(upbeat music) We close out the week with another question on marital intimacy. This question is even more frank than yesterday's, so obviously it's intended for mature audiences only. Steve, a listener, writes in with a common question that we get in the inbox pretty regularly, Pastor John. He writes this, "Hello, Pastor John.

"In episode number 475, you talked about sexual attraction "and argued that it is not essential for marriage. "I am married to a gracious woman "who will gladly oblige me if I ask her, "but I find that though I do need sex, "I do not desire it when I know she obliges "without any sexual desire for me.

"If I sense she is getting no enjoyment out of the act, "it makes it feel utterly disgusting to me. "What advice would you have for me?" My heart aches for Steve when I hear this. I know exactly what he means, and I think it's normal and healthy, maybe with the exception of when he said, "I feel disgust at that moment." I'm gonna come back to that and caution him, but I do agree.

God made sexual relations to be profoundly mutual. Mutual in marriage. Each gives, each receives, each feels the act as the consummation of a wider and deeper spiritual and personal union for which sex is only one of the capstones, but an important one. Each is saying to you and you only do I give in this way and from you and from you only do I receive in this way.

There's so many levels at which the mutuality of sexual relations is significant. So yes to his dismay and sadness at the lack of mutuality. Steve's experience in one form or another, alas, is quite common. We need to broaden it out and think about it for a moment. Couples seldom have the same level of interest and passion about sexual relations, and that relates to frequency, location, timing, methods, privacy, kinds of touch.

No couple has the same comfort level with all these variables. So it sounds like Steve is dealing with a particularly difficult example of what is virtually common to every couple, how to live sexually when desires in all these areas are often significantly different, or at least in some of them.

So here's the key passage of Scripture where Paul addresses this pretty directly. First Corinthians 7, three through five. The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, her marriage rights. That means sex. And likewise, the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does.

Likewise, the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another except perhaps by agreement for a limited time that you may devote yourselves to prayer, but then come together again so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

Now, the most obvious thing in this passage is that Paul commends relatively frequent sexual relations. Do not deprive one another except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, but then come together again so that Satan may not tempt you. What's less obvious is that whose desires should govern how this act of sex happens is perplexing.

What happens if you say, wife, accede to your husband's desires. Husband, accede to your wife's desires, which is in fact what he says. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does, so he can do as he pleases. Likewise, the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does, so she can do as she pleases.

Well, so she gets to call the shots and he gets to call the shots. Now, what do you do if the shots are not the same? I don't think Paul slipped up here. Oops, contradicted myself. That's not very helpful. Paul is not that kind of person and he's guided by the Holy Spirit.

I think he knew exactly what he was doing. He knew that he was dealing with one of the deepest, most complex emotional moments in human life, which means that any simple formula for who gets to do what and when and where and how, a simple formula will not fit reality.

The reality is that in a Christian marriage where the couple are growing in grace, they will figure this out along the lines of Romans 12.10, outdo one another in showing honor, or you could say grace or mercy or love or kindness or gentleness or whatever. It's the most wonderful kind of competition, outdo one another in showing honor.

She will want to honor him by giving him what he desires. And he will want to honor her by giving her what she desires, which may be less of his desire. And they will pray and they will talk and they will struggle and they will grow with much frustration along the way.

So I want to give a word to Steve's wife and then to him, to his wife. Be sure to never stop growing in emotional maturity that can join people in their joy, doing things you don't care about doing. And you can hear me generalizing here. This isn't just sex.

This is a general growth issue in Christian life for all of us. This applies especially to your husband, and he should do the same for you. He may want you to go fishing or golfing, and you may want him to go to your kind of movie or a particular concert.

And we all know people who say yes to those invitations, and then in a dozen ways, through their body language and other ways, show all during the event, "I don't want to be here. I wish I weren't fishing with you. I wish I weren't at this stupid movie that you wanted me to go to." That is a mark of profound immaturity and shallow love.

The need is to grow up and learn to be bathed in grace at this moment. And this especially applies in the marriage bed. Don't say yes to your husband's desire tonight by complying and then in a half a dozen ways, communicating, "I wish I weren't here." This may be a revelation to you.

Let me try it. You don't have to have the same kind of pleasure to make him feel loved. Take joy, if you're not enjoying the actual physical realities of touch and sexual union, take joy in him. Take joy in the fact that you can give him pleasure. Take joy in the fact that he only wants it from you.

Take joy in the privilege that he trusts you with his naked, emotional, physical, ridiculous abandon that he would be embarrassed in any other context to display and he trusts you with this. Take joy in the grace of God that you have and that you can give yourself to him in these situations.

In other words, a mature, growing, gracious wife who does not find physical pleasure in sexual relations can find lots of pleasures in the event because of the way God set it up to be. There are ways, there are ways that a mature wife can delight in that sexual moment.

And just a closing word to Steve, I would say don't assume the worst about her. Assume that even without sexual desires, she has other good desires to please you. And that is a kind of love that you can receive and enjoy. Yes, you wish she were more passionate, more there, more engaged.

Yes, you do, and that's normal, that's good. What husband wouldn't want that? Or wife if he's not engaged. But don't let your disappointment turn into a growing anger or a disgust, like you used that word. Don't let your disappointment and the shortfall turn into a disgust that drives you farther apart.

Do your best to turn the sexual encounter into something she will enjoy at some level. That may mean, that may mean it's what you say to her that makes all the difference. She looks forward to those moments just because of your words, if not the event. And I'll pray, I really will.

I'll pray for you, Steve, and your wife, that both of you will learn the secret of outdoing one another in showing honor and in showing pleasure. Wise counsel, thank you, Pastor John. And thank you for the follow-up question, Steve. Behind this episode was episode number 475, is sexual attraction essential for marriage?

You can find that in the podcast archive. And we addressed a related question yesterday in episode number 516. And if you have a question for Pastor John, we'd like to hear it. Keep it short, keep it to the point, and email it to us at askpastorjohn@desiringgod.org. We're gonna break for the weekend now, but we'll be back on Monday.

I'm your host, Tony Reinke. I'll see you then. (logo whooshes) (logo whooshes)