back to index2019-03- 09 College Dating Seminar Session 2
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If you feel like, like I want to date and I like this girl and really slow down and 00:00:23.560 |
I like this girl and really slow down and take it easy and say that. 00:00:33.360 |
Almost every time if someone comes up to me and asks me my opinion, I'm not singling 00:00:46.440 |
I have seen people who say, I'll ask like, hey when did you start liking them? 00:00:57.480 |
How do you know that that person isn't the flavor of the week? 00:01:08.840 |
Like how do you know that they're not just the next person on your list? 00:01:15.760 |
Because even in that statement you realize, man this is all about me, like what I want, 00:01:21.840 |
Like have you really taken actual consideration and done the due diligence of even thinking 00:01:28.520 |
A lot of times it might be like, oh but I saw her serving and she seems to be doing 00:01:37.440 |
You think, like your heart filled glazed sight on this girl saying like, oh she's like the 00:01:46.800 |
You know I've, there have been people who have come up to me and like they're all stressed 00:01:55.320 |
Like just wait, hold on, see as much time as is needed. 00:02:01.360 |
As much time as is needed and then they'll be like, oh because like I don't want her 00:02:32.600 |
And sometimes you know, what I would like, what I kind of feel in my heart is like when 00:02:39.680 |
people say someone might come and like snatch them up or you're like kind of worried about 00:02:43.920 |
I really appreciate it if we're honest about that. 00:02:48.900 |
But the news flashes that person is not yours. 00:03:13.880 |
Can I just get like where you think I am in character? 00:03:17.040 |
Even regardless of this dating thing I'm talking about, like how am I doing? 00:03:23.040 |
And you think about all these things and you get to this place, you're like, okay, ask 00:03:30.240 |
The question that you guys are all thinking right now is what does it mean to be ready? 00:03:40.440 |
Usually when I ask this to people and I ask it to a lot of people, they'll like give the 00:03:45.360 |
They'll say, well, you know, I'm struggling with this and I'm not perfect here and this 00:03:48.800 |
is hard and, oh man, Pastor Nathan, I'm so sinful. 00:03:53.800 |
But Jesus, you know, that's what always happens. 00:03:56.160 |
But the grace of God overwhelms my soul and I sing praises in my brokenness. 00:04:02.880 |
You know, you do it like that, what does it truly mean to be ready or mature? 00:04:08.400 |
Actually, you might not like the answer to this one, but the only way to see is what 00:04:12.800 |
Maturity is established through experience and trial. 00:04:19.240 |
In James chapter 1, verse 2 through 4, it says, "Consider it all joy, my brethren, when 00:04:22.360 |
you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. 00:04:25.840 |
And let endurance have its perfect result so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking 00:04:30.760 |
Remember, we've gone through this enough, but this is important. 00:04:39.360 |
That faith is going to be tested in trial, which causes maturity, completion, and perfection. 00:04:52.680 |
In college, many times, you come to college and you realize for the first time, like, 00:04:59.120 |
For the first time, you're taking your faith seriously. 00:05:01.440 |
For the first time, you've actually surrendered your life to Christ. 00:05:04.440 |
And so you're looking at yourself and you have never felt like this. 00:05:13.560 |
I listen to the sermon and I'm like doing this. 00:05:18.800 |
So you see all these things and then you become like someone who is like, "Faith, yes. 00:05:28.800 |
But from there, it's like, "How does that translate into am I ready to date?" 00:05:35.880 |
So where I'm trying to go with this is the only way to see if that is not just an initial 00:05:44.640 |
Like, you know, you could be learning so much and be stale in your heart. 00:05:51.040 |
You could be learning so much about who God is and what His kingdom is like and the promises 00:05:56.480 |
that He makes and the attributes of what He is and then the theologies and the doctrines 00:06:01.720 |
And you could do all of that stuff and you could be fooled in it. 00:06:07.800 |
But the only time you're going to know that it's real and it begins to surface as reality 00:06:13.840 |
and truth in your heart is when the storm hits. 00:06:22.240 |
And then you say, "I believe that God is so good. 00:06:31.600 |
And then someone that comes out of that, you know what I call that person, is someone who 00:06:38.800 |
Give it as much time as possible because you might see someone and say like, "Oh man, Pastor 00:06:46.320 |
And I say like, "Hey, but just general advice at this stage in life where you guys are both 00:06:54.240 |
