themselves. At the very core of their problems is the way that they choose to think and believe about themselves.

So probably, I would like to call them step-family with step-parenting and step-partnering problems, because that really is where the problems lie. Now, what I would like to do is I would like to give you a typical scenario that you may face in your ministry when counseling this kind of a family.

And if this scenario sounds like any particular family that you know, it's by coincidence, because this family is fictitious. And it is built upon, really, my own experience in counseling step-families and reading and studying about this issue biblically. According to national statistics here in America, studies on family in America, the most typical step-family with problems involves a divorced father whose biological children live with their biological mother, his former wife, who has-- this divorced father has remarried a divorced woman with an average of two biological children of her own still living with her.

Now, that's the national average. Now, the case study that I want to give you presents something similar to that. And I've made a few variations of this purposely in order to point out and highlight some things that I want to stress in biblical counseling. But that's the reason why I've changed a little bit of this scenario.

So the variations reflect what I believe you're going to find in the Christian community. And it also affords me the opportunity to point out some, I think, important issues and facts that you're going to need to address that will add some clarity to counseling and the problems there. So let's talk about Larry and Judy, OK?

Larry and Judy are a couple who were previously married. And they found each other at church and immediately hit it off. In fact, I think in your student notes, I've put the scenario. Larry has been divorced for less than two years. But Judy's been widowed for almost eight years.

Everyone at church believed they were the ideal couple. In fact, a couple of self-appointed matchmakers at church took credit for putting the two of them together. And I think it's always amazing how these matchmakers fade into the background when it becomes obvious that this new family is having problems.

Judy has two teenage daughters and a nine-year-old son-- so she has three kids-- from her first marriage that's living with her. Larry has a daughter of 13 years of age and a son of 10 who lives with his ex-wife. Now, during their courtship, everyone was excited except Judy's teenage daughters, who stood off from the whole thing and were polite, but were confused and didn't know what to think.

On the one hand, they were happy that mom seemed so happy-- in fact, happier than they could remember for years. On the other hand, they were not comfortable with the fact that Larry was taking so much of mom's time and was beginning to act a little like a father figure with them.

He wasn't their father. Their father was in heaven, and Larry could never replace their father. Any suggestion of that was repulsive to them. So Judy's son didn't seem to mind Larry's sudden intrusion into their home, however, because he was only one when his father had died, and he didn't really remember his father.

And so he always wanted a dad, and Larry represented for the first time in his life a father. Larry's ex-wife had left him for another man, who she was still living with and refused to return, even after going through church discipline with their church. The divorce was still fresh in the minds of Larry's two children when they introduced them to their future step mother, Judy.

Well, they disliked her from the beginning. After all, they still hoped mom and dad would eventually get back together again, and this new stepmother was a serious threat to that dream. At least their biological mother had not married her boyfriend. Both Larry and Judy noticed the awkwardness and tension when they first took a picnic with the two sets of children, but both attributed it to adjustment jitters, which would only be a temporary thing.

Once everyone got settled in, everything would be fine, they reasoned. And even Larry's ex-wife didn't like the idea of Judy, not because she wanted to go back to Larry, but if Larry married Judy, the courts may view that as a more stable home, and then she would lose custody of her daughter and her son.

So she didn't like the idea of the fact that Judy had suddenly come into Larry's life, and now if Larry were to marry Judy, then this would be a more stable relationship, and now the courts would look with favor upon that, and she could lose her biological children to this new home.

So in spite of all the red flags and the excitement of their romance and believing all of the negative things would blow over, Larry and Judy decided to marry. With the exception of Judy's youngest son, both sets of children didn't want to come to the wedding. In fact, one of Judy's daughters showed up in a black dress to protest the marriage.

Judy was angry and hurt, but withheld her comments to try to preserve the happiness of the occasion. She tried to smooth it over with Larry by saying, well, you know teenagers, changes are always hard on them. She'll get over it soon. Regardless of Judy's efforts to smooth it over, Larry did worry.

After a dreamy honeymoon on the Isle of Maui, the newlyweds returned to a tension-filled household. Both Larry and Judy were determined to make it work. Larry found out that Judy's daughters greeted him with a silent treatment, and he decided to make the best of it by treating them kindly until six weeks had passed and things were only worse.

Every time they had a problem with their homework, they would always go to their mother, even they'd wait until she returned when she was gone. And when Larry was home alone with them, they refused his help. So Larry was reaching the boiling point. He found that he and Judy were arguing more and more about the children.

To make matters worse, when Larry's children visited, they didn't like Judy's cooking and would often refuse to eat. On weekends, when they were in the home, a turf war would break out between the two sets of children. And Judy's daughters let Larry's daughter know that she was not welcome in their home.

Furthermore, even though Judy's nine-year-old son enjoyed having Larry as his new father, he resented Larry's biological son coming on weekends. He felt that Larry favored his son and would leave him out of their times together. He looked for times to secretly remind Larry's son that he had his father most of the time seeking to drive a wedge between Larry and his son.

It was beginning to work. Larry noticed that his biological son was speaking more and more favorably about his ex-wife's boyfriend, all the fun times they were having, going to amusement parks and ball games. This left Larry with a sinking feeling inside, especially since this boyfriend was not a Christian and he refused to go to church.

Then add to the fact that Larry's church had disciplined his new girlfriend for leaving Larry, so he was sour on Christians and church. To make matters worse, his influence on Larry's son was a bad one that resulted in a bad attitude and vocabulary. Every weekend, it seemed that Larry spent half of his time trying to correct the bad attitudes and behavior in both his daughter and his son.

From Larry's perspective, he thought he would see some improvements after six months of marriage, but the opposite seemed to be true. Instead of peace, things in the family seemed to be unraveling. Judy noticed the same thing. She was beginning to realize that she didn't like the way that Larry ran the household.

It was not the way that she and her children were used to. They didn't like his rules. They're rigid, inflexible. She found herself siding with her daughters when they would announce, that's not the way that mom does it. Larry, too, noted that they had very different parenting styles and her daughters did not accept his new role as head of the household.

Interestingly, he discovered that if he tried to exercise discipline or use any kind of parental authority over them, he was overruled when they appealed to their mother. All their dreams of having a loving Christian home were quickly vanishing. After a year, so much resentment and bitterness had built up, it was impossible to have any fun together as a family.

The tension in the home was thick. You could cut it with a knife. Larry was spending more and more time at the office, and Judy and the kids seemed to be happy with that. Their dream had turned into a horrid nightmare. Even people at church knew something was wrong.

Judy's daughters could say nothing good about their stepdad. They always referred to him with disgust as that Larry, or not father, dad, or stepdad. People could also see that Larry and Judy were not the happy Christians they used to be. It seemed like they were dying inside. There was no joy in their lives, just mere existence.

Their goal became a simple one. Just make it through another day. That was their goal. 18 months into the marriage, Larry and a close friend were playing golf when Larry dropped a bomb by announcing that he was thinking of divorcing Judy. She doesn't respect me. Her daughters despise me.

My children hate her. The only person that seems to remotely like having me around is her son. Do you know what is ironic? He said stoically to his golfing buddy. After my first divorce, I was determined never to allow this to happen again. I wanted to have the best Christian home possible.

I really tried, but I was overruled and frustrated every turn. I almost can't believe that I'm saying this. Don't you love Judy? His friend prodded. I don't know. I don't feel anything anymore. All my emotions are gone. I'm cold and empty on the inside, going about my responsibilities every day like a robot.

And I know that this is not the way the Christian life is supposed to be. Frankly, I've given up hope for this marriage. And if I read Judy right, she has too. I've tried everything. But I believe we'd both be happier living apart. At least I know her children would be.

