Good morning, Erins who believed. I attended Sunday school, Friday night Bible studies, church outings, any event that was church related, I was there. Sometimes I attended out of a desire to see my friends and sometimes out of a grumbling obedience to my parents. In church, I was a big people pleaser.

I knew the right answers to questions, knew how to construct a rhetorically sound prayer, knew how to feign vulnerability. And over time, I began equating my attendance and participation with being a Christian and ultimately my salvation. I was baptized before in seventh grade, but not as a believer. I got baptized because everybody else was doing it.

I got baptized because I wanted to try crackers and grape juice. I had no concept of my hell bound fate, the gospel, and proclaiming Jesus as my savior and my Lord. As such, there's no change in my faith or relationship with the Holy God. During high school, I grew more in my knowledge about God and the gospel.

During a Christmas youth gathering sophomore year of high school, God softened my heart and showed me my sin and need for him. I remember being so moved, even in tears, but instead of seeking God afterwards, my yearning for God was tainted by the pursuit of emotion. Over time, I started to see my sin and need for God in my junior and senior year and was so thankful that Jesus died for my sins.

I was moved to emotion, but never to lay down my life. I started to lead worship for the youth group, went to prayer meetings, led some Bible studies. Ironically, when leading these Bible studies, I did not study the Bible on my own, but watched YouTube sermons on the same passage and regurgitated whatever the pastor said.

Unknowingly, my faith was superficial, based on spiritual highs, sure lived emotions, and convictions of other Christians. I became familiar with Jesus as savior, but disregarded his lordship. I thought I placed Jesus as lord over my life, but in reality, I surrendered when it was convenient to surrender, I obeyed when it was easy to obey.

I found myself justifying my decision to choose myself and my idols with moments when I surrendered in the past. I was trying to patch up my insecurities and compensate my lack of a genuine faith with external works. I wanted to prove to others, to myself, and to God that I was mature in my faith, that I deserved salvation.

When I came to Berean this past August, Pastor Nate talked about Matthew 7, 22 to 23. "Lord, Lord, do we not prophesy in your name and in your name cast out demons and in your name perform many miracles?" And the Lord says, "I never knew you. Depart from me." To me, the scariest two verses in the Bible.

I was always aware of this passage, but because of my pride, I overlooked it, thinking it was reserved for hypocrites, people who acted a certain way at church, but a different way the rest of the week. I didn't think it was talking about me, someone who led worship, someone who went on mission trips, someone who helped with VBS, or someone who was doing a Bible in a year reading plan.

But it was. God cut my heart with his word and showed the prideful ground I stood on. During the past few months, I've continually wrestled and reflected on my Christian life. I feared going to hell and was ashamed because everything I did in the past, the worship, the mission trips, the blemish service, robbed God of his glory, and was polluted by selfish motives.

The chasm between a sinful man and a holy God became uncomfortably clear to me. Ephesians 2 says, "And you were dead in your trespasses and sins." And Romans 3.23 says, "For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." These verses rang in my head as I wrestled.

However, at the same time God revealed his holiness in my sinfulness, God illuminated his son Jesus in what he did. The mercy and grace of God through Jesus was the only way I could be redeemed. Only Jesus could bridge the impossible divide between man and God. First Peter 1.18-19 says, "Knowing that you were not redeemed with perishable things like silver or gold from your futile way of life, inherited from your forefathers, but with precious blood as of a lamb, unblemished and spotless, the blood of Christ." It is the work of Jesus and his purchase with his blood that washes my sins.

And through his resurrection, I'm alive again with a life that is not my own. Jesus bought my life and is rightfully Lord of it. I'm still learning to let go of certain areas of my life to and for Christ and his kingdom, but I'm confident in the cross. Not in my own merit or resolve, but solely in the ultimate display of unceasing and undeserved love in Christ's crucifixion.

Thank you. 1