Simple Tool to Prevent Relapse in Recovery | Ryan Soave & Dr. Andrew Huberman

00:00:00.000 | I think recovery is, it's not about finding a, let's just use the word peace. It's not about

00:00:06.700 | finding a sense of peace that you stay in. You know, balance is not, I'm on both feet standing

00:00:12.480 | still. Balance is like, like this, right? And as we're taking risks in life, as we should

00:00:17.320 | to really build awesome lives, sometimes we're going to feel way off kilter, but with the

00:00:22.820 | recovery process to be able to recognize when I'm out of balance sooner or out of peace sooner and

00:00:27.720 | return to it quicker, recover again and again, you know, and have the tools to know, you know,

00:00:35.040 | what are the emotional conditions that I might be facing on every day? And what, what, what am I

00:00:41.240 | made of up and who am I that might bring to that? So for instance, something I give to a lot of my

00:00:48.100 | clients is we call it like the emotional weather forecast. You know, when the first part of this

00:00:56.680 | is they've got to really know themselves. And that's something that we see in 12 step a lot,

00:00:59.360 | although we hear if, if, you know, people identify their character defects, not everybody I know is

00:01:04.320 | familiar with 12 step, but that's one of the, but as part of identifying your defects, you're also

00:01:09.060 | identifying your virtues, right? Just like a balance sheet. You want to know your liabilities

00:01:13.400 | and your assets. And sometimes those things are, sometimes they, they, they change. And if something

00:01:21.400 | that's a liability in this situation might be an asset in this situation, right? Like if

00:01:27.300 | uncontrolled anger and violence in my home, when my kids do something wrong and I'm not doing this,

00:01:35.240 | but it is, is a liability, you know, if my family's attacked, it's an asset, right? So understanding what

00:01:43.160 | these defects and virtue or assets and liabilities are so that I really know myself. And, and, and that

00:01:51.140 | can be through a process of, of, of sharing with others. And in the 12 step, that's how they do it.

00:01:55.160 | We do it in therapy all of the time to kind of know who I am. You know, actually one of, there's a line in

00:02:00.740 | one of the AA literature that Bill Wilson wrote and he gives a definition of humility and it goes

00:02:07.820 | something like this, that humility is an honest recognition of who and what we've become followed

00:02:13.980 | by a deep desire to become who we can be. And it's not about like that. I'm all bad. It's just to note it,

00:02:20.980 | to, to, to recognize who I am. If I don't know where I'm starting, I can't know, just like finding

00:02:27.460 | directions. If I asked, you know, to get directions to the studio and your team started giving me

00:02:32.660 | directions from, uh, uh, over the Canyon, but I was, you know, South of here, they're going to give me

00:02:42.200 | the directions to turn left on this road and right on this. And I'm going to, I'm not going to know how

00:02:45.080 | to get there. I'm not, I'm going to be disoriented. I'm going to feel lost. I got to, it starts with

00:02:49.580 | really knowing where I am, who, and who, and what I am. And from there, then we can start to build a

00:02:54.480 | life. So one of the things I give people a lot is once they kind of understand these assets and,

00:02:59.620 | and, and liabilities of theirs, you know, to, to look at each day ahead and say, you know,

00:03:05.860 | first we start off with gratitude, you know, it kind of gives a mindset and gratitude just isn't

00:03:10.940 | about being thankful for things. I really believe gratitude is meeting what is, as it is, you know,

00:03:17.200 | that, uh, I always, when I give people this and when I practice it myself, I try at least to be

00:03:22.820 | one of the things I'm grateful for to be something that I'm challenged by. And not just to say,

00:03:27.520 | I'm going to learn a lesson from this, but I might not know what that is, but to really express

00:03:32.420 | gratitude for some challenge I'm, I'm, I'm having. So that's kind of a mindset. And then the next thing

00:03:37.920 | is just laying out your plans for the day and, and not like a detailed calendar, but like, you know,

00:03:42.880 | I'm going to wait, you know, take the kids to school, go to work, travel, you know, have a business

00:03:48.820 | dinner tonight. Right. And then, so I kind of know what's happening that day. And then from there,

00:03:55.300 | look at what are my, what's my emotional state currently? What am I experiencing now? Especially

00:04:00.440 | if it's like fears, resentments, anger, guilt, shame, it could be something else. It could just

00:04:05.000 | be like, I'm feeling, I feel really solid today. But when I can take the, what's going to happen today

00:04:12.200 | and what I'm already experiencing, I can look at what I'm doing today and think, you know, there are

00:04:16.760 | some character liabilities or defects that might come up. Like if I have to travel today and I've

00:04:22.240 | got to take three flights instead of one, I can know that if I know myself, I might say I could, I have

00:04:26.680 | the ability to become impatient, controlling, and, and look at my day to say, almost predict what are the

00:04:35.180 | emotional disturbances that can, that can happen that day. And then coupled with the state that I'm in,

