My Spouse Doesn’t Enjoy Sex

00:00:00.000 | (upbeat music)

00:00:02.580 | We close out the week with another question

00:00:07.220 | on marital intimacy.

00:00:09.080 | This question is even more frank than yesterday's,

00:00:11.520 | so obviously it's intended for mature audiences only.

00:00:15.560 | Steve, a listener, writes in with a common question

00:00:19.760 | that we get in the inbox pretty regularly, Pastor John.

00:00:23.700 | He writes this, "Hello, Pastor John.

00:00:25.280 | "In episode number 475, you talked about sexual attraction

00:00:28.220 | "and argued that it is not essential for marriage.

00:00:31.500 | "I am married to a gracious woman

00:00:33.300 | "who will gladly oblige me if I ask her,

00:00:36.620 | "but I find that though I do need sex,

00:00:39.040 | "I do not desire it when I know she obliges

00:00:42.020 | "without any sexual desire for me.

00:00:45.820 | "If I sense she is getting no enjoyment out of the act,

00:00:49.300 | "it makes it feel utterly disgusting to me.

00:00:52.960 | "What advice would you have for me?"

00:00:55.680 | My heart aches for Steve when I hear this.

00:00:59.980 | I know exactly what he means,

00:01:04.040 | and I think it's normal and healthy,

00:01:08.780 | maybe with the exception of when he said,

00:01:13.540 | "I feel disgust at that moment."

00:01:15.100 | I'm gonna come back to that and caution him,

00:01:18.060 | but I do agree.

00:01:19.380 | God made sexual relations to be profoundly mutual.

00:01:25.200 | Mutual in marriage.

00:01:27.360 | Each gives, each receives, each feels the act

00:01:31.880 | as the consummation of a wider and deeper spiritual

00:01:36.080 | and personal union for which sex

00:01:39.280 | is only one of the capstones, but an important one.

00:01:44.160 | Each is saying to you and you only do I give in this way

00:01:49.600 | and from you and from you only do I receive in this way.

00:01:54.600 | There's so many levels at which the mutuality

00:01:59.460 | of sexual relations is significant.

00:02:03.100 | So yes to his dismay and sadness at the lack of mutuality.

00:02:08.100 | Steve's experience in one form or another, alas,

00:02:17.300 | is quite common.

00:02:18.820 | We need to broaden it out and think about it for a moment.

00:02:20.840 | Couples seldom have the same level of interest

00:02:25.000 | and passion about sexual relations,

00:02:28.160 | and that relates to frequency, location, timing,

00:02:32.760 | methods, privacy, kinds of touch.

00:02:36.880 | No couple has the same comfort level

00:02:40.680 | with all these variables.

00:02:43.000 | So it sounds like Steve is dealing

00:02:45.360 | with a particularly difficult example

00:02:49.360 | of what is virtually common to every couple,

00:02:51.960 | how to live sexually when desires in all these areas

00:02:56.960 | are often significantly different,

00:03:01.500 | or at least in some of them.

00:03:03.240 | So here's the key passage of Scripture

00:03:07.320 | where Paul addresses this pretty directly.

00:03:10.760 | First Corinthians 7, three through five.

00:03:13.440 | The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights,

00:03:18.440 | her marriage rights.

00:03:20.560 | That means sex.

00:03:21.960 | And likewise, the wife to her husband.

00:03:25.040 | For the wife does not have authority over her own body,

00:03:28.660 | but the husband does.

00:03:30.200 | Likewise, the husband does not have authority

00:03:32.520 | over his own body, but the wife does.

00:03:34.920 | Do not deprive one another except perhaps by agreement

00:03:40.880 | for a limited time that you may devote yourselves to prayer,

00:03:44.320 | but then come together again so that Satan may not tempt you

00:03:48.440 | because of your lack of self-control.

00:03:51.040 | Now, the most obvious thing in this passage

00:03:54.160 | is that Paul commends relatively frequent sexual relations.

00:03:58.760 | Do not deprive one another except perhaps by agreement

00:04:02.340 | for a limited time, but then come together again

00:04:05.800 | so that Satan may not tempt you.

00:04:08.400 | What's less obvious is that whose desires should govern

00:04:13.400 | how this act of sex happens is perplexing.

00:04:21.800 | What happens if you say,

00:04:25.940 | wife, accede to your husband's desires.

00:04:31.680 | Husband, accede to your wife's desires,

00:04:35.340 | which is in fact what he says.

00:04:37.320 | For the wife does not have authority over her own body,

00:04:41.120 | but the husband does, so he can do as he pleases.

00:04:44.740 | Likewise, the husband does not have authority

00:04:47.440 | over his own body, but the wife does,

00:04:49.320 | so she can do as she pleases.

00:04:52.000 | Well, so she gets to call the shots

00:04:55.620 | and he gets to call the shots.

00:04:58.880 | Now, what do you do if the shots are not the same?

00:05:03.880 | I don't think Paul slipped up here.

00:05:05.960 | Oops, contradicted myself.

00:05:07.600 | That's not very helpful.

00:05:08.900 | Paul is not that kind of person

00:05:11.680 | and he's guided by the Holy Spirit.

00:05:14.000 | I think he knew exactly what he was doing.

00:05:16.760 | He knew that he was dealing with one of the deepest,

00:05:20.320 | most complex emotional moments in human life,

00:05:25.320 | which means that any simple formula

00:05:29.100 | for who gets to do what and when and where and how,

00:05:33.720 | a simple formula will not fit reality.

00:05:38.320 | The reality is that in a Christian marriage

00:05:42.320 | where the couple are growing in grace,

00:05:45.980 | they will figure this out along the lines of Romans 12.10,

00:05:50.980 | outdo one another in showing honor,

00:05:56.200 | or you could say grace or mercy or love

00:05:58.880 | or kindness or gentleness or whatever.

