BFM Retreat 2017 - Session 1

>> Here it is. >> >> But yeah, I'm just so excited to be here, to be with you guys. You guys actually asked me back again, so that's cool. I didn't flop it too bad last time. >> >> So that's encouraging to me. But yeah, myself and just Pastor Peter, just over the years, we've just been able to grow a relationship and partnership and ministry over the years.

And just to watch this man's faithfulness, along with his wife and their children, and just his commitment to you guys as a pastor and a shepherd, has been a wonderful example for me as a pastor and a shepherd. To see somebody that really loves their flock, and they love you guys.

And I'm sure you guys know that far beyond what even I could even understand. You just walked with him and his family for years. So for me to be able to come up here and exhort this body, for him to entrust me with you guys just means a lot.

There's a gravity there for me. As well as just myself, so many personal connections for me over the years. It's been years, decades, some of you guys have been over a decade now at this point. So I'm just happy to be here. When Pastor Peter asked me to come and speak on marriage, I just thought, man, I don't know if you want me to do that.

And one of the reasons why is because you guys are so well taught. And it is always intimidating for me because I'm just thinking, man, I don't know what else I can really say that probably your leadership hasn't already taught you. So I'm just bringing you some crumbs, that's all.

And I'm just praying that God take those live loaves and two fish and just feed you guys in a way that I, in my own strength and power, just couldn't. I appreciate all you guys' prayers. I know you guys have been praying for me. And I've felt that, I've experienced that in very tangible and clear ways, by the grace of God.

And I needed it. This has been a real hard time and a hard season of life and ministry for me personally. Our church is going through a whole church move, and we're trying to figure all that stuff out. Along with some major transitions, namely, I know this is going to college in the fall, so I'm trying to let go.

This is my baby girl, and she's not my baby girl anymore. She's a woman now, and I'm like, man, that doesn't make sense. And I'm gonna be up at the campus checking all these fellas out. Like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll be working out, all that stuff. So, man, so anyway, yeah, I just really appreciate all you guys.

And thank you for just the warm welcome, for taking care of me. All of the snacks that you guys got me, and James and Valerie, you guys have just been wonderful. I love y'all, for taking care of Pastor Ray. And I sent you guys probably like, we had like 20 emails, over 30 emails going back and forth.

And you guys just did such a wonderful job, Jen, and the way you guys packed the room, the way you took care of all the slots, everything that I needed, all the help, there's probably background individuals that were involved that I just don't know. I just want you guys to know that I feel cared for and loved, and that just means the world to me.

And so I just wanna thank you guys for that. I had you guys do a survey, and I'm just gonna try to sum up some of the surveys. I got 83 responses, which was good. And after being married now for almost, actually, it's 19 years, I think it's gonna be 19 in August, I think at this point.

And just really trying to ask myself, why did I get married then? And trying to see what you guys would say as a result. I got some good ones. I got to have his babies, and that was a good one. >> >> Fulfill my desire to be married was another, summing it up, having children.

I don't wanna be alone. I fell in love and put a ring on it. >> >> Some of you guys said it was just the next steps. I couldn't imagine my life without her or without him. I have, this one person said, I have strong passions and I couldn't survive.

It's it. >> >> I'm feeling it all, and I got you. That's okay, that's a good one. >> >> All right. One person said, double income, just kidding. >> >> Those of you said things, again, very, very good, raising up the next generation. I need him. Couldn't live without him.

He earns our keep. I like that one too. Leadership, protection, guidance. She made me a better man. I got married to be sanctified. It was God's providence. He just brought us together for security, comfort. One interviewer said to avoid the commute. I'm liking that too. >> >> Save gas money, I know that's right.

Serve God better together. Others said it was just the natural thing to do. One said, I wanted him to be mine all the time. Some great, great responses, and I enjoyed reading all of those. Thank you guys. It kind of reminds me of Tom Cruise in a movie where, I forgot, whatever that movie was, where he was an agent.

Jerry Maguire, that was it, that's it. And he says this toward the end, and this is the climactic, romantic, right? All the music starts playing or whatever, and he says, we live in a cynical world. We have tough competitors. And then he pauses, right? And then you just wait for that line, right?

And you crash and he says, I love you, cuz you complete me. And then he starts to talk again and she says, no, no, no, no, no, don't say any word. You, can you, what did she say, something like you had me at, hello. Right, right, all right, yeah, yeah, yeah, I see you.

>> >> All right. Now as I had you guys do that survey, even as we look at that example from Jerry Maguire, companionship, convenience, providence, to be sanctified, to serve God better. I couldn't live without him, to avoid the commute. These are all things, and a lot of these things are good things.

But in some ways, many of them are very man-centered in their perspectives. They look in some ways to the individual, if you will, for a certain need or a desire to be met. Whether that be relational intimacy or some level of wholeness. And we as believers can fall into this concept or perspective when it comes to our spouses and when it comes to marriage.

But the question becomes is, we do these things, but what happens when discontent begins to arise in these areas? What happens when all of a sudden he's not earning his keep or his leadership and his protection or his guidance isn't what you want it to be? Before you got me, she was just such a wonderful individual, and now she just nags all the time, and she gets on my nerves.

What if actually you actually want to commute instead of avoiding the commute? >> >> What about those strong passions? And all of a sudden it's just like, man, I don't even want you touching me anymore. When the companion lying next to you feels like an enemy, what happens when the honeyed list begins to infringe upon your convenience?

I don't know how that is, man, you got anybody got honeyed list up here? >> >> When the feeling of romance fades, what happens when you feel like instead of this person completing you, you begin to see how incomplete they really are, and you want to start to ask yourself sometimes, what have I done?

I've been married for 19 years, and at times I've asked myself, what have I done to my wife more than me, clearly? >> >> Keller says this, and I thought it was very poignant about marriage. He says, it is an indescribable joy coupled with blood, sweat, and tears, humbling defeats, and exhausting victories.

When I first got married, my wife had a list, and she took this list and said, when I find a man that can complete this list, I'll marry you. And I was that man, every single one of those things on that list. And then, after a couple years, she just started checking stuff off that list, like, no, no, no.