Everything is a pretty big statement. Have you really tried everything, his friend remarked? Have you and Judy tried going to one of the pastors of our church to get some biblical answers for these problems? No. He shot back. I know what they'll tell me to do, pray about it and have devotions with the family.

Well, you know what? I did that, and Judy's daughters fought me every step of the way. It was war every time I tried to be a spiritual leader. Hey, give our pastors more credit than that. There are hard issues here that need to be addressed. And I think you need to try to get some good biblical help.

After what happened in your first marriage, I'd hate to see you give up so easily. Larry's friend was right. So Larry and Judy sit in front of you for their first counseling appointment. Tension is thick in the room. What are you going to do? It's up to you. What are you going to do?

How are you going to handle this problem? Does the Bible say anything that will really give some substantive help to Larry and Judy? Or are we going to have to go on the web and Google in "blended families" and find some answers there on the web in order to try to deal with this particular problem?

The Bible may not be sufficient, but the world wide web is. It has all the answers. No, I don't think so. Regretfully, that's what a lot of Christians would do, even Christians that believe the Bible. They're just out there groping in darkness in the midst of this ocean of information called the world wide web for whatever seemingly seems practical.

When in reality, a lot of that advice is going to do nothing but add gasoline to a smoldering fire. And it's going to explode into a disaster. What do you need to do? Well, let's find out. Step families need hope. If there ever was a counseling scenario where hope needs to be given, it's in this kind of scenario.

I mean, Larry's disgusted. He's lost all hope. He doesn't really believe that there is any possibility for any real change. He sees this spiraling down deeper and deeper. Judy sees the same thing. They're not happy together anymore. This whole home has broken down. Step families need broad based hope.

The first order of business after you have thoroughly listened to the situation and you've gathered the appropriate data, and then later on between counseling sessions, you're going to spend a lot of time thinking through and interpreting that data. But one of the first things you can do early in counseling, even in the first session, is leave some time to give Larry and Judy some hope.

Romans chapter 8, verses 28 and 29, 1 Corinthians 10, 13 are very common, but very important, broad based promises that they need to hear. There's no temptation taken you except for what is common to man and God is faithful. He will always-- he will always, because of his faithful, provide a way of escape.

And Romans 8, 28 talks about the fact that there's nothing-- there's nothing out there in the world whatsoever that God hasn't ordained and he's ordained it for good. And Romans 15, in verse 4, refers to the help that scripture can be when it says, for whatever was written really in earlier times was written for our instruction, that through endurance and the encouragement of scripture, we might have hope.

Later on in verse 13, there is-- of Romans 15, the apostle Paul describes God and his desires for the people he wrote to. Now, may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace and believing that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

So our God is a God of hope. And this is not a hope that contains any uncertainty to it. Sometimes we use the word that way. It is a hope that knows for sure that he will fulfill his promises. The apostle Peter puts it in 1 Peter 1, 3.

"Blessed is the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who, according to his great mercy, has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead." There can be no greater thing that man's ever going to face that will overwhelm him with hopelessness other than death itself.

That's the great hopelessness. And if God conquers death, and he did in Christ, your greatest foe, then he has answers for strife even in the home of a step family. Larry and Judy needs to have a faithful biblical counselor, a faithful pastor who takes the word of God seriously, take verses like these and many more, and minister hope to their despairing hearts.

I like what Jay Adams used to say. God is up to something here, and he's up to something good. Even in this hardship, God is up to something, and he is up to something good. Well, step families also need specific hope. Another vital aspect of hope means helping them to see it in the specific details of their situation.

And I believe one of the biggest things here in step family conflicts-- now, listen to me-- is helping them to own their own personal responsibility for their attitudes and actions, helping them to own their own personal responsibility for their attitudes and actions. Now, that is a very basic idea, but it is profound in the culture in which we live.

Because most psychologists, Christians and otherwise, in their ignorance, will label this family as dysfunctional, which gives the impression that the unique combination of people in this step family with their distinctive personalities combine to form an incompatible set of relationships that is beyond their ability to really change. That's what dysfunctional family means.

In other words, all the distinctive personalities that come together combine to form this incompatible set of relationships that's really beyond their ability to change. Because you see, fundamentally, most psychologists believe that personalities are fixed. It's a part of your DNA. You're hardwired that way. You can't change. That's just the way you are.

And so the people in a family relationship like this have to learn to accept the differences and make the best of them. And so they teach them coping skills and methods or techniques of interpersonal interaction in order to know how to deal with the distinctive personalities. To put it in Christian terms, you know those fourfold animals.

There's these fourfold classification of personality. There's the otter, the beaver, the golden retriever, and the-- I forget that fourth one. But in essence, you're an otter married to a golden retriever. And you've got to learn how golden retrievers think and respond to circumstances, just as the golden retriever needs to learn to think how otters respond to circumstances.

And this is at the core and the root of the reasons why you're having so much problem, is you really don't understand the distinctive personality of that other person within the family. Where do you find that in the Bible? You don't find any of that. You have to commit the sin of semantic anachronism in order to make that happen.

In other words, you have to read contemporary psychobabble terminology back into the Bible in order to find anything like that in terms of personality there. It's not there. A natural reading of the scripture, even in the original languages, will never render any of that nonsense. The reason why people have problems, as we've talked about before, is James 4, right?

What is it? Yeah, it's the battles that occur on the inside. People want things. They desire things. They don't get them. And so they fight and they quarrel in order to achieve them. It's the battles that go on the inside. The Bible says nothing about the fact that, well, he's caloric and she's phlegmatic.

And the two just don't get along. They don't understand each other's distinctive personalities. And so we've got to go through a whole set of understanding these distinctive personalities so we can mesh better together in the home. It doesn't say anything about that at all. In fact, that just gets people way off the track in dealing with issues.

So the unique combination of adversarial personalities, they would say, are the cause of the problem. It's like trying to make a family of pit bulls live in harmony with a family of poodles. It's not going to be a pretty sight. There's going to be a lot of blood. But maybe we can help them to kind of accept one another and adjust to one another.

One publication written by Christian psychiatrists and psychologists-- and it's interesting, by the way, because this particular article went on for pages without a single reference to scripture in counseling blended families-- said this. If the parents do their job and face their issues, the family will come through the crisis and work to make adjustments.

Now, that's key to their whole thinking. Work to make adjustments that they learn through counseling must be made. These adjustments include-- now, follow this-- negotiation of roles. That's interesting. Negotiation of roles. I always thought from scripture that roles were fixed in the family. Well, now we've got Mom negotiating her roles with Dad, and Dad negotiating his roles with Mom, and the children negotiating their role with the parents.

So we have all this negotiation going on. That's the first thing on the list. Then they talk about relationship building. OK, I could buy that relationship building. That would be good if they mean by that edification, but that's not what they mean by it. When they talk about relationship building, what they talk about is talking about making adjustments to other people's personalities.

Has nothing to do with edification from a biblical perspective. Validation of family rules. Well, that's OK. Everybody needs to validate the family rules, but when they talk about it, they talk about the fact that everybody in the family comes together and helps to set the rules corporately. This is a democracy.

The Bible never set the family up to be a democracy. That sounds so fair to us Americans, but it's not a democracy. The family is a benevolent dictatorship. That's what it is based upon scripture. Mom and Dad lead the family, and when there's a disagreement, Dad wins out. That's a benevolent dictatorship.

That's the way the family was supposed to be run. Oh, they almost have a conniption on that. They almost go into apoplexy if you ever mention that. So they talk about negotiation of rules, relationship building, validation of family rules, traditions and customs, validation of the new family unit. And again, this validation terminology.