very young in faith, give it as much time as possible because a storm might hit her 00:07:00.160 |
and then after like eight months later, you might be like, "Whoa, dude, she should not 00:07:07.680 |
So what's the difference between time A and time B is going to be that a storm hit and 00:07:12.560 |
it actually revealed true faith and character and maturity. 00:07:16.720 |
I say wait as long as you possibly can because as you do that, you're going to be tested 00:07:23.360 |
You think that you have a lot of stuff grounded and you're like, "Man, I think I am ready." 00:07:28.040 |
But maybe if you give it just two more months, a tragedy is going to hit and you're going 00:07:35.040 |
I am not saying that you're going to be perfect before you date or perfect before you marry, 00:07:40.460 |
but I think we ought to put that into the equation. 00:07:55.800 |
Go back into your phones and then you guys can answer this one. 00:08:22.280 |
Well, a lot of people say two years, maybe three years, three plus years. 00:08:32.120 |
Once you graduate and you go into BAM and stuff, and we did this poll in BAM, it'd be 00:08:39.240 |
And so with this, what's interesting is like, is this, like, does this play a role at all 00:08:45.200 |
in thinking how about when you might want to date? 00:09:28.440 |
Like the one before you look at it and you're like, okay, here it is. 00:09:32.280 |
So for those of you who put two years and then you put 25 to 27, you're like, this is 00:09:42.320 |
I'm not saying that, of course, but the first person I date might not be the person I need 00:09:48.720 |
But what I'm trying to say is do you kind of think soberly through it or is it like 00:09:53.400 |
you just find someone that's like a potential and you're like, oh, I got to be all over 00:10:01.240 |
Marshall Siegel says, some no doubt will hate this advice. 00:10:06.200 |
Now, I don't -- this is not exactly what I believe. 00:10:12.920 |
I'm sure I would have, but we all need to acknowledge that we can date long before we 00:10:18.120 |
We cannot date toward marriage when marriage isn't even on the radar yet. 00:10:24.920 |
But is it realistic that the two of you can marry anytime soon? 00:10:28.200 |
So this isn't -- what he's doing is he's pulling out a question. 00:10:32.640 |
So what he's -- what I'm trying not -- I'm trying not to say right now that we -- like 00:10:37.920 |
you need to only date when you're like completely ready to be married. 00:10:44.400 |
That everything is perfect, that everything is planned out. 00:10:47.200 |
But what I am saying is there needs to be some semblance of that. 00:10:52.640 |
If you're thinking like I want to date two years and then I want to get married a year 00:10:55.960 |
after that, or I want to date three years and now I want to get married -- you know, 00:10:59.640 |
as you're thinking about these things, like you're like, but I haven't declared my major 00:11:13.080 |
Yeah, someone else might date that person, but it's okay. 00:11:20.120 |
Like get to a place where you're a little bit closer to it, to a place where you can 00:11:24.880 |
actually provide for a family or be self-sustaining and you're not living in your parents' house 00:11:32.840 |
You got to figure out what that semblance is. 00:11:37.160 |
You know, there are a bunch of questions that might come out too, right? 00:11:44.160 |
You know, because what happens is, like you start dating in college and what tends to 00:11:48.920 |
happen is as the end of fourth year rolls around, everyone starts saying, uh-oh. 00:12:02.840 |
Or I'm going back to NorCal, but you're in SoCal. 00:12:06.280 |
Or I have, I just realized my last year that I want to go into med school. 00:12:12.080 |
That's going to be another six years before I want to actually marry. 00:12:16.600 |
Or, you know, there's lots of different things that come up and then all of a sudden you 00:12:19.440 |
have two people that were just dating and just thinking like very like, like living 00:12:26.600 |
Just ideally like, oh, we're just trying to honor God without thinking about the wise 00:12:35.160 |
You have, the key word consider, it's not saying like this is it, you know? 00:12:46.760 |
It's like, but all I know personally is that I have her, you know? 00:12:53.760 |
It's, it's, you, you look at that and you have to be temperate about it. 00:12:58.760 |
You have to think like, you know, I'm nowhere near ready. 00:13:03.640 |
I got to figure out a lot of things in my own life. 00:13:05.720 |
And when I'm closer to them, then maybe I can start like, you know, thinking, thinking 00:13:10.280 |
about like walking together with someone in this. 00:13:16.320 |
I have, I have counseled many, many people who have like gone through different things 00:13:30.320 |