>> >> And then we found ourselves in a place where we said, man, what now is going to sustain us? And not only sustain us, but allow us to flourish in a lot of these new realities. See, some of you have been there. Some of you maybe are there now.

And if not, there will be a season, I guarantee, where you will have challenges and troubles that will cause for you to experience question marks, discontent, unsettledness. You see, the reason I had you do that survey is because the why you got married, your why, it matters. Because your why is your anchor.

And if it's based on things that can be here today and gone tomorrow, if your why is based on things that can shift, then ultimately, you will find yourself in situations within your marriage that ultimately are based on things that will cause you also to shift. So if it's anchored in something beyond what is man-centered, whether that be avoiding the commute, strong passions, his sanctification, her submission, his leadership, whatever those things may be, then you will ultimately be able to go the extra mile and flourish in your relationship.

So here's my question. What is marriage in light of eternity? What will enable you to go the extra mile, marriage in light of eternity, stronger than the last? I'm going to give you a why today that ultimately will anchor you. That's my objective. A why that will anchor you.

And it's a passage that most of you are Christians, you've been in the church, you're familiar with. But sometimes familiarity can cause us to not see and gain what God wants us to gain in it. So as we go to this, don't allow for the familiar to distract you from what really God's wanted to say.

Because I want you to anchor this in your why. This has to be your new why according to God's standard. So I'm going to just kind of give a little overview here. The first two sessions, I'm going to be giving a vertical perspective, vertical perspective on your marriage, okay?

Meaning one where you're looking up into heaven and gaining a vision from God. And then the last two sessions are going to be a horizontal perspective. Now, there's going to be intermingled with vertical and horizontal, but that's just kind of how where it's... What does it look like between the two of you within marriage?

So if you will, please turn with me to Ephesians chapter 5. Ephesians chapter 5, the classic passage on marriage. Ephesians chapter 5, starting at verse 22, and let's go through the Lord in prayer. God, the why matters. The why matters more profoundly, God, than we even know. And so God, Holy Spirit, I just pray right now that you would communicate what truly matters most to you in our marriages.

And that God, as and when we see it, that it would anchor us. That it would anchor us in a way, God, that will allow for us to go the extra mile, to go, Lord God, long-term, and to do it, Lord God, with indescribable joy. So God, Holy Spirit, will you please come and be with us now?

Help us to see and comprehend and be transformed by the wonder. And help me, Lord God, as your voice, to be faithful to your voice. I pray this in Jesus' name. Amen. Ephesians chapter 5. Ephesians 5, starting at verse 22. Now, let me give you a preview for my message, and I have a lot to say.

I'm really going to try to keep this down, but you guys are bringing it. And so because I know y'all, you guys have been exercised and you have that stamina. And so I'm going to try my best to keep this as manageable as possible, but I have a lot here.

So we just go through it. You guys ready? So as John Parker would say, "Gird up your loins." All right. All right, Ephesians 5. First, we're going to talk about the nature of your roles, the nature of a wife's role, according to God, and the nature of a husband's role, according to God.

Then, secondarily, we're going to look at the nature of the marital relationship in general. What is the nature of it, according to God, when it comes to your relationship in general? And then we're going to see how the roles and the relationship come into view in light of eternity.

And then, finally, we're going to see what is the outcome of us living out our roles in our relationship. Okay? So that's just an overview. So first, let's see the nature of your role. And we'll start with you, wives. Ladies first. Verse 22. Wives, "Submit to your own husbands as to the Lord.

For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior." Now, as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. Jason, do you have that joke? That, the kayastic?

Yeah, yes, the AABD. Yeah, you want to get that for me? Okay. Now, what was very profound for me as I looked at this passage is the way that it is constructed. And it's called, what's called a kayasm, a kayasmic, if you will, structure. And it emphasizes some things as we're going to take a look at it.

"Wives, submit to your own husbands," verse 22, "as to the Lord." Okay? And that's our, what's called A. Okay? And then, "For the husband is the head," okay? "As to the Lord" is the B. And then the C is, "For the husband is the head, even as the wife," and then C, "Christ is the head of the church," B, "Now is the church submits to Christ," and then A.

So we'll see that all up at once. And so if you could imagine it and see it, Paul structures this in a particular way for a reason. He starts out by saying, "Wives, submit to your own husbands." So that is his central theme. That's what he wants to land and communicate.

And then he brings it in and he describes what that looks like, "As to the Lord," and there's your B. And then he goes in even further to describe the connection, "As to the Lord, for you as husband is the head of the wife." So then he connects it to Christ, and then he does another Christ connection right after, "Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its savior." So he brings a Christ parallel, and then he jumps back out slightly to parallel it now with, "Now as," because it was a description of how you're supposed to submit, "Now as the church submits to Christ," and then he lands it at the very end with, "Wives should submit in everything to their husbands." And he ends it with the very thing that he started it off from the beginning.

Now, this exhortation, the reason why I show you this structure is because this exhortation is clearly very important to Paul. For one, he begins the passage with it. Number two, he repeats it. A, you see it in A, and then you see it at the very end in A, starting in verse 22, and he ends it in verse 24.

And then he summarizes the passage from verse 22 all the way down to verse 33 with the same idea as you'll see in verse 33. He then says, "However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she was never a dear." I think it's me in verse 33.

Respects, so he redefines it again as he ends the whole passage. This is waiting for Paul. The reason he structured it that way, the reason he ends with it, is because your role as a wife in submission is waiting, and we're going to get to the waitingness. But I want you to notice something.

Notice the stress that Paul didn't choose the word "obey." You know, you wives are like, "I remember the husbands are like, 'Man, I wish she would have put obey in there because she don't obey me. She don't... Nothing I say.'" No, he didn't put obey. The Bible does say obey your leaders though, so amen.

The passage might not be that way. Submission here, it means to choose to yield to another's will. And when he has submit in verse 22 and in verse 24, it's in the same voice in the Greek. It's in the middle voice. And what it basically means is it's implying a voluntary choice.

So it's not an obligatory duty-bound kind of responsibility. It's one where you voluntarily as a woman, because you're first, submitting yourself to God because God said it. As a result, then you're going to submit yourself to your husband and yield, if you will, to his will. Now, the will of what?

