Parenting Young Children Through Life’s Pains
00:00:00.000 | Well, how do we shepherd small children through the pains of life?
00:00:08.280 | The question comes to us from a mom in Baltimore named Taylor.
00:00:12.000 | She writes, "Hello, Pastor John.
00:00:13.120 | My husband and I have been deeply encouraged and greatly challenged by this podcast and
00:00:16.860 | through all the Desiring God resources.
00:00:19.020 | Thank you.
00:00:20.020 | I just started your new book, Providence, and it is stirring my heart with great affection
00:00:23.280 | toward our God.
00:00:25.120 | Thank you for helping to align my emotions through your writings with the reality that
00:00:29.160 | is ours.
00:00:30.680 | This past fall, my husband was in a serious car accident.
00:00:34.260 | He walked away from it with just a concussion, but our car was totaled.
00:00:39.460 | When we shared this with our three-year-old in an age-appropriate way, he was greatly
00:00:43.800 | affected by this, even angered.
00:00:46.760 | We tried to explain how God had allowed this and protected Daddy through his providence,
00:00:51.100 | but he had two responses asking when God will "make Daddy dead" and showing anger towards
00:00:57.720 | God and wanting to "beat him up."
00:01:01.920 | How would you explain suffering in light of God's providence to a toddler and help him
00:01:06.960 | to love God more for it?
00:01:11.000 | There are two principles that need to be taken into account when choosing what to say to
00:01:17.920 | a particular audience or child, what to say about God.
00:01:23.760 | One principle is whether they are open and mature enough to understand the truth, and
00:01:30.840 | the other principle is whether we have spoken the truth clearly and boldly enough so that
00:01:37.720 | a real judgment can be formed about it.
00:01:41.560 | Two passages of Scripture relate to that first principle.
00:01:46.800 | Jesus said, "Do not give dogs what is holy, and do not throw your pearls before pigs,
00:01:53.120 | lest they trample them underfoot and turn to attack you."
00:01:57.600 | I'm not saying you should think of your three-year-old as a dog or a pig, although his responses
00:02:07.080 | were the kind of responses Jesus had in mind when he gave that principle, "I'm gonna beat
00:02:12.440 | God up."
00:02:13.440 | Rather, the point is, there are audiences or children that are so spring-loaded to reject
00:02:23.560 | the truth that Jesus warns us not to bring reproach on the truth by having it trampled
00:02:30.520 | under their feet.
00:02:32.760 | Your three-year-old may show himself to have such an attitude towards God's providence
00:02:37.800 | that you should measure your teaching by what he can hear.
00:02:43.880 | You don't substitute falsehood for truth.
00:02:46.560 | You simply decide how much and when you can share.
00:02:50.680 | The other passage is 1 Corinthians 3, 1-3, "I, brothers, could not address you as spiritual
00:02:57.560 | people but as people of the flesh, as infants in Christ.
00:03:02.800 | I fed you with milk, not solid food, for you were not ready for it, and even now you are
00:03:08.640 | not ready, for you are still of the flesh.
00:03:12.800 | For while there's jealousy and strife among you, are you not of the flesh and behaving
00:03:17.480 | only in a human way?"
00:03:20.680 | Here the problem is not with swinishness, but immaturity.
00:03:25.800 | I could not address you as spiritual people but as infants.
00:03:30.600 | So that's the first principle.
00:03:32.700 | Use the audience or the person, the child, open enough, mature enough to receive the
00:03:41.360 | particular truth you're talking about.
00:03:43.360 | Here's the second principle, namely, whether we have spoken the doctrine clearly and boldly
00:03:50.280 | enough so that the people have a real sense of its truth and worth and beauty.
00:03:59.160 | Paul says, 2 Corinthians 4, verse 2, "We have renounced disgraceful, underhanded ways.
00:04:07.740 | We refuse to practice cunning or tamper with God's Word, but by an open statement of the
00:04:14.580 | truth, we commend ourselves to everyone's conscience in the sight of God."
00:04:20.180 | An open statement of the truth.
00:04:23.300 | That's what's needed for a clear grasp of the doctrine and a sense that it is good and
00:04:30.620 | wise and just and beautiful.
00:04:33.300 | So you can see how this is almost the exact opposite of the first principle.
00:04:38.700 | In that case, we might say too much, and in the second case, we might say too little or
00:04:46.380 | hedge the truth a bit.
00:04:49.980 | Now what I have in mind in this second case, the second principle, is perhaps being so
00:04:57.260 | cautious or so hesitating or so qualifying in our talk about God's sovereignty that a
00:05:06.740 | child may pick up in the way things are explained or the tone of voice that mom and dad are
00:05:17.420 | not exactly excited or joyful about God's providence.
00:05:23.540 | The child may hear in the explanation a kind of permission not to like this doctrine.
00:05:31.140 | A lot of people talk that way about God.
00:05:34.440 | They are so ready to excuse anger at God that they talk about his sovereignty as though
00:05:42.660 | it actually invites anger.
00:05:45.340 | I think anger at God is always wrong.
