Lecture 11: Marriage and Family Counseling

00:00:00.000 | [ Silence ]

00:00:06.040 | Let's pick up here and we got to polish off the last part

00:00:09.320 | of this, the process dynamics in this hour.

00:00:13.480 | And I'm not going to spend a long time on this

00:00:16.480 | but the last thing has to do with P. In our series,

00:00:21.640 | remember a few weeks ago, the last letter in the acrostic is P

00:00:29.640 | to promote or permanentize.

00:00:31.560 | What are the necessary changes through the counseling elements

00:00:34.320 | of instruction, inducement, implementation, integration

00:00:37.560 | that we referred to several weeks ago as the eight I's.

00:00:40.840 | So instruction that is given through the homework

00:00:44.400 | that counselees do between the sessions.

00:00:47.720 | Sometimes you can give good instruction

00:00:50.800 | by giving really good homework.

00:00:52.960 | What are the benefits of that particular homework?

00:00:55.240 | Well, what it does is that it promotes the concept

00:01:00.560 | that people should be concerned

00:01:01.720 | about God's perspectives and solutions.

00:01:04.760 | It promotes the concept of that people should be concerned

00:01:11.920 | about God's perspectives and solutions, not just man.

00:01:15.960 | So your homework needs to always be biblically oriented.

00:01:21.800 | That doesn't mean you can't assign books

00:01:23.600 | that are extra biblical books.

00:01:26.040 | Hopefully they're based upon the Bible to read but primarily

00:01:30.480 | at the core of your homework, you're getting people

00:01:32.480 | into the Word of God, finding answers

00:01:34.840 | within the Word of God, that's our desire.

00:01:37.680 | It is also a way of teaching people how to use scriptures,

00:01:42.680 | teaching people how to use scriptures,

00:01:45.120 | how to handle them well.

00:01:47.800 | You'll find out a lot about your congregation

00:01:49.840 | and how they handle scripture by the homework that they do.

00:01:52.600 | It also sets a pattern for change and for action

00:01:57.480 | and change as well because as they complete their homework,

00:02:01.920 | they realize that the change is not just going

00:02:04.520 | to occur during one hour a week when you counsel

00:02:08.280 | because there are a lot of people who view

00:02:09.560 | that hour as magic hour of the week, all right.

00:02:12.440 | Well, I'm going to come together for the magic hour of the week.

00:02:14.480 | We've got counseling that hour.

00:02:16.640 | That's where I really change and grow.

00:02:18.160 | Well, they may change and grow during your counseling

00:02:20.240 | but when you give them homework, you're helping them

00:02:23.960 | understand that that change continues past

00:02:27.360 | outside of the counseling hour into the actual week itself.

00:02:32.120 | They can continue that change and growth.

00:02:35.160 | It also diminishes professional counselees.

00:02:39.880 | There are some people that would spend the rest

00:02:41.480 | of their life just meeting with you, you know that.

00:02:44.060 | They would, they would eat up all your time.

00:02:46.040 | No, no, no, you don't want that.

00:02:48.320 | Again, they may cling to your hope at first

00:02:50.360 | but you need to peel their fingers off of you

00:02:52.440 | and have them cling to the scriptures.

00:02:55.040 | And so you want to get them into the scriptures,

00:02:57.340 | solving problems in the scripture their way.

00:03:00.160 | Husbands, wives, parents, kids,

00:03:03.960 | that's what needs to be happening.

00:03:05.880 | So it diminishes the professional counselee.

00:03:09.560 | Homework also is a helpful means of gathering data.

00:03:13.400 | If they do their homework poorly

00:03:16.480 | or if they do it only partially,

00:03:19.880 | that tells you a lot about them, how lazy they are.

00:03:22.320 | There's so many other things going on in life.

00:03:24.500 | They're not really working on this particular problem.

00:03:26.520 | They want to come and talk about their problem

00:03:28.560 | and they want you to give them

00:03:30.960 | some kind of magical solution.

00:03:32.920 | And they may think that because you've had seminary training

00:03:36.120 | that you're automatically equipped

00:03:37.880 | with a bag of spiritual whiffle dust

00:03:40.180 | where you can dig into it and sprinkle it on their problem

00:03:42.440 | and all their problems will go away.

00:03:43.680 | No, that's not what happens here.

00:03:47.320 | They've got to be willing to work on their problems.

00:03:50.660 | And giving them homework and gathering data

00:03:52.640 | on how well they're doing the homework,

00:03:54.520 | homework helps to,

00:03:57.120 | it serves as a way to

00:04:02.720 | gather data on how well they're growing.

00:04:08.760 | Good homework then also tends to sustain motivation

00:04:13.760 | or momentum in the right direction

00:04:17.800 | as they do their homework and keep record of it

00:04:21.680 | and move on to bigger issues

00:04:25.120 | and resolve it in a God-honoring way.

00:04:28.860 | It also, good homework encourages concreteness.

00:04:32.120 | The more specific you can get your counselees to be,

00:04:37.120 | the more concrete you can get them to be,

00:04:39.720 | the quicker you're gonna see change.

00:04:41.280 | Jeff?

00:04:42.320 | >> It's a question back to number five.

00:04:43.800 | >> Yeah, number five.

00:04:45.280 | >> Gathering data, like if they don't do their homework,

00:04:48.600 | what's your philosophy?

00:04:49.560 | How many times do they have to come to you?

00:04:51.720 | >> Oh yeah. >> Not doing their homework.

00:04:53.060 | >> If they don't do their homework.

00:04:54.800 | When a person doesn't do their homework,

00:04:58.780 | the first time that happens, I'll reassign everything again.

00:05:01.780 | I'll say, hey, we're not gonna go anywhere

00:05:04.360 | until you get this done.

00:05:06.200 | So I'll reassign it.

00:05:07.140 | They come back and they still don't have it done,

00:05:09.700 | then I'll reassign it one more time,

00:05:11.120 | but I'll let 'em know this is the last time

00:05:12.960 | because they're basically saying,

00:05:14.120 | they can communicate to me verbally

00:05:17.080 | that they're really serious about counseling,

00:05:18.560 | but they're showing to me they're really not.

00:05:21.140 | Or they disagree with the homework in some way,

00:05:23.520 | and either they're gonna trust you as a counselor

00:05:26.520 | or they're not gonna trust you.

00:05:28.080 | If you're showing them from God's word

00:05:31.680 | what they ought to be doing, then they should trust you.

00:05:36.120 | If they don't want to trust you,

00:05:37.120 | well then that's their choice.

00:05:38.640 | So then you terminate it.

00:05:45.400 | And sometimes, one of the last appointments,

00:05:49.320 | after the second or third time

00:05:50.480 | they haven't done their homework,

00:05:51.360 | then I'll say to them, listen,

00:05:52.860 | I'm gonna send you home with this homework one more time.

00:05:57.640 | I don't want to see you.

00:05:58.460 | I'm not gonna set up a future appointment with you

00:05:59.960 | until you've done the homework.

00:06:01.920 | When you've done the homework, you call back,

00:06:04.080 | set up an appointment again, and we'll meet with you.

00:06:09.080 | But until that homework's done, I don't want to see you.

00:06:11.720 | That's a good question.

00:06:15.280 | All right, it also functions as a measuring stick

00:06:18.360 | on how quickly they're growing, how well they're growing.

00:06:25.200 | You're able to measure how well they understand

00:06:28.600 | what the Bible says about their particular problem,

00:06:31.000 | how well they handle the Bible

00:06:32.960 | in dealing with their problems.

00:06:35.480 | So it functions as a measuring stick.

00:06:42.080 | It also decreases the counselee's dependence upon you.

00:06:46.520 | The more they do their homework,

00:06:47.720 | the more active they become in the word of God,

00:06:50.720 | the less dependent they are on you and your counsel.

00:06:54.500 | Homework also provides a good starting point

00:06:58.240 | for every counseling appointment.

00:07:01.400 | In fact, the first thing that happens

00:07:04.400 | every time I do counseling is a couple

00:07:07.480 | or a family comes in and sits down.

00:07:09.500 | I say to them, let's have prayer, and then we'll get started.

00:07:12.680 | So we have prayer together, and then first thing I say,

00:07:16.300 | I open up my little notes that I'm keeping,

00:07:18.820 | and then it's a copy of the homework that I gave them

00:07:21.440 | during the last session, and I start going

00:07:23.960 | through the homework and talking about it.

00:07:26.320 | All right, I assigned you this particular passage

00:07:29.480 | of scripture to read and study and identify

00:07:31.640 | four or five major things in that passage

00:07:34.200 | that kind of hit you right between the eyes,

00:07:36.080 | and what does God say about your problem

00:07:39.040 | as a result of this passage?

00:07:40.920 | And I ask you to write those four or five things down.

00:07:43.520 | So they've done that, I check that off.

00:07:46.120 | We have a chance to discuss that,

00:07:47.400 | and then I move to the next thing, and then the next thing.

00:07:50.440 | So that's a good place to get started.

00:07:52.080 | That gets everything rolling.

00:07:53.700 | That gets the conversation going, you know,

00:07:56.720 | and then I just naturally transition

00:08:00.960 | into other instruction that I want to give them

00:08:02.720 | during that session.

00:08:03.720 | It also, you'll find out, when you get your counselees

00:08:07.920 | used to doing good homework, and they achieve

00:08:10.280 | some success in it, it actually builds their confidence

00:08:13.460 | in how to solve problems biblically,

00:08:16.480 | and that's what you want.

00:08:18.900 | You want to build their confidence, not self-confidence.

00:08:23.960 | We're not talking about that.

00:08:25.400 | We're not Adlerian.

00:08:27.520 | We're not talking about self-esteem and self-confidence.

00:08:30.360 | We're not talking about what Jim Dobson

00:08:31.980 | would talk about there.

00:08:33.360 | We're talking about confidence, not in self,

00:08:37.840 | but in the word of God to solve their problems.

00:08:41.120 | They see how the Bible speaks to their problem.

00:08:44.260 | Before, they didn't see it.

00:08:45.320 | Now, they do, and it builds the counselees' confidence

00:08:49.720 | in the scriptures.

00:08:51.200 | Number 12, there's a failure, then, in the homework

00:08:55.260 | provides an opportunity for more data gathering.

00:08:58.320 | Why have they failed?

00:09:00.000 | Is there a legitimate reason?

00:09:01.700 | Did you give them too much homework?

00:09:07.280 | Maybe you did, and sometimes you have to realize

00:09:09.280 | you have to back off.

00:09:10.460 | If you have a counselee that's not a real good reader,

00:09:16.600 | never really done a whole lot of work before

00:09:20.960 | in studying the Bible, you don't want to give them

00:09:23.640 | a whole lot, just a little bit.

00:09:25.640 | You can easily overwhelm them and drown them in homework,

00:09:30.540 | and that's not good.

00:09:32.480 | This becomes a opportunity for good data gathering.

00:09:45.640 | It also forces your counselee to implement

00:09:48.580 | and practice the truths that you're talking about

00:09:50.620 | in counseling.

00:09:52.860 | In other words, they have to take this home with them.

00:09:54.820 | They have to work on it.

00:09:55.740 | That's why it's called homework.

00:09:57.340 | So, they have to take it home and practice it now.

00:10:01.100 | So, it forces them to do that.

00:10:07.640 | 14, problem-solving book now for the future.

00:10:13.340 | In other words, I always have the counselee

00:10:16.300 | keep a record of all their homework in a notebook

00:10:21.060 | so that if this problem that we're working on

00:10:24.540 | comes back later on in the future,

00:10:27.000 | they have a resource manual to go back to

00:10:29.180 | and say, all right, this is what we worked on.

00:10:31.500 | This is what we studied.

00:10:32.540 | This is what we learned.

00:10:34.020 | So, they don't always have to come back to you

00:10:37.140 | and start up the counseling again.

00:10:38.840 | So, it becomes a good resource manual for them.

00:10:43.100 | A personalized, by the way, that's what makes it so neat.

00:10:46.740 | It's a personalized resource manual

00:10:49.540 | for their particular problem.