It's not just simple. They're not just saying acknowledging the fact that they're a new family. It's not just saying it. That means acknowledging the personal value and self worth of everybody. It all goes back to the issue of everybody learning to love themselves, and at the core of this disagreement is the fact that a person really doesn't love themself very well.

And of course, one of the key words they use is adjustment. Those families need to adjust to one another. But not a single word is given in this article the personal responsibility for change when it comes to interaction with other members of the family. Not a single word. Such a treatment of this problem then predicates the peace and harmony of the home when everyone making external judgments instead of really seeking to change and grow, or even better, treating a problem this way actually undermines the peace and harmony of the home.

And I think that kind of counsel really strips step families of genuine hope. If this family is truly dysfunctional due to unchangeable personalities, then it's stuck in a hopeless quagmire of endless adjusting and coping. That's what it's stuck in. It is stuck in an endless quagmire of adjustment and coping, which I think amounts to nothing more than the age-old heresy of asceticism.

It means, in a sense, to resign yourself to the notion that you just have to suffer through the indignities of other people in your family by practicing personal self-abasement and repressing any kind of external angry responses. In reality, it teaches people within these families to be Pharisees. You repress your angry responses.

You make coping through these coping mechanisms. You adjust to other people and their different personalities. But on the inside, there's all of this seething anger and hate and maliciousness that is just repressed for the sake of the harmony, the external harmony of the family. Those kind of attitudes aren't biblical at all.

As Colossians 2:23 says, "These are matters which have, to be sure, the appearance of wisdom and self-made religion and self-abasement and severe treatment of the body, but are of no value against fleshly indulgences." Or fleshly passions would be better. They have no value when it comes to fleshly passions.

All the self-abasement, self-restraint, and externalism is never going to bring the passions under the control. They are of no value. Really, as biblical counselors, you have to address the family on the heart level. Each member. If the members of this family, beginning with Larry and Judy, are willing and convinced that they can change and grow from the heart, then hope begins to return.

A sense of expectation and a re-energized commitment returns. So by the end of your first session, Larry and Judy are ready to re-engage the battle and begin to make changes in their own lives that they desperately need to make. And they do face a battle. It's a fleshly battle.

And the battlefront is in the heart. It's not with the other person. It's the battlefront of their own heart. There's a difference. That's why we say, as a counselor of step-families, you need to view your role as that of an ideological warrior. Take your Bible. Let's go over to 2 Corinthians chapter 10.

I realize the immediate context of this does not have to do with blended family counseling. But I think the flow and the argument of even the context brings to us broader theological principles that are applicable in blended family situations. Verse 3 says, "For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war according to the flesh.

For the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh, but divinely powerful for the destruction of fortresses. We are destroying speculations and every lofty thing raised up against the knowledge of God. And we are taking captive every thought or taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ.

And we are ready to punish all disobedience whenever your obedience is complete." Now, what is this saying? The term "speculations" that Paul uses here is that which is lifted up or higher exalted. It has to do with high-sounding ideas that are not based upon truth, but more related to man's ideas about life rather than God's ideas.

Man thinks he knows better about life than God knows. This is what Proverbs 122 calls a real fool. It's where my ideas are above the law. They're above what God says. I know better than God. And that's an ideological issue that has to do with how the members of this particular family think of themselves.

Every lofty thing, and this is stated in the middle voice, it means to lift oneself up. It means to exalt oneself or one's own ideas or something that belongs to you for the purpose-- for our purposes, we could say that many step-parents exalt their biological children or their family to a higher plane of priority than God gives them.

They have exalted ideas about themselves and about their families. They have exalted ideas about themselves and about their families, especially their biological families. Paul says here in verse 4 that he is out to destroy such ideological fortresses. He sees himself as going to war with the ministry of the Word to bring such a foreign enemy of thought into captivity and to make it obedient to Christ, verse 5.

Now, you see, in other words, what we're saying is this. Don't ever get bogged down into trying to help them understand personality differences. That is just absolutely fruitless. The bottom line is you're just going to make Pharisees out of your counselors. You're going to turn them into externally behavioristic Christians.

No, you've got to address their heart. And in addressing their heart, you've got to address how they think. One of the first battlefronts in this war is that-- listen to me-- most biological parents in a step-family relationship operate with a low view of marriage. Can I say it again?

One of the first battlefronts in this war is that most biological parents in a step-family relationship operate with a low view of marriage, even with those supposed quote, unquote, "strong" Christians who are having these family conflicts. Even when you come in, and if you were to ask them straight out, do you have a low view of marriage?

Oh, no, none of them will not. There's not a one of them I've ever found that will acknowledge that I have a low view of marriage. But when I get done, then they say, oh, yeah, I have a low view of marriage. So this brings us to Roman numeral number two.

Step-parents must be taught a high view of marriage. This is critical. Step-parents need to be taught a high view of marriage. Now, one of the strongholds to be assaulted here, ideologically, by you as a counselor is the false doctrine held by many step-parents that basically say this, "my children come first." That is an assumption that they bring in because, after all, guess what?

Blood is thicker than water. And I'm not blood-related to my husband or my wife. But I am blood-related to my children. Or, as the culture says, and if you in the last 10, 15 years have been watching on American television, you've probably seen this national campaign with the slogan, "children first." Well, that may agree with Dr.

Laura. But it doesn't agree with the Bible. Children are not first. And we've already learned this in this class. Many step-parents are rooted in this cultural ideology. My children are the most important thing. And as a good soldier for Jesus Christ, you've got to engage that wrong notion with the scripture.

The Bible teaches us from the beginning that your marriage takes precedence over your own relationship to your children. Early in the counseling process, you've got to teach a high and elevated view of marriage. Strengthening the ideological commitment that both the remarried husband and the remarried wife have a relationship that takes priority over the children is a hard thing for them to ideologically accept.

You're going to run into a brick wall in their thinking. OK? But it's a brick wall that's worth attacking. And if you, with the word of God and the Holy Spirit working in their heart, are able to break through this brick wall, you're going to see great improvement almost overnight in their home.

But I've got to warn you, most of them believe that even though their marriage is threatened, they have a high view of marriage. And I think this goes back to Proverbs 16 in verse 2, where Proverbs says, "A man already has an elevated view of himself. He already thinks very highly of his own ideas." I have never seen a man who has an elevated view of himself say, I have never found in a step-family situation where the husband and wife involved, their concept of marriage was too high.

I've never found that. Even with Larry and his desire to have a better marriage after his divorce, it's not too high. It could always use elevating. That's why we said in Genesis 2:24 early in this class, "For this cause a man shall leave his father and mother." In other words, the husband-wife relationship takes priority over the parent-child relationship.

That is always true, even in a remarriage situation. Always, always true. So with that in mind, let's make eight counseling observations. Number one, the husband-wife relationship is intended by God to be the permanent relationship. Just because this is your second marriage does not make this any less of a marriage in God's eyes.

This is not a second-rate marriage. Oh, there's the original marriage, and that was the real one in God's eyes. This is the substitute marriage. No, that's wrong. And any thoughts that come close to that are wrong. And if you listen to this couple talk, you'll pick this out in the language they use.

How they refer to each other, how they refer to the concept of marriage, how they refer to their children, their biological children, as well as their stepchildren in the relationship, you'll pick this up. The husband-wife relationship is intended by God to be the permanent relationship. Secondly, the parent-child relationship is intended by God to be a temporary relationship.

That shouldn't be any new concept to you so far in this course. In other words, the parents have a biblical responsibility to rear their children to leave the home, not stay in the home. That's the biblical responsibility, not stay in the home, but to leave the home. And again, as I said before, that doesn't mean that you love your children any less than anybody else.