Well, verse 23. Verse 23 says, "For the husband is the..." What's that word, everyone? Hey, talk to me. Talk to me, come on. What's that word? "Head." So submission basically elicits from you guys as wives a recognition that your husband is the leader in the household. And where you, verse 24, where you, it says, "Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit," one of those two words, "in everything." So it's voluntary, middle voice, and "in everything" is indicating that this should be the normal disposition of a wife toward her husband.

Where you're not holding back certain areas, where you're trying to maintain and hold control. And then Paul redefines it and gives a little more clarity by saying that submission at the bottom is an attitude and a demeanor of respect. Respect, verse 33. Verse 33. You guys know that song, "Respect"?

All right? You guys know that song? You're clapping. You guys want to sing it? You guys want to sing it? All right. All right. So you guys over here, you're going to be R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Okay? All right? You're going to sing, "Find out what it means to me." Okay? Then you're going to be R-E-S-P-E-C-T.

Okay? And then, you all are going to do "succotilly." And then you all are going to do "respectively." All right, can we do it? Can we do it? Let's go. All right. Number nine. Here we go. Five, six, seven, eight. R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Find out what it means to me. R-E-S-P-E-C-T.

Do the "succotilly." Succotilly. Succotilly. Succotilly. Succotilly. Succotilly. Succotilly. Succotilly. Succotilly. Respect. Just a little bit of respect. Just a little bit of respect. Succotilly. Succotilly. Succotilly. Succotilly. Succotilly. Succotilly. Succotilly. Succotilly. Respect. Just a little bit of respect. Okay. All right. Now I can really do it. Give me another hand clap.

All right. That's what I'm talking about. All right. All right. So, if you're not already taking notes, I want you to take notes. Okay? Because this weekend, women, I need you to ask yourself this question. Okay? All my wives in the room. In what ways, in your relationship presently, and even when you guys get into small groups, you ask to discuss this, this can be some of your discussion questions.

In what ways are you lacking in submissive respect? Is there a particular situation right now that you can identify in your relationship where you know in your heart or in your actions where there's not a demeanor of submissive respect that you're exhibiting? Maybe you're in a season presently where you're just really struggling with submitting and respecting your husband in his leadership or in some area.

Maybe God is calling you right now to an area where you know he's been saying, you got to respect him more here. You got to submit right here. I want you to begin to think about and identify that. Maybe to make it even more clear, ask yourselves this wise.

Are you providing encouragement, support, and input to your husband's initiatives to give vision and direction to the family? Are you resisting the temptation to take control? Maybe there's an area where you just, ah, because I want to control this. I really don't want to submit in this area or respect in this area.

Is there an area maybe where you're just undermining his leadership by complaining, griping, nagging? Maybe the Lord is just trying to, ah. Or maybe there's an area maybe where you're not aligning yourself around some of the values. Maybe like spending habits. All right? Yes. My wife sometimes I wonder, honey, what's that that you're spending money on?

We didn't talk about that. Amazon? We're going to have to shut Amazon down. OK? You see, I just want you to ask yourself, Lord, where do I need to be more submissive and respectful? And the reason why I'm saying this is because when I get to the end of this message, I'll see how weighty this is.

How critical it is that you as wives fight to play this role for your husbands. Respect. This is what it does for a man. Submissive respect expresses to your husband that you trust him. Now, this may be an area where some of you may be struggling. Maybe there's an area, wives, where you need to address your husband to say, you know what?

The reason why I'm having a hard time submitting here or respecting you here is because there's a lack of trust. I remember early on in our marriage, that was an area for us, is that I had fallen into some areas that had caused my wife to say, I just can't trust you.

And as a result, I'm losing respect for you. And so, men, that may be a thing that you need to do as far as hearing your wives and talking through and about that. Here's something else that respect does for a man. It reduces his fear of failure and of being inadequate.

The number one thing that we as men do not want to be is a failure. Can you identify with that, men? That drives us. That drives us. And our greatest fear is to be a failure. And that goes in with my next point. Respect is demonstrated by you as wives when it comes to your husband when you are his greatest cheerleader, when you are his greatest cheerleader.

When, you know, you can look at Valerie, but you can look at your boy and say, James, give me a J. James, I got you. James, I got you. I got you. I got you. Thank you. I'll give you anything. You got it. Right? Be the biggest cheerleader. I did it the black way.

That's how black cheerleaders do it. For us to know, ladies, that our wives are cheering us on, saying, I got your back. There's nothing more profound and encouraging for us. And there's something else that that does for us. It allows for us to move into-- or it moves us away from passivity as men.

When you cheerlead us-- I began coming to this retreat. As I said, I had a whole lot I'm trying to prepare, all this time. And I was out really, really late. And I was just so overwhelmed with all this stuff I had to prepare and getting ready for the retreat.

And I came into the house, and my wife just-- she looked at me and said, you know what? You got this. You can do this. And I got your back. I'm about to tear up right now, because it's just like-- that just infused life into me. Like, you know what?

OK, I got three more sermons to go in two days, but we got this. She was my greatest cheerleader. Respect acknowledges the leadership, and it discourages passivity. I was talking to somebody at church last week, and I heard my wife talking to one of our members. And she just-- she told one of our members, you know, I just really appreciate my husband, because he's been taking time with my third daughter, Trinity, and just really kind of speaking some life into her and doing some mentoring with her and what have you.

And just that respect of the little bit of leadership that I was demonstrating there caused me to say, hey, I'm going to do this more. I'm going to do this. I'm going to move past passivity. I'm going to be more proactive in my leadership, because of that submissive attitude and respect that my wife was demonstrating.

So again, I want you to ask your-- and here's another question for you ladies. I want you to ask your husband this this weekend. Honey, in what way can I respect you more? Just give me one. Not a whole lot, just one. In what way can I submit and respect you more?

And make it a safe place for him to answer. OK? Don't, when he says it, be like, well, you know, I've lost your woman before. Respecting you now, you're a stoner. All right, because we tiptoe sometimes. We do be like, I don't know if I want to go under your hand.