00:10:52.080 | Boy, I've had some counselees have a notebook

00:10:57.340 | that thick when they were done.

00:10:59.580 | I mean, they just page after page after page

00:11:03.020 | of Bible study, work, observations,

00:11:05.920 | dah, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah.

00:11:08.420 | And when you have a personalized manual or workbook

00:11:13.420 | on a problem that they've struggled with all of their life,

00:11:17.540 | now they've got something concrete

00:11:19.300 | to take with them into the future.

00:11:21.000 | So, it's a problem-solving book for the future.

00:11:26.420 | 15, and last of all, it provides people with tools

00:11:29.900 | for use with other people.

00:11:31.640 | Most people who keep this kind of a workbook

00:11:37.220 | will end up using it with other people.

00:11:41.860 | In fact, the real danger is they'll interpret

00:11:43.580 | everybody's problems through their problems.

00:11:47.000 | That's dangerous.

00:11:48.340 | That's not a good thing, but there probably is

00:11:51.940 | an awful lot of things that they learned

00:11:53.980 | as a result of their problem that are applicable

00:11:56.180 | to a variety of different issues that are out there

00:11:59.220 | from a scriptural standpoint.

00:12:01.820 | So, there's all the benefits of providing

00:12:06.220 | really, really good homework

00:12:08.900 | that is beneficial to the counselee.

00:12:11.480 | Now, what is the nature of good homework?

00:12:16.300 | Well, you gotta have, it's gotta be biblical

00:12:20.680 | in orientation as well as function.

00:12:23.240 | What do we mean by that?

00:12:26.620 | It needs to, well, it actually,

00:12:32.040 | at the core of all good homework is, like I said,

00:12:36.080 | getting people into the Word of God,

00:12:38.960 | solving their problems from scripture,

00:12:42.360 | where they see it, they study it,

00:12:44.860 | they understand it correctly.

00:12:47.120 | They see it within context.

00:12:48.420 | They're not trying to pull it out of context.

00:12:52.960 | They see the theological implications to it,

00:12:55.720 | and they're changing their life in accordance with that.

00:12:58.120 | That's what we mean by that.

00:12:59.520 | Good homework also is specific concrete.

00:13:04.800 | It's not vague and fuzzy.

00:13:06.200 | Get them out of fuzzy land.

00:13:12.760 | Get them out of Vaguesville.

00:13:15.180 | The more you allow your counselee to be fuzzy or vague,

00:13:20.180 | the slower their development will be.

00:13:25.240 | The more concrete and specific about it,

00:13:29.160 | let me give you an instance.

00:13:31.020 | Like, for instance, you'll ask a husband and wife

00:13:35.620 | is having problems, and they come back in,

00:13:38.020 | and you start to review their homework,

00:13:39.880 | and you say, listen, George,

00:13:41.260 | what is it that you've learned this week

00:13:43.420 | in order to be a more godly husband?

00:13:45.440 | George says, well, pastor,

00:13:49.100 | I've learned to love my wife more.

00:13:53.020 | Well, that's really good, George, but what does that mean?

00:13:58.740 | Does that mean, when most American Europeans

00:14:01.520 | talk about loving their wife more,

00:14:03.860 | it usually means emoting lots of good emotions towards her.

00:14:08.860 | So is that what you're gonna do?

00:14:10.060 | You're gonna go home every day and sit there and,

00:14:12.180 | mmm, and emote lots of good emotions towards your wife?

00:14:16.620 | Is that what you're gonna do, George?

00:14:18.420 | No, I got a feeling that's not what you're looking for.

00:14:23.780 | You're right, George, that's not what I'm looking for.

00:14:26.260 | Okay, what does that mean,

00:14:30.460 | you're gonna love your wife more?

00:14:32.100 | I'm gonna think of her first.

00:14:35.140 | Well, how are you gonna think of her first?

00:14:40.580 | Well, maybe I'll help her out

00:14:43.460 | with some of the responsibilities around the house.

00:14:46.740 | Well, that's good, George, like what?

00:14:48.880 | Let's be specific here.

00:14:50.820 | What are we talking about, helping your wife out

00:14:52.980 | with some of the responsibilities around the house?

00:14:55.540 | I guess I could take out the garbage.

00:15:01.520 | Does your wife take out the garbage, George?

00:15:03.500 | Well, I guess she does.

00:15:05.100 | Well, why is that happening?

00:15:06.600 | You ought to be doing it, right?

00:15:10.420 | Oh, I guess so.

00:15:12.060 | Anything else, George?

00:15:15.980 | Is taking out the garbage gonna communicate

00:15:17.780 | that you love your wife?

00:15:18.980 | She's sitting there, smiling, like this.

00:15:24.080 | George hasn't taken out the garbage ever in their marriage.

00:15:29.540 | Well, I guess I could help her out after meals

00:15:34.380 | and maybe even wash the dishes.

00:15:37.200 | Now his wife's having a heart attack.

00:15:39.460 | [panting]

00:15:40.620 | She's hyperventilating, okay?

00:15:43.260 | That's good, George, that's right.

00:15:44.660 | That's a good way to show your wife

00:15:46.380 | that you really love her.

00:15:49.020 | What else, George?

00:15:50.180 | Well, I'm not gonna throw my clothes and underwear

00:15:54.140 | all over the bedroom.

00:15:55.500 | Well, that's good, where are you gonna put 'em, George?

00:15:58.540 | In the laundry.

00:15:59.380 | Well, what's gonna happen to that laundry?

00:16:01.720 | Well, my wife's gonna wash 'em.

00:16:04.020 | Why's your wife gotta wash 'em?

00:16:05.580 | You want me to wash 'em, Pastor?

00:16:09.300 | Yeah, what about you washing and doing the laundry?

00:16:12.260 | George's eyes are like this.

00:16:16.180 | His wife is.

00:16:17.060 | All right.

00:16:20.780 | Now we're getting down to concrete.

00:16:22.940 | Illustrations, George, this is exactly

00:16:25.220 | what we're talking about.

00:16:26.820 | Don't let them be in Fuzzyland or Vaguesville.

00:16:30.020 | 'Cause they'll try to get away with that.

00:16:33.520 | They'll say, well, you know, I need to love my wife more.

00:16:36.940 | And they'll expect you to accept that as the answer.

00:16:38.920 | No, no, no, no, you pin George down.

00:16:42.220 | You get him to be very specific

00:16:44.460 | about what he's talking about.

00:16:46.740 | All right, then the next week, guess what?

00:16:49.380 | You're gonna ask George the next week,

00:16:50.980 | I'm making a little note in my notes,

00:16:52.820 | I'm gonna ask George how many times

00:16:54.420 | did George do the dishes for his wife?

00:16:56.420 | How many times did he take out the trash?

00:16:58.700 | How many times did he sweep up the room or run the vacuum?

00:17:02.520 | How many times did he, you know, I wanna know these things.

00:17:05.540 | I wanna know what's really changing

00:17:07.460 | on a week-to-week basis in George's life.

00:17:09.940 | I wanna know that.

00:17:12.780 | And the same thing with George's wife, Irene.

00:17:18.300 | She can't just get away with,

00:17:19.980 | well, I've gotta submit myself more to my husband, okay?

00:17:25.060 | Well, what does that mean?

00:17:26.940 | That's very fuzzy.

00:17:28.700 | I mean, that's the right thing, you got the right concept,

00:17:31.140 | but how is that going to be specifically applied

00:17:34.780 | to your particular situation in your home?

00:17:38.500 | How are you going to submit yourself to your husband?

00:17:41.300 | Well, I guess I'm gonna let him have the checkbook.

00:17:48.860 | Well, that's a good idea.

00:17:53.320 | All right, let him have the checkbook.

00:17:55.220 | That's right.

00:18:01.020 | I guess I'm going to think about him before myself.

00:18:06.020 | Well, good, that's good, Irene.

00:18:07.960 | How are you gonna do that?

00:18:09.060 | How are you gonna think about George before yourself?

00:18:13.140 | Well, rather than preparing dinner when he gets home

00:18:20.940 | with something that I would want to have for dinner,

00:18:28.420 | I'm gonna prepare something

00:18:29.700 | that George will really like for dinner.

00:18:31.760 | That's good, Irene.

00:18:34.740 | Something that George would really like for dinner.

00:18:38.080 | That's good, like what?

00:18:39.000 | What would George really like?

00:18:40.820 | What is it, apple pie?

00:18:44.220 | Oh, apple pie, Ruben says.

00:18:45.940 | [laughing]

00:18:48.620 | I gotta tell your wife.

00:18:50.080 | [laughing]

00:18:52.340 | Not yet.

00:18:54.140 | [laughing]

00:18:57.220 | That's right, yes, can you pan the camera down

00:19:02.220 | a little bit here to?

00:19:04.420 | [laughing]

00:19:06.660 | So there's, you gotta get them to be specific, concrete,

00:19:11.340 | practical in addressing their marital needs.

00:19:14.180 | Again, it's not enough for them to commit themselves

00:19:19.180 | to communicating better.

00:19:21.980 | That's not enough.

00:19:23.940 | They have gotta say, okay, this coming week,

00:19:27.220 | we're gonna sit down together three times

00:19:30.460 | and we're gonna spend 45 minutes or an hour, three times,

00:19:33.420 | where we have a chance to communicate

00:19:36.100 | and talk about some of our concerns

00:19:37.740 | and some of the problems that we have that are going on.

00:19:40.580 | That's what we're talking about.

00:19:41.820 | There also needs to be, you need to be flexible

00:19:45.020 | in varying dynamics of marriage as well.

00:19:49.820 | Flexibility means that you're not so hard and fast

00:19:54.820 | on one particular course of action

00:19:57.260 | that you're not willing to give your spouse an opportunity

00:20:00.620 | to help to vary that course of action or change.

00:20:03.180 | There's gotta be that flexibility.

00:20:04.820 | There has to be appropriate or applicable,

00:20:08.320 | the homework has to be appropriate or applicable,

00:20:11.160 | not theologically abstract.

00:20:17.100 | We want them to take theology and make it concrete again.

00:20:19.880 | We don't want them to just remain in abstract terms.

00:20:24.880 | It's easy for people to do that.

00:20:31.020 | It also needs to be reportable

00:20:33.600 | so you can measure success and progress.

00:20:36.240 | So how are they gonna report this?

00:20:38.240 | So it needs to be reportable in that sense.

00:20:45.540 | So that's the nature of good homework.

00:20:50.540 | What are some of the kinds of homework

00:20:52.500 | for promoting good change?

00:20:54.220 | There's a lot of published material that are out there.

00:20:57.020 | There's also, any more there was.

00:21:00.100 | I mean, when I first started in biblical counseling,

00:21:01.780 | there wasn't very much published,

00:21:03.300 | but there is an awful lot.

00:21:05.440 | Just beginning with the textbooks

00:21:06.740 | that are required for this class is a good example of that.

00:21:10.380 | Relevant homework for marriage and family issues

00:21:12.940 | is also found in the appendices

00:21:16.220 | of various sections of the course outline,

00:21:18.260 | as well as in, in some cases,

00:21:20.580 | in some of the books that you're reading.

00:21:22.620 | There's also freelance homework

00:21:26.580 | that you think is appropriate and relevant.

00:21:29.140 | And oftentimes, it's the freelance homework

00:21:31.860 | that is some of the best

00:21:32.900 | if you know how to put it together the right way.

00:21:35.980 | Like, for instance, you ask them to study

00:21:37.940 | 1 Peter chapter three and verse two

00:21:39.500 | and write out 10 ways you can demonstrate

00:21:41.780 | chaste and respectful behavior as a wife.

00:21:44.780 | And we talked about that before.

00:21:45.980 | That's a wife that's especially married

00:21:47.540 | to an unbelieving husband there in the context.

00:21:49.980 | And you make a list of 20 things

00:21:52.620 | that you can do practically

00:21:53.620 | to show your wife that you love her.

00:21:56.940 | All right, George, let's make that list out.

00:22:00.740 | Give me 20 ways where you're going to show practically

00:22:05.740 | that you love your wife.

00:22:08.420 | What are they?

