Is Sexual Pleasure Essential for Marriage?

00:00:00.000 | (upbeat music)

00:00:02.580 | Welcome to the Ask Pastor John Podcast.

00:00:07.000 | We close out the week with two important questions

00:00:08.800 | we commonly receive on the topic of marital intimacy.

00:00:12.920 | And they are, of course, intended for a mature audience.

00:00:17.120 | The first question comes from Kyle in Kansas City.

00:00:20.100 | He has a follow-up question.

00:00:21.200 | Dear Pastor John, my question is a follow-up

00:00:23.000 | to episode number 475.

00:00:25.280 | Is sexual attraction essential for marriage?

00:00:28.120 | There you said no.

00:00:29.840 | So if sexual attraction is not essential to marriage,

00:00:32.600 | why does it seem so essential to the Song of Solomon?

00:00:35.720 | It sure wouldn't be much of a song

00:00:37.800 | if you took out everything in it

00:00:39.120 | that has to do with physical pleasure, now would it?

00:00:42.720 | Pastor John, what do you have to say

00:00:44.320 | to Kyle from Kansas City?

00:00:46.280 | So let's clarify the question I was answering.

00:00:49.400 | I mean, that's true.

00:00:50.240 | Yeah, all right, good question.

00:00:51.720 | Let's clarify what I was answering.

00:00:54.840 | The question I was answering was not, is sex essential?

00:00:59.320 | But is sexual attraction essential for marriage?

00:01:03.200 | I answered no for cultural reason and physical reasons.

00:01:07.480 | Culturally and historically, lots of true marriages

00:01:09.800 | have been put together by parents

00:01:12.560 | without the physical desire being there at the beginning

00:01:15.800 | for the couple, arranged marriages.

00:01:18.400 | Physically, there are seasons of life as you grow older

00:01:22.400 | where those pleasures rise and fall, come and go.

00:01:25.800 | If you said that sexual attraction were the essence,

00:01:29.400 | then aging would be the gradual end of marriage,

00:01:32.160 | which it isn't.

00:01:33.960 | Some of the greatest glories, I think,

00:01:36.000 | happen in marriage in the absence of sexual desire.

00:01:41.000 | So let's clarify then what I am saying

00:01:47.080 | and what I'm not saying when I say sexual pleasure

00:01:52.080 | is not part of the essence of marriage.

00:01:55.680 | What I'm saying is that marriage really exists without it.

00:02:00.680 | The absence of pleasure in sexual relations

00:02:04.080 | does not make a marriage no longer a marriage.

00:02:08.720 | The Bible mandate for sexual relations is there,

00:02:13.120 | 1 Corinthians 7, 3,

00:02:16.080 | but even lengthy interruptions do not turn marriage

00:02:20.880 | into something other than marriage,

00:02:22.840 | as when a husband or wife is in prison for 10, 20 years,

00:02:27.120 | or when seafarers went on a two-year whaling expedition.

00:02:32.120 | That's what I am saying.

00:02:34.800 | Marriage is still marriage when pleasures rise and fall,

00:02:39.800 | can be expressed, cannot be expressed,

00:02:43.040 | or when they completely disappear,

00:02:46.120 | which happens sometimes for purely physiological reasons.

00:02:50.600 | A real marriage, indeed a happy one,

00:02:53.560 | can exist when those pleasures are not part of the joy.

00:02:57.400 | Now what I'm not saying,

00:02:58.760 | and this is what Kyle picked up on, I hope.

00:03:02.000 | I mean, he may not have picked up on it.

00:03:04.160 | Now I hope he will.

00:03:05.560 | What I'm not saying is that the Song of Solomon

00:03:10.560 | can be the Song of Solomon without sexual pleasure.

00:03:14.840 | The Song of Solomon, he said,

00:03:16.960 | wouldn't be much of a song if you took out everything in it

00:03:21.440 | that has to do with sexual pleasure.

00:03:23.000 | That is absolutely right.

00:03:25.760 | It is an utterly sensual song.