I'm like, stoner. OK, so make it safe. OK, this is a major why with respect to women, why you should be married. All the things that you women wrote were wonderful and great, and they weren't wrong. But what I just identified to you in Scripture should be the very foundation and the anchor of why you're married.

And it is specific to you. No one else can do it but you. OK? Now let's get to the fellows, men. We start at verse 25. And basically, Paul talks about men from verse 25 all the way to the very end of verse 33. So that already tells you that y'all got to wait.

That's a little bit way in your wives. All right, he took four, three verses, 22, 23, 24, on the women. And then he took the rest on us. So we got a lot here. What is the nature, then, of the husband's role? Verse 25, he first starts out. Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself.

Everybody say gave himself. Gave himself. Up for her. First, what he tells us as men is that our role is to the extent that we seek Christ's love for the church, we are then to give up ourselves the way he did. The love in verse 25 is in the present imperative, which indicates that this should be a regular, constant disposition of love, constantly loving on your wife.

And then in verse 26 and 27, he gives what's called a Christological aside. Before when I read this passage, there was an insight for me. These are the things that we aren't necessarily called to do as men. Paul in this passage really using marriage to do something a lot bigger.

And he's really pointing and drawing us to Christ. So verse 26, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word so that he might present the church to himself as splendid without spire wrinkle or any such thing that she might be holy without blemish.

Y'all can do that. And men, you can't even do that. OK, that's something that's set aside for Christ himself. And so what he's using that is a parallel to marriage to say, go in depth as to the value and the beauty and the magnificence of just how much Christ has given himself up for his church and how much he bleeds all of the beauty of his power and might and holiness and love into the church.

OK, so there's a Christological aside. So verse 25 applies to us as men. And after the Christological aside, he then goes back to me as he parallels Christ. It says, first, 28 in the same way, husbands should love their wives. There is again. And now he describes it. Well, how am I supposed to love her?

How am I supposed to give myself up for her? And what does it say? Where am I? There is as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. My son years ago, he's 16 now, 17 next month. But when he was probably nine, eight or nine, he asked me to drive to church and we were talking about love.

And he said, Dad, is it possible for me to love myself like, oh, I just love me. I just love you. Start rubbing on yourself. Like, what? But as I kind of contemplated, I said, well, that's actually kind of theologically sound. Because, yes, there is a way you can do that.

And the way you do that is 29 for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it just as Christ does the church. So what does it look like, men, for you to love yourself? The way you love yourself is by loving your wife, by nourishing and cherishing her.

This first go with nourish the Paul challenge has been here to nourish their wives. He uses a very unique word and is only found in one other place in the entire New Testament. You know where that is? It's the next chapter, chapter six, where it talks about fathers don't exasperate your son's children, but bring them up.

It's the same Greek word nourish and bring them up in the abomination of the Lord. Chapter six, verse four. It's the same word. The old Puritan preachers knew this well. They were reminded that failure to provide the physical needs of their families made them worse than pagans. First Timothy five, eight.

But what good does it says the Puritans? They would ask if you work diligently to satisfy their material and physical needs in this life and take no regard for their souls, which will live for. He said, I will not be able to satisfy their needs. I will not be able to satisfy their needs.

I will not be able to satisfy their needs. And what I do know is that the Lord is not going to take you out of your house. He's not going to take you out of your house. He's going to take you out of your house. He's going to take you out of your house.

He's going to take you out of your house. He's going to take you out of your house. He's going to take you out of your house. He's going to take you out of your house. He's going to take you out of your house. He's going to take you out of your house.

You're the man. You're the man, dude. You and your wife are the bomb. Man. And here's what I'm saying. And then I looked at the age, the demographics. You ever did those demographics of 6.5 years is the average that everybody in Romania has been married. I was like, 6.5 years?

That's what I'm talking about, man. And then the children. You guys have a lot of young children. Start doing this now. Set aside a time every day where you guys pray and you can start. Infants, go in there, make it a habit, a discipline. Honey, we're going to be by the crib and every single day by the crib we're going to pray and we're going to say memory verses over that baby.

Start that now. Those of you who have no kids, don't just go into the evening just chilling, watching TV, what have you. No. Start that habit now. Okay, honey, it's 8.30, it's we time. We're going to come together, get in the Word, get in prayer, get in the rise, boom.

Get it done in 15 minutes. Get it done in 30 minutes. But make it a habit now. Okay? That's what it looks like in so many ways for us has been to nourish. The other thing that He calls us to do is to cherish. Verse 29, "For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it." Here we have the idea of providing heat, men.

It's youth of a mother bird actually brooding over her nest. And here again, Paul uses a very unique word that he only uses one of the time in the New Testament and he uses it in the first lecture of Thessalonians. And there he reminds his readers that he and his fellow missionaries have "proved to be gentle among you as a nursing mother tenderly cares." That's the same word there.

Tenderly cares, cherishes for her own children. So you're supposed to care for your wives tenderly, men. That's what it looks like for you to love your wife, to give yourself up for her. And Dr. Egbert in his book Love and Respect, he kind of helped me to understand what it looks like to cherish my wife.

But before I go on there, again I think I said it before fellas, all those things that I outlined to you as far as what we try to do with our family, what have you, it's a mess. I eat all that in a bag of chips. It's all over the place.

Sometimes we go one week, two weeks, three weeks. Wife is looking at me like "Man, we've said that for a month." That's just the reality. So I need to make sure that y'all don't think "Oh man, Pastor Craig, this movement, I'm never gonna know." But the point that I'm making is this, and this is what my wife said to me "But at least you're taking initiative, honey.

At least I know that when we are off, that you're trying to come back to me." We may have been off the tracks for a while but we jumping back on, okay? So I need you guys to hear that. So wives, be patient with him. Okay? It's not going to be, you're going to be looking at him like "Pastor Craig, we're doing what it was warranted to do." Alright, so be up for it.

Alright. Okay. Alright. Now here's what it looks like to cherish your wife, and this helped me. One, C. Closeness. Men, closeness. Women, they want to know, they want to be close to you. She wants to know that you want to be close. And I learned this the hard way when I first got married.