And this is probably the one that kind of comes up very, very often because I, I spent 00:13:34.720 |
so much time with like a youth aged group who, who grew up into a certain age range. 00:13:38.360 |
So like, that's like, that was a lot of, of what, what I did. 00:13:41.560 |
Like these people would contact me and say like, "Hey, can I get your quick advice?" 00:13:45.160 |
And I'd listen and be like, "Oh man, you, your, your path is complete. 00:13:49.360 |
You guys realize that you want to, you want to be a missionary in Africa and that you 00:13:52.800 |
realize you want to just go back and, you know, work in an office job." 00:14:00.280 |
And if you knew that before, maybe you wouldn't even have started dating that person. 00:14:35.520 |
Don't let it just happen as, as much as possible. 00:14:39.960 |
Like Kezia and I, we had no feelings for each other in college. 00:14:44.200 |
And then we spent a year and a half away from each other, like in different places. 00:14:49.400 |
And then, and then literally, there was no feelings for each other. 00:14:54.480 |
And then in August, we started spending time with each other, with a group of people. 00:14:58.720 |
And then two months later, like we were determining the relationship. 00:15:18.680 |
And then you realize like, like, and then Kezia called me one day. 00:15:29.440 |
Don't like, don't just like, you know, like you guys are in the middle of a talk and all 00:15:33.640 |
of a sudden, like in a moment of weakness, you go like, "Hey, I kind of have feelings 00:15:45.760 |
Don't go up to someone and say, "Hey, I kind of like you." 00:16:00.760 |
Don't, don't go for months just playing games and like, and like thinking like, "Oh, if 00:16:05.600 |
I do this, they're going to know that I'm interested. 00:16:08.120 |
And then like if I do this, she's going to, she's going to like, like I'm going to give 00:16:11.840 |
her a hint here and then a hint here and then a hint here and then a hint here. 00:16:14.720 |
And hopefully like, like he's going to come and he's going to ask me, you know, or, or 00:16:24.840 |
I'm not saying you can't show interest in people, you know, like, like don't also go 00:16:30.320 |
I've seen people like try to pendulum swing that the other way. 00:16:33.440 |
And then whenever that person comes in, they go, "Huh." 00:16:35.560 |
And they walk out, you know, because they're in love with the person, you know, that kind 00:16:42.120 |
If you have interest in a person, and this is where this comes in. 00:16:47.360 |
Generally, generally, asterisk, asterisk, generally men step up. 00:16:52.680 |
And remember, this is with all the backing of like, hey, get prepared for dating first. 00:16:59.720 |
So for many of you, you might not be anywhere near this yet. 00:17:03.120 |
So don't think like, "Oh, now this is the stuff where I need to start. 00:17:10.960 |
If you have, if you have interest, just make it clear. 00:17:17.960 |
We don't have to be like, "Hey, I'm serious about wanting to marry you." 00:17:22.760 |
Just go and say like, "There's interest here. 00:17:26.000 |
And you know, like, would you like to go get a coffee or whatever it is." 00:17:34.000 |
You've done, you know, and generally people are like, "Yeah, I guess, yeah, you know, 00:17:42.680 |
A lot of times people play these games without any intention of ever like, like pursuing 00:17:46.880 |
a relationship because we're just passive timid people. 00:17:51.880 |
We like them so like, we'll like say things or act a certain way in front of them but 00:17:56.880 |
we actually don't ever think it's going to get to that point where we're going to ask 00:17:59.840 |
until like finally like you hit the breaking point. 00:18:03.200 |
But you should be, you should be walking way ahead of that breaking point. 00:18:14.080 |
Yeah, so in not playing games, treat them like a brother or sister, right? 00:18:22.800 |
So just, they're not your wife, they're not your husband, they're not the person you're 00:18:35.840 |
And if you're interested in just make it clear. 00:18:40.480 |
If you guys have questions about this, by the way at any point you can text me. 00:18:43.800 |
If you want my phone number I'll put it up at the end and then you can, you can do the 00:18:52.560 |
All right, prepare for frustrations and heartaches. 00:18:57.160 |
The men don't let the risk of rejection paralyze you. 00:19:03.920 |
And I don't know if some of you see this and you're like, "Oh, but you know, like this 00:19:10.760 |
Generally, I'm not saying that women can't, you know, ask a guy out. 00:19:17.480 |
I'm not saying like they can't initiate the DTRing. 00:19:20.320 |
But generally men, I would, I would like to see you as what God has made men to be as 00:19:26.840 |