It just means that their relationship to you is temporary. And listen, some of you get older and you have older children and they start leaving the home, you realize how hard that is to let them go. Here you have daughters that you have reared up and vested your life into.

And you feel like on the wedding day you're turning a Stradivarius into the hands of a baboon. So you feel like you're turning this wonderful instrument that can be used by God to create beautiful music and you're giving it to an ape. All right? Now in case my son-in-laws watch this video, I really don't believe you're an ape.

But I'm saying that's what parents feel. That's what they feel. So it's hard to let them go. It's hard for these step-parents to say that their relationship to each other takes precedence over those biological children who maybe they have spent years with those biological children and their relationship with this new spouse is only a few months old.

That's hard. That is really hard to do. To say, I'm sorry, but my husband comes first, not you. Those biological children are going to stand there and they're going to have eyes the size of watermelon. What are you talking about? Thirdly, your biological children and stepchildren must be reared to leave the home, not stay.

And this is really hard. It's especially hard for step-parents. And let me explain why. We're going to get into this in the next section. But especially if you have a, like in Judy's situation, where she had a husband previously eight years before. And they had a good relationship. And he passed away.

He died. And now her only relationship now has been with those children. In other words, she really loved her relationship with her former husband. And by God's sovereign purposes, this is a Deuteronomy 29, 29 issue. By God's sovereign purposes, he has taken her husband away. Then her tendency now is to replace all that loneliness that she feels, is to put her children in the place of her husband.

So now she grows very, very close to her children. And she also has a heart for her children. After all, her children have lost their dad. And so that just draws her close. Her mother's heart is dying on the inside. And now for her to go into this new relationship with Larry and have this relationship with him, and now to set him above her children is one of the hardest things in her life to do.

That is really tough. Everything in her flesh is saying no to this. Fourth, your example of setting their stepfather or stepmother ahead of them as children is the model they need to see for their own future marriage. It's a model they need to see. In creation, in Paul's description of the Christian home, in the qualification of the elders in 1 Timothy 3, the priority is always given to the husband and wife relationship first.

And the children are always listed second. The children are never put on the list first. It may hurt Judy to set Larry above her children, but this is exactly what her children needs to see before they leave the home. Her daughters, her son, needs to see this. This is the model she needs to set, which basically she's saying to them, when you leave the home, you need to go out and do the same thing in your home.

That's what should happen. So your example of setting their stepfather and stepmother ahead of them as children is the model they need to see. This is tough. I'm telling you, this kind of counseling, you're climbing straight uphill, and you've got lead boots on. This is hard. Just a few weeks ago, I was in Colorado Springs, right in the shadows of a prominent Christian ministry.

And I did a blended family conference. And several of the families that were there were heavily influenced by that particular ministry. And we talked about these very principles. And during the break sessions, I was barraged with people who said, I have never heard anybody say this before. I said, well, the key is not whether or not I'm saying it.

The key is whether or not this is what you see the word of God saying. If this is what the word of God says, then you better believe it. This is what God says. Fifth, marriage is thicker than blood. You know, I've actually had husbands, a wife, in counseling say that and repeat that three or four times for me.

Marriage is thicker than blood. All right, I say to Larry. OK, Larry, listen to me now. We're done with our counseling session today. And they're going to interview Larry. He's going to talk to you. He's going to talk to you. He's going to talk to you. He's going to talk to you.

He's going to talk to you. He's going to talk to you. And they're going to interview Larry as soon as you step out the door. And one of the interviewers of Channel 7 News is going to stick a mic in your face and say to you, Larry, what's the most important thing you got out of this counseling session?

What are you going to say to them, Larry? Larry looks at me and goes, marriage is thicker than blood. That's it, Larry. You got it. Marriage is thicker than blood. You may be blood related to your children, but your commitment to them is temporary. However, even though you are not blood related to your spouse, your commitment is for a lifetime.

Marriage is thicker than blood. Yeah, blood's thicker than water. But marriage is thicker than blood. Number six, the powerful and natural parental compulsion to love their children must be surrendered to the higher priority of being a godly mate and loving spouse. And I want you to feel that. This powerful and very natural compulsion to love children has to be surrendered to the higher priority of loving a godly mate and spouse, or being a godly mate and loving spouse.

That's got to be the priority. In other words, what you naturally feel is not what God wants you to do. Can I say it again? What you naturally feel is not what God wants you to do. Because everything inside of you is going to be screaming at you, this is wrong.

Number seven, a child-centered home, whether it is the first or second marriage, will always experience trouble because the children will eventually grow up and leave. That leaves you as a couple with a relationship in shambles. Little or no investment time or energy has been given to it over the years.

So as a result, when the children really finally do leave the home, mom and dad split as well. And this is one of the reasons why, statistically, I think the world says, and it's true, if you can believe some of the ways in which they compile these statistics, that second marriages statistically last or end a lot sooner than first marriages.

And this is one of the reasons. Even if they survive, the children growing up, then they eventually divorce once the children are gone. Because they've turned that home into a child-centered home. Last and finally, fashion your seat belts and put your crash helmets on. Number eight, the fleshly, sinful passions and desires of your biological children.

Proverbs 22.15, "A foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child." Will always pit you as a biological parent against their step-parent, your spouse, if you allow your home to be child-centered. Now follow that thought. They will prey on your parental affections and use them to drive a wedge between you and your spouse for their own self-centered purposes.

When you allow yourself to be manipulated, you are pandering their sinful nature. And in this way, you're hurting both your marriage and your children. See, it is the sinful nature of a child to prey on the parent's affections. Children become manipulative in this way. And they will actually say to Judy-- her children will say to her, you don't love me.

You're actually choosing that Larry over me. Yes, she is, but that does not mean she does not love them. In fact, from a biblical perspective, she's actually loving them better because she's setting up a model that they need to see for their future home. So you're allowing yourself as a step-parent to be manipulated when you pander their sinful nature.

And you cater to their manipulative ways. You're allowing yourself-- you're sowing seeds of your home's destruction when you're doing that kind of thing. And that will destroy your home. Children and their sinful desires will wreak havoc in the heart of a mother or father who feels bad about their kids.

After all, their father or their mother died, or they experienced the horrible events of this divorce. When you cater to that, you are sowing seeds of destruction for your home. And it will undermine that home. As Proverbs chapter 14 and verse 1 says, "The wise woman builds her house, but the foolish tears it down with her own hands." And I believe that one of the ways that a step-parent wife can tear her home down is by allowing her heart to be manipulated by her biological children.

The genuine Christian home rejects the notion-- my children come first. God is always first. But before the children, the spouse has to be your first human priority. That's the foundational concept. That is the first battle and war you have to fight in this home. Because whether or not-- if you don't win this war, then everything else from this particular point on in dealing with step-parent counseling is going to be superfluous.

It is not going to be valuable. You're not going to make a whole lot of progress. You have to win this war, and you have to win this war early in their minds and their thinking. All right, questions at this point so far? We have more to cover. Yes, Rebecca.

I have a couple of questions later. But what if they have a good marriage and stuff, but the father-- the father's coming in, and the woman has daughters or sons or whatever. And they both agree on punishments and stuff. Should he go ahead and completely assert it? Or should he allow her to want the agreed rules that they've done?

And he eventually becomes that. Yeah. I want you to save your question. I think it's going to be answered in the next session that we deal-- next section here. But if I don't answer it completely on what you're asking, then bring it back up again. Because I think we'll cover that.

David. What's the best political verse for rejecting children first? For rejecting children first? Yeah, the idea of children first. Oh, Genesis 224. What God has intended, the standard for marriage is right there. A man shall leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife. There's a lot in that statement.

That's what God has intended from the very beginning. And remember, when we went through that, I said, Adam didn't even have parents at this point. So in stating that, God was stating a universal axiom that all of his people should follow, the way he intended life to function. Timur.