00:03:29.760 | It is a lavish celebration of God's gift

00:03:33.920 | of sexual pleasure in marriage.

00:03:35.840 | I'm glad it's in the Bible.

00:03:38.280 | So what I'm not saying is,

00:03:40.880 | if something is not essential to marriage,

00:03:44.280 | it can't be hugely important and spectacularly wonderful.

00:03:49.280 | Too many negatives in that sentence.

00:03:50.680 | Let me try again.

00:03:51.880 | I'll say it this way.

00:03:52.760 | If something is not essential to marriage,

00:03:56.720 | it may still be hugely important

00:04:00.700 | and spectacularly wonderful.

00:04:02.820 | So Kyle is right.

00:04:04.840 | If you take away sexual pleasure from the Song of Solomon,

00:04:09.760 | it is no longer a celebration of sexual pleasure.

00:04:13.640 | And I'm not in any way commending

00:04:16.520 | pleasure absent sexual relations.

00:04:20.080 | I regard such experiences as a very sad reality

00:04:24.500 | that some must live with.

00:04:26.920 | The loss of sexual pleasure in marriage is not the ideal.

00:04:31.460 | It's not the goal.

00:04:33.560 | In fact, let's take it a little further.

00:04:37.000 | Since God designed marriage in its one flesh union

00:04:42.600 | to be a parable, a drama of his relationship to the church

00:04:47.440 | and the church to him,

00:04:49.400 | the absence of deeply loving pleasure

00:04:54.080 | in the act of one flesh union

00:04:56.520 | is less than the complete drama

00:05:00.240 | of the intensity of the joy between Christ and his church.

00:05:04.120 | I mean, it is amazing to me to think

00:05:06.360 | that God knew exactly what he was doing

00:05:11.560 | in creating sex as part of marriage

00:05:15.600 | and all of its exquisite pleasures.

00:05:18.960 | And he had in mind Christ in the church

00:05:21.160 | when he did it back in the beginning.

00:05:23.320 | We know that from Ephesians 5, 32 and so on.

00:05:27.520 | So even though marriage can exist without this pleasure,

00:05:32.080 | yes, it can, it's not of the essence,

00:05:35.960 | nevertheless, the fullest and most complete portrayal

00:05:41.080 | of the ultimate meaning of marriage

00:05:42.920 | is not possible without that pleasure.

00:05:45.440 | You can have a real marriage

00:05:48.040 | that is an imperfect portrayal of Christ and his church.

00:05:53.040 | But Song of Solomon is right

00:05:56.320 | to celebrate sexual pleasure in marriage

00:05:58.480 | because one of the reasons

00:06:01.040 | that sexual pleasure in marriage is so wonderful

00:06:03.960 | and so important is because it completes the picture

00:06:08.440 | of how intense the pleasures of knowing Christ

00:06:12.920 | will be forever.

00:06:14.640 | So conclusion, no, it's not essential,

00:06:19.160 | but yes, staggeringly important and wonderful.

00:06:24.160 | Thank you, Pastor John,

00:06:26.640 | and thank you for the follow-up question, Kyle.

00:06:28.360 | And behind this episode was episode number 475,

00:06:31.200 | is sexual attraction essential for marriage?

00:06:34.280 | You can find that in the podcast archive.

00:06:36.600 | And if you have a question for Pastor John,

00:06:38.240 | he'd like to hear it.

00:06:39.080 | Keep it short, keep it to the point,

00:06:40.760 | and send it to us via email

00:06:42.720 | at askpastorjohn@desiringgod.org.

00:06:45.960 | Tomorrow we close out the week

00:06:47.320 | with yet another follow-up question from episode 475.

00:06:51.200 | I'm your host, Tony Reinke.

00:06:52.040 | We'll see you then.

00:06:52.920 | (upbeat music)

00:06:55.500 | (upbeat music)

00:06:58.080 | [BLANK_AUDIO]

Is Sexual Pleasure Essential for Marriage?

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