back to index2019-03-09 College Dating Seminar Q&A
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There's a lot, so let's try to, man, you know, you guys have a lot when it comes to dating, 00:00:19.320 |
Sometimes it's like twisting your arms and pulling your teeth and then like dating and 00:00:28.760 |
How can I be a respectful sister or brother in hanging out with a friend of the opposite 00:00:36.320 |
Well, this question, I would say as much as possible. 00:00:41.400 |
I hung out with like, first of all, you got to define what hanging out is, right? 00:00:45.240 |
Is hanging out like, I don't know, like if it's like hanging out in an apartment because 00:00:51.960 |
like you happen to be at your apartment and someone like you're with like your roommate 00:00:56.640 |
and then someone of the opposite gender comes in to hang out with you guys but then your 00:00:59.800 |
roommate leaves and then it's just you guys and you guys are hanging out. 00:01:02.760 |
I would say in a place like that, you guys probably shouldn't like be hanging out together 00:01:16.760 |
Largely, and this is generally, please understand what I'm saying by generally, I wouldn't encourage 00:01:23.440 |
a one-on-one hangout with just a guy and a girl. 00:01:27.040 |
And the reason for that is not because like you shouldn't like be having relationships 00:01:31.120 |
with a brother or sister but things just tend to happen and then secondly, you don't know, 00:01:42.440 |
you can't, like I said before, you can't control the other person's heart. 00:01:45.840 |
And so even if you're keeping it casual and things like that, you have no control over 00:01:50.520 |
So generally, I would say not hanging out with opposite gender is wiser alone anyway. 00:01:58.000 |
I am a big proponent of like, you know, hanging out in groups and I get to know people through 00:02:10.040 |
Actually sometimes I wonder if in the, like in the dating sense, like on that one-on-one 00:02:17.520 |
thing, like you actually tend to very directly display what you want that other person, what 00:02:25.000 |
you want that other person to see about yourself. 00:02:26.800 |
Because you're like honed in on this one person. 00:02:29.520 |
But in group settings, you're going to like see them interact with this person and this 00:02:32.760 |
person, you'll get a better perspective of that. 00:02:35.300 |
So with that, I think that kind of answers the question in a direct way. 00:02:41.520 |
Okay, second one, what are some warning signs signaling you should break up? 00:02:45.400 |
I remember those warnings that I put, like when there's like manipulation, obsession. 00:02:57.320 |
When you see it becoming unhealthy and it is damaging not only that relationship but 00:03:07.220 |
I think those are some warning signs for that. 00:03:09.560 |
If it's kind of gone out of control in terms of like the intimacy that's there, I would 00:03:15.720 |
say there are certain places where it wouldn't merit like just ending it and taking. 00:03:22.320 |
A lot of people like think about like can we just take a break, you know, because you 00:03:28.060 |
I would encourage not taking breaks as much as possible too. 00:03:31.160 |
I would say just break up and then just pursue Christ, make it clean. 00:03:38.880 |
Somewhere down the line, you know, like that's how we always think like, oh, like maybe somewhere 00:03:44.880 |
But somewhere down the line once you guys are both healthier, like it's possible that 00:03:52.800 |
But I see too many people trying to break up, take this long break and then get back 00:03:59.360 |
And it actually more often than not is uglier and healthier because of some additional things. 00:04:14.040 |
I've seen people work out and break up and get back together, break up and get back together. 00:04:21.440 |
And really at a certain point like if it's the person you want to date, even if you guys 00:04:28.800 |
have broken up in the future, maybe you could pursue again. 00:04:36.520 |
In dating, are there topics you should not share or discuss? 00:04:41.080 |
If you're struggling with something like purity, you shouldn't be sharing that. 00:04:45.840 |
You can make it general though, but don't be specific as you would with like if you're 00:04:54.720 |
And also, I know this sounds weird, but beware praying, just the two of you. 00:05:01.280 |
And there is a reality of spiritual intimacy. 00:05:08.640 |
Spend time in prayer and go through material together. 00:05:10.800 |
But you guys don't want to grow like dependent on each other for your spiritual walk and 00:05:15.440 |
you don't want to get to a place where like you guys are praying and at the end, you know, 00:05:19.560 |
