Hope for Hard Marriages

00:00:00.000 | [Music]

00:00:06.000 | Podcast listener Angel writes in, "Pastor John, I grew up as a Christian and I always

00:00:10.480 | planned to marry a good Christian man that brought me closer to God, held me accountable,

00:00:15.460 | and shared the same beliefs.

00:00:17.000 | I'll skip all of the details on how I got to this point.

00:00:20.120 | I ended up marrying someone that claimed to be a Christian but who lives a lifestyle contrary

00:00:24.180 | to the one founded on Christian values.

00:00:26.920 | I'm at a loss.

00:00:28.480 | He doesn't want a divorce and I don't want to live in sin.

00:00:31.320 | I know Paul teaches that we are to stay with our unbelieving spouse, but were those God's

00:00:36.320 | words?

00:00:37.400 | I don't believe that divorce is pleasing to God, but I don't know that my marriage is

00:00:41.080 | either."

00:00:42.080 | Pastor John, what would you say to Angel?

00:00:45.880 | Wow.

00:00:46.940 | This is huge.

00:00:47.940 | This has so many dimensions, and not to mention the sadness and the heaviness that's in that

00:00:56.320 | sentence.

00:00:57.320 | I'm not going to go into all the details.

00:00:59.080 | So please, Angel, know that I've tasted enough trouble in marriage and I've listened to enough

00:01:07.760 | people with trouble that I don't make light of anything you've said here.

00:01:12.600 | Everything I have to say, I say with a sense of gravity.

00:01:18.560 | What should we say?

00:01:20.560 | It seems like at the heart, I mean, the first issue I've just got to deal with are her words,

00:01:26.200 | "I know Paul teaches that we are to stay with our unbelieving spouse, but were those God's

00:01:34.040 | words?"

00:01:35.040 | Now, I'm not sure what she's saying there, but I'm going to tackle a problem that she

00:01:41.200 | might be addressing, because in the passage of Scripture in 1 Corinthians 7, where Paul

00:01:47.040 | teaches on this, he says, "Not I but the Lord," in one case, and "I not the Lord," in another.

00:01:54.600 | I wonder if Angel is wondering, is Paul just giving his opinion here, and these are not

00:02:00.320 | God's words?

00:02:01.320 | So let me read this and tackle that issue for just a few minutes.

00:02:05.760 | It says in 1 Corinthians 7.10, "To the married I give this charge, 'Not I but the Lord.'"

00:02:15.320 | Not I but the Lord.

00:02:16.640 | "The wife should not separate from her husband, but if she does, she should remain unmarried

00:02:22.880 | or else be reconciled to her husband, and the husband should not divorce his wife."

00:02:28.080 | And then he says, "To the rest," this is verse 12, "To the rest I say, 'I, not the Lord.'"

00:02:36.240 | And that's what I'm wondering she's asking about, that if any brother has a wife who

00:02:40.560 | is an unbeliever and she consents to live with him, he should not divorce her.

00:02:45.880 | And if any woman has a husband who is an unbeliever and he consents to live with her, she should

00:02:52.400 | not divorce him.

00:02:53.560 | That's what she's referring to, and she wonders, are those God's words or just Paul's words?

00:02:58.960 | And I'm going to give four reasons why I believe they are God's words and Paul's words.

00:03:07.240 | Number one, Paul was recognized as one of the authoritative apostles of the risen Lord

00:03:13.760 | to speak on his behalf in Galatians 2.

00:03:17.260 | When they saw, Paul said, "That I had been entrusted with the gospel to the uncircumcised,"

00:03:22.840 | just as Peter had been entrusted with the gospel to the circumcised, for he who worked

00:03:28.580 | through Peter for his apostolic ministry to the circumcised worked also through me for

00:03:36.100 | mine to the Gentiles.

00:03:37.500 | Paul believed that he was, and others credited him as being, one of the authorized apostles

00:03:46.060 | to speak for the risen Christ.

00:03:48.260 | Number two, at the end of this unit in 1 Corinthians 7, verse 40, I believe, Paul claims to have

00:03:57.820 | the Spirit of God in what he's teaching.