For some years. We used to watch movies together. And when we were dating, we loved, enjoyed watching movies together. And, you know, it didn't seem like, I don't know why it didn't seem like we spent time together whenever we got to the movies and it was good. When we got married, and we started spending time together watching movies, why is it that an hour and a half movie would take five hours to get through?

Or why would we just only get through like half of the movie? The reason why was because when I'm sitting there, we watch a movie, click play, and then like five minutes in, she'll click pause, and then start talking to me about something. And so we... Okay, we're ready to get it.

We're ready to get it. Play. Push and play, okay? And then 30 seconds, pause. What? What do you want? We gotta get through the movie. The point is to finish the movie. That's not the point for the women. See, that's the thing. We charge heels, right? We conquer. That's what we do.

We gotta conquer the movie. So I always felt just all incomplete. Like I didn't conquer the movie, and I'm restlessly like, "I didn't conquer the movie." Then I had to change my perspective of what conquering looks like. Alright? Conquering is... She just wanted to feel close. That's it. She wanted to feel close.

And so my values said, "Okay, she wants closeness." So then going into the movie, I adjusted my expectations, and I started doing alright. I just said, "I'm just gonna get this and just put it right here. You can just put it right here. Me, I'm gonna put it in the DVD player." The other way that you cherish a wife is openness.

Openness. She wants you to be open with her. Okay? To share your passions. Your desires for the family, for children, your passions even at the job. Right? I mean, right when I walked in the door, "Honey, how was your day?" I'm a pastor. I do the same thing. I read the Bible.

I talk to people about the Bible, and I try to live the Bible. That's all I'm doing. That's what I did today. What did you want me to do? "Oh, but I just want to know." So then, "Oh, why are you being so short with me?" It's always so short if you just know.

"Oh, my goodness!" She wants you to be open. Just be open about it. Okay? Openness. The next one is understanding. The way you cherish her is by understanding. Don't try to fix her. Just listen. Just listen. "Shut up." Just listen. Okay? Stop trying to fix her. Again, I've gone through this trap all the time.

Just before I was coming here, she was just stressed out about all these things, financially, all this good stuff. Right then, I'm trying to fix her. Then I'm 19 years kicked in. I'm a slow learner. I'm like, "Okay, I'm going to just..." She was like, "Honey, I just want you to listen to me.

I just want you to listen to me. I identify with my pain right now." I'm like, "Okay. Let me just listen. I'm going to try to fix her." The other way that you cherish her is peacemaking. This is hard for me. Fellas, take the initiative to bring peace no matter who's in the wrong.

That's hard for me. Especially if I thought she was wrong because I'm always right. So why I got to take the initiative? Okay? That's what it looks like for you to lead. Be the peacemaker. She always says to me, "When I know there isn't peace, Ray, are you just going to let things linger?" I came to you and you still...

When were you going to say something? Was it going to be a week, two weeks, a month? I'm like, "Ah, man. That's my bad." The next way that you cherish is loyalty. She needs you to know that she's your priority. She is your priority. Again, I learned this the hard way.

We were playing a family game with a family. We were all playing it. Again, me being the conqueror guy, we got into this game. My wife doesn't like being put on the spot. She doesn't like impromptu kind of games. She's a planner. So I have to sit down. Even when we'll have counseling sessions, I have to sit down with her and say, "This is what we're going to talk about.

This is how we're going to talk about it. Let's plan this whole thing out." Okay? Before we sit with a couple or with an individual. We're playing this game. It's one of those types of games where it's kind of impromptu. You just have to come up with stuff. So I'm like, "Let's do it.

Let's do this." All of her family was like, "Come on, man. Let's do it." I was like, "No. I don't want to play." I'm like, "Yeah. Let's do it, y'all. Let's do it." She's like, "No. No. I don't want to play." I'm like, "Honey, come on, man. We can win this.

We got this. Let's do this. We're the costliest in the house." She's like, "What do you mean?" "Well, don't you have more than one kid of your own?" Oh, man. Later on, she said, "I just wanted you to know out of everybody in the room that you have my back.

I didn't want to play the game. I don't like games like that." Next. And lastly, esteem. The way you cherish her is don't stop cherishing her like the original Nike Air Force. So, fellas, this is what I want you to ask yourselves this weekend. Go to your wallets. I want you to go to your wallets.

And the reason I'm saying this weekend is because I want this stuff done here. You're here for this. Once you guys get home, hit the door, all the emails and all of this stuff's coming, ask her, "How can I love you better? How can I cherish you and nourish you better?" And ladies, don't break out from this room.

I was waiting for you to say that. Here it is. Okay? Just give him one way. Just one. One way he can nourish. One way he can cherish. Okay? Alright, those are the rules. You guys hanging in there? I told you it was a lot. But I want to make this practical.

I want to make this practical. I want to make this practical. I want to make this practical. I want to make this practical. I want to make this practical. I want to make this practical. I want to make this practical. I want to make this practical. I want to make this practical.

I want to make this practical. I want to make this practical. I want to make this practical. I want to make this practical. I want to make this practical. Verse 30, verse 30. "Because we are members of his body." 31 "therefore, a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast," everybody say hold fast.

Hold fast. "To his wife and the two shall become one flesh." Everybody say one flesh. One flesh. The nature of your relationship according to God, your marital relationship, is oneness and permanent. The nature, the make of, what it consists of ultimately at its bottom, the essence, is oneness and permanence.

Turn with me real quick to Genesis chapter two. Genesis chapter two. Starting at verse 20. Genesis two, starting at verse 20. Let's read it. The man gave names to all livestock and to the birds of the heavens and to every beast of the field. But for Adam, there was not found a helper fit for him.

So the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man and while he slept, took one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh. Now, God took one of his ribs, it says, to make Eve. Now when we hear rib, we may think of kind of an isolated bone, like one bone.

Yet the Hebrew conception here of the rib indicates really the entire area of the ribs. Including the muscles and the flesh. The entire rib cage. So when it says that God took a rib out of its side, it literally means that God divided Adam in half, if you will, to make one.