you start crying in your prayer and you guys feel like close to each other and you're like 00:05:26.240 |
When you are dating, how should you go about friendships with the opposite gender? 00:05:40.000 |
Well, if you have, if you're doing friendship with the opposite gender well, when you're 00:05:47.640 |
dating, it doesn't actually change too much, I think. 00:05:52.440 |
But where it does change is like you give a little bit more like priority and attention 00:06:03.000 |
It sounds silly, but like, you know, like it's kind of obvious. 00:06:06.400 |
I've counseled some couples where like one of them is like, "Oh, they spend more time 00:06:10.720 |
with them and they don't pay attention to me at all." 00:06:14.080 |
Part of it is like, "Well, you got to suck that up." 00:06:16.400 |
But also the other part is like you do have to like pay attention. 00:06:19.760 |
You do have to be a little bit more special than anyone else. 00:06:24.080 |
And so with the opposite gender, remember kind of what we talked about during the seminar, 00:06:36.880 |
Don't like be going out all the time with them like on one-on-one things. 00:06:40.720 |
I would strongly recommend against that and you should be good. 00:06:44.680 |
Do we need any like follow-up clarifying questions here? 00:06:48.560 |
At any point as I'm giving these answers, if you need some clarity, just raise your 00:06:56.320 |
How do you go about dating someone who has a member at a different church? 00:07:07.800 |
Oh, because we have some guys who are dating... 00:07:17.080 |
Just serve the church and the other person should be serving their church with all of 00:07:22.800 |
Don't let the dating relationship ruin or impair or impede your ability to fully be 00:07:38.440 |
And then at a certain point in time, you guys are going to have to make that... 00:07:44.200 |
Like, okay, well, if this gets serious and like we're really talking about marriage, 00:07:48.640 |
we got to start talking about like which church to go to. 00:08:19.760 |
When you think about what flirting is, like why do you flirt? 00:08:34.460 |
You might flirt because you like that person. 00:08:38.280 |
So flirting comes out in different ways like you might like crack jokes at them or like, 00:08:43.040 |
you know, like little boys, they always like tease the girl that they like. 00:08:47.880 |
College students aren't too different actually. 00:08:59.580 |
You might do it because it garners a response from people and it makes you feel good or 00:09:08.880 |
Generally flirting is, I would say, a type of manipulation. 00:09:14.960 |
It's different than showing interest in someone. 00:09:20.080 |
So I don't think all flirting is bad if you want to put it that way because you can show 00:09:25.080 |
But the type of flirting we're talking about here in this seminar is the one where you're 00:09:29.160 |
like trying to get at something that isn't even like there. 00:09:38.620 |
I might need some response to this from you guys if that didn't make sense. 00:09:48.180 |
The type of flirting that we're talking about in this seminar. 00:09:51.080 |
If it's just showing interest and there's just, you know, that kind of thing. 00:09:55.220 |
But like even with that, like the type of flirting in this seminar, we're talking about 00:10:00.540 |
like people who are, do I want to like give actual examples? 00:10:20.540 |
Like there are people who get like a little bit touchy. 00:10:27.940 |
But it's like you will place a hand on the shoulder and it's not like this kind of thing. 00:10:32.260 |
It's just like this or, you know, there are people who will do like the -- I do it to 00:10:41.060 |
Every once in a while, I'll like walk by and I'll like give little shoves, right? 00:10:50.100 |
But like with flirting, there are times where you might like do some teasing. 00:10:53.380 |
It might be the way you -- like there are times where like maybe you like to be -- play 00:11:00.140 |
the victim role and like you like it when everyone is teasing you. 00:11:06.420 |
And then like everyone surrounding you and like teasing you, stop it, you know, that 00:11:13.620 |
Man, I can't think of like any good ones right now. 00:11:19.100 |
And you can see why like you have to put a leash on that. 00:11:23.500 |
So if it's just, you know, if it's leaking all over the place, then that's not okay. 00:11:39.580 |
Well, is it bad that physical attraction is the first thing I notice? 00:11:50.420 |
Because that's always going to be the first thing. 00:11:54.900 |
Because that's the first impression you have of someone, right? 00:11:58.540 |
So like if you're attracted to someone, you can't be like, oh, I'm sinning, you know, 00:12:05.980 |
No, you know, like God made people to be attracted to people. 00:12:12.260 |
