4 Rules for Dealing with Difficult People | Bill Eddy & Dr. Andrew Huberman

00:00:00.000 | - What should most people do

00:00:04.840 | if they are feeling frustrated with someone that they feel,

00:00:09.840 | for instance, 80% of your problems come from 20% of people.

00:00:13.920 | In this case where I guess we're saying,

00:00:15.280 | like 90% of problems come from these 10% of people,

00:00:18.340 | but really it behooves us all to try and figure out

00:00:22.200 | how best to interact with others.

00:00:24.800 | And so you've spelled out a number of ways

00:00:26.520 | that we can do that today.

00:00:29.520 | If you were to highlight, I never want to pressure,

00:00:32.720 | but highlight one or two things to just keep in mind

00:00:36.640 | as one moves through the world,

00:00:38.180 | the web tool seems especially effective.

00:00:42.280 | Is there anything else that you recommend

00:00:44.920 | that we just hold in mind as we navigate forward?

00:00:47.360 | 'Cause it's quite a landscape out there.

00:00:50.280 | - Yeah, several things,

00:00:52.400 | and I can be brief with each of them.

00:00:54.720 | First, there's what I call the four forget about it's.

00:00:57.920 | Is forget about trying to give the person insight

00:01:00.920 | into how they're behaving.

00:01:03.400 | That blows up the person.

00:01:05.360 | Just like I said, don't blame them for you

00:01:08.060 | ending the relationship.

00:01:10.160 | So just forget about giving them insight.

00:01:13.240 | Instead, talk about what we can do now.

00:01:16.120 | Talk about options.

00:01:18.260 | Talk about, don't go inward with them, go outward with them.

00:01:22.760 | So when you go inward, you escalate their defensiveness.

00:01:26.160 | So don't try to give them insight into themselves.

00:01:28.760 | And a lot of people say, how can I make him see

00:01:31.880 | that what he's doing is so wrong?

00:01:33.720 | Or how can I make her understand

00:01:35.520 | that she's creating the problem we're trying to solve?

00:01:39.720 | Just forget about that.

00:01:40.920 | Talk about, okay, here's what our options are.

00:01:43.200 | Let's talk about what to do.

00:01:45.760 | Second is, don't emphasize the past.

00:01:49.480 | And people argue forever with high conflict people

00:01:52.180 | about the past, and you never resolve the past

00:01:54.680 | with a high conflict person.

00:01:56.800 | And I'll tell you in a minute why that may be.

00:02:00.240 | Focus on what to do now and the future.

00:02:03.040 | Future focus, not past focus.

00:02:05.800 | Maybe you need some information to understand a problem,

00:02:09.040 | but then emphasize the future.

00:02:11.920 | The third is, don't focus on emotions.

00:02:15.680 | And especially don't yell at them, don't burst into tears,

00:02:19.800 | don't tell them how frustrating they are, all of that.

00:02:23.800 | And this is what I'm gonna tell you now is a theory

00:02:26.600 | that I hope someone figures out.

00:02:28.780 | And that is, people with personality disorders

00:02:32.300 | and high conflict personalities don't seem to go through

00:02:35.880 | the five stages of the grieving and healing process.

00:02:39.360 | Denial, anger, bargaining, depression,

00:02:44.160 | sadness, and acceptance.

00:02:46.360 | They seem to get stuck at denial and anger.

00:02:50.480 | So what happens is, they don't resolve things.

00:02:53.600 | They don't, quotes, get over things.

00:02:56.040 | They don't get over the divorce.

00:02:57.580 | They don't get over the job loss.

00:02:59.400 | They don't get over having to sell their house

00:03:02.120 | 'cause they couldn't pay the mortgage.

00:03:04.400 | They don't experience the normal human healing

00:03:08.280 | and grieving process.

00:03:10.500 | So they're stuck.

00:03:12.000 | And so a lot of situations with them turn to anger.

00:03:16.040 | They're angry, but they're not resolved.

00:03:19.620 | So high conflict people are constantly talking

00:03:22.700 | about the past and how aggrieved they are.

00:03:26.200 | They shouldn't have done that to me.

00:03:28.040 | I was right to have done this.

00:03:30.620 | And people start, when I say that,

00:03:32.800 | like students in my class, oh yeah, that's what I see.

00:03:36.360 | They keep repeating themselves.

00:03:38.840 | And they go to as many people as they can

00:03:41.040 | and tell the story.

00:03:42.520 | I believe they're trying to grieve and heal,

00:03:45.660 | but they don't have the mechanism.

00:03:47.800 | And I don't know exactly why.

00:03:49.560 | So I'm hoping someday neuroscience will figure out

00:03:52.860 | what connection is missing and can we give people that

00:03:57.140 | so that they can grieve and heal?

00:03:58.860 | Well, what that means is if you focus on emotions,

00:04:02.240 | you're focusing on an area that's unresolved

00:04:05.500 | and has a lot of hurt.

00:04:07.820 | And so if you say, well, how do you feel about that?

00:04:11.420 | They almost always say, I feel terrible.

00:04:13.780 | I suggest not saying, how you doing today?

00:04:16.820 | Because the answer I get is terrible.

00:04:20.120 | You know what she did yesterday.

00:04:21.720 | You know what he did last week.

00:04:24.080 | So instead, do small talk.

00:04:26.640 | Do it about anything except about how are you feeling today.

00:04:32.080 | So don't ask how you're feeling.

00:04:34.480 | Focus on thinking and doing.

00:04:38.000 | And an example I teach lawyers and mediators

00:04:41.480 | is don't say, how do you feel about that proposal?

00:04:45.000 | Say, what do you think about that?

00:04:46.820 | Could you picture doing that?

00:04:48.240 | How could you do that?

00:04:49.560 | How could that work for you?

00:04:51.640 | Because if you focus, how do you feel?

00:04:54.240 | I feel insulted.

00:04:56.080 | I feel abandoned.

00:04:57.080 | And then they drown in that.

00:04:59.440 | And next thing you know, you've lost them.

00:05:02.120 | So avoid emotions.

00:05:05.240 | Don't focus on emotions, but acknowledge emotions.

00:05:08.760 | Say, I can see your frustration.

00:05:11.660 | Now here's how I can help you today.

00:05:14.760 | The fourth is don't use names.

00:05:17.360 | Don't label people.

00:05:18.960 | Don't say you're a high-conflict person.

00:05:21.520 | And lawyers do that to motivate their clients.

00:05:23.840 | That doesn't work.

00:05:26.080 | Don't say you have a personality disorder.

00:05:28.520 | You may be wrong, and that never motivates anybody.

00:05:32.480 | So that's the fourth.

00:05:33.320 | Forget about it.

00:05:34.240 | So that's key stuff for people to avoid.

00:05:38.880 | [MUSIC PLAYING]

00:05:41.920 | (upbeat music)

00:05:44.500 | (upbeat music)

4 Rules for Dealing with Difficult People | Bill Eddy & Dr. Andrew Huberman

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