(upbeat music) - Welcome back to the Ask Pastor John Podcast. Today we enter day two of our 2015 Conference for Pastors here in Minneapolis. This will be the fullest day of festivities for us at the Minneapolis Convention Center. The Pastors Conference is streaming online all day today, so go to DesiringGod.org/live for the schedule and for the video stream.

We're joined again by Matt Chandler. He's the lead pastor at the Village Church in Dallas and the author of the new book, "The Mingling of Souls, "God's Design for Love, Marriage, Sex, and Redemption." And he joins us on the phone from Dallas. I've got 10 questions on relationships queued up for him and we're working through them.

And we are on to question number four. Matt, what can members of local churches do practically to help godly marriages happen? Instead of just telling men to man up and get your life together, and instead of simply telling women to stop waiting around and be active in their singleness, what role should community play in deciding who and when to marry?

Any advice for inviting others into a relationship to that end? - I mean, I just love this question because I'm just such a big believer in what God has called the covenant community of his people to be in a local context. I think the way that local churches can practically help godly marriages happen outside of telling men to man up, 'cause I do think there's a space for that, and telling women to, single women in particular, to stop waiting around and be active in your singleness.

So I don't wanna say that there aren't places for that 'cause there most definitely is. But instead of just doing that, I think what we wanna do is work really hard in our churches to create a culture of discipleship, a culture in which the norm is, the air we breathe, is that older men are serious about seeking out younger men to train them, not just train them in the Bible, but really train them in what it looks like to apply the scriptures to their lives.

What does it look like to serve, love, and encourage your wife? What does it look like to romance her? What does it look like to be a man of God in relation to your wife? And so we try to do this personally by having single men into our home.

And so when I have them over, Lauren will almost always cook the meal, I'll help set the table, and then afterwards, that young man gets to help me do the dishes. And that's just my way of going, hey, this is a way that I serve my wife. And then while we do this, I tend to just talk about the ways that I try to make space for Lauren's gifts.

So this is an intentional, organic kind of culture of discipleship that I hope is woven into the life of the village. On top of that, my hope would be that young men would seek out older men. And I've told them before, hound older men. It's not a, let's go through a book together.

It's like, can I get in your space? Whatever you normally do, can I just come join you in that? So if you, can I come have dinner at your house? And I mean, nothing, just let me sit there, watch you interact with, your family and let me ask questions and to build those types of friendships.

The appeal of youthfulness in churches is just so heavy and so celebrated. And yet I've found that really without a good mix of generations, then you're gonna get lopsided and silly. And the worst possible thing imaginable in my mind is a bunch of 24 year olds sitting around talking about life.

So if I can get that 24 year old single with a 38 year old married man, then I've got real high hopes for how that 24 year old will see marriage, understand marriage and desire marriage. And then at the end of the day, I think, so that's a kind of training discipleship culture.

But then on top of that, I think what you celebrate and how you celebrate is important. And so we wanna celebrate marriages at the Village Church. And I wanna celebrate women and men who have given themselves over to make disciples, whether they're married or not. And so in the beautiful design series that I finished this fall, I wanted to constantly come back to single women and single men who had given themselves over to make disciples and celebrate the fact that they had done that.

And so more than it is me saying, hey, get over your singleness, it's me celebrating the fact that there are those not sitting around on Valentine's Day, wanting to be taken out for a movie, but rather there are those who are having their lives wrung out in the making of disciples for their own joy and own fulfillment of heart, while simultaneously probably still desiring marriage, desiring a spouse, but not just kind of sitting on their hands until they get one.

- Thank you. And thank you for not only talking about it, but also for modeling this priority on discipleship. That's Matt Chandler, the lead pastor at the Village Church in Dallas and the author of the new book, "The Mingling of Souls, God's Design for Love, Marriage, Sex, and Redemption." Tomorrow, I wanna ask a common question from the guys.

Should I date a godly girl that I do not find attractive? I'm your host, Tony Reinke. Thanks for listening to the Ask Pastor John podcast. (silence) (silence) (silence)