00:03:59.780 | He says, "I think that I too have the Spirit of God."

00:04:03.900 | He's saying that over the whole chapter.

00:04:06.380 | Number three, in chapter 14, verse 37, Paul writes with the incredible claim of authority

00:04:13.020 | of the Lord when he says, "If anyone thinks that he is a prophet or spiritual, he should

00:04:17.940 | acknowledge that the things I am writing to you are a command of the Lord.

00:04:22.740 | If anyone does not recognize, he is not recognized."

00:04:25.740 | So Paul has this enormous claim on the most practical issues to be speaking with the authority

00:04:31.660 | of Christ that even prophets should submit to.

00:04:36.140 | The last point on this is regarding "I, not the Lord."

00:04:42.180 | Here's what he says.

00:04:43.540 | So verse 10, "I, not the Lord," refers, I think, to the fact that in the one case, he

00:04:52.980 | has an actual explicit teaching from the historical Jesus as we have it in the Gospels, whereas

00:05:01.460 | in the second case, when he's talking about marriage to an unbeliever, he doesn't have

00:05:05.200 | any explicit teaching from the historical Jesus in the Gospels.

00:05:10.140 | And so he's saying, "I'm rendering my apostolic authoritative judgment on that.

00:05:16.980 | I don't have anything to quote from Jesus."

00:05:20.680 | So in Mark chapter 10, he has this, "Whoever divorces his wife and marries another commits

00:05:27.580 | adultery against her.

00:05:29.860 | And if she divorces her husband and marries another, she commits adultery."

00:05:35.020 | So Paul has a clear word.

00:05:37.020 | Evidently, he had access to this tradition that was recorded in the Gospel of Mark.

00:05:43.900 | But when it comes to, well, tell us whether that applies to being married to an unbeliever.

00:05:52.100 | You can read all four Gospels and you won't find Jesus addressing that.

00:05:56.060 | And so Paul, I think, is saying, "I, not the Lord," in the sense that the Lord has spoken

00:06:02.580 | in his historical life on this issue.

00:06:06.460 | But he speaks, "If any brother has a wife who is an unbeliever and she consents to live

00:06:11.900 | with him, he should not divorce her.

00:06:14.520 | If any woman has a husband who is an unbeliever and he consents to live with her, she should

00:06:19.220 | not divorce him."

00:06:20.940 | So when she asked, "Did God say this?

00:06:24.240 | Is this God's will?"

00:06:26.080 | My answer is yes.

00:06:28.740 | Now here's the one other thing I think we need to deal with in her question.

00:06:33.700 | She writes, "He doesn't want divorce.

00:06:35.180 | My husband doesn't want divorce.

00:06:37.240 | And I don't want to live in sin."

00:06:39.140 | Oh, I wish I knew what she meant there.

00:06:42.300 | I don't believe that divorce is pleasing to God, but I don't know that my marriage is

00:06:47.980 | either.

00:06:49.780 | So I need to know what she means when she's saying, "I don't want to live in sin."

00:06:58.660 | So now I'm going to assume something.

00:07:00.500 | This is really important.

00:07:01.500 | I'm going to assume that you are not talking about a case where your life or the life of

00:07:08.140 | your children is threatened or a situation where he may be beating you.

00:07:13.980 | In that case, you should seek safety from your friends, a church, and you should bring

00:07:20.180 | in the authorities, church and civil, to restrain him.

00:07:24.940 | So I'm going to assume that's not what she's talking about when she says that somehow she

00:07:30.260 | might be drawn into sin here.

00:07:34.700 | So with regard to that general point, should she ever let herself be drawn into sin by

00:07:40.900 | somehow being a good wife?

00:07:43.260 | And my answer is 1 Peter 3, 1-6 makes it very clear that being a faithful, submissive Christian

00:07:52.380 | wife does not mean you should ever follow your husband into sin.