You know, people have types and all this kind of stuff. 00:12:16.660 |
Like many of you might have been thinking about that in like James, like with the sin 00:12:21.180 |
And you got to be careful about how you apply that into every context. 00:12:25.980 |
Because like observing, judging, that's something that happens. 00:12:32.260 |
You see someone and then you just kind of like you make quick judgment calls and it 00:12:37.980 |
But from there, if that is all that there is, then obviously that's not okay. 00:12:47.260 |
So what that means is like you're physically attracted to someone and then so I'm going 00:12:54.660 |
Oh, I think someone asked about like online dating and stuff too. 00:12:58.580 |
Like a lot of like these websites, what it is, it's like you'll see the pictures and 00:13:02.340 |
you're like swiping whatever way you're supposed to swipe and then that's all it is. 00:13:10.580 |
People say otherwise, you know, I'll read the description and all that. 00:13:18.020 |
So let that move on and if you don't see that moving on, if you don't like see anything 00:13:22.620 |
about their character or their godliness or how they serve and these things aren't like 00:13:27.500 |
accompanying you, I'll just be like, yeah, just, you know, they're just an attractive 00:13:33.060 |
person to you physically but that's about it. 00:13:37.860 |
What are some of the dangers of dating people that go to other churches? 00:13:45.700 |
It's not wrong to date people from other churches. 00:13:49.660 |
Like if you're trying to fish for like some potential difficulties, I wouldn't call them 00:13:56.660 |
Maybe they could be dangerous if it goes to a certain point but obviously like you're 00:14:03.380 |
not going to be able to see them in the context of church. 00:14:08.140 |
Like I think that's a big part of like observation that we don't give enough credit to, you know. 00:14:18.180 |
Like how they serve, the fact that there are older sisters that can vouch for her, older 00:14:24.020 |
Like you can't have that really if they're going to another church. 00:14:27.220 |
So it makes it more difficult but it's not wrong to date people from other churches. 00:14:43.740 |
Oh, you're dating someone from another church. 00:15:03.860 |
Well like before you get to that question, I would ask them like why is it that you want 00:15:11.660 |
Like good and bad and like any time you ask that question to anybody. 00:15:17.740 |
So if it's very superficial, you know like some of the stuff that we talked about like 00:15:26.300 |
Have you been able to really see if like past, you know, like back when I was in youth group, 00:15:32.900 |
you love the praise team, you know, whoever was like leading the guitar and things like 00:15:37.180 |
I don't know if it's so much like that anymore but like so like people like, "Oh, that person 00:15:42.260 |
is so good-looking" or "That person is so pretty" or that kind of stuff because of their 00:15:49.780 |
And like if that's all you have where you're like just seeing like a snapshot of someone 00:15:54.060 |
saying you want to date that person, then it's probably not enough to warrant just dating. 00:16:02.060 |
Especially in college because it's such a volatile stage in life. 00:16:09.660 |
But from then like if you guys have like groups of friends that kind of hang out together 00:16:14.660 |
and you're hearing good things about the person and things like that, then maybe you can. 00:16:25.820 |
If you happen to, I don't know, you're dating someone from cross life and so like if you 00:16:30.620 |
happen to have a relationship with Patrick James, you could like, if you happen to cross 00:16:51.220 |
So Pastor Ed in his winter retreat sermon alluded to girls playing hard to get. 00:16:57.420 |
What does that mean and what does that look like? 00:16:59.300 |
Well, there were certain things that Pastor Ed said at the retreat that I don't agree 00:17:09.980 |
It's okay to disagree on some of these things. 00:17:12.380 |
I just don't think this is the wisest thing, you know. 00:17:17.260 |
If someone comes up to you and they say like, "Hey," like, and this is the girl, right? 00:17:23.180 |
If a guy comes up to you and says, "Hey, do you want to grab a cup of coffee? 00:17:26.180 |
I'd like to get to know you better or I'm interested in you," just make it clear. 00:17:32.060 |
If you're not interested, then just say you're not interested. 00:17:40.980 |
If you say like, "Oh, I'm just not ready to date right now." 00:17:44.580 |
But for real, your answer is, "I don't want to date you." 00:17:48.140 |
Make that clear or else they're going to be like, "I'm just going to wait and wait and 00:17:51.540 |