00:06:01.520 | It's the most wonderful kind of competition,

00:06:04.680 | outdo one another in showing honor.

00:06:07.760 | She will want to honor him by giving him what he desires.

00:06:12.480 | And he will want to honor her

00:06:14.740 | by giving her what she desires,

00:06:17.420 | which may be less of his desire.

00:06:20.800 | And they will pray and they will talk and they will struggle

00:06:24.880 | and they will grow with much frustration along the way.

00:06:29.000 | So I want to give a word to Steve's wife

00:06:32.240 | and then to him, to his wife.

00:06:35.280 | Be sure to never stop growing in emotional maturity

00:06:40.280 | that can join people in their joy,

00:06:47.000 | doing things you don't care about doing.

00:06:49.520 | And you can hear me generalizing here.

00:06:51.440 | This isn't just sex.

00:06:52.760 | This is a general growth issue in Christian life

00:06:55.340 | for all of us.

00:06:56.680 | This applies especially to your husband,

00:06:59.240 | and he should do the same for you.

00:07:01.720 | He may want you to go fishing or golfing,

00:07:06.240 | and you may want him to go to your kind of movie

00:07:08.800 | or a particular concert.

00:07:10.200 | And we all know people who say yes to those invitations,

00:07:15.200 | and then in a dozen ways,

00:07:19.400 | through their body language and other ways,

00:07:21.840 | show all during the event, "I don't want to be here.

00:07:25.280 | I wish I weren't fishing with you.

00:07:26.880 | I wish I weren't at this stupid movie

00:07:28.760 | that you wanted me to go to."

00:07:30.200 | That is a mark of profound immaturity and shallow love.

00:07:35.200 | The need is to grow up and learn to be bathed in grace

00:07:42.280 | at this moment.

00:07:45.320 | And this especially applies in the marriage bed.

00:07:51.000 | Don't say yes to your husband's desire tonight

00:07:55.360 | by complying and then in a half a dozen ways,

00:07:59.480 | communicating, "I wish I weren't here."

00:08:02.000 | This may be a revelation to you.

00:08:04.520 | Let me try it.

00:08:05.500 | You don't have to have the same kind of pleasure

00:08:09.680 | to make him feel loved.

00:08:11.440 | Take joy, if you're not enjoying

00:08:14.040 | the actual physical realities of touch and sexual union,

00:08:19.080 | take joy in him.

00:08:21.600 | Take joy in the fact that you can give him pleasure.

00:08:25.440 | Take joy in the fact that he only wants it from you.

00:08:29.720 | Take joy in the privilege that he trusts you

00:08:32.880 | with his naked, emotional, physical, ridiculous abandon

00:08:37.880 | that he would be embarrassed in any other context

00:08:41.200 | to display and he trusts you with this.

00:08:44.560 | Take joy in the grace of God that you have

00:08:49.560 | and that you can give yourself to him in these situations.

00:08:55.800 | In other words, a mature, growing, gracious wife

00:09:00.800 | who does not find physical pleasure in sexual relations

00:09:06.680 | can find lots of pleasures in the event

00:09:10.680 | because of the way God set it up to be.

00:09:13.560 | There are ways, there are ways that a mature wife

00:09:18.040 | can delight in that sexual moment.

00:09:20.040 | And just a closing word to Steve,

00:09:22.960 | I would say don't assume the worst about her.

00:09:26.000 | Assume that even without sexual desires,

00:09:30.280 | she has other good desires to please you.

00:09:33.520 | And that is a kind of love that you can receive and enjoy.

00:09:37.520 | Yes, you wish she were more passionate,

00:09:40.760 | more there, more engaged.

00:09:43.440 | Yes, you do, and that's normal, that's good.

00:09:45.600 | What husband wouldn't want that?

00:09:48.600 | Or wife if he's not engaged.

00:09:51.080 | But don't let your disappointment turn into a growing anger

00:09:56.080 | or a disgust, like you used that word.

00:10:01.200 | Don't let your disappointment and the shortfall

00:10:05.400 | turn into a disgust that drives you farther apart.

00:10:09.160 | Do your best to turn the sexual encounter

00:10:13.240 | into something she will enjoy at some level.

00:10:18.160 | That may mean, that may mean it's what you say to her

00:10:22.080 | that makes all the difference.

00:10:23.400 | She looks forward to those moments

00:10:24.640 | just because of your words, if not the event.

00:10:28.160 | And I'll pray, I really will.

00:10:29.560 | I'll pray for you, Steve, and your wife,

00:10:33.880 | that both of you will learn the secret

00:10:36.840 | of outdoing one another in showing honor

00:10:40.080 | and in showing pleasure.

00:10:43.120 | Wise counsel, thank you, Pastor John.

00:10:44.720 | And thank you for the follow-up question, Steve.

00:10:46.920 | Behind this episode was episode number 475,

00:10:50.320 | is sexual attraction essential for marriage?

00:10:52.960 | You can find that in the podcast archive.

00:10:55.360 | And we addressed a related question yesterday

00:10:58.200 | in episode number 516.

00:11:00.800 | And if you have a question for Pastor John,

00:11:02.520 | we'd like to hear it.

00:11:03.600 | Keep it short, keep it to the point,

00:11:05.400 | and email it to us at askpastorjohn@desiringgod.org.

00:11:10.080 | We're gonna break for the weekend now,

00:11:11.560 | but we'll be back on Monday.

00:11:12.880 | I'm your host, Tony Reinke.

00:11:14.240 | I'll see you then.

00:11:15.440 | (logo whooshes)

00:11:18.120 | (logo whooshes)

00:11:20.800 | [BLANK_AUDIO]

My Spouse Doesn’t Enjoy Sex

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