00:08:00.700 | The whole point of that passage is that a woman has a new Lord, Jesus, above her husband,

00:08:09.020 | and she's trying to win her husband to join her in that allegiance to Jesus.

00:08:16.780 | So if your husband is asking of you that you do things that are sinful, you should say

00:08:26.960 | to him humbly something like this, "I would love to follow your lead in this marriage,

00:08:35.380 | but when you ask me to do something that is sin, you're asking me to offend the one who

00:08:43.140 | has an even greater authority in my life than you have.

00:08:47.420 | They need Jesus, and I cannot do it."

00:08:51.100 | I think that is a submissive way not to walk into sin.

00:08:58.380 | She says, "I wonder if my marriage is pleasing to the Lord."

00:09:01.860 | And I would just say, and this might be the last thing we can tackle, I would just say

00:09:08.420 | that you should focus not on whether your marriage is pleasing to the Lord, but on whether

00:09:13.620 | you are.

00:09:15.000 | So here are just a few encouragements.

00:09:17.780 | Number one, 1 Peter 3, 1 to 6, addresses your situation exactly.

00:09:24.980 | It gives guidance for you in trying to win a husband who does not obey the Word.

00:09:31.940 | It doesn't answer every question.

00:09:33.580 | I know that.

00:09:34.580 | It will leave questions unanswered.

00:09:36.100 | But the Lord has given it to us, and it's a gift to us in marriage.

00:09:40.660 | Second encouragement, the Lord promises to give you all the grace you need to be pleasing

00:09:45.840 | to Him yourself.

00:09:48.100 | And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so having all sufficiency in all things,

00:09:53.460 | at all times you will abound in every good work.

00:09:56.620 | 2 Corinthians 9, 8, whatever your husband does, thinks, feels, God looks to you alone

00:10:04.460 | for whether you are walking in sin, not your husband.

00:10:08.940 | Number three, marriage is a parable of covenant faithfulness, not covenant bliss.

00:10:16.580 | Your faithfulness to your vows is pleasing to the Lord, no matter how much sadness is

00:10:23.500 | in your heart or in His heart.

00:10:25.940 | It tells the truth.

00:10:27.220 | This covenant keeping, your marriage is telling the truth about Christ and His church as a

00:10:33.380 | covenant keeping Christ and church.

00:10:36.700 | And fourth, things can change, even after many years, yes, they can.

00:10:43.460 | So now unto Him who is able to do far more abundantly than you ask or think according

00:10:50.220 | to the power at work within us.

00:10:52.220 | So don't make your faithfulness depend on your husband's change, but do keep hoping

00:10:58.700 | and praying for it.

00:11:00.020 | Keep knocking on the door of heaven.

00:11:02.580 | And the last thing, last encouragement I would give is this, even if your marriage falls

00:11:07.180 | short of your hopes to the end, and which marriage doesn't, God will reward your faithfulness

00:11:16.540 | in the age to come a thousandfold.

00:11:19.740 | Whatever good anyone does, Ephesians 6, 8, whatever good anyone does, this he will receive

00:11:25.060 | back from the Lord.

00:11:28.460 | Your husband and your friends may have no idea how many sacrifices you have made in

00:11:35.140 | order to love your husband as well as you can, but God knows every single one of them.

00:11:42.620 | And He says, "You will be repaid."

00:11:46.020 | All our trials are working for us in eternal weight of glory.

00:11:52.380 | Beautiful Pastor John, that is wonderfully hope-filled counsel.

00:11:55.300 | Thank you.

00:11:56.300 | Well, what is love exactly?

00:12:00.020 | Pastor John recently answered that question in episode 650, and tomorrow he will explain

00:12:04.220 | why God's love is a radical, counterintuitive love that you'll never get from Hollywood.

00:12:11.100 | For everything related to this podcast, go to our online home at DesiringGod.org/AskPastorJohn.

00:12:18.420 | And there you can send us a question like this one today from Angel.

00:12:22.540 | I'm your host Tony Reinke.

00:12:23.540 | We'll see you tomorrow.

00:12:24.340 | Bye.

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Hope for Hard Marriages

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