00:05:49.300 | Always.
00:05:51.140 | If you feel it, of course you should say it.
00:05:55.340 | But to feel anger at God is sinful.
00:05:58.520 | So I don't think our tone of voice or the way we talk about God's providence should
00:06:04.940 | sound like it invites disapproval.
00:06:08.380 | I don't know which of these two principles—say less, say more—should govern these parents
00:06:13.600 | right at this moment with this child.
00:06:16.200 | But I'm very surprised that a three-year-old feels free to talk about beating God up.
00:06:24.420 | It surely sounds like God has been presented to him in a way that God is too small, too
00:06:32.460 | human-like.
00:06:33.460 | But I'm not there, and I can't say with any certainty.
00:06:40.100 | So what about the last part of the question?
00:06:43.460 | How would you explain God's providence to a toddler and help him to love God more for
00:06:49.580 | his providence?
00:06:51.460 | Four suggestions.
00:06:52.460 | First, tell him stories that illustrate how bad things often are God's wise and merciful
00:07:02.600 | way of doing good to us.
00:07:05.100 | For example, I know several stories where a serious injury happened to a person, and
00:07:12.420 | it was the way the doctors found the cancer in the lacerated leg, which enabled the doctors
00:07:20.860 | to start therapy, which saved the person's life.
00:07:24.460 | And then you can teach the child that's always true.
00:07:27.700 | It's always true when bad things happen to God's children.
00:07:32.380 | He always does good through them, even if we can't see it.
00:07:39.460 | Another example is when you go to the doctor, he pokes at you, or go to the dentist, he
00:07:44.380 | drills on you, or a doctor cuts you to have surgery to save your life.
00:07:49.380 | He hurts you to save you.
00:07:51.380 | The doctor's always doing that for our good.
00:07:55.500 | So you tell those stories to children to build in the truth that they can grasp bad things,
00:08:02.540 | hurtful things, painful things are not unloving things from God.
00:08:07.660 | They can get that very early.
00:08:10.020 | Second suggestion, weave into your teaching again and again the passages that say suffering
00:08:17.140 | is necessary for Christians and designed by God.
00:08:21.660 | Teach a child that suffering is normal, not exceptional for Christians.
00:08:27.780 | Matthew 5.12, 24.9, John 15.20, Romans 5.3, James 1.2, 1.12, 1 Peter 1.6, 1 Peter 4.12,
00:08:37.540 | and on and on and on.
00:08:40.020 | Saturate your kids with this doctrine.
00:08:43.100 | Third, related to that second suggestion, teach your child that we are sinners and that
00:08:49.980 | we don't deserve anything good from God.
00:08:54.300 | The surprising thing in the world of rebels like us is not pain.
00:09:00.420 | The surprising thing is pleasure.
00:09:03.380 | God is super overabundant good to his creation, giving us better than we deserve every day
00:09:11.740 | all the time, better than we deserve.
00:09:14.820 | In fact, everybody gets better than they deserve once you understand the nature of sin.
00:09:22.060 | God is never unjust in the suffering of this world, never.
00:09:28.020 | We don't deserve better than we get, ever.
00:09:31.580 | We always deserve worse than we get.
00:09:35.300 | Every good thing is grace, grace, grace.
00:09:39.220 | Teach a child grace as undeserved favor.
00:09:44.700 | Strip a child of all sense of entitlement before God.
00:09:49.580 | Finally, point the child over and over again to the cross of Christ, where the worst suffering
00:09:56.680 | happened in the world, and explain how the death of his son was planned by God.
00:10:05.660 | Acts 4.27, Isaiah 53, 4-10.
00:10:10.440 | This is where the child will see how bad his own sin is, because when he asks, "Mommy,
00:10:19.820 | Daddy, why would God do that to his own son?"
00:10:26.100 | The answer is that Mommy's and Daddy's sin and your sin is that bad and takes that
00:10:35.820 | much suffering and love from God.
00:10:40.640 | I think if those four suggestions are followed, children will be more able to submit to God's
00:10:49.000 | providence and feel thankful for everything that God turns for good.
00:10:56.000 | Thank you, Pastor John.
00:10:57.960 | And thank you for the question, Taylor.
00:10:59.640 | Parenting raises so many questions, so many challenging questions.
00:11:02.920 | And if you have one that we can help out with, send it to us at desiringgod.org/askpastorjohn.
00:11:09.360 | On our homepage, you'll see a little link there to send us an email to send us your
00:11:13.240 | question.
00:11:14.240 | Well, can a perfect man, a perfect man who never sinned and who never struggled with
00:11:19.320 | ongoing sin habits, can he truly feel and know the power of temptation?
00:11:23.840 | That's a debate when it comes to Christ.
00:11:26.920 | Can he really sympathize with us if he never tasted the pleasures of sin himself?
00:11:31.760 | It's a great question, and we will work toward an answer when we return on Wednesday.
00:11:36.720 | I'm your host, Tony Reinke.
00:11:37.720 | We'll see you then.
00:11:38.720 | [END]
00:11:39.220 | (Music plays)
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