initiators, as people who are going to be strong and bold and not passive. 00:19:33.360 |
Don't you want like someone who's assertive and knows like that, that they love God and 00:19:44.960 |
As you go through this over and over again, you're going to have this risk of rejection. 00:19:49.160 |
But what if like I say like, "Hey, I'm interested in you and I would like to get some coffee." 00:19:52.400 |
And they look at you and they start laughing. 00:20:06.440 |
This is hard because sometimes you're interested in a guy and you're like, "Why is everybody 00:20:09.640 |
that I'm not interested in asking me out and this guy that I am interested in?" 00:20:16.320 |
This one, maybe one day we could do like, when we do like a men's and women's seminar 00:20:22.800 |
I would like a female to be up here talking to you guys. 00:20:25.040 |
I'm not going to say it because I think I can do some damage right now because we don't 00:20:31.880 |
So with that said, we're going to move on here. 00:20:40.000 |
Sometimes you're going to make mistakes but just get back on track. 00:20:47.440 |
I want to use this time to kind of challenge you guys. 00:20:50.560 |
If there are people that you think didn't make the right decisions, you should not be 00:20:55.240 |
like all judgmental and hoity-toity about it, you know. 00:20:58.760 |
You should be like, "Oh, I can't believe you did that, man," or "I can't believe you did 00:21:07.640 |
Like you might think it's funny and it's innocent but sometimes it's very, very damaging. 00:21:12.520 |
We are not here to build up a culture of like, "I'm right. 00:21:17.960 |
Even if you feel like you did the right thing, if someone else maybe made a questionable 00:21:22.240 |
call, you don't turn to them and go like, "Huh." 00:21:26.520 |
And then because of that judgment that you have in your heart, it just comes out of sarcasm 00:21:35.920 |
And so there's a lot of places where it's going to get messy and that's okay. 00:22:03.720 |
With these potential dangers, you're going to see both of these. 00:22:06.160 |
You're going to see people acting like married couples. 00:22:11.200 |
This is why dating is hard because it's a kind of a commitment with no real commitment. 00:22:20.000 |
You're kind of committing to each other to be in this relationship but there's no actual 00:22:25.800 |
And so dating is hard because once you start acting married, then it gets really, really 00:22:32.160 |
confusing and it gets really, really kind of twisted up and like I've seen it. 00:22:39.800 |
People start to break up and then it feels like a divorce and it's so hard because maybe 00:22:45.360 |
there are certain things that you have crossed in terms of emotional boundaries and that's 00:22:55.480 |
Don't also treat it like it's not a special relationship. 00:23:00.800 |
Essentially like what I mean by that is that you're just friends and there's no real intentionality 00:23:06.480 |
in moving towards marriage but you guys are just kind of going on dates and hanging out. 00:23:24.440 |
We all know that we should set boundaries but many times we set boundaries that are 00:23:34.280 |
The whole goal in boundaries is to guard your relationship with God. 00:23:40.160 |
This is first and foremost because we obviously know we're trying to guard ourselves. 00:23:46.080 |
Usually what happens in boundaries is we're trying to guard ourself and then we're trying 00:23:50.160 |
to guard the other person and then we're trying to guard our relationship with God. 00:23:54.000 |
That's how we naturally think but that's completely flipped upside down. 00:23:58.280 |
You should be thinking about guarding your relationship with God, his glory, the fact 00:24:03.280 |
that your life is about him, that you don't want anything to come in between you and Christ. 00:24:08.160 |
And then the second one is you also want to guard them. 00:24:11.960 |
And then thirdly and lastly, like you come last, you know. 00:24:18.520 |
So in boundaries, oh, Addy's favorite movie right now. 00:24:23.640 |
Christian dating, you better not get in the way of me loving Jesus. 00:24:35.000 |
Don't let it be based on simply like your temptations and struggles, like your own temptations 00:24:41.600 |
and struggles, I'm going to build my boundaries around this. 00:24:44.280 |
But constantly be thinking like how can we be sure that we're not going to cross lines 00:24:52.120 |
And we'll go into that in a little bit more depth soon. 00:25:05.440 |
And people don't phrase it like this but people phrase it like, "Astronethan, can I like, 00:25:10.760 |
You know, like those are the actual questions that kind of come up. 00:25:16.040 |
I won't, I'll try not to answer those questions. 00:25:18.400 |
The way that you should be asking the question, how best can I go if I got? 00:25:23.160 |