What's more about Genesis two is as we go on in the rib, verse 22, that the Lord had taken from the man he made, everybody say made. Into a woman and brought her to the man. Made means to build. So literally, God cut Adam in half and he built Adam into Eve.

This is why Paul said in verse 28 of Ephesians, chapter five, to love your wife is to love yourself. You see, here's oneness defined. Oneness building into the other, they both shared the same image, God. They both shared the same flesh, Adam's rib. They both had the same position, dominion.

God gave them both one calling, dominion. Both shared the same resources in the garden and both shared the same purpose. Be fruitful in what? Multiply. Oneness. I've seen this and experienced it. My wife, one time she was at a pastor's wives with one of the professor's wives in Taube.

And she was talking to her mentor and she said something like, dog, I just couldn't, and she kind of perked up. My wife is white, for those of you who don't know. And so she kind of looked, it's like, dog, and my wife was like, whoa, where'd that come from?

(audience laughing) I just said dog, okay? The reason why is because she's my wife. (audience laughing) She hangs out with me and I always say, what's up, dog? (audience laughing) So I'm building myself into her to where we are even saying the same language. When it comes to music, right?

I'm a black man, dude. We do not listen to country music. Why do I like country music? Why do I like country music? 'Cause my wife is being built into me. (audience laughing) My friends know I like country music. And this is being taken, oh man. (audience laughing) I never forget, as we were just journeying through our marriage, Ruth was saying things like this to me.

It's not just your life, Ray. What you do impacts me. What you say changes me. Where you go affects me. Your life is my life for good or for ill. And this is true. See, and here's also, this concept is where conflict can arise. It's hard to build yourself into someone else.

Me, I'm a decisive person. My wife is analytical, an analytical theater. So she takes a long time to make decisions. Me, I'm decisive. I see, I put it together, it's like boom. Let's move in this direction. But praise God that my wife is an analytical individual. Because one time we were signing up for medical insurance and I was looking at this and I was being my decisive self.

Like oh, let's go with this one, boom, boom. Press click, send, and we done. She's like, oh no, no, no, no. And I'm like, honey, you always take forever to make decisions. Why are you analyzing everything? Let's just. And then finally, I said, okay, let's just, I'll hear what you say.

All right, do, do, do, do, do, do, send. Ooh, we just saved $400. (audience laughing) Ooh. Man, I'm so glad in that moment that I built you into me. (audience laughing) All right, we have four children. Okay. After the fourth, my wife was saying, man, you know what, I think, or while she was pregnant with the fourth, she's like, man, I think I'm gonna keep having babies.

Ooh, man, that's kind of rough, okay. All right, well, we'll see what the Lord has. So she goes to the laborer, she's on the bed, and she's pushing, right, all the pain and everything, and ah, listen up. And I was like, I was just kind of hitting the honey, you still gonna have more kids?

(audience laughing) Don't talk to me right now, I'm trying to do my business, I'm trying to push this thing out, right? And then, she pushed that, she pushed the baby out, she's kind of still a pain in the ass saying, you know, I think we should probably, she's like, yeah, no, I don't wanna do this again.

(audience laughing) 'Cause she did no epidurals, my wife was a soldier, all four of them, she just pushed them out, right? And so she's like, no, I don't wanna do this, and I'm like, all right, cool, I got her, I don't wanna arm her back in pain, we're not having more kids?

Yeah, doctor, tie it up, tie it up. (audience laughing) And tear it up right now, we gonna be decisive. (audience laughing) That's it, make a decision. And my wife said, I'm glad you made that decision. (audience laughing) I'm glad you're decisive, honey. Respect versus mercy, I'm a respect guy, that's why I am.

When I come to the room, if it's time to roll, it's time to roll, that's just how it is with my kids, and they know it. If you're watching something, I don't care if we're right in the middle of a sentence that you're watching, if I walk in and say, cut the TV off, I'll be in the middle of a dog-gone sentence, cut it off, done.

My wife, this is what she asks when we walk in the room, she asks the kids, how much longer do you guys have left? I don't care how much longer they got left. I want the TV off right now. - Amen. - Amen. (audience laughing) Amen. But when she's the mercy guy, girl, she feels bad that they're in the middle of a sentence.

So she just, ah, okay. So I'm learning to build that mercy side into me that didn't already exist. Right? I mean, my wife is the mercy person, and she's stretching me, because I'm not, even to be confident. And so my wife, one day she saw this girl out in the middle of the street arguing with her gangbanger boyfriend, and what does she do?

She goes outside to the argument. She's not from the hood. You don't do that. What you do is, you close the door, clap, clap, bop, and you act like you ain't seeing nothing. (audience laughing) You put the windows down, and it's all good. No, she goes out there with gangbanger boyfriend and girlfriend, and ended up developing a relationship with that girl, and brought her to the Lord and all kind of other things.

That's what's on her mercy side, that built into me, which that would have never happened. And look at that. This girl's in the kingdom, just because of the way my wife is and her disposition. Okay? I'm a respect guy, I expect yes, dad. That's what I always tell people, yes, dad.

When I say something, yes, dad. Yes, dad, yes, mom. That's the way it works. I'll go, that's how, when my wife, she's a justice person, so when I say something, she's saying, okay, you guys can say, may I say something. May I say, instead of saying yes, dad, may I say something.

I'm like, you don't need to say nothing but yes, dad. (audience laughing) So, the dance of marriage, right? You see, oneness, that's not easy. That's rough, because you're building someone else into you. And so that's why a lot of times you got swollen feet, as you step on each other's feet.

But as the years go by, you learn the rhythm. You get it over time, as you build yourselves into each other. And this is the reality of oneness. Here it is. I am becoming the me that I was designed to be because of her. I am becoming the me that I was designed to be because of him.

The moment you get married, you are not the person yet that God designed you to be. You are becoming who he designed you to be. A totally different you. (audience laughing) And as I kind of gave those analogies, that's what makes it so difficult oneness. And that is what can also cause for sometimes, you to get to a point where you're saying, you know what, I'm tired of you stepping on my feet.

I'm tired of that. Because it becomes a challenge. Because sometimes the kids don't need to say something, and they need to just say yes, dad. And sometimes they do need to say something and not just say yes, dad. But if we keep getting it wrong, you stepping on my feet, I'm stepping on your feet, and it's like, dude, do you see my feet?