00:22:11.580 | So you have to develop that.

00:22:14.380 | And that's part of the homework.

00:22:19.820 | Then, also, study 1 Corinthians 13

00:22:25.140 | and make a chart with two columns

00:22:28.940 | with each term's definition in one column

00:22:33.740 | and with two or three ideas

00:22:35.180 | of how you intend to practically demonstrate it

00:22:37.060 | to your spouse in the next column.

00:22:40.180 | So you're writing out each term

00:22:41.980 | that's listed there in 1 Corinthians 13

00:22:44.100 | and then you're gonna highlight two or three things

00:22:47.660 | that you think are gonna be helpful

00:22:49.140 | to demonstrate this practically to your spouse.

00:22:51.620 | Or D, have devotions and pray.

00:22:55.500 | Now, keep a record of what you do.

00:22:56.940 | Develop a prayer list for your marriage and your spouse

00:22:59.540 | and also for the family members

00:23:01.600 | so that you are praying for one another.

00:23:03.700 | So, Irene, I want you to make a prayer list about George.

00:23:08.140 | I want you to list 20, 25 things on that prayer list

00:23:11.660 | that you can pray for about George.

00:23:13.140 | And, George, I want you to do the same thing with Irene.

00:23:16.180 | I want you to develop 20, 25 things

00:23:19.340 | that you can pray about for her.

00:23:21.200 | Keep, also, a companionship record.

00:23:24.300 | Write down every time you spend time together

00:23:26.740 | and what you've really discussed

00:23:28.580 | when you spent that time together.

00:23:31.440 | That's a companionship record.

00:23:37.080 | And then, complete a read the Bible assignment on marriage

00:23:42.080 | and record your thoughts from the assigned passage.

00:23:46.620 | And you can develop it.

00:23:47.700 | You could put together several critical passages

00:23:50.860 | that deal with marital relationships

00:23:53.460 | and you read 'em together, you discuss them,

00:23:56.020 | you highlight key ideas.

00:23:58.660 | Sometimes I'll say I want the husband

00:24:01.260 | to lead the conversation and call the meeting

00:24:04.280 | where you're going to do this

00:24:05.420 | and I want the wife to be the secretary

00:24:07.300 | and write down the key thoughts of discussion

00:24:10.080 | that you spend time doing or discussing.

00:24:15.000 | Make a list of the good times and bad times journal

00:24:19.420 | for the week.

00:24:20.260 | Identify what were the good times this week

00:24:23.920 | that you had together.

00:24:24.980 | But, also, identify what were the bad times

00:24:27.660 | and what was the difference between the two.

00:24:30.060 | Or, a review of rate your marriage inventories

00:24:33.760 | and discuss the things that you do

00:24:35.300 | to make improvements in your home.

00:24:37.820 | Now, where you find that is in Wayne Mack's material,

00:24:41.380 | A Homework for Biblical Counselors, Volumes One and Two.

00:24:45.060 | And in that is a rate your marriage inventory.

00:24:47.300 | It's a little key thing that you can reproduce

00:24:49.860 | and they tell you you can reproduce it.

00:24:51.940 | They give you permission to do that.

00:24:55.020 | And it's a little helpful tool to get into how a wife

00:25:00.020 | or how a husband views their marriage,

00:25:03.660 | what's going on there.

00:25:05.380 | So, a rate your marriage inventory.

00:25:07.380 | Secondly, there's also instruction in the form of teaching.

00:25:13.380 | Explaining what is the major issues

00:25:15.020 | in their individual lives they need to change

00:25:16.820 | in order to improve their marriage and their home.

00:25:20.700 | What are the major issues in order to improve

00:25:25.700 | their marriage and their home.

00:25:30.700 | For example, in 2 Timothy 3 and verse 16,

00:25:41.220 | and in Colossians 1:28 and Colossians 3:16,

00:25:45.700 | it uses the Greek term didosco.

00:25:49.720 | Didosco, it has to do with teaching.

00:25:52.880 | Marriage and family counseling done God's way

00:25:54.820 | involves large dosages of teaching

00:25:58.080 | and instruction from the scripture.

00:26:00.040 | Now, usually, as seminary students,

00:26:03.140 | you're not afraid to do that.

00:26:04.420 | You're well prepared to do some serious preaching here

00:26:07.820 | and teaching here, so that's not usually a problem.

00:26:10.920 | It's not enough for them to know the right things.

00:26:15.160 | They've gotta, they must be admonished and trained

00:26:17.940 | to think, do, and desire the right things.

00:26:23.280 | Think, do, and desire the right things.

00:26:25.580 | I'll come back to that in a minute.

00:26:29.380 | And also, Titus chapter two and verse 15,

00:26:32.340 | Paul says, "Speak."

00:26:35.040 | This is different than just say the right things.

00:26:37.740 | That's the word let go.

00:26:39.180 | You must speak up with clear instruction and direction.

00:26:45.320 | And I think it's vitally important that when you,

00:26:52.080 | when you teach,

00:26:53.980 | that you're teaching in order to help them to identify

00:27:00.460 | what is ruling or mastering their heart.

00:27:04.520 | What is it that is the functional idols

00:27:09.420 | that tend to reign there?

00:27:13.340 | That heart says, I must.

00:27:16.080 | This is what sometimes the scripture will call

00:27:21.620 | their lust or their craving

00:27:26.620 | or what their heart demands.

00:27:35.440 | That's what they must do.

00:27:41.420 | Now, because it is this aspect of the heart

00:27:51.060 | that really fuels their attitudes towards one another,

00:27:56.060 | their actions towards one another,

00:28:04.480 | their reactions towards one another,

00:28:10.360 | their beliefs about one another.

00:28:18.780 | If they're suspicious,

00:28:20.740 | if they think their mate is lying to them.

00:28:23.180 | And what you've got here, all of this really

00:28:29.980 | is what the Bible calls the fruit.

00:28:33.600 | And down here on a heart level is the root.

00:28:39.360 | And so your instruction is geared towards helping them see,

00:28:45.360 | this is what you see coming at you.

00:28:47.140 | This is what you've collected in terms of your data,

00:28:49.740 | what's happening in the marriage.

00:28:51.180 | Their attitudes, their actions, their reactions,

00:28:53.240 | their beliefs, even their words

00:28:55.980 | and the words that they choose.

00:28:58.060 | And all of this is fueled here,

00:29:02.780 | motivated by whatever is reigning in their heart.

00:29:08.980 | And when you interpret that data,

00:29:14.100 | what you're attempting to do really is

00:29:17.340 | you're trying to get at

00:29:20.940 | what's really going on in their heart.

00:29:26.540 | This is what you see in counseling.

00:29:31.580 | This is what you hear.

00:29:32.860 | This is what your homework reveals.

00:29:35.380 | So when you interpret it, the interpretation process

00:29:43.300 | of what's really happening on a heart level,

00:29:46.540 | what are they saying?

00:29:49.620 | I must be in control of my marriage.

00:29:53.740 | I must have a wife that respects me.

00:29:56.880 | I must have a husband that loves me.

00:29:59.260 | I must have children that are obedient.

00:30:02.060 | And this is what ends up reigning in their heart.

00:30:06.320 | That becomes their functional God.

00:30:09.500 | This bespeaks to what they ultimately worship.

00:30:13.760 | That drives this behavior.

00:30:16.600 | That's why then when they don't receive,

00:30:19.160 | when they don't have children that are obedient,

00:30:21.000 | then they become sullen, depressed, or angry,

00:30:26.000 | hateful, and mean, and reactive.

00:30:30.460 | So it's that root, I must have obedient children,

00:30:34.600 | that fuels their actions.

00:30:36.940 | So your instruction is geared in that direction.

00:30:42.720 | And so you're speaking to them.

00:30:45.120 | You have to speak the right things.

00:30:46.460 | You've got to speak with clear instruction and direction,

00:30:49.200 | and especially getting at heart issues.

00:30:51.900 | Instruction then in the form of reproof and admonition.

00:30:57.580 | Here, Titus 2.15, Paul not only tells Titus

00:31:03.680 | to do, speak, also to exhort and reprove.

00:31:10.260 | Para kaleo is the term to exhort.

00:31:14.960 | It's the same word that's used in Romans 12.1,

00:31:19.420 | which is a corporate command to be one.

00:31:22.920 | I exhort you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God,

00:31:27.860 | that you present your bodies a living sacrifice.

00:31:30.720 | Bodies are plural.

00:31:34.000 | A, living sacrifice, is singular.

00:31:36.840 | So it's corporately applied together

00:31:39.800 | as a single sacrifice.

00:31:41.240 | A pastoral command on how to admonish

00:31:44.360 | older and younger men and women,

00:31:46.120 | in 1 Peter 5, verses one and two.

00:31:48.760 | Philippians 4.2, Ephesians 4.1.

00:31:50.880 | Paul is a good example of personal admonishment here.

00:31:55.880 | Sometimes you're gonna have to say to George and Irene,

00:31:59.220 | listen, George, I think that you have an idol in your heart

00:32:04.220 | that you need to see and repent of.

00:32:07.480 | That idol says, I must have a wife

00:32:12.360 | that caters to all my needs.

00:32:17.360 | Or Irene, I must have a husband who

00:32:25.560 | loves me the way I think I should be loved

00:32:30.920 | and the way that I deserve.

00:32:32.400 | That can become an idolatrous desire in her heart

00:32:35.880 | that fuels her actions, just as with George.

00:32:38.960 | Then it talks about reproving.

00:32:44.640 | Eligeo, which is to cross-examine

00:32:50.880 | for the purpose of convicting

00:32:52.380 | or refuting an opponent to convict.

00:32:55.240 | John 16.8, Jesus uses this word

00:33:00.080 | to describe the work of the Holy Spirit in the world.

00:33:03.060 | And he, when he comes, will convict.

00:33:05.600 | There's our word.

00:33:06.660 | Convict the world concerning sin,

00:33:11.440 | righteousness, and judgment.

00:33:12.960 | 2 Timothy 3:16-17, all scripture is inspired by God

00:33:17.200 | and is profitable for teaching, for reproof,

00:33:20.960 | for correction, for training in righteousness

00:33:22.820 | so that the man of God may be adequate,

00:33:24.520 | equipped for every good work.

00:33:25.800 | So our word reproof is our same word as the word convict.

00:33:29.720 | And hence you get the idea of convicting,

00:33:32.020 | reproving, refuting.

00:33:34.880 | So your instruction is going to take that on in scripture.

00:33:41.160 | Then Colossians 1, verse 26, and also 3.16.

00:33:50.920 | Note Paul not only refers to teaching,

00:33:52.720 | but also admonishing, warning, or counseling.

00:33:55.280 | Here the Greek word is nutheteo.

00:33:58.780 | And the key idea here is nus, which means mind.

00:34:03.780 | In English, we would translate it the mind.

00:34:14.800 | And then tithemi,

00:34:17.120 | which means to place or to put.

00:34:26.440 | So you get this idea that the concept together

00:34:31.440 | is to place or put sense into the mind.

00:34:40.060 | That's why this word nutheteo is a really good word

00:34:53.820 | for counseling because that's what you're doing

00:34:55.540 | when you counsel someone.

00:34:57.120 | You're placing or putting sense into the mind.

00:34:59.480 | You can see example of this here in Acts 20,

00:35:05.160 | verse 31, in Romans 15, 14, in 1 Corinthians 4.14,

00:35:11.620 | in Colossians 1.28, in Colossians 3.16,

00:35:14.380 | 1 Thessalonians 5.12, 1 Thessalonians 5.14,

00:35:17.140 | 2 Thessalonians 3.15.

00:35:19.600 | You see in the English translations,

00:35:21.720 | the King James version there at the top

00:35:23.620 | on the left-hand side.

00:35:25.060 | In the middle there is the New American Standard version,

00:35:27.660 | the NASV, and then on the right side there

00:35:31.580 | is the New International version, or the NIV.

00:35:34.180 | And how they choose to translate it.

00:35:38.280 | Usually warn or admonish or instruct

00:35:42.220 | is the normal way that it can be translated.