wait until they're ready to date and come again." 00:17:53.220 |
And they're going to ask you two months later, you know. 00:17:56.380 |
And so be very clear about, I think, like if someone does that. 00:18:01.420 |
Now if someone is showing interest in you, they haven't DTR'd with you, but like you're 00:18:06.180 |
seeing signs because that happens, then I would say, I would say you want to... 00:18:19.460 |
You want to make it clear back to them in your interest level. 00:18:28.620 |
If you're not interested in them and they're showing signs of interest, then make it clear 00:18:36.820 |
This is where it gets really sticky and this is where like now it's not Bible talking, 00:18:47.300 |
If there's a guy who's showing interest in you and you're not interested, then don't, 00:18:54.580 |
Sometimes you might like that because you like being liked and so you might play along 00:19:00.860 |
If someone's doing that, just maybe remove yourself from some of those kinds of situations. 00:19:07.220 |
If you see a guy who's like joining every ministry that you're joining, you're like, 00:19:12.940 |
Be aware of it and make sure that you don't give them hope. 00:19:19.780 |
They're like, "Man, guys who like a girl will cling on to every little clue." 00:19:38.380 |
If there seems to be...oh, maybe I should read this first. 00:19:45.420 |
If there seems to be unspoken mutual interest, what is the next step if you both feel unready 00:19:49.820 |
Is it better to DTR or continue to get distracted? 00:20:02.620 |
If there seems to be unspoken mutual interest and you're not and you both feel unready to 00:20:06.700 |
date, then I would just...some people think, "Oh, maybe we should DTR to clarify." 00:20:19.220 |
Be like, "Hey, I like you, you like me, but we're not ready to date and we'll deal with 00:20:25.740 |
Because when you do that, it actually starts to create more linkage and it gets harder 00:20:32.100 |
And so what I would say is if you're a person and you like that person and maybe you've 00:20:37.940 |
taken a couple of steps too far and said things that have revealed your heart to them and 00:20:44.900 |
some reciprocity, whatever, they reciprocated in that and then you guys are playing this 00:20:51.700 |
weird dance and then you recognize, you're like, "What am I doing?" 00:20:54.540 |
And what you wanna do in that place is just take a step back. 00:21:00.980 |
Like if it's a bunch of texting that's going on, just slowly dial back on the texting and 00:21:05.580 |
then take longer to text and then eventually let that kinda dissipate. 00:21:11.420 |
You don't need to open up a can of worms where it doesn't need to be opened. 00:21:25.700 |
I did that one time in college and then it just created a lot of unnecessary turmoil 00:21:33.820 |
I personally, it was obvious that I liked this girl and that she liked me and I had 00:21:39.980 |
not been wise about how I guarded our time and interaction with each other. 00:21:53.920 |
And so we sat down and I said, "We gotta clarify this." 00:21:57.820 |
So we sat down and I said, "Hey, I'm interested in you. 00:22:06.100 |
And what happened after that was it made it so hard because it cleared it up where it 00:22:12.380 |
didn't need to be cleared up 'cause I wasn't ready to date. 00:22:16.220 |
And so that actually turned into this eight-month drawn-out thing. 00:22:19.620 |
It actually ended up sanctifying my heart, but at the end of it, I think there is wisdom 00:22:26.880 |
Just start to be wiser about your interaction with them. 00:22:35.520 |
Please expand on divorce and if it ever could be justified. 00:22:37.520 |
Yes, there are terms in the Bible where divorce can be justified. 00:22:42.640 |
God still hates it, but he justifies it in a place. 00:22:46.280 |
And that's when one of the spouse has committed adultery against the other. 00:22:53.160 |
And there are instances also of believing, unbelieving type of thing where you become 00:22:59.880 |
a believer and then the unbelieving spouse doesn't want to be with you anymore. 00:23:04.080 |
At a certain point, there's a justification that's kind of given out there. 00:23:16.400 |
You mentioned warning signs like obsession, manipulation, and abuse. 00:23:19.560 |
How can someone be aware of some of these red flags? 00:23:22.280 |
What are some specific ways that they might appear? 00:23:32.480 |
I'm not a big fan of like, you know, trust your gut, but you can just feel it when sometimes 00:23:37.320 |
they're like, they just want too much of your time. 00:23:47.840 |
It's not wrong, but as you start questioning that, you start to realize like, oh, they're 00:23:56.800 |
And then obsession can come and like it can start to bleed over usually into manipulation. 00:24:05.680 |