They're very different because one is going to be honestly in our sinfulness of heart, 00:25:28.800 |
it's going to be how, like literally how far can I go up against that line before like 00:25:39.000 |
For a Christian, we say like how, like in this whole scheme of things, if I wanted to 00:25:44.080 |
be all about God, and we say that with our lips, but for real, if I wanted to be all 00:25:58.200 |
So we're talking about physical intimacy here, right? 00:26:03.640 |
I try to add a few things that would like soften it up here, but so we're going to have 00:26:10.560 |
With physical intimacy, kissing, holding hands, how far can I go in these things? 00:26:17.560 |
I'm just going to explain to you how Kazee and I did it, okay? 00:26:20.600 |
And the reason why I'm explaining to you guys with our example is because I am not saying 00:26:28.760 |
I am simply giving you how we sat down and said, how are we going to guard this relationship 00:26:36.240 |
and make sure that it is glorifying to God, make sure we don't cross things that we definitely 00:26:45.680 |
At the altar, it was super awkward, but at the altar is when we shared our first kiss. 00:26:50.320 |
I never said I love you to Kazee until I like I proposed to her. 00:27:00.680 |
Please don't go and say, "Do Pastor Nathan said you can't kiss until the altar." 00:27:05.720 |
But for us, we sat down and we said, "What do we want to do?" 00:27:09.360 |
Knowing you, knowing me, knowing our hearts, knowing our sinful tendency, knowing all of 00:27:13.640 |
this stuff about us, how can I really, how can we really think through this? 00:27:19.840 |
There are different things that we thought about, like I don't want to be kissing some 00:27:29.800 |
I don't want to be kissing a girl that's going to one day be someone else's wife. 00:27:44.280 |
You don't want to be sharing certain things with someone that, at the end of the day, 00:27:50.920 |
when you talk to your future husband or wife, you're like, "Oh, yeah, I kissed three other 00:28:02.320 |
I said, "I don't want to be kissing anyone that's not my wife. 00:28:06.880 |
I don't want to be in church having dated someone and then having gone a little bit 00:28:14.320 |
too far physically with this person, and then later on in life, they end up marrying someone 00:28:18.840 |
else and then you pass by them and you're like, "Oh, this is weird still." 00:28:28.680 |
We think about it in the here and now and what we want and how we would think relationships 00:28:33.760 |
But who's informing you about how relationships ought to look? 00:28:45.080 |
At what point, like, can we start distinguishing and drawing lines? 00:28:49.680 |
That's why the question has to be, "How can I make sure that I'm guarding my relationship 00:28:56.240 |
How can I best glorify God in my relationship with this person?" 00:28:59.800 |
Physical intimacy needs to be surrounded around that. 00:29:03.240 |
That's why when people come and say like, "Hey, tell me the boundaries I need to set." 00:29:07.000 |
I'll give you some examples of things that you can think about, but at the end of the 00:29:14.880 |
And so, honestly speaking, I shouldn't say it. 00:29:20.920 |
So some things might seem innocent, but I want to remind you guys not to fool yourselves 00:29:39.440 |
In Proverbs chapter five verse eight and in Proverbs chapter six, you get this kind of 00:29:43.720 |
like this Proverbs story about this man who keeps going past this house of a known prostitute. 00:29:51.120 |
And so he's like, maybe he's going to work or whatever. 00:29:53.120 |
And then what the Proverbs says is, "Make sure you don't go anywhere near the door of 00:29:59.560 |
The way we live is actually it's like, "Make sure we don't go through the door of that 00:30:04.800 |
But the Proverbs says, "Make sure to go nowhere near the door of that house." 00:30:08.880 |
And so the idea of it is like, if there's my work and here's that house, like this is 00:30:15.560 |
my way to work and every day, like first day I'm good. 00:30:18.760 |
Second day, like I'm still resisting temptation. 00:30:22.920 |
He's saying, go all the way around the room and take the back door into that work building. 00:30:31.000 |
This is how carefully you ought to guard your heart when it comes to physical intimacy and 00:30:38.760 |
In Proverbs 6, it says something along the lines of, "Can someone play with coals, live 00:30:44.680 |
Can someone play with fire and not be burned?" 00:30:47.360 |
Like in relationships, when it gets too physical, like, well, I don't, like we feel like our 00:30:54.840 |
They say like, "Oh, you're playing with fire. 00:31:04.240 |
Probably like over 95% of like couples that I've seen at a young age, like once they've 00:31:11.600 |
crossed boundaries, were able to like really, you know, do well. 00:31:32.160 |