00:35:46.140 | It also can be translated counsel.

00:35:51.760 | So to place sense into the mind is the idea.

00:35:56.760 | So there are two things these passages make clear

00:36:04.240 | about the activity of exhorting, rebuking, or admonishing.

00:36:07.720 | Number one, the purpose of exhortation or admonition

00:36:12.120 | is to place sense back into the husband and wife

00:36:15.000 | so that their goal and agenda is to be a marriage

00:36:18.380 | and a home that honors the Lord in everything.

00:36:21.840 | And this is only to come from biblical instruction.

00:36:24.720 | There's no amount of psychological instruction

00:36:29.760 | that's going to build a biblical home.

00:36:32.260 | It's only gonna come from biblical instruction.

00:36:34.600 | Number two, the manner of exhortation or admonition,

00:36:40.160 | Romans 12.1, 1 Timothy 5.1, 2 Timothy 2.24 and 25,

00:36:45.160 | and 2 Timothy 4.2, Galatians 6.1.

00:36:49.120 | And each of those passages' strong verbs

00:36:51.320 | now are used to express exhorting, rebuking,

00:36:54.360 | admonishment so that their home and marriage

00:36:56.700 | is brought to rest upon the word of God.

00:36:58.740 | That's what we're after.

00:37:01.040 | They want their marriage to be,

00:37:05.240 | to rest upon the word of God and the word of God alone.

00:37:08.780 | Then there is instruction in the form

00:37:12.980 | of specific suggestions or ideas

00:37:14.880 | about how to put biblical directives

00:37:16.800 | about family living into practice.

00:37:19.060 | Working with counselees to make plans for realizing

00:37:21.840 | and implementing and integrating God's principles

00:37:25.640 | into their marriage and family life.

00:37:27.480 | There's also instruction number five

00:37:30.240 | in the form of coaching.

00:37:31.840 | There is a real sense in which every counselor

00:37:34.520 | is like a coach, not just to tell them what to do,

00:37:39.120 | but to prod them to practice what they do,

00:37:43.880 | what they should be doing.

00:37:46.200 | You're coaching them on how to do it better.

00:37:49.620 | Almost the same way that a piano teacher

00:37:53.220 | would sit and observe how the student

00:37:58.060 | is putting their fingers on the piano keys

00:38:03.060 | and forming groupings of notes.

00:38:13.620 | And so they give them suggestions

00:38:16.280 | about those kind of things.

00:38:17.920 | Typically a biblical coach helps counselees

00:38:21.040 | to find their own solutions by asking questions

00:38:24.120 | that give them insight into their situations

00:38:26.240 | with scripture as a guide.

00:38:28.520 | A godly coach holds a counselee accountable

00:38:31.640 | so that if a counselee agrees to plan,

00:38:34.180 | to a plan to achieve a goal,

00:38:35.760 | a coach will help motivate them to complete their plan

00:38:38.740 | with a proper biblical motives for home and for marriage.

00:38:43.740 | So a coach comes alongside to make these practical

00:38:48.100 | suggestions on how to implement this in a better way.

00:38:52.500 | That's the way you can promote and permanentize.

00:38:58.060 | We're working on that acrostic, C-A-P-T,

00:39:05.160 | that we talked about before.

00:39:08.440 | Promote and permanentize.

00:39:10.300 | Well the last one in that little acrostic

00:39:17.900 | is the termination of counseling.

00:39:23.920 | The termination of counseling.

00:39:27.220 | How do you know when to terminate?

00:39:29.160 | You have to keep the purpose of counseling in mind

00:39:36.500 | and that is in our eight eyes ultimately integrating

00:39:40.820 | this change that has been brought about by the word of God

00:39:43.520 | in their life and their marriage and their home

00:39:46.700 | into their everyday life.

00:39:48.320 | That's what we're looking for.

00:39:49.460 | We want them to integrate this truth

00:39:51.600 | or change into their life.

00:39:53.600 | So how can a biblical counselor know

00:39:55.120 | that integration has ultimately occurred is the question.

00:39:59.860 | Well the counselee understands the problem

00:40:02.120 | from a biblical perspective.

00:40:03.320 | That's pretty obvious to the counselor.

00:40:05.920 | If George and Irene understand the problem really well

00:40:09.560 | then that helps you understand they're ready to terminate.

00:40:13.880 | They know what God wants them to do.

00:40:16.640 | I mean that's clear to them too.

00:40:17.960 | They know exactly what God wants them to do now.

00:40:20.400 | Or C here, they regularly handle problems in a biblical way.

00:40:25.020 | In fact you may in counseling hypothetically

00:40:28.360 | throw out problems to them and saying okay,

00:40:30.900 | now how would you have handled this in the past

00:40:33.880 | when you didn't know how to do it biblically?

00:40:35.880 | And they'd share it with you.

00:40:36.720 | How has things changed now?

00:40:39.280 | How do you handle it differently now?

00:40:41.260 | And they're able to share the biblical way.

00:40:45.320 | Furthermore they accurately diagnose

00:40:46.920 | their own problems and mistakes too.

00:40:49.360 | When you get counselees coming in saying,

00:40:51.480 | you know I caught myself doing that again

00:40:53.680 | and I know what the problem is.

00:40:55.480 | When you get them saying that kind of thing

00:40:57.120 | you know they're ready to graduate from counseling

00:40:59.060 | or they're getting pretty close to it.

00:41:00.920 | Or they accept personal responsibility for their failures

00:41:04.800 | where earlier in counseling it was really easy

00:41:07.880 | for George to blame Irene and Irene to blame George

00:41:11.240 | and both of them to blame the kids.

00:41:13.440 | You know they're always blaming somebody else.

00:41:15.740 | Now they're not doing that.

00:41:18.920 | They're accepting responsibilities for failures.

00:41:22.660 | And they accept that.

00:41:25.840 | And they're searching for and find biblical solutions.

00:41:30.620 | In fact they're really excited about this.

00:41:34.160 | They're going to the Bible more and more

00:41:35.720 | in order to find solutions to their daily problems.

00:41:38.800 | Or they've faced their trials

00:41:40.200 | and they've handled them very well.

00:41:42.880 | Or maybe they failed but they've identified biblically why

00:41:48.280 | and they've recovered from it.

00:41:49.780 | Or they share what they've learned with other people

00:41:54.400 | and they're really excited about sharing

00:41:56.040 | what they've learned with other people.

00:41:57.920 | Or others notice and comment about the change.

00:42:02.740 | People at church, other members of the family say,

00:42:06.200 | "Wow, mom and dad have really changed," the kids say.

00:42:09.640 | They're not the way that they were before.

00:42:12.640 | Or others begin to seek the counselee's help

00:42:18.360 | and they want to know what their secret is.

00:42:21.360 | Or the counselee's can list and document their changes.

00:42:30.560 | Or the counselee themselves thinks he's ready.

00:42:34.180 | They think he's ready.

00:42:35.380 | That needs to be there.

00:42:40.540 | If they don't think that they're ready

00:42:41.900 | then there's a reason why and you need to find out why.

00:42:44.940 | Or inventories show significant improvement

00:42:48.740 | in their lives.

00:42:54.500 | Then you know they're ready to graduate from counseling.

00:43:01.040 | You're ready to terminate them.

00:43:04.680 | That doesn't mean knock 'em off.

00:43:07.960 | That means you're ready to graduate them out of counseling.

00:43:11.460 | Now how do you do that?

00:43:16.560 | So especially so that reversals are really minimized.

00:43:21.140 | Well, you do it gradually.

00:43:22.440 | Move from every week to every month,

00:43:24.960 | to every four months, to every six months

00:43:27.280 | and then use these times for regular checkups.

00:43:30.560 | So one of the ways you can minimize any kind of reversal

00:43:34.240 | is to gradually terminate them.

00:43:36.640 | You do it with instructions.

00:43:39.040 | You always be sure that their counseling notes are available

00:43:41.680 | and they can recite the biblical process of confession,

00:43:44.680 | repentance, forgiveness and reconciliation

00:43:46.880 | to deal with problems when they occur in the future

00:43:50.080 | and they will have problems.

00:43:52.120 | Or with plans for a checkup and homework

00:43:54.960 | that must be completed for the next checkup.

00:43:56.960 | This will help them to continue the process

00:43:58.900 | of biblical growth and change in their marriage.

00:44:01.320 | So you tell 'em, okay, listen,

00:44:05.240 | I wanna meet with you in the next six months

00:44:07.160 | and during that particular session,

00:44:08.800 | we're gonna do a checkup on all the things

00:44:11.160 | that we've been talking about.

00:44:12.440 | I'm gonna create a little checkup list

00:44:14.240 | and we're gonna go through that to see how you're doing.

00:44:17.360 | You're communicating better?

00:44:18.920 | George, are you helping out Irene?

00:44:20.680 | Irene, are you thinking about George before yourself?

00:44:24.640 | How's that going?

00:44:27.920 | And I don't want you to give me the fuzzies.

00:44:29.620 | I want you to give me the concrete things.

00:44:31.340 | What has really changed here?

00:44:33.120 | I'm counseling a guy this past week.

00:44:41.100 | He's had struggles and problems in his marriage

00:44:45.740 | and one of the ways that I have gotten a clue

00:44:48.420 | that he's ready to graduate

00:44:49.660 | is he's initiated some certain things with his wife

00:44:52.820 | without me even encouraging him to do so.

00:44:55.340 | And one of the things he did in the last session

00:44:57.180 | he told me about really surprised me.

00:44:59.760 | He's initiated one night a week where he has a date night.

00:45:02.840 | His wife comes home.

00:45:03.800 | She's taking classes at a local university

00:45:06.840 | and his wife comes home at night

00:45:09.160 | and that particular night,

00:45:10.800 | he has a really wonderful meal prepared for her

00:45:13.760 | and a candlelight dinner and it's getting so that,

00:45:18.680 | I mean, here's a marriage that really was really rocky

00:45:21.880 | that she really looks forward to this.

00:45:23.600 | She really enjoys that and they sit around for hours

00:45:26.700 | after that dinner just talking.

00:45:28.540 | They've never ever had that in years and years of marriage.

00:45:32.700 | They've never had that.

00:45:35.080 | Well, let's review if we can real quickly with that CAPT.

00:45:41.280 | What are we talking about?

00:45:42.480 | The first thing we talked about was context,

00:45:44.880 | getting a hold of the context

00:45:46.080 | of what's going on in the problem,

00:45:47.800 | grabbing all the significant details.

00:45:51.360 | Then you have to assess and analyze, all right,

00:45:54.400 | what are the real hard issues

00:45:55.960 | that are fueling all the behaviors and actions?

00:45:58.600 | You have to assess that.

00:45:59.880 | And then you promote and permanentize.

00:46:03.080 | We just talked about that.

00:46:05.320 | And then last of all, you're ready to terminate

00:46:08.000 | when you're sure that they're handling things

00:46:11.680 | in a biblical way.

00:46:12.760 | That's what we wanna talk about.

00:46:15.200 | We wanna enter into section number two here in our class

00:46:20.400 | on really actually getting into the scripture

00:46:24.480 | and what the scripture says about marriage

00:46:26.280 | and family counseling.

00:46:27.200 | We've kind of laid some of the background with part one.

00:46:30.240 | And now in part two, we wanna take a look

00:46:32.000 | at some foundational issues that will hopefully help you.

00:46:35.120 | And one of the first things here

00:46:37.160 | in terms of foundational issue

00:46:39.380 | has to do with God's design for marriage,

00:46:42.800 | God's design for marriage.

00:46:44.320 | And we could easily go into all the aberrations of marriage.

00:46:49.320 | We could easily go into that.

00:46:51.920 | And we would spend lots and lots of times

00:46:53.560 | with all the aberrations.

00:46:55.120 | But rather than that, we've chosen specifically

00:46:58.280 | to teach you the real thing.

00:47:01.720 | What does God intend?

00:47:03.640 | And once you understand the real thing,

00:47:05.280 | then you can pick up on the aberrations here.

00:47:09.360 | So let's talk about this a little bit.