Are you having a chance to teach these things in the premarital counseling for those families? Yes. Yeah. The question is, does this come up? Do you bring these issues up in premarital counseling? Absolutely. With stepfamily, remarried situations, especially where biological children are involved, oh yes, you've got to bring this up in that kind of counseling.

In fact, it's really funny. These are the very homes that, because they maybe had a prior Christian home where a spouse died, they will try to get around. They really don't think they need premarital counseling. And they're the very homes. They're usually older adults. They're the very homes that need it the most.

But this is the home that somehow doesn't think they really need it. We're both Christians. We're more mature than we were. After all, we're not two teenagers getting married, da-da-da-da-da-da. We don't need premarital counseling. Oh my goodness. It is that prideful assumption that is going to lay the foundation for the destruction of that marriage.

So there's the conclusion. Genuine Christian home rejects the notion my children come first. God always comes first. But before the children, the spouse must be the first human priority. John. I'm just curious if there's any reason why Larry's divorce is not mentioned. Obviously, it seems like there is a pattern that's going on here with his lack of spiritual leadership in the family.

What do you mean by Larry's divorce is not mentioned? What do you mean by that? Well, he says he's divorced. Why is he-- why he got divorced? Well, she left him. She left him. Yeah, she left him and ran off with a boyfriend. And the church disciplined her. All right?

Yeah, disciplined her out of the church. And she had no desire to return. And so when the church disciplined her, that declared her to be an unbeliever. And then Larry then has the option to divorce her if she doesn't repent. Right, but it still doesn't negate the fact that there was probably some sin involved that involved her.

You know, or what did-- You mean his sin, you mean? His sin. In contributing to-- oh, yeah, I'm sure that that's the case. Yeah. We don't go into that detail because right now, that is not as significant at this point in our discussion for what we want to highlight in the Splendid Family Counseling.

All right, good. All right, we will take about a 15-minute break, and we'll come back and hit the next section here. All right, good. Let's see if we can get started now with part two here, the step-parent trap. All right, in the first session that we had together, we learned that the children are to be reared to think of themselves as second on the priority list in that family.

No exception is made in a step-parenting home. Even though your spouse may not be the biological parent, they still are to be viewed with the same priority and authority as the biological parent. Why? Listen to this. Because your priority in the home determines your authority. Your priority in the home determines your authority.

If you put your children before your mate, then your children will use it against you and ruin the model of marriage that God intends them to have. If you do not treat your mate with equal priority to your own role, your children will not treat them with equal authority.

There must be-- listen. There must be no daylight between you and your children's step-parent. They must view you as one, even though that may be repulsive to them at the beginning. They'll adjust to it. This is not going to wound their little psyches to do this. It's not going to do that.

The only exception would be if clear issues of biblical morality are at stake, or your new spouse is a physical danger to your children. And we'll talk about abuse later on. But what are we dealing with? There are a variety in scripture. There are a variety of different types of step-families.

And we're not going to take time to go into all of these. But if you were to take a look in Genesis chapter 4 and verse 19, there's the polygamous type. Then there is the adulterous type. In Genesis 16, 3 and 21, 9 through 11. Deuteronomy 21, 15 through 17.

There's a second type of polygamous form of step-families in Genesis 29, 31 through 35. And then there's the death of a spouse type in 2 Corinthians 12, 9, 13, 1, 28, and 29. These are all different kinds of step-families in scripture. The scripture really deals with this. Because in a lot of these, the same kind of pressure points in situations that we see today in contemporary step-family relationships, you can see in a lot of the polygamous relationships of the Old Testament.

And boy, there are just a variety of wicked things. More prominently, probably, you could see this in David's own home. And the stress and the problems that occurred between the half sisters and brothers of David with his various wives are the same kind of pressures that you can see in contemporary step-family relationships.

With this in mind, children are to be reared to think of themselves as second on the priority list. Priority in the home determines your authority. So it's vitally important that, as parents, you present a united front. It's vitally important that, as parents, you present a united front. That's where we say the children must not see a speck of daylight between you and your spouse in a step-family relationship.

When you act and when you make decisions, you act and you make decisions as one. At the end of the last session, I mentioned, as my last point, the fleshly or sinful passions that children are born with. And the Bible tells us that a child, because of his sinful nature, is already well-disposed of himself.

Contrary to Alfred Adler and Karen Horney and Abraham Maslow, and the rest of the Impressionistic child psychologists, in contrast to that, who believe that children are born with an inferiority complex that is fixed by the age of six, the Bible says that a child is born with an intense self-love that it looks out for itself naturally all the time.

That's his or her depraved nature. So we would say this, that stepchildren are sinners, too. Proverbs 22.15, "Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child." And you've heard me talking about this in the past, where in dealing with a young lady who came in for counseling, who came in for counseling here at the college because she had low self-esteem.

And I talked with her about the fact that it really didn't make a whole lot of sense that she was saying that, because she was miserable and depressed. If she really had true low self-esteem, then she'd be saying, with all the difficulties and hardships that she was facing in life, she'd be saying, I really don't care about them.

I'm not really depressed or discouraged, because after all, I think low of myself to begin with, so all these hardships are just naturally what I expect. The very fact that she was miserable and depressed demonstrates that she already has a lot of high self-esteem anyhow. And I was watching that same young lady, just an hour later, standing in the cafeteria line, rifling through the cherry tomatoes at the salad bar.

What was she doing? And she rifled through those cherry tomatoes. Was she looking for the worst cherry tomatoes in the entire bunch to put on her salad because she thought low of herself? No, she wasn't. She was standing there rifling through those cherry tomatoes to find the best ones of the bunch to put on her salad.

Why? Because that's our default nature. Our default nature, and a child's default nature, is always to think well of themselves. And so they look out for themselves naturally. That's the default nature of everyone. So the biblical description of a child is this way. Everyone wants to be sure they have the best.

People always look out for themselves, and stepchildren are no different. And in fact, they tend to even be more at the mercy of their own desires because of the circumstances that have occurred in their life. Now let's take a look at the biblical description of a child. If you have your Bible and you want to draw this close, go over to Proverbs chapter 20 and verse 11.

Let's do a little bit of biblical mathematics and add up how the Bible views a child. The Bible makes no distinction on whether these children are stepchildren, half brothers or sisters, adopted children. It makes no distinction. It just says all children are this way. Chapter 20 and verse 11 says it is by his deed that a lad distinguishes himself if his conduct is pure and right.

So in essence, Proverbs says in chapter 20 verse 11 that a child becomes known by his actions, either proper or improper action, the behavior of that child, whether it be by external deeds or attitudinal behavior, characterizes that child's life. You've heard people say, oh my goodness, that child's always caustic.

Or you'll hear people say, every time I've ever seen that child, that child is always happy. So a child becomes known by his actions, whether they're proper or improper. Then we've already reviewed Proverbs 22.6, train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.

And we've said that that's not a promise, it's a warning. In other words, you train up a child in such a way that he walks his own way. When he is old, he'll not stop walking his own way. Now that's an important characteristic of a child. If you let a child be at the mercy of his or her own passions while they're growing up, and you don't call them into check when they grow old, they'll not stop that.

And I think we used as an illustration 1 Kings chapter 1 Adonijah, didn't we? And we talked about how David violated this. And I think it's interesting how Solomon, David's own son, writes in Proverbs 22.6. Because his own step-brother, so to speak, or half-brother, Adonijah, who was the son of Hagath, that was his mother, exalted himself.

I mean, no wonder this kid was this way, to have a mother by the name of Hagath. But this son says, I will be king. And so he prepared for himself chariots and horsemen with 50 men to run before him. And his father had never crossed him at any time.