Like if holding hands, if you're spending too much time and you really start feeling 00:31:38.040 |
this closeness with the person that is unhealthy, that shouldn't be given, like we think of 00:31:44.080 |
physical intimacy all the time, but you can emotionally give yourself to people. 00:31:49.560 |
And so if you feel that happening, then you ought to be aware of that. 00:31:54.640 |
If it starts feeling like a marriage, so people start doing that, right? 00:31:58.320 |
Like start sending Christmas cards out together. 00:32:05.440 |
Like when you go to weddings, like don't buy gifts together, just you and your girlfriend 00:32:20.600 |
I thought it was funny at first, and then I was like, "Ooh, this is weird." 00:32:25.200 |
It's just like when people were asking each other out, they were like proposing to each 00:32:29.440 |
And then one of my former students, they did like a photo shoot, and I was like, "Dude, 00:32:33.040 |
this is like an engagement photo shoot that they're doing. 00:32:37.280 |
And then lo and behold, you know what happens? 00:32:39.280 |
The whole like, "Oh, we were slow dancing at this thing, and then we just like fell 00:32:44.840 |
It's like, "Well, you guys were doing all the things before that, and so what did you 00:32:51.200 |
And then inevitably, the post-dance craze kind of like dissipates, and then they get 00:33:01.880 |
Breaks up the entire youth group, and you're just like, "Oh, brother." 00:33:15.900 |
The person talks to them, and all of a sudden, just the ferocious, jealous monster comes 00:33:21.500 |
out and wants to scream like a banshee because like this person is talking to your boyfriend 00:33:30.820 |
Like when you're sharing that person's time, that person is spending time in school and 00:33:35.980 |
in their small group and like in a job, and you're like, "But where's the time for me?" 00:33:41.340 |
Yeah, you guys have to work that out, but remember, that person does not belong to you. 00:33:45.420 |
These things are very difficult and stuff to work through, and if you guys have questions 00:33:49.900 |
about those things, you can talk to your small group leaders. 00:33:58.740 |
What does it mean when you say--what is love? 00:34:03.220 |
When a boy says to a girl or a girl says to a boy, "I love you," what is that? 00:34:09.500 |
I want to strongly encourage you guys not to throw around that phrase if you start dating. 00:34:15.300 |
Because love is actually--has everything to do--like if we're called to love as Christ 00:34:20.140 |
first love does, it has everything to do with commitment. 00:34:23.420 |
You are not sure yet if you're actually fully committing to that person, but we throw it 00:34:27.300 |
around because we want to make our feelings felt by that person. 00:34:35.980 |
In terms of emotional boundaries, be careful of curfew. 00:34:47.980 |
Like the reason why curfew is important is because late at night is when your guard is 00:34:54.500 |
I don't care if you say like, "You have no proof of this, Pastor Nathan." 00:34:57.660 |
I've just seen enough and I know enough that late at night, people do dumb things. 00:35:09.340 |
And so like if you're dating, that's why curfew is important. 00:35:16.260 |
Like don't be like, "Oh, well, we just broke it by five minutes today." 00:35:25.660 |
But what I'm saying is like what tends to happen is people set like curfews and like 00:35:30.300 |
these emotional boundaries and stuff, but they'll come up to that time where it's like 00:35:37.860 |
It's like 11 o'clock, they're like, "Oh, dang, we have a 20-minute ride home." 00:35:43.460 |
And so boundaries, that's why I label it boundless boundaries. 00:35:46.020 |
Like if you set a boundary, stick to the boundary. 00:35:48.020 |
Like if you know it's going to take 20 minutes to get home, then that needs to be a part 00:35:53.340 |
This is all, I say, very important in relationships. 00:35:59.860 |
I've heard of stories about where people would be like, "We don't get to hang out that much, 00:36:05.740 |
So you're laying in bed with the phone on your face, and then it sticks to your ear 00:36:15.540 |
There's a whole joke of like, "Oh, you hang up. 00:36:22.540 |
Just set a time limit and be like, "Hey, this is what happened." 00:36:30.380 |
Enjoy the time and then say like, "Hey, let's hang up." 00:36:41.380 |
If you see any of these in the other person or in yourself, this is like, "Meh, meh, meh." 00:36:48.900 |
If you see obsessive stuff going on, if they're trying to manipulate you with their words 00:36:55.380 |
and trying to make you feel guilty, if there's abuse, and obviously that's not just physical, 00:37:01.460 |
If you see any of these things, you know, first of all, that at least that person has 00:37:10.940 |