00:47:11.800 | And let me introduce it with some perspectives

00:47:16.640 | that people have about marriage.

00:47:22.000 | One is, has to do with the origin of problems.

00:47:26.220 | How do problems get rolling in a marriage?

00:47:31.960 | Well, part of the answer is,

00:47:36.360 | some of those problems get rolling

00:47:38.160 | from the very beginning of the relationship.

00:47:40.360 | Many people marry for the wrong reason.

00:47:49.460 | Already, that sets marriage in the wrong direction.

00:47:52.060 | For example, some people marry

00:47:55.220 | because they've been promiscuous.

00:47:57.280 | And they sort of have a Roman Catholic view of marriage.

00:48:02.780 | Once a guy and a girl have had sex together,

00:48:05.180 | then they ought to get married.

00:48:07.140 | Actually, from a biblical perspective,

00:48:09.460 | they're demonstrating that they're not ready for marriage

00:48:12.860 | once they've had sex.

00:48:15.000 | Because they're showing

00:48:19.240 | that they cannot control themselves, self-control.

00:48:22.340 | Just because they have a little piece of paper

00:48:23.700 | that says they're married,

00:48:24.540 | doesn't mean that automatically

00:48:25.620 | they're gonna have self-control.

00:48:27.140 | If someone else comes along that seems to be tempting,

00:48:30.420 | then they'll probably do the same thing.

00:48:32.420 | But some people get married out of guilt.

00:48:39.500 | Well, we've been promiscuous, so let's get married.

00:48:42.320 | That's a poor reason to be married.

00:48:45.440 | Furthermore, some people compensate for faults.

00:48:50.200 | That's why they get married.

00:48:51.960 | They're running from perceived faults.

00:48:54.720 | They see the other person as sometimes having more money.

00:49:01.100 | Or they see the other person as being more outgoing.

00:49:05.720 | Or the other person as being more stable.

00:49:09.080 | Or coming from a better home

00:49:13.060 | in terms of there isn't as much turmoil in the home.

00:49:17.440 | And so they run from the faults

00:49:19.980 | that they perceive in their lives

00:49:21.900 | and get married to this other person

00:49:24.060 | who appears to have life together.

00:49:27.240 | Or at least has an appeal of life that they want.

00:49:31.960 | So they're running from those faults.

00:49:36.160 | Then there are other people who marry to realize an image.

00:49:42.400 | They just have always seen themselves as being married.

00:49:47.400 | And sometimes the gals here outdo the guys in this area

00:49:54.020 | because they always dream about having a little house

00:49:57.940 | with a white picket fence

00:49:59.140 | and kids joyfully playing in the yard and all of this.

00:50:04.140 | And they wanna get married in order to realize that image.

00:50:08.980 | And they'll take care of the disagreeable aspects

00:50:13.820 | of their husband later.

00:50:14.980 | But in order to have this image, we're gonna get married.

00:50:18.620 | So I can have a home and have kids.

00:50:23.860 | Most women by the age of five

00:50:27.660 | have their entire weddings planned out.

00:50:29.660 | You know that, don't you?

00:50:30.920 | They won't tell you that.

00:50:33.220 | But they know what kind of dress they're gonna wear

00:50:38.220 | and they know what color the dress

00:50:43.580 | of the bridesmaids are gonna be.

00:50:47.040 | And I'll never forget the day that I proposed to my wife,

00:50:52.000 | I said, "Have you thought about our wedding?"

00:50:53.460 | And she goes, "Well, no, not really."

00:50:57.380 | And 10 minutes later, she was talking to her sister

00:50:59.500 | and she was talking about who was gonna be standing

00:51:01.340 | in the wedding and what the color of the dresses

00:51:02.940 | were gonna be and exactly what kind of dress

00:51:05.020 | she was going to have.

00:51:05.840 | I'm going, "What?

00:51:07.180 | "You haven't given any thought to this.

00:51:09.980 | "You've given loads of thought to this,

00:51:11.860 | "down to the minute details."

00:51:14.020 | So there are some people who marry

00:51:18.100 | in order to realize an image.

00:51:19.820 | And then there are other people who marry

00:51:22.500 | as a way to legitimize sex.

00:51:24.940 | They grew up in a Christian home

00:51:26.260 | and they themselves are Christian

00:51:28.140 | and they know it's not right to have sex prior to marriage.

00:51:30.860 | And so this is a way to, this is where the,

00:51:34.100 | often the guys go way out beyond the gals here at this point.

00:51:39.100 | Now we can have sex together

00:51:42.940 | and we don't have to feel guilty about it any longer.

00:51:45.380 | Even though, is it possible for a marital couple

00:51:48.300 | to be having sex together only with each other

00:51:51.140 | and still be in sin?

00:51:52.660 | The answer is yes.

00:51:56.420 | Why?

00:51:57.260 | Because it's greed-oriented sex

00:52:01.540 | and it violates 1 Corinthians 7.3.

00:52:05.060 | So is it possible for you not be having sex

00:52:08.940 | with anybody else except for your husband and your wife

00:52:10.900 | and still be doing it the wrong way?

00:52:12.700 | Yeah, we'll talk about that a little bit later.

00:52:15.060 | So why are there problems in marriage?

00:52:19.500 | Well, part of the answer to that is

00:52:20.980 | because people marry for the wrong reasons.

00:52:23.060 | In addition to that, when you add that in a culture,

00:52:27.100 | all over the world, in cultures all over the world,

00:52:29.380 | the family is under attack.

00:52:30.860 | In our American culture alone,

00:52:35.100 | I mean, you have the playboy philosophy,

00:52:36.900 | which is really an attack upon God's concept

00:52:39.340 | of what the family ought to be.

00:52:41.000 | You got gay and lesbian agendas,

00:52:45.100 | which is a direct frontal attack

00:52:48.860 | upon what God says marriage should be.

00:52:54.700 | You have entertainment mediums, television sitcoms,

00:52:57.340 | internet, movies, radio, making fun of marriage.

00:53:02.340 | And even if you have an intact relationship

00:53:08.460 | there in the TV sitcom,

00:53:13.220 | usually there's something radically wrong about it.

00:53:16.960 | I remember watching several years ago the Bill Cosby show,

00:53:19.860 | and Bill Cosby is married.

00:53:24.260 | It was kind of unusual to have a married husband and wife,

00:53:28.420 | but even in that show, dad was the imbecile,

00:53:31.620 | and the wife and the kids always knew better.

00:53:34.380 | He was the idiot of the family.

00:53:35.940 | So there's this distorted view of what should be happening,

00:53:41.600 | even in the entertainment mediums,

00:53:44.500 | even when they try to depict an intact marriage,

00:53:48.600 | which is rare.

00:53:52.540 | And then there's materialism.

00:53:54.040 | Materialism just elevates things above people.

00:53:58.580 | And there are a lot of marriages that are married

00:54:03.300 | really for the convenience of materialism.

00:54:05.500 | She works, he works, and they both contribute

00:54:07.820 | into a large pool of funds in order to get their toys,

00:54:12.460 | whatever toys they want.

00:54:14.060 | And then we live in a culture

00:54:18.580 | where man is constantly inventing

00:54:21.100 | some kind of substitutes for marriage.

00:54:22.940 | I talked about this at the very beginning of the course,

00:54:25.560 | where there's trial marriages, contract marriages,

00:54:27.980 | live-in lovers, semi-married, prenuptial agreements,

00:54:31.160 | or lat marriages, L-A-T marriages is living apart together.

00:54:35.000 | There are a lot of marriages in San Francisco

00:54:37.860 | that are that way, where a husband and wife are married,

00:54:42.020 | and she lives in her own home on one side of town,

00:54:44.740 | and he lives in his house on the other side of town,

00:54:46.780 | and they occasionally get together

00:54:48.060 | and sleep in the same bed together,

00:54:49.340 | but they basically live separately.

00:54:51.140 | That's called lat marriages, living apart together.

00:54:55.020 | So it's, in a sense, they would say,

00:55:01.620 | all the blessings of the single life,

00:55:03.600 | where you don't have to put up

00:55:04.580 | with all the idiosyncrasies of a spouse

00:55:07.340 | or living with a spouse, but then you also get

00:55:09.460 | all the quote-unquote blessings of marriage,

00:55:11.940 | where occasionally you can sleep in the same bed together.

00:55:14.840 | That's not a marriage.

00:55:20.060 | That's legal prostitution,

00:55:23.820 | where people sleep together occasionally,

00:55:30.220 | but they're not really married, not in God's eyes.

00:55:32.780 | What's the two-fold effect of all this?

00:55:37.500 | When you add this up, a couple things will happen,

00:55:41.140 | and you can see this in churches all over the place.

00:55:43.380 | A lot of young people who are getting married

00:55:46.540 | are really unsure about marriage.

00:55:49.220 | A lot of doubts, you can see it in their eyes.

00:55:53.780 | You do premarital counseling, you can see the doubts.

00:55:56.420 | And secondly, there are a lot of people

00:56:02.100 | who are already married who have lost hope.

00:56:05.920 | Well, this is the way it's always gonna be.

00:56:08.020 | I'm supervising a woman for her national certification

00:56:15.420 | in counseling right now who's counseling another woman

00:56:18.780 | who is married, and this other woman

00:56:20.220 | has pretty much lost all hope for her marriage.

00:56:22.840 | They just began counseling, so we're hoping

00:56:25.500 | that this gal begins to catch on

00:56:27.940 | on how the word of God can transform her life

00:56:32.300 | and re-instill hope there.

00:56:34.580 | But she's at the end of her ropes.

00:56:36.440 | Well, this is one of the things that gets me all excited

00:56:39.860 | about biblical and pastoral counseling,

00:56:42.460 | is the fact that I believe that Jesus Christ

00:56:45.380 | and His church has the answers, lasting answers.

00:56:49.220 | And we've gotta get busy proclaiming them.

00:56:52.440 | We have lasting answers to these problems.

00:56:57.400 | When you've got young people that are very unsure

00:57:02.660 | about marriage, they doubt whether or not

00:57:06.660 | their marriage is going to be successful.

00:57:11.480 | They know and they've heard these statistics

00:57:13.900 | that one out of two marriages,

00:57:15.340 | even though some of those statistics

00:57:17.180 | are not really fully valid,

00:57:18.980 | they're based upon wrong assumptions,

00:57:20.740 | but one out of very two marriages,

00:57:22.780 | everybody's heard about it, ends in divorce.

00:57:25.480 | And they wonder whether or not

00:57:28.240 | they're gonna be one of those statistics.

00:57:30.300 | Well, let's take a look at this in our outline.

00:57:33.980 | Roman numeral number one here

00:57:35.300 | about contemporary presuppositions in God's design.

00:57:38.240 | Now, there are secular theories out there

00:57:42.900 | that predominate, and I try to stay up with these things.

00:57:46.060 | If you read anything in the area of human psychology,

00:57:49.900 | if you read in the area of sociology,

00:57:53.340 | you realize there is a preponderance

00:57:57.340 | of different views on where marriage came from.

00:58:00.860 | Where did marriage come from?

00:58:02.300 | As soon as you roll the Bible

00:58:07.060 | and God's version of where marriage came from

00:58:10.660 | out of the picture, then you've gotta come up

00:58:13.220 | with some kind of theory, where did it come from?

00:58:15.580 | Well, for them, marriage really is a result

00:58:20.220 | of man's planning and design.

00:58:22.560 | And that's why I've included in your notes there

00:58:27.220 | the United Nations' view on the family.

00:58:28.980 | You read through that and it sounds,

00:58:32.580 | on the surface, really nice.

00:58:33.700 | Well, the United Nations has a view on the family,

00:58:35.460 | but the way that they define a family

00:58:37.400 | is any three or four people living together

00:58:40.580 | in one proximity is a family.

00:58:43.140 | So a whole bunch of hobos in a boxcar

00:58:45.580 | constitutes a family for them.

00:58:47.580 | Whether they're related or not doesn't matter.

00:58:51.300 | Whether they're married or not really doesn't matter.

00:58:53.300 | A family is such, so, if a family can mean anything,

00:58:56.780 | then it means nothing.