00:04:41.240 | if I'm already upset about something else, I've got a higher likelihood of going into these

00:04:45.820 | reactive patterns that I don't necessarily want to go into. And so, you know, much like going on a trip

00:04:52.340 | where I would look and see what the weather's going to be, you know, if it's going to be,

00:04:55.780 | looks like it's going to be rainy the whole time I'm there, I'm going to pack a raincoat. Now that

00:04:58.940 | doesn't mean I'm not going to get wet, but once I start getting wet, I can go get my raincoat and put it

00:05:06.160 | on. Same thing in this, you know, the last part of it is to look for what I'm going to watch for

00:05:11.640 | because of my plans and my emotional state. Now I know that I have to watch for being like maybe short

00:05:18.360 | or controlling. I want to watch for these character defects or liabilities. And then what do I want to

00:05:23.920 | strive for? I'm going to strive for being patient, tolerant, kind. Now, just because I write this down,

00:05:30.380 | just like the rain jacket doesn't mean I'm not going to experience these things. But when I can

00:05:34.260 | look at like a day as an example, I can break it down and in a chunk where, you know, I'm not going

00:05:41.780 | to be shocked by I'm being impatient. And as soon as I get impatient, I can remember, oh, this is what

00:05:47.380 | I'm looking, this is what I want to watch out for today. What do I need to, and I wanted to strive

00:05:51.480 | for being tolerant and patient. So then I can, you know, use one of the tools that I might have that

00:05:57.020 | I've laid out. You know, it might just be, if I'm in the airport, walk away, take a breath,

00:06:01.320 | you know, and, and recognize and remind myself, this is what I'm striving for today. And in this

00:06:07.160 | exercise, we're putting out in front of us, what we might be experiencing based on what we know about

00:06:14.800 | ourselves and what we've learned about ourselves. And when we can do that, we, you know, we can start

00:06:20.160 | living each day a little bit better, or at least I find this with my clients that they can chunk it down

00:06:26.600 | and say, you know, they're not surprised by these emotional reactions. And, and, and, you know,

00:06:32.080 | like I said earlier, we, we want to help people. I try to help people learn how to feel bad,

00:06:36.100 | you know, to, to recognize that, okay, I'm feeling disturbed. I'm in a reaction. Let me lean into it

00:06:43.660 | rather than run away from it. And we run away from it in different ways. I mean, snapping at the lady

00:06:47.460 | at the counter or, you know, might be someone that now I just totally withdraw and don't say anything.

00:06:54.900 | Yeah. Numbing out is very common nowadays. Yeah. I just want to repeat these different

00:06:59.760 | categories. A small list of gratitudes, including perhaps some things that we're grateful that

00:07:08.320 | challenge us or things that we've received or whatever it happens to be a quick list of gratitudes,

00:07:13.020 | plan for the day, what the internal emotional weather is, like, how am I feeling? Irritated,

00:07:18.740 | rested, whatever. It could be three or four things, what to watch for and what to strive for. I do think

00:07:24.060 | it's an extremely useful, obviously zero cost, minimal, minimal time investment protocol for lack

00:07:30.860 | of a better word that everyone, not just people who struggle with addiction, but everyone can benefit

00:07:38.340 | from because I think we, we tend to be so conscious of like what to look for, what to strive for coming

00:07:47.820 | out of a morning journaling or a great night's sleep. But then, you know, it's amazing how by three,

00:07:51.800 | 3 p.m. somebody cuts us off in traffic or, you know, or we're being bombarded with too many things and all

00:07:57.640 | of a sudden we're, we're not necessarily unpeeled, but we're not our, our, our best self. Do you think

00:08:02.480 | there's value in sharing your list with somebody else?

00:08:04.380 | Connection with others is so important, especially when I share something like this, that's vulnerable

00:08:10.920 | with them because it's not just about holding me accountable, but now, now I'm, I'm, I'm expressing

00:08:16.920 | it in a way that others see it and we can have communication with them about, you know, having

00:08:23.500 | them share it back with you too. I have like 10 guys that I share this with every day, you know, and not

00:08:28.180 | that the way that I do things is the way that everybody should, but I ask other people that I give

00:08:31.720 | this to, to share it because, you know, you're, you're now expressing it and expressing something

00:08:40.100 | kind of brings it more into existence than if I'm just doing it myself internally. And we've got to

00:08:45.360 | put these things in front of us because we will forget very quickly, you know, or you, like you said,

00:08:51.060 | coming out of a morning journaling or meditation session feels great.

00:08:53.720 | I think most people decide to make a change and then, you know, on one day, and then they don't

00:08:59.020 | think about it again in the way that they thought about it for months. Like it happens every year on

00:09:04.420 | New Year's. They're not putting it out in front of them every day to be a reminder of what I'm going

00:09:10.480 | after, what's important to me.

00:09:11.800 | Thank you.

00:09:18.800 | you

Simple Tool to Prevent Relapse in Recovery | Ryan Soave & Dr. Andrew Huberman

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