Should a Boyfriend “Lead” His Girlfriend?

00:00:00.000 | (upbeat music)

00:00:02.580 | - Welcome back to the Ask Pastor John podcast.

00:00:07.380 | We're joined again by special guest, Matt Chandler,

00:00:10.740 | the lead pastor at the Village Church in Dallas.

00:00:13.420 | Matt is the author of the new book,

00:00:15.000 | The Mingling of Souls,

00:00:17.020 | God's Design for Love, Marriage, Sex, and Redemption.

00:00:20.820 | And I've got 10 questions from singles on relationships

00:00:23.680 | queued up for Matt, and we're working through them.

00:00:25.420 | On to question number six.

00:00:27.600 | Matt, do you think it's wise for a boyfriend

00:00:29.700 | to lead his girlfriend?

00:00:31.580 | Should a dating relationship reflect

00:00:33.280 | the complimentary structure of marriage to any degree?

00:00:37.160 | It seems biblically and practically wise,

00:00:39.540 | but it also seems covenantally inappropriate at this stage.

00:00:43.420 | What would you say?

00:00:44.640 | - Yeah, I would, there's no doubt

00:00:47.240 | that a boyfriend should lead, quote unquote,

00:00:50.440 | his girlfriend in some ways.

00:00:53.380 | But definitely not to the degree

00:00:55.140 | that a husband leads his wife.

00:00:59.060 | So what I possess when it comes to the covenant

00:01:02.700 | I'm in with Lauren is headship, right?

00:01:05.160 | I have, I've been called by God to lead,

00:01:08.740 | to cover, to provide, to protect in ways overlawn

00:01:13.580 | that a boyfriend is not in covenant relationship

00:01:16.100 | with his girlfriend.

00:01:17.680 | However, he should be leading her

00:01:21.480 | in regards to godliness, encouraging her

00:01:25.040 | in regards to her giftedness.

00:01:27.460 | I think he should be encouraging her in prayerfulness,

00:01:31.700 | encouraging her towards an understanding

00:01:35.020 | and growing knowledge of the word of God.

00:01:36.860 | He should take responsibility and the lead

00:01:41.740 | in the areas that as they get to know each other

00:01:44.120 | are clear that she wants.

00:01:46.140 | So I think, and so I gotta be careful here

00:01:48.900 | 'cause I think I have, I can get my own preferences

00:01:51.780 | mixed up in this, so I wanna be real careful.

00:01:53.620 | So let me just kinda put a little asterisk here

00:01:56.180 | and go, I believe being married to Lauren,

00:01:59.140 | like what Lauren wants from me is for me to go,

00:02:02.060 | hey, would you like to go out Thursday?

00:02:04.540 | Yes, and then what she wants is for me to say,

00:02:07.700 | hey, we're gonna go to dinner and we're gonna do this.

00:02:09.700 | She doesn't want me to come home Thursday night

00:02:11.420 | and say, so what do you wanna do?

00:02:13.700 | And so for a boyfriend to be saying,

00:02:17.140 | hey, let's go have dinner, let's sit,

00:02:19.380 | for him to lead out in protection of their purity,

00:02:22.060 | for him to lead out in their growing understanding

00:02:26.060 | of what their relationship is,

00:02:27.620 | I think the man should be driving those things

00:02:29.780 | even as a boyfriend.

00:02:30.940 | - Very good, thank you.

00:02:32.900 | On to question number seven, speaking of sexual purity,

00:02:36.340 | what are a couple of practical helps

00:02:38.140 | for staying sexually pure in a dating relationship

00:02:41.800 | that actually work?

00:02:43.780 | - Yeah, that's a funny, to me this question of purity,

00:02:47.620 | it feels, and again, I've been married for 15 years,

00:02:50.440 | but it feels like common sense.

00:02:52.660 | So one of the things I've said at The Village on repeat

00:02:56.420 | is nothing good has ever come out of,

00:03:00.180 | hey, let's watch a movie at my apartment

00:03:02.860 | starting at 11 o'clock at night.

00:03:05.180 | Cuddling on the couch watching a movie from 11 to one

00:03:08.140 | has never ended in a discussion about cinematography

00:03:11.420 | in the history of the ability to watch a movie on the couch.

00:03:14.740 | And so to put yourself in that position to begin with

00:03:18.140 | is a foolish one.

00:03:19.500 | And so really what works is being in public,

00:03:24.100 | guarding space alone, not putting yourself in situation.

00:03:27.460 | I think that singles have a tendency

00:03:30.180 | to think more highly of their self-control than they should.

00:03:33.560 | And so I just think dating in groups or dating,

00:03:38.500 | just being in public is important.

00:03:40.980 | And we see that in the song.

00:03:43.500 | And so I bring this up in the song of song

00:03:45.500 | that you've got this growing desire

00:03:48.380 | to physically be intimate.

00:03:50.300 | And yet she describes their dates

00:03:52.800 | as being under this canopy of leaves

00:03:56.460 | and on this rug of grass.

00:03:59.140 | They're outside, they're at a park, they're in a forest,

00:04:02.140 | they're somewhere that's in the public eye

00:04:04.620 | because they've got this growing passion

00:04:08.100 | to physically be intimate.

00:04:10.260 | And yet it's clear that they don't wanna awaken love

00:04:13.660 | before it's time.

00:04:14.660 | And so they've positioned themselves publicly

00:04:17.520 | so as to not give themselves over to their lusts.

00:04:21.020 | - That's very wise and practical.

00:04:23.400 | Thank you, Matt.

00:04:24.260 | And tomorrow we will look at question number eight and nine

00:04:26.660 | on the list and talk about signs that maybe a single

00:04:29.260 | is just not ready to be dating.

00:04:32.020 | I'm your host Tony Reinke.

00:04:33.020 | Thanks for listening to the Ask Pastor John podcast.

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Should a Boyfriend “Lead” His Girlfriend?

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