00:58:57.880 | If it can mean anything, it means nothing.

00:59:02.160 | And if you read some of the theories that are out there,

00:59:08.660 | where did marriage come from?

00:59:10.260 | That's the big question.

00:59:11.660 | How did we get this?

00:59:13.780 | Well, they would say, in essence,

00:59:15.780 | it is really an evolutionary caveman type of an arrangement.

00:59:19.820 | That's where marriage came from.

00:59:22.540 | It's an evolutionary caveman invention.

00:59:27.220 | That back during prehistoric times,

00:59:35.540 | there were two guys, one by the name of Bog,

00:59:40.300 | and the other one by the name of Gog, all right?

00:59:44.500 | And Bog and Gog got together in a big cave.

00:59:48.000 | And Bog said to Gog,

00:59:51.740 | ooh, can't tell your wife and kids

00:59:57.940 | from my wife and kids.

01:00:02.300 | Gog said, ooh, you right, what's a wife?

01:00:07.300 | Bog says, ooh, don't know, a woman whom you're with.

01:00:14.860 | Ooh, Gog says, okay, what do we do?

01:00:22.820 | Bog says, ooh, I got idea.

01:00:29.380 | You grab a woman by hair, drag her to nearby cave,

01:00:34.380 | and all of her children will follow her,

01:00:41.500 | and I'll stay here with my woman,

01:00:44.980 | and her children will stay here,

01:00:49.020 | and we will have marriage, family.

01:00:56.540 | And Gog says, ooh, sounds like good idea.

01:01:00.140 | So Gog grabs nearby woman by hair,

01:01:04.700 | drags her to nearby cave, and now they have family.

01:01:09.580 | And it works well because that environment

01:01:13.020 | is a hunting, agricultural environment,

01:01:18.020 | and you need family and kids to be able

01:01:22.100 | to run these little teeny prehistoric farms

01:01:25.860 | and to do hunting, and that works very, very well.

01:01:29.780 | But now in our high-tech society

01:01:32.820 | with the sophistication of modern technology,

01:01:36.980 | we don't need that anymore.

01:01:38.940 | That is a thing that was good for prehistoric times

01:01:42.700 | or ancient times, but that's not good for now, see?

01:01:47.100 | And I want you to understand that they believe

01:01:53.860 | that man somewhere in prehistoric times

01:01:58.020 | invented the concept of marriage.

01:02:00.920 | Now, what you believe about the origin of marriage

01:02:07.740 | has a huge effect on how marriages to function.

01:02:12.740 | It has huge implications

01:02:22.980 | on how people are supposed to get along in marriage.

01:02:25.620 | So we would say this, that if man developed marriage,

01:02:34.660 | then man can destroy marriage, or let's say it like this.

01:02:40.500 | If man developed or invented marriage,

01:02:42.900 | then man can redefine marriage any day

01:02:45.220 | or any time he wants.

01:02:51.420 | So if two males want to live together

01:02:55.260 | and we call that marriage, that's okay.

01:02:56.740 | If two females want to live together

01:02:58.020 | and call that marriage, that's okay, too.

01:03:00.020 | There's even a movement in a lot of Western cultures

01:03:07.340 | where if you want to marry your cat or your dog,

01:03:12.340 | I mean, on an evolutionary scale in terms of mammals,

01:03:16.460 | it's not really that far away.

01:03:18.740 | But if you want to marry your horse or your donkey,

01:03:23.740 | that's okay.

01:03:26.840 | You're a narrow-minded, fundamentalist, bigoted person

01:03:32.580 | if you think that that's bad.

01:03:37.320 | You're just not as sophisticated as us.

01:03:42.500 | You have too rigid of definitions.

01:03:45.740 | You're not really able to think with the depth

01:03:50.740 | that we can think and understand the subtle nuances

01:03:57.580 | of life and marriage the way we understand

01:04:01.100 | the subtle nuances of life and marriage.

01:04:03.660 | Marriage was okay.

01:04:07.340 | The traditional marriage was okay

01:04:08.900 | during an agricultural caveman time.

01:04:11.740 | That was all right.

01:04:13.620 | But in our sophisticated technological society today,

01:04:16.440 | it's no longer the preferred arrangement anymore.

01:04:19.000 | So we can redefine it any way we want.

01:04:22.260 | If man invented marriage,

01:04:26.260 | then he can define it any way he wants.

01:04:28.500 | So bog and gog are all old-fashioned.

01:04:36.060 | Out of date, unimportant anymore is the idea.

01:04:43.720 | But obviously, we know that that's not

01:04:46.240 | where marriage came from.

01:04:47.640 | The Bible talks about marriage being given by God.

01:04:54.120 | Genesis 1:26-27.

01:04:57.120 | It was not man who invented marriage.

01:04:59.560 | It was God who invented marriage.

01:05:02.240 | I want you to grab your Bible

01:05:03.240 | and go back there for a moment.

01:05:05.560 | Let's take a look at this.

01:05:07.000 | Then God said, "Let us make man in our image

01:05:12.280 | "according to our likeness,

01:05:13.360 | "and let them rule over the fish of the sea

01:05:14.880 | "and over the birds of the sky

01:05:16.000 | "and over the cattle and over all the earth

01:05:17.640 | "and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth.

01:05:19.880 | "And God created man in his own image.

01:05:21.880 | "In the image of God, he created him.

01:05:23.840 | "Male and female, he created them.

01:05:26.160 | "And God blessed them," verse 28,

01:05:28.280 | "and said to them, 'Be fruitful and multiply

01:05:31.160 | "'and fill the earth and subdue it

01:05:32.580 | "'and rule over the fish of the sea

01:05:34.080 | "'and over the birds of the sky

01:05:35.340 | "'and over every living thing that moves on the earth.'"

01:05:38.440 | Wow.

01:05:41.200 | Now, notice in verse 26,

01:05:43.320 | there's a play on singular and plural

01:05:45.200 | going on here in the Hebrew.

01:05:46.840 | You can see it even in the English.

01:05:48.600 | Let us, plural, make man singular

01:05:55.160 | in our plural image, singular,

01:05:58.960 | according to our plural likeness, singular.

01:06:03.960 | Let them, plural, rule over the fish of the sea

01:06:08.680 | and over the birds of the sky

01:06:10.600 | and over the cattle and over all the earth

01:06:12.800 | and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth.

01:06:15.400 | So what's going on here?

01:06:16.600 | The let us, as most theologians believe,

01:06:22.160 | this is the earliest reference we have to the Trinity,

01:06:24.080 | God the Father, God the Son, God the Holy Spirit.

01:06:25.920 | It's not a reference primarily the angels.

01:06:28.080 | It's a reference to God because the angels

01:06:33.920 | are not our creators.

01:06:37.680 | God's our creator.

01:06:40.940 | Let us make man.

01:06:43.480 | So we could say this,

01:06:48.300 | that God here, in verse 26, in relationship,

01:06:53.300 | creates man in relationship with gender distinctiveness.

01:06:58.580 | God in relationship creates man in relationship

01:07:05.100 | with gender distinctiveness

01:07:06.540 | and gives them a cultural mandate.

01:07:10.360 | He blessed them and he said to them,

01:07:12.720 | be fruitful, multiply and fill the earth and subdue it.

01:07:15.480 | So now children become part of the blessing of God.

01:07:23.020 | Children are not the requirement of marriage.

01:07:28.020 | They are part of the blessing of marriage.

01:07:31.360 | We'll come back to that later

01:07:36.960 | when it comes to the definition.

01:07:39.560 | So God in triunity now creates man in bi-unity,

01:07:44.560 | male and female with gender distinctiveness

01:07:59.160 | complementary of each other

01:08:04.640 | in order to fulfill the mandate of being unified as one.

01:08:09.640 | God is still one person manifested,

01:08:16.360 | or three persons in one essence, onological essence.

01:08:20.480 | And hence you have the tri-unity of God.

01:08:24.440 | Yes, Ruben.

01:08:25.840 | >> Some people who hear, they say that it is true

01:08:31.720 | that that relationship is between a male and a female.

01:08:35.120 | However, the passage is not talking about marriage itself

01:08:38.600 | as we understand marriage today.

01:08:40.840 | So they use it, in fact, to defend the view,

01:08:45.080 | the view of, well, I can't get together with my girlfriend

01:08:48.280 | and they're still living together

01:08:49.520 | because marriage as we see it today

01:08:51.960 | is just a cultural thing.

01:08:53.800 | >> I'll defend it from the standpoint,

01:08:58.320 | and another, let me see if I can repeat the question,

01:09:00.440 | so for the videotape, and that is,

01:09:03.080 | people who object to that particular view and say,

01:09:06.320 | well, that's not the way we understand marriage today,

01:09:09.320 | what's being reflected here in Genesis 1, 26, 27.

01:09:12.240 | So therefore I can get together with my girlfriend

01:09:18.720 | who I'm not married to and that's okay

01:09:21.080 | because that seems to be reflective.

01:09:23.880 | I mean, there's no talk about a husband and wife directly

01:09:26.680 | or just male and female, God created them

01:09:28.760 | in a heterosexual relationship.

01:09:30.120 | Is that basically what you're saying?

01:09:32.040 | Well, Genesis chapter one is a quick snapshot

01:09:36.400 | at everything that happened in general creation.

01:09:39.000 | But Genesis chapter two is now a flashback to day six

01:09:44.000 | where he gives us much more detail.

01:09:47.360 | And I would say the Bible reflects the fact

01:09:50.480 | that there is a marital relationship

01:09:53.020 | that has taken place between Adam and Eve

01:09:54.880 | because we go back to the actual details

01:09:57.100 | of how they came about.

01:09:58.160 | And I'll talk about that a little bit later, all right?

01:10:00.960 | Just hang in there and we'll get there

01:10:03.000 | to Genesis chapter two, okay?

01:10:05.220 | In fact, I wanna suggest to you,

01:10:08.080 | and we'll talk about this eventually,

01:10:10.520 | that verse 23 of Genesis two

01:10:12.760 | is actually the first marital vows, all right?

01:10:17.760 | First marital vows are right there.

01:10:20.600 | Taken before God and before all the hosts of heaven.

01:10:26.360 | And Adam's the one who says it.

01:10:27.960 | Now, I'll break down why that's the case.

01:10:32.660 | So marriage is given by God.

01:10:35.080 | And the critical point here is if God created marriage,

01:10:38.220 | then he has answers for marriage when it gets into trouble,

01:10:40.640 | which means there's hope.

01:10:42.440 | Wow, I like that.

01:10:44.280 | If God created marriage,

01:10:45.720 | it means there's answers for marriage

01:10:47.560 | when it gets into trouble,

01:10:48.840 | which means that there is hope.

01:10:51.420 | If man created marriage,

01:10:55.400 | there's not a whole lot of hope for marriage.

01:10:57.400 | But if God created marriage, there's all kinds of hope.

01:11:00.720 | So that's why I say what you believe

01:11:06.520 | about the origin of marriage

01:11:07.640 | directly affects how you think about marriage

01:11:11.240 | and how you resolve problems in marriage.

01:11:14.080 | What do you believe about the origin of marriage?

01:11:17.320 | Where did it come from?

01:11:19.080 | Did it come from Bog and Gog?

01:11:22.520 | Or did it come as a result of God's purposeful revelation,

01:11:27.520 | especially of himself, the man?

01:11:31.600 | God in relationship create, and yet essentially one,

01:11:34.920 | creates man in relationship as essentially one.

01:11:39.200 | Male and female, he creates them.

01:11:42.000 | They're distinct in that they're one.

01:11:44.640 | They're man, and yet they're mankind

01:11:49.000 | manifested in a gender complementary fashion.

01:11:54.000 | So that then tells us here number two

01:12:02.320 | that celibacy then is not the norm,

01:12:10.880 | never was intended from the beginning.

01:12:14.400 | It's not more holy to be celibate.

01:12:17.720 | Celibacy was never intended to be the norm.

01:12:22.720 | You're not somehow more godly because you're celibate.