They're swollen, and so I'm ready to hit the door because you keep stepping on my feet. And that's why Paul then gives us verse 31, where he says, back to Ephesians. Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother, and what are those two words, you guys? Hold fast.

You see, oneness cannot be without permanence. Permanence is the promise of future love, regardless of future feelings or circumstance. You see, permanence creates the safety for oneness to become. Because when you look at me and you tell me, I'm gonna hold fast. No matter how many times you step on my feet, I'm not going anywhere.

No matter how swollen, how sore, how discontent I am with the fact that you can't get the rhythm that I keep saying go left and you go right, I'm not going anywhere. If it takes us a lifetime to get this dance right, I'm gonna hold fast. Believe that word hold fast, the Greek is glu.

That's what it can be translated as. I'm gonna be glued to you in all the seasons of life, when I'm happy with you and when I can't stand your guts. When you're meeting my expectations or when you are failing miserably. Studies show this, two thirds of unhappy marriages will become happy in five years simply if people stay married, that's it.

Just hold fast. So the nature of marriage is oneness and permanence. So now we get to my third point. The first point is the nature of roles, submission, loving, nurture, cherish. The nature of the relationship that God designed in marriage, the nature of that is what? Oneness, permanence. Now the question becomes is, when those two things combine, what is marriage in light of eternity?

That's what this is all about. What is marriage ultimately in light of eternity? This is the why now. I had you guys in the survey, you gave me all kind of whys. This why has to, must, trump them all. If you will ultimately experience the kind of anchor that God wants you to have in your marriage, it's in verse 32.

This mystery is profound and I'm saying that it refers to Christ and the church. For the first time in all of recorded history, history, eternity, past, Genesis, Genesis chapter two, when God first instituted marriage, it was unknown from that point all the way through the thousands of years that led up to Jesus.

Now we finally see what marriage is all about. It's a mystery until now. And he says it is profound. The word of the Greek is mega. It's great. So this is weight. You gotta feel it land. Paul is landing now. Submission, cherish, nourish, land. The primary and eternal reality about your marriage is that it is designed to reflect one thing, Christ and the church.

That's why marriage exists. You see that movie Princess Bride, I was looking up some quotes about love. Princess Bride, I'm gonna look at you smiling. Princess Bride, I can't stand that. (audience laughing) He says this, "Death cannot stop true love. "All it can do is delay it for a while." That is Harrison.

(audience laughing) "Death does stop true love horizontally." Here's another quote from the notebook. Ooh, yeah. So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work all at this every day. But I wanna do that because I want you. I want all of you forever.

You and me every day. It's not gonna be you and me every day forever. It's not men, women, sorry. You will not be married in heaven. The only reason marriage exists is to display the relationship that Jesus Christ will have with you forever. Marriage exists to display the gospel in living color.

And your mission is to display that picture until death does you part. Why? The reason for commitment and dedication to your roles. The nature of your relationship as oneness and permanence exists for one reason, to be a living drama of the gospel. Wives, here's your role in light of eternity.

This is why the chiastic structure. This is why Paul put, A, wives submit to your husbands, and then all the way down, again, wives submit to your husbands. That's why in verse 33, he concludes it to say, you gotta respect your husbands. Why is he carrying so much weight?

Why is he belaboring your role as a wife to submit? One, as Kathy Keller puts it, both women and men get to play the Jesus role in marriage. Ladies, Jesus in his sacrificial submission to the Father. You get to play that role. So that we can see what it looks like for Jesus to submit to the Father.

One writer wrote, as a woman, I already have a Jesus role. The sacrificial gifting of my submission to my husband. Should I try to grasp for his Jesus role? Should I try to swap my Jesus role for his? To what end? If Jesus being equal with God did not grasp for his equality but instead submitted himself to the plan and the Father, should I as my husband's equal grasp for mine?

You have a Jesus role, ladies. And here's the thing, we can't see that unless you live out your role. Here's another one. Your role, give us a picture of the church. Why is that so vital? Watch this. When we marginalize submission in marriage, we dull a certain reflection. And here it is.

If we don't talk about submission, ladies, it becomes the, oh, it's the devil term. It's the devil term, right? Being a feministic, you know, I can do what you can do. I'm not any, look, so submission, no, no, no, no, no, no. Church, we have to retain that language.

We have to retain that language. The world can do what it wants, but let's not start letting that stuff infiltrate the church. And here's why. Because the notion of submission over time will become foreign. And therefore, then, the world needs to know that there is a divine order and authority.

That Jesus Christ is King of kings and he's Lord of lords. And that he is seated at the right hand of the Father, far above all rule, authority, power, and dominion. And everything is in subjection to his feet. And submission puts that glorious picture on display, ladies, if you don't do that, we don't get to see the glory of the name Christ Jesus.

That's why he presses on you guys. Because the glory of the authority of Jesus over the church is seen through the way you submit to your husband. And we gotta see it. And guess what? Only you can do that, ladies. Realize that? If you don't do that, then we lose that picture.

Therefore, we lose a measure of the glory of God that we can view and see in this world. Amen. Your role in light of eternity. Verse 25, "As Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her." Verse 29, "For no one ever hateth his own flesh, but nourishes it and cherisheth it, as Christ does the church." The world needs to be governed by the church.

The church is the authority. The church is the authority. The church is the authority. The world needs to be gospel, fellas, in your love. The way we get to see what it looks like in living color, for Jesus to love the church because we didn't see it, we weren't there, is the way you nourish and cherish the wife.

'Cause he nourished the church with his own blood. He led with initiative, saying, "You gotta deny yourself, take up your cross, and follow me." He cherished her so much that he died for her, taking nine of his nails in his hands to bleed for her. He took 40 lashes minus one, and he grieved for her.

The world needs to see that picture of sacrificial love. And if you don't live that out, then we lose a picture of the glory of the gospel. What about the nature of marriage in light of eternity? Oneness, permanence. What about oneness? Read John chapter 17. It is one of the most intimate displays of the relationship between God, the Father, the Spirit, and the Son.