And the Hebrew says, his father had never pained him, never brought pain into his life by asking, what have you done, or why have you done so? He never questioned him about anything. He let him do his own thing. And so that's a hands-off type of parenting. And so as a result of that, you train up a child in such a way where you have a hands-off role on that child.

And when he grows old, he won't stop being that way. He'll be at the mercy of his own passions. And then 22.15 then says, a folly is bound up in the heart of a child. It's the rod of discipline to drive it far from him. I mean, he's not naturally wise.

It's possible for children to be smart, even better than their siblings, or even better than other kids at their age. But that doesn't necessarily mean that a child is wise. There's a difference biblically. And it's significant later on in life. He's not wise and will choose the things on the basis of immediate gratification and satisfaction.

And then 23.13 says, parents are warned not to leave a child without discipline. And then 29.15, a child left to himself will disgrace his mother. So if you were to sum up all that Proverbs has to say about a child, we could say that a child's judgment cannot be trusted.

A child is foolhardy, tends to be undisciplined, and if left without correction, will go astray and disgrace his parents. Boy, that is not what the behaviorists say. The behaviorists say a child is basically born neutral. And you bring him up in the right kind of environment, and he'll turn out right.

We can assume that a child left to himself, contrary to what Piaget says in terms of all of his self-discovery of truth, contrary to Piaget, a child left to himself grows up at the mercy of his own passions and urges. And he or she will follow those passions and urges as long as there's no external restraint or until the heart changes and they grow up in spiritual maturity.

When a stepchild says, you're not my parent, it is a child's way of manipulating the situation for their own ends. You get me? When a stepchild says, you're not my parent, it is that stepchild's way of manipulating the situation for his own ends. All right. So a child's judgment cannot be trusted.

This child who's left to himself will disgrace his parents. He grows up living at the mercy of his own passions and urges. And he or she will follow those passions and urges as long as there is no external restraint or until their heart changes and they grow up in spiritual maturity.

So when they make those statements, you're not my parent, that's supposed to put off a step-parent. It's intended to cause the step-parent to back up and say, oh, you're right. I'm really not the parent. That child is manipulating a situation. The step-parent needs to respond in love to that situation and say, you may not think I'm your parent, but I do love you.

And God has placed me here as a parent in your home at this particular time. And I am your parent. I may not be your biological parent. You have a biological father or mother. And I may not be that person. But still, in terms of authority in your life, I'm your parent.

They may not like that. A child may stomp and scream and do whatever. But that doesn't change the fact that in God's eyes that step-parent is still in that home for a godly purpose, to bring some kind of authority or structure into that home. You take a look at Psalms 51 and verse 5.

"Behold," David says, "I was brought forth in iniquity and in sin. My mother conceived me." Psalm 53, verses 2 and 3, "God has looked down from heaven upon the sons of man to see if there is anyone who understands or seeks after him. Every one of them has turned aside.

Together they have become corrupt." Psalm 58, verse 3, "The wicked are estranged from the womb. These who speak lies go astray from birth." So children are not the innocent creatures we make them out to be. From birth, God says, they begin their wickedness. Paul on children, what does Paul say?

1 Corinthians 13, 12, "When I was a child, I used to speak as a child, think as a child, reason as a child. When I became a man, I did away with childish things." Now, to speak as a child is to say things without thinking. You ever seen kids talk?

They just say things. Whatever comes to their minds is what they say. Wow, you're stupid. All right? They'll just say things. You heard about the family who invited the pastor over to their home one day to have a meal on a Sunday afternoon. And so in order to impress the pastor, the mother asked the young boy to return thanks for the meal.

And the young boy didn't want to do it. And so the mother tried to encourage him and says, well, sweetheart, go ahead and pray. The pastor would like it if you'd pray. He says, well, mom, I don't know what to say. And she says, well, just say what I say.

So the little boy bowed his head and said, dear Lord, we're happy to have the pastor here, but we hope he goes home soon. That's what a kid will do. To speak as a child is to speak without thinking. To think as a child is to think in selfish ways.

To reason like a child is to make decisions based upon what is most beneficial at the moment. That's reasoning. There's really no logic except for whatever pleases me the most at this given moment. If you say to a child, I'll tell you what, I'm going to give you $100 right now.

If you stop teasing your sister, but if you're able to do this for six weeks, I'll give you $100,000. 99% of young children are going to take the $100 right now. As an adult, we say, all they got to do is wait six weeks. They'll get $100,000. But a child's going to take that which is pleasurable at that given moment.

What can I do with $100? Well, I could buy a Nintendo. I could get all the candy I ever wanted and get sick on it. And then Ephesians chapter 4 and verse 14 says, as a result, we are no longer children tossed here and there by waves and carried about by every wind of doctrine, by the trickery of men, by craftiness and deceitful scheming.

Now, what's that say? The biblical description of a child is that children are gullible. And they're easily led astray and deceived because of their foolishness and selfish ways. And deceitful people know that, and they will appeal to the children in their flesh. I mean, in our culture today, our children don't have hope because they're so gullible and so tied into their selfish ways.

And they've got men out there paid millions of dollars every year to entice them to buy stuff they don't need. So deceitful men know how to appeal to their flesh. They can be taught to believe anything if it appeals to their passion and caters to their flesh right at that given moment.

Think about how the scripture defines a child. Let me illustrate a child's basic nature. Have you ever heard of the 10 property laws of toddlers? If I like it, it's mine. If it's in my hand, it's mine. If I can take it from you, it's mine. If I had it a little while ago, it should be.

It's mine. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way. If I'm building something, all the pieces are mine. If it looks just like mine, it's mine. If I saw it first, it's mine. If you're playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.

If it's broken, it's yours. That's the 10 property laws of toddlers. That's the way the toddler thinks. Now, how could anybody ever look at that and say that the basic nature of a child isn't selfish? Yeah, yeah. There's a lot of adults that think that way, too. That's exactly right.

When you have children with that kind of an attitude in a stepfamily environment with all the unique struggles and temptations, you have a cauldron of trouble brewing. All right? That's what you have. All right. What about child psychology and step-parenting confusion? What about that? Well, in contrast to the biblical description of the nature of a child is the psychologized assumption that most biological parents adopt in reference to their children, especially when they and their children have been through a messy divorce and battled over child custody.

Impressionistic child psychology has taught our culture and Christians well. Our culture tends to view the children as essentially good, innocent little people with highly impressionable psyches. Crisis events like the loss of a parent through death or emotional fights between a mother and father and nasty divorce, a lengthy child custody fight in the courts damage their innocent psyches and tear away at parent's heart.

So given the bad events of the past, which might include the horrible mess of a divorce, and assuming the children have had enough negative things occur, biological mom-- she's the one who usually becomes the custodial parent-- begins to view the children as helpless victims who are emotionally scarred. And with that kind of view of children, no wonder that Christian parents buy into the nonsense that's presented them in Christian psychology.

It basically says, seek out a therapist who specializes in blended family issues. That's what one encyclopedia of Christian psychology says. And the therapist doesn't even have to be a Christian. Why, because the therapist is going to help the children deal with these wounded psyches, which is the all-important thing for them.

So the natural heart of the mother will want to buy into the image of her children being helpless victims of terrible circumstances. And so she proceeds to compensate for it in her attitude as well as her approach to discipline of her children. And on top of all of that enters into the mixed a new stepfather who wants to be a good father, wishes to help his new wife rear the children properly.

But by contrast, a mom's approach to household discipline, which is pretty lenient, this new authority figure in their life appears to be Attila the Hun. I mean, this guy is a drill sergeant, even though he doesn't try to be. This is what happened in Larry and Judy's home. Judy began to realize she didn't like the way in which Larry ran the household, especially the way that he dealt with her children.