01:12:32.880 | You're actually reflecting better the triunity of God

01:12:43.520 | by a plurality of relationship

01:12:47.080 | brought together into one marriage.

01:12:50.400 | As he later on says in Genesis 2:24,

01:12:52.600 | "For this reason, a man shall leave his father and mother

01:12:54.620 | "and be united to his wife,

01:12:56.160 | "and they shall become one flesh."

01:12:59.840 | That becomes the covenant of marriage, one flesh.

01:13:03.400 | Well, marriage is not to be disparaged either.

01:13:11.640 | We can see from this that it is holy and honorable

01:13:14.680 | because it was created by God.

01:13:18.000 | Anytime we disparage marriage or talk negatively about it,

01:13:23.000 | we're actually talking negatively

01:13:24.960 | about something that God has established.

01:13:27.320 | We also see from this that sex and procreation

01:13:30.840 | is a part of marriage and that gender distinctiveness

01:13:37.840 | is not just called good, but after Eve is created,

01:13:42.720 | verse 31, God saw all that he had made

01:13:44.920 | and behold, it was very good.

01:13:47.720 | That's really quite remarkable.

01:13:49.440 | The first day of creation, God created everything

01:13:51.680 | and he called it good.

01:13:52.520 | Second day, he called it good.

01:13:53.600 | Third day, good.

01:13:54.440 | Fourth day, good.

01:13:55.400 | Fifth day, good.

01:13:56.240 | Sixth day, what's he say?

01:13:58.720 | It's not good that man be alone, Genesis 2:18.

01:14:04.240 | The sixth day, God says for the first time, it's not good

01:14:07.080 | that man be alone.

01:14:09.200 | I will make a helper suitable for him.

01:14:12.560 | Then Eve is created and then it says,

01:14:14.720 | and God saw all that he had made

01:14:17.160 | and then it was very good.

01:14:19.600 | Eve, if you will, becomes the crowning point of creation

01:14:23.840 | and that's good.

01:14:25.560 | It's the last thing he does and then he rests.

01:14:31.640 | So sex and creation is a part of marriage.

01:14:34.440 | Gender distinctiveness now is a very good thing.

01:14:37.640 | So God didn't, you know, you've heard the old story.

01:14:43.000 | God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve, okay?

01:14:47.220 | So God didn't create same sex

01:14:49.920 | because they can't complement one another.

01:14:54.400 | They just redundantly reflect one another.

01:15:00.600 | No, it created distinctive sexuality.

01:15:04.480 | Furthermore, marriage is not to compete

01:15:08.480 | with human options or substitutes.

01:15:10.400 | This is the way God created it from the very beginning.

01:15:14.480 | And marriage ultimately is the picture

01:15:17.280 | of Christ's relationship to his bride, the church.

01:15:19.280 | It teaches an important spiritual reality

01:15:21.080 | about God's relationship to his people.

01:15:27.680 | So now marriage becomes a valuable object lesson

01:15:32.000 | in understanding that rich dynamic

01:15:34.920 | between the husband and his wife, the church,

01:15:39.920 | or even in the Old Testament,

01:15:44.160 | God is the husbandman and Israel was his bride.

01:15:49.160 | So we understand better of that relationship

01:15:56.280 | because we understand the husband and wife relationship.

01:15:59.120 | Now, in Genesis 2, in verse 18,

01:16:04.120 | we find the original purpose of marriage.

01:16:07.120 | What was the original purpose of marriage?

01:16:10.640 | Verse 18 says, "It was not good that man be alone."

01:16:15.640 | The Hebrew here, to be alone,

01:16:23.220 | indicated the fact that man was by himself

01:16:28.060 | and this was not good.

01:16:31.980 | This is the first time in God's creation

01:16:34.680 | that God called something not good

01:16:36.500 | because it was not complete.

01:16:38.220 | So God creates Eve not primarily to produce babies,

01:16:46.620 | even though that's one of the blessing of marriage.

01:16:51.260 | God produced Eve not to be a housewife.

01:16:54.740 | God gave Eve to Adam not as another income producer

01:17:01.500 | in the home.

01:17:04.580 | God gave Eve to Adam as a companion.

01:17:10.240 | The issue was loneliness.

01:17:18.340 | So at the very heart of marriage,

01:17:21.540 | this gender distinctiveness is good,

01:17:24.300 | it's very good because of companionship

01:17:27.780 | and now companionship becomes the focus

01:17:31.300 | and the purpose of marriage.

01:17:32.700 | It's always interesting for me

01:17:35.660 | that when a marriage gets into trouble

01:17:37.060 | and starts having serious problems,

01:17:38.860 | that's the first thing that goes out the window,

01:17:41.940 | is companionship.

01:17:47.500 | Then in verses 19 through 23,

01:17:49.820 | we begin to see that God creates

01:17:51.500 | the original partners in marriage.

01:17:53.260 | And in fact, in verse 19, it says,

01:17:59.020 | "Out of the ground, God formed every beast of the field

01:18:01.660 | "and every bird of the sky and brought them to the man

01:18:03.640 | "to see what he would call them

01:18:04.840 | "and whatever he called a living creature,

01:18:06.400 | "that was its name.

01:18:07.980 | "And the man gave names to all the cattle

01:18:09.880 | "and all the birds of the sky

01:18:10.960 | "and to every beast of the field,

01:18:12.080 | "but for Adam, there was not found

01:18:13.600 | "a helper suitable for him."

01:18:15.380 | So sandwiched between verse 18

01:18:17.580 | and the latter part of verse 19,

01:18:19.460 | where it talks about there was no suitable helper for Adam,

01:18:22.180 | is all this naming the animals.

01:18:23.740 | Well, why does that occur?

01:18:25.480 | Well, imagine if you're Adam.

01:18:26.980 | You spend your entire first day on this planet by yourself

01:18:31.100 | naming all of these animals

01:18:33.020 | that are passing in front of you.

01:18:34.420 | By the way, that shows the super intelligence of Adam

01:18:37.020 | because we still haven't named all the animals

01:18:38.900 | on this planet, even with our supercomputers,

01:18:41.500 | and we're still finding animals, naming them,

01:18:43.960 | but Adam was able to name them all in one 24-hour day

01:18:46.740 | and remember distinctively all of those names,

01:18:49.220 | shows you super intelligence.

01:18:50.840 | No man could ever hope to do that now.

01:18:54.580 | We have devolved, not evolved.

01:18:58.600 | We've devolved and turned to intelligence

01:19:00.700 | from the first Adam.

01:19:03.700 | So he's able to do this in one 24-hour period,

01:19:10.660 | but there was not found a helper suitable for him,

01:19:14.440 | and the word helper suitable

01:19:15.840 | is the words in Hebrew, ezer kanigno.

01:19:18.360 | There was not found an ezer kanigno for Adam.

01:19:21.360 | A fitting completer, ideally suited for him.

01:19:25.960 | I used to call my wife, Janie, my little ezer kanigno,

01:19:29.400 | and people thought I was cursing at her, I think,

01:19:32.100 | but it was a term of endearment, all right?

01:19:35.440 | An ezer kanigno, ideally suited.

01:19:40.560 | So you see, the animals would not do.

01:19:42.740 | God didn't create a father for Adam, a mother for Adam,

01:19:45.560 | a child for Adam, a sister for Adam,

01:19:47.020 | a brother for Adam, a playmate for Adam.

01:19:48.920 | He didn't create a golfing buddy for Adam.

01:19:50.720 | He created a wife for Adam.

01:19:52.140 | That's what he did,

01:19:56.640 | who was going to be a fitting completer,

01:19:59.080 | a suitable helper, ideally suited for him.

01:20:03.580 | Now, after you've been naming animals all day long

01:20:10.080 | and you see Mr. and Mrs. Hippopotamus pass in front of you

01:20:12.960 | and Mr. and Mrs. Elephant and Mr. and Mrs. Giraffe

01:20:14.980 | and Mr. and Mrs. Skunk and Mr. and Mrs. Gerbil,

01:20:18.000 | when you see all of that pass in front of you,

01:20:20.240 | at the end of the day, you say,

01:20:21.800 | Lord, how come there's no one that corresponds to me?

01:20:29.240 | So it was a vivid object lesson for Adam that he was alone.

01:20:39.040 | Even Mr. and Mrs. Dog passed in front of Adam.

01:20:41.700 | The dog is not man's best friend.

01:20:45.600 | Adam was still alone.

01:20:48.440 | So Adam was alone and he knew it.

01:20:54.660 | He felt it at the end of the day.

01:20:56.920 | So God causes him to go to sleep.

01:20:59.060 | He takes the rib out of Adam.

01:21:06.480 | Like John MacArthur says, Adam goes to sleep single,

01:21:09.040 | wakes up married.

01:21:10.040 | And he creates Eve from the rib that he had taken out.

01:21:18.600 | Why does he cause him to go to sleep?

01:21:20.600 | 'Cause I do believe there was pain prior to marriage,

01:21:23.240 | or prior to the fall.

01:21:25.160 | It's just that pain is multiplied after the fall,

01:21:28.020 | as we're gonna see later on in Genesis 3 and verse 15,

01:21:34.520 | or verse 16, I should say.

01:21:35.960 | We'll take a look at the Hebrew of that.

01:21:39.700 | Pain is multiplied.

01:21:41.160 | So now God has created Eve for Adam as a companion,

01:21:48.200 | and that becomes the purpose of marriage.

01:21:53.480 | So now he says, now grab your Bible

01:21:57.240 | and look at this real closely.

01:21:58.720 | After Adam wakes up, he brings Eve to her,

01:22:02.920 | to him, I should say.

01:22:04.720 | And verse 23, then Adam said,

01:22:07.320 | "This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh.

01:22:09.320 | "She shall be called woman because she was taken out a man."

01:22:12.080 | The question is, what is going on there?

01:22:14.080 | The only other time that this Hebrew phraseology is used

01:22:17.960 | is in 2 Samuel chapter five and verse one.

01:22:21.240 | It's where the people of Israel come to David

01:22:23.040 | and say, "Bone of bones, flesh of flesh."

01:22:25.040 | What are they doing there?

01:22:27.280 | They're actually performing a coronation service

01:22:30.560 | to coronate David as king over Israel.

01:22:33.080 | And they're saying, "Bone of bones, flesh of flesh.

01:22:36.000 | "You're a part of us, we're a part of you."

01:22:38.440 | They're swearing their allegiance to David.

01:22:41.860 | That's what they're doing.

01:22:44.800 | 2 Samuel 5, one.

01:22:46.440 | So what is Adam doing here before God

01:22:50.840 | and all the hosts of heaven?

01:22:52.440 | This is a vow of loyalty.

01:22:54.300 | It's a vow of companionship.

01:22:56.200 | He's swearing his allegiance to Eve,

01:22:59.520 | which is incredibly remarkable

01:23:01.200 | because Eve doesn't have any competition.

01:23:03.720 | There are no other women on the planet.

01:23:05.920 | And yet, he swears his allegiance,

01:23:09.880 | bone of bones, flesh of flesh.

01:23:11.840 | "She shall be called woman."

01:23:14.320 | And the root of the Hebrew word here

01:23:18.400 | is characteristic.

01:23:22.960 | He calls her because what's he been doing all day long?

01:23:25.200 | His first day on earth, he's been aiming animals, right?

01:23:28.560 | Whole first day on earth, that's all he's been doing,

01:23:30.080 | he's been naming.

01:23:30.920 | And usually, if he named an animal,

01:23:33.080 | the typical semantic way in which

01:23:34.960 | ancient Arab people would name things,

01:23:41.520 | they would name things based upon

01:23:43.200 | its most common characteristic.

01:23:44.880 | And that's, I think, exactly what Adam does here

01:23:49.520 | with the woman because the root of the idea

01:23:53.680 | of the old, very ancient, archaic meaning

01:23:57.560 | of the word woman means soft.

01:24:00.800 | Now, I don't know what he did,

01:24:03.320 | whether he went up to Eve and poked her

01:24:05.160 | and goes, "Whoa, soft."

01:24:09.520 | I don't know what happened there,

01:24:12.920 | but whatever he saw, it was soft.