When they start like, usually when people are manipulating you, they'll start in one 00:24:10.320 |
way and then they'll like start to shift when they don't get the response that they want 00:24:15.800 |
So in the beginning, they want more of your attention and you're not giving it to them. 00:24:21.320 |
And then like, and so because you feel guilty, you kind of give into that a little bit, but 00:24:25.360 |
inevitably because the obsession is there, infatuation is there, they're going to want 00:24:33.560 |
And then the guilty thing just stops working. 00:24:35.200 |
It just makes you tired and it's starting to like feel, this whole thing starts to feel 00:24:39.880 |
Then they grow angry, you know, and if that doesn't work, then they're going to get sad. 00:24:45.880 |
They're going to be like, okay, and then they want your sympathy. 00:24:48.840 |
So all of that is actually a type of manipulation and people don't, many times don't know that 00:24:59.720 |
And that doesn't mean, again, it doesn't mean it's like, we are break up now. 00:25:03.800 |
It's a deal breaker, but it does mean that you have to be very careful and you got to 00:25:09.400 |
And then if there's like a recurring pattern of things and you realize like, you guys talked 00:25:15.560 |
about it and said that they're not going to do this anymore, but you see the same thing 00:25:18.840 |
done in a different package, in a different way, then probably they just need space. 00:25:28.680 |
And then, yeah, and then figure it out from there. 00:25:46.680 |
What does it look like to be content/enjoy the season of dating while still being in 00:26:16.640 |
love/seeking clarity/knowing that dating is still a waiting season? 00:26:20.080 |
What does movement toward marriage look like in a dating relationship? 00:26:23.760 |
What does it look like to be content and enjoy the season of, like while dating, right? 00:26:30.080 |
So what does it look like to be content while dating, even though we understand that marriage 00:26:39.720 |
That's why I like, I would say just get married as soon as you possibly can, because that's 00:26:48.720 |
And so that's why I would say just wait as long as possible, and as many things are kind 00:26:59.600 |
But while you're dating, to be content is the same thing as when you're single. 00:27:03.200 |
That's why we're talking about contentment before you're dating is so important, because 00:27:08.680 |
you need to learn to see what it is to be content in Christ alone. 00:27:12.520 |
That's not just the word that we, that's not just a phrase we throw around. 00:27:19.640 |
And if he's not, then what's going to happen in a dating relationship is that person will 00:27:29.240 |
And so in a dating relationship, it's still the same struggle, like contentment in Christ, 00:27:38.120 |
And in the midst of that, that's why the movement and communication and clearly defining expectations 00:27:46.680 |
is very important in a dating relationship, because then like that's going to help in 00:28:09.440 |
As a college student, I would say like, I would be pretty hardline no if you're a college 00:28:13.840 |
student, because you have plenty of interaction in college without needing to go into that 00:28:23.960 |
But online dating, I have seen people who have started dating through online dating 00:28:31.200 |
and then getting married through online dating and stuff, but I've seen more danger than 00:28:36.360 |
the very few examples of it actually working out. 00:28:40.240 |
And so generally, the question I would like to ask for people who want to go into online 00:28:48.360 |
Why is it that, if I were to ask you, is there anybody that you would like to date at church? 00:28:59.480 |
And then it's like, no, there's just no one suitable. 00:29:05.280 |
You have to really challenge that and really think of what does that actually mean. 00:29:13.720 |
And start to learn what it is to trust God in the middle of things while not lowering 00:29:20.880 |
your expectations of what a girl or a good guy ought to look like. 00:29:26.640 |
But this is where, this is why like, counsel is so important. 00:29:29.600 |
So with online dating, I say, first place is always like, in the Christian community. 00:29:33.840 |
I think that's where you should be trying to date and trying to find people to date. 00:29:38.720 |
But if it gets to a point where it's just really, really hard, it's not wrong to do 00:29:46.480 |
Anyone have any like, dying to have their question asked or answered? 00:30:02.080 |
Why don't you take just a moment to pray for yourself that God would absorb these things 00:30:09.440 |
I'll give you guys about 30 seconds and I'll close this in prayer.