Should My Church Help Me Get Married?

00:00:00.000 | (upbeat music)

00:00:02.580 | - Welcome back to the Ask Pastor John Podcast.

00:00:07.160 | Today we enter day two of our 2015 Conference

00:00:10.600 | for Pastors here in Minneapolis.

00:00:12.800 | This will be the fullest day of festivities for us

00:00:15.440 | at the Minneapolis Convention Center.

00:00:17.600 | The Pastors Conference is streaming online all day today,

00:00:20.380 | so go to DesiringGod.org/live for the schedule

00:00:25.380 | and for the video stream.

00:00:27.660 | We're joined again by Matt Chandler.

00:00:29.640 | He's the lead pastor at the Village Church in Dallas

00:00:32.480 | and the author of the new book, "The Mingling of Souls,

00:00:35.320 | "God's Design for Love, Marriage, Sex, and Redemption."

00:00:38.440 | And he joins us on the phone from Dallas.

00:00:40.480 | I've got 10 questions on relationships queued up for him

00:00:43.160 | and we're working through them.

00:00:44.420 | And we are on to question number four.

00:00:47.880 | Matt, what can members of local churches do practically

00:00:51.720 | to help godly marriages happen?

00:00:53.940 | Instead of just telling men to man up

00:00:56.160 | and get your life together,

00:00:57.760 | and instead of simply telling women to stop waiting around

00:01:00.520 | and be active in their singleness,

00:01:02.720 | what role should community play

00:01:04.920 | in deciding who and when to marry?

00:01:07.800 | Any advice for inviting others

00:01:09.780 | into a relationship to that end?

00:01:12.960 | - I mean, I just love this question

00:01:15.000 | because I'm just such a big believer

00:01:16.720 | in what God has called the covenant community of his people

00:01:20.640 | to be in a local context.

00:01:22.400 | I think the way that local churches

00:01:25.720 | can practically help godly marriages happen

00:01:28.360 | outside of telling men to man up,

00:01:31.560 | 'cause I do think there's a space for that,

00:01:33.520 | and telling women to, single women in particular,

00:01:36.360 | to stop waiting around and be active in your singleness.

00:01:38.880 | So I don't wanna say that there aren't places for that

00:01:41.400 | 'cause there most definitely is.

00:01:43.320 | But instead of just doing that,

00:01:45.680 | I think what we wanna do is work really hard in our churches

00:01:49.280 | to create a culture of discipleship,

00:01:51.480 | a culture in which the norm is, the air we breathe,

00:01:56.240 | is that older men are serious

00:01:58.160 | about seeking out younger men to train them,

00:02:01.320 | not just train them in the Bible,

00:02:02.920 | but really train them in what it looks like

00:02:05.320 | to apply the scriptures to their lives.

00:02:07.200 | What does it look like to serve, love,

00:02:10.720 | and encourage your wife?

00:02:11.560 | What does it look like to romance her?

00:02:14.180 | What does it look like to be a man of God

00:02:16.560 | in relation to your wife?

00:02:19.040 | And so we try to do this personally

00:02:22.680 | by having single men into our home.

00:02:24.740 | And so when I have them over,

00:02:27.180 | Lauren will almost always cook the meal,

00:02:29.400 | I'll help set the table,

00:02:30.560 | and then afterwards,

00:02:31.680 | that young man gets to help me do the dishes.

00:02:33.920 | And that's just my way of going,

00:02:36.920 | hey, this is a way that I serve my wife.

00:02:39.860 | And then while we do this,

00:02:41.160 | I tend to just talk about the ways

00:02:43.920 | that I try to make space for Lauren's gifts.

00:02:46.820 | So this is an intentional, organic

00:02:49.100 | kind of culture of discipleship

00:02:51.260 | that I hope is woven into the life of the village.

00:02:53.660 | On top of that, my hope would be

00:02:55.660 | that young men would seek out older men.

00:02:58.100 | And I've told them before, hound older men.

00:03:00.460 | It's not a, let's go through a book together.

00:03:02.800 | It's like, can I get in your space?

00:03:04.660 | Whatever you normally do,

00:03:06.220 | can I just come join you in that?

00:03:08.320 | So if you, can I come have dinner at your house?

00:03:12.980 | And I mean, nothing, just let me sit there,

00:03:15.300 | watch you interact with,

00:03:16.560 | your family and let me ask questions

00:03:19.340 | and to build those types of friendships.

00:03:22.340 | The appeal of youthfulness in churches

00:03:26.440 | is just so heavy and so celebrated.

00:03:28.420 | And yet I've found that really without

00:03:31.260 | a good mix of generations,

00:03:33.980 | then you're gonna get lopsided and silly.

00:03:36.380 | And the worst possible thing imaginable in my mind

00:03:39.860 | is a bunch of 24 year olds

00:03:41.260 | sitting around talking about life.

00:03:42.580 | So if I can get that 24 year old single

00:03:46.060 | with a 38 year old married man,

00:03:50.300 | then I've got real high hopes

00:03:51.840 | for how that 24 year old will see marriage,

00:03:53.780 | understand marriage and desire marriage.

00:03:56.700 | And then at the end of the day,

00:03:58.460 | I think, so that's a kind of training discipleship culture.

00:04:02.260 | But then on top of that,

00:04:03.220 | I think what you celebrate

00:04:04.740 | and how you celebrate is important.

00:04:06.620 | And so we wanna celebrate marriages at the Village Church.

00:04:09.760 | And I wanna celebrate women and men

00:04:12.540 | who have given themselves over to make disciples,

00:04:15.280 | whether they're married or not.

00:04:17.320 | And so in the beautiful design series

00:04:19.300 | that I finished this fall,

00:04:21.240 | I wanted to constantly come back to single women

00:04:24.340 | and single men who had given themselves over

00:04:27.140 | to make disciples and celebrate the fact

00:04:30.500 | that they had done that.

00:04:31.820 | And so more than it is me saying,

00:04:34.380 | hey, get over your singleness,

00:04:37.100 | it's me celebrating the fact that there are those

00:04:39.420 | not sitting around on Valentine's Day,

00:04:42.220 | wanting to be taken out for a movie,

00:04:45.260 | but rather there are those who are having their lives

00:04:47.880 | wrung out in the making of disciples

00:04:50.800 | for their own joy and own fulfillment of heart,

00:04:53.140 | while simultaneously probably still desiring marriage,

00:04:56.120 | desiring a spouse,

00:04:58.860 | but not just kind of sitting on their hands

00:05:02.780 | until they get one.

00:05:04.500 | - Thank you.

00:05:05.340 | And thank you for not only talking about it,

00:05:06.660 | but also for modeling this priority on discipleship.

00:05:10.180 | That's Matt Chandler,

00:05:11.000 | the lead pastor at the Village Church in Dallas

00:05:13.420 | and the author of the new book,

00:05:14.340 | "The Mingling of Souls,

00:05:15.460 | God's Design for Love, Marriage, Sex, and Redemption."

00:05:18.860 | Tomorrow, I wanna ask a common question from the guys.

00:05:22.300 | Should I date a godly girl that I do not find attractive?

00:05:26.940 | I'm your host, Tony Reinke.

00:05:27.900 | Thanks for listening to the Ask Pastor John podcast.

00:05:30.580 | (silence)

00:05:32.740 | (silence)

00:05:34.900 | (silence)

00:05:37.060 | [BLANK_AUDIO]

Should My Church Help Me Get Married?

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