01:24:17.240 | And so, he says, "Now, bone of bones, flesh of flesh,

01:24:22.840 | "she shall be called softy

01:24:25.080 | "because she was taken out of man."

01:24:27.160 | Wow.

01:24:28.920 | "For this reason, a man shall leave his father and mother,

01:24:31.800 | "be joined to his wife, and the two shall be one flesh."

01:24:36.320 | Which now brings us to the very covenantal bond of marriage.

01:24:39.760 | Later on in Proverbs 2:17, Malachi 2:14,

01:24:42.320 | it's called a barit or a covenant.

01:24:45.640 | To cut a covenant, when two people made an agreement,

01:24:49.460 | they would take an animal and slice it in two

01:24:51.080 | and walk between it, in essence saying,

01:24:52.840 | "If we were to ever break this agreement,

01:24:54.540 | "may God do unto us what has been done to this animal."

01:24:58.200 | That's what they would do to cut a covenant.

01:25:00.720 | So, marriage now becomes a covenant.

01:25:02.220 | Marriage was considered a sacred, unbreakable bond,

01:25:05.720 | a lasting lifetime commitment.

01:25:08.520 | That's what God intended it to be.

01:25:11.880 | And then, it constitutes, then, a leaving

01:25:20.360 | this marriage was considered the sacred, unbreakable bond,

01:25:25.360 | a lasting lifetime commitment.

01:25:27.300 | Then, it constitutes an essential unity,

01:25:30.200 | which involves leaving father and mother.

01:25:33.920 | There was no father and mother at this time,

01:25:36.400 | but God still lays it out, which tells me

01:25:40.600 | that from the very beginning,

01:25:41.680 | God designed the parent-child relationship to be temporary,

01:25:44.640 | and that the husband and wife relationship

01:25:48.920 | was to be permanent.

01:25:49.920 | Now, you know, that is incredibly significant,

01:25:54.620 | because in a lot of homes today that are Christian homes,

01:26:15.560 | you got Mary and Tom, they're married together,

01:26:20.560 | and this is their home.

01:26:25.240 | And I can remember, as a pastor several years ago,

01:26:29.920 | meeting with a group of pastors,

01:26:31.280 | and we recognized a phenomenon that was going on,

01:26:33.480 | and that is, after Mary and Tom had raised children,

01:26:36.400 | and 25 years into marriage, all of a sudden,

01:26:39.460 | to the shock of everybody in the church,

01:26:40.920 | they're announcing that they're getting a divorce.

01:26:42.620 | Why was this going on?

01:26:44.080 | And we were sitting as pastors,

01:26:45.480 | discussing this kind of thing,

01:26:47.320 | and it dawned on us at the time,

01:26:49.040 | in a lot of these homes where this was happening,

01:26:52.740 | had for years been homeschooling homes.

01:26:55.840 | Now, I'm not against homeschooling.

01:27:02.680 | We homeschooled our kids for several years,

01:27:04.520 | so don't get that idea.

01:27:05.720 | But there was a phenomenon we began to see,

01:27:09.320 | and that is, when little Mary,

01:27:14.240 | becomes the center of the home,

01:27:16.440 | and she's number one,

01:27:18.840 | and oftentimes, a homeschooling home,

01:27:22.980 | and it doesn't just have to be a homeschooling home.

01:27:24.600 | Give me other homes, too.

01:27:25.840 | Then, over the years, everything in that home

01:27:29.800 | revolves around the kids.

01:27:31.420 | Then, that's a child-centered home.

01:27:33.180 | And all of a sudden, Mary starts to grow up,

01:27:39.400 | and she no longer is a part of that home.

01:27:41.480 | She runs off to college,

01:27:42.800 | or she gets married, or something happens like that.

01:27:46.640 | Now, Mom and Dad, and once the kids are gone,

01:27:49.680 | look at each other and say, wow, we've done our job.

01:27:52.040 | We really don't have much of a relationship

01:27:54.000 | that's left because we've made

01:27:55.120 | little or no investment in it.

01:27:56.740 | Then, they get a divorce, and that home fractures.

01:28:00.860 | That's what happens to child-centered homes.

01:28:07.260 | God never intended that to be the case.

01:28:09.200 | Children were to be number two,

01:28:13.600 | and the husband and wife relationship

01:28:15.920 | was intended to be number one.

01:28:17.860 | Mary's relationship to Tom took first place.

01:28:23.920 | Tom's relationship to Mary took first place,

01:28:27.860 | and the kids, little Mary and little Tommy,

01:28:32.860 | were always to be number two.

01:28:38.560 | You're raising little Tommy and little Mary

01:28:41.600 | to leave the home, not stay in the home.

01:28:43.760 | From the very beginning.

01:28:47.860 | That's why God says, it is here,

01:28:53.760 | "For this reason, a man shall leave his father and mother,

01:28:59.700 | "and be joined," or united, "to his wife."

01:29:03.120 | Children are intended to be reared,

01:29:05.560 | to leave the home, not stay in the home.

01:29:08.280 | Cleave to one another, which means to weld together.

01:29:10.940 | In fact, the whole idea behind the Hebrew word here

01:29:14.200 | actually means to be glued together.

01:29:17.540 | I'm sure if they would've had this in the ancient times,

01:29:19.880 | they would've called it super-glued together.

01:29:22.720 | You ever get super-glue on your hands

01:29:25.360 | and try to tear it apart and take some of the skin with it?

01:29:27.680 | That's the way marriage should be.

01:29:29.800 | They should be super-glued together

01:29:32.080 | and become one flesh.

01:29:37.720 | That means they become one physically,

01:29:39.720 | but it goes beyond that.

01:29:41.200 | One in their parenting, one in their view of finances.

01:29:45.060 | They need to be super-glued together.

01:29:50.320 | Our first year of marriage, I realized that.

01:29:54.760 | One day I was shopping and I had $50 in my pocket.

01:29:59.820 | That was a lot of money back then.

01:30:02.000 | Let's see, that's over 32, 33 years ago now.

01:30:06.360 | So I had a lot of, I had a lot of money.

01:30:09.160 | It was 50 bucks, and I need a new coat,

01:30:11.360 | and I saw one that I really wanted for the winter,

01:30:14.240 | and it was on half-price sale, 50 bucks.

01:30:18.080 | And I bought it and took it home.

01:30:19.360 | I showed it to Janie, and she looked at it,

01:30:21.480 | and she says, "Wow, that's really nice, John.

01:30:23.760 | "Where'd you get the money for that?"

01:30:24.760 | I said, "Well, I had $50 in my pocket."

01:30:27.000 | When I was a single guy, I used to be able to go out

01:30:29.120 | and spend that $50, and then I'd just skip a few meals.

01:30:31.920 | All right?

01:30:34.760 | She had designs on that $50 in my pocket.

01:30:38.040 | You know, it wasn't really important stuff

01:30:39.600 | like paying the rent and buying groceries,

01:30:41.880 | and not really important stuff.

01:30:44.080 | When I was a single guy, I'd just make do.

01:30:49.840 | But now, even though I was married,

01:30:52.000 | I still fought as a single person.

01:30:54.360 | I viewed that money as mine, not ours.

01:31:00.020 | Becoming one means viewing things like that as ours.

01:31:05.020 | We are one.

01:31:07.800 | That's a radical change.

01:31:10.740 | That's not my money anymore.

01:31:13.020 | I don't have anything that's my money.

01:31:14.740 | It's our money.

01:31:15.580 | We have one income coming into our household,

01:31:19.020 | and we have to decide, which is a reflection of our unity,

01:31:22.580 | how we're gonna budget ourselves

01:31:24.420 | so that we can spend that one bit of money.

01:31:27.900 | And as we work that out in common agreement,

01:31:31.340 | that unifies our marriage together.

01:31:33.500 | So a budget, a financial budget,

01:31:35.300 | it's actually an expression of good marital unity.

01:31:39.660 | It's not a place where you have war.

01:31:42.300 | It's unity.

01:31:45.380 | It's a reflection of unity.

01:31:46.780 | The better you're able to work out that budget,

01:31:48.460 | the more unified you are.

01:31:49.800 | So you get the idea here

01:31:54.300 | that the husband-wife relationship

01:31:56.020 | God intended from the very beginning

01:31:57.780 | to be number one.

01:31:58.940 | The children are number two,

01:32:00.080 | and children are to be reared to leave that home.

01:32:02.780 | And then you begin to function as one flesh,

01:32:07.780 | as an entity being joined together.

01:32:14.380 | That's the reason why Reuben and I said what I did

01:32:17.540 | about answering your question.

01:32:22.940 | That chapter two defines what we still believe today

01:32:27.940 | about a real marital relationship.

01:32:31.580 | Cohabitating together is not what Genesis 1

01:32:34.420 | is talking about.

01:32:35.300 | Where there's a definite public declaration

01:32:41.460 | of loyalty and companionship together

01:32:44.420 | that is permanent, where you have left father and mother,

01:32:48.060 | and you're cleaving to one another

01:32:49.860 | defines the very essence of what marriage is.

01:32:53.080 | Yes, go ahead.

01:32:54.040 | - Now in Spain we have this situation

01:32:56.760 | where you don't have to get married.

01:32:59.640 | You can live together with your partner,

01:33:02.000 | but you sign sort of like a marital contract,

01:33:04.880 | which is that public manifestation.

01:33:07.040 | So you have all the rights as people of marriage

01:33:11.040 | that you are not.

01:33:12.600 | And whenever you feel like, oh, I need to break this up,

01:33:16.720 | you just go sign another paper,

01:33:18.600 | and you're free to go necessarily back.

01:33:21.320 | And that's coming to the church,

01:33:23.040 | and a lot of so-called Christians,

01:33:25.520 | they understand that as marriages.

01:33:27.680 | - Yeah, that's what we would call here

01:33:30.280 | in this culture being semi-married.

01:33:32.680 | In other words, you have a temporary arrangement,

01:33:35.860 | but you can back out of it any time, all right?

01:33:39.640 | You have all the technical rights of marriage

01:33:43.920 | from a legal standpoint, but you can back out of it,

01:33:48.080 | which is really no vow of loyalty at all.

01:33:51.560 | It's just a temporary arrangement.

01:33:53.760 | - How do you find that?

01:33:56.200 | Because in one sense, it is true

01:33:57.960 | that how we get married today,

01:34:00.360 | a great part of that is coming--

01:34:01.640 | - Yeah, how do you find that understanding?

01:34:04.520 | I think that you need to talk about marriage

01:34:07.280 | as being a permanent lifetime relationship,

01:34:10.760 | a sacred covenant.

01:34:12.500 | You need to stress the covenantal nature of marriage.

01:34:16.880 | And stress Adam's vow, bone of bones, flesh of flesh.

01:34:20.920 | He vows his loyalty to her.

01:34:24.180 | To get rid of her is to get rid of my left arm.

01:34:28.420 | Not gonna do that.

01:34:30.540 | Jim?

01:34:33.720 | - I was just gonna ask you about the words translated wife,

01:34:37.840 | at least in the New American Standard in verses 24 and 25.

01:34:41.720 | For this reason, the man shall leave his father and mother

01:34:44.960 | and be joined to his wife.

01:34:46.940 | Verse 25, the man and his wife will go naked.

01:34:50.200 | - Is that, I think it's Isha.

01:34:51.960 | Does anybody have a Hebrew here?

01:34:53.480 | - That's right, it's Isha.

01:34:54.320 | - Isha, it's Isha.

01:34:56.360 | They've, and it's legitimate to translate Isha as wife.

01:35:01.360 | That's legitimate to do, but it can also mean woman.

01:35:07.500 | All right, but they translate it

01:35:09.800 | because of the adjective his, okay?

01:35:15.160 | In front of it, his woman, which usually means wife.

01:35:18.960 | Okay, so to bring it into modern English,

01:35:23.640 | we would say his wife.

01:35:24.840 | (water splashing)

01:35:27.680 | (silence)

01:35:29.840 | [BLANK_AUDIO]

Lecture 11: Marriage and Family Counseling - Dr. John D. Street

Chapters