Well, let me go back there for a minute. He appeared rigid to her, inflexible. She sided with her daughters frequently when a question of discipline came up. And after seeing all the negative stuff her children had gone through and losing her father and mother's-- her mother's heart ached for them.

And to see Larry come into their new home and expect of her daughters things that she didn't expect of them was more than she could really take. So Judy found herself countering most of Larry's things, expectations of her children. And consequently, Larry was hearing things from her children like, that's not the way mom does it.

You're not my father. And my father would have never done it that way. And my mom, when she gets home, she's going to change what you've done. In fact, Larry thought Judy's daughters had almost elevated their biological dad to the level of sainthood now that he was in heaven.

It's tough to live in the shadow of a saint, especially one that could never do any wrong. Scripture warns us not to live in the past. It's wrong to dream about bygone days and to cultivate an unrealistic nostalgia. Ecclesiastes chapter 7 and verse 10, "Do not say, why is it that the former days are better than these?

For it is not from wisdom that you ask about this." Well, another way of putting it is, you're a fool if you live with unrealistic images of past events. Why? Because human memory is notoriously self-serving. You and I tend to remember things in very self-favoring ways. That's exactly what Judy's daughters were doing.

The point of Ecclesiastes 7 and verse 14 is that in the day of prosperity, be happy. But in the day of adversity, consider God has made the one as well as the other. And since God made the bad day as well as the good day, it must always be for our good.

And Judy's daughters have elevated their biological father to this unrealistic level, and Judy had allowed it to happen. Children are not emotionally helpless victims. They may be victims of sinful people, or physical abuse, or bad circumstances. But how they choose to deal with such things is their choice. And God made both the good and the bad times.

They, in turn, are not helpless. They are human choice makers with selfish desires that swirl in this cauldron around them like powerful currents affecting the type of person that they are going to become once their choices are made. Often, children in remarried families will choose to view their past family life with idealized memories.

This is something you have to address as a counselor. They're living in a make-believe world and refusing to accept reality. And those memories are colored in self-favoring ways. They enjoy the role of a pitiful, helpless victim, and they will use it because of their depravity for their own sinful ends.

They forget the tough times in the past. They forget that. They don't remember the decisions and the actions of their biological father or mother that they just as vehemently disagreed with. In their sinful recounting of these memories, they'll leave out all the bad memories when they want to manipulate their step-parent.

They would have everybody believe that their biological parent that's no longer with them made no mistakes or would never have had such unreasonable expectations of them. John. Just with children and authority in general, there's a natural bent for them to reject it. I recall as a child with the babysitter coming over, saying the exact same thing.

You're not my mom. I don't have to listen to you. Yes. The same thing with the school teacher. Babysitters, yep. You're not my mom. I don't have to listen to you. So I guess my question is, it's not so much just with parent and step-parent as much as-- Right.

Teaching your child equitably at all levels of authority. Yeah. Is that true? But I think in the step-parent family relationship, because of the biological bond that's there and the fact that this new individual, the step-parent, lives in their home, it just makes it all the more acute. But you're right.

Normal children have the same problem when a babysitter comes. They'll say, you're not my real father or mother. That's really true. I mean, that's true. Just magnify that 10 times in a step-parent relationship, and you see how tough it is. I mean, the babysitter can go home and get away from this.

The step-parent can't. So we saw earlier that the Bible views children as essentially sinful and foolish. Their sinful nature and foolish hearts teach us that a child is both a responsible and stubborn decision maker. There will be adverse things that happen in their life, but they'll choose how they think and respond to those circumstances.

Now, the therapeutic way of dealing with this is to get the child to talk about their feelings. In fact, a group of Christian psychologists advise, encourage all the participants in the new family, children and adults, to express their feelings openly in a constructive way. That's one step out of seven to help a blended family.

Let me ask you a question. If you get these children together and you say to them, I want you to just openly express your feelings about your new family and step-family with mom and dad present, you know what it's going to be? It's going to be all-out war on that step-parent.

There's just going to be all wickedness come out, because that child is going to say what the first thing on their mind. I hate you. Now, according to therapy, that's OK, because it's a cathartic thing that's going on there. I mean, if they're able to get these negative emotions and express them, they'll feel a lot better.

Well, I got news for you. The feelings of the child is not the gauge of goodness in terms of the counseling relationship there. It's not. Never was. Righteousness is the gauge. And that child needs to learn to rethink that relationship in biblical terms and then deal with all this anger and realize how sinful that anger is towards their step-parent.

So I believe a lot of self-centered memories and hurts are going to only come out, and then it will fuel a division. I don't believe there can be a constructive sharing of feelings when most step-children have the agenda to get rid of the step-parent. That's their agenda. In fact, it's going to be destructive.

And as a counselor who desires to help the family deal biblically needs to get them to evaluate their feelings and their thoughts from scripture, not dump all their emotions like gigantic dump trucks in this big free-for-all of counseling to get all their grievances off their chest and have some kind of cathartic experience.

It's not the idea. A unified parenting agreement here is essential in this cauldron. As a counselor, you need to cover four vital areas that the biological and step-parent needs to agree upon. Number one is this. They need to agree with the scripture about the roles of the husband and wife in the home.

This is not to negotiate the roles. There's no negotiation going on here. But as a counselor, you're going to teach them the roles, and they're going to fix these roles of the husband and wife in their home. That's key. Assuming both parents are biological-- or both parents are Christian and desire to do things God's way, they've got to understand and be willing to practice biblical roles of husband and wife within the home.

Too often, this issue is ignored in counseling step-families. But it's common reason so much conflict is going on in the home. Practicing the proper biblical roles within the step-family is like setting boundary lines in tennis. People can still break the rules, but the boundary lines of the husband and wife determines the court area in which the game's going to be played.

And you need to set those boundary lines so that the kids understand it. They're not open for discussion or revision. They are what God expects in the home. The husband is the head of the home. Ephesians 5, 25 through 33. I don't care whether he's a stepfather or not.

He's the head of that home. Mom's not anymore. Now that she's remarried, this means that he is to be a loving servant in that home, setting examples of meeting the needs of every family member without partiality. It also means that he is the one who has the last say on the discipline of the children, even if he's a stepfather.

It is the fathers in the home who are responsible in God's eyes for bringing up a child in the discipline and nurture of the Lord. Larry abrogated his authority when he decided to stop coming home and spend evenings at the office. He should seek and trust, however, his wife's insight into her biological children.

He doesn't ignore that. If he really loves his wife, he's going to listen to her carefully. And he's going to listen to her insight and actually follow her counsel. And he's responsible to lead his home in a selfless, caring way by treating her biological children as lovingly as he does his own, roughly parallel to the way in which the kinsman redeemer is to treat the family and the wife of his brother or distant cousin when he marries her and takes her under his household.

The wife, then, is a suitable helper, submissive to the husband's leadership. She's responsible to support her husband and follow his lead in all matters unless he requires something of her that's clearly unbiblical and immoral. She must ensure that the children see a unified front in front of her husband.

It's not his responsibility to come in line with her ideas. It's her responsibility to come in line with his ideas. Of course, as a good leader, the husband is going to be careful to listen to her concerns in regard to the children and take them seriously into account when he makes decisions.

Antibiblical, feminist, egalitarian dogmas of male-female roles within the home have done more to produce confusion and division within stepfamilies than any other single element. In our case, Judy decided at one point to reject her husband's leadership and to always side with her daughters. And it caused a fissure in the family and almost tore it apart.