Primarily the Father and the Son. And he uses all of this oneness language. I in you, and you in me, that we are one, that they might be one, and you are one. It is extremely profound and poetic. In the way in which Jesus describes it. Listen, the whole idea of the Trinity, three in one, is not just a theological concept that we can examine in a test tube, or in some theological book.

God's intimacy, and what it looks like for him to be triune, and yet one, the depth to experience what that is, to see it, has been given in the privilege of marriage. As you build yourself into each other as distinct individuals, and yet still display the oneness, as I look at you and watch, our understanding of the Trinity is enhanced.

The glory of the Trinity is enhanced. It's no longer a theological concept, but I can actually see what it looks like for God to be three in one. What about hold fast? What is holding fast and permanence in my returning? Horizontal cleaving between a man and a woman. When you cleave and you hold fast, it's to draw the world's attention to the fact that God in Christ has glued himself to his church.

It's designed for us to see in living color, as you say, I'm committing, that we all together, even though we were deserving of hell, God yet still has given us permanent love. Even though you fall short of God's expectations every single day, even though you commit adultery on God every day, notice I said that?

Notice I said that? I know that the scripture says you can't get a divorce in light of adultery, but what would it look like if you still stayed even in the midst of adultery? 'Cause Jesus says, I will never leave you. I will forsake you. And he did it when he didn't even feel like it.

I'm not feeling like loving you right now. If Jesus got to the point where he said, you know what, I really don't feel like it, we would be in bad shape, wouldn't we? But when he didn't feel like it, in the garden of Gethsemane, as he was saying, God, take this cup from me, he said, Lord, not in my will, but what?

You will be done. And he took the cup. And he expressed the depth of his whole fast love toward us. And yet while we were rejecting him, he walked out of that garden and he bore our griefs and he carried our sorrows. He was whipped and he was beaten.

He literally glued himself to a curl, tying himself to the church forever. He became our sin, gluing his sin to us, and then gluing his righteousness to us. That's what permanence was designed to display. That's why submission matters. That's why sacrificial, nourishing, cherishing love matters. That's why oneness matters.

That's why permanence matters, because marriage is God's ordained mechanism to display the glory of his gospel grace to a dying world for them to behold it in and through you. You are a walking display of the gospel. That's why at the bottom, you should be married. Companionship, avoiding a commute, strong passions, hint, hint, that's all good.

But that will not, not only sustain, but cause you to flourish. The reason why I fight in my marriage, the reason why I'm committed to my role, the reason why I do what I do, the reason why my wife does what she does is because the glory of God is at stake in our marriage, and that is the most valuable thing for us.

His glory above all things. And so we're gonna stick it out. We're gonna make it work. We're gonna do what we gotta do, because we want the world to see the gospel. That's why you're married. Your marriage is infinitely bigger than you can imagine. Your marriage is infinitely bigger than you can imagine.

I want you to feel that. It's God's walking, talking, living, tangible display of the greatest love act that eternity will ever know. I am with this. I wanted to get to the last point. I know y'all are getting tired. I'm gonna just say it real quick. Can I say it real quick?

- Yes. - Yes. - You guys, you cool? Okay, 'cause this, this was dope. (audience laughing) This was my, yay, okay, Lord. Okay, okay, all right. When you embrace these roles, and you live within the nature of the way God designed marriage, there is a profound outcome, okay? There's a profound outcome.

And this slammed me. And this is where, again, what this happens, my wife pointed this out, and it just, it got me. Go to Ephesians 5, turn to Ephesians 5. Go to verse 18. And do not be drunk with wine, for that is debauchery, but be filled with the Spirit.

Natural question, how many of y'all want Spirit in your marriage? How many of y'all want Spirit? (audience laughing) Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, faithfulness, goodness, right? Self-control, the fruit of the Spirit, okay? Now the question becomes this, how do you get more of that in your marriage? How do you get more of that in your marriage?

Initially, when I looked at this, I didn't realize that this is a means passage. The part of simple, they call it, is a part of simple of means. Namely, how do you get the Spirit of God? I want love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. The Spirit of God will lead you into all truth.

I want more truth. The Spirit of God is God in me. I wanna get more God in me. Because I'm gonna live with more power. I'm gonna live with more impact. I'm gonna live with more satisfaction. I'm gonna live with more joy, okay? So I need that, I want that.

What's the means by which I get it? First, means, verse 19, addressing one another. So you get, you deal with the Spirit by addressing one another with songs, hymns, verses, songs. That's one. Verse 20, giving thanks always for everything to God. That's another means by which the Spirit fills you, okay?

Look at the third way. This was a revelation to me. The third way that you get filled with the Holy Spirit, verse 21, submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ. And then, verse five to verse 22, wives submit. That verse 21 is connected to the entire passage on marriage.

You see that? So verse 18 derives the rest of the entire chapter. You wanna be filled with the Holy Spirit, do verse 19. You wanna be filled with the Holy Spirit, do verse 20. You wanna be filled with the Holy Spirit, do verse 21, all the way down to verse 32, and you will gain spirit.

So this is what that means. As you embrace your role, wives, husbands, as you embrace your role, as you live out the nature of what the relationship is according to God, that's how you get spirit in your marriage. It's the means by which you get it. Man, I need some spirit today, start submitting.

I need some spirit today, start loving. I need some spirit today, start nourishing. As you engage in your role and in the nature, the spirit of God is going to indwell you. It's wonderful, it's wonderful. The outcome of living out the role, the nature, not only does it give us an anchor for our why, it gives us fuel to live, get out.

Let's pray. God, we just come before you right now and thank you for your truth. Your truth is profound and good. And God, I pray that you would allow for it to transform us. As we engage more of God together, discussing, talking, fill us, God, with your Holy Spirit.

Enable and empower us, God, to do these things. And God, I just pray that you, O God, would effect profound transformation and change, profound revelation and a depth within these marriages that God, you desire to see. And God, I pray that they never lose sight of the why and that that would anchor them, the glory of the gospel and the precious that it is.

A temple of God. Peace. A temple of God.

BFM Retreat 2017 - Session 1

Transcript