And you have to kind of pause, evaluate it, maybe break up, or maybe get some counsel 00:37:25.260 |
A lot of times we can start dating and think like, "Oh, this is how it's going to look." 00:37:28.740 |
And we have our whole life mapped out until the day we die. 00:37:33.020 |
Because when you start doing that, you start actually getting married in your mind and 00:37:41.300 |
Compromising is the road to destruction when it comes to boundaries. 00:37:47.380 |
If you break them, it doesn't mean shift the boundaries out more, like say like to accommodate 00:37:52.300 |
what we broke, but it should mean like we really have to buckle down on our boundaries. 00:37:56.940 |
And every once in a while, what you do is you kind of reevaluate boundaries and see 00:38:01.740 |
Because boundaries are to help you, not like hurt you. 00:38:13.580 |
I was standing behind Nick and Alisa the other day and I thought it was so funny because 00:38:22.500 |
That's right around like where Mina and I think it was where Mina and Brianna are sitting 00:38:27.140 |
and then they had like a space between them with a cell phone there. 00:38:44.220 |
You know, don't be the couple that disappears, that hangs out by themselves all the time. 00:38:52.500 |
If anything, that relationship should be used to come into the body and serve more and things 00:39:00.980 |
I know sometimes you want alone time with them and constructively you can do that, but 00:39:06.180 |
make sure that that is not how everything is. 00:39:13.940 |
Oh, with that, I guess beware of the awkwardness that comes. 00:39:21.060 |
Like we're a ministry and there's going to be awkwardness when two people start dating 00:39:25.260 |
because it changes the dynamic of relationships that already exist. 00:39:32.880 |
But I would say as much as possible, if you are the non-dating people and then people 00:39:37.540 |
start dating and like, oh, like we used to hang out with them and then it's kind of like 00:39:43.100 |
this and then like, but now like we don't know how to, like as a non-dating person, 00:39:49.780 |
You know, don't like always be making fun of them and things like that. 00:39:53.180 |
I like to make fun of people because it's just how I show my care. 00:39:55.940 |
But generally, like what you want to do is be encouraging of them. 00:40:02.320 |
Like ask them, like how's your relationship going and things like that. 00:40:07.200 |
Don't shun them because like it could become a two-front battle. 00:40:10.240 |
And then if you're the dating couple, really together insert yourself into the life of 00:40:15.880 |
existing relationships and groups that are here. 00:40:19.440 |
So I don't want like you to like always be sitting with your boyfriend/girlfriend, but 00:40:24.240 |
I also don't want you guys to always be separate, you know. 00:40:30.360 |
I would say bend towards spending more time away from each other in group settings, bend 00:40:38.760 |
But if you guys are never interacting with each other, you'll never figure out how to 00:40:50.420 |
That means tell your small group leader who you like. 00:41:06.440 |
If this is not the source, then you'll use the relationship to fill an idolatrous need 00:41:11.920 |
So beware of being consumed with finding someone. 00:41:16.920 |
Beware of constantly scoping, that wherever you go you're constantly looking for like 00:41:24.600 |
Instead really try to make Christ-centered relationships here in this ministry. 00:41:28.640 |
Beware of making lists in your mind or actual physical lists. 00:41:32.320 |
Like what's the deal breaker, you know, and all that kind of stuff. 00:41:43.080 |
Proverbs 3, 5-6 says, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your 00:41:47.160 |
In all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your path straight." 00:41:49.520 |
I think like as a practical application verse, I have probably recited this to myself more 00:41:56.040 |
than any other verse in scripture personally. 00:42:02.280 |
Maybe before you're dating and also while you're dating. 00:42:08.240 |
All relationships aren't going to look the same. 00:42:10.640 |
But there are going to be times where you think like, "Oh, this is the one I'm going 00:42:14.200 |
There's going to be times where you think there's no one going to be like her. 00:42:27.680 |
Like if you feel that, there's no one that's going to be like this person. 00:42:33.680 |
You think that as soon as you say that, what you've done is you've erected an idol, right? 00:42:45.080 |
Letter C, treat the relationship as what it truly is. 00:42:48.960 |
You're not married, so don't do married couple of things. 00:43:05.960 |
Even though we're saying that this isn't a marriage relationship, understand that like 00:43:11.320 |
If there's no movement, it's like what is the purpose of it? 00:43:20.520 |