She decided her ideas of child-rearing were better than his ideas. And her children took full advantage of it. Now, I realize that our scenario up to this particular point haven't dealt with an unbelieving spouse. What do you do if you have a stepfather who's an unbeliever? What do you do if the stepmother is an unbeliever?

And the short answer is simple. Putting into action is more complicated. The believing spouse is still responsible to practice the same God-given biblical role. Of course, any time an unbelieving spouse would require anything that is clearly not scriptural, the believing spouse has a biblical responsibility to obey God rather than man.

In any case, stepchildren desperately need to see biblical roles practiced in the home. Secondly, communication that addresses the hearts of the children. Another common error of many stepparents is to come into a new home situation, lay down the law, especially stepfathers. The home was never intended to be a police state.

A home must be built on close personal relationship. So if you're a stepparent who is given to legislating laws, you're guilty of behaviorism. You'll produce children and stepchildren who will be little Pharisees. On the outside, they'll know how to perform. But on the inside, they'll rebel against you and everything you stand for.

You've got to learn to address their hearts as a biological parent and a stepparent. Don't be the type of parent that just passes out discipline like an arresting officer. Children, and especially stepchildren, need to be convinced in the depths of their own heart that you have their long-term interests in mind.

The way you build this is through meaningful, godly communication. And that takes time. It takes practice. Most stepparents prefer behavioristic parenting techniques because it's very quick and easy. Larry loved discipline-- I mean, behaviorism. He thought parenting consisted in laying down rules and correcting the children when they violated him.

And his rationalization-- he rationalized his approach with the observation that Judy had let her kids go on for so many years with little discipline that he had to make up for lost time. No wonder her step-- or his stepdaughters hated him. Parents-- good parenting does involve discipline. But as children grow older, the discipline needs to be replaced with instruction.

Children need to internalize biblical principles. And it is patient, loving communication that will make that happen. So help your children and your stepchildren address the idols of their heart. Help them learn how to understand their own heart and what drives their actions and attitudes. Train them, as we've talked about earlier in this class, to be biblically wise in evaluating their wants and their desires and their cravings.

Those eight questions that we asked earlier in addressing the heart, those eight questions are key questions. Of course, if you as a parent are not honest about your own heart idols, they will never be. Larry wanted a submissive wife and obedient children. And the fact that he grew angry, withdrew, and began to consider divorce revealed that his desires had become idolatrous desires.

Furthermore, his biological children's stepfather was a major test of trust in him. Well, he really wasn't a stepfather, because he wasn't married to Larry's ex-wife. But technically, he was, in a sense, acting like a stepfather. And Judy, then, on the other hand, didn't want her children to suffer any more adversity.

And so she was unwilling to confront her children with their rebellious ways. This became an idol in Judy's heart. She also began to resent Larry's children, because they brought additional unwanted trouble into her home. She had an idol of peace at any cost for her children. Until Larry and Judy confront their own idols, they're never going to be able to help their own children with theirs.

Now, how can Larry and Judy help their children? Well, here's the communication part of it. Larry's biological children. His daughter and son want their old family to be restored. They're angry and they're bitter, because Larry's remarriage has prevented it. It's wrong for them to want the restoration of their father and mother.

Was that wrong? No. But they have allowed that desire to be more important than God's will in their lives. They want their old home more than they want to please God. And that's rebellion against God. This is what drives their anger towards Judy and all of their disagreements with Judy's children.

Larry can help them understand this and show them how the Bible says that bitterness and anger can destroy their lives. Judy can help her stepchildren by loving them in spite of their anger and showing them that their real anger is against God. As Ecclesiastes 7.14 said earlier, God makes the bad times as well as the good.

But he always has our long-term interests and good in mind. Now, what about Judy's biological children? Well, Judy's teenage daughters have grown used to their mother's full attention for eight years. They now view Larry as a chief competitor in striving for mom's attention. Mom even treated them almost as an equal after their father's death.

And now that she no longer had a husband to turn to for comfort and to share her adult concerns about life, she turned to her oldest daughters. So they had become accustomed to being on the same adult level as their mother. Combine the factors that Judy did not want to practice good discipline with them, believing that they had suffered already enough because of the death of their father, and the fact that they no longer viewed Judy as an authority figure but as an equal companion, all of those issues conspired together to cause her daughters to view all adults as equal.

And when Larry came into the home, Larry was an equal to them. Consequently, when Larry came in as an authority figure that was intent on having a well-disciplined family, their resentment turned to hatred and open rebellion. Judy's son had a different heart idol. He had always wanted a father like other boys his age.

Larry was a welcome addition to the family, but Larry's biological son was a threat to his dream. Jealousy grew in his heart as Larry's son came for a visit every weekend. And his dream for a father did not include a stepbrother that he'd have to share his father with.

Soon, Judy's son was taking every opportunity he could to privately sabotage Larry's relationship with his biological son when Larry wasn't around. Now, Judy needs to help her daughters and her sons see the issues that dominate their hearts. Larry, as their stepfather, can support this effort by individually building personal relationships with each of those stepchildren.

And together, they need to meet with each of the children individually and work with them to identify and repent of these idols biblically. Issues like anger, bitterness, resentment, jealousy, unfulfilled expectations are all addressed-- they're all a part of this home, and they're addressed in the Bible. Larry and Judy must do their biblical homework and arrange time to build this kind of understanding with each child.

Now, number three, minimal rules for the home. What are those? Well, you could divide them into two groups. Number one, there's absolute rules that cannot be compromised. Where the Bible speaks about the conduct of people and children in clarity, it must be known that these cannot be compromised in the home.

Those are God's absolute rules. Those are the rules of heaven. They're not just the household rules. But the second type is rules of the household. And those are not necessarily God's rules, but a stepdad and stepmom's best ways of living out godliness in their home. They're not always perfect, because they are human inventions.

But unless there is a good biblical reason, they should be changed. Children are supposed to follow them. What are we talking about? We're talking about standards of cleaning, rooms, curfews, dress, music, chores, allowance, use of the car, academic grades, choice of friends. All of those are wisdom issues that have no direct biblical commands.

But parents must make decisions about these issues if they're going to be good parents. Last of all, what are the procedures and policy for discipline? And I believe it is vitally important that a step-parent and biological parent sit down and work out a consistent, workable plan of discipline for their home that both in good conscience can be committed to.

Often, a biblical counselor can help them work through this. But remember the warning of Ephesians 6:4. Don't produce a plan that will incite your children to anger and exasperation. I like what Charles Hodge says in commenting on Ephesians 6:4, that parents are not to excite the bad passions of their children, nor is the father, by his own conduct, to nurture evil in the heart of the child.

William Hendrickson, his commentary, says do not exasperate or embitter your child. Do not provoke your child to an angry mood. Larry, in our example, could very well have done this with his stepchildren. In other words, do not provoke your children to a wrathful kind of living, to become angry young men and women.

You'll produce an angry man or woman that Proverbs warns about in Proverbs 22, 24, or a man of great anger in Proverbs 19, 19, or a man who has no control over his spirit in Proverbs 25, 28. So those are the four rules of basic agreement that need to be there.

So the husband must be the head of the home. The wife is a suitable helper. The biblical communication, the rules must be policy in the home. Absolute rules of God cannot be compromised. Provisional rules of the household are needed. Biblical discipline should be consistent. That's what we're after. Questions about that?

Covered a lot of material. Let me emphasize in this before you leave. In counseling, it's vitally important that if the step parents disagree, that they disagree with one another behind closed doors, out of the view and the hearing of the children. If mom disagrees with dad, she does it behind closed doors.

They are always presenting a united front before the children, where the children do not see a speck of daylight between mom and dad. That always-- especially in a step parent home. Well, I have one last assignment. Have a good evening. Bye.