By communication, I'm talking about make sure you guys are on the same page. 00:43:26.120 |
Don't sit down at like the 10th date and be like, "Hey, I want to propose at month eight, 00:43:34.120 |
and then I want us to get married at the year two mark." 00:43:37.240 |
And it's not like that kind of stuff, but just to make sure like to sit down and talk 00:43:46.680 |
To be able to say it and then realize like, "Ooh, that's not a good expectation. 00:43:52.680 |
And kind of shaping that together and working together on that. 00:43:57.880 |
Now I don't think you could do this one on your own. 00:44:00.080 |
I really don't think you could do this one on your own. 00:44:02.200 |
So what you need is someone older who knows you, who loves you and cares for you. 00:44:10.280 |
And then balance the act of growing and guarding. 00:44:14.080 |
If you could draw like two arrows that goes in a circle and a circle, growing, guarding, 00:44:17.320 |
growing, guarding, is what you want in a dating relationship. 00:44:22.680 |
Constantly guarding yourself, but there is some kind of movement and growth in that relationship. 00:44:29.720 |
Guarding equals accountability and intentionality. 00:44:31.920 |
That means accountability with people that are around you. 00:44:35.440 |
So again, it could be a small group leader, but I think you should be talking to your 00:44:40.720 |
If you're a small group and you have a dating guy or a dating girl in that group, really 00:44:47.920 |
And if you guys set up like, "Hey, can we hold you accountable to this?" 00:44:51.600 |
And then like whatever that accountability thing is, regularly kind of go into that. 00:44:57.960 |
And then intentionality also means within the relationship. 00:45:01.560 |
Within the relationship, you're setting up the boundaries and being intentional in everything 00:45:10.320 |
Find good accountability and then learn from your own past. 00:45:14.240 |
So if you guys have had like a dating past and you guys have made mistakes, maybe if 00:45:18.840 |
you even haven't dated, but you made mistakes in how you went about dealing with someone 00:45:27.600 |
But also learn from the mistakes others have made. 00:45:32.120 |
Listen and really think like don't discount other people's experiences. 00:45:35.800 |
At the end of the day, that's what counseling kind of becomes. 00:45:38.000 |
Yeah, the word of God, but many people, the counsel comes through the word forged in the 00:45:44.160 |
refining fire that happens in the person's heart and that comes down as experience. 00:45:51.000 |
And then lastly, if you do break up, break up with the love for God and others. 00:46:01.160 |
That means if you break up, make sure that it doesn't divide God's people. 00:46:05.920 |
It doesn't make or create this unity amongst God's people. 00:46:11.640 |
You'll know, you'll know if you dated well by how you break up. 00:46:17.360 |
If you date really, really well, then you'll get married. 00:46:25.520 |
Kissing, there's a book called Boy Meets Girl. 00:46:35.000 |
Now Joshua Harris later on came out and said like, "Oh, I wrote this when I was too young," 00:46:40.720 |
He was really young when he wrote it, but I think there are a lot of good principles 00:46:44.760 |
Holding hands, holding hearts is like a personal favorite. 00:46:48.040 |
I think that's a must, holding hands, holding hearts. 00:46:54.600 |
This one is like what I like to call like bathroom reading. 00:47:00.320 |
And so Letters to a Romantic, and they're really good. 00:47:07.040 |
In marriage, This Momentary Marriage by John Piper, When Sinners Say I Do by Dave Harvey, 00:47:16.320 |
Marriage Wisely, Marriage, oh, Marry Wisely, Marry Well by Ernie Baker. 00:47:22.200 |
That one's a little bit more filled with scripture. 00:47:25.240 |
So if you want like a lot of scripture guidance, that's a good one. 00:47:28.520 |
For Men, Disciplines of a Godly Man, become a godly man before you date. 00:47:33.280 |
And then An Exemplary Husband, that one rocked me as a college student by Stuart Scott. 00:47:38.060 |
For Women, Excellent Wife, that's the companion book to Exemplary Husband. 00:47:45.160 |
A Lies Woman Believe by Nancy DeMoss, and then Disciplines of a Godly Woman by Barbara 00:47:52.520 |
If you have any desire to just study more on your own and just think about things a 00:47:56.960 |
little bit more, you guys can pick up some of those books. 00:48:05.760 |
And what we're going to do is I'm going to give you guys up until 4.30 to message me 00:48:11.760 |
questions and/or go to the bathroom and get snacks and stuff, okay? 00:48:16.800 |
And from 4.30 to 5, I'm going to cut it at 5 because I said 2 to 5. 00:48:29.440 |
So go ahead and send me those and then you guys are kind of dismissed for the next seven